The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 19 - Girl's in the Band - full transcript

*THE SIMPSONS*

Season 30 Episode 19
Episode Title: "Girl's in the Band"

D'oh!

Each year,

one graduate receives
the prestigious.

Golden Baton Award
for the most impressive

future conductor.

But this year,
we have two worthy recipients.

Two?

That's right.

Gustavo Dudamel and
local wunderkind,



Mr. Dewey Largo.

I'm sure you will each achieve
tremendous renown.

No, wait.

I believe that one of you will.

And the other will fail
and have a horrible life

as a public school
music teacher.

Oh... Dudamel.

Dudamel.
Yo-Yo Ma!

Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet.

You're having
that dream again?

Oh, it's so cruel
that my only triumph

has become
my recurring nightmare.

Oh, darling, you're cursed
with the memory of an elephant.

And the wrinkles to match.



Can't you just wake me
with a slice of melon

and a drop of affection?

Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy
of the Morning Breath.

Now, Petal, don't forget
to call the dog walker.

Tell him to come early.

And easy on the leash.

Oh, it's on my list.

Also, don't forget to call
someone about the water bill.

I suspect a sputtering spigot.

You know,
you are home all day.

Hence my annoyance.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
Pinterest awaits.

Oh, shut up, Sir Winston,

or there'll be
no cigar for you.

Dear Mr. Largo,
I am the musical director

of the Capital City
Philharmonic.

I've heard you've got talent.
Big talent, major chops,

the goods.
Aah!

So I'll be attending
your concert tomorrow night.

Intriguingly yours,
Victor Kleskow.

P.S. I will be bringing
an outside beverage.

Large, icy, nonalcoholic.

Okay, gang.

Our recital's tomorrow,
and we're gonna be ready.

And if you play the way
I know you're capable of,

you'll never see me again.

You have hidden talent
bubbling inside you,

and this baton will pop it right out.

Sherri, more fortissimo.
Terri, more pianissimo.

Milhouse, don't forget to tune your...

What the heck are you playing?

No one really knows.

Well, then, wear it on your head.

Here we go.
I'm gonna do something

I've never done as a teacher
before: actually try.

One, two, three, four.

Are you sure
we're at the right school?

I mean,
they sound good.

Oh, my gosh,
it's bearable.

Sir? Did it move you?

Skinner,
didn't I ask for a buffer chair

between you and me
at all of these events?

Uh-uh. Buffer.

Brilliant.
How did you manage it?

It was good,
wasn't it?

Let's just say I separated
the wheat from the chaff.

I'm in the F hole.

Oh, Salieri,
patron saint of losers,

runners-up
and also-rans,

please let this Garfunkel
become a Simon,

this Pepsi become
a Coke,

and this ugly duckling
conduct Swan Lake.

Hi. Victor Kleskow.
We're conductors,

so don't shake hands;
just a friendly wave

on the beat of four,
three, two and done.

I'm honored, maestro.

Let's cut to the chase.

That was good...
middle school good.

Tonight, I witnessed
a once-in-a-semester talent

that I must add to
my organization.

- Dewey...
- Uh-huh.

Have to keep talking,
or can I meet Lisa Simpson?

But-but-but
she's a child.

Yes, I'm scouting talent
for our youth philharmonic.

Surely, you didn't think
I wanted you?

No, no, of course not.

Lisa's right over there.

Red dress,
intelligent expression.

Can't miss her.

Mr. Largo, he picked me.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm really glad
you get to represent us.

It's like a little piece of me
is taking a baby practice step.

That is so generous.

Yes, yes, there is an upside
to having a broken spirit.

Mr. Kleskow said
my articulation

was the best
he's ever heard.

He said I sounded like a young
Cannonball Adderley.

Ooh, is that the raccoon
on Saturday morning cartoons?

I'm talking about
the famous jazz musician.

I don't know
who you're talking about.

The guy I'm thinking of
would make himself into a ball

and knock
over all the crows.

Homie, this class is
30 miles each way.

We can do it!

I'll practice in the car.

60 miles in the car
with Lisa practicing.

I've got a symphony
for you.

♪ Sucks to be you ♪

♪ Sucks to be you,
sucks to be you ♪

♪ Sucks to be you,
sucks to be you. ♪

We can't afford a babysitter
every day.

Bart will have to come
along.

And Maggie, too.

Well, I got to ask.

Should we really sacrifice
everything for a gifted child?

We'll always regret it
if we don't.

- Okay.
- I wanted you to argue with me.

Youth orchestra
costs $200 a month.

Where's that money gonna
come from?

Well, I have an idea,
but you might not like it.

Remember the show Breaking Bad?

About a dad
who was desperate for money?

Homer, no.

Marge, yes,
I can do it.

I can sell my box set.

We haven't even listened
to the commentaries.

Okay, not that.

I could always switch to
a double shift

and work nights
at the plant.

Isn't that dangerous
to your health?

You think
I'm in danger?

I am the danger.
I'm the one who knocks.

Well, that's so protective.

It's also a quote from Breaking Bad.

You are really far behind.

And Jesus said

unto the Samaritan woman...

Good, good.
When the Spanish station

overpowers the Christian one,
we're getting close to the city.

Why do I have to be here?

I specifically
didn't get good at anything

to avoid drives like this.

If you were me,
would you trust you home alone?

Hmm.

- Who's the new girl?
- What does she play?

Too small for a tuba.

- Too big for a flute.
- Well, maybe it's her lunch.

- Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson.
- Shh.

He might hear you.

- Are you okay?
- Don't tell him I'm sick.

The sick are left to die.

Wow, even the violas
are tense.

Everyone, say hello to
Lisa Simpson.

She's an actual musician,
so she will be

a strange and wonderful creature
to the rest of you.

We'll start with
one of the classics.

Theme from Knight Rider,
second movement, bar 47.

One, two, three, four.

I may have misspoken.

Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp

or a G flat that you played?

Well, that's a trick question,

because they're the same.

Oh, we have a music scholar
in our midst.

You're right,
they are the same.

And if only you had played
either one of them!

Sorry?

No, no, no. It's my fault.

I've been too soft on you,
Lisa.

I've been letting you coast
for almost two minutes.

That ends now. Lisa alone,
theme from Moonlighting,

second movement, andante!

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- Ow. Ow.
- Bart.

- Bart.
- Just killing time.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Lisa.

Lisa, sweetie, are you okay?

He yelled at me, humiliated me
in front of everyone.

And then...

I never played better!

Aw, so we're doing this
every day?

- I guess so.
- Oh, man.

I've already got
seat cushion butt.

Look. I sat on a nickel.

You can see the date.

Uh!
That's a buffalo nickel.

It's really valuable.

Threw it in the gutter.

Coins are boring.

Hey, welcome to the night shift.
What are you in for?

Because I hit the jackpot.

My kid's got a big future
with the jazz.

Oh, I hear you, you'll do
anything for your kids.

Then they turn on you.

Well, I am through.
Happily estranged.

Is that my kids?
Oh, boy.

Steam valve.

It's never them.

It's pretty dark in here.
Can we turn on some more lights?

Uh, no. The company
can't afford the power.

Aren't we a power company?

Never get high
on your own supply.

Uh, Mom, I think Maggie
wants to go home.

Maggie,
is that what you want?

Let's go home! Let's go home!

I'm sorry, is this annoying you?

Ma'am, day care is happy
to watch your son.

Bart Simpson,
well-behaved child.

Please don't Google me.

In you go!

Who are you losers, and why am I
locked in here with you?

We're the siblings.

Our brothers and sisters
are the talented ones.

Do you know what it's like being
second banana to a third chair?

Shut up, Miles.

Hey, I don't belong here.

You're one of us.

One of us. One of us.

- Afterthought.
- Also-ran.

Second string.

Unwanted child.

You're pretty well-dressed for a kid.

I'm a parent.

A prize-winning novelist
with no musical talent.

All right, first order of business,

do we have
any chair challenges?

Excuse me, what's a chair chall...

Great, our first volunteer,
out for blood.

Lisa versus Brian,
winner gets first chair.

- Lisa, how could you?
- No, I didn't mean to.

Go, go, go, or I'll call you
both Ubers back to Loser Town.

Damn it, surge pricing.
I'll call it in later. Go!

I've heard enough.

Brian, that was perfect...
for second chair.

Lisa, you have his spot.

- I had a good run.
- No, you didn't.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Never apologize for talent.

Did Mozart apologize?
I don't know. I wasn't there.

And even if I was,
I'd have been pushing a plow.

You think everyone gets
to hang out with Mozart?

Whoo-hoo! First chair.

Well, I'm off to the night shift.

I'll miss you most of all,
prime-time TV.

- Dad, do my feelings matter?
- Of course they do.

We just don't have
as much time for them as usual.

Go ahead, tell me
what you're thinking.

- Well, I...
- I hear you, I understand you,

- and I love you.
- But I...

Just put the rest
on my Father's Day card.

Mwah.
I'll see you at breakfast.

There's nothing worse
than being the parent

of a kid with promise.

Oh, gosh.
I've been so selfish.

That's right. The only one
who should monopolize

this family's time
and attention is me,

because I could go
at any moment.

Unless I keep talking.

Talking, talking, talking.

That's what keeps
the grim reaper at bay.

I saw quite a bit of the
grim reaper back in the war.

Back then, we called him
The Ticket Out of Germany.

But the seating was cramped
and the food was lousy.

And that was the start
of American Airlines.

¿Accidentes? No problema.

Teléfono ocho-ocho-ocho ocho-ocho...

Maggie, what are you doing?

I'll help her, Mom.

Help! Help!

I was promised ice cream
50 miles ago.

We're here.

Homie?

Everything's breakfast
all the time.

Eggs.
All I'm eating are eggs.

I think it's turning my skin yellow.

Homie, are we sacrificing
our family's happiness

for the sake of one member?

When Lisa's
making millions of dollars

playing for the Utah Jazz,
it'll be worth it.

The Jazz is a basketball team.

No, it's...

Oh, my God,
what have we done?

Okay, listen up,
you guys want to be

in your siblings' shadows
your whole life?

Yes.

It's cool in the shadow.

Well, I'm gonna tell you
how to get attention.

- Are you sure?
- That sounds risky.

I don't know about that.

Here's what you do:
misbehave.

Call your dad by his first name.

If it's sticky, spill it.

Make a shirttail wiener.

- Yes!
- I'll do it!

Yeah!

Simpson, a word?

About your time with this band,
I am afraid it's almost up.

Are you kicking me out?

I wish. Ending people's
musical careers

is why I got into music.

But no, your sin
is having a birthday soon.

You have to audition to move up
to the next group.

- How old are they?
- Nine to 14.

And then what's the group after that?

Fame, fortune,
an affair with Hans Zimmer.

Well, sir, I'm ready
for all but the last one.

You think you're ready?
In nine to 14,

we play notes
you've never heard of.

M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G,
Frank, Frank Natural.

And those are just
the ones you can hear.

I know you're playing
mental games with me,

and I take it as flattery.

Smart. Always smart.
Well, this isn't a game!

It'll cost your parents
more money,

and it's a half hour
farther from everywhere.

Oh, well, I guess I better
talk to my family, then,

and tell them the,
uh... the good news.

Auditions are Tuesday.
I sense you're conflicted.

I was conflicted once.
Band leader or prison guard?

I chose the one
where I could be more cruel.

So tired and irritable.

Shut up. You shut up.

The usual, sir?

Thank you, Lloyd.

And let me say,
no one enables

a descent into madness
better than you.

I understand the family's

getting to be a bit of a problem.

Yeah, but what are
you gonna do?

I hear radiation poisoning
is a painless way to go.

Maybe sprinkle a little
plutonium in the salad.

- I don't eat salad.
- Exactly.

I see.

- No, I don't.
- Kill your family.

- How do I do that?
- With the plutonium.

- Well, where do I put it?
- In the salad.

- To what end?
- To kill your family!

Just what are you driving at?

Simpson, what the hell
are you doing?

Get back to your post.

Geez, I nearly went insane

just to put my kid
in an after-school music class.

I'm beginning to think
it's not worth it.

- Please, don't fire me.
- Oh, don't worry.

What happens on the night shift
stays on the night shift.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm just gonna
bash your brains in.

There's our head
of human resources now.

Well, this is it.

If she makes it, it's five more
years at least of driving.

I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch
to calm her down.

Oh, my God, she has talent, too.

- What are you looking at?
- Uh, nothing.

Make something else.

I'm doing it.
I'm gonna make it.

Oh, but if I keep being this good,

it'll mean more practice
and more driving

and more resentful looks
from the baby.

Wonder what I'm gonna do.

Ugh, I hate defining moments.

Stop! That's it, you failed.

Have fun playing
for nickels on the street

at the corner of Good
But Not Great

and Disappointment Boulevard.

You don't exist for me
anymore.

You're pretty mean
for a teacher.

Yeah. You should see me
as a father.

So, guess this is the last time

we're doing this drive.

Lisa, are you okay?

Sure. Fine.
Never been better.

Hmm. You weren't crazy enough
to fail on purpose

just to make life better
for the rest of us?

I'm fine.
Probably, if I'd gotten it,

all that work would have
killed my love for music.

Or I think you would have gotten
better and loved it more.

I know I loved that.

And I love that
I drove you to violence.

Don't make me
come back there!

You wouldn't fit, fatso.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Maggie, are we good?

Oh, wow.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Why does this car
always smell of cheese puffs?

Is someone sad-snacking
when he drives alone?

It's not like I have anyone
making me breakfast.

But we're almost home,
so close your eyes.

There's a big surprise.
Come on, close them.

This is silly.

- Close them!
- Oh, Petal.

Surprise.

A man, for me?

No. I changed the locks,
and I'm kicking you out.

But-But who gets Sir Winston?

His name is Poochini.

Very well.
Poochini it is.

That's all I ever wanted.
I love you.