You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - No Longer Just Us - full transcript

"Simon and Kitty stood before.

"Pauline's crumbling
fieldstone marker.

"Moments later,
in a nearby crypt,

"Simon repeatedly
plunged into Kitty,

"the sounds of their passion

"mixing with the wet summer air

and the cicadas' desperate,
deafening, doomed song."

The end.

I inspired the ending!

You should put in the part
about pulling out

so she doesn't have
a ghost baby.

Just kidding.

I think it's perfect.
I am so happy with it.

I mean, a theme that
I hadn't planned on exploring

was the fallacy
of the very concept

of the familial paradigm in art.

I mean, the idea still persists

that family, somehow,

automatically
prescribes closeness.

Family is portrayed as

a safe harbor, but nay,

it is often the very Charybdis
that yanks us to the fathoms.

But not you, buddy. Not me.

I am post-family.

You are looking, finally,
at a truly free man.

Like Thoreau.

Or the Unabomber.

So...

are we okay?

Oh, my God, do we really
have to do thi...?

Nope, nope, just checking.

(groans)

Did you hear about this murder
off Mulholland?

What?

Yeah, it was four days ago.

They found this girl.

And... oh, that is gruesome!

(gasps) "Murder, She Tweeted"?

How do I not follow
this account?

(gasps)

Her head was chopped off.

Her blood was drained?

Bloody symbols on the rocks?

(squeals) Jimmy!

This happened
right near our house.

It could've been me!

Can we go look?

No way!

It sounds very scary.

Jimmy.

(clears throat,
then blows twice)

Please?

Please. Oh.

Please?

(imitates a dog begging)

Fine!

You creepy, creepy murder girl.

Yay!

They say, when a murder scene
is fresh,

you can still smell
the fear in the air.

And afterwards, we can swing
by Echo Park and get paletas.

♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway.

♪ (sizzling)

Anyway, the show's called
Doug Loves Sketches,

and it's a full-time gig.

Like, this is what I'm
doing for a living now.

I'm a comedy writer.

Hey, can I get some salty
black sauce for this egg rice?

Yeah. Where's your food?

Oh, I only have enough left
for Jimmy.

Anyway, I'm super excited,

but I'm also kind of nervous
to tell Dorothy.

'Cause you're writing
for an Internet show

and nobody cares about that?

She's been really low lately

and this might
hurt her feelings.

So what?

Brah, she's taking
that "D" on the reg;

It's her job to support you.

You got to speak up

and tell people what you want.

You are the master

of your own destiny.

Don't be a martyr.

I was a martyr.

I almost martyred my husband,

but I didn't.

You're right, Lindsay.

I should put myself first.

So,

can I have some
of your breakfast sushi?

Sorry, I licked it all already.

This is gonna be so rad.

Maybe they marked
where the body is

and I can lie down in it

and experience her terror.

(Jimmy scoffs, phones chime)

BOTH: Oh!

Oh, my God, It's so ugly.

It looks like the fox
in the Nine Inch Nails video

(phones continue chiming)
that's being eaten by ants.

It looks like it should be
screaming at an old lady

in an Aphex Twin video.

Why is its face so swollen?

Did Becca give birth
directly over a beehive?

Even at an illegal baby mill,
they'd be like,

"Yeah, that's okay. We're good."

BOTH: Aw.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, shitsticks!

Jimmy, Five-O!

Good spotting, Goose.

(tires peel out)

♪

(tires screech)

JIMMY: Hup!

Yeah? 17 seconds. New record.

Okay.

(air hissing)

(opens folder) PAUL: Okay.

Page one... preliminary
settlement offer.

(chuckles softly)

You're supposed to write it
on a piece of paper

and slide it over.

Watch.

Here's my initial offer.

This is just a drawing of a cat.

It's just a starting point.

It's called a negotiation.

Now, you go.

My initial spousal
support offer is $2,000.

Accepted! (Clears her throat)

$2,000 a month, Lindsay.

I know, that's so much money.

I accept.

Negotiations are over.

You know, you have to pay
for your own apartment.

Great. How much are apartments,
like two hundo?

So, that's good.

No, Lindsay.

It's bad.

It's really, really bad.

(laughs)

I'm cucking you now.

I'm the hot wife.

I do not like
this piece of paper.

I'm finally getting what I want,

and what I want

is to watch you burn.

(gasps) Oh, yes.

Burn!

(cackling)

(clears his throat)

Okay.

Page two... 401K distributions.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Edgar Quintero.

I have a meeting with Doug.
Oh, sure.

Have a seat, Mr. Benson
will be right with you.

Oh, uh, hey.

What happened
to the other assistant?

She died.

Mugging in broad daylight.

Fortunately, the guy she mugged
is gonna be fine.

(laughs) It's a joke.

It was stomach cancer.
She went quick.

(typing on keyboard)

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Do you like your job?

It's pretty great.

It really suits my lifestyle.

I just sit around all day,
answer some calls.

You're supposed to throw away
your personal food

at the end of the week,
but a lot of people don't.

Gwen might be done
with that açaí bowl,

but Dutch isn't.

(soft chuckle)

Well, would you ever give up
your job for a relationship?

Whoa, uh...

Well, that is completely
out of the blue.

Edgar.

Come on in.

Thanks.

What's up?

Uh, listen, Doug.

I can't do the show.

My girlfriend...

Sloppy-blowjob Dorothy?

W-What? Um...

A-Anyway, she's...

she's been going through
a really tough time,

and I feel like
my having this opportunity

is making her feel worse.

I see.
Well, I'll be sad to see you go.

(intercom beeps)
Dutch, can you get me UTA?

I need some lower level
writer résumés.

I don't know,
maybe I'm making a mistake.

I'm supposed to be supporting
her, but really, by quitting,

I'm not standing up
for my needs,

which is ultimately bad
for our relationship.

So, maybe I shouldn't quit.

Oh, cool!

So, you just came into my office
to not quit.

That's a pretty
good use of my time.

So now I get to go
to your house with a sandwich

and be like,
"I don't want this sandwich."

But then say, "I want this
sandwich," and then explain why?

So, I get to do that now? Sure.

That's actually
a really great bit.

Get a camera,
shoot it over the weekend.

I'll get Andy Richter
to play the sandwich

and I'll see you on Monday.

All right.

Cool.

All right, man.

I just e-mailed Doug
my letter of resignation.

What?

I'm willing to try this

with you, dude.

I really don't think I'm gay,

but is my life so perfect

that I can afford
to be closed off?

And when you think about it,

homosexuality really

suits my lifestyle...

Sitting around,

chugging cold ones,
playing vids...

What? No.
Assume you got to suck a dick

once in a while, but whatever.

I've put weirder things
in my mouth.

I-I-I was talking about me

and my girlfriend.

What?

Oh, no!

I just told Doug Benson I quit

and to kiss my gay ass!

He's been nothing
but nice to me!

Why do I keep doing this?

(sighs, chuckles)

Hey-hey, Doug.

DOUG: What the hell is going on?

It was... I'm not gay.
Are you kidding?

I mean, I might be gay, but
I'm not... I don't think I am.

GRETCHEN: (groans) I can't get
an Uber to pick me up.

I think my rating's too low.
What's yours?

JIMMY: Oh, bad.
Apparently, they don't like it

when you call multiple companies

and make them race
to pick you up.

(phone chimes)

(both yelling)

Becca's gonna be the worst mom.

You can tell just by looking

at a kid, if they have
good or bad parents.

Well, how?

(children shouting) Okay.

See that kid...
Black dress socks,

stained shirt?

His parents don't give a shit.

Now, that one

with the perfect fade, pressed
shirt, he's totally hot.

His parents care a shit ton.

When I'm a mom, my kid is
gonna look fly as hell

'cause I'm gonna care
the shit out of that kid.

That kid's not that hot.

Now, that kid,

he's tanned a perfect bronze,

his bod is banging.

He doesn't even have a six-pack.

(gasps) Check out midriff.

Oh! That ass!

Like it was carved

out of marble. I think
you two should leave.

How dare you?! (scoffs)
Who even becomes

a third-grade teacher anyhow?
This has nothing

to do with you. "Oh, I'm
not nurturing enough to be a"

"kindergarten teacher, This
is between us and the urchins.

"But I can't quite master compound
sentences. Why don't you just

go back to your job, you old cow?
Where do I belong?"

(phone chimes)

(gasps) Hey,

my therapist is at Edendale.

Want to come watch me
yell at her?

You mean, instead of going
to the murder place?

Oh, hell no. On the way.

I just need you to see
how awesome I've gotten

at heckling her.

I found out she has diabetes...

Really opened things up,

high-ass sugar-having bitch.

JIMMY: Huh, then we'll stop by
the house and pick up the car.

Can you at least

give me some money up-front
to get started?

Please.

(clicks tongue)

(sighs)

(camera clicks)

(chuckles)

Did you just actually open up
a bank app and deposit it

or did you just
take a photo of it?

What are you talking about?

Did you observe people
using e-check deposit

and now, as a result,

think you can just take a photo

and it magically goes
into your bank account?

(chuckling) Oh, my God.

This is so freeing.

(laughing)

I can finally say it.

You are so stupid!

Why does no one talk about

how dumb she is?

She's like the dumbest person

on the planet!

50 years ago, she would be

sterilized for the good of evolution.
I'm not so

stupid that I couldn't get you
to let me bone another guy

in front of you
and make you think

it was for our marriage.

(restrained laughter) Get out!

Out!

(door opening) BECCA:
Uh, excuse you.

Ooh...

Look who's here!

(chuckling) Remember?

That talking baby movie?

Look Who's Here?

Well, I'll tell you who's here.

Tallulah. Ooh, ooh.

(in baby voice)
It's me, you turkeys.

(Becca chuckling)

I'm ready, Vernon.

I'm ready to start
a new life in Méjico

and find a woman
who really loves me.

What?

Oh. Nah,

I hadn't met the baby
when I said that.

I love her so
goddamn much, nerd.

Plus, I can't leave
her with Bec.

She will JonBenét her fo' sho',

or leave her on a bench at
the Marina del Rey Rosé Fest

or some shit.

You're really giving up
those big naturals?

Huh.

(scoffs)

(singsongy) Tallulah.

Uh, sorry, Paul.

You're not part of
this family anymore.

(chuckles) You know,
when I was in high school,

you wouldn't have existed to me.

Now, we can just return to
that natural state of things.

(baby coos)

Hi.

Vernon?

Just go.

Get out of here, nerd.

But...

Go on.

Get! Ah...

(chuckles)

(door closes)

Gretchen! Ha!

Found you again, dummy,

just followed the trail
of insulin needles.

(all laughing)

I pictured her so much taller
and more muscular.

You told them about me?

You're not allowed
to talk about me.

I'm so glad you came.

I Foursquared it,
just hoping you'd see.

Oh, hey, hey.

Do... do that thing
where you call me names.

(chuckling) Ooh, yes, yes, yes.

Like...

titty-sucking bitch?

(laughter)

Oh, I am going to
miss that, Gretchen.

Actually, I'm...

I'm leaving town.

My boyfriend got into
the dramaturgy program

at the University of Iowa.

So, I feel like I need
to support him in that.

He doesn't even have a car.

He uses Justina's

credit card when he
buys her presents.

Okay, shut up, you
guys. He's on a path.

You're choosing your boyfriend
over your career?

Oh, that's a terrible example
for women.

And diabetics!

(laughter)

She's amazing.

Can I have her?

No! Look, we can still

do Skype sessions, right?

Iowa has got the
Internet, I think.

Okay.

I'm gonna show you
my titties, though,

and then you're gonna
try to suck on them

through the screen.

(laughter) MAN: Oh, my God.

When you first came to me,
you were out of touch,

even with your most rudimentary
behavioral patterns,

but you have done the work

and you have grown so much.

And I'm proud of you.

(voice breaking) Bitch.

Bitch to you, too, Gretchen.

(sniffles)

Mm-mm.

(scoffs)

♪

Hey!

So, Doug Benson offered me
a full-time staff job

and I wasn't gonna take it

because I didn't
want you to feel bad,

but instead,
I decided to keep it,

because I'm becoming
a real person,

which in turn,

will make me a
better partner for you.

Isn't that great?

Uh, slow down.

He offered you a staff job
and you were gonna

turn it down because of me? But

I didn't. And now,

I can support you
while things are tough.

What?

I'm not gonna make it.

What? (Clicks tongue)

Why would you say that?
Because I'm not, Edgar.

I'm not, okay? Face it.

And the mere fact that you were
even thinking of turning down

this amazing gig

because you feel sorry for me

means you don't love me.

You pity me. That's not love.

I don't want that.

I'm moving back to
Jacksonville, Edgar.

N-No. What?

No, uh, then-then...

Then I'll come with you.

I-I love Texas...

The barbecues, rodeos, South By.

No, Florida.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. That's way worse.

Look, I don't want you
to martyr yourself for me.

I want you to stay here
and have your dream.

But what about your dream?

Not everybody gets their dream.

Hey, if you know anybody

who wants to take over my lease,
will you let me know?

Thank you

for being a wonderful boyfriend.

(chuckles) I'm sorry.

I failed.

♪

BECCA: You've had enough?
VERNON: Who's hungry?

You've had enough? Who's hungry?

No? Who's hungry?

Not hungry? (Coos)

So, um...

is that formula only for babies,

or can hungry big boys
get in on it, too?

(gasps)

Ew.

Don't you listen to him.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

(grunts) You got her?

I got her. Careful, careful.

Hi, Tallulah.

Who wants the blues? No, no.

No one wants that.
(plays harmonica)

♪ Weird poop in my diaper

Just change her,
for God's sakes.

♪ Spit-up on my chin.

Can I live at your house again?

You mean, until a week from now
when you change your mind

and decide to move back in
with SpongeNerd SquareFace?

It's over for real this time.
(chuckles)

He called me stupid.

Can you believe that?

What? No!

You? What?

I know. Well, I just don't know

if we have the ability
to house another baby,

you know, even if it
is being raised

by a financially
disadvantaged single mother.

There's no baby.

It'll just be me.

Well, you would have to be
Tallulah's full-time nanny.

Josefina quit because Vernon
kept shooting Nerf darts at her

while she vacuums. VERNON: Yes!
My kid just

dropped a major duke!
Don't worry, Beck,

I got this. I have to admit,

part of me is jealous.

It's gonna be at least 18 years

before I can divorce Vernon,

cut my hair off,

get a golden retriever,

wear chunky knits,

and just redo my kitchen.

Over and over, forever.

If I were you,
I would revel in my freedom.

Yeah. VERNON: Babe,

can I get a little help up here?
Freedom.

Babe, baby, babe, help me!
Babe, help me!

You know, so I realized
I can't live with Becca.

I need freedom.

Hey, are you sure she's gone?

I'm sorry.

I liked that rando.

I know.

This is so weird.

I'm still not even sure
what exactly happened.

I never understand anything
that happens to me.

Are you okay?

I think, once she said it,

part of me wanted her to go.

She was kind of bumming me out.

(scoffs)

How horrible is that of me?

I mean, it's not
supposed to work like that.

Right?

And then it does.

Are you gonna be okay here?

Even though I'm alone and broke

and live in the poorest
apartment in the world...

I feel good. Good!

I'll be by in the morning
to help you...

spruce this place up.
Thanks, Edgar.

I'll buy you a pizza...

Hmm! Oh, wait. I just remembered

I don't have any money.
Can you bring me a pizza?

No.

Good boy.

(sighs)

(door closes)

(man and woman arguing
indistinctly)

(siren wailing) (pipes clanging)

(shouting and clanging continue)

(gasps)

Jimmy! (Symphonic music playing)

Jimmy! (Gasps)

Oh, my God,

it's so scary! (Gasps)

Jimmy!

What does it mean?

(whimpers) Jimmy...

I want to touch it.
Can I touch it?

(chuckling)
Oh, Jimmy, I'm gonna touch it.

(shrieks, screams)

(laughing) Jimmy!

(crying) Jimmy!

What are you doing?

The world is absolutely lousy

with people,

and I hate them all.

I hate everyone...

but you.

Yeah. I hate everyone else, too.

Now, let's look for clues.

You did something
really horrible for us.

You went to therapy,
and for me you did this.

And thus, you deserve
as grand a gesture in return.

And since I am 100%
psychologically sound

and do not need therapy
of any kind...

Gretchen,

extraordinary,
confounding Gretchen,

she who emits more energy than

a dying galaxy,
despite not washing her legs,

together we transcend

the... mundanity down there.

Separate, it shall eventually
consume us and turn us

as mundane as them,
and to allow that to happen

simply because we were scared

would be a criminal act.

Wait, but the murder...?

I made it up.

The article?
The Twitter account?

Me.

The DUI checkpoint?

Oh, no. That was real. No,
we were way lucky on that one.

(laughter)

Jimmy,

yeah, n... Wait. (Sniffles)

You haven't actually asked yet.
I am not doing that again.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

(laughter)

(symphonic music
continues playing)

You made a murder for me!

(crying and sniffing)

(music stops, cheering)

Hey, uh, you ever

boned down during
the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?

I mean, of course.

Yeah, me, too, but not
as an engaged person.

Oh... (mouths)

I'll get us a hoodie
from the car to lie on.

Hurry back.

This fits, you know?

You lost your dad, but...

you gained me. (Chuckles)

We're a family.

That's pretty cool, right?

We're no longer just

whatever we were.

We're no longer... just us.

We're a family now.

♪

(giggles)

♪ If you go down to Heaven

♪ You'll never come back

GRETCHEN: Whoo!

♪ In my opinion

♪ You're

♪ On the wrong track ♪

♪ We'll always love you

♪ But

♪ That's not the point

(car engine starts)

♪ Ooh...

♪ Ooh

♪ Throwing yourself away

♪ Not even trying

♪ Come on ♪ Come on ♪

♪ You're

♪ Lying

♪ To me.

(vocalizing)

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH