You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - PTSD - full transcript

After Jimmy accidentally sleeps with an A-List celebrity, he and Gretchen embark on a sex arms race to even out their score.

The key to any
successful relationship

is communication.

What do you think is
keeping the two of you

from being able to fully
trust each other?

Most of the time,
things are good.

But out of the blue, we'll have
a minor disagreement.

And then we're fighting for hours.

Vernon, what do you think
about what Becca just said?

Pissed, dude.

Bummed. It makes me feel like

what the shit?

She talks to me like I'm a child.

Because you are a child.

Oh, really?
A child doctor, Becca?

A child doctor with a BMW 7 Series

and credit score well into
the five hundos?

He almost got fired
because during a hip resurfacing,

he took his sunglasses,

put them on the patient's testicles
and took a picture of it.

- Very unpro...
- Humor is a necessity

in the operating room.

Otherwise, we would collapse

under the sheer weight
of the human drama.

- Guys? Right...
- You fix tennis elbows

for rich people!

Do not tell me
how to do my calling!

Okay, guys,
let's take a breath.

And remember you're here because
you love each other.

There she is.

Is it possible that the problem
isn't between the two of you?

But rather in the negative
external elements

that are influencing your relationship?

So, our therapist said

we need to cut out the toxic
elements, which means

we just can't have couples
like you in our life anymore.

We're not a couple.

We're just hanging out.

Wait. Breakfast
is still on you, right?

Yeah, totally.
I gave them my card.

It's a "Chase Saph", which means
when I use it at restaurants,

- I double-down on the points...
- Anyway.

- Don't try to talk us out of it.
- Okay.

Well, good luck.
Both of you.

So, I got an Xbox One if you
ever want to dork out on some Madden.

- Vernon?
- I meant dork out online.

We can't even headset-hang?

Will you please stop
thinking about Madden...?

What are you doing later?

I am interviewing
"Hollywood It Girl" Megan Thomas

- for Coterie magazine.
- Oh, she's hot. Send me pics.


Yeah, okay, buddy.

If you think you can get Megan
Thomas naked,

- more power to you.
- Well, I was kidding.

But as you said,
"We're not a couple,"

so legally, I'm free to try, right?

Did it bother you
when I said that?

No, no.

It's important to set clear rules.

Hey. This is on the curly ginger, yeah?

All right, in that case,
we'll take some things to go.

Well, one of everything
from the left side.

Oh, and four of those
souvenir T-shirts.

Ooh, throw
in a large child's.


- Killian.
- Who?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway... ♪

- sync & corrections by wolfen -
- -

Okay, so, um... does one
prepare for a role in which you

play a....


A tsunami widow?

Shut up.

Um, all right, this is
the official quote.

It was a singular pleasure

to be able to bring a story
of such courage to life.

Plus, I did, like, six weeks

of Haleo and CrossFit twice a day.

Feel my calf, dude.

That does indeed feel like
the calf of a grieving widow.


- You're a foot dude.
- No.


You don't have to let go.

Does your girlfriend have nice feet?

Aw, she's not
my girlfriend.

In fact, earlier today,

she said it straight out,
"We are not a couple."

Yeah, that's just something

that girls say 'cause
they feel like they have to.

No, she's not like that at all.

She's actually challenged me
to try and get a...

a nude photo of you.

I mean, of course I told her
that would be

completely unprofessional.

We should get another round.

Perfect timing.
I have great news.

What... you found
your own place?

My therapist said
I should be alone

as little as possible on account of how

- I've been waking up holding a knife.
- Mm.

- Wait, what?!
- Ah, it's not important.

Anyway, the news was

- I made breakfast nachos.
- Go back to the knife thing.

Not just breakfast nachos,

breakfast nachos
"a la Jimmy and Gretchen"

with the peanuts on top, because I know
how Gretchen likes the crunch.

- Hey! I got to go, bud.
- I'll, uh, I'll walk you out.


Me gusta.

I can't believe Jimmy
sent you naked photos of a celeb.

I kind of dared him to.

I didn't think he'd actually be
able to hit that.

You have to break up
with him... big.

Ooh, what if we spray-painted
"pedophile" on his garage door?

I did that when my neighbors left
their Christmas lights up too long.

I can't exactly
be pissed off.

- I'm not his girlfriend.
- Well, you at least

have to sleep with someone else,
too, or you'll resent him forever.

That's feminism, Gretch.

That's what Susan B. Anthony died for.

Do you even know
who Susan B. Anthony is?

She made
an airplane disappear.

Nope. What?
That's Amelia Earhart.

- And she didn't make an air...
- Whatever, history.

You happened already.
Let it go.

I'm not gonna have
sex with some stranger.

What about that barista
with the giant hog you dated?

Venti? The size barely made up
for the fact that his moustache was

connected to his sideburns. It was like
getting banged by John Quincy Adams.

America's first black astronaut.

I'm so glad
you don't have a job.



- Oh, my God. Long time.
- I know.

- You're still working here.
- Yeah!

- How is your band?
- Oh, our drummer was

scuba diving in Cancun and
somehow went deaf.

- So if you know any drummers...
- I will keep my ear out.

Do you still have your van?


- Meet me there in five.
- Oh, I wish I could.

But I'm a manager now and
if I abandon my post,

my boss will fire me.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Congrats on the photos.

Megan Thomas...
bringing back the bush.

It was for a grieving
widow role. You're not mad, are you?


Like you said, it was totally
legal for you to do that.

- Because we're not a couple.
- Yeah.

We're just two chill people,
being totally cool about stuff.

You can have sex with celebs,

I can bang an ex...
which I did...

Which is great.
Because now we're even.

- Sorry, you did what?
- Yeah.

I ran into that barista from
Silver Lake Coffee.

- Who, Grande?
- Yes, that was his nickname.

- You're not mad, are you?
- Pfft.

Of course not. I'm just confused,
because you just used the word "even."

Because, technically,
I slept with a sexy,

famous celebrity I'd just met,
while you just re-banged a barista.

So that doesn't really count as
a full person, does it?

He's, like, half a person.
At best.

Didn't feel like
half a person.

- And I've just remembered
- Venti.

- I didn't want to rub it in.
- Nothing to rub in.

In no world does Hollywood It
Girl Megan Thomas

equal your chaiwallah.

But hey, by all means,
let's call it "even."

- Where you going?
- I have stuff to do!

Ron Stitches Show...

Welcome back to
The Ron Stitches Show.

I'm Ron and we've got Edgar in

Los Angeles, who says his roommate's
sex life is causing him problems.

What's the deal, Edgar?

Well, Ron, I'm kind of
in a moral dilemma.

A moral dilemma or an
oral dilemma?

Oh, yes...

Ooh, now, the thing is
I really like my roommate's girlfriend.

And you plan on

- hittin' that, right?
- Oh, yes...!

No. No, no, no, no.
I-I mean as a person.

I really want them to work out.

The thing is...

He slept with someone else, and...

I don't know if I should tell her or not.

Whoa, whoa, what?
Rat out your bro, bro?

Is this a prank call?

Cheryl, you're screening
these calls, right?

Or are you just sitting
over there playing

with them big old hooters of yours?

It's just that ever
since I came back from Iraq,

I haven't really met many people
I can talk to... and she listens.

First off, I'd like to say
thank you for you service, soldier.

If I didn't have this
god-dang bee allergy,

I would have been right
over there with you.

So talk to me.
You ever shoot that .50 cal?

I shot one in Vegas one time.

It was hell, man.

I got separated from my squad
somewhere between Crazy Girls

and the Spearmint Rhino and...

- Actually, he's right.
- Linds!

Think about it.
Megan Thomas is a major score.

She's like totally Hollywood's...

Don't say
"Hollywood's It Girl."

She is.
And Venti is old news.

He's previously taken dick.

- PTD, if you will.
- PTD.

Okay, so what if there's a guy
that I haven't...

- taken, but I did maybe...
- Slob on it?

Still wouldn't count.
You've got to rule out

previously taken or sucked dicks...


That's what Edgar has.

- Aw...
- PTSDs are half a point.

Kind of like how a competitive
bird watcher only gets points

when he sees a new species he hasn't.

Paul does
competitive bird watching?

I don't want
to talk about it.

The whole thing's stupid.

So finish it!

The sooner you put
someone behind you,

the sooner you can put
this behind you.

Wow, Denver.

I've never met anyone who makes
their own furniture before.

That canopy bed sounds amazing.

I would love
to check it out sometime.

Well, finish up that drink
and I'll show it to you.

You see this headboard?
It's all salvaged wood!

Took me three months
to refurbish the hull

of a Nova Scotian haddock trawler.

I mean, as a black actor,

you're talking drug dealer,
athlete, judge...

Or sometimes God, if you're old.

Do you know how many
McDonald's commercials

I've been in as a black actor?

I can hear that damn jingle in
my sleep.

I'm not lovin' it.
They love it.

Don't you think, now that
12 Years a Slave has

- won Best Picture...
- Man, y'all white people love

slavery movies even more
than you loved actual slavery.

As a black actor...

So there I am,
at the after-party

for Danny Brown's latest album,
and I'm in this house in the hills,

no idea where I am, and I look at
a picture on the wall

and I realize it's Diana Ross.

I am at Diana Ross's house.

So I go to the bathroom,
I grab a hairbrush...


That's the play
I'm talking about!

Well, I'd really like
to try to get into writing

movies and teleplays, but honestly,
I'd be happy anywhere in...

I'd call it "the biz,"

but I just moved out here from Ohio
in the family mini-van...


- And I'm out.
- Wait!

Why don't you go get us two more?

It's so awful
we have to feel any of this.

Lust, love...

Don't we have bigger problems
to worry about?

I am in a bar, trolling for dudes,

just to prove something... to who?
To Darwin?

To myself?

It is embarrassing
and beneath us

is what I am saying.

- You know?
- Not really.

But I will say,

if this Darwin clown is
not treating you properly...

He's a goddamn fool.

I mean, sure, he
sleeps in flannel pajamas

with socks, and yes,
he spends six weeks

of every summer at a magic
camp for adults and...

Okay, he has an allergy to soap
and we have to buy him that

special oil for dogs...
but he's my husband.

And he doesn't deserve
for anybody to be mean to him.


- How could anyone not like Paul?
- I know!


- You like that?
- I don't know.

Wait. Move me, like,
six inches right.

My face is way too near that booger.

- Hello, Padre.
- Hello.

I have a dilemma.
I... I know this secret,

and I can't decide if I should tell.

If I do,

- a lot of people could get hurt.
- Son, your situation

reminds me of a sermon
I just delivered.

I related Paul's

Letter to the Corinthians to
individual moral responsibility.

What I said was...

Wait, how did I put it?

I said it so good.
Terry was there.

Terry! Damn it.
Has anybody seen Terry?

Anyway, the gist of it was

listen to your own conscience,

but at the same time, don't do
anything that could cause harm.

Oh, well, it's just that
if I sit on this,

it could get even worse.

What is the nature
of this information?

I've said too much already.

I know what I have to do.

Yeah, it's me.

I think we got another
Snowden on our hands.

- Hello.
- Can't talk long.

- I just wanted to tell you we're even.
- What, Venti again?

Nope. We've both slept
with someone new, which makes us even.

- So, yay us.
- Wait, that's not even.

My person was a stranger,

which was one point, your person was
Venti, which was worth a half,

so I was one-half up on you.

But now with this new person,
you're one-half up on me.

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

- Who cares? Can't we just call it a draw?
- Well, that's easy for

you to say, you're one-half up.

Now I have to sleep with an ex.

Yeah, okay.
Good luck with that.

Anyway, I gotta go.
Some work thing. Bye.

Um, do you have
a work thing?

Because I don't have anything on
your calendar.

Hurry up.
You're letting all the cold air out.

Well, I hope you're here
to repay the $300 you guys

somehow spent at breakfast.

Why does everyone hate me?
I know it's weird to ask you...

you rightfully hate my guts.

But what's wrong with me that
I can't sustain a single relationship?

Oh... I hate
emotional Jimmy.

Come in.

Everyone I care about
ends up hating me.

Why is that?

Oh, because
you're a narcissist

with face-blindness who,
without hesitation or

consequence, uses people to get
what you want.

God, you know me so well.

Can I have one of those?

- They're pretty expensive.
- I know.

I used to buy them for you
all the time.

Shut up and give me one.

So, um... where's Vernon?

You just missed him.

He left to go do his rotation,

or as he calls it, his "rotaish."

I didn't know he did night "rotaishes."

Oh, my God!
Jimmy, what the hell!


- Sorry. Should... should I go?
- Yes!


we're even.

It's one-and-a-half
to one-and-a-half.

- Bagged an ex.
- Ah.

- Who was she?
- She's this girl... Hillary.

You don't know her.
Unmemorable, but... pliant.

Oh, great.

- So... we are even.
- Are you mad?


Why would I be mad?
It's all good, brah.

Why are you talking
like Guy Fieri?

'Cause, Jimmy, you don't
really want to know what's on my mind.

That's not what this is.
We are just two independently

existing people who get together
to have sex.

Well, how do
I determine what we are?

You're the one who started this
whole thing when you said...

You're the one who did, Jimmy.

You did goddamn
Hollywood lt Girl Megan Thomas.

Only because
you said I could!

And then I sleep
with one guy and you freak out!

It was one-and-a-half guys!

So you are jealous.
Why don't you just admit you

can't handle it if I sleep with
someone else?

Fine, if you admit

- that you can't handle it if I do.
- Fine!

Well, then maybe
we should be "exclusive."

- Is that what you want?
- Ooh, yeah,

that'd be awesome. Let's do that.

- Yeah, great.
- Great.

Guess we're "exclusive," then.

Wait. Are we being sarcastic
or are we actually exclusive?

I got a little bit lost
in there somewhere.

But yeah...

I guess we're... exclusive.

Okay. Cool.


Can you believe
Becca and Vernon said we were toxic?

Yeah, no kidding.
What a joke.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪



♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Sun on its cycle ♪

♪ Don't carry it away ♪

♪ All light within it changes

♪ Only the sun ♪

♪ Needs re-arranging ♪

♪ Darling, there's hardly ♪

♪ Anything ♪

♪ Burning faster for you ♪

♪ You say, "Don't go, oh-oh" ♪

Let go...

♪ Don't go ♪

♪ Everything close ♪

♪ Oh, but you know ♪
♪ Oh, let it go ♪

♪ Darling, there's more than ♪

♪ Anything burning faster for you ♪

♪ You'll say, "Don't go, oh-oh" ♪

♪ Don't go, oh-oh... ♪
♪ Farewell, she knew ya... ♪

Come in.

I know this isn't a great time,
but there's something I have to say.

Gretchen, this is going to upset you,
and Jimmy...

You're going to hate me
for ratting, but...

Edgar, we're not
doing anything!

What's the awful news, Edgar?

Uh, just that...

I was making you guys nachos
"a la Jimmy and Gretchen"

and it turns out we're out of peanuts.

Make them without the peanuts.

Okay. I will.

Oh, and, uh... you're welcome.

- For the nachos?
- Yeah. For the nachos.

- sync & corrections by wolfen -
- -