The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 19 - Warrin' Priests - full transcript

They want me back?

(shrieks)

(school bell rings)

(burps)

(tires screech)

D'oh!

(grunts)

(shuddering)

No one's here today.

Even the choir's late.

? Michael,
take the carpool lane ?



? Hallelujah ?

? They just crossed
the double line ?

? Traffic school them. ?

- (siren wailing)
- Yeah.

Mom, with all the room,

do we have to sit
so close to the geezers?

- It's too hot.
- It's too cold.

I'm not even alive.

What time
does Joan Rivers come on?

She doesn't.

This is a church,
and it's not your church.

New Testament?

Oy-yoi-yoi,
when did this happen?

Alexa,
play Tranquil Organ Radio.



(organ music playing)

Peace be with you.

ALL:
And also with you.

Oh, you can do better than that.

ALL:
We can, but we don't want to.

I can't hear you.

ALL:
You clearly can.

Lord,
either make this interesting

or just rapture me now.

("Spirit in the Sky"
by Norman Greenbaum playing)

Salt the ham water, boys.

Clancy Wiggum
is meeting his quota.

Hey! That's illegal.

Oh, sorry. You know what?

Here. Have a quarter, Chief.

You think you can bribe me
with a...? Oh, my God!

Those are the gentlest eyes
I've ever seen.

Linen shirt. Natural highlights.

You want to hold my gun?

Y-You can.
(chuckles)

Thanks. I was hoping
maybe you could point me

- to the church in town.
- Church?

Yeah, straight down this street.
First steeple you see.

That is not it. That's
the Eiffel Tower strip club.

They have
a French onion soup that is,

uh, well, it's just okay.

And I guess

that's about all.

(overlapping shouting)

You shall bore me no more!
(grunts)

You're going the wrong way!

No, I-I want to go this way.
I love God.

If you love him so much,
why don't you marry him?

Penny. Button.

IOU for one penny.

Hi. Bode Wright.

Recovery meetings
are downstairs.

Booze to the right,
huffers to the left.

Sorry, I'm here about the ad.
On Christslist?

About you guys needing
a-a youth pastor?

I didn't place any ad.

I placed the ad.

(Lovejoy groans)

- I'm Bode.
- Bode. Nice cross.

Tim's are chewed to nubs.

I-I chew my crosses.
Nervous habit.

Do you have
any experience, Bode?

I used to work in Michigan.

Had to use bottled holy water.
(chuckles)

Uh-huh. Education?

I, uh, have a master's
in divinity

with a focus
on biblical languages.

- Greek, Hebrew...
- You're hired.

Up-bup-bup-bup-bup!
It doesn't work that fast.

We have I-9s and W-2s,
collar fittings.

And, besides,
I'm the one in charge.

In the end,
isn't God in charge here?

Do you see Jimmy Buffett
at every Jimmy Buffett caf??

I don't think so.

Hey, can I have this?
Marge could use it

to serve me snacks
while I'm on the toilet.

- Oh, just take it.
- So, Bode,

- do you have anywhere to stay?
- Not yet.

I saw a motel by the tire fire.

- He'll stay with us.
- No way.

Uh, Reverend? The homeless
are here for their foot washing.

I'm looking for a mani-pedi
and an eyebrow wax.

I guess I could use
a little help around here.

Thank you. I won't let you down.

We don't hug here.

HELEN:
Mmm.

Uh, I'm here for the
Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

It's usually me, Lenny, Carl,
Bumblebee Man, Kent Brockman.

But don't tell anyone.

Downstairs to the right.

Also, Lunchlady Dora, King Toot,

and a man I'll identify
as Disco S.

Disco S is quite a mess.

Hmm.

Oh, Marge, this is embarrassing.

We don't need counseling.

We do need counseling.

I'm carrying a lot of anger.

Just do what I do. Come home

and have a hot dinner
waiting for you.

- (Marge groans)
- Well, let me just say

that I go into this
with no preconceptions.

Now, tell me,
how is this Homer's fault?

- He sold our home
without telling me.
- (grunts)

- (toy train whistle blows)
- Helen, is he playing

with my damn trains?

Excuse me. There's trouble
down at Lovejoy Junction.

So, we're good?

We're good
if we get our house back.

Did you say houseboat?

House back. House back!

Oh.

(groaning)

(snoring)

(chokes, coughs)

Sorry, Reverend.
I'm trying to get some rest?

The 12:10 to Trenton
doesn't stop

just because your fat head's
on the track.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- You gonna drop that?
- Not doing a thing.

As a gag, you're gonna drop
a tiny log on my face?

-Nothing.
-As I'm sleeping?
That's, that's-that's funny.

- Nothing. Nothing.
- Go ahead. Drop it.

- Drop a tiny log on me.
- Not doing a thing.

Is that... Is that your plan?
You're gonna drop that?

Look, we're both grown men here.

Now leave my choo choo alone.

Gladly.

Aah!

Glad I finally got to use that.

Now, my sleepy, young friend,

I don't know how you did things
back in "Michigan."

Air quotes are for when
something's not a real thing.

But in my parish,
we minister to our flock.

And I'm not afraid
to say the hard things

that need to be said.

"I" 27.

- What?
- What did he say?

We can't hear you.

"B" thr-three.
(coughs)

You know, I'd be happy
to yell out numbers for you.

Help save your voice.

Bingo requires
a firm, experienced caller.

(voice cracks, clears throat):
"G." "G" 48.

(coughing):
"N" for... "N" 43.

I got nothing.

(coughing)

I think I can handle it.

When I was in seminary school,

I was the shouty guy
on our rowing team.

(whispers): We weren't allowed
to say "coxswain."

(coughs)
Bingo is not for newbies.

The letters sound very similar.

"B" 15.

"B" as in Balthazar.

Did he say Galthazar?

Gingo!

Gingo take you to bathroom.

I don't want to go.

Hey, this no picnic
for Gingo either.

Empty again.

And those two
just came here to make out.

(moaning)

If we do it in a church,
I, like, can't get pregnant.

(moaning)

Uh, good mor...
(clears throat, coughs)

Excuse me.

(clears throat)

(coughing)

(groaning)

Brothers and sisters,

Reverend Lovejoy is experiencing
some vocal difficulties.

(grunts, coughs)

Save your voice, Reverend.

Now, we could cancel church.

(excited chatter)

(playing "Maple Leaf Rag")

But God clearly foresaw this

and sent us a backup pastor

to finish the service.

(congregation groans)

Church will not be canceled.

(sobbing)

Now please help me welcome

our new youth minister
Bode Wright.

(confused chatter)

Thanks. That's very meek.
Jesus would've loved it.

I was thinking, while
the reverend rests his voice,

maybe we could all sing a song.

Uh, Rev, if that's okay
with you, um, cough once.

(coughs twice)

We did not establish
what two coughs means,

so I'll take that
to mean two yeses.

(congregation laughs)

Why don't we sing, I don't know,

"Amazing Grace"?
You all know that one.

Or if you don't,
it's in your hymnal under

"grace, comma, amazing."

(playing "Amazing Grace")

? Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound ?

? That saved a wretch like me ?

? I once was lost
but now I'm found ?

? 'Twas blind, but now I see. ?

This is the most exciting thing
that ever happened

in a white church!

All these years
of mediocre grace.

Finally, it's amazing.

This must've been
what it was like

at Jesus's concerts.

(electric guitar playing)

Thank you. Now we'd, uh,

we'd like to do
a couple of new psalms.

(crowd boos)

-? Hallelujah, hallelu ?
-? Hallelujah ?

? Hallelujah, hallelu ?

? Hallelujah. ?

Something exciting's

happening at the church.

Let's check it out.

All right, I think we get it.
Grace, it's amazing.

I know most of you
usually save your "hallelujahs"

for when church is over.

(laughs)
I adore the informality.

But if it's okay, I thought
maybe I could just speak

to you guys
straight from my heart.

I don't have anything planned,

but I guess I should talk
about God, right?

Church. Pastor.

Makes sense
I should talk about God.

But the truth is,
I woke up this morning

and I wasn't really sure
if I believed in God.

(congregation gasps)

No God?

Fingers in your ears, boys.

Till you can feel the brain.

It's okay. Everything's fine.

I-I just woke up
with some doubt.

Like many of you did, too,
I'm sure.

There's so much pain
and suffering in the world,

I wasn't sure anyone
was really out there.

Watching us. On a cloud.

That's how we think of God,
right?

To many of us,
God is just an angry, old miser

with a killer
surveillance system.

Everyone picks on the miser.

Shave faster or no tip!

Oh, I shave-a faster, all right.

Hurry up.
I'm going to a funeral.

Oh, you're going to a funeral,
all right.

Oh, this is taking too long.

I got to stop procrastinating.

Then I got quiet
and thought about it.

It hit me that maybe God
isn't up there, you know.

"Somewhere else."

Maybe God's right here and now.

As close as the air
on your skin.

For the first time ever,
I don't feel alone.

Life is worth living.

Hey, forget that hit
I called on myself, huh?

Yeah, well, I said too late.

Can't you just charge me
a stalking fee?

Okay, 40%.

And you can only cancel
on the app.

All right, I-I'll just, uh...

My screen is frozen!

Maybe God is just
a word for a love

that we create
and remember together.

A love that isn't mad
at us for our doubt

or angry at us
because we're alcoholics.

(sighs)

Finally, recognized
for my accomplishments.

I think so many of us have
made a God that's like us,

instead of the other way around.

God loves diversity.

God didn't just make
one type of flower.

He made thousands
of different flowers--

roses, lilies, orchids--

and He made the weeds, too.

But He loves all of them
indiscriminately.

Just like the bees.

You have made this bumblebee
a humble bee.

Jesus said, "Let the weeds
grow with the wheat."

That means it's all in the game.

Go easy on yourself.

You don't have
to earn God's love.

You are God's love.

All right, that's it.

I know it's early,
but it's a beautiful day.

Let's get out of here.

Sorry, concert's over, dude.

All that's left is the merch.

(chanting):
Bode! Bode! Bode!

CONGREGATION (chanting):
Bode! Bode! Bode!

Three cheers
for Reverend Lovejoy.

Stupid Flanders.

CONGREGATION:
Stupid Flanders!

Stupid
Flanders!

I love church.

I won't be single in Heaven.

This was the best church ever.

It was like some kind
of religious experience.

Will you join us for pancakes?

Are those new vestments?

They really bring out the piety.

You don't have
to patronize me, Ned.

You're, y-you're right,
I'm sorry.

Y-You did not do well today.

Oh, go back to patronizing.

Maybe something about my shoes?

Oh, look at those shoes, tied
so tight with loops so even.

Someone knows
the bunny ear technique.

Helen tied them.

Uh, Pastor, would you
like to say grace?

(clears throat)
Lord--

Oh, sorry, I should
have been more specific.

I meant the cool new pastor
everyone likes.

(laughs) You can sit down.

You know, I think
the food is good

without me saying it's good.

God made it good.

Don't get me wrong,
it's nice to be thankful, but

there's no need to make
everyone uncomfortable

by praying in front of 'em,
am I right?

Nice speech, although
longer than grace.

Oh, no bacon for me.

I'm a vegetarian. (chuckles)

And, actually, a Buddhist.

Great. I love Buddha.

That's where I got my name.

The Bodhi Tree.

And I don't eat meat either.

You're a vegetarian?

- What about evolution?
- Into it.

- Gay rights?
- Love is love.

- Dizzy or Bird?
- John Coltrane

and Duke Ellington, 1962.

(gasps) The only way
to describe how perfect

that jazz answer is,
is with jazz.

This brunch has turned into...

a jazz brunch!

I'm a believer.

That's great, Lisa,
but I actually don't think

faith comes down
to what we believe.

Well, you got to believe
in this baloney.

That's how you get into Heaven.

Where maybe,
just maybe, I could see

the mother
that abandoned me again.

Yeah, sure, but I think together

we can bring Heaven here
while we're still alive.

There's a Chinese proverb
about Heaven and Hell.

They say Hell is a long table
like this, full of food,

but everybody's starving because
they have these long chopsticks,

like pool cues, and they can't
bring the food to their mouths.

This is the worst
Year of the Ox ever.

But in the proverb, Heaven is
the exact same table, same food,

same long chopsticks, but
everybody's happy and fat

because they're
feeding each other.

CONGREGATION:
Aw!

Wait, wait! I can be cool,
too... with humor.

Did you hear the one about
the Greek-Jewish wedding?

They didn't know whether
to break the plates

or the glasses!

(congregation booing)

Yes, why don't you take
your cultural insensitivity

back to the Spanish Inquisition
you came from?

I've lost them.

You never had us.

Timothy, the church council
wants to thank you

for your many years of...

Incompetence!

(gasps)

Knock his frock off.

We like the new guy
in his tight jeans.

Do not resuscitate your career.

What are you saying?
You're firing me?

- Gingo.
- Please surrender your cross.

We don't want any trouble.

Timothy.

Now the collar.

And any water
you turned into holy water

is once again regular water.

Nothing but tap.

Did you know Bode has
22,000 YouTube subscribers?

Our church could go viral.

Ugh. Close window.

- You just subscribed.
- What? No.

(chuckles):
Now you gave him a thumbs-up.

Stop telling me what I just did.

You just gave him
an eggplant emoji.

Well, at least
that can't be misconstrued.

Wait a minute.

The Internet can help me.
Help me find something on him.

He's clean on Google.

I'll have to try Bing.

Sorry, I was asleep.

Do you really want to use us?

Yes.

Hmm. Nothing.

But I'm not licked.

Pack your bags, Helen.

We are going to Michigan.

Reverend? We're here
for a little counseling?

Well, I'd be happy to.

But you're already with
the best counselor there is.

- Your partner.
- Wait.

But Marge always told me

communication is bad
for a marriage.

I said it was good.

You said what was good?

You just have to know
what it's like

to be in each other's shoes.

Literally.
Put on each other's shoes.

Right now.

HOMER:
All right. They...

(grunting)

Your shoes are so tight.

And you do so much work.

You're an angel.

And your shoes are so heavy.

I never realized
you carried around so much.

I'm starting to see the man
I fell in love with again.

Where? Where? I'll kill him!

- You.
- Oh.

I must admit, this is amazing.

But what about the fact
that he sold our house?

- Um, may I interject?
- Sure.

I've seen your house.
It'll never pass inspection.

- Are you sure?
- Piece of crap.

Thank you, Reverend. Mmm, mmm.

Lisa. What brings you here?

Well, I thought it might be fun
if we meditate together.

Sure. Make yourself at om.

(laughs):
Wow! As meditation jokes go...

That's the only meditation joke
I've ever heard.

Alexa, play Meditation Jam.

(new age music playing)

You know,
science calls it consciousness,

the mystics call it a soul,
but both are just words,

just labels, for whatever it is

that's looking out your eyes
right now.

(inhales)
Breathe, Lisa.

("In a Sentimental Mood"
playing)

? ?

Saw the button, huh?

(gasps)
I did.

HELEN:
Tim,

we could go to Mackinac Island.

They have the longest
hotel porch in the world.

It's always the big verandas
with you, isn't it, Helen?

You've done something
to this town

I never thought could happen.

A full-blown religious revival.

Yeah, let these
warm your insides

as the words of St. Paul
warm your soul, there.

(clears throat)
Dear Ephesians--

and I'm, of course,
paraphrasing here--

believe in Christ or I'll hit
your head with a baseball bat.

I'll frickin' do it.

- Amen.
- Amen.

(chuckles): Hey, I'm-I'm not
trying to change any minds.

I'm just trying
to start a conversation.

We need that.
This town's like a snow globe.

It doesn't look like much
till you shake it up a little.

- (whimpers)
- I want redemption
or else, dude.

Or else what?

Or Rabbi Mankiewicz will, dude.

And I have trouble
making that "cch" sound.

It's either Chanukah
or Hanukkah.

Okay? Pick one of those.

(exhales)

Teach a man to microfiche,

and you'll feed him dirt
for a lifetime.

Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the me.

We really should've digitized
that stuff.

Oh, I hope part two
is about my rescue.

ANNOUNCER:
Next week on
"Warrin' Priests Part Two..."

I hear there's a little dirt

on the collar of a man
who used to preach here,

Bode Wright.

You, sir,
have challenged me on scripture.

Oh, well, if it's scripture
you want to talk,

then let us make a joyful noise

- unto the Lord.
- Good.

Yarr, activism means nothing

if it's not intersectional.
Yarr!

ANNOUNCER: Next week on The Simpsons.

(jazz music playing)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!