You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Only Thing That Helps - full transcript

("I Walk for Miles"
by Dinosaur Jr. playing)

♪ I walk for miles

♪ I came for you

♪ Stop for a while

♪ What's left to do?

♪ Left there so tired

♪ Won't hold of you

♪

♪ Set my heart is too

(quietly) Yes!

(exhales)

♪ Set my beats on you.

♪

♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway.

JIMMY: He went to wipe it away,
and she said, "No. Leave it."

And there it lay,
like a raindrop, tremulous,

quivering...

on the hood of her father's
beloved Aston Martin.

(exhales)

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

Okay.

Ugh! My car's doing that thing

where if I take my hands
off the steering wheel

for more than, like,
ten seconds at a time,

it starts drifting
all over the road.

This came for you.

What?

We can litter
in our own front yard now?!

So...

my boss wants me to take
this new client out.

Oh, I swear to God,
the last thing I need

is another crazy
high-maintenance musician.

Oh, my God! I just got
some video of a raccoon

running down our street with
two fistfuls of Chinese food.

The Internet is gonna go bonkers
for Chow Mein Raccoon.

Oh, hey, this came for you.

I know. It's trash.

What is it? My father's ashes.

(screaming)

Oh, I have to!

(screams) Okay.

(groans)

BOTH: Oh!

Oh, Jimmy! Ew! Ew!

It's all chunky! (Groaning)

(grunts)

Oh, there's a note. (Blowing)

Oh, hey, guys,
sorry, I-I don't have

my pot card yet, so...

Eject.

(scoffs softly)

(British accent) "Shitty Jimmy",

"here's Dad's ashes.

"He wanted you to have
a memorial for him,

"because you're rich and
talk good." (laughs)

You gonna do it? Absolutely.

I'm gonna just stop
writing my book because

my father thinks I should
throw him a memorial service

despite forgetting
my birthdays five through 33.

Quick, let's rent
the Coolhaus truck!

Jimmy, you know I'm here
if you ever want to...

Have sex? Great. Let's go.

Okay. But I have
a meeting later.

So just keep me clean
from... here up.

This... (door closes)

is Raul.

He's interested in
playing with us.

So, we're all playing?

Well, you'll be watching
me and Raul playing.

And absolutely, down the line...

we could do whatever
your thing is.

Well, actually...
Yeah, down the line.

I don't know if I can do this.

I mean, I don't even like

watching other men
put gas in my car.

But you said!
I'm sorry. I just can't.

(pants)

Maybe we could get
a couple's massage.

Or I saw a Groupon

for boudoir photography.

I could wear a fedora.

You could be my client

whose legs go
all the way down to the floor.

That sounds...

(sighs) fine.

(gentle music playing)

May I have this dance?

(chuckles)

See?

We still have spark.

(both laugh)

I'd dip you, but my
stitches might pop out.

Honestly, Gretchen,
I never cared about publicity.

I mean, I was always
just Ben Folds,

regular guy from North Carolina
who plays piano

and smokes a pretty decent
pork shoulder.

Anyway, since I've relocated
to L.A.,

I guess I have to play
the game now.

So here we are.

I got to say,

I was half expecting you to be
another high-maintenance diva.

Oh, no, you're probably
thinking of Ben Kweller.

I'm so sorry,
but I-I really love your music.

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
It means a lot to me and my son.

Mr. Folds and I are in a...
It's okay, it's okay.

What's his name?

Uh, Riley.

Riley. And what's Riley's thing?

He's, uh, pretty into baseball.

Yeah?

Wow! I had no idea you
were also an artist.

You're everywhere, man!

Well, maybe I'll
run into you again.

Wow! You were so nice to him.

A girl once asked

my client Sam for his autograph,

and he threw her crutches
into traffic.

Oh, I don't know
about all that, Gretchen.

I-I'm just a regular guy
from North Carolina

who plays piano and smokes
a pretty decent pork shoulder.

Got to say, Dad,
the work is flowing

like it's never flowed before.

Okay.

Settle in.

(sighs)

"Normally,
she hated to be on top."

"She liked the weight of a man
pressing down on her,"

"the liberation of not having
real agency in the shameful act."

"But to be astride the man
was the only way she could keep"

"her gaze trained
on the two-way mirror."

"Because when Kitty looked
into her reflection"

"and met her eyes,"

"she knew she was
also meeting Simon's eyes."

"Her brother's eyes."

(chuckles) Whoa!

You did not see
that one coming, did you?

Okay, that's it,
we're having a funeral.

Your butt's gonna have a funeral
when I'm through with it.

(laughs)

Jimmy, clearly you
need some closure.

My therapist told me about this.

Apparently, if you don't deal
with your emotional crap,

it can mess your shit up later.

Oh, fine.

Uh, we'll invite
a few people over,

and then call it a day.

You have to make a speech. Ack!

The note said you talk good.

Everybody know
Jimmy talk real good.

Next we have Item 7-A,
which is the reading...

Whoa! What?

What?

Okay.

City Council Member
Todd Winterer

initiated legislation
regarding a bus accident,

but Council Member
Pam O'Connel abstained.

Pam O'Connel!

Who recommended the purchase

of two natural gas
street sweepers.

But guess who voted nay.

Todd Winterer.

Now, ask yourself why.

Well, because...

(doorbell rings)

That must be the food.

(TV continues playing quietly)

(door opens) PAUL: Oh, my.

You're not the food
delivery person.

(door closes)

Paul. What's going on?

Lindsay, I know how important

this is to you, so...

I found the gentleman
you picked out on the Web site.

We FaceTimed,
and he's very nice.

He goes to Loyola Marymount.

Go Lions.

Paul.

Anything for our family.

Okay, so I don't know
how this works.

Is there, like, a discussion
about what's appropriate?

Or, uh...

Go sit over there.

Okay.

♪

(slap, Lindsay moans)

So what I found is that
marijuana really helps me

with my symptoms, and
I-I was just wondering

if there's some sort of form
I could fill out to make sure

that it doesn't interfere
with my other benefits.

You just walked into
a government building

and asked if we'd be cool
with you taking illegal drugs.

Maybe on your way home

you can stop at the DMV

and ask if they'll let you
steal some cars.

Well, pot is legal
in California.

Oh.

You mean the independent nation
of California?

Is that the army you fought for?

The Army of California?

How'd they pay you?

Avocados and screenplays?

Wait. So are you saying that I
can't use marijuana medicinally,

even though it's legal
in this state?

I said no such thing.

So I can use it?

I don't know.

All I know is that...

(quietly) Marijuana is
a Schedule 1 narcotic.

And you're asking me,

a government employee,
if you can take it.

Let's call the police
and ask them.

No, they won't have...
Hey, police.

Which federally illegal drugs

can this guy take that
will be cool with the V.A.?

They want to talk to you.

(sighs)

(over P.A.) Number 83.

(footsteps approaching)

Is that your eulogy?

Of sorts.

I've prepared a list of heckles.

Jimmy, shouldn't a
eulogy be heartfelt?

All my father ever did
was take the piss.

But I like the area you're in.

How about, "Dad, I hope
you truly do rest in peace"?

Oh.

As opposed to how
you usually rest,

in a pair of urine-soaked
sweatpants. (Laughs)

(knocking)

Jimmy!

It's me, Freddie.

I worked with your dad
at the plant.

Oh, yes, now I remember you.

You and dad used to
show up at school

and heckle me during gym class.

What do you want?

I live in Fresno
with me daughter now.

Your sisters want me
to follow up with you.

Apparently, you
blocked their numbers,

and they want me to tell you:

A, you're to have the funeral;

B, to make sure
to scatter his ashes;

And C, don't fall into any shit.

Ah! Well, tell them:

A, we're already having
a service tomorrow;

B, I will scatter his ashes,
into the toilet;

And, C, you're grossly obese,

brush your teeth,
and you're a whore...

In descending
chronological birth order.

Brilliant! Oh.

I also have something
I'd like to read about Ronny,

if it's okay with you.

Actually, that sounds great.

Yeah, tomorrow at 7:00.
And bring something to drink.

If it's rosé, just keep it
Cotes de Provence.

And maybe some ice.

Cotes de Provence, ice.

(quietly)
Cotes de Provence, ice.

Well, I'm off the hook.

What do you mean?

We'll have the wake,

that old fart will do the eulogy
and bring ice.

It's perfect.

♪

(singers vocalizing)

(chuckles) When Raul was
doing me from behind,

and I was thrusting my hips,
that was so hot, right?

♪ My family deserted me...

(chuckles)

Oh, look.

There's a bowl of
candy in a quadcopter.

Entertain yourself.

Ben? What are you doing here?

Your office said you'd
recently experienced a loss.

So I wanted to bring some flowers.
Oh.

And, of course, some of
my famous pork shoulder.

Oh.

It's just what you do.

May I ask who passed?

Oh, my boyfriend's father.

Oh, gosh, oh, no, that's

terrible, terrible news.

I'm incredibly close to my Papa.

Funerals are so important.

Who's playing?

Playing music?

Oh, uh... no one?

(sighs) I've got my
piano in the truck.

Okay, sure, that's...

incredibly generous of you.

(chuckles)

Thank you, my love.

(both chuckle)

Whoops. Bubbles.

Can't risk another
epiglottal infection.

I'll just run and swap this out.

Something is up with you
two, and I don't like it.

What's going on?
You'd be happy, too,

if you weren't so poor now.

Because you're my sister,
and I love you,

I'll go sneak some
spanakopitas into my purse

and give them to you later,
so you can feed your baby.

(stifled sob)

(piano playing somber melody)

Hey, do you have any weed?

I can't afford it with this
stupid budget Becca's got me on,

so I've been smoking
dried banana peels.

Why don't you just
get a pot card?

The V.A. says it'll
mess with my benefits,

but it's, like, the only thing
that helps, so...

I don't know what to do.

The doctor in me is like,

you're the patient, take
what you've been prescribed,

you dumb little bitch.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

But the human in me is like,

"Smoke that ganj, yo."

Real talk? It's bullroar that
you can't get a pot card.

You went to war.

And straight berserkered
on fools.

That's an actual reason.

Like, everyone at this party has
a pot card for a dumb reason.

Gretchen said she had insomnia.

Lindsay said her back hurt.

Piano fingers.

What reason did you use?

I just said I saw a dog.

Did you?

No, man. Total lie.

I didn't see a dog all day.

Well, on TV, sure.

You can't turn on a TV

without seeing, like,
or four of them shits.

(clears throat)

(music stops)

Hello. Thank you all for coming
to the memorial service

for my father, Ronny Overly.

His friend Freddie
will do the eulogy,

we'll toast,
and then you will leave.

(Freddie claps,
piano plays upbeat tune)

Cheers.

Cheers, everyone.
(piano plays flourish)

"Ronny Overly

"was not only my coworker.

"He was my hero.

"He cherished his family,

"especially his son, Jimmy.

"I remember when

"I came out to visit Jimmy.

"Oh, bloody hell.

"This was supposed to be
in the third person.

"Oh, well. Ha, ha.
It's me, Ronny.

"I wrote this in pen,
so I might as well keep going.

"I just realized.

"Freddie has to read
whatever I say.

"My name is Freddie,

and I'm a..."

I'm not reading that.

Skipping forward.

"Anyway,

"I did my best to love him,
but he rejected me.

"I sent him presents, I visited,

"I Facebook-requested him.

"Anyway, I forgive him.

"Please scatter my ashes

"at the home of actor
Tony Shalhoub,

"whose movie Big Night
you and I attended together.

What's that, Fi?"

WOMAN (whispering)
I think it's "Shalhoub."

"Your sister just told me
he's a Paki.

"Shit. Anyway,

"after the movie, you turned
to me and said, 'That's what.

"'I want to do, Daddy.

"I want to tell stories.'

"And I said,
'You can do anything

"you want, son.'

"And so, you became a writer.

"I did that.

"Anyway, I hope you ditch

"that depressed girl.

(gasps quietly)
"And I hope Fi is wrong about.

"Tony Shalhoub.

"Looking at his last name now,

"it does look suspicious.

"Shal-houb.

Cheers."

(piano plays upbeat tune)

(quiet murmuring)

Excuse me! Excuse me.
We are not done.

First of all, he is a liar!

I begged him
to take me to Big Night

so that we could bond,
but instead,

he went to D3: The Mighty Ducks,

and I watched Big Night alone.

Then his movie was shorter,

he forgot that I was with him,
so he left without me.

For him to claim that he was
rejected after 18 years

of constant rejection
on his part is crazy!

In fact...

(piano plays dramatic tune)

I've prepared a list of heckles
for the occasion.

VERNON: Sweet.

Uh, "Dad, fortunately,
your death wasn't too much"

"of a shock, considering
you already look like

"someone put a Manchester jersey

on the corpse
of a drowned person."

(piano plays dramatic flourish)

"Dad, you always were
a lady killer.

"You gave all three
of my sisters genes

"for alcoholism,
learning disabilities

and morbid obesity."

(laughs) Ugh.

I mean, we are talking
about a guy who was

so narcissistic
that he wrote his own eulogy!

What's next?!

Are we...?

Freddie, when did my dad
find out he was dying?

He was diagnosed
some time last year.

(piano plays upbeat tune)

BEN: Hey, folks,

if, uh, you're gonna
Instagram this,

be sure to, uh, hashtag
"BenFoldsSightings,".

"BenFoldslsEverywhere"
and "BenFoldsMovesToLA."

If you do, I'll personally tell
you what Brick is really about.

Abortion.

No. (Plays upbeat tune)

Hey, thanks for playing.

You were really great.
(door opens)

Ben! Ben! Over here, Ben!

Over here, Ben! Sorry.

Not an appropriate venue, bud.

Now, I'll take some pictures
with you outside later.

All right?

Uh...

Wasn't that the same guy

who asked for your autograph
at the ice cream place?

What?! A paparazzi
and an autograph reseller?

Scumbag.

Okay, look, I moved to L.A.
a couple months ago,

and, you know, everyone was so
excited when Moby moved to town.

It was like,
"Moby bought that house.

Oh, and Moby
opened that restaurant."

Ben Folds moved to town? Bupkis.

That's...

That's incredibly...

clever... of you.

But, hey,

it's my job now.

Well, this was fun. Hey, guys,

want to hit Big Wang's
or something?

Get a couple drinks in me,

I might tell you
what Brick's about.

Abortion.

Goddamn it. How'd that get out?

♪

(quietly)
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

JIMMY: You know, when we had
that moment in the pub,

I thought to myself,
"After 33 years,

I'm finally having
a real moment with my father."

(scoffs)

Can't believe what a fool I was.

There wasn't a shred of truth
in that moment.

You were lying the whole time.

You were dying,
you didn't say a word.

All you had to do was say,
"Hey, Jimmy,"

"this might be the last time
I get to see you."

"Is there anything
you'd like to say?"

And that way...

despite decades of
neglecting, withholding,

general assholery,

I could have had
a modicum of closure.

Goddamn you!

I can hear you laughing at
the world "modicum" as I speak.

Well, guess what.

I'm getting my closure
right now.

You do not get
to affect me anymore!

So long, Dad.

(grunts)

♪ The captain runs his ship

(crying) ♪ Into the rocks

♪ Well, should we give him

♪ A second chance with birth
and dying based on chance ♪

♪ The first mate tried in vain

♪ To reason with his leader

♪ But he failed
to heed the warning ♪

♪ Now there's wreckage
in the morning ♪

♪ The ocean floor is filled
with forgotten gold ♪

♪ And the tears
of fallen captains ♪

♪ Keep the salty waters full

♪ And you might
think his folly ♪

♪ Obvious and blind

♪ But who among us
hasn't needed ♪

♪ Judgment tossed aside,
oh, no. ♪

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH