You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Insouciance - full transcript

Jimmy attempts to take Gretchen on a date.

(sultry electronica playing)


You're losing your hair.

What? Why would you
say that to me?

- I'm practicing.
- Practicing what? Dying alone?

- Being honest.
- Well, go and do it somewhere else.

You're always so honest...
I admire that.

- I'm a giant liar. Always have been.
- Always?

I told the Spice
Girls I was dying

of brain cancer in order
to get free concert tickets.

Dishonesty to spare someone's
feelings belittles everyone involved.

Dishonesty to get free stuff is
just smart economics.


Oh. No. No, no.

- Why not?
- I'm gonna get latex poisoning.

Well, you can't leave
me like this.

I'll be really quick...
you won't even notice.

Nice try.

I learned blue balls were a myth
when I was 12.

The boy that told you
that is a traitor to our gender!

(water running)




Look at you.
You're like an animal.

- Like some albino gorilla.
- It's your fault, baby.

- Walking around with that ass.
- You know, erections can be wasted.

- You will get another one.
- But I like this one.

And I thought all Englishmen
were sexually repressed.

No, you're thinking
of the Welsh.

So you're just gonna watch me then?

- I literally can't look away.
- You're not gonna ruin this for me.


- Doesn't bother me one bit.
- Good.

- This is gonna happen.
- Glad to hear it.

- Damn it!
- Ha! I win.

Well, anyway, I just started my
period two days early.

- Oh.
- It's your fault, buddy.

You're the one who smacked the side
of the ketchup bottle over and over.

Okay, well, so I'll see
you in five days or so.

- What?
- Seriously?

What, do yours last longer or...

Forget it. Don't worry.

I'll leave the village
till my moon is over.

Well, I could always
play through, as they say.

See you in five days.


♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

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Ferris Bueller. Awesome.
What channel is it on?

- It's not. I rented it.
- You rented it?

Are you a timecop sent
from the past to kill me?

You rented a DVD?

I literally don't know where one
can do that anymore.

Well, I noticed it was playing
at the revival house this week,

and I realized I hadn't
seen it in a while

but I didn't want to risk going in

because of what happened
during Captain Phillips.

This movie has one of the
greatest villains of all time.

Principal Rooney is so mean.

- Rooney? Rooney's not the villain.
- Oh, you mean the sister.

- That girl from the movie, um... Wind.
- Dirty Dancing.

Right, first of all,

Wind is what you retained from
Jennifer Grey's career?

And, no, she's not the villain either.

- Then who is?
- Cameron.

Cam... No, Cameron's his best friend.
Cameron's the sidekick.

Edgar, I think I know a little something
about Campbellian storytelling.

Ferris is the hero.
Jennifer Grey is the foil.

Principal Rooney is the fool.
Sloane is the sidekick.

- Cameron's the villain.
- Wait, how's Cameron the villain?

Ferris just wants to show
Cameron a fun day, right,

for once in his pathetic
little life, but Cameron acts

like a whiny knob the whole
time, subverting every attempt

at fun with his passive-aggressive
anxiety and relentless nay-saying,

essentially ruining what might
be Ferris' last day of freedom,

by being a-a miserable, agoraphobic,
cockblocking enemy of fun.

Cameron's sick.
He doesn't even want to go out.

But Ferris guilts him into it and-and makes
him steal his father's luxury automobile.

Are we even watching
the same movie?

I think so.

So, Gretchen left.
You seeing her again tonight?


- Tomorrow?
- No.

Oh, well. She lasted longer
than most of 'em.

No, she's not done.
She's... she's on her period.

Oh, good call sending her away.

I read an article about how the drought
is pushing bears farther into town.

It's nice that Gretchen's
so cool about how you are.

- I'm sorry? How I am?
- Yeah.

Most girls, they want more from a guy, but
it's nice that this is all Gretchen wants.

I don't... I don't
know what Gretchen wants.

Have you asked her?

I'm trying to watch a movie and have a...
What-what do you mean what she wants?

This is my brand-new "relationship"
that I'm experiencing through me, okay?

So it's not for me to worry about her.

Or, you know... you could.

You are such a Cameron!

Mm, no.

I'll try chocolate coconut
truffle next.

Spiced chai.
Three times in one afternoon?

Ew, do you think he boned my
sister that much?

Can you imagine how
pinchy her face must get?

(high-pitched moaning)


That's my sister.
I'm gonna vomit.

- Raspberry pomegranate tart.
- Salted caramel pecan.

Three times! Why don't we ever
bone three times in one day?

- Where's he taken you?
- Black forest cake.

- Peanut butter rum.
- We don't go anywhere.

- I told you, we're just having fun.
- Be careful, Gretch.

Jimmy is a soul vampire.

And, face it, you don't always
make the best choices.

- You're one to talk.
- Ha. Mean.

Kidding, Paul.

So, what flavors
have we settled on?

Nothing for me.
I'm too full.

Me, too.

I got to go to work. See you soon.
Stop worrying about me.

Never. As long as Jimmy's in this world.


You know, you're kind of mean to
me when Gretchen's around.

How can you say that?
Gretchen is lonely. We're so happy.

I don't want to rub it in.

- I love you.
- I'm so lucky.

Good work. Now, um, go away.
Picture books are over there, all right?


You can't read.


Nice try, dickhole.

How dare you try and take advantage
of my new dumb-ass cashier.

No offense, Philippe.

You know, it is disgraceful that my
bookstore won't support new writers.

- Especially a local one of some acclaim.
- Really? Where?

Haven't seen you in a while.

One explanation: you got some
new slizz you've bamboozled into

letting you throw your pasty junk into.


- She's not a slizz.
- Oh, what's her problem then?

Humpback? Scientologist?
Did she absorb her twin's fetus?

Nothing. It's perfect.
She comes over, we have fun.

You must've come across that kind of
happiness... in a book, at some point.

Wow. I knew you were a dipshit.

I was just heretofore unaware of
the true depths of your dipshittery.

- Look, take it from a woman...
- Really? Sorry, where?

Look, I know how people date, okay?

But we both agreed we don't want
anything, 'cause we're different.

Oh, okay.

Well, keep going with that.
See how long she sticks around.

Hey, Philippe, from now on, you
see this guy, you throw him out.

And put his books back
on the loser shelves.

All right, bye.

Oh, and good luck finding
another job in six months when

this place is a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

I'm sorry if all that sexual tension
made you uncomfortable.


All right, the official line is:
"My account was hacked.

I have no idea whose vagina that is."

But it was my vagina.

You can clearly see my micro-tattoo
of the Nickelodeon logo.

It doesn't matter, Pepper.

A normal beaver shot is just a
bad PR problem,

but when a 16-year-old tweets it,
that's... repeat after me...

- child pornography.
- You're so controlling.

You're like my dad and my
step-mom and my manager,

who's also my real mom,
and my TV dad Mario Lopez...

Sorry, babe. That's the law.

- What about my tits?
- Don't worry.

We're going to roll out those tits
in a controlled, legal environment...

like a very tasteful photo
shoot with Terry Richardson.




- Hey, Edgar. What's up?
- Nothing. Oh, sorry.

Um, I was just cleaning the house and
I wanted to return these hair thingies.

Thanks, but I have,
like, a ton of these.

- And some of them are not mine.
- Oops. Sorry.

Oh, yeah, uh, while I'm here,

Jimmy wondered if you wanted to
grab a bite to eat tonight.


Okay, I'll come over after work.

He'll meet you at the restaurant.
I'll text you the address.

Wait, why didn't he
just ask me himself?

- Oh, he's slammed at work.
- What work?

Okay. I should go.
I have to try to find Killian.

Oh, uh, and Gretchen...

if you go hiking in the next few days,
you're gonna want to attach,

like, some bells around
your neck or-or something.

Excuse me.

I didn't know what you liked, so I just
got you one of their "mixology" things.

- What's the other one?
- Whiskey soda.


It's called a "reservation," right?

Not a "suggestion of eagerness
to dine at a specific hour."

(laughs): Wouldn't fit on the Web site.

(Jimmy laughs)

They could at least give us chairs, so
we don't have to crouch under this pipe.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, look, people are
taking photos of their dinner.

Are they afraid people won't
believe they went to a restaurant?

- Hurry up, they're waiting for us.
- It's right over here.

- Excuse you!
- That is quite rude!

Okay, whatever, man.

Come on.

(both chuckle)

- Should we just go or...?
- Oh. Well, I mean...

Follow me.

Uh, great.
Um, after you, uh...

Here we are.

Sorry, what the hell is this?

- This is our communal table.
- "Communal table."

If we wanted to dine with total strangers,
we would have taken an ad out on Craigslist.

Or invited our parents over for dinner.

You're not dining
with them.

You're just dining at
the same table as them.

You're really cutting with a semantic
Ginsu knife there, aren't you?

Oh, man. I'm so hungry.

- $32 for pellizzoni? What is pellizzoni?
- It's a type of pasta.

What is it made of? Bald eagle foreskin?

Couldn't think of anything soft
and expensive.

Bald eagles don't have penises,
they have a cloaca.

- Thank you.
- Good evening.

Is this your first time at Insouciance?


Let me explain how
our menu works.

Why? Is it electronic?

(old man laughs)

You said you wanted to
explain how the menu worked,

which led me to the comic premise of
taking your sentence at face value.

Never mind. Go on.


Now, most of our dishes are meant to be
shared, so we recommend three dishes

from the top half and, depending on your
appetite, two to three from the bottom.

Can I start you off with bottled
water or L.A.'s finest?

- Tap.
- Bottled.

- Bottled.
- Tap's fine.

- Just bring both.
- You have to try the uni foam.

I absolutely will not.

Are people allowed to actually
talk to other people?

- Seriously, we can go.
- No, we're doing this.


Don't worry, I promise I won't
order the pellizzoni.

Oh, order whatever you like.

Though you should probably
have some iron, right?

I knew it.

- Man!
- What?

I knew I shouldn't
have told you about...

Hey, how's it going?

- Excuse us.
- Hello.

Shouldn't have told you
about the... Detroit Red Wings.

How they're in town
for a five-game series.

I don't know anything
about sports.

You mean... do you mean your period?
Wait, did I do something wrong?

Yes! You were so weird about it.
"See you in five days"?

How is that weird?
When your...

the series is over and the Red Wings
leave town to go and play more...

- Hockey.
- Hockey, elsewhere.

- The ice will be cleared to play on.
- That's not the point. That's a dick move.

That's exactly the point. Look,
if my favorite pinball game...

Creature from the Black Lagoon in 3-D.

Yes. If Creature from the Black
Lagoon in 3-D is out of order,

I'm going to wait to come back to
the arcade when it's working again.

There are other games!

Do you mean your butt?


Oh, goddamn it.

Should we...?

Hey, hey! Jimmy.

Hey! What the hell are you...?

I'm surprised you're
not on your honeymoon.

We go in a month.
It's the busy time for Vernon.

Old bags always want to get their
hips replaced at the same time.

It's like, if one of them can walk normal,
they all need to walk normal.

You're dining alone?

No, I am with someone,
but she's not feeling well.


Sucks, man.
Ditched at the commune tabes.

Well, enjoy your
solitary dinner.

- Honey?
- I'll be right there.

Hey, wanted to say sorry about
the ruckus at the wedding.

Tensions were high.

Mostly on account of Becca's mom
being such a cooze.

Oh, you were throwing your life away.
You were stressed. I understand.

Word. Well, I should get back to
Bec before the amuse-bouche drops.

She's been known to take down hers
and my bouche if I'm not quick enough.

All right.

There you are.

I've been looking for you
everywhere I could think of.

Turns out, parents don't really
appreciate a grown man driving

slowly past playgrounds over and over.

Don't you have a phone?

My parents are afraid I'll turn into
a YouTube celebrity if I have one.

(Edgar sighs)

You okay?


He didn't mean to
forget you at the bookstore.

It's just, sometimes people just
have weird ways of being friends.


In Iraq, we used to
have this translator, Zaid.

Oh, he was so funny.

We used to teach him Eminem
songs and make him do these

lip-dubs, and then, we'd put
them up on the Internet.

- I miss that guy.
- What happened to him?

The videos got so
popular that the insurgents

discovered he was working with
the Americans, so they buried

him alive in the desert, and they
ran over his head with a tank.

My point is, not all friends can
be as awesome as Zaid.

We just... have to appreciate the people
who love us while they're still around.

Hey, you want to go get some
doner kebab?

There's this awesome place on Hillhurst.

- Does it have gluten?
- We can ask.

Come on.

Bye, Debra.


They didn't see me, did they?


- Ooh! That was close.
- I thought you were mad at me.

Not compared to what a
disaster it would have been

if Becca and Vernon had
seen us together.

Oh, right.

Well, then I'm mad at you. You just
ditched me at the commune tabes.


Are you seriously ready to explain
this whatever this is to anyone?

Because I'm not. And I
wouldn't have almost had

to if you hadn't taken
me on this ludicrous date.

Well, I thought I should.
You were so mad after the period thing.

Well, yes, I didn't
want you to automatically

dismiss me as a goddamn viable
human being to share air with

the second I wasn't available for
sex, but I'm not, like, mad, mad.

I knew what I was
getting with you, Jimmy.

Okay, well... good.

I'm glad you hate this place,
too. It's the worst, right?

No, dude. I've actually been
here before. It's awesome.

I love this fancy shit, just,
you know, not with you.


I just meant not yet, or whatever.

I told you up front.
I'm... scared of this shit.


And I don't believe in it, so...

- I'm still hungry. You?
- I could eat.

(indistinct chatter on screen)


This was a great idea.

- God, I love this movie.
- It's the best.

Ugh, I hate Cameron so much.

- He's repulsive.
- No kidding. It's, like, kill yourself.


It's Nothing. It's Nothing.

- Did we get chopsticks?
- Yeah, I certainly asked for them.

(paper bag rustling)

Aha, there you go.

- You be quiet!
- How dare you?!
Aha, there you go.


- You be quiet!
- How dare you?!

- Turn around and watch the movie!
- Just mind your own business, you old cow.

- Shh! God. Some people.
- Really.

- Right?
- Want a beer?


Mm. This is good.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me.

I have a large book club of ladies,
and we're going to be reading a book,

and drinking wine... what...

and I just want to make
sure you have enough copies?

What is the title?

Congratulations, You're Dying?
By some guy with a weird name.

Why aren't you typing?

So, you're the slizz.



- What a bitch.
- I knew it.

She didn't buy it?

No, so I stole this.

(laughing): Oh, sweet.
I love this guy.

I'm telling you, people that
naturally suspicious of humanity

should not be allowed to do
customer service.

No kidding.
You think Killian wants a cat?