You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Heart Is a Dumb Dumb - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(gasps)
No.

(laughing)

(grunts)

Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season.
(groans)

Premieres Wednesday,
January 6 on FXX.

FXX presents You're the Worst.

[ Man Laughs ]

So you kissed,
and then what happened?

Then she showed me
her bronze medal.

She did? Why?

Because she was
understandably proud of it.

She... she was proud
of her bronze medal?

It's quite beautiful, close up.

What?

Why would a person

just show someone
their butthole?

What? No!

A real bronze medal.

Oh!
Why would you think

I meant a butthole?

Well, you said "bronze medal."

I mean,
it is the third best hole.

Brownish.
(laughs)

So, you're feeling, um...

Human.

A little human.
Huh.

So, next time you feel,

you know, "it" coming on,
maybe you

should try switching your meds?
Meds?

You're not on anti-depressants?

Shit, no. I don't want
to lose my edge.

What?

So you're-you're telling me

you could have just taken a pill

this whole time and you didn't?

Nope.

Wow!

Well...

Wow!

We just proved
I don't need medication.

(door opens, closes)
You actually can fix me!

My bad.

(Lindsay gasps)

You're upright!

Why do you have two burgers?

One's for my baby.

New Tinder rando?

No, the baby in my pussy.

Bye.
Jesus Christ, Lindser!

Are you serious?

That microwave thing
actually worked?

Guess so. I just heated it up
like a baked potato.

So, you and me, abobo
and then Marie Callender's?

Sure. You know what's funny?

Two weeks ago,

I would have trapped Paul

and torpedoed
his gross relationship

with Crunchy Princess Limp Hair.

But I think
I've matured.

Amy was right.

I had a perfect man
and I let him go.

Linds, you never liked Paul.

You only referred to him
as dork,

Lumpy Hubby, Paul Nye
the Science Homo...

Do you think he's going to be
at Becca's baby shower later?

You going to tell him?

No.

I'm moving on.

So, who's this basic ho

Jimmy hooked up with?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Huh.
If I were you,

I would totally want to see

what brand of slizz
I was up against.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(indistinct chatter)

(cheers)

Oh!

♪ ♪

(laughter)

Uh-uh-uh.

You are not serving your
stale, mail-order popcorn.

Babe, people love fancy popcorn,
it's a proven fact.

All right. As long as there's
no trash juice this time.

'Course not. I promised.

All right.

Becca, you dummy.

There's Jimmy's car.

You'll feel better

after you tell him.

You know, maybe-maybe
I'll still drive over

every morning
to cook him breakfast

until he eventually
discovers I've moved out,

and by then, he'll see

it won't have to change
anything between us.

Things need to change
between you, Edgar.

You're always saying that.

Well, I always say I didn't
know it was a school, too.

Look, I want you to feel proud

that you're going to be
living with me.

You're right.

I'll tell him.

Thank you.

Wait, about that school...

Oh, kidding.

I totally
didn't know.

You're goddamn pregnant?

I'm not keeping it.

Well, I should hope not.

And I'm gonna be a good sister.

I'm not drinking.

I'm gonna make sure
everyone knows

this is your day.

I even brought lemons this time,
like you asked.

Uh...

Please don't tell Paul.

Of course not.

What a disaster.

I can have one.

The popcorn
is trash juice.

Pass it on.

I need to tell you something.

Gretchen has never taken meds!

Really? After all that?

Exactly.

And then she said
she doesn't ever need to now,

because she has me to fix her.

Between her,
you, Killian,

I have to be the
emotional bedrock for everyone.

When's it my turn
to be taken care of?

You know what?

Today.

Today's my turn.

I'm going to get
absolutely snozzelled.

EDGAR:
Well, this is leading
towards something

dangerously misguided.

We'll see how she likes
taking care of me for a change.

You probably don't want to get
to "Level Two Jimmy drunk"

around all these people.

Or maybe I do.

(sighs)

(talking quietly)

NINA:
It's on the house...

Gretchen.

For what it's worth, Jimmy
and I aren't talking right now.

You know nothing
really happened.

Eh, we had problems already.

I'm sorry anyway.

Relationships are tough.

He's just such a child!

The other day,

he bought an $80 toy helicopter

which he broke immediately.

Do you know what he talked to me
about for an hour straight?

Tree houses?
Yes!

A full hour!

Yeah, you got off easy.

(laughs)

Let's grab a table.

You're articulate,
brilliant, courageous,

dexterous,
enthralling, foxy...

G... galvanizing.

Oh, I love it!

You're articulate,
brilliant, courageous,

dexterous, enthralling,
foxy, galvanizing...

and... horny.

Amy!
(giggles)

I have to go
to the little girls' room.

Save my seat?

Always.

Whew!

Mm.

Just know I'm not really mad
at you for ditching Lindsay.

I mean, you...

you dodged
a bullet with that.

And by bullet,

I mean... it's way smaller
than a bullet right now,

but probably
just as dumb.

Unless it got
your genes.

What?

Oh, dang it.

I guess you figured it out.

My sister
impregnated herself

by heating a condom

full of your sperm
in a microwave.

You know, that's
scientifically impossible

in ten different ways.

Of course.

That's my point.

Knowing her,
she probably seduced

the drive-thru guy
at Del Taco

and is just
saying it's yours.

Well, yes.

There's literally
no way we...

Wait.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Mm!

I can have one.

(laughs)

♪ ♪

Mmm.

Fruity.

I seriously thought
I was going crazy,

I was texting and texting,

and then I saw him
lying in the bushes.

One time, Jimmy spilled
a bowl of cereal

when Edgar wasn't home,
so he hid under his bed

for two hours,
until I finally cleaned it up.

And you date him.

Willingly.

The heart is
a dumb dumb.

The dumbest dumb
of them all.

You're so pretty.
(laughs)

I can see why Jimmy almost
went to the cabin with you.

There's something
so captivating about you.

What is it?

Uh... I don't know.

(laughs)

How can you be
athletic and funny?

Gotta find out.

What are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

I'm not scared, if that's
what you're worried about.

Get out of my bar!

Come on,
just kiss me.

You kissed
my boyfriend.

Kiss me!

Kiss me!

You kiss me, girl!

Kiss me!
Stop!

What is wrong with you guys?

I am a real person!
Are you?

You're a skier
who owns a bar.

You don't think
that sounds

just a little bit
like some male fantasy?

Come on,
just kiss my mouth.

Kiss it!
This might
be a mistake,

'cause you could have
crazy-person strength,
Ow.

but if you don't get
the hell out of my bar,
Ow.

I'm going to have
to kick your ass.

God, that was so hot.

Can you believe
the sexual tension between us?

(stomach gurgles)

(doorknob rattles)

It's occupied.

Occupied!

Vernon, what the heck?

I'm using the toilet!

I need cash.
My cards are maxed.

I wrote a bum check

for my latest
malpractice insurance.

Man, I better not mess up
any surgeries!

I just gave you $15,000.

You're the one who gave money
to a money pig.

That's on you.

This isn't a good time.

I just received
some highly enervating news

that has my bowels in a state.

You don't know enervating, Paul!

Come talk to me about enervating

when you got
a goddamn baby on the way

that's gonna cost
at least a half millie

in its stupid life.

Just give me that money,
turkey-dick!

You shut the hell up,

Vernon!
Goddamn it.

Get the hell out of
this bathroom
Where is it?!

or I will destroy you and
everything that you love!

I will smother you in your
sleep, so help me God!
Ow.

I hate you!
Give me that money, nerd!

Get out, get out, get out!

Ah! Stop it!

Get out!
God!

You are such an asshole.
Get out!

I wish you were dead!

(loud farting sounds, splashing)

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

Where's Gretchen?

Jimmy, I'm moving out.

I'm so sorry,
but the time has come

for me to strike out
on my own, and I...

Ooh, you have to get a place
with a pool. Or a gym.

Ac-Actually,
we already have a place.

We?

Me and Dorothy.
What?

You've only known her
for about an hour, man.

Who else do you know who moved
in with someone way too soon?

Hmm?

Me!

I got saddled with a lemon.

Guess what I spent

all afternoon doing Wednesday?

I sat in a pillow fort

while she wept.

So boring.

Wait, Wednesday?

That's why you missed my show?

And no one can see
you have a lemon.

You pull up to the valet

and people are like,
"Ooh, nice car,"

but they can't see all the work
it needs on the interior.

And then...

you find out there was
a factory recall

and that they could've
fixed it themselves?

Oh, no.

Level Two Jimmy drunk:

Angry Jimmy.

Okay, just slow down

before you get yourself
to Level Three.

Whose idea was this?

Mine.

And when did you have it?

When she took me to go see an
apartment that she couldn't...

quite afford on her own.

♪ Play your favorite song ♪

♪ Get your arm ready ♪
(gasps)

♪ Take two deep breaths... ♪

You're scaring me.

Have you seen the
rest of the house?

Yikes.

It is literally
the exact opposite

of how we should
decorate our place.

There's a framed poster
of G. Love & Special Sauce.

I shit you not.

I can't move in with you.

What? Why?

Turns out, Jimmy missed the show
for a really good reason,

and-and-and I...
I just got angry,

and I made this rash
decision, and...

Okay, honey, listen to me.

This is your chance to
start your life over.

With me.

You're ready.

No, but I'm not ready
for what you want from me.

You tell me that I am,
but I'm not.

Maybe in a few years.

(laughs)

I don't have a few years.

I spent four years too goddamn
long in that comedy house

'cause I thought we
were going somewhere.

I don't have any
more time to waste.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe this.

Goddamn you, Edgar.

Okay, uh, everyone, hello.

Hi, everybody,
gather round, please.

Well, the moment
of truth has arrived.

In just a minute, we are gonna
be cutting into that cake,

and depending
on its color,

finding out
if we're gonna raising

a-a precious little baby girl
or a macho boy.

(laughing):
Isn't that fun?

We want to...
Hello.

Sorry.

I'd just like
to say a few words.

Okay, now is not
really the time.

It's cool, Bec--
It's all love.

Oh, my God, Level Three.

JIMMY:
No, it's not, Becca.

Happy Jimmy.

Becca, y-you...
are so special.

No, I'm serious.

You take in
my words.

You accept
how special you are.

You are a treasure.

BECCA: Okay.
(chuckles uncomfortably)
JIMMY: Come here.

Come here,
I'm gonna hug on you.
Okay.

(sighs)
(partygoers gasp)

Look at this woman--

she's like a lioness
on the savannah,
(chuckles)

just preparing to expel her...

It must have been
my pre-ejaculate.

Goddamn, Becca.

Since we broke up, I
started life-logging.

I record everything.

My conversations, bowel
movements, fitness.

My life in searchable data.

And according to my records,

we did have unprotected vaginal
intercourse for 37 seconds

before I donned a sheath.

Though the odds of conception
from pre-ejaculate are narrow,

as you know, I do have
a heavy seminal load

of high viscosity and opacity.

Oh, what happened to your face?

Amy was signing so fast
with her left hand,

I didn't see the
right hook coming.

She hit you?
And more.

Why?
'Cause I broke up with her.

Do you remember when I told
you the definition of love

was putting someone else's
needs above your own,

and you said, "Ew"?

Ew.

I mean, yes.

Tonight, you put me first

when you decided not to
trap me with your pregnancy.

I quit on you.

I was a hypocrite.

So, Lindsay...

let's have baby.

I don't know, Paul.

I was really unhappy.

(Jimmy continues
his speech indistinctly)

Think about it, okay?

It's just so sad, you know?

Level Four.

I've only heard about this.

Edgar.

My confidant.

A Grumio to my Petruchio.

The sweetest man
I've ever known.

It's so beautiful that you
and Dorothy found each other.

But I just... I just
broke up with her.

(sighs)
Why'd you do that?

You told me to.

But Dorothy's amazing.

You said she
manipulated me.

So what?

Go!

Hey, I know it's cliché,

but, really, what-what
if there were no possessions?

Can you imagine that?

Uh, do you guys know
my girlfriend, Gretchen?

She's supposed
to be here.

She got sad
for a long time.

That was hard.

I'm used to being
the complicated one.

Like, with-with Becca.

Becca's, uh, like
a Monday crossword.

Gretchen...

(spits scoffingly)
Sunday.

Takes-takes all day,

but it's rewarding
as hell.

Gretchen!

You had a little too much
to drink, didn't you, buddy?

(microphone feedback echoes)

Gretchen, what the hell
am I doing up here?

Aw, I know.

Y-You... have to help me,

'cause my turn.

It is, Jimmy.

(laughing): Okay, oh,
I'm so sorry, everybody.

Vernon.

My father was
a petty man.

Demeaning.

Stingy.

I think that's why I'm
so scared to be a father.

Vernon, put down
that mic right now.

No, I have been
silent too long!

I became a doctor...

because I was born dead,

but do you guys
have any idea...

You never came.

I tried to kiss Nina, and
she kicked me out of her bar.

What?

But you're so hot.

I'm so hot.

Did you wear
your booby shirt?

Of course I wore
my booby shirt.

Anyway, I can see what
you like about her.

She's hella foxy.

She a'ight.

Ooh.

VERNON: I have a
problem, you guys.

I gave control of my finances
to a woman I don't know.

There's nothing
sexual about it.

Fine, I jack off
to it sometimes,

but that's not
what it's about.

(shouts)
(microphone feedback echoes)

I regret being born dead,

and I regret not being ready
to be a father,

and I regret going
to see The Babadook.

It was so scary, you guys.

But mostly I regret
hurting my wife.

I regret, but I am not
ashamed anymore.

I am not ashamed.

But I reiterate--

do not see The Babadook.

Whatever you do!

(microphone feedback echoes)
(shouts)

♪ ♪

♪ Look at this face ♪

♪ I know the years
are showing ♪

♪ Look at this life ♪

♪ I still don't know
where it's going ♪

♪ I don't know much ♪

♪ But I know I love you ♪

(scoffs)
♪ And that may be ♪

♪ All I need to know ♪

♪ Look at these eyes ♪

♪ They've never seen
what mattered ♪

♪ Look at these dreams ♪

♪ So beat and...
and so battered ♪

♪ I don't know much ♪

BOTH:
♪ But I know I love you ♪

♪ And that may be ♪

♪ All I need to know ♪

♪ So many questions ♪

♪ Still left unanswered ♪

♪ So much I've never
broken through ♪

LINDSAY (faintly): ♪ And when I
feel you near me... ♪

Listen, no, I'm not
ready to live with you,

but does that mean
we have to break up?

Because when two people
connect like I think we do,

I refuse to believe
that things have to just end.

That's madness.

I-I refuse to believe
that life has to be like that.

I simply refuse.

Life has to make
more sense than that.

Dude, we just got
in a little fight.

And now I'm taking the bus home
to show you how mad I am.

You're supposed
to come after me.
Oh.

You thought we broke up?

People don't behave
like that, dummy.

(chuckles)

Want to go get some food,

help me figure out how
to get my deposit back?

Yes. Yes, I do.

BOTH:
♪ I don't know much ♪

♪ But I know I love you ♪

♪ That may be ♪

♪ All I need to know ♪

How much money?

So much.

Mmm.

♪ And that may be ♪

♪ All there is ♪

♪ To know... ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa, ah-ah. ♪

(groans)

Good?

Yeah.

♪ Even though it's gray today ♪

♪ I can feel you ♪

♪ Near... me... dear... ♪

I got a new hobby.

What is it?

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Then we both arrive ♪

♪ At the same time ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Then we're both alive ♪

♪ At the same time ♪

♪ Again. ♪

(groans)

I'm gonna talk
to someone about it.

A doctor someone.

Maybe see about some medication.

It's always been
just me, you know?

Now it's not anymore.

Thank you.

You know,

after I cleaned the fries off
your face and put you to bed,

you said something to me
that was pretty dark.

(groans)
Don't tell me.

Okay, I won't.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

♪ This is all I ever need ♪

♪ The air is all
I want to breathe ♪

♪ You're my air... ♪

♪ You're my air. ♪

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

(engines idling)

Well, back on the clock.

Yeah, okay.

Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.

Hey, you must be
the new neighbors.

-Okay.
-This January--

Top of the mornin',
you filthy lads.

-the all new season--
-Oh!

This whole thing's gonna be
a fiasco, and I'm gonna enjoy
every second of it.

No, it's gonna go fine.
No, it isn't.

Sunny. Premieres
Wednesday, January 6.

Only on FXX.

(chattering)

-MAN:
Hey, lock up your daughters.
-Ugh.

(cork pops)

And that was the last time
I ate Indian food before a date.

(all groaning)

What do I do-do?
Currently I am...

-a temp.
-(screaming)

And you must be
from Tennessee

-because you're
the only "10 I see."
-(screams)

ANNOUNCER:
Man Seeking Woman.

An all new season,
Wednesday, January 6.

-(screaming)
-On FXX.

I'll have
the number 57.

-That's the price.
-In that case, I'll have
the number four.

A carrot.

Yes, the carrot,
please.

(clinks on plate)

MAN:
Don't feel sorry for me.

I've had a great life.

(voice whispering)
Thanks for making
my life special.

Peace and love.