You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Side Bitch - full transcript

(loud, rhythmic whirring)

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Oh, sorry, Jimmy.
Got to protein-load.

Today in improv class,
we're finally doing Harolds.

Anyway, I really
like my instructor.

And after what
happened with Lindsay,

I think I'm finally ready to
let love into my life again.

You've never had love
in your life.

That's why I need to come up
with an excuse

to see Dorothy after class.

So, I was thinking, after
Stretch and Share, I neg her

and tell her
she looks winded

and that she should sign up
for my gym, and that...

Edgar, as always,
you're overthinking it.

For once in your life,
just keep it simple.

- You mean just ask her out?
- No.

Get her hammered
and finger-bang her in your car.

Hmm. Maybe I should
be more direct.

I mean, with Lindsay, I
got friend-zoned for life.

One time, she texted me,
"Yo, girl, want to get brunch?"

Have you noticed
something's up with Gretchen?

You mean how she's been sneaking
out in the middle of the night?

You knew?

Morning.

How-how'd you sleep?

Fine.
Okay, good.

Why?

Nothing. You just
look a little tired.

Cool. Thanks.

Your dick's a weird color.

Catch up again tomorrow?

I got to go shower.

Sam released
Shitstain's chinchilla

into Griffith Park.

This feud's out of control.

Why don't you just ask Gretchen
where she's been going at night?

Poor, ignorant Edgar.

You don't just drop
your accusation on a perp

without gathering proper
forensic evidence first,

or they're likely to blow.

NCIS: LA.

Ah.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(birds singing)

(clicking)

Ugh.

Bulbs.

Get hot!

My toast is still bread, Paul!

What's happening?!

Have you been paying
the utilities?

You need to come help me.

Why haven't you cashed
any of the checks I sent?

Cash a check?!

Who am I, Lee Iacocca?

Well... I guess I could cover
your bills this month.

Lindsay, I'm sorry
to hear about your power,

but it isn't my problem anymore.

(phone beeps off)

Hello?

Paul?

In a long-term relationship,
hurt feelings are inevitable.

The trick is being able
to communicate that hurt

appropriately and
constructively.

Are you guys sure
you want me here?

Yeah, bitch!

- This whole feud was your idea.
- This feud

was not my idea.

The fake feud was my idea,

and only for crass,
commercial reasons.

Okay, just to be clear,
you started

a real feud
which then became a fake feud,

which has now become
a real feud again

because the resultant "dis
tracks" have become hurtful?

SHITSTAIN:
On this last one,

Sam called me
the black John Turturro.

He called me
"skinny fat."

Y'all told Fire 103
I let a dude suck my dick!

- You did let a dude suck your dick.
- GRETCHEN: Guys.

Remember, we're just
pretending to be mad.

You guys still need
to be working on new music

for when we stage
the big reunion!

SAM:
Bitch,

I'm going solo.

I could take a dookie
that would chart higher

than anything I ever did
with Crustache over here

and Mr. 800-On-His-SATs.

- I told you that in confidence.
- Whatever.

Forget you tricks! I'm done.

(door opens, closes)

May I use
the remaining time

to talk about
my parents' divorce?

Dad, I told you

that we'd have a great time
at the museum.

Yeah, but where were
all these boobs at?!

- (laughter)
- And blackout!

- (applause)
- Great class, you guys! Really good today.

Good class.
Good class.

Good work.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, so listen.

I think you're funny and cute,
and I'd like to take you out

on a date with me
for-for a date.

Is this a bit?

I don't think so, but I'm still
not 100% sure what a bit is.

Wait, are you asking
me on a date?

No. (laughs) Phsh.

Uh, you want to get drunk
and hang out in my car?

No. Please don't
take it back.

Uh... you know guys
don't do that, right?

At least not
comedy guys.

I mean, I might get a text
that's like, "You up?"

That's how comedy dudes
ask you out. They joke.

Like, "Wouldn't
it be so funny

if you came over and
were sucking my dick?"

And then, next
thing you know,

you've joked yourself
into sucking their dick.

Uh, so, is-is that a no?

No! You just broke my
brain a little bit. Yes.

Uh, you want to go
somewhere right now?

(slurping loudly)

(sighs)

Thanks again for picking me up.

How is a person supposed to know

they have to put oil
in their car?

There's a little oil can light
on your dashboard.

Paul took care
of all that garbage.

And now I don't have power,
I don't have hot water,

I don't have TV!

I'm like a frontiers woman.

I'm like Reese Witherspoon in
that commercial for backpacks.

Right. Lindsay, I asked you
to lunch for a reason.

Oh.

Gretchen keeps sneaking out

in the middle of the night.

Do you know where she's going?

Probably got a side bitch.

(laughs)

- I don't think she has a... a side bitch.
- Oh, Jimmy.

Let me tell you
how relationships work.

You cheat,

and then she cheats, and
then, one day you wake up,

and he's gone,
none of your stuff works,

and you're having crabby puffs
with some British guy.

- I'll give you a ride.
- You know what?

No. I'm gonna figure out
how to get home on my own.

(sighs)

That's the kitchen.

(sighs)

(touch tones sounding)

_

- (touch tones sounding)
- _

VOICE:
♪ Ding, ding. ♪

_

- (touch tones sounding)
- _

- VOICE: ♪ Ding, ding. ♪
- _

- (touch tones sounding)
- _

(birds singing, dog barking)

(sighs)

_

No.

(gasps)

Ah.

(laughs)

(sighs)

(sniffs)

Ugh.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Ah.

(laughs)

(bicycle bell tinkles)

(baby babbles)

(door opens)

Oh, I've created a monster!

Sam just tweeted an
old photo of Shitstain

in his scoliosis brace.
Why are you dressed like that?

I was thinking you and I
could go out for a proper drink.

Oh. Okay.

Actually, I heard
about this cool new bar

that's opening
tonight in Hollywood.

Cool, new bar in Hollywood?

You like old,
gross bars

in sketchtown.

Edgar might bring
a girl home tonight,

so it's probably
in our best interest

to evacuate the premises.

I mean, can you imagine

the nightmarish cacophony
of rage sounds

that will emanate from that
room when he finally enters

a live human woman
after years...

Eject!

New bar it is.

It must be so cool to be
on such a long-running team.

Hey, Put That Down,
Brian! is an institution.

Honestly, it's hard
being the only girl.

The guys are always
showing me their dicks.

Or worse than that,
their balls.

"Hanging brain,"
they call it.

All the guys do that?

For my birthday,
they gave me a mug.

It looked like it had
a bunch of inkblots on it.

Turns out, they had gone
to Color Me Mine,

dipped their balls in paint

and tea-bagged the mug
a bunch of times.

That's sexual harassment!

And I should know,
we were trained in that.

There's no such thing
as sexual harassment in comedy.

You're just
a "no fun tight-ass,"

and then pretty soon,
you get the tired,

"girls aren't funny" bullshit,
all stemming from the fact

that you didn't want
to bone down

with some insecure
five-six neckbeard

who once had a meeting
with Bob Odenkirk so he thinks

he's no longer
a repulsive troll.

Look, I'm no expert, but...

maybe you should
be more direct

about your feelings
with these guys.

I mean, I was
nervous to tell you

how I felt, but...

I'm really glad that I did.

Yeah?

Me, too.

- ♪
♪
- (indistinct chatter)

BARTENDER:
So, what can I get you?

Hmm. What's the
Alpirsbach?

That one originates
from Germany,

but we've separated
the hydrogen molecules

and infused them
with lavender.

Yeah, okay. But what's
in it? Is it gin?

This is a water bar.

A what now?

Aechtoeau

serves
the finest artisanal water

from around the globe.

Jimmy, what's happening?

Yeah, I read a listicle

about the benefits of hydration.

I am going to the bathroom,

and when
I get back,

you are going
to take me to a real bar

and feed me cheap whiskey
until I forget about that time

that I stopped being able
to have sex

with my boyfriend
ever again

because he took me to a bar
that only served water.

(chuckles)

_

(indistinct chatter)

Well, well, well.

Ty Wyland.

Jimmy. Nice to see you.

Oh, so that's
how you're gonna play it, is it?

Like the two of
you haven't been

sneaking around in the wee hours

like a goddamn Pinter play?

- Who's Pinter?
- VOICE: ♪ Ding, ding. ♪

_

As I was saying,
the-the, um...

- the...
- Gretchen, hi.

Oh. You look
ravishing.

Ty. Why...
are you?

Oh, this is
my place.

Got to say, not surprised.

Right. You two catch up.
I'll be back.

(chuckles)

Ty, you opened a bar.

- Kinda.
- Yeah.

Well, not alone.

Adam Levine, Swaggy P,
and I were in Vegas

talking about Maslow's
hierarchy of needs.

Interesting thing,
actually, with that...

(grunts)

Sorry I couldn't be there, babe.

I know
it's perineum massage night,

so I made you
this instructional vid.

This'll help what's-his-butt

slide right on out. So, first,

it's time to lube those thumbs.

Next, you're gonna take
those thumbs

and insert them
about three centimeters.

And I know you can handle it
because your thumbs

are not as big as my dick.

(laughs)

Kidding.

But, really, they're not.

Now it's time to start

the gentle massaging,

round and down. Ready?

Round and down.

- (knocking)
- Good.

Round...

Uh, what the hell
happened to you?

- My power got turned off.
- Well...

(stammers)
I don't know how to do anything.

Well, now,
don't beat yourself up.

It's probably Mom's fault.

Probably.

She did always take
so many more photos of me.

Do you need a place to crash,

huh, until your power
gets turned back on?

Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- (chuckles)
- Yeah. The guest room's a nursery now,

but you... Okay. You can sleep
in Vernon's man cave.

He's at the hospital
and I'm going to prenatal yoga,

so, eh, the house
should be fairly quiet.

But I'm sure you're used
to the deafening silence

of an empty house by now.

(chuckling)

Oh.

- Mmm.
- You and I need to talk.

No shit.

Your girl's been sending me
banana-ass texts all day.

Actually, I sent those messages.

Look, just tell me,

are you her side bitch?

What? Hell no!

Bitch eats
floor candy.

Ain't seen a foreign film
in a decade.

Do you know why
she has a burner?

Oh, the God phone?

I gave her that
because sleepy bitches

don't deserve regular phones.

She didn't tell you
about my clever speech?

Now,

I'm gonna go hit up that girl
with the booty jorts over there.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.

She looks hydrated as hell!

Yeah.

...and, honestly,

I was thinking
about postponing the whole trip.

The Nepalese government
just put all these restrictions

on Everest because of the whole
human waste pollution.

Talk about a pile of shit,
right?

Well, that's the problem,
Gretchen.

No one does.

Hey, isn't that
Christoph Waltz?

Excuse me.

Christoph!

(exhales)

- _
- (beeping)

DOROTHY: This isn't about
forgetting a prop.

You guys
never bring props.

Uh, I made that big-ass
strawberry last month.

Mm-hmm.

I feel...

I feel like this group
doesn't respect me.

- (scoffing)
- JOSH: What?

You guys are always
showing me your balls.

- We're just joking around.
- Yeah.

It's sexual harassment.

- I'm a feminist.
- I was raised

- by two strong lesbians.
- You know I only use

- my balls ironically.
- Okay, and besides,

okay, you didn't seem to mind

my balls when you
were sucking on 'em

- for all these years.
- Oh.

- Boom!
- (chuckles)

Hey, you want to know why nobody
wants you to direct their shows?

Because you're a jerk and
your mise en scène sucks.

Oh, so you want to get honest
right now, huh?

Well, honestly, I am clearly

the most talented person
in this group,

and, as such,
I am sick and tired

of you guys refusing
to let me do "Baby Undertaker"!

"Baby Undertaker"
isn't funny!

You isn't funny!

You know, I think
it's finally time to admit

that Hey, Put That Down,
Brian! is going nowhere,

just like all of you guys, okay?

So, suck it, double suck it,

you don't get to suck it
anymore.

Tall Nathan
out.

For good.

Wait. Tall Nathan!

I'm out, too.

Are you okay?

I can't believe Tall Nathan
talked to you like that.

Things have been
getting weird.

We've been sleeping together
on and off for the last seven years.

Oh.

I can't believe
the group is done.

My God, I wasted all of my 20s
and part of my 30s.

Can I do anything?

You could hang out with me
a lot.

I suddenly have tons
of free time.

Watch your step.

(chuckles)

(clattering)

PAUL:
Lindsay?

You found me.

Yeah. What are
you doing here?

I don't know how to do anything.

Hey.

(clattering)

- I'm here.
- (sniffling)

Everything's gonna be okay.
Shh.

Wh-Whoa.

Linds, no.

Look, it's real tempting.

Your bazungas are epic stupid.

And ever since Becca hit
her second trimest,

she's been
a total cooze.

But I love her,

and I can't do that
to the mother of my child.

(audio distorting)

(normal): I'm gonna let you
get some sleep.

Wait. Vernon?

Do you think I'm useless?

You might not be useful
in the tradish sense,

but you're a good friend.
You make people happy.

Will you hold me?

Just for a minute.

(grunts)

Linds?

Fine.

Honk honk. A-ooga.

(both chuckling)

(crickets chirping)

(door closes)

♪ ♪

♪ Time stands still ♪

♪ Call your name ♪

♪ Fall in love ♪

(sniffles, stammers)

Jesus Christ.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just...

(sniffles)
crying in my car.

Is it something I did?

No.

So you're not... sleeping
with someone else?

No, Jimmy. We're fine.

Right.

So, should I leave you alone
then?

Yeah. Probably.
Okay,

well, see you. Uh...

So why'd you bring the phone?

Oh, I...

I like to play Snake
while I cry.

Oh.

Well, that's-that's
a classic game, that.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, my,
we're beginning to blue, oh ♪

♪ Oh, my, we're beginning
to blue, oh ♪

♪ A wi... ♪

14:16,808 --> 00:14:18,440
It's probably Mom's fault.

Probably.

She did always take
so many more photos of me.

Do you need a place to crash,

huh, until your power
gets turned back on?

Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- (chuckles)
- Yeah. The guest room's a nursery now,

but you... Okay. You can sleep
in Vernon's man cave.

He's at the hospital
and I'm going to prenatal yoga,

so, eh, the house
should be fairly quiet.

But I'm sure you're used
to the deafening silence

of an empty house by now.

(chuckling)

Oh.

- Mmm.
- You and I need to talk.

No shit.

Your girl's been sending me
banana-ass texts all day.

Actually, I sent those messages.

Look, just tell me,

are you her side bitch?

What? Hell no!

Bitch eats
floor candy.

Ain't seen a foreign film
in a decade.

Do you know why
she has a burner?

Oh, the God phone?

I gave her that
because sleepy bitches

don't deserve regular phones.

She didn't tell you
about my clever speech?

Now,

I'm gonna go hit up that girl
with the booty jorts over there.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.

She looks hydrated as hell!

Yeah.

...and, honestly,

I was thinking
about postponing the whole trip.

The Nepalese government
just put all these restrictions

on Everest because of the whole
human waste pollution.

Talk about a pile of shit,
right?

Well, that's the problem,
Gretchen.

No one does.

Hey, isn't that
Christoph Waltz?

Excuse me.

Christoph!

(exhales)

- _
- (beeping)

DOROTHY: This isn't about
forgetting a prop.

You guys
never bring props.

Uh, I made that big-ass
strawberry last month.

Mm-hmm.

I feel...

I feel like this group
doesn't respect me.

- (scoffing)
- JOSH: What?

You guys are always
showing me your balls.

- We're just joking around.
- Yeah.

It's sexual harassment.

- I'm a feminist.
- I was raised

- by two strong lesbians.
- You know I only use

- my balls ironically.
- Okay, and besides,

okay, you didn't seem to mind

my balls when you
were sucking on 'em

- for all these years.
- Oh.

- Boom!
- (chuckles)

Hey, you want to know why nobody
wants you to direct their shows?

Because you're a jerk and
your mise en scène sucks.

Oh, so you want to get honest
right now, huh?

Well, honestly, I am clearly

the most talented person
in this group,

and, as such,
I am sick and tired

of you guys refusing
to let me do "Baby Undertaker"!

"Baby Undertaker"
isn't funny!

You isn't funny!

You know, I think
it's finally time to admit

that Hey, Put That Down,
Brian! is going nowhere,

just like all of you guys, okay?

So, suck it, double suck it,

you don't get to suck it
anymore.

Tall Nathan
out.

For good.

Wait. Tall Nathan!

I'm out, too.

Are you okay?

I can't believe Tall Nathan
talked to you like that.

Things have been
getting weird.

We've been sleeping together
on and off for the last seven years.

Oh.

I can't believe
the group is done.

My God, I wasted all of my 20s
and part of my 30s.

Can I do anything?

You could hang out with me
a lot.

I suddenly have tons
of free time.

Watch your step.

(chuckles)

(clattering)

PAUL:
Lindsay?

You found me.

Yeah. What are
you doing here?

I don't know how to do anything.

Hey.

(clattering)

- I'm here.
- (sniffling)

Everything's gonna be okay.
Shh.

Wh-Whoa.

Linds, no.

Look, it's real tempting.

Your bazungas are epic stupid.

And ever since Becca hit
her second trimest,

she's been
a total cooze.

But I love her,

and I can't do that
to the mother of my child.

(audio distorting)

(normal): I'm gonna let you
get some sleep.

Wait. Vernon?

Do you think I'm useless?

You might not be useful
in the tradish sense,

but you're a good friend.
You make people happy.

Will you hold me?

Just for a minute.

(grunts)

Linds?

Fine.

Honk honk. A-ooga.

(both chuckling)

(crickets chirping)

(door closes)

♪ ♪

♪ Time stands still ♪

♪ Call your name ♪

♪ Fall in love ♪

(sniffles, stammers)

Jesus Christ.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just...

(sniffles)
crying in my car.

Is it something I did?

No.

So you're not... sleeping
with someone else?

No, Jimmy. We're fine.

Right.

So, should I leave you alone
then?

Yeah. Probably.
Okay,

well, see you. Uh...

So why'd you bring the phone?

Oh, I...

I like to play Snake
while I cry.

Oh.

Well, that's-that's
a