The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 22 - Woo-Hoo Dunnit? - full transcript

Let go, let go.

[ALARM BEEPING]

[GURGLING]

[PINGS]

This is Dateline: Springfield.

♪ ♪

From a distance, the Simpsons
were the perfect family.

Homer and Marge were
high school sweethearts.

She saved me from a dateless prom.

He saved me from a life with my sisters.

Those two are monsters.
Cut to them, you'll see.



What are you filming us for?

NARRATOR: Marge and Homer
raised their three kids

in an atmosphere of love, laughter
and crushing economic anxiety.

The only thing they
needed was each other.

When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947,

they were building affordable
homes in Pennsylvania.

Little Maggie was going to
be the next Lindbergh baby.

But John Foster Dulles had other ideas.

Don't interview Grampa.

He almost made Ken
Burns quit the business.

[LAUGHS] That pompous old fool
was more boring than baseball.

NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons
suspect that their American dream

was about to be flipped upside
down by the spatula of crime.

Home to a nuclear power
plant and an active volcano,



Springfield seemed like the
safest place in the world.

But that tranquility was
about to be shattered,

in a mysterious crime that would
tear the Simpson family apart.

Tear us apart?
Nothing can tear us apart.

Tear us apart.

- Mom, stop saying "tear us apart."
- It's tearing us apart!

Who wants mac and cheese?

NARRATOR: Our conscienceless
reenactment begins as Marge and Lisa

return home from a trip to the market.

MARGE: Whatever we
didn't spend, I'd donate

to Lisa's secret college fund.

LISA: We hid it in the last place
the men in this family would look.

MARGE: [CHUCKLES] A jar of cleanser.

What happened next was one of
those life‐changing moments

that always seem to
happen under the sink.

NARRATOR: The entire college
fund, $670.42, was gone.

And just like that, Lisa's dream
of going to college for three weeks,

without a food plan, was over.

For any parent of young children,

the thing you dread most is
losing a can full of money.

911 OPERATOR: 911 dispatch.
State the nature of your emergency.

LISA: There's been a robbery!

LISA: Send help! 742 Evergreen Terrace.

911 OPERATOR: It wouldn't
hurt you to say "please."

LISA: It's an emergency! You
don't have to say "please."

911 OPERATOR: Sounds like what's
been stolen are your manners.

LISA: Please!

911 OPERATOR: Help is on
the way. You're welcome.

LISA: Can I get your name,
please? And your supervisor?

LISA: If I may?

911 OPERATOR: Help is no longer
on the way. [FAKE DIAL TONE]

LISA: Jerk.

Uh, Chief, you found something?

Zero evidence of Pringles, so...

[SIGHS]

So we were back at square one.

It was not your typical break‐in.
No sign of forced entry.

I mean, the dog didn't even bark.

Somebody knew exactly
where to rub him. The tummy.

[MOANS]

NARRATOR: A police reenactment
confirmed the chief's theory.

[MOANS]: Oh, oh, God, that's great.
Oh, there's no way I'm barking.

Oh, Lou, you got to
teach my wife to do this.

NARRATOR: With zero
evidence of a break‐in,

police suspicion turned to the family.

This just didn't pass what
cops call "the smell test."

I've watched a lot of
cop shows in my day.

I consider myself something of an
amateur policeman. [CHUCKLES]

Let me just stop this documentary,
or "doc," here and now!

We are good people.

We do not steal.

That's borrowing.

Borrowing. Borr‐ow‐ing.

NARRATOR: And so this nuclear
family began to explode,

as suspicion focused on one man.

Oh, what about the important
clue the police missed?

Somebody set a drink down
here without a coaster.

That had to be a stranger.

This is an expensive table,

and my family knows I
don't want it stained.

D'oh...

NARRATOR: Springfield
detectives made a desperate

plea to the public for help.

‐ They didn't have to wait long.
‐ [PHONE BEEPS]

MILHOUSE [OVER PHONE]:
Nelson came to school today

with a salon‐quality haircut.

His family doesn't even
have money for milk.

He eats cereal with rain water.

‐ [PHONE BEEPS]
- Mr. Teeny stole the money,

like he steals all my scenes.

I swear it on my very bone.

Sincerely, anonymous caller.

But just as you're about
to give up after two calls,

‐ you hit pay dirt.
‐ [PHONE BEEPS]

HELEN [OVER PHONE]: I would
like to accuse Marge Simpson

of stealing that money to
feed her gambling habit.

She told my husband, the minister,
that she was an addict.

In confidence, but, you know. [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: Marge Simpson.
This suburban mother with

Olive Oyl good looks had kicked
her gambling habit years ago.

Or had she?

MARGE: I admit it. I couldn't
resist the temptation.

But then I did.

NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino

and off the suspect list.

Shockingly, the mystery
would not be solved

in the first five minutes of the show.

With Marge's name cleared,
the police moved

to the next suspect on
their list, Homer Simpson.

Homer's bar tab was
spiraling out of control.

Five, six hundred bucks.

That night, Moe cut him off.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'm sorry... ♪

Yeah, our theory was that Homer
came home wasted, he fell,

he shimmied and he found the
money under the sink there,

and he figured he'd just
use it to pay his tab.

Well it's indisputable that
Homer visited the kitchen

before going to bed. You see,
we found spaghetti sauce splatter

consistent with a very
violent late‐night snack.

This is, ah, this is not
a flayvin situation.

Although, I still am compelled
to say flayvin.

LOU: Sauce on the walls, the
ceiling, under Homer's fingernails.

That pasta fought hard for its life.

What that man did to those leftovers...

I'm sorry, I‐I can't continue.

NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had
been a tomato‐soaked abattoir

that night, why had no one
noticed in the morning?

Hmm.

LOU: He cleaned up the
kitchen after stuffing

all the money into his pocket,

so we just had to get those pants.

Fortunately, a simple
sting did the trick.

[HOMER HUMMING]

Ooh, Super Bowl in July!

[CHUCKLES]

No money in these pants.

All we find is candy‐coated
peanuts, popcorn and a prize.

Now, that's some Cracker
Jack detective work.

[LAUGHS] Get it? Cracker Jack?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Yeah. But as
for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing.

With Homer still the prime suspect,
and the investigation stalled,

Deadline: Springfield
was in dire straits.

The show desperately needed a
cliffhanger commercial break.

What if the real criminal mastermind
was billionaire Montgomery Burns?

Why would I steal $600?
That's nothing to me.

This is what rich is. Smithers,
bring me some more money.

Need more convincing?

No. We'll be right back.

NARRATOR: Police returned
to their first theory:

could Homer Simpson have done it?

Oh, definitely. Hey, you're gonna
distort my voice for this, right?

'Cause I don't want no one knowing
that this is Moe Szyslak here.

Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah?

NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said,
Homer was definitely a suspect.

It was pretty clear, Chief liked
Homer Simpson for this case.

Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't
say that I liked‐liked him.

I just, uh... why, did he
say something about me?

I mean you thought he
was a person of interest.

Shut up. I can find someone interesting

without being interest‐ed
in them. Shut up.

Yeah, but then new evidence came
in that apparently cleared Homer.

Phone records showed a six‐hour
call from Homer's phone

to a third party on
the night of the crime.

The DNA revealed that
it was a butt dial.

Yeah, and not just to someone
on his speed dial list.

Uh‐uh. His dexterous cheeks
dialed all ten digits.

[PHONE BEEPING]

DISCO STU [OVER PHONE]: Disco
Stu is unavailable for you.

At the beep, you know what to do.

When police played back Homer's message,

it revealed a horrifying truth.

Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti
sauce off that kitchen with cleanser.

The sick bastard licked
those walls clean.

[HOMER MUMBLING, MOANING]

He had a little help.

[BARKING]

[YOWLS]

[GRUNTING]

My first thought was to
delete the message, sure,

but then I started grooving
to that slurping safari.

I hadn't heard any other
music than disco in so long.

Sometimes, a persona can just...
it becomes a trap, you know?

I knew it couldn't be Homer.
Every Simpson is innocent.

NARRATOR: Until proven guilty.

No. Just innocent.

What are you doing? Stop
panning across the family.

They didn't do it.

Finally. I've been expecting you.

[LAUGHS]

Like any normal healthy boy,
Bart has been the focus

of numerous police investigations.

But a mother knows when
her son is innocent.

And when she's kidding herself,

and when she's turning a blind eye.

This time he's innocent.

Just ask his friends.

‐ State your name for the record.
‐ Bart Simpson took the money.

I admit I knew about
the money under the sink,

but whatever I borrowed,
I always put back.

Also, $600?

What would a ten‐year‐old
boy do with that much money?

Slime. Bart was buying slime.

I've never seen such
a cooperative witness.

I brought extra batteries
for your tape recorder, too.

NARRATOR: Slime. The gooey, harmless

plaything wildly popular
with kids today.

I'd seen all the fads: yo‐yos,
pogs, Pokémon, crunking,

the short stories of John Cheever.

But this beat them all.

♪ On a clear day ♪

♪ Rise and look around you ♪

♪ And you will see who ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ You are ♪

♪ ♪

My plan was, if I owned all
the slime, I'd set the price,

except that's when the bottom fell out.

[SCREAMING]

Lucky for me, there
was one gullible schlub

who didn't realize the craze was over.

I sold my entire stash to him.

I have not agreed to be in
your documentary. Please go.

BART: So I put the money
back I had borrowed

from under the sink,
and I filmed it

because I knew no
one would believe me.

NARRATOR: So that's
everyone in the Simpson family,

except for Lisa, of course.
It couldn't be her, right?

Nah. Well, let's look at the...

Oh, for God's sake.

I asked Lisa where she was
when the money was stolen

and she said, "Chillin'. You
know, maxin' and relaxin'."

Now these are the words
of a very cool person,

but Lisa Simpson is
not even a little cool.

So... [CHUCKLES] huh.

MARGE: Oh, come on.

No one, I repeat no one, would
believe Lisa could do it.

But she's also a girl who
wants a new saxophone.

I'm just saying.

I've been Lisa's supplier for years.

Reeds, wipes, valve grease.

Would she commit a crime over a new sax?

[CHUCKLES] Did Dave Brubeck
compose in 9/8 time?

He did. We'll count it out together.

[HUMMING "BLUE RONDO À
LA TURK" BY DAVE BRUBECK]

Go ahead, give it a spin.

[PLAYING "NIGHT LIGHTS"
BY GERRY MULLIGAN]

Oh, it's the best bari
sax on the market,

a Smoothphone Jazzhonker
in black nickel.

[CHUCKLES] But I wouldn't steal for it.

NARRATOR: When we
come back, Lisa did it.

‐ No, I didn't.
‐ Lisa, it's your bedtime.

I got to go. My mom's reading
me Harry Potter book four.

NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the
one where Cedric Diggory dies?

‐ You suck.
‐ NARRATOR: You did it!

No, you did it, jerk.

Okay, okay. Time's up.

[GRUNTS] The reed's mine.

NARRATOR: You can't
spell greed without reed.

Check it out.

Why did we agree to do this documentary?

Because all our biggest stars today

come from true crime documentaries:

The Jinx, Making a Murderer,
and Matt Lauer on the Today Show.

NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa
did not buy the new saxophone.

Someone else did.

I've always wanted to play bari sax,

but my father insisted on tenor.

In you go.

‐ What do you think of this?
‐ You're still a disappointment.

[SHOUTS]

NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent,

why was she so reluctant
to explain her whereabouts

at the time of the crime?

Shut up about my Lisa! I
can tell you where she was.

‐ She was...
‐ Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Mom! Mom! No! Err!

Apparently, some of the
girls at school were...

Let's just say I stole the money,
okay? End of documentary.

See you at the
Independent Spirit Awards.

I took her to her hopscotch tutor.

LISA: I was hanging on by a thread,

and now the whole world will joke about

how I am the only girl who
ever needed a hopscotch tutor.

Lisa, just repeat after me.

One foot, two foot, one foot,
one foot, two foot, one foot,

two foot, one foot...

So stupid. Who invented this game?

The Scotch invented
hopscotch and Scotch tape!

‐ What about scotch whiskey?
‐ Never heard of it.

See, I told you, all innocent.

So maybe now you
vultures can leave us be.

NARRATOR: We've taken
up enough of your time.

Let's go, guys.

♪ ♪

What are you doing?
My family's in the clear.

I want you to apologize to my wife!

NARRATOR: Apologize? [CHUCKLES] Us?

Oh, you will, and you know why?

I am the last person that
watches network television,

including the commercials.

[GRUNTS]

I apologize.

MARGE: Now promise that this
scene will not be removed in editing.

I can't promise that,
only the editor can.

‐ I got him.
‐ I'm gonna report you

to the American Cinema Editors.

- It's just an honorary society.
- You take that back!

Whew. What a relief. So who did do it?

It was obviously Bart. It's always Bart.

Hey, nothing is my fault
'cause Dad raised me so rotten.

Well, nothing is my fault 'cause
my dad raised me so rotten.

Don't blame me.

It was a race out the
door and your mother won.

‐ Oh, yeah?
‐ It was Bart!

‐ [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
- ...To show how irresponsible you are!

Shut up, all you innocent people.

I wish I was never responsible for you.

Stop it, stop it!

You're tearing this family apart.

And stop calling the sofa a love seat!

I barely like it!

NARRATOR: The great Simpson
Robbery remains unsolved.

Justice may never be served,

but at the end of the day,
what matters is that we enjoyed

watching bad things happen
to human beings who aren't us.

Ah! Help, Mother.

[RALPH HUMMING]

[LISA GROANS]

WIGGUM: You try not to dwell
on your innumerable failures.

Instead, you stare out to
sea and try to look like

you're thinking deep thoughts.

Just like this.

Yeah.

You got what you need?

'Cause I got an itch,
I got to scratch it.

Now let's celebrate.

We got through a documentary
looking better than before it started.

Nobody's done that
since André the Giant.

Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring.

Ta‐da! A snap‐on coaster.

Nifty, huh?

What the...? Where'd you get this thing?

I invented it.

How many of these
things did you have made?

A thousand. I wanted
to start a business.

A thousand, huh? That
must've been expensive.

That's what I thought, but
it was only 65 cents apiece.

So 650 bucks total?

When did you get so
good at your timeses?

[GASPS] It was you, but the
whole time you denied it.

It was always you!

- [SOBBING] I‐I can explain.
- No! No explanation.

Kids, get in here!

For once in this marriage,
you did the wrong thing.

I am going to savor this.

I am gonna wait until I do
something wrong, and then...

Okay, we're even.

Well, let me just explain why.

Every day, you go out to
your friends, to Moe's.

Life to you is an adventure.

And I had an idea, an idea for something

that might make me somebody.

But I admit it, I was
gambling, on myself.

[SOBBING]: I understand, honey.

I completely understand.

[BOTH SOBBING]

‐ What's going on?
‐ Well, Lisa,

‐ I'm afraid I have to say...
‐ Lisa, I just want you to know

your mother's about to say that
the money was eaten by rats.

‐ But...
‐ How did rats get inside the can?

Uh... Grampa left it open.

Oh, why do they blame
everything around here on me?

‐ [MICROWAVE DINGS]
‐ Oh, good, the cat's done.

Marge, I'd like to take a walk
with the greatest woman ever.

Oh.

From that moment on, Homer
and I had never been closer.

HOMER: We shared a dark secret.

It was so sexy.

[BOTH MOANING]

Marge, I have a secret, too.

[WHISPERS]: I'm losing my hair.

"The Great Simpson
Robbery remains unsol..."

W‐Wait, what do you mean unsolved?

[STAMMERS] What the hell is this?

My public expects me to
solve the mystery, Bob.

It's not like we can just
change the format of the show.

You just read the copy.

Our viewers want one thing, it's simple:

solve the freakin' crime,
be told who did it.

[HOARSELY]: And I am the soothing voice,

‐ the reassuring voice that... Ah!
‐ [POP]

[QUIETLY]: Did you hear
that? Oh, my God,

I snapped my right vocal
cord... that's the dulcet one.

Quick! Prep him for cord transplant.

♪ ♪

We don't have a human donor.

All we have is the
vocal cord of a sheep.

And I'm [BLEATING]: ba‐a‐ack.

He has an unbelievable work
ethic for a voice‐over actor.