You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Fists and Feet and Stuff - full transcript
Jimmy and Gretchen take their relationship to the next level.
(grunts)
(typing)
¶ I can't fall
For this again
I will try till the very end
¶ Holy days
Holy nights
You shook me once
¶ But you won't do it twice
I should have known
You wouldn't stick
¶ 'Cause you're a habit
That I just can't kick
So when you're done
¶ Letting me down
I won't be around, no
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on, baby
I'm moving on
I got to keep moving
On, on, on... ¶
(stomach rumbling)
(panting)
(stomach rumbling loudly)
(stomach continues rumbling)
¶ I see you walking
Down the street
You're picking pockets
¶ Of the ones you meet
You always say
You never told... ¶
(truck creaking rhythmically)
(panting)
¶ I don't think we should
So when your weight
Is bringing you down
¶ I won't be around, no
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on
I'm moving on
I'm moving on, baby
I'm moving on... ¶
(phone chimes)
¶ Got to keep moving
On, on, on. ¶
>> ¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
Gonna leave you anyway. ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Lost and you won't let it up
Feeling tired... ¶
¶ ¶
>> BECCA: Excuse me.
What the hell is Jimmy doing
here?
And I thought you promised you
weren't gonna make your
disgusting punch.
>> VERNON: Babe, my boys expect
the trash juice.
>> BECCA: Your boys?
>> VERNON: Yeah. You know I
never get to see them.
Dave's got, like, a billion
stupid kids, and Slider's a
state senator now. It sucks.
>> BECCA: Fine, but why did you
invite Jimmy?
>> VERNON: Men stop making
friends at 23. It's science.
When was the last time I had any
visitors to my man cave, except
that zero Paul?
>> LINDSAY: Hey!
>> BECCA: Did you bring the
lemons?
>> LINDSAY: Ah...
>> BECCA: I give people one job!
>> VERNON: Hey, Linds, taste
this.
>> BECCA: No, thanks.
I'm actually not drinking.
Psst.
>> BECCA: What?
>> LINDSAY: Listen, I never told
Paul about what I told you at
yoga.
>> BECCA: You promised!
>> LINDSAY: I'm snowballing
here, sis.
It's like that time you guys had
that intervention for me right
after semester at sea.
>> BECCA: You know what, Linds?
Your cockaholism may be just
about the least important thing
in the world to me right now.
I need this party to go off
without a hitch.
It's a big deal.
>> VERNON: You sure?
>> LINDSAY: Maybe just a sip.
>> VERNON: Just have a sip.
Here you go.
>> BECCA: Well...
I didn't know you'd be coming.
>> JIMMY: Can we do this later?
I have to find Gretchen.
>> BECCA: Oh, did that idiot
invite her, too?
I'm actually glad you're here.
>> JIMMY: Why? You're gonna try
and have sex with me again?
>> BECCA: It was a momentary
lapse of sanity.
So, thank you for... going
against your animal instincts
towards me.
>> JIMMY: My animal instinct is
to run into traffic.
>> BECCA: Oh, come on, Jimmy.
We both know I could have
flicked off one shoe...
>> JIMMY: Your feet are awful,
Bec.
Shallow nail beds, pathetic
arches.
I only forced myself to
occasionally finish on the
abominable things so you
wouldn't know how repulsive they
really are.
>> BECCA: Well, at least my
heart isn't repulsive, Jimmy!
>> LINDSAY: Hey, you.
>> JIMMY: Hey.
Have-have you seen Gretchen?
>> LINDSAY: Remember when you
started dating my sister,
she and I were still living
together, and I would listen
through the wall and scrunch my
pillow into the perfect shape?
>> JIMMY: No! Stop. What?!
>> LINDSAY: I've had that pillow
since I was 11.
His name is Brandon
Pointycorners.
>> JIMMY: Whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa!
Have you lost your mind?!
>> LINDSAY: Come on.
Just kiss me.
You and Gretchen broke up.
It doesn't matter.
We're all gonna die.
(Jimmy gasps)
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Gretchen!
>> TOMMY: Dude.
>> EDGAR: Oh, hey, Jimmy.
This is my new roommate Nigel.
Nigel, this is my old roommate.
>> JIMMY: Hi.
Do we know each other?
>> TOMMY (British accent):
I don't think so.
How is it, then, mate?
>> JIMMY: You just happened to
find another English roommate?
>> EDGAR: Yup.
>> JIMMY: When did you come
over?
>> TOMMY: Uh, May 2008.
I was at university there
studying design, but it wasn't
for me.
>> JIMMY: Dorm or apartment?
>> TOMMY: Oh, you mean flat.
Dorm.
Uh, Scotia Quay.
Why? Do you know it?
>> LINDSAY: Gretchen!
Gretchen.
Ooh. Gretchen!
Don't you walk away from me!
>> GRETCHEN: You were trying to
kiss my boy... my ex-boyfriend!
What is wrong with you?
>> LINDSAY: I have a disease.
>> GRETCHEN: Your only disease
is that you don't love your
husband.
>> LINDSAY: I'm trying to be
better.
>> GRETCHEN: By kissing Jimmy?
You creep!
>> ¶ Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal... ¶
>> LINDSAY: I lost my best
friend.
I'm losing my husband.
I don't know what I want.
(shouting): Shut up, you fish!
>> ¶ And you'll be left be alone
(skipping): Be left alone
Be left alone
Be... left... alone... ¶
(music stops)
>> LINDSAY: You left me behind,
Gretchen, at the rapper party,
in life.
You always leave me behind.
>> GRETCHEN: I had to figure out
my own shit!
And I can't do that with you
sitting on my shoulder like some
stacked cartoon devil
whispering, "Take dicks, do more
coke, help me destroy my
marriage."
>> LINDSAY: That is really
hurtful.
You think I'm the devil?
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy was gonna
propose to me.
>> LINDSAY: What?!
>> GRETCHEN: Yeah.
I found the ring.
That's why I stopped seeing him.
It's why I've been acting so
weird.
>> LINDSAY: Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
What is wrong with him?
>> GRETCHEN: I know!
Hey.
>> LINDSAY: Well, at least you
tried with Jimmy.
>> GRETCHEN: Did I really,
though?
Part of me feels like I had one
foot out the door the whole
time.
But, I mean, marriage?
How ridiculous is that?
It's so ordinary.
>> LINDSAY: I know.
What's wrong with us?
Are we feminists?
Is this feminism?
>> GRETCHEN: We're just running
away from stuff.
I don't think that's feminism.
It's fear.
>> LINDSAY: So what are you
saying?
That actually trying is the
brave thing?
>> GRETCHEN: Maybe.
Maybe buying in is really the
punk rock choice.
Am I considering this?
Oh, my God.
>> LINDSAY: Uh-uh, bitch.
Don't you leave me behind!
You're not gonna be the only one
trying things.
I know.
I'll have a baby!
>> GRETCHEN: Ew! With Paul?
>> LINDSAY: Yes!
Gretch, we're going to buy in.
>> GRETCHEN: I think we may be
growing up.
>> LINDSAY: I know.
Isn't it awful?
>> GRETCHEN: If you ever try to
kiss Jimmy again, I will punch
you in the clit.
>> LINDSAY: Deal.
>> JIMMY: The Scotland
situation, huh?
>> TOMMY: Ugh. "Stay with us,
Scotland.
You belong in the UK."
>> EDGAR: Mm-hmm.
>> JIMMY: Coronation Street
finally cancelled.
>> TOMMY: Jimmy, if it had been,
my mum would have rung me
crying, so I think that you're
wrong about that one.
(laughter)
>> JIMMY: All right.
So where are you guys living?
>> EDGAR: Uh, we're over, uh...
>> TOMMY: Uh, west, uh... No.
>> EDGAR: N-Nicaragua.
>> TOMMY: Little. Little.
Little. Little...
>> EDGAR: L-Little...
>> BOTH: Little Nicaragua.
>> JIMMY: I knew it!
You rubbish liars.
>> TOMMY (no accent): Sorry,
Edgar.
I studied as hard as I could.
>> JIMMY: Talk.
>> EDGAR: He's an actor I met a
while back.
>> JIMMY: NCIS: L.A.?
>> TOMMY: Yes!
(laughs) Thank you!
Thanks. I love my fans.
Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle.
>> EDGAR: I'll-I'll come with
you.
>> TOMMY: Keep watching, dude.
>> JIMMY: Oh, of course.
(chuckles)
>> BECCA: Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
No, no one can leave yet.
No, actually, guys, you...
>> VERNON: You want a juice?
Do you want a trash juice?
Trash juice.
Are you ready for your trash
juice?
Here's the rest of the vodka.
I'm putting it in.
Trash juice! Trash juice!
Trash juice.
I made so much trash juice.
You guys should have some.
Do I have to drink all this
trash juice by myself?!
Ah!
Drink your juice, boys!
¶ ¶
>> ¶ Brooklyn, Brooklyn
Brooklyn, Brooklyn, hey ¶
>> ¶ C'est si bon
She love to get it on
Every time I see her
¶ I cut like coupons
Yeah, Kovas is the beast
Do the rap in the track
Triple-double, no assists... ¶
>> LINDSAY: There you are.
Doing dishes at someone else's
house.
I saw this and thought of you,
because you're so sweet.
And because you love raisins.
Even though they're disgusting
failed grapes.
Sorry what I said about raisins.
>> PAUL: I saw you trying to
kiss Jimmy.
>> LINDSAY: What? What?!
What are... what are you...
>> PAUL: I'm not stupid.
I saw you.
>> LINDSAY: Come on.
You're my Paullywog.
>> PAUL: Stop it.
You respect me so little that
you...
>> LINDSAY: Honey.
Okay, honey, I know.
I'm sorry, but that was before.
>> PAUL: That was half an hour
ago.
>> LINDSAY: Right, before now.
I...
(Paul sighs)
I'm so messed up.
>> PAUL: You don't need a
telescope to see that.
(quiet chatter)
>> JIMMY: There you are.
Hey. Right, listen...
>> GRETCHEN: You listen.
I know that I have issues, but
it is not up to you to fix them.
>> JIMMY: You're right.
Okay, look, I massively
overstepped with your parents,
and nothing like that will ever
happen again.
>> GRETCHEN: Okay.
>> JIMMY: Okay?
>> GRETCHEN: I did not expect
you to apologize so quickly.
Look, I appreciate that we have
a strong connection, but right
now, that?
That's crazytown. (chuckles)
Have I thought about it?
Maybe in some abstract way way
down the line, but clearly now
would be bonkers.
But...
then I started thinking about
it, and maybe we're like two pit
bulls, you know?
You put either with another dog,
and that dog's toast.
But, together, they're couch
buds.
They nullify the threat through
mutually assured destruction.
So, uh... I don't know.
I mean, it's bananas, Jimmy.
But, um...
What I mean is, uh...
Whew!
I mean, the punk rock choice,
Jimmy, is yes.
So screw it. Why not?
Yes, Jimmy.
Yes.
>> JIMMY: What are you talking
about?
>> GRETCHEN: I found the
engagement ring in your drawer.
That is why I freaked out.
>> JIMMY: Oh...
>> GRETCHEN: But then I started
thinking about it, and-and the
thing about pit bulls, how...
Oh, God.
>> JIMMY: Th-The ring was for
Becca.
Almost three years ago.
I was... I was just too
embarrassed to return it.
D-Did you...
Oh, Gretchen, don't be
embarrassed.
>> GRETCHEN: I shit myself
earlier, and that is only the
second most embarrassing thing
that has happened to me today.
>> JIMMY: Oh...
>> LINDSAY: (gasps) Are you leaving?
>> GRETCHEN: Yes, I cannot stay
here anymore.
>> LINDSAY: You can't leave me
again.
I'm seriously gonna lose it.
Gretchen, you have to stay.
Or... I'm gonna suck that guy's
dick.
And that guy's dick.
And definitely that guy's dick.
>> GRETCHEN: Okay, okay.
I'll stay. I'll stay.
Why do you smell like shrimp?
>> BECCA: Hello.
Hello. (chuckles)
Hello? Quiet.
Shut that goddamn music off.
(music stops)
Okay, well, whew, first of all,
how hashtag blessed are we to
have you, our dearest friends,
gathered with us tonight?
As a society, we go through
nothing alone.
We are a family.
A family of friends, coworkers,
neighbors we don't know very
well...
>> JIMMY: Listen, I had a
momentary lapse of sanity with
Becca.
>> GRETCHEN: The worst thing is
this means you wanted to marry
Becca, but you can't even let me
spend the night without it
becoming a goddamn traumatic
event.
>> BECCA: Shh!
29 years ago, a baby girl was
born.
>> VERNON: 29?
>> BECCA: And all she wanted,
ever since she was pretending to
breast-feed her Baby All Gone,
was to have her own baby.
There is a quote from one of my
favorite books, The Little
Prince by Antoine de...
>> VERNON: I pregged her up, you
guys!
>> BECCA: I'm pregnant!
I'm having a baby!
(crowd cheering)
(laughs)
Thank you.
>> LINDSAY: Hello, everybody!
(laughs)
Um, we're having a baby, too!
(scattered applause)
Well, not yet, but we're gonna
start trying to have one.
Yay!
>> BECCA: What is wrong with
you?
How dare you try to ruin my
moment.
>> LINDSAY: It's always your
moment!
When's my moment?
>> BECCA: You had your moment
when you got married before your
older sister, which is an
aggressive and hateful act in
any culture!
>> LINDSAY: This isn't about
you.
This is about me and Paul
and-and our...
>> PAUL: Stop it!
I'm not having a baby with you.
>> LINDSAY: Paul?
>> PAUL: Because I'm having a
baby with someone else.
(crowd gasping)
At some point.
In the future.
Because I'm involved with
someone else.
(crowd gasping)
Though, to be fair, it's purely
emotional at this point.
I'm having an emotional affair.
>> LINDSAY: What are you talking
about?
>> PAUL: Her name is Amy.
We met on a homebrew chat room.
>> VERNON: (laughs) What a
loser.
>> PAUL: Amy...
She's excited about me.
She's... nice to me.
>> LINDSAY: Bear.
>> PAUL: Lindsay, I want to
begin the process of conscious
uncoupling with you.
>> LINDSAY: No.
>> PAUL: Yes, Lindsay.
I want a divorce.
>> BECCA: Oh. Well.
Ooh. (groans)
Mom is gonna be so disappointed.
Guess you'd better give us the
good china.
>> LINDSAY: Like your marriage
is so perfect.
You nearly banged Jimmy last
week.
>> GRETCHEN: What?!
>> JIMMY: Okay, just to clarify,
she tried to bang me.
I turned her down.
Marvelously satisfying, really.
>> LINDSAY: You tried to sleep
with him?
I thought he tried to kiss you
at your house.
>> JIMMY: (clears throat) Okay,
that happened also.
But it was... it was part of
this thing where we were
competing to bang our exes.
>> BECCA: What is wrong with you
two?!
>> VERNON: You tried to bang my
wife?
>> JIMMY: She tried to sleep
with me.
>> VERNON: I let you be my
forever-friend.
I was gonna invite you into the
man cave.
>> JIMMY: I barely even know
you!
>> VERNON: Well, now you're
gonna know... my fists and feet
and stuff!
>> JIMMY: Oh, shit.
(grunting)
>> VERNON: You British prick!
>> BECCA: Vernon, get him!
>> EDGAR: Go to sleep, Vernon.
>> BECCA: Edgar, stop it!
>> EDGAR: Go... to... sleep.
>> VERNON: But I'm not sleepy.
>> BECCA: Oh, God.
Get away from him.
Vernon. Vernon.
>> GUEST: Okay, bye, Becca.
Congratulations.
>> BECCA: Wouldn't it...
No, no, no.
No, you c... you can't go.
Hey, no, no.
Where are you going?
Hey, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
You...
This is my night!
>> JIMMY: Has anyone seen
Gretchen?
>> BRIANNA: Oh, sorry, Jimmy,
but I think she left.
(Jimmy sighs)
>> TOMMY: Hey, Jimmy.
You want in on this?
>> JIMMY: Uh, no, but have fun.
Listen.
I will kill you if you tell him
I said so, but Edgar is one of
the few genuinely decent people
on this planet.
You're lucky to be his friend.
>> TOMMY: Oh, I'm not his
friend.
He cleans toilets at my gym.
>> JIMMY: Edgar got a job?
>> TOMMY: I felt really bad
about lying to him when we first
met, so I agreed to help him out
today.
(Scottish accent): Plus,
I'm great at accent work.
>> JIMMY: Are you?
>> TOMMY: Anyway, like I could
really be friends with someone
who lives in their car.
>> JIMMY: Hey.
>> EDGAR: Hey.
Uh, so, uh, uh, h-how have
you been?
>> JIMMY: Not well.
I haven't been feeding myself
properly.
>> EDGAR: I told you before I
left, the menus are in a blue
binder in the bottom drawer.
>> JIMMY: Listen, maybe...
Could you move back in?
I...
You'd be doing me a favor.
>> EDGAR: I have a job now,
Jimmy.
I'm making great progress.
I can't go backwards.
If I move back in, I'm paying
rent, and I'm not cooking for
you anymore.
>> JIMMY: Market value for your
bedroom is $1,200 a month.
>> EDGAR: I will do some light
housework.
>> JIMMY: Thanks.
>> EDGAR: Oh, hey, uh...
>> JIMMY: Hey, coming up.
>> EDGAR: Oh.
(knocking)
>> GRETCHEN: Why can't you just
let this be over?
>> JIMMY: Because I can't.
Look, I don't know why I
proposed to Becca.
It is a giant mystery, fueled
mostly by my desire to make up
for my wretched family and the
fact that she gives spectacular
blow jobs.
>> GRETCHEN: Really?
>> JIMMY: Yeah, I do not know
what's going on with that mouth.
She's like a human Brookstone
massage chair.
>> GRETCHEN: I am completely
stunned by this information.
>> JIMMY: Maybe the sour face
creates extra suction.
Look, Becca was a choice.
A dumb choice, but a choice.
You and I-- we're inevitable.
>> GRETCHEN: Words, man.
You got a lot of pretty words,
but that doesn't mean...
>> JIMMY: Shut up.
I'm not done.
Let's be those pit bulls.
I want to be your couch bud.
Move in with me.
(Gretchen groans)
(key clinks on floor)
>> JIMMY: Sorry. Why'd you do
that?
>> GRETCHEN: I just humiliated
myself by accepting your
non-marriage proposal.
I cannot now move in with you.
>> JIMMY: Yeah, but I'm... I'm
actually asking you this time.
>> GRETCHEN: Bullshit.
You're just doing this as a Hail
Mary because you know you're
about to lose me for good.
>> JIMMY: No, no, no! I was...
I was going to ask you at the
party.
I had the key made yesterday.
Look, my entire life, I've been
obsessed with trying to live the
life of a writer-- just full of
loneliness and suffering.
But over the last two weeks,
what I have finally realized is
that the worst possible draft of
my life is the one without you
in it.
I hate it, Gretchen Cutler, but
you goddamn floor me.
>> GRETCHEN: No.
Not yet.
>> JIMMY: Okay.
Okay.
(Gretchen sighs)
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, shit.
We're gonna do this.
>> JIMMY: Yeah.
Shit.
>> GRETCHEN: We're gonna do
this, even though we know there
is only one way this ends.
Whether in a week or 20 years.
There is horrible sadness and
pain coming, and we're inviting
it.
>> JIMMY: God, I love the way
you think.
(fire crackling)
(smoke alarm beeping)
¶ ¶
>> LINDSAY: ¶ Oh, oh-ooh
Ooh ¶
¶ Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
¶ This woman's world
Ooh, it's hard on the man
Now his part is over
¶ Now starts the craft
Of the father
I know you have a little life
¶ In you yet
I know you have a lot
Of strength left
¶ I know you have a little life
In you yet
I know you have a lot
¶ Of strength left
I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
¶ I should be hoping
But I can't stop thinking
Of all the things
¶ I should have said
That I never said
All the things
¶ I should have done
That we never did
All the things
¶ I should have given
But I didn't... ¶
>> BECCA: We're gonna have a
baby.
(Vernon snorts, snores)
(sirens wailing)
>> GRETCHEN: Still got that key?
>> LINDSAY: ¶ I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
I should be hoping
¶ But I can't stop thinking
Of all the things
I should have said
¶ That I never said
All the things
I should have done
¶ That we never did
All the things
I should have given
¶ But I didn't
Oh, darling
Make it go
Make it go away... ¶
(cat meows)
>> MANAGER: Oh, my God.
Come on.
Who's that?
Oh, my God.
Oh! I'm gonna get you...
>> EDGAR: Roomie.
>> GRETCHEN: Roomie.
>> LINDSAY: Mm, thanks.
(chuckles)
(Edgar sniffs)
>> KILLIAN: Hi.
>> JIMMY: Quick. I need that
copy of my house key that I gave
you. Got it?
>> KILLIAN: I thought you needed
me to water your plants next
week.
>> JIMMY: I'll get you another key.
>> KILLIAN: Where's your key?
>> JIMMY: Hurry. Just grab a
box.
Nice. Thanks.
What's that?
>> GRETCHEN: Food processor.
>> JIMMY: Ah.
>> GRETCHEN: You having second
thoughts about me moving in?
>> JIMMY: No, no. Of course not.
You?
>> GRETCHEN: No.
>> JIMMY: Good.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
Gonna leave you anyway
¶ You're gonna walk
Right out that door
You're gonna walk
¶ Right out that door
You're gonna walk
And walk away. ¶
(typing)
¶ I can't fall
For this again
I will try till the very end
¶ Holy days
Holy nights
You shook me once
¶ But you won't do it twice
I should have known
You wouldn't stick
¶ 'Cause you're a habit
That I just can't kick
So when you're done
¶ Letting me down
I won't be around, no
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on, baby
I'm moving on
I got to keep moving
On, on, on... ¶
(stomach rumbling)
(panting)
(stomach rumbling loudly)
(stomach continues rumbling)
¶ I see you walking
Down the street
You're picking pockets
¶ Of the ones you meet
You always say
You never told... ¶
(truck creaking rhythmically)
(panting)
¶ I don't think we should
So when your weight
Is bringing you down
¶ I won't be around, no
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
¶ I'm moving on
I'm moving on
I'm moving on, baby
I'm moving on... ¶
(phone chimes)
¶ Got to keep moving
On, on, on. ¶
>> ¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
Gonna leave you anyway. ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Lost and you won't let it up
Feeling tired... ¶
¶ ¶
>> BECCA: Excuse me.
What the hell is Jimmy doing
here?
And I thought you promised you
weren't gonna make your
disgusting punch.
>> VERNON: Babe, my boys expect
the trash juice.
>> BECCA: Your boys?
>> VERNON: Yeah. You know I
never get to see them.
Dave's got, like, a billion
stupid kids, and Slider's a
state senator now. It sucks.
>> BECCA: Fine, but why did you
invite Jimmy?
>> VERNON: Men stop making
friends at 23. It's science.
When was the last time I had any
visitors to my man cave, except
that zero Paul?
>> LINDSAY: Hey!
>> BECCA: Did you bring the
lemons?
>> LINDSAY: Ah...
>> BECCA: I give people one job!
>> VERNON: Hey, Linds, taste
this.
>> BECCA: No, thanks.
I'm actually not drinking.
Psst.
>> BECCA: What?
>> LINDSAY: Listen, I never told
Paul about what I told you at
yoga.
>> BECCA: You promised!
>> LINDSAY: I'm snowballing
here, sis.
It's like that time you guys had
that intervention for me right
after semester at sea.
>> BECCA: You know what, Linds?
Your cockaholism may be just
about the least important thing
in the world to me right now.
I need this party to go off
without a hitch.
It's a big deal.
>> VERNON: You sure?
>> LINDSAY: Maybe just a sip.
>> VERNON: Just have a sip.
Here you go.
>> BECCA: Well...
I didn't know you'd be coming.
>> JIMMY: Can we do this later?
I have to find Gretchen.
>> BECCA: Oh, did that idiot
invite her, too?
I'm actually glad you're here.
>> JIMMY: Why? You're gonna try
and have sex with me again?
>> BECCA: It was a momentary
lapse of sanity.
So, thank you for... going
against your animal instincts
towards me.
>> JIMMY: My animal instinct is
to run into traffic.
>> BECCA: Oh, come on, Jimmy.
We both know I could have
flicked off one shoe...
>> JIMMY: Your feet are awful,
Bec.
Shallow nail beds, pathetic
arches.
I only forced myself to
occasionally finish on the
abominable things so you
wouldn't know how repulsive they
really are.
>> BECCA: Well, at least my
heart isn't repulsive, Jimmy!
>> LINDSAY: Hey, you.
>> JIMMY: Hey.
Have-have you seen Gretchen?
>> LINDSAY: Remember when you
started dating my sister,
she and I were still living
together, and I would listen
through the wall and scrunch my
pillow into the perfect shape?
>> JIMMY: No! Stop. What?!
>> LINDSAY: I've had that pillow
since I was 11.
His name is Brandon
Pointycorners.
>> JIMMY: Whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa!
Have you lost your mind?!
>> LINDSAY: Come on.
Just kiss me.
You and Gretchen broke up.
It doesn't matter.
We're all gonna die.
(Jimmy gasps)
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Gretchen!
>> TOMMY: Dude.
>> EDGAR: Oh, hey, Jimmy.
This is my new roommate Nigel.
Nigel, this is my old roommate.
>> JIMMY: Hi.
Do we know each other?
>> TOMMY (British accent):
I don't think so.
How is it, then, mate?
>> JIMMY: You just happened to
find another English roommate?
>> EDGAR: Yup.
>> JIMMY: When did you come
over?
>> TOMMY: Uh, May 2008.
I was at university there
studying design, but it wasn't
for me.
>> JIMMY: Dorm or apartment?
>> TOMMY: Oh, you mean flat.
Dorm.
Uh, Scotia Quay.
Why? Do you know it?
>> LINDSAY: Gretchen!
Gretchen.
Ooh. Gretchen!
Don't you walk away from me!
>> GRETCHEN: You were trying to
kiss my boy... my ex-boyfriend!
What is wrong with you?
>> LINDSAY: I have a disease.
>> GRETCHEN: Your only disease
is that you don't love your
husband.
>> LINDSAY: I'm trying to be
better.
>> GRETCHEN: By kissing Jimmy?
You creep!
>> ¶ Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal... ¶
>> LINDSAY: I lost my best
friend.
I'm losing my husband.
I don't know what I want.
(shouting): Shut up, you fish!
>> ¶ And you'll be left be alone
(skipping): Be left alone
Be left alone
Be... left... alone... ¶
(music stops)
>> LINDSAY: You left me behind,
Gretchen, at the rapper party,
in life.
You always leave me behind.
>> GRETCHEN: I had to figure out
my own shit!
And I can't do that with you
sitting on my shoulder like some
stacked cartoon devil
whispering, "Take dicks, do more
coke, help me destroy my
marriage."
>> LINDSAY: That is really
hurtful.
You think I'm the devil?
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy was gonna
propose to me.
>> LINDSAY: What?!
>> GRETCHEN: Yeah.
I found the ring.
That's why I stopped seeing him.
It's why I've been acting so
weird.
>> LINDSAY: Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
What is wrong with him?
>> GRETCHEN: I know!
Hey.
>> LINDSAY: Well, at least you
tried with Jimmy.
>> GRETCHEN: Did I really,
though?
Part of me feels like I had one
foot out the door the whole
time.
But, I mean, marriage?
How ridiculous is that?
It's so ordinary.
>> LINDSAY: I know.
What's wrong with us?
Are we feminists?
Is this feminism?
>> GRETCHEN: We're just running
away from stuff.
I don't think that's feminism.
It's fear.
>> LINDSAY: So what are you
saying?
That actually trying is the
brave thing?
>> GRETCHEN: Maybe.
Maybe buying in is really the
punk rock choice.
Am I considering this?
Oh, my God.
>> LINDSAY: Uh-uh, bitch.
Don't you leave me behind!
You're not gonna be the only one
trying things.
I know.
I'll have a baby!
>> GRETCHEN: Ew! With Paul?
>> LINDSAY: Yes!
Gretch, we're going to buy in.
>> GRETCHEN: I think we may be
growing up.
>> LINDSAY: I know.
Isn't it awful?
>> GRETCHEN: If you ever try to
kiss Jimmy again, I will punch
you in the clit.
>> LINDSAY: Deal.
>> JIMMY: The Scotland
situation, huh?
>> TOMMY: Ugh. "Stay with us,
Scotland.
You belong in the UK."
>> EDGAR: Mm-hmm.
>> JIMMY: Coronation Street
finally cancelled.
>> TOMMY: Jimmy, if it had been,
my mum would have rung me
crying, so I think that you're
wrong about that one.
(laughter)
>> JIMMY: All right.
So where are you guys living?
>> EDGAR: Uh, we're over, uh...
>> TOMMY: Uh, west, uh... No.
>> EDGAR: N-Nicaragua.
>> TOMMY: Little. Little.
Little. Little...
>> EDGAR: L-Little...
>> BOTH: Little Nicaragua.
>> JIMMY: I knew it!
You rubbish liars.
>> TOMMY (no accent): Sorry,
Edgar.
I studied as hard as I could.
>> JIMMY: Talk.
>> EDGAR: He's an actor I met a
while back.
>> JIMMY: NCIS: L.A.?
>> TOMMY: Yes!
(laughs) Thank you!
Thanks. I love my fans.
Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle.
>> EDGAR: I'll-I'll come with
you.
>> TOMMY: Keep watching, dude.
>> JIMMY: Oh, of course.
(chuckles)
>> BECCA: Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
No, no one can leave yet.
No, actually, guys, you...
>> VERNON: You want a juice?
Do you want a trash juice?
Trash juice.
Are you ready for your trash
juice?
Here's the rest of the vodka.
I'm putting it in.
Trash juice! Trash juice!
Trash juice.
I made so much trash juice.
You guys should have some.
Do I have to drink all this
trash juice by myself?!
Ah!
Drink your juice, boys!
¶ ¶
>> ¶ Brooklyn, Brooklyn
Brooklyn, Brooklyn, hey ¶
>> ¶ C'est si bon
She love to get it on
Every time I see her
¶ I cut like coupons
Yeah, Kovas is the beast
Do the rap in the track
Triple-double, no assists... ¶
>> LINDSAY: There you are.
Doing dishes at someone else's
house.
I saw this and thought of you,
because you're so sweet.
And because you love raisins.
Even though they're disgusting
failed grapes.
Sorry what I said about raisins.
>> PAUL: I saw you trying to
kiss Jimmy.
>> LINDSAY: What? What?!
What are... what are you...
>> PAUL: I'm not stupid.
I saw you.
>> LINDSAY: Come on.
You're my Paullywog.
>> PAUL: Stop it.
You respect me so little that
you...
>> LINDSAY: Honey.
Okay, honey, I know.
I'm sorry, but that was before.
>> PAUL: That was half an hour
ago.
>> LINDSAY: Right, before now.
I...
(Paul sighs)
I'm so messed up.
>> PAUL: You don't need a
telescope to see that.
(quiet chatter)
>> JIMMY: There you are.
Hey. Right, listen...
>> GRETCHEN: You listen.
I know that I have issues, but
it is not up to you to fix them.
>> JIMMY: You're right.
Okay, look, I massively
overstepped with your parents,
and nothing like that will ever
happen again.
>> GRETCHEN: Okay.
>> JIMMY: Okay?
>> GRETCHEN: I did not expect
you to apologize so quickly.
Look, I appreciate that we have
a strong connection, but right
now, that?
That's crazytown. (chuckles)
Have I thought about it?
Maybe in some abstract way way
down the line, but clearly now
would be bonkers.
But...
then I started thinking about
it, and maybe we're like two pit
bulls, you know?
You put either with another dog,
and that dog's toast.
But, together, they're couch
buds.
They nullify the threat through
mutually assured destruction.
So, uh... I don't know.
I mean, it's bananas, Jimmy.
But, um...
What I mean is, uh...
Whew!
I mean, the punk rock choice,
Jimmy, is yes.
So screw it. Why not?
Yes, Jimmy.
Yes.
>> JIMMY: What are you talking
about?
>> GRETCHEN: I found the
engagement ring in your drawer.
That is why I freaked out.
>> JIMMY: Oh...
>> GRETCHEN: But then I started
thinking about it, and-and the
thing about pit bulls, how...
Oh, God.
>> JIMMY: Th-The ring was for
Becca.
Almost three years ago.
I was... I was just too
embarrassed to return it.
D-Did you...
Oh, Gretchen, don't be
embarrassed.
>> GRETCHEN: I shit myself
earlier, and that is only the
second most embarrassing thing
that has happened to me today.
>> JIMMY: Oh...
>> LINDSAY: (gasps) Are you leaving?
>> GRETCHEN: Yes, I cannot stay
here anymore.
>> LINDSAY: You can't leave me
again.
I'm seriously gonna lose it.
Gretchen, you have to stay.
Or... I'm gonna suck that guy's
dick.
And that guy's dick.
And definitely that guy's dick.
>> GRETCHEN: Okay, okay.
I'll stay. I'll stay.
Why do you smell like shrimp?
>> BECCA: Hello.
Hello. (chuckles)
Hello? Quiet.
Shut that goddamn music off.
(music stops)
Okay, well, whew, first of all,
how hashtag blessed are we to
have you, our dearest friends,
gathered with us tonight?
As a society, we go through
nothing alone.
We are a family.
A family of friends, coworkers,
neighbors we don't know very
well...
>> JIMMY: Listen, I had a
momentary lapse of sanity with
Becca.
>> GRETCHEN: The worst thing is
this means you wanted to marry
Becca, but you can't even let me
spend the night without it
becoming a goddamn traumatic
event.
>> BECCA: Shh!
29 years ago, a baby girl was
born.
>> VERNON: 29?
>> BECCA: And all she wanted,
ever since she was pretending to
breast-feed her Baby All Gone,
was to have her own baby.
There is a quote from one of my
favorite books, The Little
Prince by Antoine de...
>> VERNON: I pregged her up, you
guys!
>> BECCA: I'm pregnant!
I'm having a baby!
(crowd cheering)
(laughs)
Thank you.
>> LINDSAY: Hello, everybody!
(laughs)
Um, we're having a baby, too!
(scattered applause)
Well, not yet, but we're gonna
start trying to have one.
Yay!
>> BECCA: What is wrong with
you?
How dare you try to ruin my
moment.
>> LINDSAY: It's always your
moment!
When's my moment?
>> BECCA: You had your moment
when you got married before your
older sister, which is an
aggressive and hateful act in
any culture!
>> LINDSAY: This isn't about
you.
This is about me and Paul
and-and our...
>> PAUL: Stop it!
I'm not having a baby with you.
>> LINDSAY: Paul?
>> PAUL: Because I'm having a
baby with someone else.
(crowd gasping)
At some point.
In the future.
Because I'm involved with
someone else.
(crowd gasping)
Though, to be fair, it's purely
emotional at this point.
I'm having an emotional affair.
>> LINDSAY: What are you talking
about?
>> PAUL: Her name is Amy.
We met on a homebrew chat room.
>> VERNON: (laughs) What a
loser.
>> PAUL: Amy...
She's excited about me.
She's... nice to me.
>> LINDSAY: Bear.
>> PAUL: Lindsay, I want to
begin the process of conscious
uncoupling with you.
>> LINDSAY: No.
>> PAUL: Yes, Lindsay.
I want a divorce.
>> BECCA: Oh. Well.
Ooh. (groans)
Mom is gonna be so disappointed.
Guess you'd better give us the
good china.
>> LINDSAY: Like your marriage
is so perfect.
You nearly banged Jimmy last
week.
>> GRETCHEN: What?!
>> JIMMY: Okay, just to clarify,
she tried to bang me.
I turned her down.
Marvelously satisfying, really.
>> LINDSAY: You tried to sleep
with him?
I thought he tried to kiss you
at your house.
>> JIMMY: (clears throat) Okay,
that happened also.
But it was... it was part of
this thing where we were
competing to bang our exes.
>> BECCA: What is wrong with you
two?!
>> VERNON: You tried to bang my
wife?
>> JIMMY: She tried to sleep
with me.
>> VERNON: I let you be my
forever-friend.
I was gonna invite you into the
man cave.
>> JIMMY: I barely even know
you!
>> VERNON: Well, now you're
gonna know... my fists and feet
and stuff!
>> JIMMY: Oh, shit.
(grunting)
>> VERNON: You British prick!
>> BECCA: Vernon, get him!
>> EDGAR: Go to sleep, Vernon.
>> BECCA: Edgar, stop it!
>> EDGAR: Go... to... sleep.
>> VERNON: But I'm not sleepy.
>> BECCA: Oh, God.
Get away from him.
Vernon. Vernon.
>> GUEST: Okay, bye, Becca.
Congratulations.
>> BECCA: Wouldn't it...
No, no, no.
No, you c... you can't go.
Hey, no, no.
Where are you going?
Hey, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
You...
This is my night!
>> JIMMY: Has anyone seen
Gretchen?
>> BRIANNA: Oh, sorry, Jimmy,
but I think she left.
(Jimmy sighs)
>> TOMMY: Hey, Jimmy.
You want in on this?
>> JIMMY: Uh, no, but have fun.
Listen.
I will kill you if you tell him
I said so, but Edgar is one of
the few genuinely decent people
on this planet.
You're lucky to be his friend.
>> TOMMY: Oh, I'm not his
friend.
He cleans toilets at my gym.
>> JIMMY: Edgar got a job?
>> TOMMY: I felt really bad
about lying to him when we first
met, so I agreed to help him out
today.
(Scottish accent): Plus,
I'm great at accent work.
>> JIMMY: Are you?
>> TOMMY: Anyway, like I could
really be friends with someone
who lives in their car.
>> JIMMY: Hey.
>> EDGAR: Hey.
Uh, so, uh, uh, h-how have
you been?
>> JIMMY: Not well.
I haven't been feeding myself
properly.
>> EDGAR: I told you before I
left, the menus are in a blue
binder in the bottom drawer.
>> JIMMY: Listen, maybe...
Could you move back in?
I...
You'd be doing me a favor.
>> EDGAR: I have a job now,
Jimmy.
I'm making great progress.
I can't go backwards.
If I move back in, I'm paying
rent, and I'm not cooking for
you anymore.
>> JIMMY: Market value for your
bedroom is $1,200 a month.
>> EDGAR: I will do some light
housework.
>> JIMMY: Thanks.
>> EDGAR: Oh, hey, uh...
>> JIMMY: Hey, coming up.
>> EDGAR: Oh.
(knocking)
>> GRETCHEN: Why can't you just
let this be over?
>> JIMMY: Because I can't.
Look, I don't know why I
proposed to Becca.
It is a giant mystery, fueled
mostly by my desire to make up
for my wretched family and the
fact that she gives spectacular
blow jobs.
>> GRETCHEN: Really?
>> JIMMY: Yeah, I do not know
what's going on with that mouth.
She's like a human Brookstone
massage chair.
>> GRETCHEN: I am completely
stunned by this information.
>> JIMMY: Maybe the sour face
creates extra suction.
Look, Becca was a choice.
A dumb choice, but a choice.
You and I-- we're inevitable.
>> GRETCHEN: Words, man.
You got a lot of pretty words,
but that doesn't mean...
>> JIMMY: Shut up.
I'm not done.
Let's be those pit bulls.
I want to be your couch bud.
Move in with me.
(Gretchen groans)
(key clinks on floor)
>> JIMMY: Sorry. Why'd you do
that?
>> GRETCHEN: I just humiliated
myself by accepting your
non-marriage proposal.
I cannot now move in with you.
>> JIMMY: Yeah, but I'm... I'm
actually asking you this time.
>> GRETCHEN: Bullshit.
You're just doing this as a Hail
Mary because you know you're
about to lose me for good.
>> JIMMY: No, no, no! I was...
I was going to ask you at the
party.
I had the key made yesterday.
Look, my entire life, I've been
obsessed with trying to live the
life of a writer-- just full of
loneliness and suffering.
But over the last two weeks,
what I have finally realized is
that the worst possible draft of
my life is the one without you
in it.
I hate it, Gretchen Cutler, but
you goddamn floor me.
>> GRETCHEN: No.
Not yet.
>> JIMMY: Okay.
Okay.
(Gretchen sighs)
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, shit.
We're gonna do this.
>> JIMMY: Yeah.
Shit.
>> GRETCHEN: We're gonna do
this, even though we know there
is only one way this ends.
Whether in a week or 20 years.
There is horrible sadness and
pain coming, and we're inviting
it.
>> JIMMY: God, I love the way
you think.
(fire crackling)
(smoke alarm beeping)
¶ ¶
>> LINDSAY: ¶ Oh, oh-ooh
Ooh ¶
¶ Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
¶ This woman's world
Ooh, it's hard on the man
Now his part is over
¶ Now starts the craft
Of the father
I know you have a little life
¶ In you yet
I know you have a lot
Of strength left
¶ I know you have a little life
In you yet
I know you have a lot
¶ Of strength left
I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
¶ I should be hoping
But I can't stop thinking
Of all the things
¶ I should have said
That I never said
All the things
¶ I should have done
That we never did
All the things
¶ I should have given
But I didn't... ¶
>> BECCA: We're gonna have a
baby.
(Vernon snorts, snores)
(sirens wailing)
>> GRETCHEN: Still got that key?
>> LINDSAY: ¶ I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
I should be hoping
¶ But I can't stop thinking
Of all the things
I should have said
¶ That I never said
All the things
I should have done
¶ That we never did
All the things
I should have given
¶ But I didn't
Oh, darling
Make it go
Make it go away... ¶
(cat meows)
>> MANAGER: Oh, my God.
Come on.
Who's that?
Oh, my God.
Oh! I'm gonna get you...
>> EDGAR: Roomie.
>> GRETCHEN: Roomie.
>> LINDSAY: Mm, thanks.
(chuckles)
(Edgar sniffs)
>> KILLIAN: Hi.
>> JIMMY: Quick. I need that
copy of my house key that I gave
you. Got it?
>> KILLIAN: I thought you needed
me to water your plants next
week.
>> JIMMY: I'll get you another key.
>> KILLIAN: Where's your key?
>> JIMMY: Hurry. Just grab a
box.
Nice. Thanks.
What's that?
>> GRETCHEN: Food processor.
>> JIMMY: Ah.
>> GRETCHEN: You having second
thoughts about me moving in?
>> JIMMY: No, no. Of course not.
You?
>> GRETCHEN: No.
>> JIMMY: Good.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
Gonna leave you anyway
¶ You're gonna walk
Right out that door
You're gonna walk
¶ Right out that door
You're gonna walk
And walk away. ¶