You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Rapidly Mutating Virus - full transcript
Jimmy gets closer to his bartender friend, Nina. Gretchen accompanies Sam to do a radio interview. Edgar attempts to make inroads with Dorothy's comedy friends.
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---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(sniffing)
(sniffing)
(whispers):
Okay.
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Sayin' hello
in the mornin'. ♪
Shh!
Okay.
Bye.
I'll see you later.
Ugh!
Can you get rid of that?
Guns freak me out.
950 grams.
They say the human soul
weighs 21 grams.
Never mind. I'll do it.
Hey, that's your best
garbage bag.
You going somewhere?
I'm just staying
at Lindsay's for a bit.
She needs help with everything.
See ya.
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
♪ I see you callin' ♪
♪ But I just keep stallin' ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis? ♪
Killer hook, Linds.
Thanks.
And guess what.
We're going to Fire 103 today
to drop the song
on Trace's show.
Nice!
Well, I better get back to it.
Oh, creating a human life.
I got to tell you,
it is so fulfilling.
But making a grammatical
nightmare of a song
with Gretchen's
psychopath client,
that's a really big deal,
you know, for you.
Oh, hey.
Tomorrow I'm eating runny cheese
and going on
an inverted roller coaster.
Want to come?
Okay.
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
You can't ever do anything fun
because you're ruining your body
with some
ginger-headed parasite.
Ha!
Whatever.
In five months, I will be on
a Disney cruise with my family
while you're
at divorce court,
looking back on the time
someone took pity on you
and let you sing
on their stupid song.
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
is not a stupid song.
It's about texting!
"K"?
Wow.
You weren't lying.
Was that 2010?
Giant slalom.
So what happened?
Well, here was me
a couple of months later
at the Winter X Games,
out of my gourd
on a couple of bong loads of
Shaun White's sour diesel.
Ah.
Well, you are skiing
the general idea of the course.
You're pole adjacent. Christ!
Oh, God!
Oh, that is... Oh, no!
I broke my leg
in a dozen places.
If you listen close,
you can hear Brent Musburger
gag back a puke.
So I hung it up,
and then my grandpa died,
and I took over his bar.
Life is long.
That it is, my gimpy friend.
So, skiers.
You guys must have large feet
in order
to balance properly, right?
(sighs)
My, what big, silly feet
you have.
(chuckles)
Fitting boots to those
would give
Giles Kevinson a heart attack.
Oh, a Buckle Your Shoes
deep cut.
I'm so mad
that we never got a happy ending
between Heathstead and Beatrix.
You've not seen
the holiday special?
There's a holiday special?
Yes, I own a copy.
What happens? Do they kiss?
Well...
Don't say anything.
Go get it.
I have to watch it now.
I doubt you have
an all-region DVD player.
I don't even know what that is!
Can I come over
and watch?
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Give me a second.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on, come on,
come on.
Okay, let's go.
(laughs)
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis, who 'dis,
who 'dis? ♪
♪ I feel you textin' ♪
♪ But you get no sexin' ♪
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis, who 'dis... ♪
(cheering)
Okay, that was, uh,
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
The first solo single
by my man Sam Dresden.
Caller, you're on Fire 103.
Tell me what you think.
WOMAN:
Wack.
Hmm.
Thoughts on Dresden's new song?
WOMAN 2:
Wack as hell.
You're on with Trace. Go.
MAN:
A step back creatively.
Without his
former collaborators,
Dresden leans
on typewriter drums
and almost unmotivated
tempo shifts.
Not helped
by the thin female vocals.
He said I sounded thin!
Man, my tempo shifts
are unmotivated on purpose!
Gretchen Cutler,
Caliber Publicity.
I think it's important
to consider
side projects separate
from the main artists.
Uh, Temple of the Dog,
Chris Gaines.
These are really
old references.
I'll look stuff up.
Anyway, context!
TRACE: I went to commercial
as soon as you started talking,
and your client bailed
on my show.
Shit.
♪ Rims on layaway,
y'all, rims on layaway. ♪
Could you transfer some funds
from the account ending in 3278?
WOMAN:
I'm sorry, sir.
That checking account
is overdrawn.
Hey, babe!
I can have one.
I'm celebrating.
Lindsay's song totally tanked
on the radio.
I need you
to get me some food.
Write this down.
Two...
Two beef and cheddars
from Arby's,
a birthday cake,
Red Vines,
Skinnylicious Salmon Rolls
from Cheesecake Factory,
a large popcorn from AMC--
just buy the ticket and leave.
Oh, man, I don't
have any cash.
You never have cash lately.
Just put it on the card.
We need the points
for the cruise anyway.
Oh, yeah, doy.
(baby-talking):
Thanks for the food, Daddy!
GRETCHEN:
Sam!
Why would you let me
do that show?
Because you wanted to.
You said, and I quote,
"Get your negligent ass
down to Fire 103.
We doin' a show."
My blood sugar was low!
You're supposed to give me
some goddamn almonds!
I am doing the
best I can, Sam!
Then do someone else's best,
like Hillary Clinton
or Tori Amos circa
Little Earthquakes.
What are you on right now,
honestly?
And don't lie to me.
Adderall.
And it's not even
working anymore.
This entire feud is your fault,
and those dis tracks
contain some shit that,
quite frankly,
I'm having some problems
recovering from.
Honey Nutz and Shitstain
literally haven't said anything
about you that isn't true.
They said your
grandma's a whore,
you don't have the head shape
for a five-panel hat,
your built-ins
aren't original,
you're not licensed
to teach Meisner...
Hold up, hold up!
They said my built-ins
aren't original?
How did they know?
I...
Listen, they nailed shit
back then
instead of using dowels,
Gretchen.
There were no dowels!
There were no dowels!
Never!
There were no dowels!
Hey, you're still coming to my
improv grad performance, right?
Oh, how could I squander
the opportunity
to see the gifted thespians
of the Wednesday 3:00 p.m. show?
So I'm going
to a barbecue tomorrow
with Dorothy's old team.
I'm a little nervous.
Just mimic everything they do
like a rapidly mutating virus.
I think I'm just gonna
be myself.
(scoffs)
That's the worst version of you.
So, Gretchen told me
she's staying at Lindsay's.
Something going on?
We're fine. Go away.
(toilet flushes)
Go, go, go.
HEATHSTEAD:
Here's the last of the wellies.
Oh, look.
It's starting to snow.
(bell chiming)
Is this it?
HEATHSTEAD: Beatrix, can I
fetch you a pair of wellies?
Oh, my God.
Oh, Heathstead, I'm not here
for bleeding boots.
Well, Beatrix,
it's been a right pleasure
buckling your shoes.
What are you doing?!
I forgot one thing.
Do it. Do it!
They're kissing! (laughs)
Jimmy, they're kissing!
Oh, my God!
Oh, finally.
Okay!
Look, the truth is,
I have a girlfriend.
Who?
Greasy-hair Queen of Dragons?
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
So, I'm gonna go.
And I'm gonna take this DVD
and this DVD player
and this HDMI cord.
(belt clinking)
I don't know how
I let it go so far,
but I am in big trouble, Paul,
with a girl from the Internet.
What girl?
Fun! Great shot, nerd!
I'm a money slave.
A money what?
A money slave.
I let a girl from the Internet
control my finances.
It's like S and M,
but instead of physical pain,
it's financial pain.
Little pig boy,
pay for my Invisalign.
Send money, loser!
That's my goddess, Kasia.
In the last four months,
I've given her, like, a hundo.
$100,000?!
Ha!
Nice fart, Paul!
Real poopy!
I'm ending it.
Kasia's gone rogue.
If I don't give her $15K,
she's gonna tell Becca.
You got to help me.
We're family.
Okay. Of course, Vernon.
Oh, geez.
Thanks, Paul.
When I was 12,
me and my buddy, Slider,
jacked off next to each other
on a camping trip.
Why are you
telling me that?
Nothing.
Just memories.
(laughter)
You're here!
Hey, guys, you remember Edgar.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Hey. Uh, hi.
I, uh, I brought this.
Oh, wine, thanks.
Oh, damn it, my back!
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, it just hurts
'cause my dick's so big.
(laughter)
Nah, he's always showing
us his tiny dick,
and the bit is he pretends
like it's all big.
So your back
doesn't hurt?
No, actually it does.
Last week, my neighbor's
pit bull attacked me
when I was carrying a pizza.
(laughs)
That actually wasn't a bit.
Yeah, it's really bad-- I have
to sleep in a water brace.
Probably end up in a wheelchair.
Oh, my God,
I'm sorry.
(laughing):
I'm just kidding, man.
That was a bit.
Oh, there's the team
that I coached--
"Beverley Hills
with an Extra E."
I should probably
go say hi.
You good?
Oh, y-yeah,
yeah, totally.
Oh, hey.
You know Edgar?
He's the one putting
it in Dorothy
and taking it
back out again.
Nah. (chuckles)
I usually just leave it in.
Uh...
So, anyway,
I'm putting this packet together
for the new Hee Haw reboot.
Man, that...
(knocking on window)
Goddamn it!
What?!
JIMMY:
Hello.
Red licorice vodka?
Were you expecting Chris Hansen?
Why are you here?
Last night, a certifiable
fox hit on me,
and I did not respond.
I masturbated furiously
afterwards,
but only after I'd rejected her.
You need to stop.
It's like you have amnesia.
Every day, you think
things are gonna be different,
and I'll just be happy.
Well, maybe you can
understand this.
I feel nothing.
About anything.
Dogs, candy,
old Blondie records,
nachos, you, us-- nothing.
So for the last time, please go!
Ugh.
(sniffing)
TRACE: You're listening
to Clockin' Out with Trace
on Fire 103.
Yeah, welcome back now.
Everybody's been
talking about what happened
on yesterday's show.
So when Sam called up, looking
to apologize, I was like,
"You need to come down here,
man-to-man, face-to-Trace."
I wasn't trying
to be disrespectful
by walking out yesterday.
TRACE:
Hold up, hold up.
I got a surprise for you.
In the building--
S-stain and Honey Nutz!
Live on Fire 103, 'cause
we keeps it real here.
Gentlemen.
(grunts)
So, Sam,
you had
something to say?
I feel bad for walking
out yesterday.
But I'm happy
that I'm here now,
so I can tell you...
what nasty mother
(bleep) y'all are!
(bleep) you, Shitstain!
(bleep) you,
Honey Nutz!
And (bleep) you, Trace!
Ouch.
Almonds, Sam, almonds,
almonds.
I don't want no
goddamn almonds.
Well, caller,
you on with Trace. Go.
WOMAN: I mean, Sam,
you coming off like a bitch.
Who you calling a bitch?
I will kill you!
Come down to the station.
Fine. What's the address?
Oh, you don't have Google?
Look it up, you poor-as-shit,
no-search-engine-having
hand-job prostitute!
I am a one in a generation.
A disrupter.
You know how in that Charlie
Chaplin movie, there's this ho
walking and talking
on a cell phone
even though it's 1928?
I'm that future-ass
cell phone ho!
Trace,
I'm out here every day,
changing the face
of everything--
music, art,
amusement parks,
farm-to-table, claymation,
laser shows...
Oh, whoa, careful, man,
that's medicinal.
(East L.A. accent):
They call me Dr. Weed.
(laughter)
They call me Dr. Weed...!
Boy, I'm gonna
get you some water.
They call me Dr. Weed, bitch!
(others laugh)
No way Dorothy
doesn't love this.
Hey, come hang out.
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have gotten so messed up.
It happens. Let's go.
I'm so over this party.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
From the bottom of my...
Jesus Christ, Edgar,
put those away!
Dr. Weed... is
going to live...
forever!
Cannonball!
(shouting)
I only have one thing
to say to you fools,
and it is this:
how dare you?!
You stopped coming
to sessions.
All of my success is for us.
Because unlike you,
I'm loyal as shit.
Then why didn't you show up
to Jaclyn's dental school
graduation?
I told you, I don't
like hanging out
with those rich USC assholes.
Your dad is a lawyer for CBS.
(tires screeching)
Which one of y'all is Sam?
Are you that bitch
that called the station?
Oh!
Oh, no!
He got that Denzel face.
Size her up, Stain.
Stop it!
Get up, Stain!
Stop it! Aah!
HONEY NUTZ: You got to fight,
Stain! Get up, Stain!
Stain!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm ready for you now.
"Can't afford a search engine."
Talk about me.
I got Google.
Google that.
Song is wack as hell.
Pineapple! Pineapple! (groans)
Run.
Let's go!
(car engine revs)
You okay, man?
(tires screeching)
That was crazy.
That little one was
kind of hot though.
(chuckles)
SAM:
Guys, I'm sorry.
SHITSTAIN:
Yeah, me, too, man.
HONEY NUTZ:
I'm sorry, too.
Take me to my Volt.
(groaning)
HONEY NUTZ: That little
one can swing, man.
I mean, who does
Lindsay think she is?
She's not even a trained singer.
(cell phone vibrates)
I'm the one who was almost
on Kids Incorporated.
Ugh, that bitch.
I know, right?!
Can't even believe
we're sisters sometimes.
(Vernon moans)
(sobbing loudly)
Uh, uh, honey?
Honey?
Honey, if you
could...?
We're closed.
Why are your lips all red?
Oh, flavored vodka.
Yikes.
You want some coffee?
Nah.
How about some Scotch?
(chuckles)
Hey, wait, Dor...
Dorothy, wait!
Hey, I didn't do anything
your friends don't do,
and you spent seven
years with them.
No, I wasted
seven years on them.
I woke up one day
in a rotting Victorian
with three smelly dudes.
And then you came along,
a new person,
who's honest
and sweet and rare.
But you know what, maybe
I just make bad decisions.
I mean, I bought a chocolate
fountain-- who does that?
I don't want to be
a bad decision.
I'm 33; I need
my life to move forward.
Uh, uh, Jimmy told me
that I shouldn't be...
Okay, I should've known.
Don't ever listen
to Jimmy's advice about me.
Okay.
Do you still like me?
Of course I do.
So much that it sucks.
Oh.
That fight really
scared me, Gretch.
Lying in that trash,
my life flashed before my eyes.
Dick.
Following Smash Mouth
around Europe.
Negative after negative
customer service interaction.
Divorce.
More dick.
I realized I really need
to get my shit together.
(sighs)
Hey, are you okay?
When I pulled a gun on that
girl, coked out of my face,
I suddenly felt
this strange feeling.
I was bored.
You were bored almost getting
murdered by female gang ladies?
That's really messed up,
isn't it?
Yes.
This isn't
working anymore.
I'm sorry you don't
feel anything, Gretchen.
Me, too.
(laughs)
Okay.
Right, let's play...
a hypothetical.
All right, so let's say
I was your boyfriend.
Okay.
Could I drink here for free?
(scoffs)
Of course.
Could I have my own stool?
Sure.
With a plaque
with my name on it.
Wait, in this fantasy, you
get everything you want?
Uh-huh.
Free drinks,
your own stool.
Uh-huh.
What do I get?
Well, you have to ask
for what you want.
Would you dedicate
your book to me?
Absolutely.
Where would
your plaque be?
Well, here.
Where?
Here. Look close.
Can you picture it?
It'll be so beautiful.
I should go.
Yeah.
Night, Nina.
Night, Jimmy.
I forgot one thing.
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ In the shade ♪
♪ When there's nothing ♪
♪ You won't know
that it's too late ♪
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ From everyone ♪
♪ When the time comes ♪
♪ You can find
what you've become. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
Future generations,
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
Sacks. Touchdowns.
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
In the toilet.
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
Sometimes I feel like I--
Smoked everything in sight.
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
(material flapping)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
-MAN:
Hey, lock up your daughters.
-Ugh.
What do I do-do?
Currently I am...
-a temp.
-(screaming)
ANNOUNCER:
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season, January.
-(screaming)
-On FXX.
-What's your clown name?
-Renoir.
Can't have no clown here
named Renoir. You're Baskets.
-Great.
-You're hired.
I am?
Care for a cup of coffee
before you leave?
No, I'm okay.
(slurps)
(groaning)
HONEY NUTZ: That little
one can swing, man.
I mean, who does
Lindsay think she is?
She's not even a trained singer.
(cell phone vibrates)
I'm the one who was almost
on Kids Incorporated.
Ugh, that bitch.
I know, right?!
Can't even believe
we're sisters sometimes.
(Vernon moans)
(sobbing loudly)
Uh, uh, honey?
Honey?
Honey, if you
could...?
We're closed.
Why are your lips all red?
Oh, flavored vodka.
Yikes.
You want some coffee?
Nah.
How about some Scotch?
(chuckles)
Hey, wait, Dor...
Dorothy, wait!
Hey, I didn't do anything
your friends don't do,
and you spent seven
years with them.
No, I wasted
seven years on them.
I woke up one day
in a rotting Victorian
with three smelly dudes.
And then you came along,
a new person,
who's honest
and sweet and rare.
But you know what, maybe
I just make bad decisions.
I mean, I bought a chocolate
fountain-- who does that?
I don't want to be
a bad decision.
I'm 33; I need
my life to move forward.
Uh, uh, Jimmy told me
that I shouldn't be...
Okay, I should've known.
Don't ever listen
to Jimmy's advice about me.
Okay.
Do you still like me?
Of course I do.
So much that it sucks.
Oh.
That fight really
scared me, Gretch.
Lying in that trash,
my life flashed before my eyes.
Dick.
Following Smash Mouth
around Europe.
Negative after negative
customer service interaction.
Divorce.
More dick.
I realized I really need
to get my shit together.
(sighs)
Hey, are you okay?
When I pulled a gun on that
girl, coked out of my face,
I suddenly felt
this strange feeling.
I was bored.
You were bored almost getting
murdered by female gang ladies?
That's really messed up,
isn't it?
Yes.
This isn't
working anymore.
I'm sorry you don't
feel anything, Gretchen.
Me, too.
(laughs)
Okay.
Right, let's play...
a hypothetical.
All right, so let's say
I was your boyfriend.
Okay.
Could I drink here for free?
(scoffs)
Of course.
Could I have my own stool?
Sure.
With a plaque
with my name on it.
Wait, in this fantasy, you
get everything you want?
Uh-huh.
Free drinks,
your own stool.
Uh-huh.
What do I get?
Well, you have to ask
for what you want.
Would you dedicate
your book to me?
Absolutely.
Where would
your plaque be?
Well, here.
Where?
Here. Look close.
Can you picture it?
It'll be so beautiful.
I should go.
Yeah.
Night, Nina.
Night, Jimmy.
I forgot one thing.
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ In the shade ♪
♪ When there's nothing ♪
♪ You won't know
that it's too late ♪
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ From everyone ♪
♪ When the time comes ♪
♪ You can find
what you've become. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
Future generations,
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
Sacks. Touchdowns.
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
In the toilet.
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
Sometimes I feel like I--
Smoked everything in sight.
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
(material flapping)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(sniffing)
(sniffing)
(whispers):
Okay.
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Sayin' hello
in the mornin'. ♪
Shh!
Okay.
Bye.
I'll see you later.
Ugh!
Can you get rid of that?
Guns freak me out.
950 grams.
They say the human soul
weighs 21 grams.
Never mind. I'll do it.
Hey, that's your best
garbage bag.
You going somewhere?
I'm just staying
at Lindsay's for a bit.
She needs help with everything.
See ya.
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
♪ I see you callin' ♪
♪ But I just keep stallin' ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis? ♪
Killer hook, Linds.
Thanks.
And guess what.
We're going to Fire 103 today
to drop the song
on Trace's show.
Nice!
Well, I better get back to it.
Oh, creating a human life.
I got to tell you,
it is so fulfilling.
But making a grammatical
nightmare of a song
with Gretchen's
psychopath client,
that's a really big deal,
you know, for you.
Oh, hey.
Tomorrow I'm eating runny cheese
and going on
an inverted roller coaster.
Want to come?
Okay.
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
You can't ever do anything fun
because you're ruining your body
with some
ginger-headed parasite.
Ha!
Whatever.
In five months, I will be on
a Disney cruise with my family
while you're
at divorce court,
looking back on the time
someone took pity on you
and let you sing
on their stupid song.
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
is not a stupid song.
It's about texting!
"K"?
Wow.
You weren't lying.
Was that 2010?
Giant slalom.
So what happened?
Well, here was me
a couple of months later
at the Winter X Games,
out of my gourd
on a couple of bong loads of
Shaun White's sour diesel.
Ah.
Well, you are skiing
the general idea of the course.
You're pole adjacent. Christ!
Oh, God!
Oh, that is... Oh, no!
I broke my leg
in a dozen places.
If you listen close,
you can hear Brent Musburger
gag back a puke.
So I hung it up,
and then my grandpa died,
and I took over his bar.
Life is long.
That it is, my gimpy friend.
So, skiers.
You guys must have large feet
in order
to balance properly, right?
(sighs)
My, what big, silly feet
you have.
(chuckles)
Fitting boots to those
would give
Giles Kevinson a heart attack.
Oh, a Buckle Your Shoes
deep cut.
I'm so mad
that we never got a happy ending
between Heathstead and Beatrix.
You've not seen
the holiday special?
There's a holiday special?
Yes, I own a copy.
What happens? Do they kiss?
Well...
Don't say anything.
Go get it.
I have to watch it now.
I doubt you have
an all-region DVD player.
I don't even know what that is!
Can I come over
and watch?
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Give me a second.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on, come on,
come on.
Okay, let's go.
(laughs)
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis, who 'dis,
who 'dis? ♪
♪ I feel you textin' ♪
♪ But you get no sexin' ♪
♪ New phone, who 'dis? ♪
♪ Who 'dis, who 'dis... ♪
(cheering)
Okay, that was, uh,
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
The first solo single
by my man Sam Dresden.
Caller, you're on Fire 103.
Tell me what you think.
WOMAN:
Wack.
Hmm.
Thoughts on Dresden's new song?
WOMAN 2:
Wack as hell.
You're on with Trace. Go.
MAN:
A step back creatively.
Without his
former collaborators,
Dresden leans
on typewriter drums
and almost unmotivated
tempo shifts.
Not helped
by the thin female vocals.
He said I sounded thin!
Man, my tempo shifts
are unmotivated on purpose!
Gretchen Cutler,
Caliber Publicity.
I think it's important
to consider
side projects separate
from the main artists.
Uh, Temple of the Dog,
Chris Gaines.
These are really
old references.
I'll look stuff up.
Anyway, context!
TRACE: I went to commercial
as soon as you started talking,
and your client bailed
on my show.
Shit.
♪ Rims on layaway,
y'all, rims on layaway. ♪
Could you transfer some funds
from the account ending in 3278?
WOMAN:
I'm sorry, sir.
That checking account
is overdrawn.
Hey, babe!
I can have one.
I'm celebrating.
Lindsay's song totally tanked
on the radio.
I need you
to get me some food.
Write this down.
Two...
Two beef and cheddars
from Arby's,
a birthday cake,
Red Vines,
Skinnylicious Salmon Rolls
from Cheesecake Factory,
a large popcorn from AMC--
just buy the ticket and leave.
Oh, man, I don't
have any cash.
You never have cash lately.
Just put it on the card.
We need the points
for the cruise anyway.
Oh, yeah, doy.
(baby-talking):
Thanks for the food, Daddy!
GRETCHEN:
Sam!
Why would you let me
do that show?
Because you wanted to.
You said, and I quote,
"Get your negligent ass
down to Fire 103.
We doin' a show."
My blood sugar was low!
You're supposed to give me
some goddamn almonds!
I am doing the
best I can, Sam!
Then do someone else's best,
like Hillary Clinton
or Tori Amos circa
Little Earthquakes.
What are you on right now,
honestly?
And don't lie to me.
Adderall.
And it's not even
working anymore.
This entire feud is your fault,
and those dis tracks
contain some shit that,
quite frankly,
I'm having some problems
recovering from.
Honey Nutz and Shitstain
literally haven't said anything
about you that isn't true.
They said your
grandma's a whore,
you don't have the head shape
for a five-panel hat,
your built-ins
aren't original,
you're not licensed
to teach Meisner...
Hold up, hold up!
They said my built-ins
aren't original?
How did they know?
I...
Listen, they nailed shit
back then
instead of using dowels,
Gretchen.
There were no dowels!
There were no dowels!
Never!
There were no dowels!
Hey, you're still coming to my
improv grad performance, right?
Oh, how could I squander
the opportunity
to see the gifted thespians
of the Wednesday 3:00 p.m. show?
So I'm going
to a barbecue tomorrow
with Dorothy's old team.
I'm a little nervous.
Just mimic everything they do
like a rapidly mutating virus.
I think I'm just gonna
be myself.
(scoffs)
That's the worst version of you.
So, Gretchen told me
she's staying at Lindsay's.
Something going on?
We're fine. Go away.
(toilet flushes)
Go, go, go.
HEATHSTEAD:
Here's the last of the wellies.
Oh, look.
It's starting to snow.
(bell chiming)
Is this it?
HEATHSTEAD: Beatrix, can I
fetch you a pair of wellies?
Oh, my God.
Oh, Heathstead, I'm not here
for bleeding boots.
Well, Beatrix,
it's been a right pleasure
buckling your shoes.
What are you doing?!
I forgot one thing.
Do it. Do it!
They're kissing! (laughs)
Jimmy, they're kissing!
Oh, my God!
Oh, finally.
Okay!
Look, the truth is,
I have a girlfriend.
Who?
Greasy-hair Queen of Dragons?
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
So, I'm gonna go.
And I'm gonna take this DVD
and this DVD player
and this HDMI cord.
(belt clinking)
I don't know how
I let it go so far,
but I am in big trouble, Paul,
with a girl from the Internet.
What girl?
Fun! Great shot, nerd!
I'm a money slave.
A money what?
A money slave.
I let a girl from the Internet
control my finances.
It's like S and M,
but instead of physical pain,
it's financial pain.
Little pig boy,
pay for my Invisalign.
Send money, loser!
That's my goddess, Kasia.
In the last four months,
I've given her, like, a hundo.
$100,000?!
Ha!
Nice fart, Paul!
Real poopy!
I'm ending it.
Kasia's gone rogue.
If I don't give her $15K,
she's gonna tell Becca.
You got to help me.
We're family.
Okay. Of course, Vernon.
Oh, geez.
Thanks, Paul.
When I was 12,
me and my buddy, Slider,
jacked off next to each other
on a camping trip.
Why are you
telling me that?
Nothing.
Just memories.
(laughter)
You're here!
Hey, guys, you remember Edgar.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Hey. Uh, hi.
I, uh, I brought this.
Oh, wine, thanks.
Oh, damn it, my back!
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, it just hurts
'cause my dick's so big.
(laughter)
Nah, he's always showing
us his tiny dick,
and the bit is he pretends
like it's all big.
So your back
doesn't hurt?
No, actually it does.
Last week, my neighbor's
pit bull attacked me
when I was carrying a pizza.
(laughs)
That actually wasn't a bit.
Yeah, it's really bad-- I have
to sleep in a water brace.
Probably end up in a wheelchair.
Oh, my God,
I'm sorry.
(laughing):
I'm just kidding, man.
That was a bit.
Oh, there's the team
that I coached--
"Beverley Hills
with an Extra E."
I should probably
go say hi.
You good?
Oh, y-yeah,
yeah, totally.
Oh, hey.
You know Edgar?
He's the one putting
it in Dorothy
and taking it
back out again.
Nah. (chuckles)
I usually just leave it in.
Uh...
So, anyway,
I'm putting this packet together
for the new Hee Haw reboot.
Man, that...
(knocking on window)
Goddamn it!
What?!
JIMMY:
Hello.
Red licorice vodka?
Were you expecting Chris Hansen?
Why are you here?
Last night, a certifiable
fox hit on me,
and I did not respond.
I masturbated furiously
afterwards,
but only after I'd rejected her.
You need to stop.
It's like you have amnesia.
Every day, you think
things are gonna be different,
and I'll just be happy.
Well, maybe you can
understand this.
I feel nothing.
About anything.
Dogs, candy,
old Blondie records,
nachos, you, us-- nothing.
So for the last time, please go!
Ugh.
(sniffing)
TRACE: You're listening
to Clockin' Out with Trace
on Fire 103.
Yeah, welcome back now.
Everybody's been
talking about what happened
on yesterday's show.
So when Sam called up, looking
to apologize, I was like,
"You need to come down here,
man-to-man, face-to-Trace."
I wasn't trying
to be disrespectful
by walking out yesterday.
TRACE:
Hold up, hold up.
I got a surprise for you.
In the building--
S-stain and Honey Nutz!
Live on Fire 103, 'cause
we keeps it real here.
Gentlemen.
(grunts)
So, Sam,
you had
something to say?
I feel bad for walking
out yesterday.
But I'm happy
that I'm here now,
so I can tell you...
what nasty mother
(bleep) y'all are!
(bleep) you, Shitstain!
(bleep) you,
Honey Nutz!
And (bleep) you, Trace!
Ouch.
Almonds, Sam, almonds,
almonds.
I don't want no
goddamn almonds.
Well, caller,
you on with Trace. Go.
WOMAN: I mean, Sam,
you coming off like a bitch.
Who you calling a bitch?
I will kill you!
Come down to the station.
Fine. What's the address?
Oh, you don't have Google?
Look it up, you poor-as-shit,
no-search-engine-having
hand-job prostitute!
I am a one in a generation.
A disrupter.
You know how in that Charlie
Chaplin movie, there's this ho
walking and talking
on a cell phone
even though it's 1928?
I'm that future-ass
cell phone ho!
Trace,
I'm out here every day,
changing the face
of everything--
music, art,
amusement parks,
farm-to-table, claymation,
laser shows...
Oh, whoa, careful, man,
that's medicinal.
(East L.A. accent):
They call me Dr. Weed.
(laughter)
They call me Dr. Weed...!
Boy, I'm gonna
get you some water.
They call me Dr. Weed, bitch!
(others laugh)
No way Dorothy
doesn't love this.
Hey, come hang out.
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have gotten so messed up.
It happens. Let's go.
I'm so over this party.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
From the bottom of my...
Jesus Christ, Edgar,
put those away!
Dr. Weed... is
going to live...
forever!
Cannonball!
(shouting)
I only have one thing
to say to you fools,
and it is this:
how dare you?!
You stopped coming
to sessions.
All of my success is for us.
Because unlike you,
I'm loyal as shit.
Then why didn't you show up
to Jaclyn's dental school
graduation?
I told you, I don't
like hanging out
with those rich USC assholes.
Your dad is a lawyer for CBS.
(tires screeching)
Which one of y'all is Sam?
Are you that bitch
that called the station?
Oh!
Oh, no!
He got that Denzel face.
Size her up, Stain.
Stop it!
Get up, Stain!
Stop it! Aah!
HONEY NUTZ: You got to fight,
Stain! Get up, Stain!
Stain!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm ready for you now.
"Can't afford a search engine."
Talk about me.
I got Google.
Google that.
Song is wack as hell.
Pineapple! Pineapple! (groans)
Run.
Let's go!
(car engine revs)
You okay, man?
(tires screeching)
That was crazy.
That little one was
kind of hot though.
(chuckles)
SAM:
Guys, I'm sorry.
SHITSTAIN:
Yeah, me, too, man.
HONEY NUTZ:
I'm sorry, too.
Take me to my Volt.
(groaning)
HONEY NUTZ: That little
one can swing, man.
I mean, who does
Lindsay think she is?
She's not even a trained singer.
(cell phone vibrates)
I'm the one who was almost
on Kids Incorporated.
Ugh, that bitch.
I know, right?!
Can't even believe
we're sisters sometimes.
(Vernon moans)
(sobbing loudly)
Uh, uh, honey?
Honey?
Honey, if you
could...?
We're closed.
Why are your lips all red?
Oh, flavored vodka.
Yikes.
You want some coffee?
Nah.
How about some Scotch?
(chuckles)
Hey, wait, Dor...
Dorothy, wait!
Hey, I didn't do anything
your friends don't do,
and you spent seven
years with them.
No, I wasted
seven years on them.
I woke up one day
in a rotting Victorian
with three smelly dudes.
And then you came along,
a new person,
who's honest
and sweet and rare.
But you know what, maybe
I just make bad decisions.
I mean, I bought a chocolate
fountain-- who does that?
I don't want to be
a bad decision.
I'm 33; I need
my life to move forward.
Uh, uh, Jimmy told me
that I shouldn't be...
Okay, I should've known.
Don't ever listen
to Jimmy's advice about me.
Okay.
Do you still like me?
Of course I do.
So much that it sucks.
Oh.
That fight really
scared me, Gretch.
Lying in that trash,
my life flashed before my eyes.
Dick.
Following Smash Mouth
around Europe.
Negative after negative
customer service interaction.
Divorce.
More dick.
I realized I really need
to get my shit together.
(sighs)
Hey, are you okay?
When I pulled a gun on that
girl, coked out of my face,
I suddenly felt
this strange feeling.
I was bored.
You were bored almost getting
murdered by female gang ladies?
That's really messed up,
isn't it?
Yes.
This isn't
working anymore.
I'm sorry you don't
feel anything, Gretchen.
Me, too.
(laughs)
Okay.
Right, let's play...
a hypothetical.
All right, so let's say
I was your boyfriend.
Okay.
Could I drink here for free?
(scoffs)
Of course.
Could I have my own stool?
Sure.
With a plaque
with my name on it.
Wait, in this fantasy, you
get everything you want?
Uh-huh.
Free drinks,
your own stool.
Uh-huh.
What do I get?
Well, you have to ask
for what you want.
Would you dedicate
your book to me?
Absolutely.
Where would
your plaque be?
Well, here.
Where?
Here. Look close.
Can you picture it?
It'll be so beautiful.
I should go.
Yeah.
Night, Nina.
Night, Jimmy.
I forgot one thing.
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ In the shade ♪
♪ When there's nothing ♪
♪ You won't know
that it's too late ♪
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ From everyone ♪
♪ When the time comes ♪
♪ You can find
what you've become. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
Future generations,
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
Sacks. Touchdowns.
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
In the toilet.
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
Sometimes I feel like I--
Smoked everything in sight.
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
(material flapping)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
-MAN:
Hey, lock up your daughters.
-Ugh.
What do I do-do?
Currently I am...
-a temp.
-(screaming)
ANNOUNCER:
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season, January.
-(screaming)
-On FXX.
-What's your clown name?
-Renoir.
Can't have no clown here
named Renoir. You're Baskets.
-Great.
-You're hired.
I am?
Care for a cup of coffee
before you leave?
No, I'm okay.
(slurps)
(groaning)
HONEY NUTZ: That little
one can swing, man.
I mean, who does
Lindsay think she is?
She's not even a trained singer.
(cell phone vibrates)
I'm the one who was almost
on Kids Incorporated.
Ugh, that bitch.
I know, right?!
Can't even believe
we're sisters sometimes.
(Vernon moans)
(sobbing loudly)
Uh, uh, honey?
Honey?
Honey, if you
could...?
We're closed.
Why are your lips all red?
Oh, flavored vodka.
Yikes.
You want some coffee?
Nah.
How about some Scotch?
(chuckles)
Hey, wait, Dor...
Dorothy, wait!
Hey, I didn't do anything
your friends don't do,
and you spent seven
years with them.
No, I wasted
seven years on them.
I woke up one day
in a rotting Victorian
with three smelly dudes.
And then you came along,
a new person,
who's honest
and sweet and rare.
But you know what, maybe
I just make bad decisions.
I mean, I bought a chocolate
fountain-- who does that?
I don't want to be
a bad decision.
I'm 33; I need
my life to move forward.
Uh, uh, Jimmy told me
that I shouldn't be...
Okay, I should've known.
Don't ever listen
to Jimmy's advice about me.
Okay.
Do you still like me?
Of course I do.
So much that it sucks.
Oh.
That fight really
scared me, Gretch.
Lying in that trash,
my life flashed before my eyes.
Dick.
Following Smash Mouth
around Europe.
Negative after negative
customer service interaction.
Divorce.
More dick.
I realized I really need
to get my shit together.
(sighs)
Hey, are you okay?
When I pulled a gun on that
girl, coked out of my face,
I suddenly felt
this strange feeling.
I was bored.
You were bored almost getting
murdered by female gang ladies?
That's really messed up,
isn't it?
Yes.
This isn't
working anymore.
I'm sorry you don't
feel anything, Gretchen.
Me, too.
(laughs)
Okay.
Right, let's play...
a hypothetical.
All right, so let's say
I was your boyfriend.
Okay.
Could I drink here for free?
(scoffs)
Of course.
Could I have my own stool?
Sure.
With a plaque
with my name on it.
Wait, in this fantasy, you
get everything you want?
Uh-huh.
Free drinks,
your own stool.
Uh-huh.
What do I get?
Well, you have to ask
for what you want.
Would you dedicate
your book to me?
Absolutely.
Where would
your plaque be?
Well, here.
Where?
Here. Look close.
Can you picture it?
It'll be so beautiful.
I should go.
Yeah.
Night, Nina.
Night, Jimmy.
I forgot one thing.
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ In the shade ♪
♪ When there's nothing ♪
♪ You won't know
that it's too late ♪
♪ Find yourself now ♪
♪ From everyone ♪
♪ When the time comes ♪
♪ You can find
what you've become. ♪
(dog barks)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
Future generations,
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
Sacks. Touchdowns.
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
In the toilet.
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
Sometimes I feel like I--
Smoked everything in sight.
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
(material flapping)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!