You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Episode #5.10 - full transcript

You look nice.

Thanks. You, too.

You got it right.

For once.

I resent that.

I love weddings.

("Hey My Man" by Babes playing)

♪ Fill the drain ♪

♪ Turn on the shower ♪

♪ Wash your face ♪

♪ Till you're clean
as a flower ♪

♪ Are you all alone? ♪

♪ And you wanna cry ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ Every day's a new chance... ♪

Damn it. My game is on there.

♪ Ooh ♪


♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna
leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway. ♪


29 days.

Can you believe it?

Until our wedding.

Right, that. Crazy.


Do we have any travel mugs?

Got to get over to the event
space, like, yesterday.

- Got you something.
- Fuck yeah. Gimme.


Dope shoes.

Yeah. Not just any dope shoes.

Dope wedding shoes.

- I got some as well.
- Gretchen confused.

I've been reading up
on some common wedding mistakes,

and it turns out most people
forget to break in their shoes.

So you want me
to wear these today?

The one day my job requires me
to walk around a bunch?

Have you been there
the whole time?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

I've gotten really good
at tuning you out.

Why do you have to walk around
a bunch today?

Oh, well, thank you
for asking, Edgar!

It's only the biggest event
of my career.

Sam and the boys
are dropping a new joint,

so I organized
this phat listening party

as their big comeback. Plus,

I convinced them to throw
Nock Nock a verse.

Double plus, I billed him
as this big mystery guest

to get all the hip-hop writers
thirsty A.F. to attend.

Genius, huh?

Look at us.

Just a couple of hotties,
ready to get married,

from the ankles down.

XL is coming?



How stupid are you?

Who are you talking to?

Gretchen has a very important
event tonight,

and you don't even react,
let alone volunteer to go.

Why are you talking to me
like this? What's happening?

I don't know.

Best I can figure,
now that we're cowriters,

I'm spontaneously reevaluating
our relationship

and realizing... nah.

- "Nah"?
- Anyway,

you and Gretchen,
I have thoughts.

You can be unsupportive to her
now, but that will not fly

- once you're married.
- I am incredibly supportive.

You guys are supposed to be
creating a life together.

The only way that works
is if you take active interest

in the parts
of each other's lives

that don't directly affect you.

Why would I do that?

Because otherwise, you'll never
really be a couple.

You'll just be two people.

Let's get to work on the script.


Mike, don't forget
to not let me forget

to text Sway in the Morning
in the morning.

I mean, tomorrow morning.

Figure it out! Bye.

Ooh, what are you doing?

Boss shit. Walk with me.

Can you believe this place?

It's an old asbestos factory.

I found it advertised
on Craigslist

as a hipster wedding venue.

Cool, huh?

Yep. Real dope.

If tonight doesn't
go flawlessly,

Yvette is gonna have
my ovaries on a platter.

That woman plays like
she's warm and caring,

but that ho once fired a dude
for getting ball cancer.

Sure, but shouldn't you be
doing wedding shit?

- It's 29 days away.
- Why does everyone know that?

Remember when you made us all
download that wedding app

'cause it came with a coupon
for Souplantation?

Oh, right... what the fuck?
I never got my soup.

Look, if I can do this, I can
easily pull off getting married.

What those words mean?

This job is not something I ever
wanted, but now that I have it,

I realize how important
it is to me.

So I'm gonna really try
for once,

really knock it out of the park.


Jimmy is my job
in this metaphor.

Oh! That's really smart.

Why are you dressed like that?

My smart girl clothes?

Well, I have a date tonight,

and the guy's profile says
he reads books, so...

you're not doing that thing

where you try on a new identity
for a man again, are you?

What? I don't do that.

You spent last week
at Burning Man

with that dude you met off Raya.

Don't bring Burner culture
into this.

Bitch, you are jumpy as hell.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Walk with me.

Oh, a walk and talk? Hell yeah.

You heard the track yet?

Ugh, no. Crap.
I've been so busy.

For once, I believe you.

Yeah, it's like an actual
competent person planned this.

Geez, maybe you'll even be able
to handle being married.

That's what I said.

This is your room.
I will check in later.

- I-I'm Honey Nutz.
- She knows.

This RSVP list is so long,

somebody's gonna call
the fire marshal.

I can't wait for the recap.

Y-You're not staying?

Forcing my staff to go
on a team-building retreat

just so I can have
the office to myself

is my form of getting drunk
at a listening party.

Don't ever become a boss,
Gretchen. It sucks.

What it do? What it d...?

Oh, no.
Where do all those doors go?

Your green room is over there.
I'll check in soon.

I hope you understand
the magnitude of this event.

It's not just your ass
on the line.

I really want you to rise
to the occasion, Gretchen.

I'll try. Got to fix that light!

Hey! You have a face I've seen.

Can I get a ride back
to the office?

Um, sure.

As long as you keep that shit
off my leather seats.

Oh, no. Don't worry.
This is all going in my mouth.


done with the adult
breastfeeding scene.

Plus, I made a list
of some great pub names.

Ready? The Erstwhile Butler.

First of all, I don't have the
mental bandwidth to stay attuned

to Gretchen's
every little mood shift.

Fine. Hogwash and Smeagan.
That might be my favorite...

Secondly, it is precisely
because Gretchen and I

lead separate lives that we're
such a successful couple.

The Blunt Governess.

The Exchequer's Folly.

If we were to share every iota
of our lives with each other,

there would be nothing
to talk about.

The Fox and Ferret.
The Bullfrog's Ale-Wife.

Counter-instinctually, it is
separation that draws us closer.


And that keen understanding
of the human psyche

is exactly why I am the one
making mid-to-high six figures

for a screenplay
while you're here

stuck pitching me pub names.


Where do you think you're going?

To go for a walk
and find somewhere quiet

to write the V-Day scene.

- Maybe the park.
- But I was talking to you.

And I didn't like the way
you were talking to me,

so I am calmly removing myself
from the situation.


We'll go write in the park.

It'll give me a chance
to break in my shoes.

Edgar, I said fine.

Wait for me.

Which is why I'm
wearing my smart girl outfit,

even though my friend said
it was a bad idea.

But what does she know? She
and Jimmy are exactly the same.

Most people have
to change a little

to make sure someone likes them.

And anyway, who knows?
I could read books.

Whoa! No one's here!

Which means
the bosses aren't here.

Well, I'm here,
and I need to get to work.

Let's do something fun
like rolly chair races!


Oh! Or leave fake love notes
in people's offices.

Really fuck some people up.

Lindsay, you're very amusing,

but I truly need to get to work.

I know! Let's raid the fridge
for leftovers.

Who brings the best stuff?

- Well, always go Colin first.
- Yeah.

Then Rebecca, Torshiro,

that weird guy from Accounting
with the thing on his neck.

Ooh, yeah. Gross.

♪ Don't be jealous ♪

♪ Don't be jealous,
don't be jealous ♪

♪ One, two, Nock Nock's
coming for you ♪

♪ Three, four,
Nock Nock's at your door ♪

♪ Five, six,
now you got syphilis ♪

♪ Seven, eight, bitch,
it's way too late! ♪

♪ This is mayhem ♪

♪ Nock Nock coming straight
from your a.m., I'm the illest ♪

♪ I got illness,
I'm the trillest ♪

♪ I write thrillers... ♪

Did your boy bring it or what?

You absolutely brought it.

I can't believe
you were that good.

Me neither.

I guess working with my idols
made me step up.

Usually it's just me
in the shower

and Charles on the toilet
running the beat.

Oh, dang, I forgot
to remind the sitter

to crush up Charles' medication
in his Tuna Helper.

I'll let you get to that.

Hey, Gretchen.

Thanks for believing in me.

Let me explain something to you.

To primitive people,
the unknown, like,

"Will the sun come up tomorrow?"

and "Why did a woolly mammoth
just crush my Uncle Thag?"

was so unfathomably terrifying

that they would make up myths
to give a false order

to what seemed like
a capricious, entropic world.

And this same type
of magical thinking

is why certain couples do
everything together.

Tammy and Bernard both go
to his dermatologist appointment

because they think the combined
force of their love and devotion

will keep it
from being melanoma,

but it won't.

Do you know what will
keep it from being,

metaphorically speaking,

Being fucking interesting.

Remaining interesting
as individuals

will stave off the malignancy
that is romantic complacency,

not thirstily doing
everything together,

like Charles and Camilla

or the Property Brothers.

You can admit you're scared
to get married.

- What? I'm not scared.
- It's okay, Jimmy.

I no longer look up to you,
so you have no height

from which to fall.

Ah, I understand
what's happening.

You're pushing me away
before I get married

and you're left out in the cold.

I didn't ask for this to happen;
it just did.

Like when Neo saw the Matrix,
I now see you as my equal.

Well, stop it.

See? This illustrates
my point perfectly.

This is something that Gretchen

would absolutely
lose her shit over.

But if she were here,
experiencing what I experience,

what would there be to say?

"Ooh, that was cool." "I agree."

"Should we just give up
and die now?"


- That was cool.
- Yeah, it really was.

And if you were together, you
could've both experienced it.

It would become part of the
fabric of your relationship

as opposed to something
that just happened to you.

Let's keep walking.
I need to break in my shoes.

Bitch, you making me dizzy!
Just go ahead and tell us

what you fucked up!

I was trying to think
of a profesh way to say this,

but, uh... Ooh, you guys
suck ass on the track.

No, that is unfair.

You guys are very okay on it,

but Nock Nock's verse
is so good,

he makes you guys
sound like you suck ass.

- Don't even start.
- I didn't say anything.

What's going on?

I told him Nock Nock
murdered us.

We got to find something else
to play tonight.

We playing that damn track.

Do you really want to risk
getting embarrassed?

I am an established artist
with a worldwide fan base.

- Mm.
- Our okayest shit is worth more

than that yellow-toothed
redneck's entire life!

Come on, now!

Would you rather buy
an amateur's best still life

or a napkin scribble-scrabble
by Picasso?

Would you rather eat
your Aunt Diane's

beef bourguignon

or a plate of scrambled eggs

by Ludo Lefebvre?

I got a version of the song
without Nock Nock.

Great. We'll go with that.

I mean, that's probably the
safer option, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So I did a good job
and I'm being punished for it?

I wouldn't say punished...
More like they want to nullify

the existence of your verse
forever in a constructive way.

You're playing
that track tonight.

But I just told you I can't.

Nah, you told me your dinosaur
clients are sad I murdered them.

Wow, I thought Sam and the boys
were your heroes.

Sure, but everybody's heroes
got to fall off at some point.

I'm the future of hip-hop,
whether they like it or not.

Play my shit, Gretchen.

That's why I'm here.

If you don't, I won't be here,

or anywhere.

I mean, I'll always be somewhere

'cause matter can't ever
truly disappear.

But I won't be with you.
Feel me?

So, after disc golf
on the playa,

while I was being treated by
the medic for the scorpion bite,

I had this feeling
of... acceptance.

I fucking hated every minute
being in the desert

with a bunch of dirty assholes,

I could learn to love it
for the right person.

You can't force love.

But I want it now!
I want someone to love me.

I'm ready.

I'll do whatever it takes,

even if I have
to change my name,

my hair, the date
on my birth certificate.

I'll leave out
all the bad details of me,

like that time I got an STD

from that tall season four
American Idol loser.

- Sanjaya?
- No, chlamydia.

What? I don't have it anymore.

Stop looking for who to be.

Because guess what.

You already are her.

I'm who?

♪ Take that lock and key ♪

♪ Lock them dreams up for me ♪

♪ Take that heart and soul ♪

♪ And never let it go,
never let it go... ♪

You good with this?

Oh, hell yeah!

♪ And make sure
you're on your way ♪

♪ Be what you want to be,
want to be ♪

♪ And I'm not worried
about yesterday ♪

♪ And I'm not worried
about what tomorrow brings ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

Hi! Oh, no.

You're doing your intense
meth lady smoking thing.

Is everything all right?

- Where are you?
- Shit.

No, it's not okay.

I'm hiding in this
weird lifty thingy,

because it turns out that Nock
Nock is a really good rapper

and he made the boys look bad,
so now they're demanding

that I play the version
without him.

But Nock Nock knows
that he murdered them,

so he's demanding
that I play his version.

And our marriage depends on me
being able to work this out.

- Huh?
- It's a metaphor, Jimmy.

No matter what I do here,
I piss someone off.

Did you just say Nock Nock's
a really good rapper?

This is a serious crisis.
What should I do?

Oh, okay. Well, l-let's think.

Perhaps there's someone nearby
whose entire vocation

revolves around
handling crises. Huh?

Oh, look there's one.


Damn it.

Thanks for answering.
I just needed to vent.

Any time.

You should be with her.
She's gonna do something dumb.

Edgar, she told me her problem,
I listened and solved it.

We had our separate experiences,

then came together in the end,
just like I said.

We don't need to be together
to be together.

Then why did you lead us here?

Look, when we came across
that zoo opera,

all I wanted was
to see Gretchen smile,

but when I turned around,
all I saw was your dumb face.

Sorry. I suppose
you don't want me saying

those kind of things
to you anymore.

Nah, it's okay. It's kind of
a dumb face sometimes.

Anyways, now that we're here,

it'd be silly
not to go in, right?

I think it would mean
a lot to her. Yes.

♪ Like a preacher,
lay my hands on it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't want
it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

- ♪ Goddamn ♪
- ♪ Throw my cash on it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

What version am I playing?

♪ I don't want it if it
ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't
want it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it... ♪

Play that one.

♪ I don't, I ♪

♪ Like a preacher,
lay my hands on it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't
want it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

- ♪ Goddamn ♪
- ♪ Throw my cash on it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ Baby, grab on it ♪

♪ I don't want it
if it ain't no... on it... ♪

Gretchen! Gretchen!

This is the first time
I've seen her walk with purpose.

It's quite sexy.

I'm glad we came.

Me, too. Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay, everybody!

We appreciate y'all coming out
to hear our new shit!

- Reboot!
- I'm Honey Nutz.

But first let me introduce
to you the mystery artist

y'all been waiting on.

Give it up for my dude
Nock Nock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be
hearing his shit very soon.

Very soon. Like right now!

Actually, less soon than that.

Hey, so what'd she say when you
confronted her about the pills?

- Nothing. I didn't ask her.
- Why not?

Because we don't do that.

Jimmy, she's taking
more and more,

and some
of the really weird stuff.

She's fine.

This isn't old depressed

She's up and about. She cares
about her job for once.

She's fine.

Check out our new joint,

featuring a beat
by DJ Squirt Squirt.

"Don't Be Jealous"!

"Don't Be Jealous."

Yo, hit it, DJ.
Drop that track.

Which version
do you think he's playing?

Yo, let's hear that shit.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah...

Where'd she go?

It's time to turn up,

it's time to get...

Stop. Stop.

It was fun hanging out
in the boss's office.

- Huh?
- That was really nice.

I know this is
kind of fast, but...

would you want
to get together sometime

to maybe eat each other's
pussies again?

No one's ever put it
quite that way, but...

yeah, I think I do.


- Huh?
- You have some lipstick.

Are those mine?

Keep 'em.

Yes, this is...

What? Well,
is there a fire or not?

What's wrong?

Sorry, I need to handle this.

Good night, Miss Thompson.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Miss Thompson?

All right,
I'll be there in a minute.

Yvette Thomp...

♪ When I saw you there
in the moonlight ♪

♪ I started to cry ♪

♪ For you were there
with another girl... ♪


♪ And you were my guy ♪

♪ And then I knew
that my plans ♪

♪ And my dreams
now were all in vain ♪

♪ And the tears came tumbling ♪

- ♪ Whoa, tumbling ♪
- ♪ Tears came tumbling ♪

♪ Down like rain ♪

♪ I watched you
holding her hand ♪

♪ And you whisked her
so tenderly ♪

♪ And I thought of the time
when I'd once loved you ♪

♪ Here was me... ♪

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