You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Other Things You Could Be Doing - full transcript

Gretchen's depression comes to a head, forcing Jimmy to make a tough choice. Lindsay finally lets Paul go. Edgar has his improv graduation show.

I'm gonna suck on your toes.

Do it.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

Oh, stop.

Skiing is rough on the feet.

Skiing?! It looks like

these things got caught
in the gears of a clock.

This is crazy.

I was just about to let you rawdog me

on my bar with my foot in your mouth.

Yeah, the foot part's not happening.

Neither is the other part.

- What?
- I've had enough drunken,

sloppy hookups to last me a lifetime.

Oh, so the stories about sex

in the Winter Olympic Village are true?

It's like a rap video from the '90s,

except everyone's pale
and has pins in their legs.

Listen, I'm going up
to my cabin later today.

If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.

I'll pick you up at 5:00.


Oh, hey, um, don't knock.

I'll just meet you outside.

- It's my roommate.
- Shh. I get it.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull

Tall Nathan called.

They're renting my room.

I have to clear out my stuff this week.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

You've been great about
letting me crash with you,

but it's time to get my own place.

Wow, it's so sad.

I'm 33, and I'm excited

about living in a shitty
studio in Koreatown.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to forge a connection

with each audience member beforehand.

Oh, you're not doing a bit.

I really hope he likes the show.

He saw a bad production of The
Caucasian Chalk Circle once.

It ruined his entire summer.


You get to be selfish today.

I know, but...

this is the first chance

for Jimmy to see me as something else.

Improv is the only thing I've ever done

that I've been really proud of.

What about Iraq?

One night after a bunch
of us went drinking,

we came across these
locals playing Mheibes.

Okay, well, have a good show!


Shh. These decals are
tricky to apply straight.

You should have seen the
mess I made of the dolphin.

It looked like a scene
from The Cove.

The other night, I almost died.


As I stood there,

cold steel pressed against
the side of my head,

seconds from oblivion... Well...

a traumatic event like that

makes you reevaluate your relationships.



- What is that?
- The key

to the Tupperman's house.

You used to baby-sit for them.

Where did you find this?

I was desperate for a place to
make out with Kenny Van Dzingel,

so I stole their key from your room.

You got me fired!

Mom took away

my Tamagotchi!

It starved to death, Lindsay. Starved!

I've been such a bad sister.

I am so, so,

so sorry.

I want to be better to
everyone, especially you.

I love you.

- Oh!
- What?

I guess the baby loves the
sound of you apologizing. Feel.

Now, while you're on an apology tour,

have you apologized to Paul for
dragging things out for so long?

- I can't. It's too hard.
- Hey.

You bravely apologized to me

for how you've been a totally really

shitty sister for our entire lives.

If you can do that, you can let go of Paul.

You never told me.

Am I gonna be an aunt or an uncle?

No, Linds, you-you...

The doctor wrote it down in this envelope.

Oh. We're saving the reveal
for the big baby shower.

We don't even know.

But from the length of my
mucus, I do have a guess.

Can you not talk about mucus?

I just had a lot of very
questionable yogurt toppings.

I thought you were staying
at Lindsay's indefinitely.

Do you want to talk?

Okay. Well, judging from the
things you said last time,

I'm assuming you didn't come for me.

Unless you did.

Which is something you could
confirm or deny right now

with a grunt.

Or a twitch, really.


Do you know what?

You are being dramatic and self-pitying,

and, frankly, it's unbecoming.

Just snap out of it.

Just stop it, Gretchen. Just...

Stop it!

So that's it, is it?

You're done?

Well, fine.

I'm leaving town for a few days.


This is ridiculous!

If you don't want me to talk
to you, why did you return?


Are you not even slightly curious

where I might be going, hmm?

'Cause you wouldn't like it.

Not at all.


All right, now you've
really cheesed me off.

This is my house!
I'm not going anywhere.


Not reading any more texts.

In fact, I'm gonna block you.

And in doing so, I've
inadvertently read your text.


I did not think this out properly.

Well, that's the last one.

If you want to communicate,

then you can just talk to
me with your dumb mouth.

What are you doing?

If you're not gonna talk to me,

then you can talk to your friends.

Your contacts make no sense.

"Weird cummer?" "Racist but hot?"

Eight that just say, "Do not answer."

Henry Rollins?

Don't call him. Don't call anyone.

Well, then get up and stop me.


Dang. That's spooky.

She's just staring at nothing.

Just like one of them Peaky Blinders.

Okay, I haven't watched it yet.

Jaclyn got us watching Rectify.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm sorry I gave you scabies.

I'm sorry I left you alone
at that party with Moby.

Your mother didn't
needlessly and recklessly

vaccinate you, did she?

Want to hear a joke?

I know exactly how you feel.

It's like, what's the point of it all?

I, uh...

I forgot my joke.

I have this friend, Kasia,
who was in the dumps, too.

She was sleeping in an abandoned
apartment in Novokuznetsk,

living off potato water
and Ukrainian candy, but...

you should see her now.

Some of the most legendary geniuses

of our time suffer from depression.

David Foster Wallace,
Hemingway, Spalding Grey,

Boner from Growing Pains.


- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

- All of them?
- All of them.

My dad looks just like you do right now.

Last week, he didn't come out
of his room for three days,

so I had a mustard sandwich for dinner.

And so that's why I founded
my anti-vaccine group.

Because I realized I really
have to give back, you know?

And, also, it's just not about me anymore.

And, also, can you imagine
how hard my life would be

if my baby came out...?

I'm sorry. During The
Rock of Love auditions,

I called you a "poor man's Isla Fischer."

"Oh, great, they opened a pudding stand

next to the taxidermy school."

Who cares?

Now she drives an Alpina.

I only drive a seven series!

She's got a gold Apple watch!

That heartless, tyrannical bitch.

Even Boner?

Even Boner.

It ain't even real acting.

You just be, like,
"Yeah, my car broke down."

Then you nut a dude or two
while they drive the van around,

and they give you, like, 65 bucks!

Free money, basically.

What if we, like, just got a group together

and went to the Ace, Palm Springs?

Lexi won't care.

Plus... I have a separate credit card.

My dad gave it to me for emergencies.

I guess I'm not exactly sure

what I'm supposed to be doing here.

And I'm sorry

about that one time we were camping,

and I told you a bear
pooped in your sleeping bag.

There was no bear.

Thank you for coming to the 101 class show

for our baby improvisers.

We know that there are other things

that you could be doing at
3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday,

like working...

...or watching Maury Povich,

masturbating, masturbating while
watching Maury Povich.

I like when they're not the
dad, and then they immediately

jump into the audience and
start high-fiving everyone.

And then, the mom's, like, "No,
I thought he was the dad!"

Anyway, please welcome our 101 class!

Oh, babies!

All right, all right, we're
starting with speed scenes.

I need a location. Yell it out.

Train station!

I heard "train station."

Oh, gee, I hope the train comes soon.

I can't wait to get to get
to my job at the bomb factory.

Extra! Extra! Japan surrenders.

The war is over! Ha.

Oops. Well, back to the kitchen for me.

Wow. That is offensive.

I am totally not blind.

Hey, yo, watch it!

I'm a baby over here!


- Hey, yo, Bill.
- Yeah, Carl?

I think it's really cool

when the lady feeds me
from her boob, ya know?

Yeah, I like that, too.

Aw, yeah.

I just pooped myself.


Uh, oh, oh...


Thank you all so much!

Thank you so much for coming.

Please stick around for
beer and wine in the lobby.


I'm not the father?




Oh, yes! Yes!


That was great!


Your chicken-wing is
improving by leaps and bounds.

I've got a good teacher.

Oh, zorp!

The parking meter's almost out.

I'll be back in a jiff.

Then, I want a mancala rematch.

Oh, someone's a glutton for punishment.

- Oh.
- Let me ask you something.

Do you really love Paul?

I-I feel for you.

You had the perfect man

and you didn't appreciate him.

But to answer your question,


I do love him.

Unequivocally, to the end of the galaxy...

which is ever-expanding,

so, technically, not
an actual place, but...

You just talked back to me.

Never do it again,

but that's good.

Paul needs someone who can defend him.

He's kind of a marshmallow.

And that's the difference
between you and me:

I love that about him.


I signed them.

He's yours.



Why... why are they sticky?

Take care of him, okay?

Make sure he puts on

that super-tight sweatshirt

if there's a thunderstorm.

The pressure reduces his anxiety.

I know.

That's for stealing my husband.

Relationships are tough, Jimmy.

My mom has a new boyfriend.

My dad won't stop crying.

He's been playing "Hurdy Gurdy Man"

on repeat for days.

It's really scary.

Oh, that's good to hear.

Go away.

You're erect!

That's amazing.

I can't say it again.

I can't.

I just still can't understand.

Can you... can you
explain it to me, please?

I'm... scraped out.

I'm that car we sent to Mars,

flipped upside-down so the sun
can't reach my solar panels.

I've always been able

to flip myself back over eventually, but...

I ran out of times.

This is how I am now.

And it's not okay with you.

Nor should it be.


Well, um...

I suppose it's-it's good
that this happened now,

instead of, I don't know,
like, ten years down the line.


I'll be back in a couple of days.

I'll be out by the time you get back.

Have fun.

You deserve it.

Whoever she is.





I couldn't find you!

That was so good.

Didn't that feel good?

Oh, my God, your steroid
accountant character

was hysterical.

Who just lets someone sit

in someone else's reserved seat?

They give them up as soon as
the show starts, you know that.

All I know is

when you think someone's
here supporting you

and then they're not,

it feels really bad.

I hate that Jimmy ruined
that great show for you.

That sucks.

I just thought we were
getting to a new place.

He sees me with a girlfriend,

a job, a new passion...

But... clearly I was wrong.

He still just thinks of me

as a freeloading veteran
with perfect features.

Hey, you need to concentrate on you.

On what's next for Edgar.

And I hope whatever's next
for Edgar has me in it.

Hey, I have to go look
at this new apartment.

You want to come with me
and then go to the diner?


Have you ever dipped
fries into a milkshake?

Sounds weird.






Mother (horn blares)!


The bedroom is small,

but it's not like I'm going
to do CrossFit in there.

And Edgar, there's a
little window in the closet.

And I love the floors.

Yuck to the kitchen,

but it's got a view.

I've never had a view before.

Dang, I wish it was $400 less.

You love it.

I love it.

Then you should live here.

I can't afford it.

At this point, it's just a fantasy.

But maybe some day,

if I pick up a few extra classes...

We could split it.

What are you talking about?

What did you... what do
you think I'm talking about?

Living together.

But that's crazy.


You're serious?

Could we get furniture

that's not just trash from off the street?

We could do that.

So, for real? You want to do this?

For real.

You want to live with me!

♪ I am a house built ♪

♪ Out of twigs and ♪

Sto-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ones ♪

♪ I am a house... ♪

You stayed?


You stayed.

♪ But I got love to give ♪

♪ And give and give and give ♪

♪ And give and give ♪

♪ I got love to give ♪

♪ And give and give and give ♪

♪ And give and give ♪


♪ I am storm cloud ♪

♪ But without a lightning bolt ♪

♪ To help me see
my way-ay-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ I am a rain drop... ♪

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull

♪ ...But I got love to give ♪

♪ And give and give and give... ♪