You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - LCD Soundsystem - full transcript
Gretchen becomes fascinated by a slightly older, cool couple that appears to have it all. Jimmy employs a punishment-based system to ensure he meets his writing deadline.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(quiet panting)
(grunting, moaning)
Hi.
Morning.
Good morning!
That was unexpected.
Oy.
(grunts)
(man urinating)
MAN:
"And the bear
went to the toilet."
(baby babbling)
Toilet.
'Cause he was a good bear.
What's Mommy reading about?
Mommy's reading about
how certain mean politicians
have been able
to convince workers
that unions are bad for them.
What? Why do they hate
overtime and maternity leave?
They're so silly.
And weekends.
Voting against
their self-interest.
Silly voters.
Silly willy voters.
(both babbling in baby talk)
So I tell Ben we need
another restorer
'cause the Guy-Blaché one-reel
is completely vinegar.
Soon, we're gonna lose
the Yasujirô Shimazu...
The one about the courtesan?
Yeah.
I love that one.
I mean, sure,
we have the transfer.
It's not the same.
It's not the same at all!
So, what are you saying?
Budget-- the restorers in China
charge pennies, you know?
I'm glad they're lifting
themselves out of poverty,
but...
Oh, remember that?
MAN:
Yeah.
I hate them.
Me, too.
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
♪ ♪
What do you think
of this backsplash?
Stop, we didn't
make a mistake.
Come on.
We may have made a mistake.
That's dope.
Goddamn it!
Stupid subway tiles.
Find something fun
for date night.
Only if you don't
call it "date night."
Okay, all right,
here we go.
Craft beer thing
in, uh, Eagle Rock.
Eh... Lucha VaVOOM?
We could do
a cemetery screening.
Wine tasting at Barnsdall.
Quentin's showing one of
my prints at the New Beverly.
Mike can get us
into the Magic Castle.
Papilles prix fixe looks
pretty good this month.
Devendra Banhart
is DJing at the ACE.
We still haven't been
to the new Largo.
Remember our
Largo days?
I miss our Largo days.
Me, too.
Still can't believe
you flashed Gnarls Barkley
after that Fiona Apple show.
Thank you.
Don't look now.
That girl's
checking you out.
What? Where?
What? No, she's not.
Well, she was.
Maybe she's
checking you out.
You go on one date
with Margaret Cho.
(scoffs)
What's happening
after work?
Band rehearsal.
Hey, what do you think
of the name Not Penny's Boat?
Hate it.
Just tell Colin
to watch his mouth.
He said the "C" word in front
of Harper the other day.
Didn't he, sweet baby?
Get it together, Colin.
And break up with Emily.
She's never gonna
make a good stepmom.
Doing YouTube
makeup tutorials
is not a career.
Holy shit!
What?
Oh, no.
Oh, God, Rob!
What?
Our lives just got so cliché.
What?
We got an interview
for the Camelot School
day after tomorrow.
(huffs)
Shit.
Are they gonna know
how much pot we smoke?
They're not gonna drug-test us.
Hey, you could probably pass.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
(stammers)
You don't smoke much these days.
Do you want me to fall asleep?
It's not a criticism.
You know, more for me.
Are we really gonna become this?
Hey, our job
is to present to the world
a human woman of quality.
Harper's awesome.
She deserves to go
to a great school.
If you feel really guilty,
you could cut down on
massages for Sandwiches.
It was one time!
He wasn't pooping!
(both moaning)
Bye, baby!
Bye, baby.
See you later.
(car engine starts)
♪ Did not want this to happen ♪
♪ You did not want
this to happen ♪
♪ I don't want this
to be a thing ♪
♪ Welcome to the year of flack ♪
♪ Welcome to the year
of flack ♪
♪ Welcome to the year
we give away... ♪
(warbling)
One more?
(sighs)
It's late.
But this season is so good.
We could mess around.
I'd rather watch
another episode.
Oh, God, I'll kill you.
(laughing): Stop!
(Sandwiches barking)
Sandwiches!
(shushing)
(whispers):
The baby.
(whispers):
Dumb dog.
Dog dummy.
Give him a break.
It's tough being
bred so shitty.
Oh, he's probably
barking at a can collector.
So embarrassing.
Like they need that?
All right, one more.
NARRATOR (on TV):
Previously on Exemplified...
(indistinct chatter on TV)
(Jimmy speaking indistinctly)
...pornography,
epic skateboard fails,
my music,
marathons of Treehouse Masters.
I mean, the old lions
had it easy.
The only distraction
from writing
was the encroaching
tide of fascism.
And the occasional
syphilitic seizure.
Are you listening?
Of course.
As such, if I am
to have any hope
of finishing the sample chapters
for my serious erotic novel,
I need your help.
I have here three envelopes
stamped and addressed,
each containing
something horrible
I do not want mailed
under any circumstances.
On the back are
dates and page counts.
I miss a deadline,
you mail the envelope.
In ascending order
of horribleness,
a check to BAMLA,
a love letter
to Becca,
and the worst,
an invitation for my family
to come visit,
all expenses paid.
I mean, the horror of
any of these being mailed
is so severe
that it will serve
as all the motivation
I need to write.
Okay.
Ah, damn it!
I'm late for work.
The bar opened
20 minutes ago.
I'll drop you off.
I think I'll walk.
Um... you forgot something.
(indistinct chatter)
WOMAN:
What's happening after work?
ROB:
Band rehearsal.
(indistinct chatter)
Didn't he, sweet baby?
Get it together, Colin.
And break up with Emily.
She's never gonna make
a good stepmom.
ROB:
Doing YouTube makeup tutorials
is not a career.
Oh, God.
Oh, Rob,
our lives just got so cliché.
What?
We got an interview
for the Camelot School
day after tomorrow.
Shit.
Are we really
gonna become this?
Hey, Harper's awesome.
She deserves to go
to a great school.
If you feel really guilty,
you can cut down
on massages for Sandwiches.
WOMAN:
He wasn't pooping.
Oh.
ROB:
Bye, baby!
Bye, baby.
See you later.
(engine starts)
Hey, Gretchen.
Do you ever wonder how
your life would be different
if you'd never walked into
that recruiter's office?
It's funny you ask that.
That summer while
I was at basic,
there was a drive-by that took
the life of a young baby...
They talk about how if you
make one different decision,
your life might be
totally different,
but is that your only shot?!
Can you make another decision?
Or-or a series of decisions
that could get you back
to the alternative life
that you never got to lead?
Okay, maybe I was
not clear earlier.
I'm writing!
It looks like you're drinking
and playing darts.
(scoffs)
Okay.
Edgar, this is
for you, too.
In fact, everyone-- writing is
very seldom actual writing.
Like, maybe on the outside,
it looks as though I'm drinking
and playing darts
and eating Craisins
out of the box in my pocket,
but this is part of the process.
It's all writing.
And I need you
to respect my process.
All right.
I'll let you get on
with the writing, then.
Oh, come...
Want me to go, too?
Can't. You're part
of the process now.
(Sandwiches barking)
(indistinct chatter)
Sandwiches!
(Sandwiches barking)
(shushing)
Hey, buddy.
(barks)
How's it going?
Here you go.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
You're a good boy.
See, dogs do eat nachos.
(Harper crying)
Okay, honey, here we go.
Num-num.
Mommy's got to go convince
a bad developer man
to put roof gardens
on his hideous condos.
(crying)
Have fun at the park.
WOMAN (over P.A.): We need
a restock on quinoa, aisle two.
Ready to go...?
Eh, excuse me.
Hi, sorry.
Can I help?
Yes, please.
Could you hold her for a second?
Oh, thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Hey.
Want to go over there?
Yes.
What's this?
(bottle rattling)
Do you like kombucha?
(Harper whines)
Me neither.
Ooh.
Oops!
Harper? Harper?
Harper?
Harper?
Harper?!
Oh, my God.
Hi.
(speaks Spanish)
She wanted to look
around. (chuckles)
(speaks Spanish)
(Harper crying)
Uh-oh, nostalgia box.
Goddamn, this used to be
so much fun.
Now?
Still fun as shit.
All right, gimme.
Gimme, gimme.
(sighs)
All right, sigh-face,
what's wrong?
Nitrate
decomposition.
You didn't get the grant?
I told them we've lost
over 75% of all silent film.
A major art form
created and destroyed
in the span
of a century.
They didn't care.
Maybe I don't either anymore.
I'm gonna have a gallon
of wine; want some?
We said we wouldn't; we have
the interview tomorrow morning.
Oh, goddamn it!
How's Harpoon?
Asleep.
Nanny said she spilled juice
all over herself today.
Likely story, Lupé.
Well, what am I supposed
to do now? You took my game.
Tough titties.
Sorry about your grant.
Yeah, well...
I'm gonna feed Sandwiches.
Okay. Try not to depress him.
Sandwiches!
Here, boy.
Sandwiches?
Sandwiches?
He's gone.
("We Can All Be Friends"
by Iain Archer playing)
♪ I was thinking ♪
♪ Had a feeling ♪
♪ We can all, we can all,
we can all be friends ♪
♪ If 10,000 green leaves
grow on this tree ♪
♪ We can all, we can all,
we can all be friends... ♪
(indistinct chatter)
Get the ball... get it,
get it, get it, get it.
Get the ball.
Yay!
(overlapping chatter)
♪ The sea of tiny flies
in the stars ♪
♪ That's what we are. ♪
Aw, is she friendly?
Oh, yes, he.
Oh.
His name's Sandwiches.
Aw, cute.
He has to take a pill,
but he's a good dog.
Aw.
Who rescued who, right?
I ask myself that
all the time.
So does my husband.
He has band practice right now,
so I cleared out.
The thing is, our daughter has
a school interview tomorrow,
so that's a stress,
but it's a good stress.
Come on, Lucy.
Bye.
I miss our Largo days,
Sandwiches.
Don't you?
Our Largo days.
We will, thank you.
What'd the shelters say?
It's too early for him to be in
the system if anybody found him.
I told you we shouldn't
leave him outside alone.
He has always gotten to hang
outside when he wants to.
That's 'cause
you taught him early on
that's where he belongs.
Dogs want jobs.
Sandwiches does not want a job!
He-he likes to look at stuff.
And now he's looking
at the inside of a coyote.
Oh, my God,
why would you say that?
Jesus, don't say that to me
about my dog.
And there we go.
You know what I mean--
I've had him longer.
And to accuse me of somehow
not caring for him properly
is stunningly hurtful.
Can we please just postpone
this stupid interview?
No. Why would we do that?
Because a family member
is missing, Lexi!
(knocking on door)
GRETCHEN:
Hi.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Sandwiches!
Ha!
You're back.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey. Hey, dummy.
Did you open the gate?
Thank you so much.
Hey, cutie, do you not
like living here?
I-I live
in the neighborhood.
I pass this guy all the time.
He ran right up to me.
We're friends.
Let us give
you a reward.
Oh, God, no,
I'm just glad he's home.
Well, uh, gosh,
thank you so much.
Hey, I'm sorry.
That's a really great chair.
I'm thinking
of redoing my study.
Do you know who makes it?
Oh, uh, I have it
written down somewhere.
Please, come in.
Oh, thanks.
LEXI:
Uh...
Oh, Gretchen.
Lexi. This is Rob.
(whispering): We have to keep
our voices down a little,
'cause our daughter is sleeping.
Oh. Cute.
C-Can I get you
a glass of wine?
GRETCHEN:
Oh, God, uh...
Sure, why not?
LEXI:
Amazing ramen.
Amazing coffee.
Both walking distance.
Bars...
Harper can take music lessons
at a place owned by Flea.
LEXI: I mean, I get
it, Gretchen, I do.
But we don't
know anything.
We're just a
couple of idiots
who boned in the bathroom of
the Echo the first night we met.
Oh...
Trying to
figure it out.
Totally aware
of the pitfalls
and the hazards and
the compromises...
In the bathroom
at a secret Primus show.
...and yet still doing it.
Vince Vaughn was there.
Not in the bathroom.
LEXI: Conventional
and scary? Hell yeah.
But the death of fun?
Not necessarily.
To be a slave to
an idea of coolness
is why some of your
friends never grow
and in the end are
actually less themselves
and counterintuitively
live less authentic lives
than the buyers-in.
(knocking on door)
GRETCHEN:
Hey, baby.
JIMMY:
Oh, hello.
ROB:
Come in. I'm Rob.
That's Lexi.
Oh.
Jimmy Shive-Overly.
Hi.
I found their dog.
I heard.
You're quite
the Carolus Linnaeus.
He invented the modern system
for binomial nomenclature
for animals.
It's an imperfect analogy.
Thanks for coming
to walk me home.
Oh, no problem.
Ah, vino.
Thank you.
So we don't really know
anyone in the neighborhood.
What do you folks do?
ROB: Uh, Lexi's a
green space architect.
And I'm a film restorer.
JIMMY: Ah.
You are doing God's work, sir.
But if everything's digitized,
who needs film?
Actually, film is far more
stable than digital storage.
Can't see how that's possible.
It's true.
Okay, well,
agree to disagree.
Jimmy's a writer.
For what show?
(scoffs)
Not for television.
Gah, can you imagine?
No, I'm a...
I'm a novelist.
Why live out here?
Yeah, right?
Right.
Anyway, I've recently devised
a flawless punishment-based
productivity solution,
if either of you are having
any trouble.
Who knows when they might air
another marathon
of Treehouse Masters?
Rob built a tree house
for our daughter.
What?!
She's a little too young
for it, but...
Uh, may I see it?!
ROB:
Sure, sure.
It's a dual-tree platform
structure, no electric yet.
Uh, may I see it immediately?!
Follow me.
(chuckles)
All right.
Yeah.
(scoffs)
(door opens, closes)
Hey, thanks for everything.
I don't want to bore
you with the details,
but, seriously, this was exactly
what I needed.
You like LCD Soundsystem?
Not really.
I know what you mean.
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you guys are great.
Hmm? Are we?
Yeah, you are.
Trust me.
(sighs)
I don't know.
Sometimes I just
look around and wonder,
like, how did this happen?
I mean, Lexi just
got this Mini.
It's a really good car.
Gas mileage is great.
But I see it in the driveway,
and it's like, "Ugh, what?!"
(chuckles)
I mean, one minute I'm living
in this cute little studio
near Beachwood,
interning at New Line,
swing dancing at the Derby.
Just me and my dog
and pizza and condoms.
Remember those?
Suddenly I have a child and a
mortgage, and it's like, "What?"
Hey, if you ever want
to go to Cha Cha's
and get a drink,
I would be totally down.
I don't even know anymore.
Lexi's always like,
"School, Harper's school."
And it's, like, fine,
but on the other hand,
I don't want to be having
that conversation, you know?
Like, I love the kid,
obviously.
I'm not gonna say she stole
my life, but come on.
I mean, what, if we get
a divorce, I'd only be 44.
Just check into
one of those motels,
get a bottle of Jack,
like, invite whoever.
Your boyfriend seems
really cool.
Seriously, Lexi goes
to bed crazy early,
so if you guys are
ever going out,
just shoot me a text;
she doesn't care.
JIMMY (laughing):
That's what I thought!
Very nice work
on the tree house, Rob.
Thank you. I downloaded
the instructions from the Web.
Single malt?
Ah, twist my arm.
Rob, we have the Camelot
interview in the morning.
Too late.
And I guess we're
drinking Scotch now.
Actually, we should go.
What? No!
Oh, okay.
LEXI:
Thank you again.
Seriously.
Yeah, no problem.
All right, bye.
Hey, seriously, we should
get dinner sometime.
The four of us.
I'll find you online.
That's got...
Uh, that's a,
um, childproof...
Okay, good,
you got it.
(Lexi and Rob arguing
indistinctly)
JIMMY: Well, I would just
like to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for inviting me.
They were hilarious.
Did you notice their
matching anchor tattoos?
And he must have
spent months
on literally the most boring
tree house in the world.
(chuckles)
Oh, and I made my deadline.
As of today.
You may tear up
the envelopes, thank God.
(fading): Yeah, this was
a lovely present for that.
So thank you.
And they named
their dog Sandwiches.
I mean, at some point, you have
to look at your lives and say...
(Jimmy's voice fades out)
♪ And it seems ♪
♪ There's no end ♪
♪ 'Cause the window ♪
♪ Is closed. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
You know,
I grew up in a town,
a town where a little boy
could have big dreams.
Not a town
where the Jets go for two...
when my kicker needs
one freakin' point,
so, for once in my life,
I'm not left festering
in misery, please!
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (funk intro)
MAN:
♪ I been in the right place ♪
Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
Who are you guys?
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
What are you
looking for exactly?
(screams)
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
You just sit around all day
thinking of nice things
to say to people?
I do like
to be nice to people.
You should try it.
I like how you
took a shower curtain
and made it into a dress.
(dings)
American Horror Story: Hotel.
All new Wednesdays at 10:00.
(scoffs)
Not for television.
Gah, can you imagine?
No, I'm a...
I'm a novelist.
Why live out here?
Yeah, right?
Right.
Anyway, I've recently devised
a flawless punishment-based
productivity solution,
if either of you are having
any trouble.
Who knows when they might air
another marathon
of Treehouse Masters?
Rob built a tree house
for our daughter.
What?!
She's a little too young
for it, but...
Uh, may I see it?!
ROB:
Sure, sure.
It's a dual-tree platform
structure, no electric yet.
Uh, may I see it immediately?!
Follow me.
(chuckles)
All right.
Yeah.
(scoffs)
(door opens, closes)
Hey, thanks for everything.
I don't want to bore
you with the details,
but, seriously, this was exactly
what I needed.
You like LCD Soundsystem?
Not really.
I know what you mean.
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you guys are great.
Hmm? Are we?
Yeah, you are.
Trust me.
(sighs)
I don't know.
Sometimes I just
look around and wonder,
like, how did this happen?
I mean, Lexi just
got this Mini.
It's a really good car.
Gas mileage is great.
But I see it in the driveway,
and it's like, "Ugh, what?!"
(chuckles)
I mean, one minute I'm living
in this cute little studio
near Beachwood,
interning at New Line,
swing dancing at the Derby.
Just me and my dog
and pizza and condoms.
Remember those?
Suddenly I have a child and a
mortgage, and it's like, "What?"
Hey, if you ever want
to go to Cha Cha's
and get a drink,
I would be totally down.
I don't even know anymore.
Lexi's always like,
"School, Harper's school."
And it's, like, fine,
but on the other hand,
I don't want to be having
that conversation, you know?
Like, I love the kid,
obviously.
I'm not gonna say she stole
my life, but come on.
I mean, what, if we get
a divorce, I'd only be 44.
Just check into
one of those motels,
get a bottle of Jack,
like, invite whoever.
Your boyfriend seems
really cool.
Seriously, Lexi goes
to bed crazy early,
so if you guys are
ever going out,
just shoot me a text;
she doesn't care.
JIMMY (laughing):
That's what I thought!
Very nice work
on the tree house, Rob.
Thank you. I downloaded
the instructions from the Web.
Single malt?
Ah, twist my arm.
Rob, we have the Camelot
interview in the morning.
Too late.
And I guess we're
drinking Scotch now.
Actually, we should go.
What? No!
Oh, okay.
LEXI:
Thank you again.
Seriously.
Yeah, no problem.
All right, bye.
Hey, seriously, we should
get dinner sometime.
The four of us.
I'll find you online.
That's got...
Uh, that's a,
um, childproof...
Okay, good,
you got it.
(Lexi and Rob arguing
indistinctly)
JIMMY: Well, I would just
like to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for inviting me.
They were hilarious.
Did you notice their
matching anchor tattoos?
And he must have
spent months
on literally the most boring
tree house in the world.
(chuckles)
Oh, and I made my deadline.
As of today.
You may tear up
the envelopes, thank God.
(fading): Yeah, this was
a lovely present for that.
So thank you.
And they named
their dog Sandwiches.
I mean, at some point, you have
to look at your lives and say...
(Jimmy's voice fades out)
♪ And it seems ♪
♪ There's no end ♪
♪ 'Cause the window ♪
♪ Is closed. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
You know,
I grew up in a town,
a town where a little boy
could have big dreams.
Not a town
where the Jets go for two...
when my kicker needs
one freakin' point,
so, for once in my life,
I'm not left festering
in misery, please!
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (funk intro)
MAN:
♪ I been in the right place ♪
Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(quiet panting)
(grunting, moaning)
Hi.
Morning.
Good morning!
That was unexpected.
Oy.
(grunts)
(man urinating)
MAN:
"And the bear
went to the toilet."
(baby babbling)
Toilet.
'Cause he was a good bear.
What's Mommy reading about?
Mommy's reading about
how certain mean politicians
have been able
to convince workers
that unions are bad for them.
What? Why do they hate
overtime and maternity leave?
They're so silly.
And weekends.
Voting against
their self-interest.
Silly voters.
Silly willy voters.
(both babbling in baby talk)
So I tell Ben we need
another restorer
'cause the Guy-Blaché one-reel
is completely vinegar.
Soon, we're gonna lose
the Yasujirô Shimazu...
The one about the courtesan?
Yeah.
I love that one.
I mean, sure,
we have the transfer.
It's not the same.
It's not the same at all!
So, what are you saying?
Budget-- the restorers in China
charge pennies, you know?
I'm glad they're lifting
themselves out of poverty,
but...
Oh, remember that?
MAN:
Yeah.
I hate them.
Me, too.
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
♪ ♪
What do you think
of this backsplash?
Stop, we didn't
make a mistake.
Come on.
We may have made a mistake.
That's dope.
Goddamn it!
Stupid subway tiles.
Find something fun
for date night.
Only if you don't
call it "date night."
Okay, all right,
here we go.
Craft beer thing
in, uh, Eagle Rock.
Eh... Lucha VaVOOM?
We could do
a cemetery screening.
Wine tasting at Barnsdall.
Quentin's showing one of
my prints at the New Beverly.
Mike can get us
into the Magic Castle.
Papilles prix fixe looks
pretty good this month.
Devendra Banhart
is DJing at the ACE.
We still haven't been
to the new Largo.
Remember our
Largo days?
I miss our Largo days.
Me, too.
Still can't believe
you flashed Gnarls Barkley
after that Fiona Apple show.
Thank you.
Don't look now.
That girl's
checking you out.
What? Where?
What? No, she's not.
Well, she was.
Maybe she's
checking you out.
You go on one date
with Margaret Cho.
(scoffs)
What's happening
after work?
Band rehearsal.
Hey, what do you think
of the name Not Penny's Boat?
Hate it.
Just tell Colin
to watch his mouth.
He said the "C" word in front
of Harper the other day.
Didn't he, sweet baby?
Get it together, Colin.
And break up with Emily.
She's never gonna
make a good stepmom.
Doing YouTube
makeup tutorials
is not a career.
Holy shit!
What?
Oh, no.
Oh, God, Rob!
What?
Our lives just got so cliché.
What?
We got an interview
for the Camelot School
day after tomorrow.
(huffs)
Shit.
Are they gonna know
how much pot we smoke?
They're not gonna drug-test us.
Hey, you could probably pass.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
(stammers)
You don't smoke much these days.
Do you want me to fall asleep?
It's not a criticism.
You know, more for me.
Are we really gonna become this?
Hey, our job
is to present to the world
a human woman of quality.
Harper's awesome.
She deserves to go
to a great school.
If you feel really guilty,
you could cut down on
massages for Sandwiches.
It was one time!
He wasn't pooping!
(both moaning)
Bye, baby!
Bye, baby.
See you later.
(car engine starts)
♪ Did not want this to happen ♪
♪ You did not want
this to happen ♪
♪ I don't want this
to be a thing ♪
♪ Welcome to the year of flack ♪
♪ Welcome to the year
of flack ♪
♪ Welcome to the year
we give away... ♪
(warbling)
One more?
(sighs)
It's late.
But this season is so good.
We could mess around.
I'd rather watch
another episode.
Oh, God, I'll kill you.
(laughing): Stop!
(Sandwiches barking)
Sandwiches!
(shushing)
(whispers):
The baby.
(whispers):
Dumb dog.
Dog dummy.
Give him a break.
It's tough being
bred so shitty.
Oh, he's probably
barking at a can collector.
So embarrassing.
Like they need that?
All right, one more.
NARRATOR (on TV):
Previously on Exemplified...
(indistinct chatter on TV)
(Jimmy speaking indistinctly)
...pornography,
epic skateboard fails,
my music,
marathons of Treehouse Masters.
I mean, the old lions
had it easy.
The only distraction
from writing
was the encroaching
tide of fascism.
And the occasional
syphilitic seizure.
Are you listening?
Of course.
As such, if I am
to have any hope
of finishing the sample chapters
for my serious erotic novel,
I need your help.
I have here three envelopes
stamped and addressed,
each containing
something horrible
I do not want mailed
under any circumstances.
On the back are
dates and page counts.
I miss a deadline,
you mail the envelope.
In ascending order
of horribleness,
a check to BAMLA,
a love letter
to Becca,
and the worst,
an invitation for my family
to come visit,
all expenses paid.
I mean, the horror of
any of these being mailed
is so severe
that it will serve
as all the motivation
I need to write.
Okay.
Ah, damn it!
I'm late for work.
The bar opened
20 minutes ago.
I'll drop you off.
I think I'll walk.
Um... you forgot something.
(indistinct chatter)
WOMAN:
What's happening after work?
ROB:
Band rehearsal.
(indistinct chatter)
Didn't he, sweet baby?
Get it together, Colin.
And break up with Emily.
She's never gonna make
a good stepmom.
ROB:
Doing YouTube makeup tutorials
is not a career.
Oh, God.
Oh, Rob,
our lives just got so cliché.
What?
We got an interview
for the Camelot School
day after tomorrow.
Shit.
Are we really
gonna become this?
Hey, Harper's awesome.
She deserves to go
to a great school.
If you feel really guilty,
you can cut down
on massages for Sandwiches.
WOMAN:
He wasn't pooping.
Oh.
ROB:
Bye, baby!
Bye, baby.
See you later.
(engine starts)
Hey, Gretchen.
Do you ever wonder how
your life would be different
if you'd never walked into
that recruiter's office?
It's funny you ask that.
That summer while
I was at basic,
there was a drive-by that took
the life of a young baby...
They talk about how if you
make one different decision,
your life might be
totally different,
but is that your only shot?!
Can you make another decision?
Or-or a series of decisions
that could get you back
to the alternative life
that you never got to lead?
Okay, maybe I was
not clear earlier.
I'm writing!
It looks like you're drinking
and playing darts.
(scoffs)
Okay.
Edgar, this is
for you, too.
In fact, everyone-- writing is
very seldom actual writing.
Like, maybe on the outside,
it looks as though I'm drinking
and playing darts
and eating Craisins
out of the box in my pocket,
but this is part of the process.
It's all writing.
And I need you
to respect my process.
All right.
I'll let you get on
with the writing, then.
Oh, come...
Want me to go, too?
Can't. You're part
of the process now.
(Sandwiches barking)
(indistinct chatter)
Sandwiches!
(Sandwiches barking)
(shushing)
Hey, buddy.
(barks)
How's it going?
Here you go.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
You're a good boy.
See, dogs do eat nachos.
(Harper crying)
Okay, honey, here we go.
Num-num.
Mommy's got to go convince
a bad developer man
to put roof gardens
on his hideous condos.
(crying)
Have fun at the park.
WOMAN (over P.A.): We need
a restock on quinoa, aisle two.
Ready to go...?
Eh, excuse me.
Hi, sorry.
Can I help?
Yes, please.
Could you hold her for a second?
Oh, thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Hey.
Want to go over there?
Yes.
What's this?
(bottle rattling)
Do you like kombucha?
(Harper whines)
Me neither.
Ooh.
Oops!
Harper? Harper?
Harper?
Harper?
Harper?!
Oh, my God.
Hi.
(speaks Spanish)
She wanted to look
around. (chuckles)
(speaks Spanish)
(Harper crying)
Uh-oh, nostalgia box.
Goddamn, this used to be
so much fun.
Now?
Still fun as shit.
All right, gimme.
Gimme, gimme.
(sighs)
All right, sigh-face,
what's wrong?
Nitrate
decomposition.
You didn't get the grant?
I told them we've lost
over 75% of all silent film.
A major art form
created and destroyed
in the span
of a century.
They didn't care.
Maybe I don't either anymore.
I'm gonna have a gallon
of wine; want some?
We said we wouldn't; we have
the interview tomorrow morning.
Oh, goddamn it!
How's Harpoon?
Asleep.
Nanny said she spilled juice
all over herself today.
Likely story, Lupé.
Well, what am I supposed
to do now? You took my game.
Tough titties.
Sorry about your grant.
Yeah, well...
I'm gonna feed Sandwiches.
Okay. Try not to depress him.
Sandwiches!
Here, boy.
Sandwiches?
Sandwiches?
He's gone.
("We Can All Be Friends"
by Iain Archer playing)
♪ I was thinking ♪
♪ Had a feeling ♪
♪ We can all, we can all,
we can all be friends ♪
♪ If 10,000 green leaves
grow on this tree ♪
♪ We can all, we can all,
we can all be friends... ♪
(indistinct chatter)
Get the ball... get it,
get it, get it, get it.
Get the ball.
Yay!
(overlapping chatter)
♪ The sea of tiny flies
in the stars ♪
♪ That's what we are. ♪
Aw, is she friendly?
Oh, yes, he.
Oh.
His name's Sandwiches.
Aw, cute.
He has to take a pill,
but he's a good dog.
Aw.
Who rescued who, right?
I ask myself that
all the time.
So does my husband.
He has band practice right now,
so I cleared out.
The thing is, our daughter has
a school interview tomorrow,
so that's a stress,
but it's a good stress.
Come on, Lucy.
Bye.
I miss our Largo days,
Sandwiches.
Don't you?
Our Largo days.
We will, thank you.
What'd the shelters say?
It's too early for him to be in
the system if anybody found him.
I told you we shouldn't
leave him outside alone.
He has always gotten to hang
outside when he wants to.
That's 'cause
you taught him early on
that's where he belongs.
Dogs want jobs.
Sandwiches does not want a job!
He-he likes to look at stuff.
And now he's looking
at the inside of a coyote.
Oh, my God,
why would you say that?
Jesus, don't say that to me
about my dog.
And there we go.
You know what I mean--
I've had him longer.
And to accuse me of somehow
not caring for him properly
is stunningly hurtful.
Can we please just postpone
this stupid interview?
No. Why would we do that?
Because a family member
is missing, Lexi!
(knocking on door)
GRETCHEN:
Hi.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Sandwiches!
Ha!
You're back.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey. Hey, dummy.
Did you open the gate?
Thank you so much.
Hey, cutie, do you not
like living here?
I-I live
in the neighborhood.
I pass this guy all the time.
He ran right up to me.
We're friends.
Let us give
you a reward.
Oh, God, no,
I'm just glad he's home.
Well, uh, gosh,
thank you so much.
Hey, I'm sorry.
That's a really great chair.
I'm thinking
of redoing my study.
Do you know who makes it?
Oh, uh, I have it
written down somewhere.
Please, come in.
Oh, thanks.
LEXI:
Uh...
Oh, Gretchen.
Lexi. This is Rob.
(whispering): We have to keep
our voices down a little,
'cause our daughter is sleeping.
Oh. Cute.
C-Can I get you
a glass of wine?
GRETCHEN:
Oh, God, uh...
Sure, why not?
LEXI:
Amazing ramen.
Amazing coffee.
Both walking distance.
Bars...
Harper can take music lessons
at a place owned by Flea.
LEXI: I mean, I get
it, Gretchen, I do.
But we don't
know anything.
We're just a
couple of idiots
who boned in the bathroom of
the Echo the first night we met.
Oh...
Trying to
figure it out.
Totally aware
of the pitfalls
and the hazards and
the compromises...
In the bathroom
at a secret Primus show.
...and yet still doing it.
Vince Vaughn was there.
Not in the bathroom.
LEXI: Conventional
and scary? Hell yeah.
But the death of fun?
Not necessarily.
To be a slave to
an idea of coolness
is why some of your
friends never grow
and in the end are
actually less themselves
and counterintuitively
live less authentic lives
than the buyers-in.
(knocking on door)
GRETCHEN:
Hey, baby.
JIMMY:
Oh, hello.
ROB:
Come in. I'm Rob.
That's Lexi.
Oh.
Jimmy Shive-Overly.
Hi.
I found their dog.
I heard.
You're quite
the Carolus Linnaeus.
He invented the modern system
for binomial nomenclature
for animals.
It's an imperfect analogy.
Thanks for coming
to walk me home.
Oh, no problem.
Ah, vino.
Thank you.
So we don't really know
anyone in the neighborhood.
What do you folks do?
ROB: Uh, Lexi's a
green space architect.
And I'm a film restorer.
JIMMY: Ah.
You are doing God's work, sir.
But if everything's digitized,
who needs film?
Actually, film is far more
stable than digital storage.
Can't see how that's possible.
It's true.
Okay, well,
agree to disagree.
Jimmy's a writer.
For what show?
(scoffs)
Not for television.
Gah, can you imagine?
No, I'm a...
I'm a novelist.
Why live out here?
Yeah, right?
Right.
Anyway, I've recently devised
a flawless punishment-based
productivity solution,
if either of you are having
any trouble.
Who knows when they might air
another marathon
of Treehouse Masters?
Rob built a tree house
for our daughter.
What?!
She's a little too young
for it, but...
Uh, may I see it?!
ROB:
Sure, sure.
It's a dual-tree platform
structure, no electric yet.
Uh, may I see it immediately?!
Follow me.
(chuckles)
All right.
Yeah.
(scoffs)
(door opens, closes)
Hey, thanks for everything.
I don't want to bore
you with the details,
but, seriously, this was exactly
what I needed.
You like LCD Soundsystem?
Not really.
I know what you mean.
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you guys are great.
Hmm? Are we?
Yeah, you are.
Trust me.
(sighs)
I don't know.
Sometimes I just
look around and wonder,
like, how did this happen?
I mean, Lexi just
got this Mini.
It's a really good car.
Gas mileage is great.
But I see it in the driveway,
and it's like, "Ugh, what?!"
(chuckles)
I mean, one minute I'm living
in this cute little studio
near Beachwood,
interning at New Line,
swing dancing at the Derby.
Just me and my dog
and pizza and condoms.
Remember those?
Suddenly I have a child and a
mortgage, and it's like, "What?"
Hey, if you ever want
to go to Cha Cha's
and get a drink,
I would be totally down.
I don't even know anymore.
Lexi's always like,
"School, Harper's school."
And it's, like, fine,
but on the other hand,
I don't want to be having
that conversation, you know?
Like, I love the kid,
obviously.
I'm not gonna say she stole
my life, but come on.
I mean, what, if we get
a divorce, I'd only be 44.
Just check into
one of those motels,
get a bottle of Jack,
like, invite whoever.
Your boyfriend seems
really cool.
Seriously, Lexi goes
to bed crazy early,
so if you guys are
ever going out,
just shoot me a text;
she doesn't care.
JIMMY (laughing):
That's what I thought!
Very nice work
on the tree house, Rob.
Thank you. I downloaded
the instructions from the Web.
Single malt?
Ah, twist my arm.
Rob, we have the Camelot
interview in the morning.
Too late.
And I guess we're
drinking Scotch now.
Actually, we should go.
What? No!
Oh, okay.
LEXI:
Thank you again.
Seriously.
Yeah, no problem.
All right, bye.
Hey, seriously, we should
get dinner sometime.
The four of us.
I'll find you online.
That's got...
Uh, that's a,
um, childproof...
Okay, good,
you got it.
(Lexi and Rob arguing
indistinctly)
JIMMY: Well, I would just
like to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for inviting me.
They were hilarious.
Did you notice their
matching anchor tattoos?
And he must have
spent months
on literally the most boring
tree house in the world.
(chuckles)
Oh, and I made my deadline.
As of today.
You may tear up
the envelopes, thank God.
(fading): Yeah, this was
a lovely present for that.
So thank you.
And they named
their dog Sandwiches.
I mean, at some point, you have
to look at your lives and say...
(Jimmy's voice fades out)
♪ And it seems ♪
♪ There's no end ♪
♪ 'Cause the window ♪
♪ Is closed. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
You know,
I grew up in a town,
a town where a little boy
could have big dreams.
Not a town
where the Jets go for two...
when my kicker needs
one freakin' point,
so, for once in my life,
I'm not left festering
in misery, please!
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (funk intro)
MAN:
♪ I been in the right place ♪
Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
Who are you guys?
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
What are you
looking for exactly?
(screams)
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
You just sit around all day
thinking of nice things
to say to people?
I do like
to be nice to people.
You should try it.
I like how you
took a shower curtain
and made it into a dress.
(dings)
American Horror Story: Hotel.
All new Wednesdays at 10:00.
(scoffs)
Not for television.
Gah, can you imagine?
No, I'm a...
I'm a novelist.
Why live out here?
Yeah, right?
Right.
Anyway, I've recently devised
a flawless punishment-based
productivity solution,
if either of you are having
any trouble.
Who knows when they might air
another marathon
of Treehouse Masters?
Rob built a tree house
for our daughter.
What?!
She's a little too young
for it, but...
Uh, may I see it?!
ROB:
Sure, sure.
It's a dual-tree platform
structure, no electric yet.
Uh, may I see it immediately?!
Follow me.
(chuckles)
All right.
Yeah.
(scoffs)
(door opens, closes)
Hey, thanks for everything.
I don't want to bore
you with the details,
but, seriously, this was exactly
what I needed.
You like LCD Soundsystem?
Not really.
I know what you mean.
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you guys are great.
Hmm? Are we?
Yeah, you are.
Trust me.
(sighs)
I don't know.
Sometimes I just
look around and wonder,
like, how did this happen?
I mean, Lexi just
got this Mini.
It's a really good car.
Gas mileage is great.
But I see it in the driveway,
and it's like, "Ugh, what?!"
(chuckles)
I mean, one minute I'm living
in this cute little studio
near Beachwood,
interning at New Line,
swing dancing at the Derby.
Just me and my dog
and pizza and condoms.
Remember those?
Suddenly I have a child and a
mortgage, and it's like, "What?"
Hey, if you ever want
to go to Cha Cha's
and get a drink,
I would be totally down.
I don't even know anymore.
Lexi's always like,
"School, Harper's school."
And it's, like, fine,
but on the other hand,
I don't want to be having
that conversation, you know?
Like, I love the kid,
obviously.
I'm not gonna say she stole
my life, but come on.
I mean, what, if we get
a divorce, I'd only be 44.
Just check into
one of those motels,
get a bottle of Jack,
like, invite whoever.
Your boyfriend seems
really cool.
Seriously, Lexi goes
to bed crazy early,
so if you guys are
ever going out,
just shoot me a text;
she doesn't care.
JIMMY (laughing):
That's what I thought!
Very nice work
on the tree house, Rob.
Thank you. I downloaded
the instructions from the Web.
Single malt?
Ah, twist my arm.
Rob, we have the Camelot
interview in the morning.
Too late.
And I guess we're
drinking Scotch now.
Actually, we should go.
What? No!
Oh, okay.
LEXI:
Thank you again.
Seriously.
Yeah, no problem.
All right, bye.
Hey, seriously, we should
get dinner sometime.
The four of us.
I'll find you online.
That's got...
Uh, that's a,
um, childproof...
Okay, good,
you got it.
(Lexi and Rob arguing
indistinctly)
JIMMY: Well, I would just
like to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for inviting me.
They were hilarious.
Did you notice their
matching anchor tattoos?
And he must have
spent months
on literally the most boring
tree house in the world.
(chuckles)
Oh, and I made my deadline.
As of today.
You may tear up
the envelopes, thank God.
(fading): Yeah, this was
a lovely present for that.
So thank you.
And they named
their dog Sandwiches.
I mean, at some point, you have
to look at your lives and say...
(Jimmy's voice fades out)
♪ And it seems ♪
♪ There's no end ♪
♪ 'Cause the window ♪
♪ Is closed. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
You know,
I grew up in a town,
a town where a little boy
could have big dreams.
Not a town
where the Jets go for two...
when my kicker needs
one freakin' point,
so, for once in my life,
I'm not left festering
in misery, please!
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (funk intro)
MAN:
♪ I been in the right place ♪
Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.