You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Genetically Inferior Beta Males - full transcript

(clock ticking)

So, Gretchen,

there's a topic
we haven't broached yet.

How you seem to only own
one pair of jeans?

You've been so focused
on Jimmy's dad.

Has that stirred up any feelings
about your father?

Nope!

What about your mom?

I've noticed some tension
around the subject.

Tension?

My mom's a baller-ass boss.
End of story.

(gasps)
Did you see Wheel last night?

Someone almost hit
the million-dollar wedge.

I remember when they
brought that out in '08,

I was like,
"What? That is nuts."

So, would you say she's
controlling, manipulative?

If I biffed a tennis match,

she would take away
my sheets and pillows.

But that is what made me strong.

My friends had chill parents
who didn't push them,

and now they're all
unmotivated babies.

Maybe if they had a mom
like mine,

they wouldn't be the pieces
of shit that they are currently.

You know what?

I'm gonna fix those shitty
babies, just like my mom would.

I would actually advise you
not interfere

with your friends' lives,

Too late. Doing it.

Of course you are.

(sniffs) Okay, Gretchen.

(clears throat)
This is obviously not working.

The defensiveness,
the mid-session naps,

the things you're writing
on the bathroom stalls,

the name-calling...

Oh, see, that one's on you.

You let a dog on the bed once...

No one is forcing you
to be here.

Are you firing me?

You don't fire me. I fire you.

Okay.

(scoffs softly) Wait.

Uh, let's compromise. Uh...

if I fix my friends and prove
that I'm right about my mom,

do you promise not to fire me?

I'm not firing you.

That is not a compromise.

And I don't agree to any of it.

Great. Deal.

Seriously,

jeans are, like,
20 bucks at H&M.

Get on it.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway.

(video game sound effects)

(elephant trumpets)

What are you doing?

Zoo Entrepreneur?
What the hell is this?

It's a highly invigorating game

in which one builds
a virtual zoo.

Mine's called "Jimmy's
Spectacular Zoo of Wonder"

"and Animal Friends.

Plus Cinnabons,
Parenthesis No Edgars Allowed."

And you're
a professional writer.

Gretchen, feeding the giraffe
and washing the rhinoceri

exercises everything
that a writer needs

for a productive day:

Problem solving, imagination,
word having.

What's your giraffe's name?

Necky.

Jimmy, you have a deadline!
You need to be writing!

Gretchen, it's all writing!

No, it's not.

Playing, literally,
the world's most boring game

is not writing. (Gasps)

You know what's writing? (Gasps)

Writing!

Sorry, bor... boring?

Why, just yesterday
a seven-year-old

fell into the koala enclosure.

He was not injured.

But he sure was
severely nuzzled.

Gretchen, what are you... No!

No, plug the router back in!

My zoo is cloud-based.

You show me some progress
on your book,

and maybe you'll get this back.

Uh, my female elephant
has severe ADHD.

If I don't provide her
with constant stimuli,

she'll suck all the hair
off her tail.

What's your elephant's name?

Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.

Trunky.

(sighs)

(moaning) Oh, yes.

Oh, that's so good.

Do it.

PAUL: Ooh, would you
look at that?

A new poké place just
opened up on Barrington.

Actor Peter Gallagher

has shaved $100,000
off the listing for his home,

which features mature
fruit trees.

Imagine that.

(panting, moaning) Oh.

The bulky item drop-off event
is next weekend.

We could dispose of
the broken wine fridge.

Pull my hair.

What?

Another iOS update?

These things are quite
the nuisance, but...

Choke me.
Necessary for stability.

Almost there.
Oh, my God, Lindsay.

Did you know that every time
you evacuate your bowels,

you lose one-third...
Almost there!

Of the bacteria...
I'm almost there!

In your body.

Goddamn it!

Isn't that amazing? (Chuckles)

Oh. Huh.

KILLIAN: "Simon startled,
pulsing with desire",

"for he had dreamed
of Kitty again.

"He wondered if at that moment,

she was dreaming of him,
moist and..."

This is the worst day for me
to be absent from the zoo.

I didn't order extra pellets
for the petting zoo.

There's no way that those goats

don't develop a taste
for human fingers.

Can't do this today.

You promised your agent two more
chapters by the end of the week.

Well, we all make promises
we can't keep, Killian.

(door opens) Like you, with your
Presidential Fitness Challenge.

(door closes)

Uh, are you okay?

Ever since my dad's roast,
I've felt odd.

Just aimless,
but suddenly awakened.

Like I'm accessing
areas of my brain

that have been shut off
for years.

I feel like Bradley Cooper,
you know, in that movie, uh...

Aloha... Limitless.

What is that body of water
down there?

Is it some sort of public wash
for the destitute?

Have you seriously never been
to the reservoir?

There's a park, a running trail,

a rec center.

Well, that settles that.

To the...

reservoir I shall go.

I'd go with you,

but I'm actually working on
a new Dr. Weed video.

(door closes)
Did I ever tell you

about my character, Dr. Weed?

He's this doctor
who loves weed, but...

Mister?

Do you have any extra foods?

Oh.

Lindsay, you're a mess, right?

Boy howdy.

So, what is going on
in your life

that I can berate you
into fixing my way?

Hmm. Let's see.

Well, I was having sex
with this hunk

named Raul,
and I was about to splooge,

but then Paul kept talking
and it went back inside.

(chuckles) I still can't
believe you're cucking Paul.

I'm what now? Cuckolding.

It's a subgenre of femdom.

Well, whatever it is,
Paul's ruining it.

I just want to be normal
and cheat on my husband

without feeling guilty about it.

And here you are
sulking about it like a loser.

You know what winners do?

They take what they want,
no matter what.

So what are you gonna do
about it?

I'm gonna...

tell Paul to go away the next
time I want to pork a rando?

And don't you come back
without results, young lady,

or else no Must See TV for you!

Why are you being so bossy?

Not bossy, Lindsay.

Maternal.

(gasps)

♪ I want to drive

♪ Elsewhere in the place

♪ In the dead of night

♪ I want to see what makes

♪ I want to see

♪ Rusty cities (barking)

♪ Watch them fall

♪ I want to see it all

♪ I want to know

♪ That there ain't no cure...

You retrieved the projectile.

But why?

♪ I know I know ♪

♪ There's something missing

♪ I know I know ♪

♪ There's something missing

♪ I know I know ♪

♪ It's all right.

(howling)

(howling)

Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?

(East L.A. accent)
Okay. Our first letter

comes from Randall in Lubbock.

(Southern accent) "Dear Dr. Weed...
(door closes)"

"every soap I use in the shower

dries my skin out."

(East L.A. accent) Randall,
this is a very common problem.

My diagnosis is:
Twice a day, I want you...

to smoke more weed...!

What's going on here?

(normal voice) Uh, cut.

Uh, just answering

viewer mail.

I-I write the questions myself.

So what's the goal with this?

Oh, nothing.
It's just something dumb

I put on the Internet
for my vet friends.

So you're wasting
your most valuable resource...

My talent?
Your time, for no reason.

Edgar, this has potential.

Really? Thanks.

Because, you know, I thought...
But just because you got

your period at 11
does not make you a woman.

Look, if you're gonna do
these videos,

you got to do them all the way.

(stammers)

Okay.

First, we're gonna
blast the video sites

and anything veteran related.
Mm-hmm.

I'll sneak it to some contacts.

Hey!

You have a comment
from a journalist.

"I'm producing a new piece on
how marijuana can help veterans,

and I'd love to interview you."

So have you reached out to him?

Nah. I don't really want
that much attention.

What's wrong?

Are you mad at me?

Sometimes I think I care
more about this than you do.

No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.

I was just nervous.
I'll e-mail the guy.

Hey, hey.

Is that the shirt
you're wearing?

Hmm.

(kids chattering playfully)

(men chattering,
basketball bouncing)

MAN: Oh, yeah.

Shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it.

Go in, go in, go in, go in!

Yeah! JIMMY: Yay!

Let's go. Let's run next.

You want in?

Well, I am trying
new things today.

I am in.

Whose, uh... whose squad
shall I be on?

The other one.

Screen, screen, screen.

♪

Hey, hey, hey! You, you, you!

♪

Watch screen, screen! Yeah!

Shoot it!

Yes!

I win! I win.

(panting)

What an invigorating hand sport.

How often do you, uh,
you fellows play?

(Jimmy screams)

Ow, my ankle!

W-We forfeit!

My-my team forfeits!

(groaning)

Nice and clean.

(shudders)

So clean.

(clears throat)

Hey.

Bear, can we talk?

Of course.

I love you so much.

And I want to keep
being honest with you.

Oh, God. I just noticed how hard

it's been for you
when Raul is around.

So, for your sake, I'll spend
time with him, or whoever,

somewhere else,
so you won't have to watch.

For you.

You can't have relations with
other men when I'm not there.

That's adultery.

Well, you're clearly not
enjoying cucking.

Which is what we're doing.

And it's ruining it for me.

I am doing the hard work
to be a better partner

and tell you what I need.

And if you can't handle it...

I just don't know, Paul.

I just don't know.

So...

this cucking is something
many women fantasize about?

All of them. They all do.

(sighs)

Boy. Now I'm embarrassed
by my prudishness.

Well, if this is an established,

rudimentary fetish,
then I suppose

I am up for the challenge.

I'm going to research
this fantasy of yours.

You'll see.

I'll be the best cuck ever.

For our family.

Family.

(groans)
Are you sure it's not broken?

It's just a sprain.
So what happened?

(sighs) I was hooping "b-ball"

with some diverse
local athletes.

Sick.

I am so stoked
you called me for this.

Well, don't have
insurance, so...

Anyway, thanks.

Uh-uh. We made a deal.

I'm not doing your podcast.
You promised!

I don't care. I'm not...

Although, before yesterday,
I thought I hated dogs,

sports, hipster picnics and
unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.

Do you know what? I will do it.

Hell yeah! This is gonna be
the best episode

since Adam Pally did
that extended bit

where he pretended he was pissed

and didn't know why
he was doing my show.

You're slouching.

Okay, almost ready.

Okay. Good.

Edgar, tell the nice man
what we talked about.

(whispers)
What's the blue screen for?

Edgar. You can ask him.

What's the blue screen for?

Oh, uh, we have a
really cool digital set

that we composite
in, like Tosh.0.

And this card?

White balance.

(whispers) White balance.

Just bring it up a
little bit. Good.

Okay.

So, can you introduce yourself?

Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.

6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

And what's your experience
with the V.A. been like?

The V.A. is a great institution,

but they're underfunded
and understaffed.

People are literally dying

because they can't get
the health care they need.

And how long have you been

treating your PTSD
with marijuana?

Oh, um, th...

that wasn't...

that's not really...

I'm just not comfortable being

so open about
my self-medicating.

Plus, this is all
a lot fancier than I expected.

They got a blue screen
like Tosh.0.

Honey... you're doing great.

Now, if you don't
get back out there,

we are not stopping for
milkshakes on the way home.

(exhales)

I have tried
a bunch of treatments,

but nothing has fixed my PTSD.

Lately though, I found that s...

smoking pot has been
really effective.

I even kind of feel like
a real person again.

I don't know if marijuana
works for everyone,

but it seems to be
working for me.

(TV playing quietly)

Is it bedtime?

It's still day.

Bedtime's for night.

As promised, wife,
I've been researching

this cuckolding fetish
we now have.

Oh?

Certain men intuit

that they are genetically
inferior beta males.

So they get aroused by watching
their partners copulate

with someone of superior DNA,
e.g. Raul.

Furthermore, I have a special
present for you, my hot wife.

(giggles) Where's my present?

Right here.

The cage symbolizes the cuck's
sexual inferiority

and genital unworthiness.

By associating
sexual arousal with...

(strained) Extreme pain,

my body will slowly learn
that I do not deserve

erotic satisfaction.
(cage locks)

Oh, God.

Okay, Paul... (knock on door)

Part deux of my surprise.
(chuckles)

Raul.

Raul's friend.

Good day.

You may take what you want.

♪

Oh, boy.

This is humiliating.

Your genetic superiority
is extremely emasculating.

Oh, boy, that's my wife.

I'm a worm.

I'm a worm.

That's my wife!

I'm a worm! Oh, oh.

The cage!

Oh, the cage.

I was not expecting this.

Dude, I have, like,
20,000 subscribers.

Vernon, the guest shower is

completely clogged
by your curly hair.

I swear to God, if you're not
taking your Propecia...

Hi, Jimmy.
Let's test your levels, huh?

You're on the podcast?

Don't sound so shocked.

I interned for Frosty,
Heidi and Frank.

(harmonica plays) ANNOUNCER:
This is Balloon Knot Media.

(fart sound)

Welcome to Vernon Down the House
on Balloon Knot Media.

I am Dr. Vernon Barbara,
joined, as always,

by my lovely wife
and sidekick...

Uh, cohost.

Hey, Bec.
Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?

Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you did,
you stinker. (Chuckles)

VERNON: Visiting the
man cave this week

is a very special guest;
He's a best-selling author,

and one of my all-time
best buds,

Jimmy Shive-Overly.
(canned applause)

Welcome, Jimmy.

Uh, thank you.

So great.
So, Jimmy, where you from?

Savannah, Georgia.

(both laugh loudly)

That's great.

Uh, I'm actually from a
small town outside Manchester.

England.

Oh, Jimmy,
you are just too much.

Ah, that is great stuff.

So, Jimmy, are you in
a good place right now?

Yes.

Even with the recent death
of your father?

BECCA: Oh, yeah.

It gets real in the man cave.

He made Adam Pally cry.

That guy's got some stuff.

(brief dramatic music)
WOMAN (echoes) Dra-ma!

Um... well, we had a
memorial service the other day.

That helped me get some closure.

And why was closure important?

(ticking clock sound)

(ticking stops) Well,
I guess my role in the family

was basically to
annoy him, so...

So you could get the attention
you wouldn't otherwise get.

Is that why you moved to L.A.,

became a writer?
BECCA: Had your nipple pierced

for two weeks, or fostered
that boa constrictor?

Aw, Squeezy.

Sounds like quite the weight
has been lifted off you, then.

Yeah.

Guess it sort of has.

So, what's next for Jimmy?

I've been working
on my new book.

Although, to be honest,

I haven't been getting
much writing done lately.

But I thought you only became
a writer to piss off your dad.

Yes, I did become a
writer to make him angry.

So, if he's gone, why are you
still living your life

in reaction to him?

So, if I'm not writing,

because I have no one to
write against anymore...

who am I?

That's what I'm saying.
That's what he's saying.

(harp plays a scale)
VOICES: Insight.

I can start over now.

Not in reaction to anyone,

but in accordance
to my authentic self,

whomever I was meant to be!

(chuckles) Oh, my God!

What if what I was actually
meant to do is...

I'm gonna stop you right there.
Got to pay some bills. Bec?

(guitar music plays) This
week's Vernon Down the House

is exclusively sponsored
by Red Napkin.

Guys, I love Red Napkin,
for so many reasons.

(fading) You know how sometimes
you want a za'atar-spiced

fennel stromboli, but you don't
want to leave the house?

Hey, hon, you hungry?

Don't "hon" me!

Look at what you did.

Those numbers don't lie!

You know what else doesn't lie?

War heroes!

My name is Edgar Quintero,
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

Smoking pot fixed my PTSD.

The V.A... expects all of us...
to shut the hell up.

Marijuana works for everyone.

People are literally dying

because they can't
get marijuana.

People literally... dying.

They're... dying.
People... are dying.

(militaristic rock music plays)

(TV turns off)

You got me in with
the pot people.

They're the worst people.

Worse than people who study
abroad or atheists or...

Ooh, what about children
of celebrities who pretend

that it didn't help
their careers.

These pot activists leech off of
people with legitimate problems

in order to further
their agenda,

which is just getting high!

Why did you make me do this?!

I was looking out
for your best interests.

Yeah, well,
I'm done with Dr. Weed.

Hey! If I quit every time

my mother pushed me
to do something hard,

I wouldn't have... I-I...

Okay, well, I guess
I did quit eventually

to start doing drugs
and having unprotected sex

with college boys.

But the point...

No! No more advice!

I hate you.

(gasps) I was trying
to help you fill your...

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

Look what I made!
I went to Kinko's.

Talked to some undergrads
making a 'zine.

It's a lovely place.
Anyway, turns out

I've been living my entire life
in opposition to my father.

And now that he's dead,
I have no idea who I really am.

Am I even a writer? Who knows?

Maybe I'm meant to be
a master carpenter,

slash tree house architect,
slash singer-songwriter.

(chuckles)

Anyways, although my zoo
animals are likely dead

or escaped, I'd like to
thank you for taking that router

and forcing me
to explore the world.

Okay.

I'm gonna go into the backyard
and test some branches

for load-bearing capacity.

(door opens, closes)

(phone chimes)

Hey.

Oh, sorry.

Look... Jesus Christ.

Ugh, what is that?! What...

Order mozzarella sticks
like a person. (Gags)

Anyway, I-I don't want you
to cream your jeans or anything

'cause I know
they're your only pair,

but maybe my mom
wasn't so great.

Seriously?
What, did you hack my e-mail?

I mean, the pressure
made me rad,

but have you ever slept
with no sheets?

So scratchy.

Five out of ten. Would bang.

Yup, that's her.
GRETCHEN: Actually,

that was the first time
I fell into a depression.

♪ It was after a tennis
match and I had won,

but not by enough,
'cause it was never enough.

And my mom was doing this...
this food withholding thing.

I think she saw something
about it on a TV show

as a way to control
your dog or something.

♪ Black lights on all night

♪ The day couldn't see

♪ Two mirrors were talking

♪ Just not listening

♪ Angel with fire

♪ Making a scene

♪ Well, what were you thinking
you'd shake out of me? ♪

♪ Is it all in my head?

♪ Am I wrong?

♪ Oh, you're killing me,
killing me ♪

♪ Chasing my tail...

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH