You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - full transcript


Ah, it is so nice
to finally have a day off.

It's Sunday. -Paul F.
Tompkins doesn't believe in Sundays.

Or doctors appointments
or bathroom breaks.

Well, since you have
all this free time,

- have you finally read my script?
- Oh!

Shoot! I'm sorry, Jimmy. I did.

And I... loved it.

You captured the book perfectly.
No notes.

No notes?

No... notes?

Thank you, Edgar.

Well, I shall just send it in
as is, then.

- Final draft, incoming.
- Say, Edgar?

Why, yes, Lindsay?
You know what I miss?

Handwritten letters? Landlines?
Light brown M&M's?

Sunday Funday. Remember that?

I sure do, Lindsay!

What... is this?

It looks like
a Sunday Funday list.

Nope, we're not doing
Sunday Funday.

We retired it, remember?

That's too bad, because it's...

Party Sunday Funday!


♪ Sunday Funday ♪

♪ Sunday Funday,
Sunday Funday... ♪

What do you think, Jim-skillet?

♪ Sun-day Fun-day ♪

♪ Better than a Monday ♪

♪ Can only do it one way ♪

♪ And that is the drunk way ♪

♪ Sunday Funday,
better than a Monday ♪

♪ Can only do it one way,
and that is the drunk way ♪

♪ Sunday Funday,
better than a Monday. ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

If I see one plastic
novelty penis,

I'm shoving you off the bus.

Don't worry, Gretch.
Only real ones.


- What the shit?
- Whoo! Hell yeah!

Party bus bachelor party
Sunday Funday!

- Whoo!
- Ooh!

So honored to be included,
you guys.

Gonna crush it.
You'll see... basically.

- Where are all my real friends?
- Which friends?

How am I supposed to get buck

with my future
ball-and-chain here?

- Yeah!
- Check out

all the amazing stuff
we have planned.

First, the oldest tiki bar
in the San Fernando Valley.

We'll then hop over
to crazy Topanga Canyon

where real-life hippies will
teach us to throw pottery.

Then, a coastal sundown drive
along the water.

It's gonna be hardcore.

More like hard-snore.

The only way to make this
impending disaster

remotely fun now is
to immediately get hammered

and enjoy what an utter failure
Edgar and Lindsay

- once again prove to be.
- Where the hell is all the booze?

I had the privilege
of crafting a special microbrew

to commemorate the event.

Introducing the Jimmy
and Gretchen... Strawberry...

Huh? Pale Ale!

What a laugh.

So jolly.

This is going to be fun,
trust us.

Paul aboard!

Hello, everybody. Hi.

As we get closer to Jimmy
and Gretchen's big day,

I just want to say how much
I look forward to being firmly

involved in their lives,
then even more than now.

I'm gonna be there
is all I'm saying.

And now a song to get
this party started!

Just wait.

Quickly, just right
after this, but quickly.

I just have a quick...

Hello, everyone! Hi!

I have a huge announcement.

- English.
- Is everyone looking at me?

- English.
- Shut up, back there! Okay.


I'm going to have another baby!

What? What?

Becca! Becca!

Becca! -Seriously?
Hey, nerd, it worked!

Oh, my. Huzzah! Huzzah!

- Shut up, jerk!
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Hell yeah! What a miracle.

- Little baby growing in there.
- Yeah.

Gosh, can you believe
it's not just come anymore?

Me? A papa.

What responsibility.

One more of these
ultra-low-ABV bad boys,

and I'm liable
to tell you a little secret.

- Uh, no.
- Are you sure? It's quite juicy.

Paul, I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.

That sounds like a challenge.

But you have to swear
not to tell anyone.

If you do, you'll owe me $1,000.

Okay, fine. Deal.

Just tell me so I can be out
of this horrible conversation.

I impregnated Becca.

Direct deposit method.

With my member.

- Well, that is a good secret.
- I told you.

Oh, bother. Oh.

Hi, everybody.
I have an announcement.

- What is it?
- And... sent.

I feel like we haven't given

enough attention
to how thrilling it is

- that Becca is pregnant again.
- No, no, no!

Jimmy, no!

But what is so extraordinary
about this event

is the method by which
it transpired.

You see, as it turns out,

Paul used nature's baster.

His willy! He used his willy!

Paul put his penis inside Becca
and moved it in and out.

Party officially set off.


This is the first I'm hearing
of this shocking news.

You guys are so lucky
you have us

to make your lame-o party


Okay, we're stopping at
the liquor store immediately.

Oh, I can actually have
more than one because

most women don't even know
they're pregnant at this point.

You've done a lot of shitty
things to me over the years...

Dropped me in the laundry chute,

made me sleep in the backyard
because I breathed too loud...

But sleeping with my husband
was the lowest,

and I'm including
that summer you told me

I had to drink your pee
or I wouldn't get boobs.

Lindsay, I swear to you

it was as passionless
as sex has ever been.

You should know.
You married him.

Oh, do I have a booger?

Let's make a promise
that we'll do this forever,

that this, our freest selves,
shall e'er rule

and that marriage
shall not change us in any way.

I don't know. In five years,
my freest self might be sober.

That's not funny.

Who knows
what our lives will be?

We can make
these big declarations,

but it doesn't mean anything.

Or worse,
we think it means something,

so we force ourselves
to be this,

even though
that's not who we are anymore.

- But I am who I am.
- I am, too. For now.

What was your favorite part?

- Of what?
- Of the script, man.

Come on. Was it
the Ramones concert intercut

with Neville Chamberlain
announcing conscription?

Or Kitty's seduction at
the hands of the church rector?

It was all really good, Jimmy.

Well, that was markedly
disappointing. For our next...

Well, well, well.

I thought you had jury duty.

Oh, um, the guy confessed.


Uh, Jimmy,
this is Paul F. Tompkins.

Hey, Jimmy.
Any friend of Edgar's.

So, what are you guys up to
on this glorious Sunday?

Howdy, everybody!
My name is Paul F. Tompkins,

and I will be your host
for this party.

I regret to inform you
the old plan died of being lame.


- Boo!
- New plan:

we're going to Las Vegas!

Hit it!


♪ Vegas ♪

♪ We're on our way
to Las Vegas ♪

♪ We're gonna go
where paying for sex ♪

♪ Is not a crime ♪

That's true.

♪ I said Vegas ♪

- ♪ We're gonna go where the... ♪
- Hi, buddy.

We have a question.
What were you doing

while another man
was having sex with your wife?


I think I was watching a movie.

Oh. What movie
were you watching?

Was it A Cuckwork Orange?

The Hunt for Red Cucktober?

Uncle Cuck? The Mighty Cucks?

- The Joy Cuck Club?
- Cuckleberry Finn?

The Marx Brothers in Cuck Soup?

Good Night and Good Cuck?

One Flew Over
the Cuck-oo's Nest?

- Mooncuck?
- Ha!

Sick burns. So comical.

Excuse me for a second.

I'm looking real bad
in this scenario, nerd.

I got to tell 'em
the full, triumphant story.

Vernon, you can't do that.

- Hmm.
- The Cuck-il Wears Prada.

What's it worth to you?

Are you on Venmo?


Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

You know what? No, listen!

You all should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Vernon is a strong, secure man
who should be celebrated

- for his open-mindedness.
- Aw, thanks, Bec.

Yeah. And actually, I think
the movie he was watching was

I Heart Cuckabees!

Didn't see that coming,
did you, cuck?


No, no, no, no, no, no!

- No, Vernon, no!
- I was there, too, you guys!

I was in the room
where it happened.

I was a part of it!

I came, too! So hard!

We all came at the same time.

It was super sexual.

I helped his dong back in
and then Bec blew harder

than she ever blew before.
We held hands after.

I tried to kill myself, and the
sex made me want to stay alive!

That's about it!
I yield my remaining time!

Sunday Funday!

Who here's from out of town?


Picked up a bus driver
and invite him

- into your marriage bed?
- Oh! -What?

No, no.

- Let me explain.
- I don't trust him, Jimmy.

He's got that same look
in his eyes he had that day

he made me eat
all that sour cream.

Oh, you're just mad that he's
making this party actually fun.

Now, shush. I want to see
who he's going to

take the piss out of next.

Oh, you two are getting married!

That's right!

Oh, so great.

Now, you know, things will
change after you get married.

That's right. About to gain
that marriage weight, sucka!

So have you two had
all the big discussions?

- We will.
- Oh.

Will is my handsy uncle.

Let's knock some of these out
right now.

If you have a boy,

- will he be circumcised?
- Yes.

- Everyone calls it a turtle.
- No, that's mutilation.

Will you raise your child
with religion?

- Absolutely not.
- Yes.

Wait, why is everything
about children?

Do you want children?

- Probably not.
- Absolutely.

- You're not religious.
- Yes, I am.

I don't talk about it because
you'll make me feel dumb.

Why would you say
that we want children?

- Because I want them.
- Well, I don't.

This feels bad.

Is it just me,
or does this feel really bad?

- You said you weren't sure.
- Well, I changed my mind.

And I might change it again.
Right now these are my beliefs.

But who knows how I'll feel
in a couple years?

Then they're not beliefs.
They're whims.

Ooh, that is not
going to land well.

He's right, we should make these
decisions before we get married.

What's even the point?

Any rethinking I might do
isn't called "growth"

but "weakness" because Jimmy's
so goddamn set in his ways.

Can't you fucking
adjust something

for me for once in your life?

I have changed for you.

Guys, quick,
name some of the things

I've adjusted for Gretchen.

- Um...
- Uh...

Ha! See?

- You can't name one thing...
- I sucked a dick for you!

I'm sorry, I don't think
I heard that right.

Gretchen told me
to suck a dick, so I did.

I sucked one.

I want a guy
to suck a dick for me.

It all makes sense now,
because of how infrequently

he wanted to make love.

Was I at least
on the short list?

I always thought
I'd be dope at that

on account of how good
I am at Popsicles.

Why are we stopping?


As far as I can hypothesize,
I have an optic yeast infection.

Happens to the best
home brewers.

Move. I'll drive.

We've also run out of fuel.


- I don't have any service.
- What?!

Me neither.

This was your plan
all along, wasn't it?

To trap us out here
in the desert.

I'm simply trying to have fun

with this couple
who, by the way, clearly

- shouldn't be getting married.
- Hey!

Don't make fun of my friends.

Some group of friends, Edgar.

The dick-hungry come lover
whose script you clearly hated.


I'm sorry, Jimmy, I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

And the sad girl
he barely even knows

who tricked him
into sucking a dick.

Then there's this
alcoholic Gorgon

who boned her sister's ex.

I had her permission.

- You did not!
- Do me! Do me!

Then there's
her Howdy Doody husband

who's too lame to even
waste a good insult on.

All right, that's it.

Get off of this bus!

Oh, let me think about it.
Um, no.

- Get out! Get out!
- Watch yourself, Edgar.

I can make it so you never work
in this town again.

I don't care. You can be
as hard on me as you want,

but don't mess with my friends.

What are you gonna do
about it, loser?

I said...

get out!

Is he okay?

Is he okay?!

I don't know; I'm having
a hard time remembering

what I'm supposed to do.

R-I-C-E. What's the "I"?

- Where the hell are we?
- I may have taken

a wrong turn when the yeast
started to activate.

Why did you have to push him?!

This is so bad.

You guys don't know him
like I do.

He is going to ruin my life.

What are you doing?

He's a hostile combatant!

Oh, stop it.

You're acting as irrationally
as you did

when you decided my screenplay
needed work.

Edgar's right;
we can't trust this guy.

He called me an alcoholic.

What's happening?

Who's fallen?

See? I told you.



Guys? What's happening?

Do not listen to him.


You got to help me.
My back really hurts.

Why did you push me
down the stairs?

Why are you all
standing over me?

What are you gonna do to me?

I'm sorry if I've been
hard on you at work,

- but don't do this.
- Why do you have this?!

I-I was uncomfortable
working with you.

I mean, you're a disgruntled
employee with PTSD.

- He has a point!
- And then you pushed me down the stairs.

And then I woke up,
and you're all standing over me

in the middle of the desert!


What are we gonna do?

I'll take care of him.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Oh, my God! What's happening?!

Someone tell me
what's happening!

I'm so cold.

Why can't I stand up?

What did you do?! He's a doctor!

He said he was gonna
take care of me!

I-I thought he was
coming over to kill me!

I told you he was a psychopath!

Oh, God, and now he's dead.

Just like all of you
are about to be dead.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing.

Just, um, spitballing here,
but, uh,

I think maybe now
I have to kill all of you.

- You...
- I'm not joking, fuck-face.

This is actually my dream.

You drew first blood.

The security camera on this bus

will show you pushing me
down the stairs.

But out here, no camera.

Oh, yes, from here on out,
it's all self-defense.

Oh, no.


You're first, Edgar.

No. No!

He's okay, right?


You're okay. Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

Breathe. Just breathe.

I am. I'm calm.

We-we just killed someone!


We have to leave.
Um... Mexico.

We have to go to Mexico.

You'd do that?

As long as we're together.

You guys!

I can't. I can't.

- Calm down.
- I can't!

Gretchen, you have to
hold this for me.


- What the...?
- Surprise!

What is happening?
I don't understand.

Which part?
The part where Lindsay and I

orchestrated the best

bachelor/bachelorette party

I, uh... yes. I'm speechless.

- Bravo, everyone.
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Oh.

Jimmy, is this real life?

(S) So, pretty good, huh?

You let us murder someone.

How did you...?

Well, we knew
you'd demand real booze

- if we had Paul make home brew.
- What?

But I brewed the ale
in good faith,

independent of the scheming.

It led us to where Paul F.
Tompkins would be waiting.

And you, sir...

I knew eight years
of stage combat would pay off.

Plus, I make my own squibs.

- Oh.
- So, you and Edgar aren't...

Working together anymore? No.

So, with this, you are free.

And you promise not to go
to DB Industries' HR department

with any more allegations
of alleged abuse.

Got to say,

that disgusting threesome runner
you guys made up?

I almost broke, like,
five times.


We are not leaving you behind.

- Calm the fuck down.
- Okay.


I thought you hated change.

I suppose there might
be some circumstances in life

that do change things,
like murder.

Or kids.


Or murder.

Congrats on knocking up
my big sister, you stud.

I heartily apologize.

It's okay.

Sister fucker.

Ew, you made my sister come.


No, don't make me laugh.

Tears will feed the yeast.

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ You're feeling lonely ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ You're feeling blue ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ You feel downhearted ♪

♪ That will prove your love ♪

♪ To me is true ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ You're thinking 'bout me ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ I'm thinking 'bout you. ♪


- Hard-core?
- Ugh.


- One plot hole.
- Hmm?

How did you know we'd shoot him?

Ah, we didn't know for sure,
but you did.

You killed him to save me.

Ultimate bad boy move, huh?


Wait, where'd you get the gun?

Oh, your dad bought it
when he came to visit, remember?

You've had a gun in your room
since then?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow. I've called you

some truly awful things
this past year.

You could've just ended it all.

- Well, yeah, I mean...
- The constant nay-saying,

the endless cooking
and cleaning,

the irrational subservience.

With a simple twitch
of your finger,

the misery could have
ceased forever.

And still, you chose
not to kill yourself.

Bravo, Edgar.

Hey, I'm sorry about the script,
Jimmy, but you can't turn it in.

I suspected it wasn't very good.

Will you help me fix it?


I'll call the studio,
say you're consulting.

- Cowriting.
- Fine.

Just promise you'll never
lie to me again.

I promise.

Gretchen's been stealing meds
from my medicine cabinet,

- a ton of them, for weeks now.
- So what? She loves pills.

No. This is the serious stuff.

And I don't think
it's for fun this time.

♪ We talked
till late that night ♪

♪ I walked her home ♪

♪ Debating gun rights ♪

♪ We put our differences aside ♪

♪ Under the parking lights ♪

♪ Two years soon passed ♪

♪ She sent a picture
from Spain ♪

♪ On a stone street,
a seedling ♪

♪ Was growing in a storm drain ♪

♪ Familiar plight... ♪

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