You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - There Is Not Currently a Problem - full transcript
The group tries to get rid of a mouse in Jimmy's house; Gretchen finally opens up to Jimmy.
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---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(filtered breathing)
Aw, damn it.
You're you.
I was having the
most amazing dream
where you were you,
but also you were
Janis Joplin.
But now you're just you.
You're sexually attracted
to Janis Joplin?
I don't know.
That is kind
of concerning.
Anyway, you,
Janis and me,
and my year four teacher,
Mr. Freer, were on a road trip.
Nope.
What?
No dreams.
No, that's for
other people.
My dreams are amazing.
Fine, then you're
not allowed to talk
about random
dogs you see.
But what if he's a little cowboy
wearing a bandana?
Right. I am gonna go
hop in the shower,
and then...
it's Bloody Mary time.
It's Sunday.
Why are you showering?
Oh, still having weird
feelings about Janis Joplin.
Figured I'd go sort
them out in there.
Hey, so, um... (clears throat)
you know last night,
when you were
crying in your car--
all good now, right?
Yeah, totally. I'm fine.
Okay, good.
Right, then.
Hakuna matata.
Did you just quote
The Lion King to me?
The lion what?
No, it's a...
it's a Swahili phrase.
No, I know th...
Are you sure
you're not quoting something?
Just Khalid, the kabob shop
owner in my old neighborhood.
I mean, the phrase doesn't
translate easily to English,
but it means...
that there is
not currently a problem.
So would you say it's a...
problem-free philosophy?
That's a tad
simplistic, but...
Okay, so it's like no worries
for the rest of your days?
(chuckles):
Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen.
The East Africans live
very much in the moment,
so it's not a guarantee
of smooth sailing forever.
That's just childish.
But you know what?
If you'd like to be
really positive about it, sure.
Hakuna matata,
for the rest of your days.
(chuckles)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
Oh!
Hey. You must
be Gretchen.
I'm Edgar's friend, Dorothy.
You know what
I was realizing?
We both have really
old-timey names.
Isn't that hilarious?
It's like,
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Both sipping egg cream ♪
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Hiding a man
in a closet. ♪
Ah, I know you.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
You're a theater girl.
(door opens, closes)
Morning.
Have you met Dorothy?
Oh, yeah, I already
made up a song.
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Both getting
stricken by polio. ♪
(laughing)
JIMMY:
Yeah, Janis was a no-go.
Pivoted to Grace Slick
at the last second,
so it wasn't a total waste.
Hi, Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Dorothy.
R-Remember?
From Hey, Put That Down Brian?
(gasps) Oh, yes!
Dorothy, of course!
Dorothy.
Lovely to see you.
Remember, I was the one
that suggested
pet cemetery
for that incest scene?
(laughs)
Of course.
Yes, we've been
hanging out lately,
so... that's why she's here.
Great. So...
Oh, right. Uh, yes.
And...
I'm sorry, I haven't
had time to go shopping.
Ugh, I'm starving.
Let's go to the diner.
Fine.
(giggles) Yeah, that's
not gonna happen, guys.
What are you talking about?
Don't you know what day it is?
Hint: it's the worst
driving day in Los Angeles.
Oh, is it sprinkling?
The Christmas parade?
Obama's on Kimmel again?
The march for the
Armenian thing?
Bicycles taking over
the street day?
Elmo fight outside
the Chinese Theater?
Aah! The marathon is today.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
They still do that?
Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to be stuck here all day.
No, we can't be!
We're adults. We can walk!
(laughter)
Okay.
What are we,
New Yorkers?
(bad New York accent):
Oh, fuggedaboutit.
Let's walk and get a pizza bagel
with Mayor Giuliani.
No.
Do you know what,
it's fine.
We'll just..
take it easy
and, uh,
wait this thing out.
I know.
(grunts)
Beans on toast.
Sounds disgusting,
but on the spectrum
of English cooking,
I would put it up there
with cabbage bread
and lung pudding.
Edgar, what have you done
to the bread bag?
Oh, that was
probably the mouse.
The mouse? What mouse?!
We have a mouse?!
I think he lives
in the laundry room.
No, the-the garage.
He made a-a little nest
out of Jimmy's unsold books.
Sorry, let me
get this straight.
We have a mouse crawling through
the food that we ingest,
and not only do you two
know about it,
but you're
absolutely unbothered?
He's kind of cute.
Yeah, if he's not
bothering anyone,
who cares that he's here?
I do! Me!
The person in whose
house you all live,
which now, apparently,
includes vermin!
Right, breakfast is canceled,
because due to your
staggering apathy
about living with the actual
cause of the plague itself,
I will be busy
evicting this mouse!
I'll help.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm amazing.
(chuckles)
(humming a tune)
You guys have fun.
Dancing to no music.
Oh, no!
Hey, it's really cool of you
to let Dorothy crash here.
Oh, yeah,
thanks for reminding me.
I was too upset about
the mouse to properly yell.
In what world is a freeloader
allowed to invite
someone else to stay?
That'd be like
Kato Kaelin
inviting someone to live in an
even tinier little guest house.
So what do you
think of Dorothy?
Why would you care what people
think of your girlfriend?
Gretchen's a
lunatic of whom
I should be profoundly ashamed,
and yet I'm not.
That maniac goes out
in the middle of the night
to cry in her car, and I'm like,
"Live and let live."
That's where she's been going?
Yeah, ap-apparently,
it's sort of her thing.
Whatever. Hakuna matata.
Ah, no worries.
Yeah, it's slightly
more nuanced than that,
but, yeah, essentially.
♪ ♪
Um, are we gonna stop
doing this at some point?
I got shin issues.
Don't know.
Hey, you want to
do an Avocadon't?
Nope.
It's this dumb thing
I do on Vine.
Nope!
Yeah, my most popular one is
where I try to breast-feed one
and then I burp it
and guacamole flies everywhere.
Nope!
Hey, I'm gonna
go grab an avocado.
I brought a bunch
in my bag.
Nope, no, no, no!
Aah! Lindsay!
Thank God!
(gasps)
We're dancing!
(whoops)
Oh, my God, Gretch,
it is literally
'Nam out there.
There was so much traffic,
I got through three
whole episodes
of the Just Farts
podcast, and then
I got to the thing,
and they wouldn't
let me through the people,
so I abandoned my car
and walked past the people
and they yelled at me.
And then some
Asian boy gave me
a cup of Gatorade,
which was weird.
And then I walked
all the way here, uphill.
And then I died. I'm dead.
Talking about the marathon?
I guess.
Whatever. I just had to get
out of Becca's stupid house.
She makes me put the seat down
when I pee.
What are you doing
at Becca's house?
Wow.
Gretch, you are really out
of the loop these days.
I'm staying there because
I don't have any power,
but Becca's driving me insane
with "baby" this
and "her bump" that.
Also, Vernon honked my boob.
Oh, my God,
is that your real voice?
Who's the rando?
Don't know.
Theater girl.
She was here
when I woke up.
Lindsay!
Did you meet Dorothy?
She's crashing with
me for a while.
What?
Uh, yeah.
Anyway, you guys
would probably
like each other a lot.
You both like naps.
Dorothy, tell Lindsay
about that nap you
took the other day.
I napped in a sunbeam.
EDGAR:
See? Anyway, I'm gonna
go get Jimmy
some gloves.
It's, uh, it's
not going well.
(door opens)
VERNON:
You guys,
traffic is banonkers.
I had to ditch the Beemer
and hoof it up here.
Do you know your car is parked
in the middle of Alvarado?
I could tell
it was yours
from the wine bottle
in the cup holder.
Who's the rando?
Oh, Dorothy.
I have a patient
named Dorothy. She's 92.
Oh, shit. I forgot.
She died last week.
Osteoporos. Her entire skeleton
basically liquefied.
Girls, drink your milk.
And 1.3% of men.
I need to talk to you,
solamente.
Come on,
theater girl!
And five and six
and seven and eight!
♪ I hear 'em say
it is what it is... ♪
Bed booze!
Why didn't I think of that?
What do you want, Vernon?
Please don't tell Becca
what happened
in the man cave
last night.
Oh, that? Whatever.
It felt good.
I won't tell.
Really? Okay.
Shit, you are one chill lady.
That is a relief.
I just...
feel so lonely lately.
I said I won't tell.
Bec and I used to have so much
fun, but when I come home now,
I can never win,
'cause she's talking about
how she's harnessing
the very power of life itself,
so who gives a crap if I just
made it so some old biddy
will be able
to plant bulbs next spring?
And really,
let's be honest,
Bec is just
milking this shit
so she can be
a 24/7 snack monster
and Jabba all over the place.
She won't even let me do her
anymore 'cause she's afraid
the baby might
come out wack. Shit!
I don't want some
wack-ass baby, but I have needs.
Anyway, I appreciate
your staying discreet.
I promise.
Okay, cool. You want me
to give you some money?
What?
Just... take some cash.
It'll make me feel better.
Okay. That feels
really good. I mean,
it feels good
to get that stuff off my chest.
(grunts)
(sighs)
♪ Click your heels,
click your heels ♪
♪ Click your heels,
now work it, work it... ♪
Why are we dancing?
Gretchen's doing it.
DEEJAY: It's your boy
Trace on Fire, 103!
We got Honey Nutz and S-stain
with a response
to Sam Dresden's dis track.
This is "Phony Hawk."
Yeah, these are my boys!
♪ ♪
Oh, I'm a P.R. genius.
So the feud's working?
Yeah!
Maybe a little
too well. Ooh!
Jesus, these lyrics are mean!
Sam's so gonna fire me.
Whatever. Jobs are dumb.
Hakuna matata!
So, what do you think
of Dorothy?
Pretty great, huh?
She a'ight.
JIMMY:
Where's the mouse?!
It ran in here!
Hello?
(music stops)
Why is no one helping me
catch this mouse?
You need a mouse? Shit,
we got, like, hundreds of them
in the lab at work; I'll
jack you all the mice you need.
You're all just dancing,
like some uncoordinated
doomsday cult,
while vermin run around
unchecked.
And why are
Vernon and Lindsay here?
Right?
I ran through
the people.
Please, will everyone be quiet
for one goddamn minute!
(faint squeaking)
I think it's
under the fridge.
Gretchen,
why don't you come help me.
Comin' at ya!
Hummus?
No.
Hold this.
Hey.
So, what's up with you?
Taking apart a fridge,
looking for a mouse.
Yeah, but why?
Is it fun?
Why is this mouse
such a big deal?
I just want to
catch the mouse.
There's no greater
significance to it.
Oh.
My childhood home had mice.
I thought nothing of it.
One day, my mate Daniel
spent the night,
and he woke up to a mouse
chewing on his nipple.
(sighs)
From then on,
everybody called me Mouse Boy.
My dad, even-- and it was
his disgusting house.
See, that's the thing
about my father...
Oh, God.
EDGAR:
So then, in the next scene,
Dorothy switched from
playing the pet shop owner
to being one of the cats,
and she coughed up
a giant hairball.
It was so gross.
VERNON: Oh, my God,
that's hilarious!
Hey, Dorothy, you got
to teach me something.
I bet I'd be real
good at improv.
I once made a patient
laugh so hard,
she peed all
over the table.
I mean, she was 89,
and her pelvic floor was wack,
but... yeah.
DOROTHY:
Sure, okay.
Um, we could start
with a simple
mirroring exercise.
So, pretend that
you're my reflection.
Okay.
No, mirror me.
Ha! Can't fool me-- everything's
backwards in a mirror.
Eh, okay, um...
LINDSAY:
Are you mad at me?
No. Why?
I just feel like we
had a connection...
that was fun
and exciting.
You know? Like...
new and different and
full of possibilities,
and now you're so busy.
I miss you.
You should come hang out
with me and Dorothy sometime.
VERNON: But I'm doing it
like in a mirror.
Rando.
I feel like you're
trying to trick me.
I absolutely am not.
This is boring.
I want to do a scene
where I get to be hilarious
and talk in a funny voice.
Or be a lady.
Hey, you want to do
an Avocadon't with me?
Hell yeah.
What is that,
like, things not to do
with an avocado?
Yes, actually.
I'll be right back.
Psst. Hey.
Listen, rando, slow your roll.
Oh, my God, is this about Edgar?
I am so sorry. I had no idea
that you guys
were a thing.
Because he has literally
never mentioned you.
Well, he's kind of
my backup side bitch,
and he likes it.
So maybe just,
like, respect that. 'Kay?
Goddamn it, I heard it in here!
Maybe you should summon it
with your Mouse Boy powers.
(laughs)
How much have you been drinking?
I don't know, like, seven?
What is going on with you?!
The only thing going on with me
is I am trying to make due
being stuck in this house,
and you're obsessed
with this stupid mouse!
I know, let's do shots.
Oh, my God, we're
out of booze.
Good. I think
you've had enough.
You've had enough. Edgar!
Edgar! We're out of booze.
We'll make
a run later.
M-Maybe Jimmy's right.
Relax.
Relax? Says the guy
so riddled with anxiety
he can't sleep through the
night without screaming!
Yes, well, uh, we all know
that I'm taking
the prescribed steps to overcome
the very common issues
caused by combat situations.
Ugh! We know.
You were in a war.
Get over it!
And while you're at it,
get over Lindsay.
Have enough self-respect
not to focus on someone
who's still clearly obsessed
with her lame, soft ex-husband.
(sets bottle down)
This is really
hard for me.
Oh. "Waah.
"My husband left me
for a female him,
and now I can't function
in life. Waah!"
(Dorothy laughing)
Oh, and you!
Theater girl!
Yes?
Improv is
the lowest form of comedy.
That whole school of
yours is just a bunch
of actors so janky-looking
no one will write lines
for them,
so you have
to make them up yourself.
Aw, shit.
You're what this
town calls a tweener.
You're not hot enough
to be the lead,
and not fat enough to
be the funny friend.
You already did me!
Do me, do me.
Not worth it.
Aw, man.
Look, as spectacularly
entertaining as this is,
maybe you should take
a breather.
And then there's Jimmy.
Aw, shit.
No, seriously,
Jimmy, I feel
such empathy for you,
being a writer.
I mean, everyone
feels sorry for kids
forced to work in
the diamond mines
in Sierra Leone,
but where is the telethon
for the noble writer?
Bravely drinking coffee,
spilling his blood
to get his feelings out,
filling two, maybe
three whole pages
before his heroic effort
is cut short by the desire
to watch Internet porn
or get a snack!
All of you!
Sucking the air out of the room
with your self-pity-riddled
non-problems!
Except you, Vernon.
You got real issues.
You're married to Becca.
Ha! Vernon, ya burnt!
This place is
an emotional black hole,
and if it wasn't
for the runners--
yes, they have a name,
they're not just "the people,"
you giant doofus--
I would be driving
as fast as I could
away from you all!
But I can't!
Because apparently,
I live here now, due to
completely-beyond-my-control
wiring issues for which
there will be a lawsuit.
Yes! There will be a lawsuit!
(sniffles)
There will be no lawsuit.
Mouse.
We know!
Mouse, mouse! We get it, Jimmy.
No. The mouse!
(squeaking)
(Gretchen screams)
It's back, isn't it?
It's gonna be like
sophomore year when you wore
the same Hoobastank T-shirt
three weeks in a row and only
ate Special K Red Berries?
Are you gonna tell Jimmy?
(crying): No. I can't tell him
my brain is broken.
Gretchen, you have never
been this much your
disgusting self around anyone.
I would have killed
to let Paul in
on all my gross secrets,
but I was too ashamed of them.
Like how I like
to drink soy sauce.
Or how I once sucked
Malcolm-Jamal Warner's dick
at Barney's Beanery.
(sighs) Lindsay...
If anyone's gonna be okay
with who you are, it's Jimmy.
You guys went into this
both knowing
you're total creeps, so don't
start keeping secrets now.
Wear your stains
on the outsides
of your clothes, Gretch.
Tell him.
(quietly):
I can't.
(mouse squeaking)
Aw...
(squeaking)
I think his leg
is broken.
We have to put it
out of its misery.
You want me to throw it
in the neighbor's yard?
They got a couple
of hyper corgis.
No, we should give him
a Viking funeral
in the reservoir.
I'll just squash it.
OTHERS: No!
Jesus.
No.
As much as I hate mice
and everything they represent,
this one put up a good fight.
It deserves to die
as humanely as possible.
(engine idling)
Do you want
to improvise a eulogy?
I'm afraid,
even though this speech
is a little cheesy,
I Muenster continue.
Gouda day, little guy.
Goddamn it, she's good.
So... yeah.
Uh...
(chuckles nervously)
I have a confession to make:
I have been drinking all day.
But this is me
apologizing
to you all...
I-Is the mouse
in that box?
Shh.
Rocket ship to Heaven.
VERNON:
How did we
barely even hang today?
I'm about to start
my annual Arliss
re-watch. You in?
(groans)
I'll FaceTime you.
I don't think your friends
like me very much.
What?! Of course they do.
The only nice one was
that loud ginger dude.
He isn't really
a doctor, is he?
I-I like you.
Well...
(turns off engine)
that's that.
As Khalid always says,
"The circle of life."
Hey, do you want
to get out of here?
The marathon
should be over.
I mean, by this time,
there's still always, like,
a blind guy
or a torso in the wheelchair,
but they keep them to one lane.
(trembling exhale)
It's okay.
The-the torsos usually have,
like, really devoted dads
who... push-push them.
What's going on with you?
Okay.
So, here's an interesting thing
that you don't know about me.
I am clinically depressed.
(chuckles)
It's been going on
my whole life, so I'm actually
really good at handling it.
Uh, it strikes me whenever,
and I have no idea why.
But it's fine.
I'm sorry I never told you.
Slipped my mind.
And who knows,
with the right attitude,
this could be a really fun
adventure for everyone.
So the only thing
I need from you is
to not make a big deal of it,
and be okay with how I am, and
the fact that you can't fix me.
Can't I, though?
I got that mouse.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ Poor old Ra,
you were much better off ♪
♪ As a sun god, weren't you? ♪
♪ No one gives a shit about
your falcon head anymore ♪
♪ And as Thoth,
I will bring her back. ♪
(dog barks)
[ Water Dripping ]
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
A fantasy league
is like a family--
said no one ever.
I have achieved more
than I ever thought possible--
a checking account,
unlimited texting.
Win or lose,
it's how you play
your friends.
Do I have any regrets?
Yeah. Tony Romo.
History is not written
by the winners.
It's written by the cheaters.
My mother always wondered,
how low can you go?
Well, Mom, pretty low.
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (radio, Muzak)
(gunshot)
(glass shatters)
(body thuds)
(bell jingles)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
(dings)
American Horror Story: Hotel.
All new Wednesdays at 10:00.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
Who are you guys?
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
What are you
looking for exactly?
(screams)
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
---
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
FXX presents You're the Worst.
[ Man Laughs ]
(filtered breathing)
Aw, damn it.
You're you.
I was having the
most amazing dream
where you were you,
but also you were
Janis Joplin.
But now you're just you.
You're sexually attracted
to Janis Joplin?
I don't know.
That is kind
of concerning.
Anyway, you,
Janis and me,
and my year four teacher,
Mr. Freer, were on a road trip.
Nope.
What?
No dreams.
No, that's for
other people.
My dreams are amazing.
Fine, then you're
not allowed to talk
about random
dogs you see.
But what if he's a little cowboy
wearing a bandana?
Right. I am gonna go
hop in the shower,
and then...
it's Bloody Mary time.
It's Sunday.
Why are you showering?
Oh, still having weird
feelings about Janis Joplin.
Figured I'd go sort
them out in there.
Hey, so, um... (clears throat)
you know last night,
when you were
crying in your car--
all good now, right?
Yeah, totally. I'm fine.
Okay, good.
Right, then.
Hakuna matata.
Did you just quote
The Lion King to me?
The lion what?
No, it's a...
it's a Swahili phrase.
No, I know th...
Are you sure
you're not quoting something?
Just Khalid, the kabob shop
owner in my old neighborhood.
I mean, the phrase doesn't
translate easily to English,
but it means...
that there is
not currently a problem.
So would you say it's a...
problem-free philosophy?
That's a tad
simplistic, but...
Okay, so it's like no worries
for the rest of your days?
(chuckles):
Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen.
The East Africans live
very much in the moment,
so it's not a guarantee
of smooth sailing forever.
That's just childish.
But you know what?
If you'd like to be
really positive about it, sure.
Hakuna matata,
for the rest of your days.
(chuckles)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
Oh!
Hey. You must
be Gretchen.
I'm Edgar's friend, Dorothy.
You know what
I was realizing?
We both have really
old-timey names.
Isn't that hilarious?
It's like,
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Both sipping egg cream ♪
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Hiding a man
in a closet. ♪
Ah, I know you.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
You're a theater girl.
(door opens, closes)
Morning.
Have you met Dorothy?
Oh, yeah, I already
made up a song.
♪ Dorothy and Gretchen ♪
♪ Both getting
stricken by polio. ♪
(laughing)
JIMMY:
Yeah, Janis was a no-go.
Pivoted to Grace Slick
at the last second,
so it wasn't a total waste.
Hi, Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Dorothy.
R-Remember?
From Hey, Put That Down Brian?
(gasps) Oh, yes!
Dorothy, of course!
Dorothy.
Lovely to see you.
Remember, I was the one
that suggested
pet cemetery
for that incest scene?
(laughs)
Of course.
Yes, we've been
hanging out lately,
so... that's why she's here.
Great. So...
Oh, right. Uh, yes.
And...
I'm sorry, I haven't
had time to go shopping.
Ugh, I'm starving.
Let's go to the diner.
Fine.
(giggles) Yeah, that's
not gonna happen, guys.
What are you talking about?
Don't you know what day it is?
Hint: it's the worst
driving day in Los Angeles.
Oh, is it sprinkling?
The Christmas parade?
Obama's on Kimmel again?
The march for the
Armenian thing?
Bicycles taking over
the street day?
Elmo fight outside
the Chinese Theater?
Aah! The marathon is today.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
They still do that?
Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to be stuck here all day.
No, we can't be!
We're adults. We can walk!
(laughter)
Okay.
What are we,
New Yorkers?
(bad New York accent):
Oh, fuggedaboutit.
Let's walk and get a pizza bagel
with Mayor Giuliani.
No.
Do you know what,
it's fine.
We'll just..
take it easy
and, uh,
wait this thing out.
I know.
(grunts)
Beans on toast.
Sounds disgusting,
but on the spectrum
of English cooking,
I would put it up there
with cabbage bread
and lung pudding.
Edgar, what have you done
to the bread bag?
Oh, that was
probably the mouse.
The mouse? What mouse?!
We have a mouse?!
I think he lives
in the laundry room.
No, the-the garage.
He made a-a little nest
out of Jimmy's unsold books.
Sorry, let me
get this straight.
We have a mouse crawling through
the food that we ingest,
and not only do you two
know about it,
but you're
absolutely unbothered?
He's kind of cute.
Yeah, if he's not
bothering anyone,
who cares that he's here?
I do! Me!
The person in whose
house you all live,
which now, apparently,
includes vermin!
Right, breakfast is canceled,
because due to your
staggering apathy
about living with the actual
cause of the plague itself,
I will be busy
evicting this mouse!
I'll help.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm amazing.
(chuckles)
(humming a tune)
You guys have fun.
Dancing to no music.
Oh, no!
Hey, it's really cool of you
to let Dorothy crash here.
Oh, yeah,
thanks for reminding me.
I was too upset about
the mouse to properly yell.
In what world is a freeloader
allowed to invite
someone else to stay?
That'd be like
Kato Kaelin
inviting someone to live in an
even tinier little guest house.
So what do you
think of Dorothy?
Why would you care what people
think of your girlfriend?
Gretchen's a
lunatic of whom
I should be profoundly ashamed,
and yet I'm not.
That maniac goes out
in the middle of the night
to cry in her car, and I'm like,
"Live and let live."
That's where she's been going?
Yeah, ap-apparently,
it's sort of her thing.
Whatever. Hakuna matata.
Ah, no worries.
Yeah, it's slightly
more nuanced than that,
but, yeah, essentially.
♪ ♪
Um, are we gonna stop
doing this at some point?
I got shin issues.
Don't know.
Hey, you want to
do an Avocadon't?
Nope.
It's this dumb thing
I do on Vine.
Nope!
Yeah, my most popular one is
where I try to breast-feed one
and then I burp it
and guacamole flies everywhere.
Nope!
Hey, I'm gonna
go grab an avocado.
I brought a bunch
in my bag.
Nope, no, no, no!
Aah! Lindsay!
Thank God!
(gasps)
We're dancing!
(whoops)
Oh, my God, Gretch,
it is literally
'Nam out there.
There was so much traffic,
I got through three
whole episodes
of the Just Farts
podcast, and then
I got to the thing,
and they wouldn't
let me through the people,
so I abandoned my car
and walked past the people
and they yelled at me.
And then some
Asian boy gave me
a cup of Gatorade,
which was weird.
And then I walked
all the way here, uphill.
And then I died. I'm dead.
Talking about the marathon?
I guess.
Whatever. I just had to get
out of Becca's stupid house.
She makes me put the seat down
when I pee.
What are you doing
at Becca's house?
Wow.
Gretch, you are really out
of the loop these days.
I'm staying there because
I don't have any power,
but Becca's driving me insane
with "baby" this
and "her bump" that.
Also, Vernon honked my boob.
Oh, my God,
is that your real voice?
Who's the rando?
Don't know.
Theater girl.
She was here
when I woke up.
Lindsay!
Did you meet Dorothy?
She's crashing with
me for a while.
What?
Uh, yeah.
Anyway, you guys
would probably
like each other a lot.
You both like naps.
Dorothy, tell Lindsay
about that nap you
took the other day.
I napped in a sunbeam.
EDGAR:
See? Anyway, I'm gonna
go get Jimmy
some gloves.
It's, uh, it's
not going well.
(door opens)
VERNON:
You guys,
traffic is banonkers.
I had to ditch the Beemer
and hoof it up here.
Do you know your car is parked
in the middle of Alvarado?
I could tell
it was yours
from the wine bottle
in the cup holder.
Who's the rando?
Oh, Dorothy.
I have a patient
named Dorothy. She's 92.
Oh, shit. I forgot.
She died last week.
Osteoporos. Her entire skeleton
basically liquefied.
Girls, drink your milk.
And 1.3% of men.
I need to talk to you,
solamente.
Come on,
theater girl!
And five and six
and seven and eight!
♪ I hear 'em say
it is what it is... ♪
Bed booze!
Why didn't I think of that?
What do you want, Vernon?
Please don't tell Becca
what happened
in the man cave
last night.
Oh, that? Whatever.
It felt good.
I won't tell.
Really? Okay.
Shit, you are one chill lady.
That is a relief.
I just...
feel so lonely lately.
I said I won't tell.
Bec and I used to have so much
fun, but when I come home now,
I can never win,
'cause she's talking about
how she's harnessing
the very power of life itself,
so who gives a crap if I just
made it so some old biddy
will be able
to plant bulbs next spring?
And really,
let's be honest,
Bec is just
milking this shit
so she can be
a 24/7 snack monster
and Jabba all over the place.
She won't even let me do her
anymore 'cause she's afraid
the baby might
come out wack. Shit!
I don't want some
wack-ass baby, but I have needs.
Anyway, I appreciate
your staying discreet.
I promise.
Okay, cool. You want me
to give you some money?
What?
Just... take some cash.
It'll make me feel better.
Okay. That feels
really good. I mean,
it feels good
to get that stuff off my chest.
(grunts)
(sighs)
♪ Click your heels,
click your heels ♪
♪ Click your heels,
now work it, work it... ♪
Why are we dancing?
Gretchen's doing it.
DEEJAY: It's your boy
Trace on Fire, 103!
We got Honey Nutz and S-stain
with a response
to Sam Dresden's dis track.
This is "Phony Hawk."
Yeah, these are my boys!
♪ ♪
Oh, I'm a P.R. genius.
So the feud's working?
Yeah!
Maybe a little
too well. Ooh!
Jesus, these lyrics are mean!
Sam's so gonna fire me.
Whatever. Jobs are dumb.
Hakuna matata!
So, what do you think
of Dorothy?
Pretty great, huh?
She a'ight.
JIMMY:
Where's the mouse?!
It ran in here!
Hello?
(music stops)
Why is no one helping me
catch this mouse?
You need a mouse? Shit,
we got, like, hundreds of them
in the lab at work; I'll
jack you all the mice you need.
You're all just dancing,
like some uncoordinated
doomsday cult,
while vermin run around
unchecked.
And why are
Vernon and Lindsay here?
Right?
I ran through
the people.
Please, will everyone be quiet
for one goddamn minute!
(faint squeaking)
I think it's
under the fridge.
Gretchen,
why don't you come help me.
Comin' at ya!
Hummus?
No.
Hold this.
Hey.
So, what's up with you?
Taking apart a fridge,
looking for a mouse.
Yeah, but why?
Is it fun?
Why is this mouse
such a big deal?
I just want to
catch the mouse.
There's no greater
significance to it.
Oh.
My childhood home had mice.
I thought nothing of it.
One day, my mate Daniel
spent the night,
and he woke up to a mouse
chewing on his nipple.
(sighs)
From then on,
everybody called me Mouse Boy.
My dad, even-- and it was
his disgusting house.
See, that's the thing
about my father...
Oh, God.
EDGAR:
So then, in the next scene,
Dorothy switched from
playing the pet shop owner
to being one of the cats,
and she coughed up
a giant hairball.
It was so gross.
VERNON: Oh, my God,
that's hilarious!
Hey, Dorothy, you got
to teach me something.
I bet I'd be real
good at improv.
I once made a patient
laugh so hard,
she peed all
over the table.
I mean, she was 89,
and her pelvic floor was wack,
but... yeah.
DOROTHY:
Sure, okay.
Um, we could start
with a simple
mirroring exercise.
So, pretend that
you're my reflection.
Okay.
No, mirror me.
Ha! Can't fool me-- everything's
backwards in a mirror.
Eh, okay, um...
LINDSAY:
Are you mad at me?
No. Why?
I just feel like we
had a connection...
that was fun
and exciting.
You know? Like...
new and different and
full of possibilities,
and now you're so busy.
I miss you.
You should come hang out
with me and Dorothy sometime.
VERNON: But I'm doing it
like in a mirror.
Rando.
I feel like you're
trying to trick me.
I absolutely am not.
This is boring.
I want to do a scene
where I get to be hilarious
and talk in a funny voice.
Or be a lady.
Hey, you want to do
an Avocadon't with me?
Hell yeah.
What is that,
like, things not to do
with an avocado?
Yes, actually.
I'll be right back.
Psst. Hey.
Listen, rando, slow your roll.
Oh, my God, is this about Edgar?
I am so sorry. I had no idea
that you guys
were a thing.
Because he has literally
never mentioned you.
Well, he's kind of
my backup side bitch,
and he likes it.
So maybe just,
like, respect that. 'Kay?
Goddamn it, I heard it in here!
Maybe you should summon it
with your Mouse Boy powers.
(laughs)
How much have you been drinking?
I don't know, like, seven?
What is going on with you?!
The only thing going on with me
is I am trying to make due
being stuck in this house,
and you're obsessed
with this stupid mouse!
I know, let's do shots.
Oh, my God, we're
out of booze.
Good. I think
you've had enough.
You've had enough. Edgar!
Edgar! We're out of booze.
We'll make
a run later.
M-Maybe Jimmy's right.
Relax.
Relax? Says the guy
so riddled with anxiety
he can't sleep through the
night without screaming!
Yes, well, uh, we all know
that I'm taking
the prescribed steps to overcome
the very common issues
caused by combat situations.
Ugh! We know.
You were in a war.
Get over it!
And while you're at it,
get over Lindsay.
Have enough self-respect
not to focus on someone
who's still clearly obsessed
with her lame, soft ex-husband.
(sets bottle down)
This is really
hard for me.
Oh. "Waah.
"My husband left me
for a female him,
and now I can't function
in life. Waah!"
(Dorothy laughing)
Oh, and you!
Theater girl!
Yes?
Improv is
the lowest form of comedy.
That whole school of
yours is just a bunch
of actors so janky-looking
no one will write lines
for them,
so you have
to make them up yourself.
Aw, shit.
You're what this
town calls a tweener.
You're not hot enough
to be the lead,
and not fat enough to
be the funny friend.
You already did me!
Do me, do me.
Not worth it.
Aw, man.
Look, as spectacularly
entertaining as this is,
maybe you should take
a breather.
And then there's Jimmy.
Aw, shit.
No, seriously,
Jimmy, I feel
such empathy for you,
being a writer.
I mean, everyone
feels sorry for kids
forced to work in
the diamond mines
in Sierra Leone,
but where is the telethon
for the noble writer?
Bravely drinking coffee,
spilling his blood
to get his feelings out,
filling two, maybe
three whole pages
before his heroic effort
is cut short by the desire
to watch Internet porn
or get a snack!
All of you!
Sucking the air out of the room
with your self-pity-riddled
non-problems!
Except you, Vernon.
You got real issues.
You're married to Becca.
Ha! Vernon, ya burnt!
This place is
an emotional black hole,
and if it wasn't
for the runners--
yes, they have a name,
they're not just "the people,"
you giant doofus--
I would be driving
as fast as I could
away from you all!
But I can't!
Because apparently,
I live here now, due to
completely-beyond-my-control
wiring issues for which
there will be a lawsuit.
Yes! There will be a lawsuit!
(sniffles)
There will be no lawsuit.
Mouse.
We know!
Mouse, mouse! We get it, Jimmy.
No. The mouse!
(squeaking)
(Gretchen screams)
It's back, isn't it?
It's gonna be like
sophomore year when you wore
the same Hoobastank T-shirt
three weeks in a row and only
ate Special K Red Berries?
Are you gonna tell Jimmy?
(crying): No. I can't tell him
my brain is broken.
Gretchen, you have never
been this much your
disgusting self around anyone.
I would have killed
to let Paul in
on all my gross secrets,
but I was too ashamed of them.
Like how I like
to drink soy sauce.
Or how I once sucked
Malcolm-Jamal Warner's dick
at Barney's Beanery.
(sighs) Lindsay...
If anyone's gonna be okay
with who you are, it's Jimmy.
You guys went into this
both knowing
you're total creeps, so don't
start keeping secrets now.
Wear your stains
on the outsides
of your clothes, Gretch.
Tell him.
(quietly):
I can't.
(mouse squeaking)
Aw...
(squeaking)
I think his leg
is broken.
We have to put it
out of its misery.
You want me to throw it
in the neighbor's yard?
They got a couple
of hyper corgis.
No, we should give him
a Viking funeral
in the reservoir.
I'll just squash it.
OTHERS: No!
Jesus.
No.
As much as I hate mice
and everything they represent,
this one put up a good fight.
It deserves to die
as humanely as possible.
(engine idling)
Do you want
to improvise a eulogy?
I'm afraid,
even though this speech
is a little cheesy,
I Muenster continue.
Gouda day, little guy.
Goddamn it, she's good.
So... yeah.
Uh...
(chuckles nervously)
I have a confession to make:
I have been drinking all day.
But this is me
apologizing
to you all...
I-Is the mouse
in that box?
Shh.
Rocket ship to Heaven.
VERNON:
How did we
barely even hang today?
I'm about to start
my annual Arliss
re-watch. You in?
(groans)
I'll FaceTime you.
I don't think your friends
like me very much.
What?! Of course they do.
The only nice one was
that loud ginger dude.
He isn't really
a doctor, is he?
I-I like you.
Well...
(turns off engine)
that's that.
As Khalid always says,
"The circle of life."
Hey, do you want
to get out of here?
The marathon
should be over.
I mean, by this time,
there's still always, like,
a blind guy
or a torso in the wheelchair,
but they keep them to one lane.
(trembling exhale)
It's okay.
The-the torsos usually have,
like, really devoted dads
who... push-push them.
What's going on with you?
Okay.
So, here's an interesting thing
that you don't know about me.
I am clinically depressed.
(chuckles)
It's been going on
my whole life, so I'm actually
really good at handling it.
Uh, it strikes me whenever,
and I have no idea why.
But it's fine.
I'm sorry I never told you.
Slipped my mind.
And who knows,
with the right attitude,
this could be a really fun
adventure for everyone.
So the only thing
I need from you is
to not make a big deal of it,
and be okay with how I am, and
the fact that you can't fix me.
Can't I, though?
I got that mouse.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ Poor old Ra,
you were much better off ♪
♪ As a sun god, weren't you? ♪
♪ No one gives a shit about
your falcon head anymore ♪
♪ And as Thoth,
I will bring her back. ♪
(dog barks)
[ Water Dripping ]
[ Clears Throat ]
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
[ Crowd Cheering ]
A fantasy league
is like a family--
said no one ever.
I have achieved more
than I ever thought possible--
a checking account,
unlimited texting.
Win or lose,
it's how you play
your friends.
Do I have any regrets?
Yeah. Tony Romo.
History is not written
by the winners.
It's written by the cheaters.
My mother always wondered,
how low can you go?
Well, Mom, pretty low.
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
♪ (radio, Muzak)
(gunshot)
(glass shatters)
(body thuds)
(bell jingles)
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
(dings)
American Horror Story: Hotel.
All new Wednesdays at 10:00.
-This January--
-Yow!
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
-Hoo!
-Ow!
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
Sunny returns January.
Only on FXX.
Who are you guys?
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
What are you
looking for exactly?
(screams)
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.