You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - A Right Proper Story - full transcript

Jimmy's trashy family comes to visit from England, much to Jimmy and Gretchen's dismay. Lindsay finds herself with a job for the day. Edgar bonds with Jimmy's little sister.

Hey, hey.

Just a fun thought.

If it doesn't sound,
like, too out there,

and if you can get over
your fear of hurting me,

do you think it'd be weird
if I asked you to slap me?

Ow!

Jesus Christ!

(chuckling):
What? You asked me to.

Ow!

Ow!

(both grunting)

What in God's name...?

"Flight itinerary:
Heathrow to L.A.X."

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This cannot be happening.

Why would my family
be flying here?

They can't do that.

So tell 'em to suck your dick.

Well, I can't tell them
to suck my dick, Gretchen,

because they're
already in the air!

They arrive in
the morning.

For four days?!

Why the hell are they...?

Gretchen, the, uh, the-the...
the letters that I gave you,

you-you didn't...?

Yeah, I mailed them
like you asked.

No!

Why would you
do that?!

They were just threats,

so if I didn't hit
the page count,

- you were to mail the letters!
- I don't get it.

Oh, my God,
and the love letter to Becca.

And there was
a third one.

What was it?

Oh, yeah, it was bad.
I remember that.

I'm already regretting
not slapping you harder.

I cannot have these lunatics
in my house.

Gretch, you got to help me.
Promise you'll help me, please.

- Can't.
- Jesus, I thought you said

you were better.

I lied.

Well, fake it and help me!

- I don't wanna.
- Do you think I "wanna"?

Nobody "wanna"!

But I need your help! Come on!

See? We can do this,
we can do this.

No, you know what?

I shan't be cowed
by a visiting group

of soccer hooligans,
feebs and psychotics

with congenital
lead aggression.

Except for my younger sister;
she's all right.

Yes, one look at how
inconceivably far I've come,

and they will see
how together I have it all.

This came for you.

_

"Dear Jimmy.

"It's donations
like yours that ensure

every young boy gets
the hugs he needs."

Oh, yeah, I knew it was bad.

(gasps)

Yo, can I get
this lollipop?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

_

(pounding on door)

_

No, no, you promised.

Oh, come on!

(groans)

Family!

Welcome to America.

Shut up.

I've forgotten what
soft hands you have.

It's like shaking hands
with the royal baby.

Royal girl baby!

(laughs)

(coughs)

WOMAN:
Jimmy!

Lilly, oh, my God,
look at you!

Uh, you must be
in university by now.

Oh, I was going to go,
but they pointed out

that university is
just a place wankers go

to study poetry and
fist themselves.

Ah, well, that's...

So, Fiona, what have you
been up to?

Work at the Tesco.

You know, the good one
on the north side.

Promoted straight away.

Cashier... free apron
and everything.

Uh, where's Mum?

In Barcelona with Tony.

- Who's Tony?
- Exactly.

I don't know why she married
the bloody tosser.

Wait, what, married?

- I don't understand.
- Me neither.

He smokes those
skinny cigarettes

and doesn't wear socks,
if you know what I mean.

Wait, you got divorced?

Why did nobody
tell me?!

Why, look at Jimmy's
fancy little salt dish.

"Oh, I can only have
a little bit of salt,

otherwise me mouth gets too dry
for gobbling knobs."

(laughter)

Uh, just, ah!

Just gonna move
my book there.

It's-it's not
a coaster.

Although "CoolBookGirl14"
on GoodReads called it

"an emotional roller coaster."

Hello, Shive-Overlys.

I'm Edgar, and, uh,
welcome to our home.

Who's the Paki?

(gasps)
Wow.

Di, that is quite offensive.

- First of all, he's my roommate.
- "Roommate."

And secondly, he's not
Pakistani, he's Mexican.

Ah, Mexicans...
America's Pakis.

I'll be
right back.

Gretchen!

JIMMY:
Gretchen?

TV ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...

Guys, this is my
girlfriend, Gretchen.

Jimmy, where's your gun?

Why would I have a gun?

Just like Shitty Jimmy to move
to America and not own a gun.

Wait, what did you
just call him?

- What's it to you?!
- No, I was genuinely asking.

Shitty Jimmy. You don't know
the story of Shitty Jimmy?

(laughs)

It's a good story.

So what happened
was, right?

One day,
he slipped in shit.

So from then on, we called him
Shitty Jimmy.

(laughter)

We also called him
Cock Bandit,

Crybaby Fartface
and Little Jizz Man.

- Ah, goddamn it.
- Well, my job here is done.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

Lilly! Tea!

So...

I thought today we could go see
the giant boulder at LACMA,

then there's a screening of
Vertigo at the cemetery...

Well, obviously we
can't do any of that.

The Eurotune Song
Contest is on all week.

JIMMY: Wait, so you flew
all the way to Los Angeles

just to sit in front
of the telly?

Was it hard to write
a book, Jimmy?

I'm so proud of you.

I always tell the other girls
at Fancy Dames

about my famous brother
in America.

Fancy Dames, the strip club?

Last time I saw you,
you were reading Harry Potter.

Well, I did get a tattoo
of Dobby the House Elf on my...

- It's okay.
- Lilly!

Biscuits!

_

Then we had to move
the half-price section.

And that was a big to-do,
of course.

Davey said the half-price was
too close to the posh cheeses,

and it didn't make sense,
customer-wise, of course.

Well, I told Davey, "You have
to move the signs then,

'cause obviously
Carrie can't carry 'em."

Why can't Carrie carry them?

Because she's got no arms;
that's why we call her Carrie.

Her real name's Beth.

Did I tell you
what Regina said the other day?

I don't know who Regina is.

Or Davey or Carrie.

You provide literally no
context to your stories.

Regina is Giancarlo's girl.

Anyway, Regina said
that Davey said

that in American
grocery stores,

they play a rain
and thunder sound,

and then a machine
spritzes the vegetables.

What a lie.

Can you imagine?

DI:
Will you two shut up?

The bleeding Belgians
are cheating again.

- (music plays, crowd cheers)
- (door opens, closes)

Hey, everyone,
this is Lindsay.

She's, uh, Gretchen's
best friend.

RONNY: Come and sit
on my lap, luv.

Oh, don't mind these stains.

Just a bit
of bean juice.

Right, I need you to find
Gretchen and get her up here.

And check the closets.

Now, go.

(clears throat)

Do gun shows have bazookas?

- Always wanted me own bazooka.
- JIMMY: No idea.

Dad, what happened
with you and Mum?

I don't know.

She just wanted
a bloke like Tony

with his floppy hair
and tight pants.

Bit like you.

(chuckles) How'd you get
your hair so floppy?

You, uh, have a
special cream?

Does it come
out of a tube?

A flesh-colored tube?

(laughter)

Hey, look who I found.

Who's winning the thing?

DI:
Maybe I'd know

if you weren't constantly
yapping in my face

like a goddamn Belgian.

(cell phone beeps)

Ugh.

Linds, can you go help Sam
with a wardrobe crisis?

No problem.

I thought all English
people were fancy,

but these are like
Alabama English people.

(screams) Jesus.

I have to look extra dope!

Those assholes'
latest track dissed

my wardrobe so thoroughly,

they have me doubting
my signature style

that GQ magazine once called
"courageously headache-y."

(chuckles) Okay,
leave it to me.

I'm really good
at clothes.

Okay, thanks, Linds.

(sighs aggressively)

Have to drop a response track

on they disturbingly
prolific asses right quick.

But I have no ideas for a hook.

(hip-hop track playing)

♪ Eat all my ass,
eat all my ass... ♪

Nah, nah.

- (cell phone chimes)
- _

♪ Your face is so wide ♪

♪ Your face is so wide... ♪

Nah.

- ♪ Hey, more like jizz stain, hey... ♪
- _

- No.
- LINDSAY: ♪ New phone. Who dis? ♪

♪ New phone. Who dis? ♪
(chuckles)

♪ New phone ♪

♪ Who dis? ♪

- ♪ And I said it's a new phone ♪
- (music stops)

♪ Who dis? ♪

What you singing?

Oh, sorry.

"New phone. Who dis?"

It's the ultimate
blow-off.

See, you pretend
not to know who "dis" is.

Huh.

"New phone.

Who dis?"

"New phone.

Who dis?"

- (hip-hop track playing)
- ♪ New phone ♪

♪ Who dis? ♪

♪ New phone ♪

♪ Who dis? ♪
(blows whistle)

♪ I wanna go... ♪

_

JIMMY:
Sorry about that.

Just had to take an
important work call.

It's my agent.

Anyway, he loves
my book proposal!

But I have to do a few tweaks.

Thus, unfortunately,

we won't be spending
the whole day together.

(groans):
Ah.

Time to put on my hard hat...

It's time for you
to drive us to the store

for cigarettes and booze,
you bloody bell end.

We're going outside?

I'll get ready.

Please take them.

I really do
have to write.

(groans)

And stretch it out, yeah?

Show them some important
Los Angeles landmarks,

like where Hugh Grant
got a slob job

or where Mel Gibson called
that lady cop "sugar tits."

Fine.

All right, English people.

Cover your skin.

We're going outside.

Go ahead without me.

I'm, uh... gonna take a walk.

(sighs)

Oh, man.

I'm ready!

Oh, well...

Hey, Lilly?

Uh...

What do you say
to a little tour of the city?

Oh!
(laughs)

MAN (over intercom):
Attention, shoppers.

There's a special
on kale in produce.

Cashier to check stand two,
please.

I knew it!

Right.

Let's see what else
about this place is bollocks!

- Eh...
- Hi. Can I help you?

Why aren't the eggs near
the cheeses and all that?

Oh, the eggs have their own case
on aisle four.

What were you looking for?

Organic?

Cage free?

Locally sourced
flamingo eggs?

Sorry, ma'am?

We're not allowed to let
you drink that in here.

Move, twat!

Are these all real?

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder continues rumbling)

MAN: We need immediate cleanup
on aisle 15, please.

An immediate cleanup
on aisle 15.

I can't believe it.

Davey wasn't lying!

I can't go back to Tesco now!

It's shit!

My whole life
is shit!

Oh, God.

What have I done?

I've ruined my body!

I'm only 36!

(mouthing)

Wow!

It's so big and gray.

Don't tell Jimmy,
but I did want

to go to university.

But helping my family was
more important than education.

Have you ever been
horseback riding?

No.

The last horse in our town
was used years ago

to make gelatin for
the lunatic asylum.

(giggles)

What the hell?

You were only gone
for, like, an hour?

Where did you go?

(TV turns on)

What, did we interrupt
your shitty little writing?

Uh...
(clears throat)

This "shitty little writing"
is my second novel

that will probably
spark a bidding war.

Shitty Jimmy
moves to America,

and suddenly, he thinks
he's hot fancy shit

and that we'd all be impressed

and somehow forget
that underneath it all,

he's still our little crybaby
wanker brother, Shitty Jimmy.

With your stupid house
and your lump of a girlfriend,

who's clearly miserable

'cause she has to live this
shitty life with Shitty Jimmy!

All right, that's it!

(all three shouting)

You don't get to tell me
what do to in my house!

Turn that back on
or I'll light your dick on fire!

Everybody, shut up!

(gun clicking)

You bought a gun?!

Yeah, of course.
The dealer came right up to the door.

Thought it come
with bullets though.

Did you know
my entire childhood

was spent with the lot of you

incessantly mocking me.

The first time I learned
to ride a bicycle

and fell into
that pile of loose lead.

(laughter)

My phase of wearing
mum's high heels.

And, yeah,
the famous Shitty Jimmy incident,

which, if you remember,

only happened
because Fi pushed me!

In my defense, I only pushed you
so you'd fall in shit!

And now you've come
to cow me again?

Well, it will not work.

Do you know why?

Because I understand
that you're not

the sisters
I looked up to,

or the father whose...

or the father whose approval

I desperately wanted.

You are just unhappy,

uneducated garbage!

And I want you
out of my house!

(laughter)

It's not funny!

(laughter continues)

Oh, come on.

Let's go for a drink.

- What?
- We need to talk.

And maybe stop by the bullet
store on the way home.

(laughs)

(door opens, closes)

♪ ♪

♪ I see you calling,
but I just keep stalling ♪

What?

♪ Yeah, new phone, who dis? ♪

♪ Little ninja can call me every
day crying like a doo-doo head ♪

♪ Shitstain is the name
'cause he shit his bed ♪

♪ Shitstain is insane
if he think he hard ♪

♪ I saw him sucking some dick
for a Magic card ♪

♪ Honey Nutz is a
punk-skinny fat bitch ♪

♪ I had to come for that fool
after Blair Witch ♪

♪ I had to muffle that,
too, he's a band ho ♪

♪ Fat ho, that four-eyed
punk is wack, yo ♪

♪ You're straight-up trolling
'cause your minutes ♪

♪ Ain't a-rolling ♪

♪ Yeah, new phone, who dis? ♪

Look, Jimmy,
I know I've never really been

that good at... you know...

Staying sober past lunch?

Not being racist?

- Gastrointestinal control?
- Talking.

Well, maybe that's because
whenever I tried to talk to you,

you'd just turn
on a football match.

Well, I didn't know
what to do with you.

I put a ball
down in front of you,

and you'd sit on the ball
and read a book.

Well, you've flown
all the way out here.

What do you want
to talk about?

You know...

How are you?

I'm great, Dad.

Thanks.

How's that girlfriend of yours?

She's fine, yeah.

I mean,

recently she's been going
through a bit of a rough patch,

but it'll pass.

- It doesn't pass, Jimmy.
- What?

When we first got married,
it was nice...

for a little while.

And then she started getting
dead moody all the time.

But then ten years went by,
then 20.

And then suddenly, our marriage
was one long rough patch.

You've got a career,
a nice house,

got your own Paki.

Don't do what I did

and let some black cloud
of a bird screw it up.

But I really
like Gretchen, so...

No, there's always more girls.

Hey.

This is my son, Jimmy.

He wrote a novel.

Published and all.

It's quite good.

You'd date him, right?

Eh, I'd snog him.

But I wouldn't
tell anyone about it.

You read my book?

Yeah, I read it,
you asshole.

I just didn't want you
to get a big head about it.

But it seemed like
a right proper story.

Just not for me.

So, yeah.

I'm proud of you and all that.

Isn't there a football match on?

_

JIMMY:
I've actually been meaning

to take an online course.

And I was thinking maybe
we could do it together.

I would love to!

Can we sit next to each other?

You understand it's online?

Oh, right.

(chuckles softly)

Got you a little present.

What?

Ah!

It made me feel like God.

I don't want to be God.

I paid 250 yesterday,

so I was thinking maybe 225.

I'm not paying you for that gun.

Fine!

Stick with your pepper spray
and your rape whistle then!

FIONA:
Bye!

DI:
Bye, Shitty Jimmy!

(door closes)

Oh, my God!
(chuckles)

Really?

Nothing to say
about my family?

Well, how about this?

I'm requesting that my
girlfriend let me vent,

because she's interested in
what's going on with me.

I can't.

You mean you won't.

(door opens, slams)

Rough day?

It was a rough four days.

My dad bought a gun.

Wait, what?

Back up.

Start from the beginning.

Okay.

So my oldest sister, Fiona,

she's obsessed
with her job.

Kept talking about
all these people

that she was
working with.

She works in
a supermarket.

And then my youngest
sister Lilly...