You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Finish Your Milk - full transcript

Jimmy meets Gretchen's parents.

>> GRETCHEN: Yes, Rodney, I know
the agreement is for two years.
The truth is, I'm on dialysis.
It's acute renal failure caused
by sweat poisoning.
Strenuous exercise could
literally kill me.
I'm with my doctor right now.
Let me put him on.
>> JIMMY: Oh, come on.
(Indian accent): This is
Dr. Patel.
Look, between you and me, she's
on her deathbed.
I told her to cancel her gym
membership just to give her a
purpose in her final hours.
What a tragedy to die so young
having not accomplished anything
in life.
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, that guy.
What a pessimist.
I'm gonna fight this thing!
Thanks, Rodney.
You've been a delight.
>> JIMMY: Why don't you just
say, "I don't want to go to your
dumb gym anymore?"
>> GRETCHEN: Because I don't
want Rodney out there judging me
when I don't show up for 10:00
a.m. Pilates class.
>> JIMMY: You've never been to a
10:00 a.m. anything.
>> GRETCHEN: My flight's soon.
Can we continue this when I come
back from parental purgatory?
>> JIMMY: Are your folks really
that awful?
>> GRETCHEN: Just uptight and
They act like I don't have my
shit together.
>> JIMMY: Those clothes aren't
even fully dry.
>> GRETCHEN: I'm gonna go borrow
your toothbrush.
(Edgar sighs)
>> JIMMY: Uh, the trash goes
from inside to outside, not the
other way around.
>> EDGAR: Oh, I've been trying
this recycling thing.
If I save up enough money, I can
buy Ambien from this Web site.
>> JIMMY: Isn't the V.A.
supposed to give you drugs for
your... for your war brain
>> EDGAR: I don't want to use up
resources when there are vets
out there with real problems.
>> JIMMY: You're trading soda
cans for black market
That is a problem.
>> EDGAR: Fine.
I'll go talk to them.
>> GRETCHEN: And I'm out.
>> JIMMY: All right, just let me
wash this mask off, and then we
can go.
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, no, no, no.
I'll just take an Uber.
>> JIMMY: I'm headed that
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy, you're not
driving me to the airport.
That's ridiculous.
>> JIMMY: Look, I promise there
will be no mushy, curbside
stuff, okay?
I won't even come to a complete stop.
You can just tuck and roll, all
Give me a couple of minutes.
>> ¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
Gonna leave you anyway. ¶
>> BECCA: You cheated on Paul?!
>> LINDSAY: Shh.
Don't whisper-yell at me!
>> BECCA: How can you even live
with yourself?
>> LINDSAY: I can't!
I feel so bad, I can't eat or
watch any shows with adultery.
That's all my shows.
I'm getting nosebleeds from the
>> BECCA: Nosebleeds?
>> LINDSAY: Also, I lied.
I can totally eat.
>> WOMAN: Ladies, please keep it
>> LINDSAY: It's not fair.
You don't know what it's like
to yearn for the touch of
>> BECCA: Jimmy tried to kiss
>> LINDSAY (loudly): What?!
>> BECCA: But I...
Oh, I said no... because I love
my husband.
>> LINDSAY: Did you want to?
>> BECCA: I took a vow.
Marriage means being in it 24/7
from the moment when you wake up
in the morning, and you see that
red, curly happy trail, to at
night when he rolls off of you
and asks if you've had your "gazz" yet.
>> LINDSAY: He asks you after he
rolls off you?
>> BECCA: The point is, I
restrain myself because I am not an animal.
After this class, you are gonna
come clean with Paul.
>> LINDSAY: I can't tell him.
>> BECCA: Lindsay, you're not
gonna tell him?
>> LINDSAY: Ow! Ow! Bec, stop!
>> BECCA: You need me to make you tell him?
>> BECCA: You gonna tell him,
Lindsay? You gonna tell him? >> LINDSAY: Ow!
>> BECCA: You know I can make
you tell him, can make you!
>> LINDSAY: No. Fine!
(whispers): Fine.
Fine, I'll tell him.
>> BECCA: You can continue the
yoga now.
¶ ¶
>> ¶ I got three, four gallons
of Hennessy
I got all my dawgs
at the V.I.P... ¶
>> JIMMY: Cheers.
Fellows! How is it?
Are you here to see a black
movie, as well?
>> HONEY NUTZ: We just call it
a movie.
>> JIMMY: Where's Sam?
>> SHITSTAIN: Had a meeting.
He's on the board of the
Angelino Heights Restoration
>> HONEY NUTZ: What are you
doing here?
>> JIMMY: I like to yell out
character inconsistencies,
structural flaws, and keep a
general humorous running commentary.
This is the only place I can do
>> SHITSTAIN: To be fair, we do
like to go to Beverly Hills to
see a Wes Anderson movie, so...
>> HONEY NUTZ: I like it when
they clap for Bill Murray.
>> SHITSTAIN: Yeah, he's funny.
>> HONEY NUTZ: Yeah, yeah.
>> SHITSTAIN: Okay, he's funny.
>> JIMMY: I've just dropped
Gretchen off at the airport, as
well, so I was in the hood
>> HONEY NUTZ: Where does that
bitch think she flying?
We supposed to meet her ass tomorrow morning.
>> JIMMY: Oh, that's impossible.
She's gone home for, like, a
>> SHITSTAIN: Hey, it's
Where are you?
Oh, oh, she's here.
Yeah, she's headed to the
museum with her parents.
Yeah, yeah, Sam tried to drag us
to that.
Heard the Rauschenberg pretty
Okay, word.
>> HONEY NUTZ: Mm. Okay, so she
told you she was flying out of
>> JIMMY: Yeah.
>> HONEY NUTZ: And now she at a museum?
>> SHITSTAIN: Why would she lie
to you about seeing her folks?
Have you met them?
>> JIMMY: No.
>> HONEY NUTZ: Oh, shit.
>> HONEY NUTZ: She trying to
hide you!
>> SHITSTAIN: It's just like
Richie and Margot in The Royal
>> HONEY NUTZ: Right. Shit.
Look, I wouldn't want to tell my
mom I'm dating Draco Malfoy,
>> SHITSTAIN: Draco.
>> BOTH: Draco!
>> SHITSTAIN: That's...
(Honey Nutz laughs)
It's butter in that?
>> HONEY NUTZ: Oh, yeah, there's
butter in there. Right.
>> SHITSTAIN: Oh, we good, we
>> EDGAR: So, for a while, I
started drinking generic vodka
till I passed out, but then I'd
still have the same nightmares,
only in the dream, I'd be drunk
and way less coordinated.
>> CASEWORKER: I am so sorry,
>> EDGAR: Yeah, now I'm scared
to go to sleep because I wake up
super angry.
>> CASEWORKER: Sleep to rage.
It's the worst.
I used to tell my wife to
duct-tape pillows to my hands in
case I woke up swinging.
>> EDGAR: So, my roommate says
that I have a serious problem,
and that you guys should cover
all my meds.
>> CASEWORKER: Usually, I have
to turn down a lot of folks, but
you seem like a perfect
candidate for help.
Real quick, who is this
>> EDGAR: Oh, Jimmy.
He's a novelist from Britain.
He lets me live with him in
exchange for cooking and
>> CASEWORKER: You have a job?
It can be so tough for vets to
>> EDGAR: Oh, no, he doesn't pay
So he thinks the U.S. government
should cover your expenses...
>> CASEWORKER: ...while you work
for free?
>> EDGAR: Oh, no.
He's my best friend.
Okay, very cool.
Soldier, have you ever heard of
Domestic Civilian Transference
Syndrome By Proxy?
>> EDGAR: Mm-mm.
>> CASEWORKER: It's my only
copy, but trust me, it's highly
You need to nip this in the bud.
Tonight, you sit this so-called
roommate down and you say, "Hey,
man, I was in the shit while you
were at home watching telly.
If my nightmares are too scary
for you, maybe you need to pay
for my meds!"
>> EDGAR: Damn straight.
>> CASEWORKER: Yeah, you tell
him that.
>> EDGAR: I will tell him that.
I will!
Thank you.
>> CASEWORKER: You're welcome,
>> EDGAR (mutters): Watching
(muttering continues)
>> CASEWORKER: Number 97.
>> PAUL: You're home.
>> LINDSAY: We need to talk
about something.
This has been eating away at me,
but the fact is...
...I realized I don't really
know what you do all day.
Tell me about this...
weird thing.
>> PAUL: The recumbent?
>> LINDSAY: Yeah.
How does it work?
>> PAUL: Well, if you really
want the total experience, I can
always pull out the tandem.
>> LINDSAY: The what now?
>> PAUL: A semi-reclined
position provides broader
distribution of body weight, and
allows some better blood flow to
the anus and testicles.
Aw, heck yeah!
Here's the gang!
Mimi, Connor, this is my wife
Last one to Starbucks is an
(groans loudly)
We should let them win.
Connor's life-coaching business
just went under, and Mimi has
All right, here I come, Mimi.
Look out.
(bicycle bell dings)
>> JIMMY: Nice use of negative
>> GRETCHEN: What are you doing
>> JIMMY: What are you doing
I just dropped you at the
>> GRETCHEN: What?
No, you didn't.
>> JIMMY: Yes, I did.
>> GRETCHEN: What?! What are you
talking about?
No, that was a dream you had.
All right, fine.
This is so dumb.
So, I am waiting at the gate as
they deplane the flight before
mine, and all of a sudden, guess
who gets off?
My friggin' parents!
And I'm like, "What?!
I thought you guys wanted me to
come visit."
So dumb.
Gretchen, you nerd.
>> JIMMY: Stop.
>> GRETCHEN: All right, I lied.
But Vanessa and Fred are such a
I didn't want to subject you to
their passive-aggressive shit.
>> JIMMY: Right, so you packed
and had me drop you off at the
>> GRETCHEN: Did I really pack?
I just put some damp laundry and
toilet paper into a suitcase.
Open your eyes, Jimmy.
>> JIMMY: Right, well, I have to
meet the people that created
this nightmare of a person.
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, I would, but we
have to leave.
I'm taking them to the airport.
>> JIMMY: I thought you just
picked them up.
>> GRETCHEN: It turns out they
can't stay.
Dad is having emergency back
surgery tomorrow at Johns
He is having his L7 fused, and
they just had a cancellation.
The procedure's experimental,
but Dr. Pablo's the best, and a
slot just opened up.
I am serious.
>> JIMMY: Mm. Well, I'm not
leaving until you produce these
>> GRETCHEN: All right.
You asked for it.
>> JIMMY: You're not art.
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy?
Vanessa and Fred.
>> MOM: Jimmy, hi.
>> JIMMY: Hi.
>> MOM: Nice to meet you.
So sorry we have to run.
>> DAD: I'm having a surgery,
>> JIMMY: Yes. Yes, Gretchen
Okay, good luck with that.
So glad I got to meet you.
So I'll see you later?
>> GRETCHEN: Uh, nah, I have a
work thing.
Call you tomorrow?
>> JIMMY: Okay.
>> GRETCHEN (echoing): My dad's
having back surgery...
at Johns Hopkins.
He's having his L7 fused.
Dr. Pablo's the best.
Back surgery...
Johns Hopkins...
Back surgery...
Johns Hopkins...
Back surgery...
John Hopkins...
Dr. Pablo...
Procedure's experimental...
experimental... experimental.
>> DAD: Well, they said that
it's, like, all tropical plants
they've got.
>> MOM: Oh, okay.
>> JIMMY: Who are you?
Where's Gretchen?
>> MOM: Oh, look, hon.
It's the guy with the accent.
>> DAD: That lady said we were
on a hidden camera show.
What channel will this be on?
>> MOM: Oh, I bet it's nine.
>> DAD: Four? No, four, right?
>> MOM: No. No, I bet you a week
of dishes it's channel nine.
>> DAD: Nine?!
>> MOM: Nine. Nine. Nine.
>> DAD: Four. Four. Four.
>> PAUL: And as I like to say,
once you pedal on your back,
you never go back.
To pedaling normally.
(Lindsay laughs weakly)
>> LINDSAY: This is really nice.
>> PAUL: Well, there's more
where that came from.
Were you serious about seeing
what I do for fun?
>> LINDSAY: Yes.
>> PAUL (laughs): Well, hold
on to your hat.
(Lindsay groans)
(engine sputtering)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached an altitude of 75 feet.
If you look out the right side
of the plane, you can see the
San Gabriels.
Those on the left can catch a
glimpse of my beautiful wife
Lindsay. (chuckles)
>> DARREN (over radio): Paul,
you know that sub-hundred
elevation is for westbound
traffic only.
>> PAUL: Roger that.
Sorry, Darren.
Did you know that four American
presidents were home-brewers?
Can you guess?
George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson, James Madison,
The answer is Barack Obama!
>> LINDSAY: Huh?
I'm fine.
Keep talking beer.
(Paul sighs)
>> EDGAR: Jimmy, we need to
>> JIMMY: Gretchen was so scared
of me meeting her parents that
she hired fake parents.
Am I really Draco Malfoy?
>> EDGAR: I just talked to the
V.A., and...
Am I just some unpaid servant
who lives here for free?
>> JIMMY: That's a concise way
of putting it.
>> EDGAR: My caseworker says
maybe you should be paying for
my meds.
>> JIMMY: Right. Listen to me,
my friend.
You bought into a long con.
Society screwed you over, and we
owe you for that.
I, personally, do not owe you,
but a sort of collective "we"
And you need your meds so you
can shake off some of the damage
done by Cheney's fictional
yellowcake uranium.
So, you turn around, you go back
to the V.A., and you demand your
(Gretchen sighs)
>> FRED: 15, love.
Let's go, sweetie.
>> VANESSA: Gretchen, your
backhand has completely
>> GRETCHEN: Sorry, Mommy.
>> VANESSA: Seven years of
training with Andrés for
nothing. (scoffs)
>> FRED: You can do it, sweetie.
>> GRETCHEN: Sorry, Mommy.
(Jimmy mouthing)
>> JIMMY: Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm late.
Mwah. Hello.
I'm Jimmy Shive-Overly.
Gretchen's boyfriend.
>> FRED: Oh, well, hello.
I'm Fred.
>> VANESSA: Vanessa.
Please join us.
In her typical way, Gretchen has
told us nothing about you.
>> JIMMY: Ugh!
Gretchen-- always ordering milk.
Sometimes double milks.
I actually sometimes wonder if
maybe she drinks too much milk.
(Jimmy laughs)
>> VANESSA: So, Jimmy, where are
you from?
>> GRETCHEN: London.
The fancy part.
>> FRED: And what do you do?
>> GRETCHEN: He's a novelist.
Published, very well-regarded.
>> VANESSA: And, Gretchen,
you're still doing that music
>> FRED: Who's that skinny boy
you represent?
>> JIMMY: Shitstain?
Josh Groban is who he meant.
>> VANESSA: How did you two
>> GRETCHEN: At a fund-raiser.
It was...
>> FRED: Ah, Gretchen does so
much charity work.
>> JIMMY: Oh, she does love
Tell your mom how you got your
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy, it was so
nice of you to stop by, but I
know you have that meeting.
I'll walk you out.
>> VANESSA: What meeting?
>> GRETCHEN: Movie producers.
From Hollywood.
They are turning his book into a
movie starring Zach Braff and
that woman from the show you
>> VANESSA: Scandal?
>> GRETCHEN: Yes, Scandal.
Jimmy, I bet that driver has
been waiting outside for a while
You should go.
>> JIMMY: Okay.
Nice to meet you both.
Okay, none of this is true.
I'm not from the fancy part of
London, I'm from the bad part
of Manchester.
>> GRETCHEN: Stop.
>> JIMMY: I am an author.
Talented but wildly
I had to follow Gretchen here
today, only to witness her
mother bullying her during a
tennis match.
You're right about her
backhand, by the way-- it's
>> VANESSA: You're telling me
how to speak to Gretchen?
>> JIMMY: You've never spoken to
the real Gretchen.
The real Gretchen runs publicity
for some of the biggest rap acts
in town.
The real Gretchen doesn't drink
milk or take ballet classes.
In fact, she just cancelled her
gym membership so she'd have
money for cigarettes.
>> FRED: You smoke?
>> JIMMY: Sure, she hasn't been
to the dentist in years and
lives off 7-Eleven hot dogs, but
she is brave and spontaneous.
And that Gretchen is so
paralyzed with the fear of
disappointing you that you don't
actually know her at all.
I feel sorry for you two.
You will never know the
brilliant, beautiful mess that
is your daughter.
(Gretchen chuckles nervously)
>> GRETCHEN: Daddy, I...
>> FRED: (sighs) Just take us
back to our hotel.
finish your milk.
>> CASEWORKER: I really wish I
could help, but funds are tight.
Congress wants to pay for the
war, not the casualties.
>> EDGAR: I'm not asking for a
medal or a parade, just a good
night's sleep.
(caseworker sighs)
>> CASEWORKER: Uncle! I give in.
(chuckles) I will fill out your
paperwork and find the money for
your meds.
>> EDGAR: Thank you.
>> CASEWORKER: Where is it that
you're living?
>> EDGAR: Uh, Silver Lake.
>> CASEWORKER: Silver Lake.
Hey, Jerry, bad news, you're
gonna have to turn in your hook.
>> JERRY: But-but I use it to
pick things up.
>> CASEWORKER: No, man.
Stuff's gonna stay on the
This hipster's having bad
>> EDGAR: I didn't...
(gunfire over TV)
>> GRETCHEN: Why would you do
My dad didn't say another word
to me in the car, and now
they're changing their flight so
they leave tomorrow!
What is wrong with you?!
>> JIMMY: Sorry, wouldn't you
rather have a fractured,
combative relationship with your
parents that's based on truth
than this pleasant artificial
relationship based on lies?
>> JIMMY: Well, then you
should've been more explicit
about that.
>> GRETCHEN: They're my family!
I get to lie to them till I'm
old and they're dead, and you
don't get a vote!
I would never tell your dad to
read your book.
>> JIMMY: Yeah, because he
wouldn't let you through the
door 'cause you're a redhead and
he's hated the Irish ever since
the IRA blew up his favorite
chip shop.
Look, I'm sorry.
Forgive me for valuing honesty.
>> GRETCHEN: This is about you
controlling and bullying
everybody to behave the way you
think they should.
I knew you were insensitive and
manipulative, but you're mean,
You're a mean person.
>> JIMMY: Well, at least I am a
¶ ¶
>> JIMMY: Hey, um...
>> GRETCHEN: I'm done.
I'm tagging out.
>> JIMMY: What?
Of-of this argument?
>> GRETCHEN: No, Jimmy.
Of this.
I told you I don't do
relationships, and yet here we
are in one.
I feel... I feel like this train
is speeding up, and this may be
my last chance to hop off before
any serious injury.
>> JIMMY: Speak English.
>> GRETCHEN: Good-bye, Jimmy.
You're right, I'm not a person.
(door slams)
>> PAUL: Those three stars are
Orion's Belt.
See how he looks like a man with
a club?
(Australian accent): G'day,
I'm Orion, the mighty hunter.
(both laugh)
Hmm. What was that for?
>> LINDSAY: Nothing.
Just... you.
You weirdo.
(phone chimes)
I'm sorry. I have to go.
Gretchen needs me.
Thanks for the day.
Have fun with your stars.
>> PAUL: They're everyone's
(door opens, closes)
>> EDGAR: Where's Gretchen?
And why are you cooking?
>> JIMMY: It's over.
Lasted longer than anyone
would've guessed, huh?
>> EDGAR: No.
What happened?
>> JIMMY: Uh, can we not talk
about it?
I-I need to just...
just not.
You hungry?
>> EDGAR: Yeah, I-I could eat.
>> JIMMY: No go on the pills,
>> EDGAR: (scoffs) Nope.
>> JIMMY: We'll go down there
tomorrow and sort it out.
>> EDGAR: R-Really?
>> JIMMY: I have no idea how to
>> EDGAR: What have you been
doing all this time?
>> JIMMY: Just, uh, stirring
ketchup in a pan.
>> EDGAR: Okay. Okay. Um...
that's a good base.
>> JIMMY: Yeah?
>> EDGAR: Yeah.
Uh, pinch of salt, throw it in
>> JIMMY: Pinch-pinch of salt.
>> EDGAR: And then add a little
bit of, uh, olive oil, two,
three counts worth.
Now stir it in.
Stir it in nice and gently.
And, uh, keep stirring, keep
¶ And may
I call you baby?
For the rest
¶ Of my days?
¶ And do
You think I'm crazy... ¶
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH