The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 18 - The Incredible Lightness of Being a Baby - full transcript
Cletus becomes a helium gas tycoon; Maggie reunites with baby Hudson.
? ?
(shrieks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(grunts)
- (woozy groaning)
- (whirring)
- (grunting)
- ("We Can Make the World Stop"
by the Glitch Mob playing)
(shouts)
(shouting)
? ?
(propeller whirring)
- Flanders.
- (shouts)
? ?
(tires screech)
(screams)
(screams)
(shatters)
(theme music playing)
? ?
Hmm.
- (chittering)
- (yelps)
Maybe we should find
a new playground.
("La Primavera"
by Vivaldi playing)
Oh. Well, this looks nice.
Har-har.
Shady trees,
bathrooms with doors
and that loopy-loop slide
dumps you out
on soft recycled tires.
Oh, Pirellis.
Oh, look!
It's your friend Hudson.
My son seems
to really like your daughter.
- Courtney.
- Marge.
(chuckles)
Is that ironic or retro?
It's my name.
They're having so much fun.
- Is she free
for a playdate tomorrow?
- Yes.
Has she been in the same room
as a peanut recently?
No.
Can I check off
her vaccinations?
TB? DTaP?
Measles-mumps-rubella?
Yes, yes, yes.
Breast or bottle?
Bottle, but I'm not a monster.
I can bring cookies.
(laughs)
White sugar.
That's hilarious.
I'll have to tell my partner
you said that.
Well, I'm gonna tell my partner
you mocked white sugar.
See you tomorrow.
Pancakes are on the table,
Homie.
And flapjacks will be ready
in a few minutes.
Marge, I'm trying
to lose weight.
Pancakes will be fine.
Are you sure?
I have to face facts.
In some small ways,
I've let myself go.
What's wrong?
Who died?
We're worried you will.
We want you to live longer, Dad.
Never what I want.
(sighs)
Fine.
You know what,
skip the pancakes.
I'll just have...
a grapefruit to go.
(gasping)
I didn't see the moon landing
or the fall of the Berlin Wall,
but I did see my father
take a grapefruit to go.
(triumphant music plays)
(tires screech)
Thanks a lot, pal!
You cost us the pennant!
Yeah, right there!
Ah, yesterday's pizza.
I've been dreaming about you,
my friend.
While I slept,
I said, "Extra large."
But I told my wife I said,
"Sexy Marge."
(laughs)
("The Blue Danube"
by Johann Strauss II playing)
Oh, why didn't I put on
my pizza-eating gloves?
Oh...
("Halloween Theme"
by John Carpenter playing)
(phone rings)
CARL:
Where are you, Homer?
Burns just called
a staff meeting.
The only seats are next to him.
Oh, God, I need a miracle.
Hey, why don't you bring
a balloon to your coworkers?
They're like kites
without the hard work.
How long have you been selling
balloons?
It's an interesting story.
? Well, this is a story
of a poor mountain man ?
? Spoke worse English
than Mr. Jackie Chan ?
? Then one day,
he was tendin' to his still ?
? Heard a hissing sound
and his pants began to fill ?
Helium.
See-through gold.
Symbol, H-E.
? Well, the first thing
you know... ?
(exhales)
He's gone.
My best friend is gone.
BURNS:
I want you to know
that the coworker you thought
was Chip Incognito
was actually me undercover.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Here, have a balloon.
Simpson, Mr. Burns
is a Fortune 500 CEO.
He's not going to...
Quiet, you fool.
(inhales)
Mmm.
(high-pitched voice):
Pure, uncut helium.
Thanks to birthday balloons,
rarer than ever.
Smithers, might I remind you
we pay a fortune
for helium to cool our reactors?
(high-pitched):
Right as always, sir.
That price is sky-high!
Where did you get this?
Oh, the bumpkin I got it from
has tons of it.
But I got to warn you--
he has no idea
of what it's worth.
Excellent.
(chuckles)
How I love a good swindle.
- What do you think?
- (whimpers)
He called on me!
Bah.
As for you, Simpson,
Employee of the Month.
HOMER:
So, Marge,
I killed it
at the staff meeting today.
The key is preparation.
Something amazing
has happened to Maggie.
She's in love.
Aw.
If this gets any cuter,
I'm gonna bust.
Aw! Ooh!
(barking)
Aw...!
(knocking)
BRANDINE:
Cletus, get the dang door!
I can't very well answer the
door with an unloaded shotgun,
can I, woman?
(stilted Southern accent):
Howdy, neighbor.
May I offer you
some Manhattan squirrel chowder?
(sniffing)
You smell like indoor plumbin'.
(normal voice:)
Mm. He's onto us.
No need to pretend
we're inbred hicks.
(grunts)
No offense, goober.
None taken.
(bleats)
All right, Spuckler,
you've got helium, which I want.
I've got what you want,
a tin cup filled with dimes.
- Let's make a deal.
- (jangling)
Now, hold on.
I likes to have a drink
with a feller
beforen I make
a busy-ness deal.
(chuckles)
I have imbibed every intoxicant
from sweet Yale beer
to Flint, Michigan water.
Do your worst.
(gulps, shudders)
Absolutely no effect upon my...
(groaning)
(upbeat cabaret music playing)
Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow
is a little smarter
than we thought.
Nonsense.
Ow!
(whimpers)
Hmm. Perhaps it takes an idiot
to catch an idiot.
Hello!
Could I get a little help?
I dropped my sandwich in here.
You and Mr. Spuckler will enter
into what the hoi polloi
called a "friendship,"
then use that friendship
to destroy his life
from the inside out.
I don't know.
He's got kids.
I can't cheat a family
out of their home.
Mm-hmm.
But you're perfectly fine
cheating me out of their home.
Oh. You're trying to confuse me.
I got to get out.
Where's the trap door?
(whirring)
(hoarsely):
Save me.
You know Weinstein
from Accounting.
(chuckles)
If you're confused,
perhaps these two gentlemen
can clarify things.
This fellow loves
inflicting pain.
And this fellow loves to laugh
while he watches this one
produce the pain.
Are you the pain guy
or the laugh guy?
- (grunts)
- (groans)
(laughing)
Answer the question.
- D'oh!
- (laughing)
Hello?
Maggie Simpson here
for a playdate.
COURTNEY:
Hudson's on a conference call.
- I'll buzz you in.
- (buzzes)
You have a lovely home.
What is this floor made out of?
The tile was a Venetian church
which we dismantled,
shipped over by small boat
and had lovingly installed
by a 99-year-old I.M. Pei.
That sounds pricey.
No, the toilet is pricey.
The plumbers we hired to replace
it are very inefficient.
(Donkey Kong Country theme
playing)
? ?
Let's go, you little runts.
What? Are your diapers full?
Would you like some coffee as
you fill out a sexual history?
Sexual history?
So our babies can be friends?
Here's mine.
(mechanical barking)
All right.
Cream, no sugar.
So unusual to see a baby
with a pacifier these days.
Your baby has
such interesting hair.
You don't mind
that I babyproofed your baby
- from my baby, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Very much.
Maggie, let's go. Now.
And we're not coming back.
(melancholy music plays)
(pickax tapping)
(Southern accent):
Whatcha doing there, friend?
Good to see you again.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
Nothing like a good "a-yup"
- to put a man at ease.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-nope.
I mean, a-yup.
Say, friend,
looks like
you're working awful hard
to suck the helium
into them thar Mylar balloons.
Oh, it's powerful tiresome.
But the Lord done put helium
under my feet,
and I must not spill it
into the sky.
BURNS:
Now, listen.
Explain that you have a way
to make his life easier.
Pretend it's your idea.
He's stupid enough
to believe you have an idea.
Say, "What if I told you
there was a way
to harvest that noble gas?"
"What if I told you there was
a way to harvest that noble gas
without the strain
on your mouth puffer."
I'd say, "Aw, pshaw,"
but then I'd follow it
with a "Go on."
- BURNS: Excellent.
- "Excellent."
BURNS:
No, don't say excellent.
"No, don't say excellent."
BURNS:
No, don't say that, either.
"No, don't say that, either."
- BURNS: Just shut up.
- "Just shut up."
I'll have to mull your proposal,
especially that last crazy part.
(exhales) You just saved me
a passel of work.
Now I can spend more time
making more family.
Homer J. Simpson.
Cletus Delroy Montfort
Bigglesworth Spuckler.
Now, let's go yonder
and get ourselves
a mess of catfish.
All right, I'm gonna get my arm
so deep into that catfish hole,
that ole chucklehead
just bites my bone.
Easy-peasy.
(screams)
Now, don't scare him.
It sours up the flavor.
(screaming)
(whimpers)
It's licking my eye.
- (grunting)
- (screaming)
- Is it dead?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
All right, nothing like
a good ole
Spuckler family fish fry.
Dear Lord,
thank you for bringing
this hairless swamp beast
our way.
- Aw.
- His wisdom regarding
your mystery balloon gas
has helped us Spucklers
become a two-radio family.
Homer,
I want to be your partner.
Seal the deal
with a hillbilly handshake.
Come on.
I consider you family now,
which is not really
that select a circle.
(upbeat cabaret music playing)
BURNS:
Excellent.
(gasps)
Where'd that come from?
Well done, Simpson.
We'll take him for everything
except the couch on his lawn.
Well, but we're family.
- Couldn't you
just screw him half over?
- (scoffs)
No one screws anyone half over.
It's like having
half a billion dollars.
What's the point of that?
What's up?
I think we're both upset,
but I'm worried
you're gonna talk first.
No, you go ahead.
(sighs)
I'm supposed to screw over a guy
that's only been nice to me.
I'm denying Maggie happiness
- because I can't stand
the mother of her friend.
- Aw.
Maggie'll be fine.
I just played with her.
(chuckles) She still thinks
I've got her nose.
Wait, where'd I put it?
Not here.
No. No.
Oh, look what you found.
I have something
I need to tell you.
(groans)
Hudson had a birthday party,
but I didn't tell you,
so you missed it.
I can explain.
That other mom
was just so annoying
with her aerial silks
and those yoga pants.
She does Pilates, not yoga.
She made me feel bad
about myself.
You get it, right? Right?
? ?
Get this contract signed,
Simpson.
- Or what?
- Hmm.
Perhaps you need a little taste
of what's in store.
- (grunts)
- Ow!
(laughs)
Sorry, Smithers.
We didn't want to leave a mark
that Cletus could see.
But you could've
warned me first.
Fair enough. Watch your back.
- (grunts)
- (laughs)
Well, if it ain't
my bestest friend
on God's flat Earth.
- Oh.
- So, what's in your hand?
Some sort
of a friendship certificate?
Uh, you know, just something
to put our partnership
on the up-and-up.
Hey, what's more up-and-up
than the helium business?
(laughs)
- Ain't you gonna read it?
- I trust you,
like a sheep
trusts a friendly wolf.
(squawks)
I signs with an "X"
'cause that's the kind
of iPhone I got.
And now for the second slash
that makes it official.
Oh, I need a straightedge.
Straight-Edge!
Get over here, boy!
Yes, Daddy.
I can't do it.
- You done floated my mark-maker.
- I won't
let you sign it. It's all
a trick to steal your helium.
You was gonna steal
from a man what has 29 kids?
BRANDINE:
30. (gasps) 31!
Yeah, but I told you
before it was too late.
Okay, we're still buddies.
Getting mad
at city folk for lying
is like getting mad
at your six-year-old
for not cleaning her gun.
(chuckles)
- Put her there.
- Uh, that's your left hand.
They's both left hands.
Simpson, you fool.
I hope you kissed your wife well
this morning,
because it will be the last one.
Well, it was a medium.
Part of it hit her ear.
Hey, you harm my friend,
you ain't getting balloon one
of my helium.
And I mean ever.
Quite the dilemma.
Smithers, solve this
if you don't want another kick.
Cletus, about your helium.
What if we paid you
a fair price?
County fair or state fair?
I can't lose
to someone so stupid.
Goons, get him.
We'll pay you what's right.
We have a deal. Have your people
call my basset hound.
Well, this'll help you forget
your billionaire troubles.
Have a toke on this, friend.
(high-pitched):
Help me! Help me!
You'll rue the day.
Smithers, power lines!
- (screams)
- (goon laughing)
Oh, Maggie.
You're too young to be miserable
the rest of your life.
In this rom-com,
I am not going to be
the mean mother.
Let's go.
(tires screech)
(sighs) You know,
the one thing we have in common
is we're willing to pretend
that we like each other
for our children.
To that, I say, "Kiss-kiss."
("Wedding March" playing)
("You're My Best Friend"
by Queen playing)
? Ooh, we're sharing
some grits ?
? Yours has butter,
mine has possum gravy ?
? We're pals,
so I eat your weird food ?
? Woo-hoo-hoo ?
? Ooh, you're making me fat now,
Homer ?
? I don't have long to live ?
? Ooh, you're the best friend ?
? That I ever had ?
? You're the one
who keeps my balloons flyin' ?
? You're my moonshine,
and I want you to know ?
? That I'm not sniffing glue ?
? I really love you ?
? Oh, you're my best friend ?
? Ooh, you gave me your tooth ?
? I love that you're whittlin'
a stool for me ?
? I need two,
one for each cheek ?
? Two, you'll have 'em
next week, now, Homer ?
? Cool, let's pee in the creek ?
? Ooh, you're a mountain man ?
? Who lives off the grid ?
? You chased off Burns
with a shotgun ?
? That was such fun ?
? And I love to drink ?
? The methanol ?
? From your still ?
? Ooh, you're my best friend ?
CLETUS: ? Ooh,
you're my best friend ?
HOMER: ? Ooh, I might not live ?
BOTH: ? Ooh, you're my best friend. ?
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
Shh!
(shrieks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(grunts)
- (woozy groaning)
- (whirring)
- (grunting)
- ("We Can Make the World Stop"
by the Glitch Mob playing)
(shouts)
(shouting)
? ?
(propeller whirring)
- Flanders.
- (shouts)
? ?
(tires screech)
(screams)
(screams)
(shatters)
(theme music playing)
? ?
Hmm.
- (chittering)
- (yelps)
Maybe we should find
a new playground.
("La Primavera"
by Vivaldi playing)
Oh. Well, this looks nice.
Har-har.
Shady trees,
bathrooms with doors
and that loopy-loop slide
dumps you out
on soft recycled tires.
Oh, Pirellis.
Oh, look!
It's your friend Hudson.
My son seems
to really like your daughter.
- Courtney.
- Marge.
(chuckles)
Is that ironic or retro?
It's my name.
They're having so much fun.
- Is she free
for a playdate tomorrow?
- Yes.
Has she been in the same room
as a peanut recently?
No.
Can I check off
her vaccinations?
TB? DTaP?
Measles-mumps-rubella?
Yes, yes, yes.
Breast or bottle?
Bottle, but I'm not a monster.
I can bring cookies.
(laughs)
White sugar.
That's hilarious.
I'll have to tell my partner
you said that.
Well, I'm gonna tell my partner
you mocked white sugar.
See you tomorrow.
Pancakes are on the table,
Homie.
And flapjacks will be ready
in a few minutes.
Marge, I'm trying
to lose weight.
Pancakes will be fine.
Are you sure?
I have to face facts.
In some small ways,
I've let myself go.
What's wrong?
Who died?
We're worried you will.
We want you to live longer, Dad.
Never what I want.
(sighs)
Fine.
You know what,
skip the pancakes.
I'll just have...
a grapefruit to go.
(gasping)
I didn't see the moon landing
or the fall of the Berlin Wall,
but I did see my father
take a grapefruit to go.
(triumphant music plays)
(tires screech)
Thanks a lot, pal!
You cost us the pennant!
Yeah, right there!
Ah, yesterday's pizza.
I've been dreaming about you,
my friend.
While I slept,
I said, "Extra large."
But I told my wife I said,
"Sexy Marge."
(laughs)
("The Blue Danube"
by Johann Strauss II playing)
Oh, why didn't I put on
my pizza-eating gloves?
Oh...
("Halloween Theme"
by John Carpenter playing)
(phone rings)
CARL:
Where are you, Homer?
Burns just called
a staff meeting.
The only seats are next to him.
Oh, God, I need a miracle.
Hey, why don't you bring
a balloon to your coworkers?
They're like kites
without the hard work.
How long have you been selling
balloons?
It's an interesting story.
? Well, this is a story
of a poor mountain man ?
? Spoke worse English
than Mr. Jackie Chan ?
? Then one day,
he was tendin' to his still ?
? Heard a hissing sound
and his pants began to fill ?
Helium.
See-through gold.
Symbol, H-E.
? Well, the first thing
you know... ?
(exhales)
He's gone.
My best friend is gone.
BURNS:
I want you to know
that the coworker you thought
was Chip Incognito
was actually me undercover.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Here, have a balloon.
Simpson, Mr. Burns
is a Fortune 500 CEO.
He's not going to...
Quiet, you fool.
(inhales)
Mmm.
(high-pitched voice):
Pure, uncut helium.
Thanks to birthday balloons,
rarer than ever.
Smithers, might I remind you
we pay a fortune
for helium to cool our reactors?
(high-pitched):
Right as always, sir.
That price is sky-high!
Where did you get this?
Oh, the bumpkin I got it from
has tons of it.
But I got to warn you--
he has no idea
of what it's worth.
Excellent.
(chuckles)
How I love a good swindle.
- What do you think?
- (whimpers)
He called on me!
Bah.
As for you, Simpson,
Employee of the Month.
HOMER:
So, Marge,
I killed it
at the staff meeting today.
The key is preparation.
Something amazing
has happened to Maggie.
She's in love.
Aw.
If this gets any cuter,
I'm gonna bust.
Aw! Ooh!
(barking)
Aw...!
(knocking)
BRANDINE:
Cletus, get the dang door!
I can't very well answer the
door with an unloaded shotgun,
can I, woman?
(stilted Southern accent):
Howdy, neighbor.
May I offer you
some Manhattan squirrel chowder?
(sniffing)
You smell like indoor plumbin'.
(normal voice:)
Mm. He's onto us.
No need to pretend
we're inbred hicks.
(grunts)
No offense, goober.
None taken.
(bleats)
All right, Spuckler,
you've got helium, which I want.
I've got what you want,
a tin cup filled with dimes.
- Let's make a deal.
- (jangling)
Now, hold on.
I likes to have a drink
with a feller
beforen I make
a busy-ness deal.
(chuckles)
I have imbibed every intoxicant
from sweet Yale beer
to Flint, Michigan water.
Do your worst.
(gulps, shudders)
Absolutely no effect upon my...
(groaning)
(upbeat cabaret music playing)
Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow
is a little smarter
than we thought.
Nonsense.
Ow!
(whimpers)
Hmm. Perhaps it takes an idiot
to catch an idiot.
Hello!
Could I get a little help?
I dropped my sandwich in here.
You and Mr. Spuckler will enter
into what the hoi polloi
called a "friendship,"
then use that friendship
to destroy his life
from the inside out.
I don't know.
He's got kids.
I can't cheat a family
out of their home.
Mm-hmm.
But you're perfectly fine
cheating me out of their home.
Oh. You're trying to confuse me.
I got to get out.
Where's the trap door?
(whirring)
(hoarsely):
Save me.
You know Weinstein
from Accounting.
(chuckles)
If you're confused,
perhaps these two gentlemen
can clarify things.
This fellow loves
inflicting pain.
And this fellow loves to laugh
while he watches this one
produce the pain.
Are you the pain guy
or the laugh guy?
- (grunts)
- (groans)
(laughing)
Answer the question.
- D'oh!
- (laughing)
Hello?
Maggie Simpson here
for a playdate.
COURTNEY:
Hudson's on a conference call.
- I'll buzz you in.
- (buzzes)
You have a lovely home.
What is this floor made out of?
The tile was a Venetian church
which we dismantled,
shipped over by small boat
and had lovingly installed
by a 99-year-old I.M. Pei.
That sounds pricey.
No, the toilet is pricey.
The plumbers we hired to replace
it are very inefficient.
(Donkey Kong Country theme
playing)
? ?
Let's go, you little runts.
What? Are your diapers full?
Would you like some coffee as
you fill out a sexual history?
Sexual history?
So our babies can be friends?
Here's mine.
(mechanical barking)
All right.
Cream, no sugar.
So unusual to see a baby
with a pacifier these days.
Your baby has
such interesting hair.
You don't mind
that I babyproofed your baby
- from my baby, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Very much.
Maggie, let's go. Now.
And we're not coming back.
(melancholy music plays)
(pickax tapping)
(Southern accent):
Whatcha doing there, friend?
Good to see you again.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
Nothing like a good "a-yup"
- to put a man at ease.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-nope.
I mean, a-yup.
Say, friend,
looks like
you're working awful hard
to suck the helium
into them thar Mylar balloons.
Oh, it's powerful tiresome.
But the Lord done put helium
under my feet,
and I must not spill it
into the sky.
BURNS:
Now, listen.
Explain that you have a way
to make his life easier.
Pretend it's your idea.
He's stupid enough
to believe you have an idea.
Say, "What if I told you
there was a way
to harvest that noble gas?"
"What if I told you there was
a way to harvest that noble gas
without the strain
on your mouth puffer."
I'd say, "Aw, pshaw,"
but then I'd follow it
with a "Go on."
- BURNS: Excellent.
- "Excellent."
BURNS:
No, don't say excellent.
"No, don't say excellent."
BURNS:
No, don't say that, either.
"No, don't say that, either."
- BURNS: Just shut up.
- "Just shut up."
I'll have to mull your proposal,
especially that last crazy part.
(exhales) You just saved me
a passel of work.
Now I can spend more time
making more family.
Homer J. Simpson.
Cletus Delroy Montfort
Bigglesworth Spuckler.
Now, let's go yonder
and get ourselves
a mess of catfish.
All right, I'm gonna get my arm
so deep into that catfish hole,
that ole chucklehead
just bites my bone.
Easy-peasy.
(screams)
Now, don't scare him.
It sours up the flavor.
(screaming)
(whimpers)
It's licking my eye.
- (grunting)
- (screaming)
- Is it dead?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
All right, nothing like
a good ole
Spuckler family fish fry.
Dear Lord,
thank you for bringing
this hairless swamp beast
our way.
- Aw.
- His wisdom regarding
your mystery balloon gas
has helped us Spucklers
become a two-radio family.
Homer,
I want to be your partner.
Seal the deal
with a hillbilly handshake.
Come on.
I consider you family now,
which is not really
that select a circle.
(upbeat cabaret music playing)
BURNS:
Excellent.
(gasps)
Where'd that come from?
Well done, Simpson.
We'll take him for everything
except the couch on his lawn.
Well, but we're family.
- Couldn't you
just screw him half over?
- (scoffs)
No one screws anyone half over.
It's like having
half a billion dollars.
What's the point of that?
What's up?
I think we're both upset,
but I'm worried
you're gonna talk first.
No, you go ahead.
(sighs)
I'm supposed to screw over a guy
that's only been nice to me.
I'm denying Maggie happiness
- because I can't stand
the mother of her friend.
- Aw.
Maggie'll be fine.
I just played with her.
(chuckles) She still thinks
I've got her nose.
Wait, where'd I put it?
Not here.
No. No.
Oh, look what you found.
I have something
I need to tell you.
(groans)
Hudson had a birthday party,
but I didn't tell you,
so you missed it.
I can explain.
That other mom
was just so annoying
with her aerial silks
and those yoga pants.
She does Pilates, not yoga.
She made me feel bad
about myself.
You get it, right? Right?
? ?
Get this contract signed,
Simpson.
- Or what?
- Hmm.
Perhaps you need a little taste
of what's in store.
- (grunts)
- Ow!
(laughs)
Sorry, Smithers.
We didn't want to leave a mark
that Cletus could see.
But you could've
warned me first.
Fair enough. Watch your back.
- (grunts)
- (laughs)
Well, if it ain't
my bestest friend
on God's flat Earth.
- Oh.
- So, what's in your hand?
Some sort
of a friendship certificate?
Uh, you know, just something
to put our partnership
on the up-and-up.
Hey, what's more up-and-up
than the helium business?
(laughs)
- Ain't you gonna read it?
- I trust you,
like a sheep
trusts a friendly wolf.
(squawks)
I signs with an "X"
'cause that's the kind
of iPhone I got.
And now for the second slash
that makes it official.
Oh, I need a straightedge.
Straight-Edge!
Get over here, boy!
Yes, Daddy.
I can't do it.
- You done floated my mark-maker.
- I won't
let you sign it. It's all
a trick to steal your helium.
You was gonna steal
from a man what has 29 kids?
BRANDINE:
30. (gasps) 31!
Yeah, but I told you
before it was too late.
Okay, we're still buddies.
Getting mad
at city folk for lying
is like getting mad
at your six-year-old
for not cleaning her gun.
(chuckles)
- Put her there.
- Uh, that's your left hand.
They's both left hands.
Simpson, you fool.
I hope you kissed your wife well
this morning,
because it will be the last one.
Well, it was a medium.
Part of it hit her ear.
Hey, you harm my friend,
you ain't getting balloon one
of my helium.
And I mean ever.
Quite the dilemma.
Smithers, solve this
if you don't want another kick.
Cletus, about your helium.
What if we paid you
a fair price?
County fair or state fair?
I can't lose
to someone so stupid.
Goons, get him.
We'll pay you what's right.
We have a deal. Have your people
call my basset hound.
Well, this'll help you forget
your billionaire troubles.
Have a toke on this, friend.
(high-pitched):
Help me! Help me!
You'll rue the day.
Smithers, power lines!
- (screams)
- (goon laughing)
Oh, Maggie.
You're too young to be miserable
the rest of your life.
In this rom-com,
I am not going to be
the mean mother.
Let's go.
(tires screech)
(sighs) You know,
the one thing we have in common
is we're willing to pretend
that we like each other
for our children.
To that, I say, "Kiss-kiss."
("Wedding March" playing)
("You're My Best Friend"
by Queen playing)
? Ooh, we're sharing
some grits ?
? Yours has butter,
mine has possum gravy ?
? We're pals,
so I eat your weird food ?
? Woo-hoo-hoo ?
? Ooh, you're making me fat now,
Homer ?
? I don't have long to live ?
? Ooh, you're the best friend ?
? That I ever had ?
? You're the one
who keeps my balloons flyin' ?
? You're my moonshine,
and I want you to know ?
? That I'm not sniffing glue ?
? I really love you ?
? Oh, you're my best friend ?
? Ooh, you gave me your tooth ?
? I love that you're whittlin'
a stool for me ?
? I need two,
one for each cheek ?
? Two, you'll have 'em
next week, now, Homer ?
? Cool, let's pee in the creek ?
? Ooh, you're a mountain man ?
? Who lives off the grid ?
? You chased off Burns
with a shotgun ?
? That was such fun ?
? And I love to drink ?
? The methanol ?
? From your still ?
? Ooh, you're my best friend ?
CLETUS: ? Ooh,
you're my best friend ?
HOMER: ? Ooh, I might not live ?
BOTH: ? Ooh, you're my best friend. ?
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
Shh!