You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - We Can Do Better Than This - full transcript

Jimmy accepts a job novelizing television shows. Gretchen and Lindsay realize they have nothing interesting to talk about, except the men in their lives. Edgar meets someone special in his improv class.

The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

FXX presents You're the Worst.

[ Man Laughs ]

See, even the greatest writers

have been forced
to take the odd job.

Faulkner was a mailman.

Kafka, a clerk!

Now, as you have said,

the novelization market
is blowing up

in a "ginormous" way.

So I have prepared
a list of films

that I would agree
to novelize for your company.

The Seven Samurai,

The 400 Blows,

Thirty Two Short Films
about Glenn Gould...

Uh, Jimmy, we're gonna
stop you right there.

They don't all have
numbers in the title.

We aren't the department
that handles film novelizations.

We're in charge of
literary cross-promotion

for all entities owned
by our parent company...

Burger Hole.

What does that mean?

We prioritize more
amorphous in-house ideas

sparked by properties in
the Burger Hole multiverse

that have the most
mental real estate.

Uh, for instance, uh,
this just came in yesterday.

Uh, corporate was thinking
of something involving

French fries?


Could be a "fish out
of water" thing.

Or how about this new theme
park ride... the Dragonator?

It's a dragon with a goddamn
roller coaster for a tail.


Maybe he's a single dad.

I don't know.

You're the writer.

Do you have anything
with an actual narrative?

Uh, we do have some TV projects

that are open
for literary pollination.


There's, uh, Bones,

Property Brothers,
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The Slap.

There's Caught on Camera
with Nick Cannon,

Dog with a Blog...

Sorry, NCIS: LA?!

You're a fan?

Heard of it.

Oh, who am I kidding?
It's my favorite!

Oh, great!

We'll send start papers
and parameters,

but you will be imagineering
your own original story.


Here's a copy of the show bible.

Oh, do not need it!

But I'll take it.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Sam, I'm sure they meant

"soft-ass poseur bitch"
in a meta way.

You guys are in a fake fight!

Keyword... "fake."

No, don't hang...

Goddamn it!

(indistinct chatter on TV)

Ooh, I love dumb procedurals.

Wash over me, garbage.

Numb my brain.

Make me feel nothing.

Okay, that is elitism, Gretchen.

Would you have dismissed
Dickens for being popular?

David Copperfield...
didn't even do any magic.

Ooh, ya burnt, Dickens!

Why are there so many
naval crimes, anyway?

Oh, Navy's villains.

They're one degree from pirates.


MAN (over television):
Looks like we need

to go discuss this
with the admiral.

(childlike voice):
Play with me.


Shut up, both of you!

All right?
This is my job now.

It's your-your job?

Jimmy... you're not
writing recaps, are you?

Oh, Jimmy.

Are you grading this episode?


I am writing the official
novelization of the show.

Wow! Seriously?

I am super impressed.

Right. Everybody out,

so I can work.



You, too.
Oh, no problem.

I've got to get
to my improv comedy class.

And, yeah, I've been
waiting to tell you guys.

It's this really cool
and exciting new thing

I'm doing with my life.

I'll tell you
more about it later.

Bye, Jimmy.

(door closes)

(smooth jazz music playing)

(line ringing)

WOMAN: Hello?
This is customer number 7532.

I don't know
how much time I have.

Send over one of the tall ones.


Oh, my God!

What is this?!

Why is this?!

I thought you'd gone.

I forgot my fro-yo punch card.

What is this, even?

None of your business!


Erotic Tales?

"By Jimmy Shive-Overly,

age 11"?!

Still holds up.

This is the most Jimmy
thing you have ever done.

(clears his throat)

(smooth jazz playing)

(all buzzing)

Excuse me, sir?

You may be a dog,

but that doesn't
make you handicapped.


And scene!

Great callback, Edgar.

Awesome class, you guys.

Good work.

Good work.

Oh, and hey, you guys.

My group
Hey, Put That Down Brian!

Has a show tomorrow night,
so, you guys, please come.

Just kidding,
don't come, don't come.

I don't want you to come.

Seriously, though,
if you don't come,

I'll kill myself, so

please come.

Bye, guys!
Thank you.

Uh, so, so, uh, Dorothy,

you're in Brian?!

I didn't know they had a girl.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

The lone vulva.

That's the team
with Tall Nathan, right?

Yeah, and Kyle and Josh.

You know them?

Nah, I only met
Tall Nathan once.

But I'm a huge fan.

In one scene he played a dude

that doesn't understand sarcasm.

So funny.


You want to help me
pick up the chairs?



That's really great space work.

Um, I meant the actual chairs.

Ah, of course you did.


How's work?

Are you still in charge
of that fake rap feud?

Ugh, it's gone completely
off the rails.

Honey Nutz and Shitstain

wrote a dis track about
how Sam has pepperoni nipples,

so he told his fans to murder
them in World of Warcraft.

What have you been up to?
Not a lot.

Little of this, little of that.

Shot a condom full

of piping hot semen into my vaj.

How's the cake batter?

First of all, are you okay?!

I'm fine.

I mean, I won't be riding
a horse anytime soon.

But I'm already banned
from the equestrian center.

And secondly, what?!

I was just so upset about Paul.

And the idea of him shoving

his ding dong into that
beer cooze's hand-pussy.

And Edgar's been so weird
and clingy lately.

It's like I can't think straight

with these guys
clogging up my brain!


I spend all day dealing
with my dumb rapper babies.

And when I get home,
there's Jimmy and Edgar.

And then the one chance I get
to sneak away for a quick hang

with the Louise to my Thelma...

Who are they?

And all we talk about is men!
I know!

We are complex women
with rich inner lives.

For God's sakes,
let's act like it

and discuss something
other than dicks

and the dildos they hang off of.

I'm in.



I know.

There was just this really
grody murder in Alabama

where this woman thought
her kids were demons,

so she drowned all eight
of them and dressed them up

like Victorian dolls.

Ugh! Postpartum murders
are so basic.

Maybe we can talk
about powerful women?

Like George Clooney's wife,
Amal Clooney?

She's both super accomplished
and absolutely stunning.

She a'ight.

I guess we can shit-talk
women we know.

That's within the rules, right?
Ooh, we can?!

Like Becca?

Ugh, that sausage wallet.

Sausage wallet?
I hope

she gets pregnancy 'rhoids
and they leave her bedridden,

and I have
to raise her baby myself.

I'd parent the shit out of her.

"Wear that skirt.
Don't blow that boy.

This is pizza!"

Who are we?

We can't talk about men,

so we're talking about babies,
living and dead?

Weak sauce. We can do
better than this!

Oh, you're right.

Men have ruined our damn minds!

Tomorrow we'll meet up
for breakfast

with prepared lists
of interesting, non-dude topics.


This is feminism, right?

Yes, it is.

(punching card)

You guys can't come in here


How's it going?
Not great.

There are so many moving
parts to the NCIS universe.

It's quite daunting, really.

(Edgar laughs)

I'm sorry.

I was thinking
about something funny

that happened in improv class.

We were all driving cars,
and I said, "Excuse me, sir,

you may be a dog, but you're not
handicapped, are you?"


It was a callback.

If you're interested
in watching some,

I stuck the calendar
on the fridge.

In fact, I'm going to my teacher
Dorothy's show tonight.

She's in Hey,
Put That Down Brian!

You should come.
Oh, that sounds
really, really fun,

but you know what I
think I'd rather do?

Stab myself in the bowels.

Do you know what I'd
rather experience

than long-form improv?

Long-form bone cancer.

Point taken.
No, I don't think it is.

See, you just described an
improvised comedy scene to me.

That's worse than
telling someone

about a dream that
doesn't feature them sexually.

I mean, you've had some
awful, awful hobbies,

but this is by far the worst.

And I'm including heroin

and not knowing things
are a school.

I didn't know it was a school.


(door bells tinkle)

All right, Lindsers,
I have here a list of things

to talk about, none of which
involve stupid men.

First off, "Our mothers
and how their pathology

messed us up."
Maybe it's all their fault.

Yeah. Sure.

But what about "Icees."

Icees? Oh, I don't think
they have those here.

I'm talking about
the Islamic State, Gretch.

They formed their
own "cellophane."

Do you think Obama has a
strategy to neutralize them,

or will O-Bummer betray America
like he did with Benghazi?

What the hell's going on?

You told me not to
think about dicks,

so my brain got real bored

and I started reading
these Web sites,

and then some other Web sites

that disagreed with
the first Web sites.

(gasps) Did you know
about global warming?

It's a huge threat,
but at the same time

is made up by a bunch
of socialist lib-tards.

My question is, who benefits?

You have to follow
the money, Gretch.

Big oil, the Middle East.

(snaps fingers)

I don't want to talk
about Benghazi.

Nobody does!
And the Koch brothers?

For some great patriots
dedicated to upholding
the Constitution...

Chapter 13.

Our heroes race
to stop Chechen terrorists

from blowing the H...

off the Hollywood sign.

But oh, no.

There's an ambush.

They've been double-crossed.


I'm not sure it tracks.

I know it doesn't, goddamn it!

Can I go back to school?
My mom says

I'm the man of the house now and
that I have to get an education.

Sorry, when I gave you
that sleeve of Pop-Tarts,

was that for your help
or your biography?


(phone rings)

Jimmy! How's it coming?

I'm sorry, Female Executive,
I can't do it.

I'm a fraud of a writer.

Can't I just write

the roller coaster book?
We already

gave that to Neil Gaiman.

Jimmy, just take a break.

Walk away from the proj...


(heavy sigh)

♪ ♪

(audience laughter)

Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?

Aw, Mom,

carrots again?


Hey. So glad
you decided to come watch.

I just came to remind myself

that I am a good writer.

When they ask for a suggestion,

I'm gonna yell out
one of my classic heckles.

"I have a suggestion.

"Instead of improvising
your show,

"try the written word,

invented by the Mesopotamians
in 3200 BC."


You shush! How dare you?
Watch the show!

Hey, lady!
Give me those carrots.

Don't kill me.
Take the carrots.

Take all
the carrots.

That's a lot of carrots.

MAN: Uh, sir, we've been getting
complaints from customers

at the health food store.

I told you I wasn't good
with organic food

when you hired me!

And we flash back
to the day he was hired.

Now, how are you

with organic food?

Not good.

I'm gonna go
with my gut on this.

Your gut should be trusted...
It's a good gentleman, sir.

All right, we have
a clean-up in organic foods.

But, Councilman,
vaccines are really important,

but they're also
really, really bad.

They're transferring me
to the state capitol.

Local government

is such a joke.

Thanks, O-Blunder.

Oh... oh, no...

Oh, nothing.
You don't want to see this.

Is this about
the Keystone Xbox pipeline?

'Cause that'll
just make me madder.

I found this last night.

It's Paul and Amy
at the Coliseum.

Amy's onstage

at some concert.

Amy is interpreting...

for Beyoncé?!

She is finger-singing Beyoncé!

Senator Pelosi's office.
Stop calling me!

Ma'am, you called us.

Men are mean and
they hurt my brain.

I need wine.

Aw, come here, dum-dum.


Let's watch some garbage TV
and get our minds off of it.

Which one of
the Real Housewives
are the stupidest?

All of them.

'Cause they're wives.

Who doesn't deserve
a tasty treat...

But really, it's New Jersey.

How'd you come up
with the carrots thing?

MAN: Well, we were talking about
supermarkets, so obviously

carrots came to mind.
The connections
you made out there

were just... mind-blowing.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I also do Sketchthon,

where we write and perform
12 sketches in 12 hours.

Oh. Why do you do that?

Well, I...

I don't know.

Hey, say...

what do you think of Dorothy?

You have nothing to offer her.

I'm being realistic, mate.

You just started.

These guys are
at the absolute
top of their game.

Tall Nathan's just done
improv on a cruise ship.

Kyle's been
to Greg Proops's condo!

Oh, you're right.

I haven't done
anything with my life.

I went straight from
high school to the army,

then straight to Iraq,
and I didn't even get

to see the cool parts of Iraq.

I was in Fallujah, which is
basically their San Diego.

I'm referring to myself, too.

I'm a one-not-really-
a-hit wonder.

I mean, how can I write
when there are people

this brimming with talent
out there?

You and I, we are
just visitors in this world.

We'll pass through like shadows,

and when we die...
no one will care.

Oh, look!
It's the chubby kid

from the LensCrafters

That's why I stopped
drinking sodas,

for the most part.

Hey, Edgar.

Tall Nathan, this is Edgar...
he's in my class.
Oh, yeah!

Wait, what do I know you from?

Uh, no-nowhere cool.

Y-You just came and volunteered
with my veterans' group.

Oh, yeah! That was a lot of fun.

You guys really like gay jokes.

I didn't know you
were a veteran.

I did a couple tours in Iraq.



Were you... in the shit?


I guess you could say
I was in the shit.

Speaking of...

being in shit, uh,
did I tell you about the time

the toilets broke

on that improv cruise?
Get us a couple beers.


(clears throat)

That's incredible.

So... what was it like?

I mean, unless you'd
rather not talk about it.

Oh, no, no. Uh...

What do you want to know?


Are you sure you didn't write
those jokes beforehand?


You don't have an algorithm

that changes your scenes based
on the audience suggestion?

It's all just...
completely original?

Yeah, I guess you could say
that, yeah. Why? What do you do?


I'm a novelist.

In fact,
I came here tonight

with a written list of heckles.

(chuckles): Really? All right,
what were some of them?

Oh. Um...

Ah, this one's good.

"Instead of improv comedy,
why don't you kill yourselves

and improve comedy?"

(fake chuckle)

You don't like it.

You want to...
end the heckle

with the meanest
part of the joke.

"Improve comedy...

Kill yourselves."

That's really good.

Hmm? Unicorn.


Hey, Jimmy.

I was dreaming about a unicorn.

How you doing?

I met some artists
who fully exposed

the depths of my own hackery.

Sorry, Gretchen, I
have to go throw myself
off the Hollywood sign.

Nice knowing you.

What are you hiding under there?

You're reading my erotic tales?

And after you teased me
about them relentlessly?

No! Yes.

Well... what do you think?


they're hella hot!

They are, aren't they?!
And to think that I've

been interviewing with authors
and novelizing TV shows...

Albeit great ones... while
the world awaits my second book.

Who am I to deny them?
Who are you?

And I finally know
what it should be.

I'm gonna give the world
what I've been preparing for

since I was 11:

the first truly
literary erotic novel

since Portnoy's Complaint.

I'd jerk off to it.
In fact...

why don't you...

read me a little bit
of the chapter

in the barn.

that's one of my
favorites as well.

(clears throat)

(low, steady buzzing)
"Wallenda bathed
herself in milk.

(buzzing continues)
"'Aye, ' the Baker
Boy thought,

"tis a fine meal I'd
make of this one.'"

Oh, yeah, that's good.

(buzzing rises in pitch)

"He averted his eyes, his
manhood stiff and trembling

"beneath his breeches.

"Wallenda cried out, 'No!

"'Don't you dare look away,
you naughty Baker Boy.

(buzzing rises in pitch)
"'Take in the wholeness
of my nudity!'

And he did."

(buzzing rises in pitch)

♪ ♪

WOMAN (on TV):
In Arizona, cactus are sacred.

If you steal one,
you're going to prison.

But if you mess
with someone's heart,

there's nothing anyone
can do about it,

except me.

My name is Sandra Hope,

and I run Mate Check
Private Investigations

with my boyfriend, Tom.

Mate Check. Can I help you?

So, then, tomorrow night,
I'm sitting in with this
group from Chicago,

Michael Jordan's Gambling Debt.

I'll check it out.

Uh, so, uh, Teach...

buy you a drink?

Sure. I'll have
what you're having.

(phone buzzing)

WOMAN (on TV): Well, Nana,
you need to, like, you need

to party up a little bit.

HOPE: Xanadu's the youngest,
and a good girl.


♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Come and watch
a curtain rise ♪

♪ Just in time for us to hide ♪

♪ Do you wanna ♪

♪ See my ghost? ♪

♪ Picking up
the old boy's slack ♪

♪ Only can we go so far ♪

♪ Take a bow and raise a glass,
oh... ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

♪ Hold it right there ♪

♪ Do you want to keep me
on the line? ♪

♪ Hold it right there ♪

♪ Caught the operator... ♪

♪ ♪

(dog barks)

You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.





may produce champions,

but legends
really come to life...

when they get hard.

The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.


(wind whistling)

(woodpecker tapping)

All new, Mondays at 10:00.

Starts October 12 on FX.

(metal ringing)

The Bastard Executioner.

All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.


(electricity crackling)

(knocking continues)

American Horror Story: Hotel.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.

- This January...
- Yow!

- Yikes.
- Ha-ha!

- Hoo!
- Ow!


- The all new season.
- Yaah!

- (thunderclap)
- Aaah!

Sunny returns January.

Only on FXX.

Who are you guys?

-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.

What are you
looking for exactly?


Why not get
surgically conjoined?

Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.