You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Zero Eggplants - full transcript

Gretchen and Jimmy make "couple friends."

♪ Why am I hiding? ♪

♪ Why don't I speak? ♪

♪ What am I waiting for? ♪

- How you feeling?
- Good.

You sure you're okay
he's coming?

I'm not angry anymore.

I think it might even
be good to see him.


♪ We float, we're floating ♪

♪ Why can't I let ♪

♪ Myself out? ♪

What's your end-of-life plan?

Easy, toss me off something.


I want to know
how it feels to fly.

- Oh...
- Ooh. Or sex murder me.

Yeah, scratch that.
Sex murder me for sure.

I'll be on Nancy Grace 24/7,
a nation will mourn.

Don't let Ron Howard's daughter
play me in the movie.

We have beef.

I want to be cremated,

with my ashes kept for eternity
in an urn on your mantel.

You may remarry,
just no one sexier than me.

The one exception
being Mark Ruffalo.

Fair enough.

Mm. Mm...

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

Oh, okay.

Okay, good night.

It's just that...

uh, we've-we've sort of created
an expectation where we do sex

- whenever one of us wants it.
- And yet, I'm still tired.

- Are you mad about the florist?
- I'm fine.

- I want to make it up to you.
- Don't bother.

- You can't.
- How can we make it even?

Do you want to sock me
in the face? I'm extra bruisey,

so you'll get to relish
the effects for weeks.

There's nothing you can do
about getting your dick sucked.

I could suck a dick.

To even it out.

Like those "take a penny,
leave a penny" cups.

Make it a zero-blowjob
sum gain for me.

Sounds fair. You do that.
Suck a dick, Jimmy.

No, I'm serious.

Suck a dick. Suck a dick!

Alternately, just let me be mad.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Next, we have examples of some
of our most popular fillings.

Uh, Butterscotch-Cream Cheese,

Almond Ganache, Lemon Curd,
Earl Grey Medley,

Apricot Jam,
Kiwi-Pistachio Buttercream.

Hey, you wouldn't think kiwi
and pistachio

would go well together,
and yet, they don't.

- So when's the big day?
- June 9.

- Six-nine. Nice.
- Sex number.

They get it. What about you?

We're already married. Shh.

We got totally
caught up in the hype

and spent way too much money
on our wedding.

Our ring bearer
was an actual bear.

our finances for years.

So we stick it to
the wedding industrial complex

whenever we can.
It feels so good.

Yeah. Rachel has
a personality disorder.

I shoplift. I mean, I used to.

So scamming free cakes
or menu tastings

really scratches the itch.

It's our third tasting
of the day. Quinn is in AA.

make drinking

fucking seltzer water tolerable.

I love shoplifting.

I basically stole
this whole outfit.

- And Jimmy's a total alcoholic.
- Hmm?

Hey, if you guys want our help
gaming the system,

we could save you a buck or two.

We have low to no morals, so we
would be totally up for that.


- Hi.
- Oh, hi. Yes.

Jimmy, we're gonna
have couple friends.

The hardest of passes.

Couple friends, Jimmy.

All married people
need couple friends.

It's a must-have.
Couple friends.

Stop saying "couple friends."

We are not going to have...

Couple friends!

Thank you so much
for having us over, you guys.

Oh, we love wine hangs
on the patio.

We have never done this once.

Why not?
You have a gorgeous view.

- We do?
- Do we? Hmm.

Here is our wedding binder.

The orange tabs
are the easiest places to scam.

Purple means you can get
actual cash out of them.

DJs, photographers, flowers.

We may actually be in the market
for a new florist. Right, Jimmy?


- Very cool.
- I'm glad we could do this.

Hey, how are you guys?

- Shh.
- Oh, they can't hear us.

We're not really
even here anymore. Watch.

I don't believe
in the Holocaust.

- So, example...
- I like that you can smoke there.

Huh. Huh. Let me try.

Um, Gretchen, you eat your butt,

and farts from your butt. Oh...

So, why'd you ask
about me and Gretchen?

Oh, well, planning a wedding
can be stressful.

Also, because of the little
thing with the florist.

Rachel and Gretchen
have been texting.

So I gather privacy goes out
the window with couple friends?

Jimmy, you have
no secrets anymore.

- Fantastic.
- But seriously,

if you ever need someone
to listen, I'm here.

Okay, Michael Messner,
sociologist and proponent

of more emotional elasticity
in traditional masculine roles.

I know, I know.
I'm a big old softy.

AA will do that to you.

Never stop drinking, Jimmy.

It's horrible.

Man, I would love
to come out here

and fly my drone over
the reservoir sometime.

Oh, I have a drone, too.

Well, "had."

They really should put a "Return
Home" button on the controls.

They do.

Ah. What do you know?


So, um, what did Gretchen
tell Rachel about the, uh,

you know, t-the time I let
someone else fly my drone?

Was she upset about the flight?

Because she's been
cagey about it.

Well, how would you feel
if someone flew her drone?

So this place,
these are the photographers.

- This is the whole section
of photographers.

This guy is hot, he's good,
he's passionate.

They're so cool.

Do you think she likes me?
I think she likes me.

Why are you quiet?
Does she not like me?

Goddamn it.

Of course she did.
Who wouldn't like you?

So you talked
to Rachel about it?

- About what?
- It. The florist thing.

Yet, you won't
talk to me about it.

- No.
- But you talked to Rachel about it.

- We're friends.
- She told Quinn.

- They're married.
- And Quinn told me she told him.

Seems like you've
cracked the case

of who knows what, Dr. Dolittle.

Dr. Dolittle talked to animals.

Dr. House.

You should be happy for me
getting a female friend!

I get nervous just texting her
because I just know

I'm gonna say something
that will make her hate me.

So yes, I open up to her,

like girls are supposed to do,
and it's actually working.

So you should be
goddamn happy for me!


Are you okay?

Do you need to up
your medication dosage, maybe?

You got a blowjob
from a vendor for our wedding.

Okay. Then let's talk about it.

No. I told you. Suck a dick,
or leave me alone about it.

Okay, but really, what can I do?

I am dead serious. You're right.

That's the only way
to make things even.

Put a dick in your mouth
and suck on it.

Let me know
when you've done that.


- Hey, girl.
- Come in.

Dope place.

Thanks. It's a flip.

Well, I am flipping for it.



Such a good idea
to do solo hangs.

I know. Couple friends,
solo style.

Also, I can't be
around Jimmy right now.

- Still?
- Ugh, I don't know. It's not his fault.

Getting his dick sucked
isn't his fault?

No, that was. Totally.
That was scummy.

I just mean that's not, like,
all of it, you know?

Anyways, let's talk about
literally anything else.

Um, rhubarb! Homemade soap!
Feminist porn!

- The gig economy!
- Bowling!

Costa Rica! Doughnuts!

- Alcohol?
- Ladybugs!

No, I'm asking do you want
some alcohol?

Oh, God, yes.

I hope we didn't force
this solo hang on the boys.

You think they like each other
as much as we do?


Why in God's name
did I put it out there?

I know Gretchen.
That was very foolish.

She made me taste
my own ejaculate.

- Yeah, I heard about that.
- Of course you did.

- You were just making a joke, right?
- Yes!

Well, not a joke precisely.

I was presenting the obvious
logical equivalent.

I didn't think
she'd latch onto it.

Do you know she hasn't
spoken to me since?

Wait, am I even supposed
to tell you this?

I don't know the rules.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.
This is a tough one.

You could just wait her out?

Do you know how
disconcerting it is

to live with someone
who will not talk to you?

I just keep pretending
I'm Harvey Keitel in The Piano

and Gretchen is a fetching mute.

You could...

you know... do it.

What? No, no.

No, I can't... I couldn't...
I-I can't do that.

I know, but, I mean,
it is just skin.

Attached to a disgusting,
hairy, male man.

- Wait, you haven't ever?
- No.

Uh... I mean, maybe.

I used to black out a lot,
but, look,

it's not that big a deal.

It might even be interesting,
experientially speaking.

- I do enjoy new experiences.
- Uh-huh.

Though, generally ones
with less immediate proximity

- to testicles.
- Mm-hmm.

No, even if I could "ess a dee,"

where would I find
the dee to ess?

A dating app.

My brother uses
this one all the time.

He lets me help him pick dudes.

And you can basically
order anything.

It's like Postmates for penis.
Check it out.

You can see what each guy
is down for right here.

Here's one!

This guy is willing to host
and he's looking for oral ASAP.

- Well, he looks pleasant enough.
- Mm-hmm.

- Like a small-town veterinarian.
- Yeah.

Or the first soldier

- to die in a war movie. Yeah.
- Yes.

- Let's make your profile.
- Oh, okay.

Uh, wait, wait. Um...

Very nice.
Now look like a rough boy.


Mm, maybe go back
to the duck lips.

Just a little aggressive.
There we go.

You can't help
but to start to imagine

this entire personality

and childhood and college essays

for this thing that's
living inside of you

even though you know
you're not supposed to.

How can you help it?

Anyway, so that
was hard to get over.

Not sure I am yet.
I know I'm gun-shy to try again.

- Right. Totally.
- So...

How about you?

Oh, yeah, no, nothing like that.

I cut myself trying to trim
my pubes once, so I get it.

I mean, do you guys
want children?

Oh, uh... Shit.

Babies... I don't know.

I like them when they're
dressed up like animals,

but I don't yet
totally know if I...

You don't know if you want
to be a mom? Totally normal.

Oh, no, I want it.
I was gonna say "should."

I don't know if I should be a...

Do you want to... Do you want me
to put on some music?

I have a mental thing.
Uh... whatchamacallit,

clinical depression.

- Sorry.
- No.

Sorry, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm just flinchy.

- I want a hug.
- It's okay.

Hey, in fact...
let's hug

as soon as I go pee-pee
in your toilet.

Then we're gonna hug
like motherfuckers.

He says his door is unlocked.

It's go time. You got this.

Easy peasy.

Mouthwash, gum,
antibacterial wipes.

Stash it in a bush.

Remember, this is for your lady.
It's just skin.

You got this!



Oh. There you are.

Got a lovely,
lovely house. Books!

Very nice.

I don't know this neighborhood.

Seems to have a high
walkability rating.

Shh. Take off your shirt.

Ah. Okay.

Just like that. Decisive.
Good on you, mate.

I'm a little nervous.
You see, this is my...

Can you stop talking?

Right, yeah, okay, okay.

Silencio, por favor.

I'll just, I'll just
get at it then.


Could you make it a little sexy?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
well, I plan to.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Oh, you like that?
You like that?

See, I do not work out,

like, in a traditional sense,

but I have a top-notch
calisthenics routine...

Yeah, the name of which
is derived

from Callisthenes of Olynthus.

Fun fact, Aristotle
was his great uncle.

Now, you might wonder...

That was quick. How'd it go?

- He disinvited me.
- What? Why?

He accused me of being
a closeted virgin,

and then I sort of
lunged at him awkwardly,

fell into his leg,

knocked over a picture puzzle
he'd been working on.

He was livid.

I mean, his attitude at the end
was a real turnoff.

He gave you zero eggplants.

Zero?! How dare he!

Well, in retaliation,
I shall give him...

Uh, you can't. He blocked you.

Where's your shirt?

What are you doing?

Nothing. I was just seeing
if you had a cat.

Do you have a cat?
Because I couldn't find one.

Oh, the comb. I was thinking
of getting one of these,

and I wanted to know
if it could fit in my bra.

Why, are you accusing me
of stealing?

That is really messed up of you,
Rachel. Projecting much?


Why are you laughing at me?

This is my absolute favorite
part of a new friendship.

When the real comes out.

Listen, Gretchen,
here's how it is with me.

I don't let just anyone in.

But I don't lose people, so...

once you're in,
you're in for life.

But, seriously, I am gonna need
my grandmother's comb back.

- What are you gonna do?
- Eh.

Just live a sexless existence
next to a prickly, mute,

redheaded ball
of anger and recrimination

until she eventually leaves me.

Or enact some far worse revenge
gleaned from countless hours

spent watching Snapped, in which
women finally, you know, snap.

Fuck this. You can't give up.

Let's go to the West Hollywood
bars. I'll wingman you.

Oh, forget it. I clearly
can't ess a stranger's dee.

I'd have to at least be
comfortable with the guy, or...

I did it.

- Did what?
- The thing you told me to do.

I did it. I did the thing.

- I did it.
- Jimmy. Wait.

Whoa, what?

Jimmy. Jimmy? Jimmy.

What are you...?
What? Who?

- Quinn.
- What? What?

What is happening?

Oh, my God. You...


What the actual fuck?!

Oh, my God!

You, you sucked a dick for me.

I say "essed a dee."
It's classier.

Wait. Oh, no. But Rachel...

Oh, no, no. It's fine. He called
her right before he left.

She thought it was hilarious.

Really? Seriously? Phew.
Okay, then.

So, we're good?

Yes, Jimmy. We're good.

I mean, I was just trying
to get you off my back.

- What?
- Nothing. You did it for me.

Mm. I love you for that.

By the way, they're coming over
for dinner tomorrow night.

Try not to drop your fork

and accidentally
suck his dick again.

To making connections.

To the serendipity of meeting
you guys at that cake tasting,

and to always being open
to new experiences.

To letting people in.

And to the lengths
our husbands will go

to make us happy.

Oh, well. If it was good enough
for Oscar Wilde

and Tennessee Williams
and Truman Capote

and James Baldwin...

Okay, most of my favorite
male writers, actually.

To friends for life.

For life.

I don't let just anyone in...

but I don't lose people. Once
you're in, you're in for life.

For life!

I don't lose people.
You're in for life.

For life. For life.
You're in for life.

You're in for life.

Jimmy, what are you guys
talking about?


The blowjob.

Gretchen, the, uh... Jimmy?

You did know about the...

Blowjob? You didn't put your...

you had his...
your m-mouth, Jimmy?

- What are you doing?
- Wait, you didn't tell her?

Gretchen, it's not a big deal.
It was all for... wait.

- Gretchen!
- Not one more word!

I thought you told me
that she wanted him to.

You thought I wanted my husband
to suck your husband's dick?

That's what he told me.
That's what he told me.

- That's what you... what the fuck, Jimmy?
- Oh, my God.

No! No, no, no, no.
I d... I didn't want to.

Gretchen, tell her. Tell her.

Did you make up
that she said that

just to get me
to let you do that?

Why would I say that?!
I think you guys should go!

Yes, I think we should.

What the hell was that?

Eh, she was too much for me.

Anyways, all this talk of BJs,
I need it now.


Well, okay.

♪ These seven words ♪

♪ I say to you ♪

♪ One by one ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ And you have to know ♪


♪ If I could change ♪


♪ How I'm insane ♪

♪ If I could learn to leave ♪

♪ My troubles behind ♪

♪ It's starting to burn ♪

♪ And I want to go home ♪

♪ Only home I've known ♪

♪ Lost in the storm ♪

♪ It had to be seven words
to set us free ♪

♪ Now I face tomorrow ♪

♪ Now I face tomorrow ♪

♪ Now I face tomorrow. ♪

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