You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - All About That Paper - full transcript

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The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

FXX presents You're the Worst.

[ Man Laughs ]

GRETCHEN:
Ooh, that smells good.

I'm starving.

Actually, this isn't for you.

I made you guys...

something else.

Scrambled eggs?

A dish so pedestrian
its name is the recipe?

Yeah, what's the other thing?
I want that.

Oh, this? (scoffs)
This is nothing.

Just something I'm throwing
together for my veterans group.

This is breakfast lasagna.

That's Lindsay's
favorite dish.

You don't have to lie
about your feelings for her.

Really?

Shit, yeah!
We're really invested in this.

We want this to happen.

Aw, thanks, guys.
'Cause whatever
happens,

it's gonna be hilarious.

This is like TV for us.

Either they'll be banging
like zoo monkeys

or-- even better--
she rejects him.

All right, guys.
What if they
got married?

Then he'd be married
to Lindsay.

I think I've got it.

Oh, my God, their kids
are gonna be so dumb.

They'll be like,
"Hey, let's order some heroin."

"H-How do you use a phone?"

(laughs)

So what do you do today?

Well, my agent called.

I have a meeting with
Jonathan R. Strasburg.

Author of Brunching
with Vagabonds.

The Milkweed of July?

In Keeping with Clem?

So what's the meeting for?

Well, why would any author

want to meet with
another author?

'Cause they admire their work.

He liked your book?

Yeah, a lot of people
liked my book.

You've seen the review.

The thing on the wall
where you live.

You walk by it
every day.

Oh, you really put in
the bare minimum effort

being a girlfriend, don't you?

Work smart, not hard, Jimmy.

Anyway, he's looking
for someone

to help him on his new project.

Shouldn't you be working
on your own book?
Yeah, I am.

But not all of us have
the luxury of just paying rent

whenever we feel like it or,
say, not at all.

Why would I pay you rent?
It's your house.

Your ability to bend semantics

to best fit your financial
interests is quite impressive.

I'm all about that paper.

I got to go.
Check in later?

Sorry, check in?

I didn't mean it like that...
Never mind.

Oh, I must know
what Gretchen's doing.

I haven't spoken to her
in minutes.

Shut up.
Hey!

Just checking in.

I was out of your
sight briefly.

I'll, uh, text you again
at the end of the driveway.

Jesus Christ.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(woman speaking French
over headphones)

It's hard to explain to someone
who hasn't and probably won't

experience it, but, oh, Lindsay,
pregnancy is so magical.

I mean,
my skin is glowing.

My nails
are so strong,

and... I just have
this deep inner well

of peace and tranquility.

Vernon, you idiot.

Do you really want the baby
to inhale those fumes?

Use your brain. God!

Anyway, I am so glad I could
loan my husband out to you.

Must be so hard
not having a man around.

I don't know. I just don't want
to be one of those girls

who settles for some doofus
frat boy just because

their butt's starting to sag

and their upper arms chunk out.

Anyway,
I got a sign

that my Paulywog still
has feelings for me.

VERNON: Yo, can I get
this popcorn catalogue?

Which says a
lot, considering

he's with someone
as great as Amy.

She a'ight.
(scoffs)

What does the clerk's office
want with you?

Ooh, honey, did you patent
an invention? (laughs)

(laughing)
Right?

Holy shit,

that nerd's
'vorcin' you.

Nice, Paul
grew some balls.

You got served!

Literally!

All right, I'm gonna kick it
under that tree

and look at this
popcorn catalogue real quick.

Hey, guys.

Where's Sam?
(scoffs)
Who knows?

One day he's promoting
some new MMA fighter,

the next he's opening up a
bespoke tailoring shop downtown.
Last week,

he didn't even show up
to the studio,

so instead of letting
that time go to waste,

we cut our own shit
to drop online.

Yeah.
Okay.

Well, you don't
just drop it online.

We'll build some
word-of-mouth buzz,

I'll leak it to Stereogum...

Uh, we-we uploaded
it this morning.

Yeah, we need you to
go let Sam know for us.

He's gonna be so mad.

Last time he was mad,
he cried for a week.

Then he burnt down
my mom's tool shed.

Now she's keeping all her rakes
in the kitchen, like a chump.

Fine.

By the way, you guys
are now separate clients,

so you will be billed
separately.

But hey, you're paying for
the best in the business.

(gasps)

(classical music playing)

OPEC price
manipulation.

Putanesca!

Hanging roller coasters.

Rafael Nadal.

What do they all have in common?

Um...

Plutocracy.

It's the father
of meta-modernism.

Just got off the phone
with Bill Maher.

He was talking for,
like, a half hour,

but I think I got the gist.

Sit.

(sucking teeth) Go. Sell me.
Tell me what you know about.

Oh, okay.
Um...

well, you won
the National Book Award in 2009.

You were accepted to Harvard
but instead rode...

sh-shipping containers
for three years,

and...
Read.

♪ ♪

Uh, F-sharp.

Wow, I mean, it's-it's powerful.
Really vividly wrought.

Critique me.

Okay, uh,
well, the, um,

image of the endless
Costco aisles

seems somewhat
derivative of DeLillo.

Get out.

I don't understand.

Get... the hell out!

Jesus, fine.
Weirdo.

Oh, calm down,
calm down, calm down.

A guy tells you to leave, and
you mope away like Mike Torrez

after he gave away that home run
to Bucky Dent in '78? Come on.

(chuckles) Come on.
Let me take you to lunch.

Oh. Okay.
Great.

You're driving. I'm on
a shit-ton of pills right now.

I counted to ten,
and then I just said,

"Cheryl, I will get those to you

right after Derek's birthday
cake in the break room."

And you know what?

She said, "Okay."

Okay.

Uh, okay, uh, Edgar,
why don't you share with us?

What happened
with the mystery girl

you were thinking
of pursuing?

Well, um,

I-I-I talked about it
with some friends, and...

they don't think
it's a good idea,

so...

Okay.

Uh, well, thank you for sharing.

(light applause)

Yarg, Captain,

methinks I found a way out.

Good.

Because we can't spend
the rest of our lives

inside the belly
of this whale.

Aye, and it looks like this
tight, round hole is the exit.

Ah, I better go first.

Aye, sir, but remember
what happened last time.

You should be
exiting through it,

not putting
your penis in it.

(giggles)

(laughter)

Okay.

Okay.
So what we just did there

was completely improvised.

Which means we did not
plan it beforehand at all.

GROUP LEADER:
Isn't that great?

We have a special treat
for you guys today.

This is Nathan and Nathan.

People call me Tall Nathan.

Well, Nathan and Tall Nathan
are from a local comedy school.

And they're going to be
teaching us a lesson in improv.

Studies show that this can help
with trauma-induced anxiety.

We know what you've
all been through,

and we're sensitive to it.

Okay, let's start.

Who wants to play
a gay banana?

♪ I was born on the wrong side
of the tracks ♪

♪ Leave my home and I never plan
on coming back... ♪

My best shits are always here.

I have no idea why.

Wendy, can I get
a couple more shrimp cocktails?

Do you think maybe
we should discuss the job?

Relax. You're so inhibited.

Listen, writing isn't sitting
behind a computer.

Writing is
experiencing things,

living.

Look, some of the best writers
in the world

have never written a word.

You want to write?

Here.

Start by getting yourself
a lap dance.

Go ahead.

Go on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not that one-- she's kind of
my strip club wife.

All right, good boy.

(dialing, line ringing)

Hey.

Do you want to get
a lap dance with me?

Oh, hell yeah, I do.

No, no, no, no,
the one with the C-section scar.

Which one?

♪ I'm so smart,
I got nothing on my mind ♪

♪ I've got zero to-dos ♪

♪ And that's just fine. ♪

LINDSAY:
What the hell is this?

Legal termination
of marriage contract?

And what-- I'm sorry--

what-what is irr...

irrec... irr...

Irreconcilable differences.

It means that things
are so broken

that they can't be fixed.

Like when you put
all those pennies

down the garbage disposal.

We had sex last week.

Yes, Paul told me.

We have no secrets.

Stop doing that.

What are you
saying about me?

I'm going to go check
on Conor.

He's been pretty depressed.

I'm afraid he's going to pet
that poor dog bald.

I saw you watching me kiss Edgar
at the get-together.

We both felt it.

I'm gonna get you back.

No, Lindsay.

You're really not.

Have fun having hand sex

with your girlfriend
in the woods.

If you must know,

I'm able
to finish with her regular!

Sam?

(clattering)

(shutter clicks)

Sam?

What's going on?

Why'd you rebuild
your panic fort?

SAM:
If you were abandoned

and left for dead
by your best friends,

you might do the same.

You just gonna hang out
in your fort all day?

Does it look like
I'm just hanging out?

I already recorded
a response diss track.

And it is brutal.

Turns out, Honey Nutz rhymes
with Honey Butts!

Okay, before you do anything,
just don't upload it to the...

(phone chimes)

Too late.
All right, that's it.

I'm organizing a sit-down
between the three of you.

You do not tell me
what to do, Gretch!

I'm a man.

I'm a full-grown,
shave-every-day,

went-to-Tokyo-by-myself man.

Fine.

Hey, why don't
we go get something to eat, huh?

My treat.
Any restaurant you want.

Nobu?

Any cheap diner you want.

Um, okay, you,
blue shirt.

Why don't you come up
and tag on in? Yeah, come on.

Thank you.
All right. (chuckles)

And... go.

Well, since there aren't
any lions,

I guess we'll just have
to train all these elephants!

Th...

Then I think we're gonna need
a bigger shovel.

(chuckling)
Good thinking!
Unfortunately,

all I have is this fork.

Um...

uh, w... um...

(quietly):
I'm sorry. I don't think
I'm very good at this.

Look, you're fine.
Remember, never bail out.

When you're scared,
just trust your instincts.

Okay.

Um...

(panting)

Thanks for the fork.

Unfortunately, I've
been using my hands.

(chuckling)

(laughter and applause)

Wow.

(chatter and applause)

Oh, hell no!

GRETCHEN: Just give me
five minutes.

How much
do I do for you?

I buy your drugs. I got
your mom into that condo.

I stopped you from investing

in Sufjan Stevens'
broth restaurant.

Five minutes.

And I'm taking
my chicken tendies to go.
Okay.

I heard your song.

Yeah, that was real low,

telling the world
about my fake nut.

I should have said
you have no nuts,

recording tracks
behind my back!

Treating me like you Salt-N-Pepa

and I'm Spinderella and shit!

Spinderella would never hack
a brother's Netflix queue!

I had, like, 500 things
I wanted to watch.

Now the only thing I can
remember is Peaky Blinders.

Hey, hey! What happened
to you guys?

Working together used to be,
like, your favorite thing to do.

All you did was skate and record

and throw ice at the guy handing
out Jimmy Kimmel tickets.

You guys
were like brothers,

living together
in that one-bedroom in Venice.

You all take turns
between the bed, the couch,

and the baby pool
filled with pillows.

(chuckles)
(chuckles)

Remember when I got blown

in that pool
by the UCLA German professor?

"Your penis was at achtung!"

(laughing)

See?

You guys make an awesome team.

I'm sorry.
(phone chimes)

HONEY NUTZ:
Yeah, that was mean of us.
SHITSTAIN: Me, too, man.

SAM: All of them?
HONEY NUTZ and SHITSTAIN: Yeah.

Wait.
Bitch!

You just made
an eloquent speech

that I greatly appreciated.

(quietly):
Flip the table and storm out.

This table's a classic.

I will do no such thing.

Pitchfork just posted
a whole thing

on your beef. It's blowing up.

For real?

Guys, this has
gone too far!

Threatening each
other's lives?

Telling each other to suck
each other's dicks?!

Well, if these bitches

do not suck my dick

sometime in the
immediate future,

I will kill they asses!

W-Well, well,
my-my schedule

is too full from writing dope
raps to suck your dick!

Yeah! And Jaclyn and I recently
decided to become exclusive,

so I don't think she
would appreciate me

sucking your dick!

(camera clicking)

Just knock some shit over.

Rap beef! Rap beef!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.

We out of here... we
out of here, 'Stain.

Oh, my God, I was so scared.

What are we doing here?

Gazing into the darkness,
seeing if it gazes back.

Hi, Mommy.

This is Jimmy.
He's my new friend.

Jimmy, talk to her
for a bit.
Oh, uh...

Uh, Mrs. Strasburg, your son
is a really big influence on me.

You must be very proud.

Oh, this room is quite nice,
I must say.

(moaning)
Ooh. Shh, shh.

It's okay.
It's okay.

Oh, it's like a glove full
of pencils.

"I do not know which to prefer,

"the beauty of inflections
or the beauty of innuendos,

the blackbird whistling
or just after."

Wallace Stevens.

Who are you, and why are you
holding my mother's hand?

I stole some checkers
from the rec room.

Just making
a little chaos.

What the hell
was that?

That wasn't your
mum, was it?
No, no.

She's, uh... she's back in Boca.

How long were you talking
to that old lady, you weirdo?

(laughs)

I'm going home.

I read your book.

It's amazing.

I loved how
Colm, the father,

never took the top all the
way off his cans of beans,

details that say so much

while saying so little.

No one else
ever picked up on that.

Not even Steeb Corniglia.

That's because nobody else
really understood it.

I loved your...

relentlessly aggressive
prosaic style.

I can help you bludgeon
your fear,

teach you to write a book that
will make those smug bastards

and castrating bitches come
crawling back, knees bloodied,

begging for forgiveness.

I would kill to see that.

But... I don't know.

Look,

I need some help
researching this book.

Here's a little advance
in good faith.

What do you say?

You in?

I think...
Good.

Good!

Good, good day!

I'll see you tomorrow.

Make a
little chaos.

(tires screech)
Hey! I'm a writer!

(line ringing)

Russell Fleischer.
It's Jimmy.

Strasburg loved my book.

Great. So you're taking the job?

Hell no.

I, Jimmy Shive-Overly,

will not be
some has-been's lackey.

That'd be like Thomas Keller
making the donkey sauce

for Guy Fieri's taco burgers.

No, I'm gonna write a new novel,

for I am a writer.

So you don't need
the extra work?

Well, of course I do.
Look, I'm drowning over here.

Just-just find me
something else.

Do your job, man.

So what were the checkers for?

JIMMY: He told me
to "make a little chaos."

What a douche.
I mean, he wanted me to think

he was this eccentric genius
who could mentor me.

But, you know what,

I read some of his book.

It was rubbish, and he knows it.

I mean, I think he just wants
to vampire me

because he thinks I'm a...
I'm a fresh new voice.

And you know what? I am.

And modest, too.

He did give me a wad
of money though.

Oh, I just wrote you a
check for six months' rent.

But I guess
you don't really need it n-now.

And... deposited.

So, how was
your day?

Oh, my God,
I have so much to tell you.

See? Aren't you glad

we decided not to "check in"
with each other?

No kidding.

So, I'd basically given up
on this Jolly Rancher,

but then, out of the corner
of my eye...

LINDSAY:
Hi. Is this Bear Stearns?

I'm looking for Mr. Bear.

I have some extra money
to invest.

Do you have any suggestions?

(goofy voice):
The sound investment
is... honey!

LINDSAY (chuckles):
You're so funny.

You can't invest in honey.

Yes, you can.

I know I did,
when I married you.

♪ ♪

(knocking on door)

Lindsay, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

Um, I'm sort of busy right now.

EDGAR:
Well, it's just that...

Uh, Lindsay, how do I say this?
Do you mind

maybe just texting me later?

Wait, but I...

(pop)

Shit!

"Never bail out."

(screams)
Hot!

Oh...

(breathing slowly,
oxygen mask flutters quietly)

♪ Lay off me, would you? ♪

♪ I'm just trying
to take this new skin ♪

♪ For a spin ♪

♪ Pray for me, would you? ♪

♪ I'm just nervous
'bout my family ♪

♪ Filing in ♪

♪ Ready to wrap me up ♪
(gear shift clicks)

♪ Ready to love me in this ♪

(engine starts)

♪ New skin I'm filling in ♪

♪ I am a tired woman ♪

♪ In January ♪

♪ I will just be 23 ♪

♪ In Kansas City ♪

♪ I was undressed and bested ♪

♪ By an airtight floor... ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

[ Water Dripping ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Applause ]

I would like to dedicate
this induction to my
number-one draft pick,

year in and year out.

Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.,

who, like me,

has spontaneous
and amazing facial hair...

and the support
of a superhot wife.

Love you, Sofia.

Love you, Gisele.

The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

(sighing)

-(doorbell rings)
-RADIO, CHORUS:
♪ Ba-la, la-la-la ♪

MAN:
♪ The sun is shining ♪
♪ Sha-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ The birds are singing ♪
♪ Sha-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day
and my love is here to stay ♪

Fargo.
All new, Mondays at 10:00.

Starts October 12 on FX.

The Bastard Executioner.

All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

(knocking)

(pounding on door)

(screams)

What the hell
was that?

That wasn't your
mum, was it?
No, no.

She's, uh... she's back in Boca.

How long were you talking
to that old lady, you weirdo?

(laughs)

I'm going home.

I read your book.

It's amazing.

I loved how
Colm, the father,

never took the top all the
way off his cans of beans,