You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Inherent, Unsullied Qualitative Value of Anything - full transcript

(clattering)

Jimmy, if you're thinking
of getting into ski porn,

it's a niche audience
and the work is seasonal.

I have it all worked out,
Gretchen...

What I saw from
my tree house last night:

My father is no longer

a force in my life,
thus, everything I am

and have is suspect,

acquired or decided,
as it all were, in the context

of being "Ronny's son,"
which I am no longer, thus,

reevaluation.

It's all up for review.

So, I'm making a pros and cons
list of everything in my life

to work out whether I still
need it or not.

Oh, boy. It's the perfect

post-emotional analytic tool
to determine the inherent,

unsullied qualitative value
of anything.

To whit. Stapler.

Pros: Petite, efficient, comely.

Cons: Literally no place
for you in the digital world.

Good-bye, old girl.

Hmm... tough one.

Pros: Strong tassels,

I look fantastic in it.

Cons: I saw Moby
wearing the same one

on the cover of Yoga Life.

And there's the answer.

Right. My stuff...

there's your stuff...

Hmm?

Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!

Fine, Jimmy. Do your insane,

idiotic thing
and get this over with.

Gretchen pro-con list, go.

Well, okay.

You and your stupid tree house.

I swear, I wish I'd never
mentioned Dead Poets Society

in front of you.
You literally just did

the standing on the desk
thing, but higher.

The quicker we do this,
the quicker we can

move on with our lives.

I have stuff to do for Shitstain
and Jaclyn's elopement party.

Bet your ass
he's not making a list.

Okay, fine.

Here are two things to
start off your pro list.

Bam! Carpe those diems.

Aw, man.

I slept in gum again?

(groans)

Just know that, uh,

this is gonna be
a waste of your time.

The end result is gonna be,

"Damn, she's awesome.

"That list was pointless.

"Wasted all that paper and ink.

Sorry trees. Sorry squids."

Wait, is that
how you think we get ink?

From squids?

No.

Aw, damn it!

♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway.

(sniffs)

(indistinct chatter,
dishes clinking)

(upbeat music playing)

Ooh. Ceviche?

I don't get it.
A pros and cons list about you?

What's on it?

Oh, who cares?
We all have negative shit

we think about everyone
in our lives.

Yeah, but writing it
down makes it real.

Like Web sites or
fortune cookies.

So, how'd Paul react to the news
that you're leaving him?

Ain't told him yet.

First I got to set myself
up, get my own place.

And it'll be so phat because
I'll be getting those sweet

monthly checks from the prenup.

Wait, what? You have a prenup?

(laughs) Yeah, Paul was like,
"Oh, honey, we don't need one."

But uh-uh, I didn't
fall for that shit.

So, like a boss, I made him.

Lindsay, you ding-dong.

A prenup protects
the wealthier person, him,

in a divorce from giving his
money to the poorer person, you.

Are you goddamn kidding me?

And you let me get an abortion?!

I had a ticket
to 18 years of dough

and you let me flush my ticket?

Hey, just focus.

Do the most important thing
first: Tell Paul.

Once you do that,
you can figure out your life.

Now I have to get a stupid job.

Can I have a job?

That's gonna be a hard no.

♪

So, I got a bunch of ideas
about that restaurant concept.

You know, savory cereal?

Two words: Beefy Pebbles.

We'll talk later.

Ooh, excuse me?
Excuse me? Excuse me?

SHITSTAIN: Did-did you call him?

HONEY NUTZ: Yes, I called him.
I can't believe he's late, man.

I can. He's been the
worst best man ever.

He lost the ring at the
Monterey Aquarium tide pool.

Said a sea anemone took it.

Does that even sound
plausible to you?

Do you know how slow
a sea anemone is?

There he is.

Where's the navy suit?

Oh, nah, blood, this is it.

I just got the pants hemmed
and the jacket taken in.

Then it still was
a total piece of shit,

so I lit it on fire and bought
something dope instead.

(groans) That's it!

You're fired as best man.

Nutz, you're giving
the toast tonight.

Seriously?

Okay, idiot, good luck
with this mush-mouth.

Fool can't even leave
a simple voice mail.

Always be like, "Uh..."

"Call me back. Uh..." Click.

Y-Yo, you know public speaking
is one of my greatest fears.

It's public speaking,
heights and waking up

with a scorpion in my mouth.

You'll be fine.

We're professional
public speakers.

That-that's different.

Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.

Uh, when I'm not rapping,
I'm just Zachary from Reseda,

that likes hard cider

and losing myself
in a graphic novel.

(growls)

I don't mean no
disrespect, by that.

I don't, I don't.
I'm just saying...

Oh!

Nice look.

Shouldn't you be trying
to shoot down Snoopy?

I went a little crazy
with the purge.

Got rid of all my outerwear
and my underwear.

I'm currently wearing one
of Edgar's bathing suits.

Jimmy, I've thought about
your pros and cons list,

and I think it's only fair
that you show it to me.

Gretchen, I'm undergoing

a really painful process
of reevaluation.

Now, if you could just
respect my privacy,

I'd really appreciate it.

Fine, I hear you.
You have my word.

Mm.

Mm.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, a zipper!

I can't get through that.
(laughs)

Fine.

I'm gonna go shake gifts, see
if anything sounds expensive.

Jimmy.

This is my wife, Jaclyn.

Hi!

(scoffs)

What a dick.
Don't worry, he's an asshole.

Priscilla!

Oh, look at you!

Oh. What do you think? Amazing!

Oh, thank you.

MAN: Shitstain in the house!

I love weddings.

Friends coming together.

Old couples falling
in love again.

Plus, you can totally
steal a chair at a wedding.

I've done it so many times.

Most of my chairs are wedding chairs.
(phone vibrates)

What's going on?

Whoa. It's Doug Benson.

He wants me to come up with
five sketch ideas by tomorrow.

(exhales) Well...

I guess I better
start brainstorming.

Wait, you're gonna work
at a wedding?

I don't have a choice, Dorothy.

I mean, this is a
huge opportunity.

I-I got to nail it.

Okay, let's see.

Weddings, weddings.

Bride. Groom. Broom.

Here comes... the broom?

Wow.

This might not take
long after all.

Cool. So just go do
your very important work,

and I'll just wander around
by myself, like a loser.

Hey! Lindsay!

(groaning)

He has a job.

How'd he get that?

SHITSTAIN: All right,
I fired him to hire you.

These aren't your
words you're writing.

What is that? (Sniffing)

Hey. How'd you get that?

What? (Chuckles)

I-I don't know what
you're talking about.

PRISCILLA: Listen one more time.

My client wants
100% ostrich feathers.

I don't care. Just wait
until they stick their heads

in the ground
and then slit their throats.

Hey, how'd you get that?

(chuckles) My job?

Well, I started a fashion blog.

Then Tavi Gevinson retweeted me.

Then I dressed Parker Posey
for the Good Wife premiere.

Before I knew it,
I was a stylist.

I love your jacket, by the way.
Thanks.

My trick is I just buy
a cheap jacket,

replace the buttons
with doper ones,

and tell everyone
I got it in Italy.

But not Little Italy.
The big Italy.

That's brilliant. (Laughs)

I really like your
pocket square, too.

Thanks. Those are my panties.

(laughs)

LINDSAY: I'm not joking.

Hey. What's up with you?

Hi, Gretchen.

SAM: Got fired as the best man.

Not that I care.

Group's turning into a
bunch of pussies anyway!

Honey Nutz is getting
his knuckles waxed

for his appearance
on Poker After Dark.

Shitstain getting married
with no thought

to how it will affect
our careers.

I ain't trying to rap
about kids or poker!

Ain't nothing rhyme
with "poker."

So what are you gonna do?

What can I do? He went and
changed his whole life,

and I don't even
got a say in it.

Hey, you guys are a team.

If you feel like you're
losing control of your future,

just talk to him.

Your actions affect each other.

Yeah.

My actions do affect each other.

I don't like how you just
repeated that verbatim

with a glint in your eye,
but, yeah,

you got to take charge
of your... future.

Now you have the
glint, too, bitch.

Bitch, I ain't got no glint!

♪

Okay, how's this
for a sketch idea?

A guy who takes
everything literally.

That's kind of the first sketch
that everybody comes up with.

That or 50-hour Energy.

Oh, man.
That'd be so much energy.

(laughs)

Hey, look. It's Brian Posehn.

(chuckles) That is
not Brian Posehn.

I took tickets for Brian
Posehn's one-man show,

like, a decade ago.

I used to party with
all those comics.

The one thing I know
is who is who in comedy,

and I know that that
is not Brian Posehn.

Oh. I guess it is him.

Haircut.

I should go talk to him.

Maybe I could bounce
some ideas off him.

Excuse me. Champagne?

Oh.

I'll leave it in the bathroom
later under the soap.

Soap. (Sniffing)

(R&B music playing)

Excuse me, where's the restroom?

Can I help you?

Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend

left his heart attack
medication in his coat.

Ugh.

Yeah, do you have
a claim ticket?

Uh, no, but...

I got this.

Ignore the bruise.

Yeah, I just needed a ticket
to know which coat to get.

Oh, uh, yeah. It's the
really ugly bomber jacket.

Goddamn it.

(growls)

Okay.

(groans)

Hi. (Yelps)

(clicks tongue)

Fine. Two can play at that game.

Yeah, whatever you say, Gr...

What? Hang on.
What are you doing?

Um, I'm making a pros
and cons list about you.

No. No. You can't do that.

Pros and cons list is my thing.

Oh, another con:
Possessiveness of ideas.

Right.

Hey.

Just to balance it out.

♪

Hey. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought
25 was young to get married,

but when you know
you found the one...

25? Wow, that's...
that's a good age.

Mm.

I tested for Ugly Betty
when I was 25.

Who's Ugly Betty?

I'm gonna go.

Uh, that's actually
just for the bride...

Oh. Listen.

It's only fair I warn you what
you're getting into with us.

Our lifestyle
is straight bananas.

Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.

It can be rough on bitches.

Bitches?

Oh. (Chuckles) On women.

Yes, Sam, I know. Don't worry.

I am very pragmatic.

You have to maintain a
certain image for the fans.

Nothing will change.

Okay, good.

At least until we have a baby.

But we aren't planning
on starting a family

until at least a year.

A baby?

A human-ass baby?

Oh, man.

Seems like just yesterday
we were skating on Fairfax,

stealing leftovers from Orthodox
Jews coming out of Canter's.

Now everything's
getting so serious.

Sam, things change.

I know it's scary,
but... you'll be okay.

What the hell?! What?

Ugh! I can't believe
he just did that.

Ugh. Dale! Dale!

Shitstain!

What happened?

Sam tried to kiss me!

What the hell
is wrong with you?!

I'm sorry! I'm
just highly upset!

This is all happening so fast.

First, you settling down.
And as soon as someone agrees

to go on a date with Zachary,
you know he gonna grab on tight

and never let go.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about
someone specific?

Because if someone
has expressed interest,

I'm available.
Look, if you're afraid

that this is going to affect
our work, it's not.

We signed
our million-year pledge.

It ain't the work.

I'm just...

I'm just afraid I'm
losing my best friends.

Sam, you're never going
to lose me as a friend.

Look, why don't you and Zachary
give the speech together.

Both of you are my best men.

Always will be.

All right, man.

Let's go work on that speech.

I go first, obviously.

You know you can't be friends
with him anymore, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Hey.

Okay, so far, I have "takes
up too much room in bed,"

"eats pizza with a fork."

So you're making a list

of dumb little negative things
about him?

Yeah.

Is this the dude
that wore the bomber jacket?

That feels like one.

(gasps) Yes. Thank you.

Hey. Alex said
you were gonna put the coke

in the bathroom, man.
It's not there.

What? I left it under the soap.

Dude, I bet you Alex took it.

Look, I'm not sure I
want to get involved

in this cereal restaurant
thing if we can't trust him.

(sniffs)

EDGAR: So, the guy's, like...

(sighs)
"The boss is up my butt,"

and our hero... taking
everything literally, right?

Puts his mouth
to the guy's butt,

and he's like, "Are you
in there, Mr. Hendrickson?"

I'll save ya."

(laughs) That's hilarious, man.

Hey! Brian!

So good to see you again.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Dorothy Durwood.

We worked together
on your one-man show.

I took tickets.

Remember after that
one show at Birds,

you dared me to eat an
entire rotisserie chicken

and then I did?

But then people kind of
felt sorry for me, and...

it was kind of a
downer all told,

and not ultimately
worth it, comedically.

Right!

Course.

H-How's it going?

(groans) Still grinding away

at the old improv.

Been doing it, gosh,
like, a decade now.

But, yeah, my boyfriend here,
he goes and does it

for literally an hour
and gets a job, but...

I've got chore monkey shifts,
so... you know what that is?

Someone literally pays you
just over minimum wage

to clean out their fridge,
for an example,

and, uh, if you're real lucky,
when you get there,

it's your ex-boyfriend
from college.

Hey, uh, how much
do I have to pay you

to end this conversation?
(chuckles)

(laughs)

Uh, hey, why-why
don't I take you home?

No. No, you're networking.

Go network.

D-Dorothy?

That was rough. Sorry.

Hey, uh, I found some
cocaine in the bathroom.

Do you want some?

Mm.

PRISCILLA: (laughs)
You know, actually,

I'm looking for an
assistant stylist.

I've stylisted before!

I-I dressed this rapper,
and we wrote a song

and smoked a, um...
a professional job thingie.

(both laugh)

Well, I'd love to run through
a few questions with you.

But you need to know that
there is travel required.

You'd have to come
with me to Paris

a couple of times a year...

(ringtone plays) Oh. Sorry.

Um, I'll be right back.

Yeah.

I don't know, you tell me:

Is an emu the same
thing as an ostrich?

I'll wait.

Can you believe this?

Sweetie, I think it's amazing

that you want to work, but...

it's only ethical that you
tell her you're with child.

Paul, this woman
dressed Porter Potty

for The Good Li premiere

after being retweeted
by Crabby Applepants.

She likes me.
Let me handle this.

PRISCILLA: (groans)
Sorry about that.

Poachers can be so unreliable.

Anyway, tell me about you guys.

Do you have any children?
Nope. (Clears throat)

(chuckles) Um...

well, that's not
entirely accurate.

Do not take this from me, Paul.

It's entirely accurate.
(clears throat)

Ma'am, despite my
wife's objections,

I feel we have an
ethical obligation

to inform you of something.

Lindsay's pregnant. Oh?

No, I'm not.

(chuckles) Lindsay, I can't
let you mislead her.

She's pregnant.

No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.
There is no baby.

I had an abortion. (Gasps)

Lindsay, don't lie to her.

I'm not lying.
Gretchen drove me.

There was a pie flight.
I talked to a sign lady.

I did that. Yeah. Hmm?

Also, I'm leaving you. (Groans)

So this is the b Paris, right?

The one with the bread?

Uh...

you guys seem like
you need some time alone.

Why don't you call me
when you...

figure all this out.

Paul, are you okay?

(soft, trembling breaths)

I am allowed
to reassess my life.

You have no say in it.

So I'm just supposed
to wait around

until you think I'm worthy
of being your girlfriend?

That's bullshit, dude.

Just tell me one of the
things on your list.

Okay, fine. But only if
you tell me one of yours.

(scoffs) Fine.

(sighs) Okay.

"I can't see
having kids with her."

Your turn.

I'm afraid you'll
never be successful.

All right, everybody,
quiet down. Quiet down.

I'm Sam. This is my boy Zachary.

Now, we know why
we're here today.

Dale and Jaclyn went and eloped,

because they were too cheap
to throw a proper wedding.

(laughter)

"Two people haven't
gotten married that fast

since Immigration came
for my mom's gardener."

(woman coughs quietly)

It's true that this
courtship was kind of quick,

but the thing is,

when your shadow looks like
a broomstick with an afro,

you lock down the first girl
that lets you touch her titties!

(laughter)

"This-this dude is so ugly...

"his dad left his family

and ask to go to jail."

(chuckles)

(man clears throat)

(microphone feedback hums)
All joking aside,

it may seem like they ain't
been dating that long,

but when it's the person
you're meant to be with,

you know right away.
(people aahing)

And as you get to know them,

you only grow to love them more.

(whispers)

Hey...

uh, "Even if
it doesn't work out",

we all got some wack-ass
ceviche out of it, right?"

(laughter) Ha! Ha-ha!

Oh.

(guitar playing mellow intro)

Sorry about that kiss thing.
I apologize.

I know he stole it.
He's the one.

♪

♪ So go and drag your shadow

♪ Back up the street

♪ 'Cause Lord knows
I don't want it ♪

♪ Following me

♪ So you and your heartbreak

♪ And all of the mistakes

♪ Are always there...

Oh. Right.

♪ You got some heartache

♪ Come meet all my mistakes

♪ And we'll always be there

♪ They're always there

♪ So you and your heartbreak

♪ And all of the mistakes

♪ Are always there

♪ They're always there

♪ I've got some heartache

♪ Come meet all my mistakes

♪ And we'll always be there

♪ They're always there

♪ So I don't know

♪ Why I feel so

♪ Alone

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, yeah, I don't know why

♪ I feel so

♪ Alone...

♪ Oh, I don't know why

♪ I feel so

♪ Alone

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, yeah, I don't know

♪ Why I feel so alone.

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH