The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 17 - Bart the Bad Guy - full transcript

Bart uses spoilers for a superhero movie he saw to get what he wants, but two movie executives will stop at nothing to keep his knowledge secret.

(epic action music playing)

Now that I, Chinnos,
finally wield the Doomsday App,

I can restart this planet
in flames,

as a utopia.

I don't know, Chinnos.
You say "utopia,"

but what I'm hearing is
"kill everyone."

And I really don't want to find
a new dry cleaner.

Your funny-but-not-too-funny
banter

will not save you,
Magnesium Man.

Yeah, but it did distract you,
didn't it, Dad Bod?

Take him, Airshot!



(weapon clicking)

Yes, Airshot, pump that air gun!

Five pumps?
Think of the pressure.

Aw, what's the matter?
Bad head day?

It's time I took the Vindicators
out of the equation.

I'll take that dance now.

(audience crying)

Their first kiss was their last.

(audience crying)

Huh? (stammering)

(snoring)

Wow. It was called Crystal War

because they were all
turned to crystals.

Hey, now is not the time
for your cold-hearted analysis.



The sequel isn't coming out
for a year.

What loving God would make us
wait that long?

A year?
That's, like, a million years.

I cannot wait.
Don't you leave me,

you be-cape-ed gob-smashers!

(grunts)

Children, I pulled you
out of your classes today

to warn you of a dangerous
new Internet trend.

The paprika challenge?

(muffled):
The eight ball challenge?

No, the highly-imitatable stunt
I'm referring to

is the "flag yourself"
challenge.

(excited chatter)

Instead of a merely
verbal warning,

it's clear to me
a more effective deterrent

would be to show you
a video of the stunt

performed by YouTube star
Reaction Guy.

Whoa, Reaction Guy?

Everybody who's anybody
gets reacted to by him.

Watch and learn...
to not do this.

What up, Reaction Faction?
It's your boy, Reaction Guy.

Today I'm gonna be reacting
to the Flag Yourself Challenge.

Shout-out to my crew, Hedgehog,
Thin Mint, and White Malik.

They're gonna raise me
like a flag.

(students exclaiming)

(excited chatter)

Whoa-ho!
Whoa, this is so clench!

-(overlapping chatter)
-Wow, cool!

Ooh, ooh!

Hey, guys, this is Bart Simpsn

from my new channel,
Reaction Bart.

Big shout-out to my boy White
Seymour for putting me onto

the Flag Yourself Challenge.
So clench!

Okay, hit it. Check it out.

I'm waving at my haters
and they don't even know it.

Clench! Clench! Whoa-ho-ho!

Buy my merch.

Merch to come. Merch!

Whoa.

Whoa. His obliques
must be shredded.

I got to check them out
next time we go swimming.

Whoa! (grunting)

Oh, ooh, ow, ooh.

Milhouse, no!

I need your passcode
to upload the video.

Yo, Milhouse, I got you
a balloon form the gift shop.

Oh.

So what'd the doctors say?

(groans) I have
a full-body sprain.

Most of my muscles are wrapped
around the wrong bones.

Okay, champ,
physical therapy time.

Who's ready for four hours
of stretch bands?

No, not the purple.

(whimpering)

Glucose? (chuckles)

Don't mind if I do-cose.
(slurping)

Okay, mate, you can do this.

It's hard, but those little
buggers are counting on you.

Do it for the buggers.

(gulping)

Ugh. (shudders)

(gulping)

-Top of the bing-bong, ladies.
-(gasps)

-You're Glen Tangier.
-You're Airshot.

Good on you, Nightingales.

Now, who can point me
towards, uh,

"Milhouse Van Houten"?

Ooh, right down the hall
and to the left, Glen.

Wow. Flirt much, Debby?

Sorry, we can't all
be married to

Ogdenville's car detailing king
Duke Druthers.

What's up, little bro?

How's my favorite
real-life superhero?

Holy crap, you're Glen Tangier.

Uh-uh-uh, never heard of him.

The name's Airshot.

(blows)

You're my favorite Vindicator.

You don't even have any powers,
you're just super good at air.

Uh, easy now. Don't get
too excited, Milhouse.

Oh, I'm not...

I am Milhouse.

(whimpering)

That's right. (chuckling)
Calm down, hero.

Don't make whatever
you have worse.

Is it something that gets worse?
Please don't say it gets worse.

Oh, don't worry, Airshot,
I'm okay.

Well, aren't you just Pimm
to the brim with Adelaide spunk?

(gulping)

Oh, thank boomerang Jesus

you're not one of those
brave little buggers

that I have to show this to.

Wait, what do you got in there?

Oh, it's a laptop
with the sequel

to the Vindicators:
Crystal garbage.

(gulping) All that matters is
you're gonna be okay, mate.

(yawns) Never wanted
to be an actor anyway,

just a simple koala butcher
like me old man.

(snoring)

Yo, Airshot. Glen.

(snoring continues)

Hello.

(laptop beeps)

Sweet boomerang Jeebus.

(epic action music playing)

What an ending.

People are gonna freak out
when they see it...

in a month from now.

Till then, I'm the only one
that knows what happens.

Only I know.

I'm the most powerful kid
in the world.

-(thunder crashes)
-(snoring)

Toss that Kanga shank
into the billy-boil.

It'll be tender by moon jump.

Yo, Fat Thor, I've seen
Vindicators: Crystal War 2.

-You blaspheme!
-My buddy Airshot
showed it to me.

Ha. I repeat, ha.

As if Glen Tangier,
the Tasmanian Adonis,

would deign to interact with
someone of your insignificance.

Whoa!

You are defeated, Vindicator.

Not as long as
I'm still breathing. (blows)

Sweet batarang Jesus.
Tell me more.

Uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp.
The first taste was free,

the next is gonna cost you.

I've had my eye on that
Dr. 3 A.M. graphic novel.

Okay, strap yourself in.
The way it goes down is...

But pause.
The knowledge you offer

would spoil the movie event
of the year. Nay, century.

Nay, epoch. Nay, summer.

Tell me nothing.

Ah,
but my curiosity consumes me.

All right, here's the deal,
the movie starts on the logo...

Silence! Speak!

Speak not. Expound!

I pass the test.
I will diminish

and remain Comic Book Guy.

Mmm. Ooh, shrimp.

Hey. What would you give me
not to find out what happens?

(slurps)

Be gone, Spoiler Boy.

Hm, Spoiler Boy.

(laughs)
I like that.

? ?

(gasps) That's the kid who saw

Vindicators: Crystal War 2:
Resurgence.

Do what he says
or he'll spoil the ending.

I must protect my virgin ears.

-(toilet flushing)
-(gurgling)

I think you can do better
than that.

Four chicken lumpettes
per person.

Even if that person knows
which Vindicator

loses a third of their powers
fighting Karate Scorpion?

Zip it. My boyfriend's taking me
to see that movie

when it gets to
the two-dollar theater.

? ?

Simpson, you're getting
one day of detention

for every extra
lumpette you eat.

Mmm.

Detention, is it?

I guess we'll have
plenty of time to discuss

the fate of your favorite
Vindicator, Black Voodoo.

(gasps) The champion
of the French Quarter.

You wouldn't dare spoil
the only thing

that brings me joy
in this world.

Give me your toupee.

(laughs) Toupee?

I don't wear a toupee.

We fade in on Bourbon Street...

(gasps softly)

(singing nonsense)

Ooh! (stammers, laughs)

Principal Skinner. T-To what
do we owe the honor, sir, at--

Oh, it's just you.

Hey, how'd you get
all this stuff?

'Cause people do whatever I say

or I spoil the Vindicators movie
for them.

Like so:

tell Mom it's okay for me
to have soda on my cereal.

I don't know.
Mom's not gonna go for that.

Okay. Get ready to hear
the surprise ending.

Let me guess.
The good guys win.

(gasps) Who told you?

You can't spoil
that movie for me,

because I don't care
what happens.

You see, as a grown-up,

I know that muscle jerks
in tights with magic powers

punching and hugging each other
is boring BS for babies.

So go ahead,
tell me what Captain Doodad does

to Zippity Whoever.

Because it means nothing.

(gasps)
My powers don't work on you.

But what if I could make them
work for you?

Hmm. Your sinister tone
intrigues me.

All-you-can-drink beers on me!

OTHERS:
Yeah!

But paid for by Moe.

All right, I'm not even gonna
dignify that with a "Whaaa?"

(zips)

Do the thing, boy.

No, no, don't ruin it, kid!

I'm taking my girlfriend
to that movie

when it gets
to the two-dollar theater.

-(Bart chuckling)
-(zips)

(Homer groaning)

What time did you get home
last night?

Ugh, it's not my fault.

Bart used his superpower

to get me drunker
than I've ever beer.

(groans) I'm worried that
all this blackmail

is turning Bart
into a bad person.

(groans)

(zips)

(yawns)

What's the story,
morning glories?

Young man, I don't like the way
you're using those spoilies

to boss people around.

What?

I was given an amazing power,

so I'm using it.

If you were in my suitcase,
you would do the same thing.

Fans have a deep connection to
the Marble Cinematic Universe.

I would never exploit that,
not for anything.

Oh... wouldn't you?

("True" by Spandau Ballet
playing)

? ?

(American accent): Lisa Simpson,
I think your superpower

must be stealing hearts.

OTHERS:
Aw...

How do you feel
about exploitation now?

(giggling): It's okay.

(regular accent): How much
longer do I have to keep up

this kookaburra charade?

How badly do you not want
your bosses at Marble Studios

to know that I used your drunken
thumb to see that movie?

You think I'm your jolly
swagman, do you?

Well, my jumbuck's gonna be free

from your tucker bag
next Thursday,

when that movie goes wide
on every screen in creation.

And after that, you're nothing.

Let's get this party finished!

(dance music playing)

He's right.

I'm running out of time.

This is... endgame!

And so, today, we celebrate
the 200th birthday

of our beloved oak tree,
Old Susie.

Her stately branches
have shaded our town's weddings,

family reunions,
and quincen-- quincien--

uh, Mexican bar mitzvahs.

We're, uh, ow!

(chuckling)

Cover you ears!
It's Spoiler Boy!

That's right. It's me.

And if you don't want
the movie spoiled,

you'll all pull together
and build me

the ultimate tree house
of my own design.

Right here in Old Susie.

(all gasp)

Not in Old Susie!

Everyone in this town
loves that tree!

We have no choice.

He's got us all
by the short and curlies.

Unless the boy should meet
with an unfortunate accident.

Oh. And if anything suspicious
should happen to me,

I've hired the loudest man
in town to yell the ending

on every street corner.

I'm on it!

You have 24 hours
to build my tree house.

The clock is ticking.

(laughs evilly)

(gasps)

(humming)

Hey, buddy.

You're out of the hospital.

Don't you "Hey, buddy" me.

You stole my visit
from Airshot.

You-- you villain!

Me, a villain?
No way.

You just blackmailed
the whole town

to build you a lair.

Okay. I will grant you
the optics on the lair

are less than ideal.

You have actual powers
which you use for evil.

You're a supervillain!

You dare call me a supervillain?

Then get a load of this:

the biggest spoiler
in the whole movie!

BOTH:
Magnesium Man!

Don't say another word!

The fate of our universe
depends on it.

(Bart screams)

(Bart groans)

(yelps)

Where the hell am I?

Relax there, Spoiler Boy.

All we did was take you
from your dimension into ours.

You know, the Marble universe?

What you consider to be movies
make up our reality.

No way. Superheroes aren't real.

How dumb do you think I am?

(gasps)
Actual superpowers!

Everything you see
in your Vindicator movies

actually happens to us.

Even the post-credit sequences?

-Mm.
-We brought you here

to see the result
of your selfish actions.

Whoa! Airshot! Dead?

But in the movie he lives.

Wh-what happened?

You happened!

You son of a swamp witch!

You showed your Comic Book Guy
a spoiler

of Airshot using his breath
to save himself.

The powers of evil
in our dimension

saw this and, so warned,
taped Airshot's mouth shut.

And killed him.

(whimpers)
I didn't know!

I never dreamed that spoilers
really hurt people.

But they do.
Spoilers kill!

I love you, Airshot! (sobbing)

The virtual reality's working.

The kid has no idea
that this has all been fake.

I can't believe he didn't notice

that the dimensional portal
in his backyard

was just a garbage bag
full of glow sticks.

Tell me we're doing
the right thing.

Tell me this is
Bart's best chance

to choose to be a good person.

Don't worry, Marge.

No one's ever been hurt
by a little gaslighting.

Remember how
you always say that?

Remember?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, don't think of it
as gaslighting.

Think of it as
an ultra-enhanced,

immersive fan experience.

All this, just to keep
spoilers from leaking.

Vindicators, colon,
Crystal War, colon, Resurgence

bombing at the box office

would have devastating
consequences.

Failing theme parks,
unsold Halloween costumes

rotting on the docks,

mass suicides
by popcorn farmers;

anything worse than a 55% hold

on its second weekend,

the global economy
collapses like a house of cards.

Is that what you want,
little girl? Is it?

(quietly):
No. No.

Bart clearly feels bad.

Can't we let him out now?

No. We have to be
absolutely sure.

Increasing simulation intensity.

Bring me the boy.

(warriors snarling)

Ahh!

Remember, kid, no spoilers!

Our universe depends on it!

And don't pirate movies.
That hurts everyone.

So, the boy who's seen
how all this ends.

Tell me what you know,

so I can use it
to destroy the Vindicators.

In return, I will grant
your deepest desire:

actual superpowers.

BART:
Muscles...

claws...

bike!

Real powers.

That's even better
than spoiler powers.

(chuckling)

Oh, no. Our son is going
to choose evil.

Oh, no! Our son is so stupid
he's going to fall for this!

It doesn't matter
that's it not real.

Bart's soul is at stake.

Great emotion.
Talk about upping the ante.

Tell me the spoilers, child.

And embrace your destiny
as a villain.

Hmm.

Airshot.

All right.

I'll tell you
what you have to do to win.

-No!
-Uh-uh, kid.

Eat my shorts.

(grunts)

No. No.

-No...!
-(screams)

Our son's a good guy!
A good guy.

But he's still stupid.
So stupid...

The kid turned down
actual superpowers.

I think he'll
keep his mouth shut.

Okay. We'll let him live.

-(humming triumphantly)
-For now.

(groans)

Uh-- I'm back.

I just hope it's not too late.

What day is it?

Why, it's the Wednesday
before Memorial Day, it is.

Then there's still time.

The movie hasn't been spoiled.

Don't worry, son.

Your secret I forgot
is safe with me.

I saved their universe.
I'm not a villain.

I'm a superhero.

-When can we tell him?
-Never.

All right.
No one's gonna talk.

The movie's safe.

We'll let them live.
For now.

(minor key "When You Wish
Upon a Star" plays)

I'm not a bad guy.
I'm a good guy.

I'll never spoil anything again.

I'm a changed boy.
A changed boy.

I always knew you had
the stuff of heroes.

Just tell me, does Moby Man
take his place

as the rightful sovereign
of Fishtonia?

Does he? Bart!
Tell me!

Stop your labors, good folk.

Magnesium Man bless us,
every one.

NARRATOR:
And Bart was as good
as his word.

He kept his mouth shut.

So when everyone finally
saw the movie on opening day,

they were filled with joy.

Then immediately
got on their phones

and spoiled it
for everyone else.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!