You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Sweater People - full transcript
A newly co-habitating Jimmy and Gretchen avoid a life of domesticity by partying non-stop. Edgar obsesses over Lindsay while an oblivious Lindsay makes a desperate attempt to reconcile with her husband.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(loud dance music playing)
EDGAR:
Hey, guys?
(music continues playing on TV)
One, two, three, go!
Ah!
Head wigglies!
Guys...
I win!
Head wigglies?
Head wigglies.
When you drink something cold
too fast
and your head gets all wiggly.
You Brits have baby talk
for everything.
EDGAR: Guys...
Telly, lorry, willy,
nappy, bobby!
Guys.
Well, you have very silly things
in your vocabulary as well.
Like what?
"American exceptionalism."
Nice.
Former colony burn.
(mutes TV)
Guys!
What is it?!
Excuse me!
You are being exceedingly rude.
Can't you see
that we're in
the middle of something?
This is the fifth night
in a row.
Can you pack it in
for the night?
No can do,
Hoss.
Jimmy's never seen
House Party.
Really?
Yeah.
Somehow the House Party series
wasn't popular
in my scorchingly racist,
industrial lead-mining
neighborhood.
He thinks Play's the villain.
Ah, no, actually,
I have updated
my archetypal dramatis personae
since act one.
Play is the Sage.
Mm.
Kid is the Seeker,
Stab is the Villain
and Martin Lawrence is the Fool.
I have to be at work
really early.
Are you talking
about making me breakfast?
'Cause I wouldn't call
10:00 a.m. "really early."
I work at the gym.
Oh, no, Edgar,
we call it
"working out" at the gym.
Do you really
have a job?
Yes! I wipe down machines
and I monitor the men's showers
for roughhousing.
Do you know what?
I haven't been
taking into account
what an adjustment
it must be for you,
having Gretchen living here now.
We should all learn
to compromise.
Thank you.
So let's put it to a house vote.
On the floor is the question:
Should we have a curfew
on weeknights?
Those in favor?
Those in opposition?
Ah.
The cold,
egalitarian hand
of Lady Democracy
has triumphed
once again.
God save the Queen.
God save the Queen.
(TV resumes playing)
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
Here we go.
Breakfast
lasagna.
No thanks.
Not hungry.
But you guys are always hungry.
Too hungover.
Also, we ate at,
like, what,
5:00 a.m.?
Mm.
I made Bagel Bites.
Well, since I made
all this lasagna,
maybe we should
have Lindsay over.
She loves a breakfast lasagna.
(laughs)
Dogs don't eat nachos.
EDGAR: Plus, we're all
so worried
about how she's doing
with the whole
Paul breakup.
GRETCHEN:
She's fine.
I'm seeing her later.
Okay,
well, then,
uh, give her my love.
Well, not like "my love,"
just like, "S'up?
Hang in there, kid."
You know. Something chill
and friendly-like.
(phone pings, Gretchen grunts)
My Uber driver called,
like, six times
and it didn't even ring!
Salvatore!
Salvatore?!
Is he out there?
No.
But the Zoiddle car
just drove past
with all its stupid cameras.
Shoot!
I should have flashed him.
I hate the Zoiddle car.
Why?
It's a violation.
Putting my house on the Internet
for any of
my obsessive fans to see.
(phone beeps)
GRETCHEN:
Hello? Can you hear me?
What's the address here?
You don't know the address?
No.
You live here.
Who knows their address?
People.
Kidnapped children.
This dog I saw on Dateline
who rides the bus to the park.
6969 69th Street.
6969... (chuckles)
(phone beeps)
Hello?
Damn it!
Not again.
EDGAR:
You should just get
on Jimmy's plan.
He gets great reception
and a family plan
will probably be cheaper
for both of you anyway.
Ew! Ugh!
Gross.
Why don't you get
on a family plan?
Well, I don't have a family.
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
Well, you sure you don't want
to take some for the road?
Seriously, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
I'm telling you, Gretch,
I'm great.
Living alone is way fun.
I'm naked all the time,
ass-ing everything.
100%, 24/7 sprawling.
Oh, I love
sprawling.
Sprawling is the best.
Sure, Paul messed up
the natural order of things:
hot awesome sex foxes are
supposed to leave rich nerds,
not the other way around.
But it's okay.
Paul was just too reserved
to be compatible
with someone like me
who just wants to truly live.
And sprawl.
And sprawl, Gretch.
Gotta sprawl.
So you haven't seen him?
He's been busy
planning his new future
with the chat room girl.
Beer cooze?
Beer cooze.
Actually, he's coming
by later to drop off his keys.
You want me
to be there?
Give him some of my
shitty death stares?
Ooh!
But it's okay.
I'm in a good place about it.
Are you sure?
'Cause I can...
(stomach gurgles)
Oh, God.
I'm fine.
It passed.
You look terrible.
Ever since I've been at Jimmy's,
we've been partying nonstop.
If I don't get a night off soon,
I think my liver is gonna
slide out of my body, you know?
No, Gretch.
I don't know.
What?
You can't stop.
But I'm tired.
Were you born yesterday?
Did you slither
out of your mother's cooch
yesterday, Gretchen?
Are you a little
born-yesterday diaperface?
Why are you being
so mean to me?
(baby talk):
"Yesterday I was safe
in my mommy's tummy
"and then I got borned
and the world is so cold
and hard. Wah!"
I just want to drink tea
and read a book and be cozy.
You shut the hell up!
Lindser!
In the early days,
Paul and I used
to have actual fun.
Then, pretty soon,
it was laptops in bed,
lights out at 10:00
and next thing you knew,
I was calling him "the hubs"
and he could only finish
in my hand.
What?
There comes a day
when every relationship
turns gross, old
and boring.
Like Ben Affleck
and Jennifer "Gardener."
Don't puss out
this early.
Keep it awesome
for as long as you can.
(gasps)
I know.
Do butt stuff tonight!
But I don't want to do
butt stuff tonight.
Ow!
You go home tonight
and you dress up
real slutty,
and you do butt stuff
with your boyfriend.
For all of us
who let love die
by becoming ordinary.
Do it for
the sweater people, Gretch.
The sweater people.
Wait.
You wear sweaters all the time.
It's a metaphor.
♪ ♪
Hey. Hey.
(gasps)
I got your emergency text.
Oh, God, that was touch
and go there for a second.
Ah! Head wigglies.
You and Gretchen
should really take it easy.
Absolutely not.
I'm having a blast!
I mean, yeah,
I'm peeing blood
and I briefly forgot
the word for telephone,
but just because
we're co-habitating
does not mean that we're gonna
become disgusting normals.
If you don't get some sleep,
you're gonna die.
I died when I was with Becca.
That's when I died.
With Gretchen,
I'm determined to live.
While I'm here...
a friend of mine has a problem.
Is it you?
No, my friend Gabriel,
from work.
You don't have friends.
Is it you?
Anyway, Gabriel likes this girl
who's going through
some life transitions.
Edgar, you're obviously talking
about you and Lindsay.
How did you know?
Well, you've been screaming
her name out in your sleep.
Usually it's things like,
"Get to the chopper!"
or "Where's Rodriguez?"
or "I didn't know
it was a school!"
(softly):
I didn't know it was a school.
The point is,
if this is about
you and Lindsay,
there is no you and Lindsay.
There's never
gonna be.
Never mind.
Can I go back to work now?
You have a job?
Hello, Lindsay.
Paul, you don't have
to be nervous.
I'm fine.
Really?
Okay. Good.
Guess I don't need
this pepper spray.
Here's your mail.
Thank you, madame.
(laughs)
Actually, I brought
a few things for you to sign.
What is it?
Just busywork.
Like this one removes you
from my video store account.
This one,
my hummus of the month club.
This takes you
off the membership
for the Museum
of Prehistoric Metallurgy,
but I bought you your own
individual membership
so there'd be no gap
for you there.
(clears throat)
So, how's beer coo...
Amy?
Good.
I'm actually flying
to Boulder tomorrow
to meet Amy "I.R.L." for
the first time, in real life.
That's great.
Yeah.
That's really great.
You're gonna do a makeover
before you go, right?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I just figured
before you met your soul mate
you would want to make sure
you were looking your best.
What?
Has your hair
always been so round?
You're right,
she's gonna hate me.
I look like a young Roger Ebert.
Come upstairs.
I'll help you pick out
a couple outfits.
Really?
After all,
you got me my
own membership
to the place with
the old stuff.
Thanks, Lindsay.
This is really mature of you.
(panting):
Almost...
almost...
I'm ready!
Okay.
(moans)
Tighter!
Oh, come on, bear.
Oh...
Oh, sweet hand.
That's right, Paulywog.
It's happening, it's happening.
Oh...
(yowling)
(roars)
(gasps)
What the hell am I doing?
(door opens)
(Jimmy clears throat)
Hey.
Hey, yourself, Hunk-face.
What are you wearing?
Just a little something
fun and flirty.
You like?
Yeah, I bet you do.
I thought we could do
butt stuff tonight.
Fantastic!
Yeah, for sure.
We don't have to
if you don't want to.
I mean, I could be fine just...
Pfft.
Of course I want
to do butt stuff.
In fact,
I am so up for
having another crazy night,
I have prepared as well.
(laughing):
Oh, look!
You got a whole mess of cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
'Cause you love cocaine, right?
Yes, I do!
(laughs)
It's my shit.
Cool.
Let's add cocaine
to the butt stuff.
(yawns)
Are you yawning?
(crescendos yawn into shout)
I'm just excited
for our night of drugs
and potentially
dangerous sex acts.
(sighs)
(quietly):
Yay.
(quietly):
Yay.
(both chuckle)
(gasps)
(groans)
(groans)
(gasps) Ooh, we should
let the divorce go through
and then get remarried.
That way, we get to have
another fat-ass party
where everyone has to buy us
more cool prizes off our list.
Still can't believe no one
bought us that doughnut maker.
Those cheapskates.
Can't believe I was disloyal.
To let myself be tempted.
And by the fruit
of another.
See, Paul, the great
thing about me
is that I'm incredibly good
at moving past things.
Poof. I forgive you.
No, I meant disloyal to Amy.
What?!
Oh, God.
I haven't even met her
and I've already cheated on her.
Cheated on her?
But I'm your wife.
You can't leave!
I love you.
Do you even know
what love means?
Yeah, it's like,
"Hey, I love you.
Smooch, smooch. Now go make me
some Bagel Bites."
(sighs) Love isn't about having
someone to get you things.
Love is putting someone else's
feelings above your own.
Do you think you
could ever do that?
Honestly?
Ew.
I didn't mean that.
Bi...tch.
Bi...tch.
Wake up, bitch!
(screams)
Why are you
yelling at me?!
What are you doing
in my house?
We had a lunch
meeting.
Just three dudes sitting alone
in Chin Chin like weirdos.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, I haven't
been... sleeping much.
Do I look like a Fitbit?
I don't give a shit
about your sleep.
What I give a shit about
is the unfathomable fact
that you, bitch,
do not respect my brand.
Our brand.
Whatever.
(sighs) I'm here, Sam.
What do you need?
I need you to act
like a human person
and pick up your goddamn phone
when I call your stank ass!
I'm sorry.
My cell gets terrible reception
now that I moved to Jimmy's.
You moved in
with Jimmy?
I need to talk to you later.
I'm thinking about locking
things down with Jaclyn.
Take this-- that's
your God phone.
You pick that shit up when
God wants to talk to you
or you wish to
talk to God.
(snickers)
Yo Mobile?
They sell these
at my dispensary.
Guys, I have a work number.
Uh-uh.
Sleepy bitches lose they right
to use normal people phones.
Sleepy bitches only get to use
phones made for hookers
and drug addicts and
irresponsible garbage people!
(door opens)
HONEY NUTZ:
Come on, let's go.
(door slams)
(keypad beeping)
(Crazy Frog hip-hop
ringtone plays)
What should we
do tonight?
(inhales)
I don't know.
I mean... we could just,
like, keep it chill.
(chuckles)
Like, have a low-key night.
Mellow and easy,
but still fun.
Yeah, the yacht rock
of nights.
I mean... sure.
I guess that
sounds okay to me.
(sighs)
How can I help you kids?
Uh, I moved
in with him,
and ever since then,
I've had reception issues,
so I just didn't know
what my options were, but...
Ah, the family plan.
Main Street.
Gingersnaps
at the kitchen table.
An armoire full of board games.
A funny cat video.
A "just checking in" text
exactly when you
need it the most.
The savings?
Well, heck, who doesn't
like to save a buck?
But a family plan
is about people.
People wanting to be part
of something bigger
in this world that feels...
well, too darn big some days,
if you ask me.
Every time you look at your
phone, you'll say to yourself,
"I'm part of something.
"I'm part of a family.
I'm part of a family plan."
How lame was that guy?
Ugh, the lamest.
(people laughing)
What's up?
Nothing. Just partying hard
like you guys.
Not exactly like us.
(scoffs)
Um, we're on our fifth
shot each.
Wow, alcohol.
Hard core.
(laughing)
Let it go.
For your information,
we did a ton of
(whispering):
cocaine last night.
That's cool... if you're
a day-trader in the '80s
or my dad's new wife Brenda.
(snickering)
Well, what do you
assholes have?
It's this new
synthetic thing.
Belgian.
They use it to chemically
sterilize horses.
Who cares?
Let's get more shots.
How much?
It's pretty intense.
We stole a DVD kiosk
last night.
How much?
40 a pill.
$40?!
Give him the cheddar.
Let me just give
you guys a few tips.
Do not listen to music.
Nothing is sucking
you towards it.
Thanks, rookie,
we'll be fine.
Okay.
Good luck.
"Do not listen
to music"?
(chuckles)
Shut up, you
little bitch.
I've been doing drugs
since I was nine.
Eat shit, haters.
(door alarm dinging)
(blinker clicking)
(gasps)
(door alarm continues dinging)
(doorbell rings)
(muffled sobbing)
(muffled sobbing continues)
Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?
All right.
I'm coming in.
(sobs)
At the end of the
day, he wanted me.
He just didn't
want me forever.
Lindsay, you know
the people you remember
from, like,
history books?
Not a one.
(chuckles)
Me neither, actually.
But those explorers
and adventurers in there
were the ones who saw
that snowy, unfriendly,
treacherous mountain pass
and said, "Challenge accepted."
You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?
And I think Paul
couldn't hack it.
And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.
And I hate museums.
Then get rid
of it all.
Come on.
(imitates airplane)
(imitates explosion)
We can't keep doing this.
This has got to stop.
But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.
Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people
even if we wore, like,
ten cardigans each.
But what if only people with
secret sweater people inside
fear becoming
sweater people?
Like how homophobes
secretly want
all the dicks
in their mouths.
Look, we're not against
sweater people.
We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.
We just choose
not to be them,
because they remind us
of encroaching death.
Okay?
Okay.
So... you're okay
if I just lie here
and read my book?
As long as it's okay I go
to sleep immediately
and get a refreshing
nine hours.
Deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.
So we'll just stick
to clear liquids?
Sounds good.
Two vodkas.
Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?
LINDSAY:
Mm.
Maybe he can use it
to track down
his new girlfriend's
tiny boobs.
(laughs)
Mean.
Hey, will you take out
this trash...
Thanks for helping
me tonight.
Do you want some
Bagel Bites?
I could eat.
(hip-hop music plays)
♪ Time to introduce
myself as B-Ill ♪
♪ The super chill ♪
♪ The kind lady daffodil ♪
♪ Dre from Brazil
making beats so versatile ♪
♪ I'm a magical jungle man,
my reality a hologram ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Is it inane or just insane? ♪
♪ My life is on the brain
with a grip up on the mic ♪
♪ Yeah, we doing it right ♪
♪ Original gangsters
from Cleveland unite ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster, gangster ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster,
gangster. ♪
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
Determination,
tenacity,
endurance...
may produce champions,
but legends
really come to life...
when they get hard.
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
What are Johnny's influences?
Bourbon, speed, cocaine.
The Clash, the Kinks,
the Ramones, the Replacements,
Del Fuegos.
Listerine Dimetapp,
Quackers Krell.
I don't even know
what those last two are.
[ Announcer ]
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
On FX.
You have to pick up Maya.
I have Frankie and Ella
at soccer until 3:00.
You know what?
I think you need
to make some time
to take care of us.
I don't have time.
All I have is 15 minutes
between Ella getting her
braces off and Maya's gym.
That's fine.
That's why we have
the minivan.
Ugh!
Captain's chairs.
Don't.
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
Only on FX.
Ugh!
[ Male Announcer ]
The Bastard Executioner.
Tuesdays at 10:00.
Starts September 15 on FX.
[ Dings ]
40 a pill.
$40?!
Give him the cheddar.
Let me just give
you guys a few tips.
Do not listen to music.
Nothing is sucking
you towards it.
Thanks, rookie,
we'll be fine.
Okay.
Good luck.
"Do not listen
to music"?
(chuckles)
Shut up, you
little bitch.
I've been doing drugs
since I was nine.
Eat shit, haters.
(door alarm dinging)
(blinker clicking)
(gasps)
(door alarm continues dinging)
(doorbell rings)
(muffled sobbing)
(muffled sobbing continues)
Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?
All right.
I'm coming in.
(sobs)
At the end of the
day, he wanted me.
He just didn't
want me forever.
Lindsay, you know
the people you remember
from, like,
history books?
Not a one.
(chuckles)
Me neither, actually.
But those explorers
and adventurers in there
were the ones who saw
that snowy, unfriendly,
treacherous mountain pass
and said, "Challenge accepted."
You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?
And I think Paul
couldn't hack it.
And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.
And I hate museums.
Then get rid
of it all.
Come on.
(imitates airplane)
(imitates explosion)
We can't keep doing this.
This has got to stop.
But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.
Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people
even if we wore, like,
ten cardigans each.
But what if only people with
secret sweater people inside
fear becoming
sweater people?
Like how homophobes
secretly want
all the dicks
in their mouths.
Look, we're not against
sweater people.
We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.
We just choose
not to be them,
because they remind us
of encroaching death.
Okay?
Okay.
So... you're okay
if I just lie here
and read my book?
As long as it's okay I go
to sleep immediately
and get a refreshing
nine hours.
Deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.
So we'll just stick
to clear liquids?
Sounds good.
Two vodkas.
Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?
LINDSAY:
Mm.
Maybe he can use it
to track down
his new girlfriend's
tiny boobs.
(laughs)
Mean.
Hey, will you take out
this trash...
Thanks for helping
me tonight.
Do you want some
Bagel Bites?
I could eat.
(hip-hop music plays)
♪ Time to introduce
myself as B-Ill ♪
♪ The super chill ♪
♪ The kind lady daffodil ♪
♪ Dre from Brazil
making beats so versatile ♪
♪ I'm a magical jungle man,
my reality a hologram ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Is it inane or just insane? ♪
♪ My life is on the brain
with a grip up on the mic ♪
♪ Yeah, we doing it right ♪
♪ Original gangsters
from Cleveland unite ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster, gangster ♪
♪ It is har
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(loud dance music playing)
EDGAR:
Hey, guys?
(music continues playing on TV)
One, two, three, go!
Ah!
Head wigglies!
Guys...
I win!
Head wigglies?
Head wigglies.
When you drink something cold
too fast
and your head gets all wiggly.
You Brits have baby talk
for everything.
EDGAR: Guys...
Telly, lorry, willy,
nappy, bobby!
Guys.
Well, you have very silly things
in your vocabulary as well.
Like what?
"American exceptionalism."
Nice.
Former colony burn.
(mutes TV)
Guys!
What is it?!
Excuse me!
You are being exceedingly rude.
Can't you see
that we're in
the middle of something?
This is the fifth night
in a row.
Can you pack it in
for the night?
No can do,
Hoss.
Jimmy's never seen
House Party.
Really?
Yeah.
Somehow the House Party series
wasn't popular
in my scorchingly racist,
industrial lead-mining
neighborhood.
He thinks Play's the villain.
Ah, no, actually,
I have updated
my archetypal dramatis personae
since act one.
Play is the Sage.
Mm.
Kid is the Seeker,
Stab is the Villain
and Martin Lawrence is the Fool.
I have to be at work
really early.
Are you talking
about making me breakfast?
'Cause I wouldn't call
10:00 a.m. "really early."
I work at the gym.
Oh, no, Edgar,
we call it
"working out" at the gym.
Do you really
have a job?
Yes! I wipe down machines
and I monitor the men's showers
for roughhousing.
Do you know what?
I haven't been
taking into account
what an adjustment
it must be for you,
having Gretchen living here now.
We should all learn
to compromise.
Thank you.
So let's put it to a house vote.
On the floor is the question:
Should we have a curfew
on weeknights?
Those in favor?
Those in opposition?
Ah.
The cold,
egalitarian hand
of Lady Democracy
has triumphed
once again.
God save the Queen.
God save the Queen.
(TV resumes playing)
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
Here we go.
Breakfast
lasagna.
No thanks.
Not hungry.
But you guys are always hungry.
Too hungover.
Also, we ate at,
like, what,
5:00 a.m.?
Mm.
I made Bagel Bites.
Well, since I made
all this lasagna,
maybe we should
have Lindsay over.
She loves a breakfast lasagna.
(laughs)
Dogs don't eat nachos.
EDGAR: Plus, we're all
so worried
about how she's doing
with the whole
Paul breakup.
GRETCHEN:
She's fine.
I'm seeing her later.
Okay,
well, then,
uh, give her my love.
Well, not like "my love,"
just like, "S'up?
Hang in there, kid."
You know. Something chill
and friendly-like.
(phone pings, Gretchen grunts)
My Uber driver called,
like, six times
and it didn't even ring!
Salvatore!
Salvatore?!
Is he out there?
No.
But the Zoiddle car
just drove past
with all its stupid cameras.
Shoot!
I should have flashed him.
I hate the Zoiddle car.
Why?
It's a violation.
Putting my house on the Internet
for any of
my obsessive fans to see.
(phone beeps)
GRETCHEN:
Hello? Can you hear me?
What's the address here?
You don't know the address?
No.
You live here.
Who knows their address?
People.
Kidnapped children.
This dog I saw on Dateline
who rides the bus to the park.
6969 69th Street.
6969... (chuckles)
(phone beeps)
Hello?
Damn it!
Not again.
EDGAR:
You should just get
on Jimmy's plan.
He gets great reception
and a family plan
will probably be cheaper
for both of you anyway.
Ew! Ugh!
Gross.
Why don't you get
on a family plan?
Well, I don't have a family.
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
Well, you sure you don't want
to take some for the road?
Seriously, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
I'm telling you, Gretch,
I'm great.
Living alone is way fun.
I'm naked all the time,
ass-ing everything.
100%, 24/7 sprawling.
Oh, I love
sprawling.
Sprawling is the best.
Sure, Paul messed up
the natural order of things:
hot awesome sex foxes are
supposed to leave rich nerds,
not the other way around.
But it's okay.
Paul was just too reserved
to be compatible
with someone like me
who just wants to truly live.
And sprawl.
And sprawl, Gretch.
Gotta sprawl.
So you haven't seen him?
He's been busy
planning his new future
with the chat room girl.
Beer cooze?
Beer cooze.
Actually, he's coming
by later to drop off his keys.
You want me
to be there?
Give him some of my
shitty death stares?
Ooh!
But it's okay.
I'm in a good place about it.
Are you sure?
'Cause I can...
(stomach gurgles)
Oh, God.
I'm fine.
It passed.
You look terrible.
Ever since I've been at Jimmy's,
we've been partying nonstop.
If I don't get a night off soon,
I think my liver is gonna
slide out of my body, you know?
No, Gretch.
I don't know.
What?
You can't stop.
But I'm tired.
Were you born yesterday?
Did you slither
out of your mother's cooch
yesterday, Gretchen?
Are you a little
born-yesterday diaperface?
Why are you being
so mean to me?
(baby talk):
"Yesterday I was safe
in my mommy's tummy
"and then I got borned
and the world is so cold
and hard. Wah!"
I just want to drink tea
and read a book and be cozy.
You shut the hell up!
Lindser!
In the early days,
Paul and I used
to have actual fun.
Then, pretty soon,
it was laptops in bed,
lights out at 10:00
and next thing you knew,
I was calling him "the hubs"
and he could only finish
in my hand.
What?
There comes a day
when every relationship
turns gross, old
and boring.
Like Ben Affleck
and Jennifer "Gardener."
Don't puss out
this early.
Keep it awesome
for as long as you can.
(gasps)
I know.
Do butt stuff tonight!
But I don't want to do
butt stuff tonight.
Ow!
You go home tonight
and you dress up
real slutty,
and you do butt stuff
with your boyfriend.
For all of us
who let love die
by becoming ordinary.
Do it for
the sweater people, Gretch.
The sweater people.
Wait.
You wear sweaters all the time.
It's a metaphor.
♪ ♪
Hey. Hey.
(gasps)
I got your emergency text.
Oh, God, that was touch
and go there for a second.
Ah! Head wigglies.
You and Gretchen
should really take it easy.
Absolutely not.
I'm having a blast!
I mean, yeah,
I'm peeing blood
and I briefly forgot
the word for telephone,
but just because
we're co-habitating
does not mean that we're gonna
become disgusting normals.
If you don't get some sleep,
you're gonna die.
I died when I was with Becca.
That's when I died.
With Gretchen,
I'm determined to live.
While I'm here...
a friend of mine has a problem.
Is it you?
No, my friend Gabriel,
from work.
You don't have friends.
Is it you?
Anyway, Gabriel likes this girl
who's going through
some life transitions.
Edgar, you're obviously talking
about you and Lindsay.
How did you know?
Well, you've been screaming
her name out in your sleep.
Usually it's things like,
"Get to the chopper!"
or "Where's Rodriguez?"
or "I didn't know
it was a school!"
(softly):
I didn't know it was a school.
The point is,
if this is about
you and Lindsay,
there is no you and Lindsay.
There's never
gonna be.
Never mind.
Can I go back to work now?
You have a job?
Hello, Lindsay.
Paul, you don't have
to be nervous.
I'm fine.
Really?
Okay. Good.
Guess I don't need
this pepper spray.
Here's your mail.
Thank you, madame.
(laughs)
Actually, I brought
a few things for you to sign.
What is it?
Just busywork.
Like this one removes you
from my video store account.
This one,
my hummus of the month club.
This takes you
off the membership
for the Museum
of Prehistoric Metallurgy,
but I bought you your own
individual membership
so there'd be no gap
for you there.
(clears throat)
So, how's beer coo...
Amy?
Good.
I'm actually flying
to Boulder tomorrow
to meet Amy "I.R.L." for
the first time, in real life.
That's great.
Yeah.
That's really great.
You're gonna do a makeover
before you go, right?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I just figured
before you met your soul mate
you would want to make sure
you were looking your best.
What?
Has your hair
always been so round?
You're right,
she's gonna hate me.
I look like a young Roger Ebert.
Come upstairs.
I'll help you pick out
a couple outfits.
Really?
After all,
you got me my
own membership
to the place with
the old stuff.
Thanks, Lindsay.
This is really mature of you.
(panting):
Almost...
almost...
I'm ready!
Okay.
(moans)
Tighter!
Oh, come on, bear.
Oh...
Oh, sweet hand.
That's right, Paulywog.
It's happening, it's happening.
Oh...
(yowling)
(roars)
(gasps)
What the hell am I doing?
(door opens)
(Jimmy clears throat)
Hey.
Hey, yourself, Hunk-face.
What are you wearing?
Just a little something
fun and flirty.
You like?
Yeah, I bet you do.
I thought we could do
butt stuff tonight.
Fantastic!
Yeah, for sure.
We don't have to
if you don't want to.
I mean, I could be fine just...
Pfft.
Of course I want
to do butt stuff.
In fact,
I am so up for
having another crazy night,
I have prepared as well.
(laughing):
Oh, look!
You got a whole mess of cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
'Cause you love cocaine, right?
Yes, I do!
(laughs)
It's my shit.
Cool.
Let's add cocaine
to the butt stuff.
(yawns)
Are you yawning?
(crescendos yawn into shout)
I'm just excited
for our night of drugs
and potentially
dangerous sex acts.
(sighs)
(quietly):
Yay.
(quietly):
Yay.
(both chuckle)
(gasps)
(groans)
(groans)
(gasps) Ooh, we should
let the divorce go through
and then get remarried.
That way, we get to have
another fat-ass party
where everyone has to buy us
more cool prizes off our list.
Still can't believe no one
bought us that doughnut maker.
Those cheapskates.
Can't believe I was disloyal.
To let myself be tempted.
And by the fruit
of another.
See, Paul, the great
thing about me
is that I'm incredibly good
at moving past things.
Poof. I forgive you.
No, I meant disloyal to Amy.
What?!
Oh, God.
I haven't even met her
and I've already cheated on her.
Cheated on her?
But I'm your wife.
You can't leave!
I love you.
Do you even know
what love means?
Yeah, it's like,
"Hey, I love you.
Smooch, smooch. Now go make me
some Bagel Bites."
(sighs) Love isn't about having
someone to get you things.
Love is putting someone else's
feelings above your own.
Do you think you
could ever do that?
Honestly?
Ew.
I didn't mean that.
Bi...tch.
Bi...tch.
Wake up, bitch!
(screams)
Why are you
yelling at me?!
What are you doing
in my house?
We had a lunch
meeting.
Just three dudes sitting alone
in Chin Chin like weirdos.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, I haven't
been... sleeping much.
Do I look like a Fitbit?
I don't give a shit
about your sleep.
What I give a shit about
is the unfathomable fact
that you, bitch,
do not respect my brand.
Our brand.
Whatever.
(sighs) I'm here, Sam.
What do you need?
I need you to act
like a human person
and pick up your goddamn phone
when I call your stank ass!
I'm sorry.
My cell gets terrible reception
now that I moved to Jimmy's.
You moved in
with Jimmy?
I need to talk to you later.
I'm thinking about locking
things down with Jaclyn.
Take this-- that's
your God phone.
You pick that shit up when
God wants to talk to you
or you wish to
talk to God.
(snickers)
Yo Mobile?
They sell these
at my dispensary.
Guys, I have a work number.
Uh-uh.
Sleepy bitches lose they right
to use normal people phones.
Sleepy bitches only get to use
phones made for hookers
and drug addicts and
irresponsible garbage people!
(door opens)
HONEY NUTZ:
Come on, let's go.
(door slams)
(keypad beeping)
(Crazy Frog hip-hop
ringtone plays)
What should we
do tonight?
(inhales)
I don't know.
I mean... we could just,
like, keep it chill.
(chuckles)
Like, have a low-key night.
Mellow and easy,
but still fun.
Yeah, the yacht rock
of nights.
I mean... sure.
I guess that
sounds okay to me.
(sighs)
How can I help you kids?
Uh, I moved
in with him,
and ever since then,
I've had reception issues,
so I just didn't know
what my options were, but...
Ah, the family plan.
Main Street.
Gingersnaps
at the kitchen table.
An armoire full of board games.
A funny cat video.
A "just checking in" text
exactly when you
need it the most.
The savings?
Well, heck, who doesn't
like to save a buck?
But a family plan
is about people.
People wanting to be part
of something bigger
in this world that feels...
well, too darn big some days,
if you ask me.
Every time you look at your
phone, you'll say to yourself,
"I'm part of something.
"I'm part of a family.
I'm part of a family plan."
How lame was that guy?
Ugh, the lamest.
(people laughing)
What's up?
Nothing. Just partying hard
like you guys.
Not exactly like us.
(scoffs)
Um, we're on our fifth
shot each.
Wow, alcohol.
Hard core.
(laughing)
Let it go.
For your information,
we did a ton of
(whispering):
cocaine last night.
That's cool... if you're
a day-trader in the '80s
or my dad's new wife Brenda.
(snickering)
Well, what do you
assholes have?
It's this new
synthetic thing.
Belgian.
They use it to chemically
sterilize horses.
Who cares?
Let's get more shots.
How much?
It's pretty intense.
We stole a DVD kiosk
last night.
How much?
40 a pill.
$40?!
Give him the cheddar.
Let me just give
you guys a few tips.
Do not listen to music.
Nothing is sucking
you towards it.
Thanks, rookie,
we'll be fine.
Okay.
Good luck.
"Do not listen
to music"?
(chuckles)
Shut up, you
little bitch.
I've been doing drugs
since I was nine.
Eat shit, haters.
(door alarm dinging)
(blinker clicking)
(gasps)
(door alarm continues dinging)
(doorbell rings)
(muffled sobbing)
(muffled sobbing continues)
Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?
All right.
I'm coming in.
(sobs)
At the end of the
day, he wanted me.
He just didn't
want me forever.
Lindsay, you know
the people you remember
from, like,
history books?
Not a one.
(chuckles)
Me neither, actually.
But those explorers
and adventurers in there
were the ones who saw
that snowy, unfriendly,
treacherous mountain pass
and said, "Challenge accepted."
You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?
And I think Paul
couldn't hack it.
And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.
And I hate museums.
Then get rid
of it all.
Come on.
(imitates airplane)
(imitates explosion)
We can't keep doing this.
This has got to stop.
But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.
Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people
even if we wore, like,
ten cardigans each.
But what if only people with
secret sweater people inside
fear becoming
sweater people?
Like how homophobes
secretly want
all the dicks
in their mouths.
Look, we're not against
sweater people.
We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.
We just choose
not to be them,
because they remind us
of encroaching death.
Okay?
Okay.
So... you're okay
if I just lie here
and read my book?
As long as it's okay I go
to sleep immediately
and get a refreshing
nine hours.
Deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.
So we'll just stick
to clear liquids?
Sounds good.
Two vodkas.
Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?
LINDSAY:
Mm.
Maybe he can use it
to track down
his new girlfriend's
tiny boobs.
(laughs)
Mean.
Hey, will you take out
this trash...
Thanks for helping
me tonight.
Do you want some
Bagel Bites?
I could eat.
(hip-hop music plays)
♪ Time to introduce
myself as B-Ill ♪
♪ The super chill ♪
♪ The kind lady daffodil ♪
♪ Dre from Brazil
making beats so versatile ♪
♪ I'm a magical jungle man,
my reality a hologram ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Is it inane or just insane? ♪
♪ My life is on the brain
with a grip up on the mic ♪
♪ Yeah, we doing it right ♪
♪ Original gangsters
from Cleveland unite ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster, gangster ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster,
gangster. ♪
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
Determination,
tenacity,
endurance...
may produce champions,
but legends
really come to life...
when they get hard.
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
What are Johnny's influences?
Bourbon, speed, cocaine.
The Clash, the Kinks,
the Ramones, the Replacements,
Del Fuegos.
Listerine Dimetapp,
Quackers Krell.
I don't even know
what those last two are.
[ Announcer ]
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
On FX.
You have to pick up Maya.
I have Frankie and Ella
at soccer until 3:00.
You know what?
I think you need
to make some time
to take care of us.
I don't have time.
All I have is 15 minutes
between Ella getting her
braces off and Maya's gym.
That's fine.
That's why we have
the minivan.
Ugh!
Captain's chairs.
Don't.
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
Only on FX.
Ugh!
[ Male Announcer ]
The Bastard Executioner.
Tuesdays at 10:00.
Starts September 15 on FX.
[ Dings ]
40 a pill.
$40?!
Give him the cheddar.
Let me just give
you guys a few tips.
Do not listen to music.
Nothing is sucking
you towards it.
Thanks, rookie,
we'll be fine.
Okay.
Good luck.
"Do not listen
to music"?
(chuckles)
Shut up, you
little bitch.
I've been doing drugs
since I was nine.
Eat shit, haters.
(door alarm dinging)
(blinker clicking)
(gasps)
(door alarm continues dinging)
(doorbell rings)
(muffled sobbing)
(muffled sobbing continues)
Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?
All right.
I'm coming in.
(sobs)
At the end of the
day, he wanted me.
He just didn't
want me forever.
Lindsay, you know
the people you remember
from, like,
history books?
Not a one.
(chuckles)
Me neither, actually.
But those explorers
and adventurers in there
were the ones who saw
that snowy, unfriendly,
treacherous mountain pass
and said, "Challenge accepted."
You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?
And I think Paul
couldn't hack it.
And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.
And I hate museums.
Then get rid
of it all.
Come on.
(imitates airplane)
(imitates explosion)
We can't keep doing this.
This has got to stop.
But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.
Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people
even if we wore, like,
ten cardigans each.
But what if only people with
secret sweater people inside
fear becoming
sweater people?
Like how homophobes
secretly want
all the dicks
in their mouths.
Look, we're not against
sweater people.
We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.
We just choose
not to be them,
because they remind us
of encroaching death.
Okay?
Okay.
So... you're okay
if I just lie here
and read my book?
As long as it's okay I go
to sleep immediately
and get a refreshing
nine hours.
Deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.
So we'll just stick
to clear liquids?
Sounds good.
Two vodkas.
Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?
LINDSAY:
Mm.
Maybe he can use it
to track down
his new girlfriend's
tiny boobs.
(laughs)
Mean.
Hey, will you take out
this trash...
Thanks for helping
me tonight.
Do you want some
Bagel Bites?
I could eat.
(hip-hop music plays)
♪ Time to introduce
myself as B-Ill ♪
♪ The super chill ♪
♪ The kind lady daffodil ♪
♪ Dre from Brazil
making beats so versatile ♪
♪ I'm a magical jungle man,
my reality a hologram ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Is it inane or just insane? ♪
♪ My life is on the brain
with a grip up on the mic ♪
♪ Yeah, we doing it right ♪
♪ Original gangsters
from Cleveland unite ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ To be a gangster ♪
♪ With basket on your bike ♪
♪ It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster ♪
♪ Gangster, gangster, gangster ♪
♪ It is har