You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Finish Your Milk - full transcript

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>> GRETCHEN: Yes, Rodney, I know

the agreement is for two years.

The truth is, I'm on dialysis.

It's acute renal failure caused

by sweat poisoning.

Strenuous exercise could

literally kill me.

I'm with my doctor right now.

Let me put him on.

>> JIMMY: Oh, come on.

(sighs)

(Indian accent): This is

Dr. Patel.

Look, between you and me, she's

on her deathbed.

I told her to cancel her gym

membership just to give her a

purpose in her final hours.

What a tragedy to die so young

having not accomplished anything

in life.

>> GRETCHEN: Oh, that guy.

What a pessimist.

I'm gonna fight this thing!

Thanks, Rodney.

You've been a delight.

>> JIMMY: Why don't you just

say, "I don't want to go to your

dumb gym anymore?"

>> GRETCHEN: Because I don't

want Rodney out there judging me

when I don't show up for 10:00

a.m. Pilates class.

>> JIMMY: You've never been to a

10:00 a.m. anything.

>> GRETCHEN: My flight's soon.

Can we continue this when I come

back from parental purgatory?

>> JIMMY: Are your folks really

that awful?

>> GRETCHEN: Just uptight and

lame.

They act like I don't have my

shit together.

>> JIMMY: Those clothes aren't

even fully dry.

>> GRETCHEN: I'm gonna go borrow

your toothbrush.

(Edgar sighs)

>> JIMMY: Uh, the trash goes

from inside to outside, not the

other way around.

>> EDGAR: Oh, I've been trying

this recycling thing.

If I save up enough money, I can

buy Ambien from this Web site.

>> JIMMY: Isn't the V.A.

supposed to give you drugs for

your... for your war brain

stuff?

>> EDGAR: I don't want to use up

resources when there are vets

out there with real problems.

>> JIMMY: You're trading soda

cans for black market

pharmaceuticals.

That is a problem.

>> EDGAR: Fine.

I'll go talk to them.

>> GRETCHEN: And I'm out.

>> JIMMY: All right, just let me

wash this mask off, and then we

can go.

>> GRETCHEN: Oh, no, no, no.

I'll just take an Uber.

>> JIMMY: I'm headed that

>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy, you're not

driving me to the airport.

That's ridiculous.

>> JIMMY: Look, I promise there

will be no mushy, curbside

stuff, okay?

I won't even come to a complete
stop.

You can just tuck and roll, all

right?

Give me a couple of minutes.

>> ¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway

I'm gonna leave you anyway

Gonna leave you anyway. ¶

>> BECCA: You cheated on Paul?!

>> LINDSAY: Shh.

Don't whisper-yell at me!

>> BECCA: How can you even live

with yourself?

>> LINDSAY: I can't!

I feel so bad, I can't eat or

watch any shows with adultery.

That's all my shows.

I'm getting nosebleeds from the

guilt.

>> BECCA: Nosebleeds?

>> LINDSAY: Also, I lied.

I can totally eat.

>> WOMAN: Ladies, please keep it

down.

>> LINDSAY: It's not fair.

You don't know what it's like

to yearn for the touch of

another.

>> BECCA: Jimmy tried to kiss

me.

>> LINDSAY (loudly): What?!

>> BECCA: But I...

Oh, I said no... because I love

my husband.

>> LINDSAY: Did you want to?

>> BECCA: I took a vow.

Marriage means being in it 24/7

from the moment when you wake up

in the morning, and you see that

red, curly happy trail, to at

night when he rolls off of you

and asks if you've had your
"gazz" yet.

>> LINDSAY: He asks you after he

rolls off you?

>> BECCA: The point is, I

restrain myself because I am not
an animal.

After this class, you are gonna

come clean with Paul.

>> LINDSAY: I can't tell him.

>> BECCA: Lindsay, you're not

gonna tell him?

>> LINDSAY: Ow! Ow! Bec, stop!

>> BECCA: You need me to make
you tell him?

>> BECCA: You gonna tell him,

Lindsay? You gonna tell him?
>> LINDSAY: Ow!

>> BECCA: You know I can make

you tell him, can make you!

>> LINDSAY: No. Fine!

(whispers): Fine.

Fine, I'll tell him.

(gasps)

>> BECCA: You can continue the

yoga now.

¶ ¶

>> ¶ I got three, four gallons

of Hennessy

I got all my dawgs

at the V.I.P... ¶

>> JIMMY: Cheers.

Fellows! How is it?

Yeah.

Are you here to see a black

movie, as well?

>> HONEY NUTZ: We just call it

a movie.

>> JIMMY: Where's Sam?

>> SHITSTAIN: Had a meeting.

He's on the board of the

Angelino Heights Restoration

Committee.

>> HONEY NUTZ: What are you

doing here?

>> JIMMY: I like to yell out

character inconsistencies,

structural flaws, and keep a

general humorous running
commentary.

This is the only place I can do

that.

>> SHITSTAIN: To be fair, we do

like to go to Beverly Hills to

see a Wes Anderson movie, so...

>> HONEY NUTZ: I like it when

they clap for Bill Murray.

>> SHITSTAIN: Yeah, he's funny.

>> HONEY NUTZ: Yeah, yeah.

>> SHITSTAIN: Okay, he's funny.

>> JIMMY: I've just dropped

Gretchen off at the airport, as

well, so I was in the hood

anyway.

>> HONEY NUTZ: Where does that

bitch think she flying?

We supposed to meet her ass
tomorrow morning.

>> JIMMY: Oh, that's impossible.

She's gone home for, like, a

week.

>> SHITSTAIN: Hey, it's

Shitstain.

Where are you?

Oh, oh, she's here.

Yeah, she's headed to the

museum with her parents.

Yeah, yeah, Sam tried to drag us

to that.

Heard the Rauschenberg pretty

tight.

Okay, word.

>> HONEY NUTZ: Mm. Okay, so she

told you she was flying out of

town?

>> JIMMY: Yeah.

>> HONEY NUTZ: And now she at a
museum?

>> SHITSTAIN: Why would she lie

to you about seeing her folks?

Have you met them?

>> JIMMY: No.

>> HONEY NUTZ: Oh, shit.

(laughs)

>> SHITSTAIN: Yo.

>> HONEY NUTZ: She trying to

hide you!

>> SHITSTAIN: It's just like

Richie and Margot in The Royal

Tenenbaums.

>> HONEY NUTZ: Right. Shit.

Look, I wouldn't want to tell my

mom I'm dating Draco Malfoy,

either.

>> SHITSTAIN: Draco.

>> BOTH: Draco!

>> SHITSTAIN: That's...

(Honey Nutz laughs)

Draco!

It's butter in that?

>> HONEY NUTZ: Oh, yeah, there's

butter in there. Right.

>> SHITSTAIN: Oh, we good, we

good.

>> EDGAR: So, for a while, I

started drinking generic vodka

till I passed out, but then I'd

still have the same nightmares,

only in the dream, I'd be drunk

and way less coordinated.

>> CASEWORKER: I am so sorry,

brother.

>> EDGAR: Yeah, now I'm scared

to go to sleep because I wake up

super angry.

>> CASEWORKER: Sleep to rage.

It's the worst.

I used to tell my wife to

duct-tape pillows to my hands in

case I woke up swinging.

(chuckles)

>> EDGAR: So, my roommate says

that I have a serious problem,

and that you guys should cover

all my meds.

>> CASEWORKER: Usually, I have

to turn down a lot of folks, but

you seem like a perfect

candidate for help.

Real quick, who is this

roommate?

>> EDGAR: Oh, Jimmy.

He's a novelist from Britain.

He lets me live with him in

exchange for cooking and

housework.

>> CASEWORKER: You have a job?

Tight.

It can be so tough for vets to

>> EDGAR: Oh, no, he doesn't pay

me.

>> CASEWORKER: Cool.

So he thinks the U.S. government

should cover your expenses...

>> CASEWORKER: ...while you work

for free?

>> EDGAR: Oh, no.

He's my best friend.

>> CASEWORKER: Cool.

Okay, very cool.

Soldier, have you ever heard of

Domestic Civilian Transference

Syndrome By Proxy?

>> EDGAR: Mm-mm.

>> CASEWORKER: It's my only

copy, but trust me, it's highly

true.

You need to nip this in the bud.

Tonight, you sit this so-called

roommate down and you say, "Hey,

man, I was in the shit while you

were at home watching telly.

If my nightmares are too scary

for you, maybe you need to pay

for my meds!"

>> EDGAR: Damn straight.

>> CASEWORKER: Yeah, you tell

him that.

>> EDGAR: I will tell him that.

I will!

Thank you.

>> CASEWORKER: You're welcome,

soldier.

>> EDGAR (mutters): Watching

telly...

(muttering continues)

>> CASEWORKER: Number 97.

>> PAUL: You're home.

>> LINDSAY: We need to talk

about something.

This has been eating away at me,

but the fact is...

...I realized I don't really

know what you do all day.

(chuckles)

Tell me about this...

weird thing.

>> PAUL: The recumbent?

>> LINDSAY: Yeah.

How does it work?

>> PAUL: Well, if you really

want the total experience, I can

always pull out the tandem.

>> LINDSAY: The what now?

>> PAUL: A semi-reclined

position provides broader

distribution of body weight, and

allows some better blood flow to

the anus and testicles.

Aw, heck yeah!

Here's the gang!

Mimi, Connor, this is my wife

Lindsay.

(chuckles)

Last one to Starbucks is an

uprighter!

(groans loudly)

We should let them win.

Connor's life-coaching business

just went under, and Mimi has

impetigo.

All right, here I come, Mimi.

Look out.

(bicycle bell dings)

(chuckles)

>> JIMMY: Nice use of negative

space.

>> GRETCHEN: What are you doing

here?!

>> JIMMY: What are you doing

here?

I just dropped you at the

airport!

>> GRETCHEN: What?

No, you didn't.

>> JIMMY: Yes, I did.

>> GRETCHEN: What?! What are you

talking about?

No, that was a dream you had.

All right, fine.

This is so dumb.

So, I am waiting at the gate as

they deplane the flight before

mine, and all of a sudden, guess

who gets off?

My friggin' parents!

And I'm like, "What?!

I thought you guys wanted me to

come visit."

So dumb.

Gretchen, you nerd.

>> JIMMY: Stop.

>> GRETCHEN: All right, I lied.

But Vanessa and Fred are such a

bummer!

I didn't want to subject you to

their passive-aggressive shit.

>> JIMMY: Right, so you packed

and had me drop you off at the

airport?

>> GRETCHEN: Did I really pack?

I just put some damp laundry and

toilet paper into a suitcase.

Open your eyes, Jimmy.

>> JIMMY: Right, well, I have to

meet the people that created

this nightmare of a person.

>> GRETCHEN: Oh, I would, but we

have to leave.

I'm taking them to the airport.

>> JIMMY: I thought you just

picked them up.

>> GRETCHEN: It turns out they

can't stay.

Dad is having emergency back

surgery tomorrow at Johns

Hopkins.

He is having his L7 fused, and

they just had a cancellation.

The procedure's experimental,

but Dr. Pablo's the best, and a

slot just opened up.

I am serious.

>> JIMMY: Mm. Well, I'm not

leaving until you produce these

monsters.

>> GRETCHEN: All right.

You asked for it.

>> JIMMY: You're not art.

>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy?

Vanessa and Fred.

>> MOM: Jimmy, hi.

>> JIMMY: Hi.

>> MOM: Nice to meet you.

So sorry we have to run.

>> DAD: I'm having a surgery,

Jimmy.

>> JIMMY: Yes. Yes, Gretchen

said.

Okay, good luck with that.

So glad I got to meet you.

So I'll see you later?

>> GRETCHEN: Uh, nah, I have a

work thing.

Call you tomorrow?

>> JIMMY: Okay.

>> GRETCHEN (echoing): My dad's

having back surgery...

at Johns Hopkins.

He's having his L7 fused.

Dr. Pablo's the best.

Back surgery...

Johns Hopkins...

Back surgery...

Johns Hopkins...

Back surgery...

John Hopkins...

Dr. Pablo...

Procedure's experimental...

experimental... experimental.

>> DAD: Well, they said that

it's, like, all tropical plants

they've got.

>> MOM: Oh, okay.

>> JIMMY: Who are you?

Where's Gretchen?

>> MOM: Oh, look, hon.

It's the guy with the accent.

>> DAD: That lady said we were

on a hidden camera show.

What channel will this be on?

>> MOM: Oh, I bet it's nine.

>> DAD: Four? No, four, right?

>> MOM: No. No, I bet you a week

of dishes it's channel nine.

>> DAD: Nine?!

>> MOM: Nine. Nine. Nine.

>> DAD: Four. Four. Four.

>> PAUL: And as I like to say,

once you pedal on your back,

you never go back.

To pedaling normally.

(chuckles)

(Lindsay laughs weakly)

>> LINDSAY: This is really nice.

>> PAUL: Well, there's more

where that came from.

Were you serious about seeing

what I do for fun?

>> LINDSAY: Yes.

>> PAUL (laughs): Well, hold

on to your hat.

(Lindsay groans)

(engine sputtering)

Ladies and gentlemen, we've

reached an altitude of 75 feet.

If you look out the right side

of the plane, you can see the

San Gabriels.

Those on the left can catch a

glimpse of my beautiful wife

Lindsay. (chuckles)

>> DARREN (over radio): Paul,

you know that sub-hundred

elevation is for westbound

traffic only.

>> PAUL: Roger that.

Sorry, Darren.

Climbing.

Did you know that four American

presidents were home-brewers?

Can you guess?

George Washington, Thomas

Jefferson, James Madison,

and...?

The answer is Barack Obama!

Uh...

Lindsay?

>> LINDSAY: Huh?

Oh.

I'm fine.

Keep talking beer.

(Paul sighs)

>> EDGAR: Jimmy, we need to

talk.

>> JIMMY: Gretchen was so scared

of me meeting her parents that

she hired fake parents.

Am I really Draco Malfoy?

>> EDGAR: I just talked to the

V.A., and...

Am I just some unpaid servant

who lives here for free?

>> JIMMY: That's a concise way

of putting it.

>> EDGAR: My caseworker says

maybe you should be paying for

my meds.

>> JIMMY: Right. Listen to me,

my friend.

You bought into a long con.

Society screwed you over, and we

owe you for that.

I, personally, do not owe you,

but a sort of collective "we"

does.

And you need your meds so you

can shake off some of the damage

done by Cheney's fictional

yellowcake uranium.

So, you turn around, you go back

to the V.A., and you demand your

due!

(Gretchen sighs)

>> FRED: 15, love.

Let's go, sweetie.

>> VANESSA: Gretchen, your

backhand has completely

disintegrated.

>> GRETCHEN: Sorry, Mommy.

>> VANESSA: Seven years of

training with Andrés for

nothing. (scoffs)

Ready?

>> FRED: You can do it, sweetie.

>> GRETCHEN: Sorry, Mommy.

(Jimmy mouthing)

>> JIMMY: Hello, darling.

Sorry I'm late.

Mwah. Hello.

I'm Jimmy Shive-Overly.

Gretchen's boyfriend.

>> FRED: Oh, well, hello.

I'm Fred.

>> VANESSA: Vanessa.

Please join us.

In her typical way, Gretchen has

told us nothing about you.

>> JIMMY: Ugh!

(chuckles)

Milk.

Gretchen-- always ordering milk.

Sometimes double milks.

I actually sometimes wonder if

maybe she drinks too much milk.

(Jimmy laughs)

>> VANESSA: So, Jimmy, where are

you from?

>> GRETCHEN: London.

The fancy part.

>> FRED: And what do you do?

>> GRETCHEN: He's a novelist.

Published, very well-regarded.

Jimmy...

>> VANESSA: And, Gretchen,

you're still doing that music

thing?

>> FRED: Who's that skinny boy

you represent?

>> JIMMY: Shitstain?

>> GRETCHEN: No!

Josh Groban is who he meant.

>> VANESSA: How did you two

meet?

>> GRETCHEN: At a fund-raiser.

It was...

animal-related.

>> FRED: Ah, Gretchen does so

much charity work.

>> JIMMY: Oh, she does love

animals.

Tell your mom how you got your

cat.

>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy, it was so

nice of you to stop by, but I

know you have that meeting.

I'll walk you out.

>> VANESSA: What meeting?

>> GRETCHEN: Movie producers.

From Hollywood.

They are turning his book into a

movie starring Zach Braff and

that woman from the show you

like.

>> VANESSA: Scandal?

>> GRETCHEN: Yes, Scandal.

Jimmy, I bet that driver has

been waiting outside for a while

now.

You should go.

>> JIMMY: Okay.

Nice to meet you both.

Okay, none of this is true.

I'm not from the fancy part of

London, I'm from the bad part

of Manchester.

>> GRETCHEN: Stop.

>> JIMMY: I am an author.

Talented but wildly

underappreciated.

I had to follow Gretchen here

today, only to witness her

mother bullying her during a

tennis match.

You're right about her

backhand, by the way-- it's

appalling.

>> VANESSA: You're telling me

how to speak to Gretchen?

>> JIMMY: You've never spoken to

the real Gretchen.

The real Gretchen runs publicity

for some of the biggest rap acts

in town.

The real Gretchen doesn't drink

milk or take ballet classes.

In fact, she just cancelled her

gym membership so she'd have

money for cigarettes.

>> FRED: You smoke?

>> JIMMY: Sure, she hasn't been

to the dentist in years and

lives off 7-Eleven hot dogs, but

she is brave and spontaneous.

And that Gretchen is so

paralyzed with the fear of

disappointing you that you don't

actually know her at all.

I feel sorry for you two.

You will never know the

brilliant, beautiful mess that

is your daughter.

(Gretchen chuckles nervously)

>> GRETCHEN: Daddy, I...

>> FRED: (sighs) Just take us

back to our hotel.

And...

finish your milk.

>> CASEWORKER: I really wish I

could help, but funds are tight.

Congress wants to pay for the

war, not the casualties.

>> EDGAR: I'm not asking for a

medal or a parade, just a good

night's sleep.

(caseworker sighs)

>> CASEWORKER: Uncle! I give in.

(chuckles) I will fill out your

paperwork and find the money for

your meds.

>> EDGAR: Thank you.

>> CASEWORKER: Where is it that

you're living?

>> EDGAR: Uh, Silver Lake.

>> CASEWORKER: Silver Lake.

Ooh-la-la.

Hey, Jerry, bad news, you're

gonna have to turn in your hook.

>> JERRY: But-but I use it to

pick things up.

>> CASEWORKER: No, man.

Stuff's gonna stay on the

ground.

This hipster's having bad

"dweams."

>> EDGAR: I didn't...

(gunfire over TV)

(knocking)

>> GRETCHEN: Why would you do

that?!

My dad didn't say another word

to me in the car, and now

they're changing their flight so

they leave tomorrow!

What is wrong with you?!

>> JIMMY: Sorry, wouldn't you

rather have a fractured,

combative relationship with your

parents that's based on truth

than this pleasant artificial

relationship based on lies?

>> GRETCHEN: No.

>> JIMMY: Well, then you

should've been more explicit

about that.

>> GRETCHEN: They're my family!

I get to lie to them till I'm

old and they're dead, and you

don't get a vote!

I would never tell your dad to

read your book.

>> JIMMY: Yeah, because he

wouldn't let you through the

door 'cause you're a redhead and

he's hated the Irish ever since

the IRA blew up his favorite

chip shop.

Look, I'm sorry.

Forgive me for valuing honesty.

>> GRETCHEN: This is about you

controlling and bullying

everybody to behave the way you

think they should.

I knew you were insensitive and

manipulative, but you're mean,

Jimmy.

You're a mean person.

>> JIMMY: Well, at least I am a

person!

(sniffles)

¶ ¶

>> JIMMY: Hey, um...

>> GRETCHEN: I'm done.

I'm tagging out.

>> JIMMY: What?

Of-of this argument?

>> GRETCHEN: No, Jimmy.

Of this.

I told you I don't do

relationships, and yet here we

are in one.

I feel... I feel like this train

is speeding up, and this may be

my last chance to hop off before

any serious injury.

>> JIMMY: Speak English.

>> GRETCHEN: Good-bye, Jimmy.

Sorry!

You're right, I'm not a person.

(door slams)

>> PAUL: Those three stars are

Orion's Belt.

See how he looks like a man with

a club?

(Australian accent): G'day,

Linds.

I'm Orion, the mighty hunter.

(both laugh)

Hmm. What was that for?

>> LINDSAY: Nothing.

Just... you.

You weirdo.

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Gretchen needs me.

Thanks for the day.

Have fun with your stars.

>> PAUL: They're everyone's

stars.

(door opens, closes)

>> EDGAR: Where's Gretchen?

And why are you cooking?

>> JIMMY: It's over.

Lasted longer than anyone

would've guessed, huh?

>> EDGAR: No.

What happened?

>> JIMMY: Uh, can we not talk

about it?

I-I need to just...

just not.

(sighs)

You hungry?

>> EDGAR: Yeah, I-I could eat.

>> JIMMY: No go on the pills,

huh?

>> EDGAR: (scoffs) Nope.

>> JIMMY: We'll go down there

tomorrow and sort it out.

>> EDGAR: R-Really?

Thanks.

>> JIMMY: I have no idea how to

cook.

>> EDGAR: What have you been

doing all this time?

>> JIMMY: Just, uh, stirring

ketchup in a pan.

>> EDGAR: Okay. Okay. Um...

that's a good base.

>> JIMMY: Yeah?

>> EDGAR: Yeah.

Uh, pinch of salt, throw it in

there.

>> JIMMY: Pinch-pinch of salt.

>> EDGAR: And then add a little

bit of, uh, olive oil, two,

three counts worth.

Now stir it in.

Stir it in nice and gently.

And, uh, keep stirring, keep

stirring.

¶ And may

I call you baby?

For the rest

¶ Of my days?

¶ And do

You think I'm crazy... ¶

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH