You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Jimmy and Gretchen find themselves falling for each other despite their better judgment.

Becca: Vernon and I just want
to thank you all for coming.

Ever since I was a small
girl, I've dreamt of this day.

Vernon: Me, too.

(laughter)

Becca: Sure, in my fantasy,
it took place at Fraggle Rock.

(laughter)

I was marrying Johnny Depp.

Vernon: Me, too.

(laughter)

(Becca clears her throat)

Becca: But in all seriousness, it is
so amazing to be surrounded by so many

people who care about us.

We really feel...

so much love from you guys.

And as the Beatles said,
"All you need is love."

And a Vera Wang dress.

(Becca chuckles)

(laughter)

Vernon and I are looking
forward to seeing you at our 50th

wedding anniversary.

(Becca laughs)

(crying): Promised myself
I wasn't gonna do this.

Uh, Jimmy, are you having a-a good time?

Jimmy: Absolutely.

Just so glad you invited me.

Becca: Really?

Jimmy: Of course.

Sometimes, well, you just want
to witness the beginning of a

disaster, so later, when the
house is engulfed in flames,

you can say, "Yup, I was there when
they installed the faulty wiring."

- Becca: Unbelievable.
- Jimmy: Just admit it.

You only invited me here so you
could passive-aggressively rub

my nose in your happiness.

At least I would have had the

decency to rub your nose in it directly.

Becca: Oh, yes, your commitment
to honesty is so refreshing.

It must be so hard being the
only one who sees people for

what they actually are.

Jimmy: It is.

It's incredibly hard.

Becca: Well, it's also gonna
be what keeps you alone,

because you are ugly and
unpleasant and honestly, Jimmy,

you're not the original you think you are.

Jimmy: I'm not original?

Wow!

That is hilarious, coming from such a...

No, you're right.

This day isn't about me, is it?

Becca: What were you gonna say?

- Jimmy: Forget it.
- Becca: No, I'm serious.

I really want to know what does

(in British accent): the brilliant
Jimmy Shive-Overly think about me?

(Jimmy grunts)

Vernon: You talk to her again, and
me and my boys will mess you up.

Jimmy: Who talks like that?

Vernon: I'm serious, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Fine, not a problem.

Enjoy your sham of a marriage!

Vernon: I will!

Gretchen: You got another one of those?

Jimmy: Pretty expensive.

Gretchen: Good job in there.

Jimmy: Getting married doesn't remove you
from the burden of having to act like a

human being.

Gretchen: Totally.

Those two are doomed.

Jimmy: Right?

Has any couple ever had a more
dishonest start to a marriage?

I mean, the balls to have a
traditional Catholic ceremony.

Gretchen: When she's
already had two abortions.

Jimmy: And can only orgasm through anal.

(people gasp and mutter)

Jimmy: Mr. and Mrs. Cottumaccio.

MAN: Let's go inside.

Jimmy: Old Cottumaccios.

(man mutters)

- You're pretty.
- Gretchen: Thanks?

Jimmy: How do you know her?

Gretchen: I'm friends with the sister.

- Jimmy: Friends with Fat Lindsay?
- Gretchen: Yeah, me and

Fat Lindsay are hella close.

Jimmy: So, uh, what you heard about me?

Gretchen: Nothing, just
that you're the worst.

Jimmy: Says the girl who just
stole a blender from a wedding.

Gretchen: No.

Really?

Oh, man!

I thought it was a food processor.

Jimmy: Who's the worst now?

Gretchen: Yeah, well...

Gretchen: I don't know what I'm doing here.

I'm not even attracted to you.

Jimmy: What does that
have to do with anything?

Gretchen: Yeah.

♪ Don't look ahead
There's stormy weather... ♪

Jimmy: What? It's L.A.

Who doesn't drive?

Gretchen: DUI.

I occasionally see this movie director guy.

Jimmy: Gross.

Gretchen: One time, he booty-texted
me from some awards show.

I was already at the bar, so I

drove over to his house, and
then he texted me he was going

to be late, so I idly drove
around his neighborhood...

(chuckles): until I kind of
sideswiped an off-duty cop.

Jimmy: Do you know, I'm glad

this is a one-night thing, so
we can reveal all this awful shit

about ourselves.

Gretchen (chuckles): Totally. High five.

I'll get that.

Okay, I like that.

Jimmy: All girls do.

Gretchen: Don't call me "all girls."

Damn it. That's good, too.

♪ Don't look ahead
There's stormy weather... ♪

Jimmy: You know, right before
Becca broke up with me, I

started reading her e-mail.

Gretchen: Oh, I've done that.

Jimmy: So even though I had
warning, when she broke up with

me, it kind of... just
kind of knocked me out.

Even though she's clearly a
ridiculous human being, you know?

Gretchen: Yeah.

Break-ups hurt.

I've heard.

I don't really do relationships.

Jimmy: Me, neither.

Anymore.

Gretchen: So, what, are you
one of those creepy foot guys?

Jimmy: No.

I have nervous hands, and
they have to stay busy.

(moaning)

Gretchen: Yeah, that's good.

Oh, don't stop, you son of a bitch.

Oh, yeah...

(Jimmy spits)

You just spit on it?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Gretchen: You just spit on my vagina.

Jimmy: So?

Gretchen: Don't!

Jimmy: Why?

Gretchen: Why don't spit on my vagina?

Jimmy: It's saliva.

It's gonna get there anyway.

Gretchen: Hmm.

And that's how I got crabs
from my guidance counselor.

(Gretchen chuckles)

Jimmy (softly): Hey.

Gretchen: Hey.

Jimmy: Right.

Uh, I should get some sleep, so...

Gretchen: Right. Good night.

Jimmy: Wait. What?

Gretchen: Oh, relax.

I'm just lazy.

I'll sneak out in the morning.

Jimmy: No, there are no sleepovers.

Gretchen: Oh, too bad.

Jimmy: I have sleep apnea.

I have to wear a CPAP machine.

Gretchen: Don't care.

I'm a log.

(CPAP machine beeps, whirrs)

(Gretchen laughs)

You look like Top Gun.

Jimmy: Shut up.

Gretchen: I'm so glad I'm not

gonna remember any of this in the morning.

(machine whirrs rhythmically)

"Never leave your wingman."

(both laugh)

Jimmy: So stupid.

(Jimmy sighs)

Edgar: Good morning.

So, I've been thinking about ghosts.

Jimmy: Oh, the things that

don't exist because there is no soul?

Edgar: Mm...

Jimmy: What a great use of your time.

Edgar: You know my great-grandfather
Baldemar on my father's side, right?

Jimmy: What? No. How could I

- possibly know your great...?
- Edgar: Oh, he was this crazy

adventurer guy who owned
a ranch in Zihuatanejo,

and he sold arms and was a
matador. Jimmy: What was his name?

- Voldemort? Never mind.
- Edgar: The coolest guy.

Because I was thinking, he
sounds like he had it all worked

out, and maybe if I could learn his
secrets, then I could fix my problems.

Jimmy: How would meeting your dead
relative help you move out of my house?

Edgar: No, I'm talking
about my real problems.

Like, the nightmares and the crying,
and how I want to do heroin all the time.

So, anyway, what do you think?

Jimmy: What do I think about what?

Edgar: If I should hold a seance to
contact great-grandfather Baldemar.

Jimmy: No.

Edgar: I think I'm gonna do it.

Thanks.

Gretchen: Why did you let me sleep so late?

I'm famished.

Nice place.

Edgar: Hi.

I'm Edgar.

Gretchen: Mmm. Gretchen.

This is dynamite.

Edgar: Oh, thanks.

Gretchen: So, how do
you guys know each other?

Edgar: Uh, we met in college.

Jimmy: No, we didn't.

Edgar: Well, he was in college,
and I sold weed to college kids.

Then he started giving me books to read,
'cause he saw untapped potential in me.

Jimmy: I gave you books that I stole from
Borders because I didn't have money for weed.

Edgar: Semantics.

Have you read his book yet?

Gretchen: No.

Edgar: Sales were flatter than expected,
plus he blew all his money on this house.

That's why he has to do more
magazine work, but you should read it.

It's real good.

Gretchen: Okay.

Jimmy: At least buy your own copy.

Gretchen (laughs): Right.

So, which one of you is
giving me a ride to work?

Edgar: I can't drive because I have PTSD and
mild to medium battlefield-induced psychosis.

Gretchen: Bummer.

Jimmy, you're up.

Jimmy: My car's at the reception.

We took a cab.

Gretchen: We did?

Damn.

Lindsay: I can't believe it.

Gretchen: Drive faster.

I'm late.

Lindsay: You slept with Jimmy.

Gretchen: Apparently.

Lindsay: Who used to date my sister.

Gretchen: Yeah, I know.

Lindsay: And on the night of her wedding?

Gretchen: Why are you crawling
up my ass about this, Lindsay?

Lindsay: You know what a jerk he is.

I told you all the time
how he swallowed her up.

She disappeared her life into

his and was never the Same.

Gretchen: Oh, that's 'cause

Becca doesn't have a
personality to begin with.

Lindsay: Well, that's true.

Ugh! Oh, Jimmy's the worst.

Did he say anything about me?

Gretchen: Nope.

Lindsay: You're not gonna
see him again, are you?

Gretchen: No way.

We did have fun, though.

(Lindsay groans)

Oh, God, I hope he doesn't think
it was, like, an actual thing.

Lindsay: No kidding.

Um, get...

Can you be careful where you're
putting your makeup, and can you

take your feet off the dashboard?

This is a lease.

Gretchen: Okay.

(phone buzzing)

Stop the car.

Lindsay: What?

Gretchen: Stop the car!

I'd rather walk than drive in
this sterile, suburban, piece

of shit car with my best friend
being shitty and judgmental to

me 'cause I had sex
with a guy at a wedding.

How many guys did you blow
at our five-year reunion?

Lindsay: Four.

Gretchen: Four?

You told me three.

Lindsay: I might have
left out Tor Borgfeldt.

Gretchen: Ew!

I'm seriously nauseated right now.

Lindsay: Oh, God.

We used to have so much fun.

Gretchen: Yeah, we did.

Why'd you have to get married?

Lindsay: I know.

I'm sorry.

Do you like my new haircut?

Gretchen: No, you look like Ellen Barkin.

If you get your real estate
license, I will stab you in the tits.

Jimmy: Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Killian: Hi.

Jimmy: What?

Killian: I just moved in... over there.

Jimmy: Of course you did.

Killian: Why do you say that?

Jimmy: Because the death of

any interesting neighborhood is

the influx of white procreators.

Killian: Oh, that's cool.

My nutritionist is gay, too.

Jimmy: I'm not gay.

I'm English.

(Jimmy sighs)

Killian: What's that?

Jimmy: A royalty check
for my book for... $17.43.

Do you know, if there was any

doubt that the book industry
was dead, it is here in my hand.

R.I.P., literature.

2000 BC to this moment.

Killian: You want to hang out sometime?

Jimmy: What?

What are you even talking about?

I'm an adult.

Do you know what that means?

It means that I am beset upon at
all times by a tsunami of complex

thoughts and struggles,
unceasingly aware of my own

mortality and able to
contemplate the futility of

everything and yet still rage
against the dying of the light.

So do you see how monumentally
stupid you, a child, asking me

"do I want to hang out sometime" is?

Killian: My dad designs video games.

We get all the new ones early.

Jimmy: Come over around 8:00.

♪ As rumor has it still ♪

♪ I followed the rules ♪

♪ Of Frank Abagnale ♪

♪ So catch me if you can ♪

♪ There ain't people... ♪

Gretchen: What the crap?!

Sam: You know I get nervous at these shits.

Gretchen: You are paying a guy to take
your photograph, and you trash his studio?

Sam: You weren't here!

Unprofessional as shit!

A publicist who can't show up at

publicity events?

Don't even know what I'm
paying you for, Gretchen!

Gretchen: The label pays me.

Sam: You know it all gets

charged against my end, bitch!

Label is villains.

From now on, I'm just gonna drop

free mix tapes and Vines of my guinea pigs!

Gretchen: You need to apologize
to Nestor so he doesn't sue you.

Sam: Let him.

I'll lawyer the hell up!

Gretchen: Nestor is a great photographer.

We need him.

Sam: Anyone's a good

photographer now.

Shitstain take amazing

Instagrams.

Shitstain: No filter.

Honey Nutz: Yeah! @Shitstain!

Sam: Anyway, bitch, this is your fault.

You need to apologize to him for
being such a no-showing-up bitch!

♪ Get down, get down ♪

♪ Get down, get... ♪

Sam: We're sorry we broke your shit.

Gretchen: Okay, good.

Nestor, we'll talk about restitution?

Hey.

You okay?

Sam: Yeah.

Hell were you doing anyway?

Gretchen: Nothing worth talking about.

Sam: You still need to make it up to us.

I'll fire your ass, and it won't

mean shit to me.

Gretchen: Yes, it will.

Sam: I'm serious.

You owe me, Gretch.

Gretchen: Okay, Sam.

What do you need?

Sam: You need to kiss
my quarter-Chickasaw ass!

Then you need to get me some

cocaine.

I'm too famous to get it myself.

I'm not playing.

You on probation now.

Yo!

Ooh! Wait now. Hold on!

High five. Put her there.

She's hot.

(door unlocks)

Edgar: I got your car towed

back here.

And look who I found getting out of a cab.

Gretchen: Don't worry.

I forgot my purse.

Not on purpose or anything.

Edgar: I'm gonna leave you two alone.

Gretchen: He's sweet.

It's nice that you let him live

here.

Jimmy: You know your purse

had food in it.

It was covered in ants.

Who keeps food in their purse?

Gretchen: Whoa.

What's your problem?

Jimmy: Well, I've had a

really shitty day.

And then I come home to find that my
bedroom is a goddamn '50s sci-fi movie.

And why would you stay over, huh?

That's amateur hour.

Gretchen: Here I was worried

you were gonna get the wrong

idea about last night.

So thank you for saving me the speech.

Jimmy: You were gonna make a speech?

Gretchen: Okay, forget it.

Jimmy: Yeah, no kidding.

Save your breath.

Gretchen: I don't know what
planet that you're from, but on

my planet, someone like you
does not just get... this!

Congratulations, you
bagged a weakened gazelle.

That's right.

I'm still stupid-hooked on
someone else who is eons further

than you in the evolutionary
scale in all categories except

maybe unearned ego and back fat.

What? You so value honesty, you

had to chew a bride out on her

wedding day in the name of it?

Well, why don't you face this

giant hunk of truth, Jimmy?

There is a fat asterisk next to

my name on your skank-ridden

little bone list and it reads,

"She probably would've gone home

with anyone that night!"

So thank you!

Thank you for my wake-up call,

Jimmy
Stupid-Three-Names.

You are officially my bottom.

Hey, you.

TY: Kiddo.

What a surprise.

Gretchen: I was just in the neighborhood.

TY: Uh, I have an early call time.

But...

Yeah, come in.

Last time you said you were

coming over, you never showed.

I thought you'd grown sick of me.

Gretchen: Nah, you're all right.

TY: You're so beautiful, Gretchen.

(hip-hop music playing)

Edgar: Hi.

Killian: Hi.

Edgar: You busy, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yep.

Edgar: Well, could you,
like, pause it for a second?

Jimmy: No.

What's wrong with you?

Give me the controller.

Edgar: No.

I've watched you for two years
now get girls to come home with

you, and they're always
gone in the morning.

Jimmy: Sorry, I can help
it if she refused to leave?

Give me my controller.

Edgar: No.

Jimmy: Fine.

(video game character screams)

Edgar: I'm sorry I have to do this.

Now, I don't mind you being jerky
with me because I know you care.

Jimmy: What the...

No, I don't.

Edgar: Yes, you do.

Jimmy: You're just an animal

living in my house.

Edgar: But Gretchen stayed, okay?

You say she forced you, but we
both know there's not a person

on this planet that's ever had a
good outcome trying to force you

to do anything.

She stayed, man.

And that means something, whether
you want to admit it or not.

I'm gonna let you go now.

Jimmy: Why would I even

listen to you, eh?

You're a mental case.

You're on, like, a billion

medications that all say
"Take for batshit craziness."

Edgar: I was defending our country.

Jimmy: Oh, please.

You weren't defending anything
except for the business

interests of evil men.

Edgar: Jimmy, our country is the
business interests of evil men.

Jimmy: That may be the most
intelligent thing you've ever said.

Edgar: Thanks.

Jimmy: You're still a goddamn lunatic.

Edgar: Hey, wait.

Come on, man.

W-Wait. Where are you doing?

Jimmy: To a bar, where
I can drink in peace.

Come on, Killian.

All right, call the police.

Edgar: On me?

Jimmy: Someone's stolen my car.

Edgar: No, Gretchen took it, remember?

Jimmy: Gretchen took my...

Sorry, Gretchen took my car?

Edgar: Yeah.

I saw her driving it away earlier.

I figured you loaned it to her.

Come to think of it, I did
think that was kind of weird.

Jimmy: She doesn't have a license!

Edgar: Huh.

She must've stolen your keys

from the counter.

You got to admit, that's
kind of a baller move.

(chuckles)

Killian: You guys are fun.

(grunting)

Gretchen: Um, hey.

TY: Yes, Gretchen?

Gretchen: Can we just take a little break?

TY (chuckles): Sure.

(sighing)

Gretchen: So... what's the

worst thing you've ever done?

TY: Gretchen, you know ever

since India I don't dwell on

negativity.

Gretchen: I set my high

school on fire to get out of a

math test.

(chuckles)

TY: What?

Why are you telling me that?

That's horrible.

Gretchen: Never mind.

Kidding.

(moans)

TY: Oh, you're a marvel.

(pants)

Ooh, that's terrific.

Yeah.

(Gretchen spits)

Did you just spit on me?

Gretchen: No.

Yes. Sorry.

TY (chuckles): Oh, Gretch.

Mmm.

That's delicious.

Gretchen: Do you still have cocaine?

(sighs)

(snorts)

(phone rings)

(exhales)

(sniffs)

Gretchen: Hello?

Jimmy: What are you doing?

Gretchen: Nothing. Just...

(sniffs)

reading.

Jimmy: Hey, you won't believe
this. Someone stole my car.

Gretchen: Oh.

God, that's... awful.

Jimmy: Yeah, I have to file a
police report in the morning.

Gretchen: I may have borrowed it.

Jimmy: I know.

Gretchen: Oh.

Well, sorry.

I told you I'm the worst.

Jimmy: Actually, no, you said that I was
the worst and that I was lucky to get you.

Gretchen: Yeah. About that...

Jimmy: No, don't apologize.

It was a great speech.

It was funny and true and mean.

My favorite kind.

Gretchen: I set my school on
fire to get out of a math test.

(Jimmy laughs)

Jimmy: That's genius.

Oh, and... I... lied to you before.

I do have a foot thing.

Gretchen: Seriously?

Jimmy: Yeah.

In fact, I was just trying to
find the right clip online to,

you know... s-so that I could fall asleep.

But... nothing's quite right.

Gretchen: Oh.

Do you want me to try?

Jimmy: What?

Gretchen: Shh. Let me think.

Jimmy: Come on, this is stupid.

Gretchen: Shut up.

I have been walking around
all day in these new shoes,

and they are just so...

hot and tight.

Jimmy: Oh, yeah?

Gretchen: And my socks are so... sweaty.

Jimmy: That happens.

Gretchen: I think I might
just have to take them off.

Jimmy: You do that.

Hey, you're, uh... very
nice for doing this.

Gretchen: I am very nice.

Jimmy... I'm scared of this

shit, you know?

I don't like it.

Jimmy: I don't believe in it

anymore, so...

Gretchen: So if we both know

that it can't work, then there's no harm.

Right?

Jimmy: Right.

What kind of socks?

Gretchen: Mmm...
knee-high basketball socks.

Orange and green stripes.

Jimmy: You're amazing.

You're 19 types of trouble

but... amazing.

Gretchen: Yeah, so are you.

19 types.

Well, it's late.

Did you finish?

Jimmy: I think the moment's gone, isn't it?

Gretchen: All right.

Have a good night.

Call me.

Jimmy: I will.

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