You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Pin in My Grenade - full transcript

Jimmy and Gretchen reveal that they're forgoing a traditional wedding, opting instead for a Courthouse elopement.

I think I follow too many porn sites.

- How many do you follow?
- So many.

But I'm paranoid if I cut one,

I'm gonna miss out on
some really good stuff.

Well, then don't unfollow any.

But every time I pick up my phone,

it takes me, like, an hour to
scroll through everything.

Longer if I get all
horned up in the middle.

Yeah... No, actually, it sounds like

you're in a terrible dilemma,
about which I empathize fully.

Aw, thanks, Jimmy.

You see, I didn't try to fix
your problem, I just empathized,

like you taught me, like a girl.

I appreciate that. I feel very heard.

- Hmm.
- Now fix my problem.

So, hey.

You know how you guys have been
visiting wedding planners,

and no one's lived up to your standards?

- We think we know why.
- Because we've been

lying to them for our own amusement?

Great work, Eugène François
Vidocq, first private detective

and father of modern criminology.

Jimmy, please! We're talking.

It's because they don't know you.

Because we've been lying to them.

Really, Edgar, what part of...?

Who better to plan the
most important day

of your lives than the two most
important people in your lives?

So, first of all, we were
thinking something like

August 7... think about it:

midpoint of summer,
clear of any holidays.

9/11 is just around the corner.

Isn't August 7 your birthday?

I know it's Charlize Theron's.

Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.

Spitballing here... What if
we combine celebrations?

There's not going to be a wedding.

- What?! No.
- This is your natural goddamn end point

- we're working toward here...
- You guys cannot break up again.

It's like we keep doing the
same thing over and over,

and it's too much for my heart.

You're like two ruined
ladies from the past...

You're the pin in my grenade,

- and you do not want to pull that pin!
- So close to having

- the birthday of my dreams.
- Oh, my God, shut up.

Look, we're getting married,
we're just not having a wedding.

In, like... ten hours.

We're eloping, suckas!

Wasting hella time with those
bunk-ass wedding planners

made us realize we can just
walk right into the courthouse

and do this damn thing like
we're paying a parking ticket.

Oh, but that reminds me, I have,
like, 20 parking tickets to pay.

Well, let's bring them. Where are they?

I can't believe this is happening.

Come on, let's go lay down.

So, what you up to today,

besides locking yourself down a hunk?

Coffee, e-mail... might
try to squeeze in

a little nap before lunch. You?

Oh, I've got my first meeting
for the movie adaptation

of The Width of a Peach.

So, I have to drive to the west
side, which is a whole thing.

Ugh. Eat dicks, west.

Oh, um... this came in the post for you.

Well, I am off. I shall return a
much maligned Hollywood elite.

I'll see you at 4:30.

Oh, we'll be right by
the two-dollar theater.

They're showing that Liam
Neeson zeppelin movie.

He wasn't asking for trouble.

Trouble found him.


It's finally happening.

Called it, I called it!

It's mine. I called it.

Hot, hot, not.

- Maybe without the braces.
- Gretch?

Has your office gotten bigger
or have I gotten smaller?

Neither. I have had my eye
on this office for years,

so I took advantage of the
current cultural climate

and enacted some personal reparations

on behalf of women everywhere.

You "Me Too-ed" a dude for his office?

You know it! And here's the best part.

Holy shit.

A bathroom in an office?

It's like Inception for pooping.

Oh, and it has one of those
fancy Japanese toilets

that washes your butt when
you forget how to wipe.

- Ah!
- But, but...

Prima nocta, bitch.

I break him in.

So, what's up?

I really think you're going to
regret not having a wedding.

Oh, my God, Lindsay.

Just rent out a Chuck
E. Cheese or something.

This isn't about our birthday/wedding.

I just wanted to tell
you marriage is hard.

Your wedding day is
the one day it's fun.

Seriously, it's all
downhill after the wedding.

That's just gravity.

You're gonna go against gravity?

I don't think so, Sandra Bullock,

star of the hit film Gravity.

- What?
- I want a party!

Lindsay, stop.

Eloping is fine because the point

is being hitched, not getting hitched,

and if you'd ever actually
been in love, you'd know that.

Why-why would you say that?

Because when you divorced Paul,

you told me you'd never been in love.

Okay, whatever.

I have to go to day work.

You forgot your dry cleaning.

It's not my dry cleaning.

It's actually a wedding dress
I stole for you from work.

I brought it in case you
didn't want to look shitty

at your fake-ass non-wedding.

- Gretchen?
- I called it!

No, we just wanted to thank you
for speaking out about Ryan.

Ryan? Wait. This guy?

He really was a harasser?

U-Um, yeah.

Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.

I am a hero.

We're just so excited, Jimmy.

I still can't believe that my
book is being made into a movie.

Well, believe it.

Oh, I absolutely believe
it. I was being folksy.

This thing is getting great
reads all over town.

We're starting to hear takes next week.

Takes? Oh, brilliant.

And obviously, we'll run
the screenwriter by you,

as a courtesy, you know.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

And if you have any suggestions,

we definitely want you to feel heard.

Wait, why would you hire someone else

to write the movie of my book?


Great, you want to throw
your hat in the ring?

That's fantastic.

- Uh...
- Yeah.

Why don't you come back in once
you've nailed down your take?

- Dan.
- Okay?

- Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
- Ooh.

Great seeing you, Jim.

Uh, that must be that,
uh, big 1:00 meeting.

I really should...

What's a take?

Stubborn bitch is being
such a stubborn bitch.

She doesn't deserve that toilet.

Lindsay, you're-you're hurting my...

She said I've never been in love.

How dare she criticize my love life

when she's eloping like a poor?

This is bad, Lindsay. Think about it.

If they're cutting us out
of this, what's next?

- Vacations?
- Dog adoptions.

- Babies?
- Shopping montages.

- Funerals?
- That dress was our last hope,

and she didn't even look at it.

Oh, this elopement is a slippery slope.

And we're sliding, Lindsay,
we're sliding fast.

That's it.

I have to convince him
to have a wedding.

Oh, buddy.

Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.

- Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet...
- What?!

Edgar, Jimmy is smart.

And you're, well, Edgar.

I'm smart.

I've been tricking Jimmy into
letting me live in his house

for the last three years.

Hate to break it to you,

but you're the dumb one of the group.

What? No. You're the dumb one.

- No, I'm the hot one.
- I'm the hot one.

The reason you think

someone else is the
dumb one of the group

is because that's what the
dumb one's supposed to think

to protect them,

'cause if you were dumb
and sad at the same time,

then you'd kill yourself.

Now stick it back in
me somewhere, dummy.

I'm not the dumb one,
you're the dumb one.


Gretchen. Gretchen?

Gretchen, are you okay? Gretchen!

- Gretchen, is our session today?
- How's Iowa?

Oh, wait, literally no one
cares about anyone in Iowa.

Anyway, I am eloping today.

And you feel conflicted about it?

Uh, hell no.

I feel great about it.

They teach you to jump to conclusions

in titty-sucking bitch
school? I'm sorry.

- I know we're working on that.
- Thank you.

I meant titty-sucking bitch university!

Oh! Goddamn it, I am killing it today.

Gretchen, I have work to do.

So, I was 100 on this eloping thing,

and then this box showed up

with this dumb wedding dream book

I made as a kid.

And I'm still into eloping, I just...

I don't know.

I'm just mad pissed.

I told my simple-ass brother

about this whole thing in
secret, and he went and blabbed

to his depressed postpartum sad wife.

It's like, maybe focus on keeping her

from drowning my nephew,
you loose-lipped dickwad.

Jesus Christ, Gretchen,
what is going on with you?

It's this stupid book!

And on top of that,

Lindsay brought me a wedding dress.

It's like the universe wants
me to have a wedding?

Sounds like you're more in
touch with what you want

then you realize, and if
you're still having doubts...

I should try the dress on?

I was gonna say go for a
run, but sure, Gretchen,

try on the dress and see
how you feel about it.


I'm glad I figured that out.

I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.

It's $150.

And you owe me for three months.

Anyways, I... I hope you
and Boone figure it out.


Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.

Gretchen, you listen
to me very carefully.

Do not marry...

Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.


Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.

How dare they make me audition

to write the movie version of my book?

It's illogical

and insulting.

And if that's the way
that this industry works,

then I shan't be party to any of it.

- No, I shan't indeed.
- Hey.

Let's not talk shop today.

Um, a toast. To your wedding.

Since we won't actually

- be there, I just want to say...
- Edgar, Edgar,

Edgar, please, just save
yourself the mental exertion

you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.

- No, but you...
- Moreover,

if you truly knew us,

you would understand the
heterodox iconoclastic nature

of a spontaneous elopement

perfectly captures the renegade
tale of our amorous union.

- So just save it.
- Ugh, fine.

I did bring you here to
convince you to have

a real wedding,

but you painted such a
beautiful word salad just now,

I've changed my mind.

I guess Lindsay was right... I
am the dumb one of the group.

Well, I guess eloping does make sense

considering all the people
whose weddings you've heckled

over the years who'd just
show up to bring you down.

Please! I am un-bring-down-able.

Nah, but weddings aren't.

Remember what you did
to Becca and Vernon's?

Ugh, what a low-rent,

tacky affair.

I mean, the horrid music,
the wretched decor,

my God, the food.

There was nary a burrata bar to be seen.

Ooh, what kind of food would you have?

Oh, well, my wedding would
be catered by Roy Choi,

- obviously.
- Oh, man, I love him.

The flowers would have

to be sourced same-day from
the flower mart, of course.

Color palette: Claude
Monet, Rouen Cathedral,

West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Day of the event, fade in.

It's dawn at Adamson House,

and the fog is dense
over the Pacific Ocean,

like a perfect Christmas pudding.


I'll have what I'm having.

And then a tasteful fireworks
display over the ocean,

scored to Mahler's Ich bin
der Welt abhanden gekommen,

would bring to a close
the greatest wedding

in the history of matrimony.

Resetting the very bar to
which all couples aspire.

As espoused by Will Smith

as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch,

"Life is not the amount
of breaths you take,

it's the moments that
take your breath away."


That shit was beautiful, bro.

So when's this wedding?

Oh, that was all
hypothetical, lowly barkeep.

In fact, my fiancée and
I are eloping at...

...45 minutes ago.

Oh, dear God!

- What'd you do, bro?
- Jimmy, no. Jimmy.

She thinks I've abandoned her. Again.

Oh, no, Jimmy.

I guess you have no choice

but to throw a real wedding.

Oh, God.

This is my fault. This
was my plan all along.

Well, not this. Just the
part where I bamboozle you

into wanting a real wedding.

I didn't mean for you to leave
Gretchen at the non-altar.

- I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
- Yeah, right.

We've already established
that you're the dumb one.

Nice try, though, dummy.

Quick, give me a tube
sock and some nickels.

I'll work you over,
basic training style,

and Gretchen will think you
got jumped outside City Hall.

Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot

would agree to something like that?

Do it.

Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.

This is really hard for me.

I'm sorry, I thought I'd long
ago lost my survival instinct,

along with my gag
reflex. Oh, goddamn it!

I can't believe I missed my wedding.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Gretchen, Gretchen.

I know this seems like a giant deal now,

but in a few years, when
you and Jimmy are...

Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen,

I thought surprising you would
work, but it worked too good.


- Again.
- What?

No. Honey, once was hard enough.

I-I couldn't possibly...

That's for saying I've
never been in love.

Oh, Jesus, but it's true!

Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!

How do I look?

Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.


Sorry I said the thing about
you never being in love.

It's okay. It's true.

Just hurts to hear it out loud.

Oh, no.

My Snapple was in there.

I don't smell smoke.

And her car's not here.

Oh, I... I guess we're safe for now.

I wonder if there's a way
that we can convince her

that you manipulated me
into missing the wedding?

Oh, you mean my plan I actually did?

Yeah, but in my fictitious
version, it worked.

Okay, listen, Gretchen,

I can... Oh, my God!

What happened?!

Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.

I got in an insane accident.

Like, an inch away from
being decapitated,

Final Destination insane.

Oh, Jesus, are... are you hurt?

Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.

Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.

Listen, the-the last thing
I'd want you to think is

that I'd abandoned you... again.

And, uh, it's been
absolutely killing me.

Wait. You didn't show up?

I mean, you didn't show up.

You didn't show up!

Oh, what is wrong with you?

You left me standing
there in this dress?

Do you know how stupid I looked?

Do you know how humiliated I was?

I'm so, so sorry.

You left me standing there,

waiting for you

on the street!

Crying like I'm in some bad movie.

All the other couples in
line were laughing at me!

A homeless man hugged me

'cause he felt so bad!

What is wrong with you, Jimmy?


Oh, Gretchen.

You just couldn't help
yourself, could you?

What are you talking about?

You little ginger fool. You say

you were "waiting on the street"

because you imagined City Hall

was just some sort of kiosk

or storefront, didn't you?

No. I...

Because you've never been there.

Not to pay a parking ticket,

not to get married.

You didn't show up either!

Yes, I did. Why would I
be wearing this dress

- if I didn't?
- See, when I mistakenly

drank through our City Hall wedding,

Edgar's first instinct was to
use his penchant for violence

to make it look as though I
was set upon by ruffians.

Now something tells me, as the
twin dummies of the group,

Lindsay had a similar moronic idea.

It was my moronic idea!

Mm. Uh...


I missed it, too.

- Sit down, Gretchen.
- No.

- Oh, come on. We can figure this out.
- No.

I know. I just can't sit down right now.

I missed the wedding

'cause I was banging my new toilet.

It's a long story.

Actually, it's not.

I just said the whole thing.

So, neither of us showed.

Do you think there's
some deeper meaning?

Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.

I think I want a wedding.

A wedding? Are you mad?

He wants one, too!

Tell her about the fog,
Jimmy. The Christmas fog.


Dear Gretchen,

if you're watching this,
it's because I died.

Just kidding!

It's because we're getting married!

If everything's gone
according to the plan,

you're a hot 22-year-old
marine biologist

who's engaged to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.


- He's so cute.
- You're no JTT, pal.

Okay. So this is the must-have section.

A French lace gown
with a ten-foot train,

a chocolate fountain.

New Kids on the Block will perform.

For the complete list, refer

to the must-haves section in our book.

I know it sounds fun, but
marriage can be really scary.

So, if you ever get
nervous, just remember

you're making me really happy.

And don't forget to run
everything by Mom,

or you'll have to eat dinner

in the scary room for bad
girls under the stairs.

So should we pick a date?

- August 7 is a nice...