You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Pancakes - full transcript
On the day of their wedding, Jimmy and Gretchen grapple with the meaning of marriage.
♪ Oh, lover, send me secrets ♪
♪ Down there from the dark fume
of the fire ♪
♪ Into the garden
we would walk ♪
♪ And ball your body
into wire... ♪
- You! Clean that window.
- Yes, sir.
Pistachios?
This isn't a baseball game.
No, you want to present the
plate... aioli smear at 12:00,
and for God's sake,
call them servilletes.
All good.
Smashing. No notes.
Atención!
Hello, help.
In my history
as a wedding guest,
I have successfully heckled
so many ceremonies, people are
gonna be gunning for us today.
Thus, our nuptials
must be absolutely flawless.
So, in the tradition
of punching a bully
to demonstrate one's gravitas,
you, ma'am,
are sacked.
You have been made redundant.
You are proper on the dole now.
Let that be a warning
to you all.
Oh, and have fun!
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Season 05 Episode 13
*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Episode Title: "Pancakes"
Jimmy! Blessed day.
Really, just jacked to shit.
I love you so goddamn much.
Anyfarts, what are you
doing out here?
Editing my vows,
but now I've pulled a thread.
It's all starting to unravel.
I did that to a sweater once.
You hear Gretchen's vows yet?
No, but I cannot wait.
You know
they're gonna be so emo.
I hope
she cries so hard she vomits.
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, welcome, guys.
We can't see each other.
Gretchen.
- Missed you.
- Huh, glad they're
- on good terms again.
- Hurry, hand it over.
What's he handing her?
I don't know.
That was weird.
Anyjunk, what's up?
Why'd you need me early?
Last-minute titty bar?
No. You're best man now.
What?
What?!
No. No.
Oh, my God!
Well, well, well.
Here comes my big apology.
Vernon, you're no longer
best man.
Oh, okay. That's-that's fine.
I'm fine.
- All right. Let's have it.
- Let's have what?
The begging, the groveling.
Perhaps one of your
signature pancakes
with "sorry" spelled out
in frosting.
Oh, no, I meant what I said.
I just came to bring you
your rings.
Oh, shit. Right, yeah.
I was, uh, about to text you
for these.
Katie Overholser
was not the kind
of girl you could ignore,
so when she went missing...
What are you doing?
Waiting here in case
you change your mind
and need a quick getaway.
And it was that swiftness,
with which the search
for Katie began,
that would, four days later,
lead to her death.
You're best man again.
Wow!
What a roller coaster!
It tastes so much sweeter
now that it was taken away.
Your first order of business:
get rid of Edgar.
Hey, Paul.
Lindsay.
Perhaps you can help me.
It says I'm assigned
to Table 13,
but I don't see any other guests
assigned to that table.
Cool mystery.
Hey, it was really nice
talking on the phone last night.
It was, wasn't it?
I'm glad to see I'm not the
only one here without a date.
- Oh, I'm actually...
- Here you go, lover.
Thank you. Keep the change.
Seriously? Whoa.
No one ever tips
at the Froyo store.
I've thought about
putting a cup out,
but it just feels desperate,
you know?
- You brought the Froyo guy?
- I didn't want to come alone.
Anyway, I better get this
Bride Fuel to Gretchen.
See you boys later.
Hey, got any errands
you need done for tips?
Actually, would you see what you
can find out about Table 13?
Will do, boss.
Okay, it's on.
Hold on!
You're going to want this moment
captured forever.
Okay, come out. Let's see it.
It's so beautiful.
Oh.
Gretchen.
I can't believe this day
is finally here.
Oh, if you make me cry,
I'll kill you.
I mean, think about all the men
it took to get here.
- All right.
- So, so many men.
So many men...
that I wrote a song about it.
It's called.
"The Very Last Dick."
No.
I love you, though.
Well, I love you, too.
Just a few lines?
I rhyme Horatio and fel...
No, no, no, no. Shh.
Mmm.
- It's Jimmy.
- Jimmy.
There they are.
All right.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'd still do him.
- Nice suit.
- Hello.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Yeah, excuse me.
- Groom advice. - Advice.
- Yeah, thank you.
For the groom, excuse me.
Just know that she's
never gonna change.
Lindsay sure didn't.
Well, until she wanted to plow
other guys in front of me.
That was a rather seismic shift.
- Yeah, cuck, bye.
- But, hey, I have earthquake insurance.
Jimmy, never go back.
Oh, wait, that's the tagline
for Jack Reacher 2.
Did you know that Tom Cruise
is actually six-foot-one?
If you want to add that
to your vows, Jimmy, go ahead.
What?
Ah...
I've been reading
about you in the trades.
- Shame about your movie.
- Mm-hmm.
But you'll sell another one.
Or get staffed.
You have to, because you're
marrying my daughter,
which means you're responsible
for her now, forever.
Yeah, unlike you.
Cheers, bye-bye.
Oh, this is great, Jimmy.
All weddings should open
with alcohol times.
I got blue one and other one.
- What happened?
- I slept with my Uber driver last night.
Well, well, well. I am so
happy for the two of you.
Look, just say whatever
awful thing you're gonna say.
No, I'm serious. I think you
guys are perfect for each other.
- That said...
- Here we go.
...since you're not
technically married yet,
my pregnancy hormones
have made me extra squishy.
- Everyone here's an alcoholic.
- Jimmy!
He's coming, he's coming,
he's coming, he's coming.
- See?
- You're right.
Jimmy! What a beautiful day.
I got goose bumps already.
It reminds me of my nuptials,
except, you know,
less timelessly elegant.
- Uh, was I there?
- Yes.
Yes, yes, great event.
So lovely.
Listen, what did you fellas
hand Gretchen this morning?
- Uh, Forever Stamps.
- Passport photo for your honeymoon.
- Uh, cash, Mafia-style.
- Uh, ticket to Dudamel's Mahler cycle, yeah.
Bitcoins.
Okay, fine.
She asked us for coke.
She was worried she'd get too
drunk and ruin the special day.
Oh. Oh, well,
phew, what a relief.
I thought it was something bad.
No follow-ups.
There you are. The photographer
needs us around back.
Did you get rid of Edgar?
It's in process. Just get your
butt out there and look pretty.
Lindsay.
Huge emergency.
Edgar's in his car
and you need to get rid of him,
and I'm commandeering these
on behalf of the groom.
Nothing I do today counts. Bye!
So, you were sleeping together?
- Yeah, I mean...
- What?
How could she
not tell the attorney
that she used to date Kevin?
Fuck.
Jesus, Lindsay.
What the fuck are you doing
out here in your car?
I told Jimmy
not to marry Gretchen.
What?!
Edgar.
Jesus, you are the dumb one.
You killed the group.
That's why I didn't say
anything; it was just for us.
But you knew
it could be important.
Okay, now Charlie's Angels.
Twins poster.
You have four arms!
An Officer and a Gentleman.
I'm the lady.
Catch me!
Weekend at Bernie's.
Right, I think we're good, yeah?
I'll take the bride
and maid of honor next.
Quick, go that way
so you don't run into her.
Oh, my God, Jimmy, I'd hit it.
I was never sure before,
but now, yeah,
I'd definitely hit it.
Someone said that Vernon
was taking photos with Jimmy.
How come?
Uh, yeah, no biggie, but Vernon
is Jimmy's best man now.
Ooh, let's do the Stanky Legg.
What? Why? Where's Edgar?
The fiber testing...
- it failed spectacularly.
- No!
What is the D.A. doing?
The cops could've dragged in
those fibers on their shoes.
Most girlfriends would have
tolerated you for a month maybe.
But letting you stay with him
was, at times
of particular assholishness,
the one humanizing thing
about Jimmy.
Listen, I-I never meant to...
I wouldn't say a word.
I really wouldn't.
And while I liked you, Edgar,
the one thing I could never do
was respect you.
Because the first few times
it's like, "Hey,
be nicer to the guy."
But the next 2,000 times,
that's on you.
I know. That's why I'm here.
He is never going
to respect you.
Never. Never.
I'm just trying to stop him
from making a mistake.
I don't even pity you anymore.
I just hate you now.
Leave.
Leave now.
And it was.
They just threw out the case.
Hey, friend. Bad news.
There is no Table 13.
- I don't understand.
- Seems it's an old wedding joke
for someone
no one wants to sit with.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my. That's dispiriting.
Yeah, anyway,
why don't we say 50 bucks?
I'll give you $200 to leave.
Deal.
All right, Ben Folds.
Ready to get your socks
knocked off?
Whoa, that's delicious.
What the heck is it?
- It's called trash juice.
- Trash juice.
It's magnificent.
I knew I'd find you one day.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we will be opening the doors
to the main hall in 15 minutes.
Wait. What's "squishy"?
Everything.
Jimbo, I have
a very special guest. Aw-ooga!
MILF alert, MILF alert.
It's Gretchen's mom.
Just say whatever
you need to say.
It's not gonna change anything.
This was from her
great-grandmother, Gretchen.
She was similarly feisty.
I'd appreciate it if you'd give
it to her before the ceremony.
Something old.
A word of advice, Jimmy.
The more you love Gretchen
and try to take care of her,
the more she'll resent you.
I really love her.
I'm glad.
So, you and Katie were lovers?
That sounds so old-timey.
Look, Gretchen, I'm not leaving.
- Okay?
- Take me home, Dmitri.
I'm not your Lyft, Ben Folds.
For real?
Dang, I keep doing that.
I remember you.
You're friend
with that British guy.
How do you do it?
Adult friendships
are so hard to maintain.
Billy Corgan and I were
really close until that year
that I got the better greenroom
at Weenie Roast.
He never got over that.
Point is, you're lucky.
Okay, there's my ride.
Folds out, motherfucker.
And then she died.
Ah.
Ah, okay.
Hell yeah.
No, no, no!
I am not supposed to see you.
What are you doing in here?
You didn't write your vows?
What? What are you
even talking about?
I have them right... Oh, fine.
I had the boys help me.
You care so little
about this wedding that
you even farmed out your vows?
No. I care so much
that I hired a professional.
Shitstain had his first poem in
The New Yorker when he was 19.
You don't pick out the flowers,
you don't get
your own dress, fine.
But these, these are your vows!
They're a sacred pledge to me,
and you have someone else
write them?
Why do you even...?
Is Edgar getting in your head?
Is that what this is about?
No. What-what? No.
If what Edgar said
didn't affect you,
then why didn't you
tell me about it?
Admit it, you normally
wouldn't give two shits
if I didn't write my own vows.
You're looking for an excuse.
No, Gretchen.
I've been so busy justifying
your lack of participation
that I've ignored what you've
been trying to tell me:
- you don't want to get married.
- I'm not well!
No! You can't use that
as an excuse here.
- Your mom was right.
- Do not bring up my mom!
There's a part of you
that will resent me forever
if I marry you.
You hate constraints,
and that is what
I will forever be.
- This is insane!
- Do you want to marry me?
- I am here, aren't I?
- You're still not saying it.
I'm in a dress! My mom is here.
Say "I want to marry you."
Stop bullying me!
Fine!
I want to marry you!
I do. I want to marry you.
Goddamn it, Gretchen.
Well...
I-I don't think
that I want to marry you.
- You okay?
- It's an ambush.
I've been ambushed. Gretchen...
I know. I should have told you.
You knew? What, you knew?
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I think
it's time you guys talked.
They didn't tell you
I'd be here.
- Nope.
- Ah.
Yeah.
- Listen, I don't...
- How's New York?
Good. Loud.
Lots of triggers,
but I'm adapting.
I'm sorry for what I did
back then.
- I'm sorry.
- You should be.
It was inconceivably abhorrent.
I know.
But you were proved right.
It took me a while to admit it,
but it was, ultimately,
a rather brave and...
selfless act.
It wasn't selfless.
It was the only way
I could get away from you.
S-So, how are you?
Good.
Oh, really good.
I'm adapting a murder podcast.
- Ah.
- Yeah, it's...
taken years
to work out the rights,
but I'm interviewing
some writers while I'm in town.
Ah. Well, I would throw
my hat in the ring,
but I'm busy writing Depth.
Yes. You know, I read Height.
So good.
Man, those Victorians
were messed up.
So much spanking.
Ah, you don't know
the half of it.
You don't talk to me.
Come on. It's been long enough.
Besides, haven't you learned
by now that I'm always right?
Rawr!
Leave Uncle Edgar alone, baby.
You already caught him.
- Pick me up, Daddy.
- Yes, Miss Bossypants.
You met behind my back?
Earlier today.
I conned Edgar into playing
tiger with Felicity.
Come on, Wormy.
Let's go find the appetizers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that...?
Uh, the florist who essed
Jimmy's dee? Yes.
And it got all possible sexual
tension off the table forever,
thus the perfect nanny.
No danger of Afflecking here.
There they are.
What the hell are you guys
all doing out here?
You can't miss our first dance.
I mean, our second first dance.
Paul took lessons.
Yes. I'm all prepared
to do the Lindsay Hop.
Or perhaps I'll save that
particular move for tonight.
I don't know
what you're saying.
We'll be right there.
I love you.
- Hey, wait up.
- Ooh, we met Jimmy Fallon...
You mad?
Only murderously.
Though I suppose that dead
little heart of yours
- was in the right place.
- How'd it go with the house?
Well, it's officially
not ours anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry, bud.
But you know it was
a death trap for kids.
Yeah. How was your hotel?
Ugh, great.
You were right.
I couldn't get through
a month without drinking.
Ah.
But I did get digits.
Cute, too. Mama's still got it.
Oh, we should probably go in.
Watch Paul and Lindsay make
the same mistake twice.
First I'm gonna shake
all the presents.
They ripped off
our non-wedding venue,
they owe me a food processor.
Forgot my lighter.
I'll be right in.
- Oh.
- I see Katie's parents,
but they won't look at me.
The mood is tense.
The judge enters.
The jury enters,
looking tired, ragged.
- The forewoman Mary Elizabeth stands.
- Damn it, Jimmy.
We, the jury,
find the defendant...
Let me clear some space for you.
Jimmy!
Jimmy, no!
No, Jimmy.
It's not gonna be that easy
to leave me this time.
You knew who I was.
That's all you have to say?
That you're damaged?
I'm getting
straight into Edgar's car.
He's not here anymore, I...
Motherfucker!
Look.
I tried to write my vows. I did.
Many times, I tried with
all of this and I failed.
Mine are just as phony.
What?
Writing them, I couldn't
imagine myself up there
saying these things, so...
I wrote them as a character.
Named Theodore.
Writing to his future bride.
A character named Samantha.
Sammy to friends.
I had to pretend
to be someone who wants
to take care of someone
in sickness and health.
False concepts like "forever,"
"eternity," "until death."
Who wants to lie
in front of everyone they know
that they're gonna love
someone forever?
How can you know that?!
You can't!
I feel like we're not
going back inside.
You've been saying all along
that we might change.
Well, can you really promise
that your feelings
won't change 40 years from now?
20 years from now?
Five years from now?
This ceremony... is a fiction.
It's a false guarantee
that protects us
from exactly nothing.
It's novocaine.
It's an opiate.
It's a lie.
You were right.
I know.
I know I was.
So, instead of making
these giant, fake,
impossible-to-live-up-to
pledges,
what the fuck are we gonna do?
What do you want, Jimmy?
Pancakes.
Not guilty.
What, seriously? No.
Oh, my God, that is insane.
I can't find them.
You have to do something.
I couldn't help but overhear.
Jimmy might have gotten
cold feet?
I don't know, maybe.
Well, the prospect of marriage
can be very daunting.
Hey.
Did you have dauntings
about marrying me?
No way, Jose.
No dauntings.
Me neither.
I'm sorry.
Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Shut up!
Best Man Vernon here.
I don't want anyone
to lose their shit,
but we can't find
the bride or groom.
That really can
only mean one thing.
Jimmy and Gretchen
are likely dead
or have been
in a horrible accident,
so starting to picture a life
without them
is probably a smart move
at this point!
Hi.
Sorry about that, everybody.
Vernon is not good
in stressful situations.
I'm so not!
Everything is fine.
The best thing to do...
at a moment like this...
...is to listen
to a song I wrote.
For the bride.
♪ There's Gregory at South By ♪
♪ Justin with the abs ♪
♪ Peter and Ruben
from Foot Locker ♪
♪ There's Eugene
from the deaf school ♪
♪ And Dylan, who sold coke ♪
♪ And don't forget that singer
from Spin Doctors ♪
♪ Bryce, who was weirdly loud ♪
♪ Mike, who was well-endowed ♪
♪ If far longer than thick ♪
♪ Quite possibly piled up ♪
♪ Couldn't beat ♪
♪ The very last dick. ♪
- So we're not getting married.
- No.
- But we're not breaking up.
- No.
So what are we going to do?
Every day... we choose.
Huh?
I don't want to be with you
because I made a promise
to be with you.
I want to be with you
because I want to be with you.
So every day... we wake up,
we look at each other and say,
"Today, again... I choose you."
Until maybe one day we don't.
You know I love the idea
of always having
one foot out the door.
We don't declare anything.
Except this.
Gretchen, every day I will
make the choice to love you.
And love you I will.
Wholeheartedly.
That one day.
Because I choose to.
I really like it.
Me, too.
I'm sorry you didn't get
your wedding.
We got photos of me
looking fly as hell,
that's really all that matters.
You know the one thing
I do regret?
All the money we wasted?
Leaving everyone in the lurch?
Not getting the chance to see
Paul wandering around,
looking for his table all night?
Leaving behind all those gifts.
I already texted Vernon
to load up the car with them.
God, I love you.
♪ Just think of the times ♪
♪ You do nothing... ♪
♪ With me. ♪
♪ Fading back into the night ♪
♪ No, nothing's
gonna wake me now ♪
♪ Far away from what we are ♪
♪ Hold me up into the light ♪
♪ Get back
to where we started out ♪
♪ Find a way up in the sky ♪
♪ Bring back the fever again. ♪
♪ I hope that our
few remaining friends ♪
♪ Give up on trying to save us ♪
♪ I hope we come off
with a fail-safe plot ♪
♪ To piss off the dumb few
that forgave us ♪
♪ I hope the fences we mended ♪
♪ Fall down beneath
their own weight ♪
♪ And I hope we hang on
past the last exit ♪
♪ I hope it's already too late ♪
♪ And I hope the junkyard
a few blocks from here ♪
♪ Someday burns down ♪
♪ And I hope the rising black
smoke carries me far away ♪
♪ And I never come back
to this town again ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I hope I lie ♪
♪ And tell everyone
you were a good wife ♪
♪ And I hope you die ♪
♪ I hope we both die ♪
♪ I hope I cut myself
shaving tomorrow ♪
♪ I hope it bleeds
all day long ♪
♪ Our friends say it's darkest
before the sun rises ♪
♪ We're pretty sure
they're all wrong ♪
♪ I hope it stays dark forever ♪
♪ I hope the worst isn't over ♪
♪ And I hope you blink
before I do ♪
♪ I hope I never get sober ♪
♪ And I hope,
when you think of me ♪
♪ Years down the line,
you can't find ♪
♪ One good thing to say ♪
♪ And I'd hope that,
if I found the strength ♪
♪ To walk out, you'd stay
the hell out of my way ♪
♪ I am drowning,
there is no sign of land ♪
♪ You are coming down with me ♪
♪ Hand in unlovable hand ♪
♪ And I hope you die ♪
♪ I hope we both die. ♪
Hey, you know that there's
always a possibility
that some day I might leave
my phone and keys at home
and step in front of a train.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
But I'll move on really quickly.
Like, record-setting.
Okay.
Mmm.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION.
Sync corrections by srjanapala
♪ Name ten things you want
to do before you die ♪
♪ And then go do them ♪
♪ Name ten places you really
want to be before you die ♪
♪ And then go to them ♪
♪ Name ten books you want
to read before you die ♪
♪ And then go read them ♪
♪ Name ten songs you want
to hear again before you die ♪
♪ Get all your friends together
and... ♪
♪ Down there from the dark fume
of the fire ♪
♪ Into the garden
we would walk ♪
♪ And ball your body
into wire... ♪
- You! Clean that window.
- Yes, sir.
Pistachios?
This isn't a baseball game.
No, you want to present the
plate... aioli smear at 12:00,
and for God's sake,
call them servilletes.
All good.
Smashing. No notes.
Atención!
Hello, help.
In my history
as a wedding guest,
I have successfully heckled
so many ceremonies, people are
gonna be gunning for us today.
Thus, our nuptials
must be absolutely flawless.
So, in the tradition
of punching a bully
to demonstrate one's gravitas,
you, ma'am,
are sacked.
You have been made redundant.
You are proper on the dole now.
Let that be a warning
to you all.
Oh, and have fun!
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Season 05 Episode 13
*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Episode Title: "Pancakes"
Jimmy! Blessed day.
Really, just jacked to shit.
I love you so goddamn much.
Anyfarts, what are you
doing out here?
Editing my vows,
but now I've pulled a thread.
It's all starting to unravel.
I did that to a sweater once.
You hear Gretchen's vows yet?
No, but I cannot wait.
You know
they're gonna be so emo.
I hope
she cries so hard she vomits.
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, welcome, guys.
We can't see each other.
Gretchen.
- Missed you.
- Huh, glad they're
- on good terms again.
- Hurry, hand it over.
What's he handing her?
I don't know.
That was weird.
Anyjunk, what's up?
Why'd you need me early?
Last-minute titty bar?
No. You're best man now.
What?
What?!
No. No.
Oh, my God!
Well, well, well.
Here comes my big apology.
Vernon, you're no longer
best man.
Oh, okay. That's-that's fine.
I'm fine.
- All right. Let's have it.
- Let's have what?
The begging, the groveling.
Perhaps one of your
signature pancakes
with "sorry" spelled out
in frosting.
Oh, no, I meant what I said.
I just came to bring you
your rings.
Oh, shit. Right, yeah.
I was, uh, about to text you
for these.
Katie Overholser
was not the kind
of girl you could ignore,
so when she went missing...
What are you doing?
Waiting here in case
you change your mind
and need a quick getaway.
And it was that swiftness,
with which the search
for Katie began,
that would, four days later,
lead to her death.
You're best man again.
Wow!
What a roller coaster!
It tastes so much sweeter
now that it was taken away.
Your first order of business:
get rid of Edgar.
Hey, Paul.
Lindsay.
Perhaps you can help me.
It says I'm assigned
to Table 13,
but I don't see any other guests
assigned to that table.
Cool mystery.
Hey, it was really nice
talking on the phone last night.
It was, wasn't it?
I'm glad to see I'm not the
only one here without a date.
- Oh, I'm actually...
- Here you go, lover.
Thank you. Keep the change.
Seriously? Whoa.
No one ever tips
at the Froyo store.
I've thought about
putting a cup out,
but it just feels desperate,
you know?
- You brought the Froyo guy?
- I didn't want to come alone.
Anyway, I better get this
Bride Fuel to Gretchen.
See you boys later.
Hey, got any errands
you need done for tips?
Actually, would you see what you
can find out about Table 13?
Will do, boss.
Okay, it's on.
Hold on!
You're going to want this moment
captured forever.
Okay, come out. Let's see it.
It's so beautiful.
Oh.
Gretchen.
I can't believe this day
is finally here.
Oh, if you make me cry,
I'll kill you.
I mean, think about all the men
it took to get here.
- All right.
- So, so many men.
So many men...
that I wrote a song about it.
It's called.
"The Very Last Dick."
No.
I love you, though.
Well, I love you, too.
Just a few lines?
I rhyme Horatio and fel...
No, no, no, no. Shh.
Mmm.
- It's Jimmy.
- Jimmy.
There they are.
All right.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'd still do him.
- Nice suit.
- Hello.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Yeah, excuse me.
- Groom advice. - Advice.
- Yeah, thank you.
For the groom, excuse me.
Just know that she's
never gonna change.
Lindsay sure didn't.
Well, until she wanted to plow
other guys in front of me.
That was a rather seismic shift.
- Yeah, cuck, bye.
- But, hey, I have earthquake insurance.
Jimmy, never go back.
Oh, wait, that's the tagline
for Jack Reacher 2.
Did you know that Tom Cruise
is actually six-foot-one?
If you want to add that
to your vows, Jimmy, go ahead.
What?
Ah...
I've been reading
about you in the trades.
- Shame about your movie.
- Mm-hmm.
But you'll sell another one.
Or get staffed.
You have to, because you're
marrying my daughter,
which means you're responsible
for her now, forever.
Yeah, unlike you.
Cheers, bye-bye.
Oh, this is great, Jimmy.
All weddings should open
with alcohol times.
I got blue one and other one.
- What happened?
- I slept with my Uber driver last night.
Well, well, well. I am so
happy for the two of you.
Look, just say whatever
awful thing you're gonna say.
No, I'm serious. I think you
guys are perfect for each other.
- That said...
- Here we go.
...since you're not
technically married yet,
my pregnancy hormones
have made me extra squishy.
- Everyone here's an alcoholic.
- Jimmy!
He's coming, he's coming,
he's coming, he's coming.
- See?
- You're right.
Jimmy! What a beautiful day.
I got goose bumps already.
It reminds me of my nuptials,
except, you know,
less timelessly elegant.
- Uh, was I there?
- Yes.
Yes, yes, great event.
So lovely.
Listen, what did you fellas
hand Gretchen this morning?
- Uh, Forever Stamps.
- Passport photo for your honeymoon.
- Uh, cash, Mafia-style.
- Uh, ticket to Dudamel's Mahler cycle, yeah.
Bitcoins.
Okay, fine.
She asked us for coke.
She was worried she'd get too
drunk and ruin the special day.
Oh. Oh, well,
phew, what a relief.
I thought it was something bad.
No follow-ups.
There you are. The photographer
needs us around back.
Did you get rid of Edgar?
It's in process. Just get your
butt out there and look pretty.
Lindsay.
Huge emergency.
Edgar's in his car
and you need to get rid of him,
and I'm commandeering these
on behalf of the groom.
Nothing I do today counts. Bye!
So, you were sleeping together?
- Yeah, I mean...
- What?
How could she
not tell the attorney
that she used to date Kevin?
Fuck.
Jesus, Lindsay.
What the fuck are you doing
out here in your car?
I told Jimmy
not to marry Gretchen.
What?!
Edgar.
Jesus, you are the dumb one.
You killed the group.
That's why I didn't say
anything; it was just for us.
But you knew
it could be important.
Okay, now Charlie's Angels.
Twins poster.
You have four arms!
An Officer and a Gentleman.
I'm the lady.
Catch me!
Weekend at Bernie's.
Right, I think we're good, yeah?
I'll take the bride
and maid of honor next.
Quick, go that way
so you don't run into her.
Oh, my God, Jimmy, I'd hit it.
I was never sure before,
but now, yeah,
I'd definitely hit it.
Someone said that Vernon
was taking photos with Jimmy.
How come?
Uh, yeah, no biggie, but Vernon
is Jimmy's best man now.
Ooh, let's do the Stanky Legg.
What? Why? Where's Edgar?
The fiber testing...
- it failed spectacularly.
- No!
What is the D.A. doing?
The cops could've dragged in
those fibers on their shoes.
Most girlfriends would have
tolerated you for a month maybe.
But letting you stay with him
was, at times
of particular assholishness,
the one humanizing thing
about Jimmy.
Listen, I-I never meant to...
I wouldn't say a word.
I really wouldn't.
And while I liked you, Edgar,
the one thing I could never do
was respect you.
Because the first few times
it's like, "Hey,
be nicer to the guy."
But the next 2,000 times,
that's on you.
I know. That's why I'm here.
He is never going
to respect you.
Never. Never.
I'm just trying to stop him
from making a mistake.
I don't even pity you anymore.
I just hate you now.
Leave.
Leave now.
And it was.
They just threw out the case.
Hey, friend. Bad news.
There is no Table 13.
- I don't understand.
- Seems it's an old wedding joke
for someone
no one wants to sit with.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my. That's dispiriting.
Yeah, anyway,
why don't we say 50 bucks?
I'll give you $200 to leave.
Deal.
All right, Ben Folds.
Ready to get your socks
knocked off?
Whoa, that's delicious.
What the heck is it?
- It's called trash juice.
- Trash juice.
It's magnificent.
I knew I'd find you one day.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we will be opening the doors
to the main hall in 15 minutes.
Wait. What's "squishy"?
Everything.
Jimbo, I have
a very special guest. Aw-ooga!
MILF alert, MILF alert.
It's Gretchen's mom.
Just say whatever
you need to say.
It's not gonna change anything.
This was from her
great-grandmother, Gretchen.
She was similarly feisty.
I'd appreciate it if you'd give
it to her before the ceremony.
Something old.
A word of advice, Jimmy.
The more you love Gretchen
and try to take care of her,
the more she'll resent you.
I really love her.
I'm glad.
So, you and Katie were lovers?
That sounds so old-timey.
Look, Gretchen, I'm not leaving.
- Okay?
- Take me home, Dmitri.
I'm not your Lyft, Ben Folds.
For real?
Dang, I keep doing that.
I remember you.
You're friend
with that British guy.
How do you do it?
Adult friendships
are so hard to maintain.
Billy Corgan and I were
really close until that year
that I got the better greenroom
at Weenie Roast.
He never got over that.
Point is, you're lucky.
Okay, there's my ride.
Folds out, motherfucker.
And then she died.
Ah.
Ah, okay.
Hell yeah.
No, no, no!
I am not supposed to see you.
What are you doing in here?
You didn't write your vows?
What? What are you
even talking about?
I have them right... Oh, fine.
I had the boys help me.
You care so little
about this wedding that
you even farmed out your vows?
No. I care so much
that I hired a professional.
Shitstain had his first poem in
The New Yorker when he was 19.
You don't pick out the flowers,
you don't get
your own dress, fine.
But these, these are your vows!
They're a sacred pledge to me,
and you have someone else
write them?
Why do you even...?
Is Edgar getting in your head?
Is that what this is about?
No. What-what? No.
If what Edgar said
didn't affect you,
then why didn't you
tell me about it?
Admit it, you normally
wouldn't give two shits
if I didn't write my own vows.
You're looking for an excuse.
No, Gretchen.
I've been so busy justifying
your lack of participation
that I've ignored what you've
been trying to tell me:
- you don't want to get married.
- I'm not well!
No! You can't use that
as an excuse here.
- Your mom was right.
- Do not bring up my mom!
There's a part of you
that will resent me forever
if I marry you.
You hate constraints,
and that is what
I will forever be.
- This is insane!
- Do you want to marry me?
- I am here, aren't I?
- You're still not saying it.
I'm in a dress! My mom is here.
Say "I want to marry you."
Stop bullying me!
Fine!
I want to marry you!
I do. I want to marry you.
Goddamn it, Gretchen.
Well...
I-I don't think
that I want to marry you.
- You okay?
- It's an ambush.
I've been ambushed. Gretchen...
I know. I should have told you.
You knew? What, you knew?
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I think
it's time you guys talked.
They didn't tell you
I'd be here.
- Nope.
- Ah.
Yeah.
- Listen, I don't...
- How's New York?
Good. Loud.
Lots of triggers,
but I'm adapting.
I'm sorry for what I did
back then.
- I'm sorry.
- You should be.
It was inconceivably abhorrent.
I know.
But you were proved right.
It took me a while to admit it,
but it was, ultimately,
a rather brave and...
selfless act.
It wasn't selfless.
It was the only way
I could get away from you.
S-So, how are you?
Good.
Oh, really good.
I'm adapting a murder podcast.
- Ah.
- Yeah, it's...
taken years
to work out the rights,
but I'm interviewing
some writers while I'm in town.
Ah. Well, I would throw
my hat in the ring,
but I'm busy writing Depth.
Yes. You know, I read Height.
So good.
Man, those Victorians
were messed up.
So much spanking.
Ah, you don't know
the half of it.
You don't talk to me.
Come on. It's been long enough.
Besides, haven't you learned
by now that I'm always right?
Rawr!
Leave Uncle Edgar alone, baby.
You already caught him.
- Pick me up, Daddy.
- Yes, Miss Bossypants.
You met behind my back?
Earlier today.
I conned Edgar into playing
tiger with Felicity.
Come on, Wormy.
Let's go find the appetizers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that...?
Uh, the florist who essed
Jimmy's dee? Yes.
And it got all possible sexual
tension off the table forever,
thus the perfect nanny.
No danger of Afflecking here.
There they are.
What the hell are you guys
all doing out here?
You can't miss our first dance.
I mean, our second first dance.
Paul took lessons.
Yes. I'm all prepared
to do the Lindsay Hop.
Or perhaps I'll save that
particular move for tonight.
I don't know
what you're saying.
We'll be right there.
I love you.
- Hey, wait up.
- Ooh, we met Jimmy Fallon...
You mad?
Only murderously.
Though I suppose that dead
little heart of yours
- was in the right place.
- How'd it go with the house?
Well, it's officially
not ours anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry, bud.
But you know it was
a death trap for kids.
Yeah. How was your hotel?
Ugh, great.
You were right.
I couldn't get through
a month without drinking.
Ah.
But I did get digits.
Cute, too. Mama's still got it.
Oh, we should probably go in.
Watch Paul and Lindsay make
the same mistake twice.
First I'm gonna shake
all the presents.
They ripped off
our non-wedding venue,
they owe me a food processor.
Forgot my lighter.
I'll be right in.
- Oh.
- I see Katie's parents,
but they won't look at me.
The mood is tense.
The judge enters.
The jury enters,
looking tired, ragged.
- The forewoman Mary Elizabeth stands.
- Damn it, Jimmy.
We, the jury,
find the defendant...
Let me clear some space for you.
Jimmy!
Jimmy, no!
No, Jimmy.
It's not gonna be that easy
to leave me this time.
You knew who I was.
That's all you have to say?
That you're damaged?
I'm getting
straight into Edgar's car.
He's not here anymore, I...
Motherfucker!
Look.
I tried to write my vows. I did.
Many times, I tried with
all of this and I failed.
Mine are just as phony.
What?
Writing them, I couldn't
imagine myself up there
saying these things, so...
I wrote them as a character.
Named Theodore.
Writing to his future bride.
A character named Samantha.
Sammy to friends.
I had to pretend
to be someone who wants
to take care of someone
in sickness and health.
False concepts like "forever,"
"eternity," "until death."
Who wants to lie
in front of everyone they know
that they're gonna love
someone forever?
How can you know that?!
You can't!
I feel like we're not
going back inside.
You've been saying all along
that we might change.
Well, can you really promise
that your feelings
won't change 40 years from now?
20 years from now?
Five years from now?
This ceremony... is a fiction.
It's a false guarantee
that protects us
from exactly nothing.
It's novocaine.
It's an opiate.
It's a lie.
You were right.
I know.
I know I was.
So, instead of making
these giant, fake,
impossible-to-live-up-to
pledges,
what the fuck are we gonna do?
What do you want, Jimmy?
Pancakes.
Not guilty.
What, seriously? No.
Oh, my God, that is insane.
I can't find them.
You have to do something.
I couldn't help but overhear.
Jimmy might have gotten
cold feet?
I don't know, maybe.
Well, the prospect of marriage
can be very daunting.
Hey.
Did you have dauntings
about marrying me?
No way, Jose.
No dauntings.
Me neither.
I'm sorry.
Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Shut up!
Best Man Vernon here.
I don't want anyone
to lose their shit,
but we can't find
the bride or groom.
That really can
only mean one thing.
Jimmy and Gretchen
are likely dead
or have been
in a horrible accident,
so starting to picture a life
without them
is probably a smart move
at this point!
Hi.
Sorry about that, everybody.
Vernon is not good
in stressful situations.
I'm so not!
Everything is fine.
The best thing to do...
at a moment like this...
...is to listen
to a song I wrote.
For the bride.
♪ There's Gregory at South By ♪
♪ Justin with the abs ♪
♪ Peter and Ruben
from Foot Locker ♪
♪ There's Eugene
from the deaf school ♪
♪ And Dylan, who sold coke ♪
♪ And don't forget that singer
from Spin Doctors ♪
♪ Bryce, who was weirdly loud ♪
♪ Mike, who was well-endowed ♪
♪ If far longer than thick ♪
♪ Quite possibly piled up ♪
♪ Couldn't beat ♪
♪ The very last dick. ♪
- So we're not getting married.
- No.
- But we're not breaking up.
- No.
So what are we going to do?
Every day... we choose.
Huh?
I don't want to be with you
because I made a promise
to be with you.
I want to be with you
because I want to be with you.
So every day... we wake up,
we look at each other and say,
"Today, again... I choose you."
Until maybe one day we don't.
You know I love the idea
of always having
one foot out the door.
We don't declare anything.
Except this.
Gretchen, every day I will
make the choice to love you.
And love you I will.
Wholeheartedly.
That one day.
Because I choose to.
I really like it.
Me, too.
I'm sorry you didn't get
your wedding.
We got photos of me
looking fly as hell,
that's really all that matters.
You know the one thing
I do regret?
All the money we wasted?
Leaving everyone in the lurch?
Not getting the chance to see
Paul wandering around,
looking for his table all night?
Leaving behind all those gifts.
I already texted Vernon
to load up the car with them.
God, I love you.
♪ Just think of the times ♪
♪ You do nothing... ♪
♪ With me. ♪
♪ Fading back into the night ♪
♪ No, nothing's
gonna wake me now ♪
♪ Far away from what we are ♪
♪ Hold me up into the light ♪
♪ Get back
to where we started out ♪
♪ Find a way up in the sky ♪
♪ Bring back the fever again. ♪
♪ I hope that our
few remaining friends ♪
♪ Give up on trying to save us ♪
♪ I hope we come off
with a fail-safe plot ♪
♪ To piss off the dumb few
that forgave us ♪
♪ I hope the fences we mended ♪
♪ Fall down beneath
their own weight ♪
♪ And I hope we hang on
past the last exit ♪
♪ I hope it's already too late ♪
♪ And I hope the junkyard
a few blocks from here ♪
♪ Someday burns down ♪
♪ And I hope the rising black
smoke carries me far away ♪
♪ And I never come back
to this town again ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I hope I lie ♪
♪ And tell everyone
you were a good wife ♪
♪ And I hope you die ♪
♪ I hope we both die ♪
♪ I hope I cut myself
shaving tomorrow ♪
♪ I hope it bleeds
all day long ♪
♪ Our friends say it's darkest
before the sun rises ♪
♪ We're pretty sure
they're all wrong ♪
♪ I hope it stays dark forever ♪
♪ I hope the worst isn't over ♪
♪ And I hope you blink
before I do ♪
♪ I hope I never get sober ♪
♪ And I hope,
when you think of me ♪
♪ Years down the line,
you can't find ♪
♪ One good thing to say ♪
♪ And I'd hope that,
if I found the strength ♪
♪ To walk out, you'd stay
the hell out of my way ♪
♪ I am drowning,
there is no sign of land ♪
♪ You are coming down with me ♪
♪ Hand in unlovable hand ♪
♪ And I hope you die ♪
♪ I hope we both die. ♪
Hey, you know that there's
always a possibility
that some day I might leave
my phone and keys at home
and step in front of a train.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
But I'll move on really quickly.
Like, record-setting.
Okay.
Mmm.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION.
Sync corrections by srjanapala
♪ Name ten things you want
to do before you die ♪
♪ And then go do them ♪
♪ Name ten places you really
want to be before you die ♪
♪ And then go to them ♪
♪ Name ten books you want
to read before you die ♪
♪ And then go read them ♪
♪ Name ten songs you want
to hear again before you die ♪
♪ Get all your friends together
and... ♪