The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 18 - Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy - full transcript

*THE SIMPSONS*

Season 30 Episode 18
Episode Title: "Bart vs Itchy & Scratchy"

I love a good panel.

Krusty clearly hates
being there,

but he still gets super mad
when anyone but him talks.

Please welcome
the legendary stars

of the Krusty the Clown Show.

Hey-hey!

And a non-writing producer.

Ooh, non-writing.

Hey-hey, kids!



Hey-hey, Krusty!

Have we got a great panel
planned for you today.

What is it, Howard,
the usual crap?

Oh, yeah,
that'll kill some time.

Kids, call the police!
This isn't a sketch!

Ah.

My legs!

Stick to the script.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miami Sound Machine.

♪ Come on, shake... ♪

Where do you come up
with your ideas?

I'm a genius. Next.

- Are there any plans...
- For another Krusty movie?



We're waiting for a story
that needs to be told.

Once we see that, we'll copy it
and call it a parody.

Oy. Does anyone have a question

that hasn't been asked
a thousand times?

I have the worst fans
in the world.

Now we've got a big surprise

for the best fans in the world!

We're making some big changes

to your favorite cartoon.

It's different.

It's an all-female reboot
of Itchy & Scratchy!

Oh, my God!

Pretty enlightened, eh, kids?
We here at the Krusty Show

really care
about gender diversity.

Ask anyone: our lawyers,
our attorneys, anyone.

A girl Itchy & Scratchy?

No, no, no, this can't be.

They've ruined my childhood.

Your childhood
is currently happening.

That's how I know.

It doesn't make any sense.

In real life,
Itchy and Scratchy are dudes.

Girl mice don't have
the upper body strength

to wield a chain saw.

Is truth dead?

Boo!

Ah, you boys are leaving me
for video games anyway.

Zap, zap, zap,
you'll all die alone.

Girl power is where it's at.

That movie where Superman
was a chick

made a megillah of shekels.
Am I right, ladies?

See? Girls like my pandering.

Remember this if there's
ever a gender war.

Oh, this is the worst change.

Krusty's ever made to the show,

even worse than
Sideshow Leonard Cohen.

When girl Itchy & Scratchy
comes on,

we should totally hate-watch it.

No, everybody come over
to my house,

and we'll turn off
the TV the second

that girl cartoon comes on.

We'll hate-not-watch it.

Yeah! Hate-not-watch!

Yeah, that won't not show 'em.

I never really thought
about Itchy and Scratchy

as male or female, but it is
cool that they're girls now.

I always thought
they were a married couple,

and that's why
they fought so much.

Mom, they're different species.

I don't know what to be
liberal about anymore.

I am so pumped to hate-not-watch
Itchy & Scratchy.

I've not popped the popcorn,
the lights are not turned down.

Perfect.

Listen, son, I'm proud that
you're starting to hate things,

but take it slow.

If you use up all your hate
when you're young,

one day you'll be an old man
who likes things that suck.

Tonight, cabbage.

It is a lovely shade of gray,

and just look at the wrinkling.

All I'm saying is, if they ever
make a female Mr. Magoo,

I will lose it,
I will just lose it!

Hey-hey, kids!

It's time to tickle
your funny bones

and your Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission bones

by presenting
the all-new, all-female.

Itchy & Scratchy!

Now to sit in silence
till it's over.

Blindfolds on, gentlemen.

This is Lisa Simpson,

recording my reaction
to this historic moment

in cartoon women's history.

♪ They fight, they bite ♪

♪ They bite and fight and bite,
bite, bite, bite ♪

♪ Now they're girls ♪

♪ The Itchy & Scratchy ♪

♪ Girls! ♪

May I?

♪ I got my ticket
for the long way 'round ♪

♪ Two bottle o' whiskey
for the way ♪

♪ And I sure would like ♪

♪ Some sweet company ♪

♪ And I'm leaving tomorrow ♪

♪ What do you say? ♪

♪ When I'm
gone, when I'm gone ♪

♪ You're gonna miss me
when I'm gone ♪

♪ You're gonna miss me
by my hair, you're gonna miss me... ♪

Ha-ha! I knew you couldn't
resist watching.

And guess what, you laughed!
It was funny.

I-I wasn't laughing.

I-I was crying a-and burping!

And... open.

We did it.

We prejudged something
without giving it a chance.

I am so proud of us.

Like Bart Simpson would ever
watch a girl Itchy & Scratchy.

Never gonna happen.

Yeah.

That little liar.
If only people could know

that Bart laughed
even harder than I did...

All right,
you soda-squirting hypocrite,

I know exactly what to do
with this video.

Welcome to Josh.0,

the show for people who want
to look at the Internet

but don't have a computer
or a phone.

You know what bugs me
about old guys at the gym?

They always forget
to wipe down the machine.

He means the blood.

Now, this boy says he hates
all-girl Itchy & Scratchy,

but then this happened...

Bart, you got to see this!

Some old guy at a gym
got hit by a boat!

Also, now everyone knows you're
the world's biggest hypocrite.

You said you
weren't gonna watch it,

and then you did
and you loved it!

Then you got busted and I called
you in here and laughed at you!

And I'm still doing it!

Look at you.

What a jerk.

Well, Bart, how does it feel
to be trolled, memed, giffed,

and, dare I say, pwned?

How do you know those words?

I read about them
in Parade magazine.

Big deal, I was exposed
as a liar on the Internet.

I've got so much cred built up,
nothing can take me down.

You betrayed us, Bart.

And worse, you betrayed
your own wang.

You know what?
Yes, I laughed at a cartoon.

Why? Because it was funny.

So what if Itchy and Scratchy
are girls?

I laughed, and you can't
take back the laugh.

Girls aren't funny.

They're hot or moms.

Or both.

Girls stole Itchy and Scratchy.

What are they gonna take next,
our body spray?

Our puka shell necklaces?

- Yeah!
- Lame!

Girls get everything:
bigger, softer baseballs,

chick flicks,
two-piece bathing suits,

and on House Hunters
International,

they always choose
the house that she wants.

He's right.
The wife gets the beach view,

but it's always a longer commute
for the husband.

- You know, you're right.
- Oh, yeah.

You guys see what's happening?

You're listening to Milhouse!

So? Maybe we are.

They are listening to me.

The next thing I say
must be perfectly chosen

to show I am worthy
of leadership.

Get him!

Sixth graders. Tweens.

What are you doing
in the girl's room, Seat Soaker?

No, no, I didn't mean
to come in here.

I need sanctuary.

Hey, you guys have
a candy machine? No fair.

Spin him till he barfs.

Ah!

I'm full of hummus and milk!

Pink spray paint?

Give that back.
That's for Skinner's office.

You tell anyone about this,
you're canceled.

Charlie Rose canceled.

No, no, no, you can trust me.
I'm not just any fourth grader.

Whoa, this dude's El Barto.

Huh, I always thought it was
that fifth grader, Eloise Barto.

Yeah, sometimes
I get her e-mail.

You know, if you fill up
a leaf blower with paint,

you can coat
Skinner's whole office.

- Duh.
- Double duh.

Where are we gonna get
a leaf blower?

Willie's shack.

Whoa, homemade prank masks.

The knit is on.

This'll teach Skinner
to ban sandals.

Oh, he will not
silence our toes.

Hurry, Skinner's almost back

from his lunchtime
dog-walking job.

I will not negotiate
with terrorists.

I'll just give in.
Sandals unbanned.

Ladies, that was smooth,
Barbie smooth.

So smooth.

Hey, why are you still here,
truck-nuts?

Whoa, is this your hideout?

It's the old Home Ec classroom,

where they would brainwash girls

into being good
little housewives,

but now it's our war room.

Also, we cook here,

we do a little bit of sewing.

Stop telling him things!

Cooties be damned,
you girls are badass

and your pranks are next level.

Take a seat and learn something.

We don't do "pranks,"

we drop awareness bombs.

Our protest crew
is called Bossy Riot.

We're pushing back
against the pushback,

starting with this school.

Look at this his-tory book.

Cool shades.

That is textbook
textbook shredding.

Now do you see
what we're doing here?

I think I do.

You're sticking it to the man,
but this time, the man is men.

Look, you got to let me
join your gang.

You know, if we're really
serious about gender equality,

it's only right
that a boy be our servant.

Okay, No-varies, you're in,
if you pass this test...

Steal Skinner's cell phone.

Work or personal?

- Skinner!
- Seymour!

Welcome to girlhood.

Gentlemen, our way of life

- is under attack.
- Hear, hear!

Society is trying to erase boys.

They give us drugs that make us
do girly things,

like pay attention.

They're putting drugs
in our medication?

We need to band together.

Like a sorority, but for dudes.

I give you
the Boys Rights Association.

- BRA!
- B-R-A.

- Right now, we're just training BRAs.
- Mm-hmm.

But soon,
we'll be the strongest,

most supportive BRAs
anyone has ever seen.

We are BRAs! We are BRAs!

Our son has one, two...

...eight friends.

They're more than just friends,
he's-he's the leader.

I'm feeling this wave of relief,

not worrying about
my son's social life.

I can stop being a mother
and start being a... a woman.

Say it. Say it again.

Our son has friends.

♪ Old folks say
"You poor little fool" ♪

♪ Down the streets,
I'm the girl next door ♪

♪ I'm the fox
you've been waiting for ♪

♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪

♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb ♪

♪ Hello, world,
I'm your wild girl ♪

♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb ♪

♪ Stone Age love
and strange sounds, too... ♪

This is why I sit.

♪ Bad nights causing
teenage blues ♪

♪ Get down, ladies,
you've got nothing to lose ♪

♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪

♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb... ♪

Springfield,

a town living in fear,

as masked pranksters
calling themselves "Bossy Riot,"

spread their terrifying message
of female empowerment.

The latest victim of this "gal
Qaeda," our once-proud symbol

of the portly
pastry-purveying patriarchy.

"Lard Lady"?

But a donut is the ultimate
symbol of masculinity.

The only lead police have
as to the identity of Bossy Riot

is this security camera footage.

Moe and his bats.

Bossy Riot is so cool.

We need fearless
female activists

to fight back against misogyny
and man-spreading.

Well, whoever they are,
they are the coolest badasses

this town has ever seen,
whoever they are.

Ooh, Bart winked at me.

I must be in on a joke.

Hmm...

Bart, are you in Bossy Riot?

- No way.
- Ah, good.

Because if you were fighting
for women's rights,

it would destroy my entire
vision of the universe.

Actually, I totally am.

You can't be an activist
for women's rights.

You don't know anything
about the feminist cause.

Sure I do.
Chicks get a raw deal.

I'm a little fuzzy on the deets,
but take my word for it.

It's all about
the deets. You're not a girl.

You just want to spray-paint
the world

- and watch it drip.
- Mm-hmm.

You've never been called shrill
just because you speak up.

And-And-And-And girls' clothing
has no pockets,

while yours are lousy
with pockets!

This is good stuff,
I got to write it down.

This is someone else's war,

and you,
y-you're just a mercenary.

Mercenaries are cool,
like Boba Fett.

Oh, yeah, Boba Fett,
great character.

Boba Fett's badass.
He wears a jetpack and a cape.

Pick a lane, weirdo.

Why does every discussion
about feminism

turn into an argument
about Star Wars?

If Boba Fett's such
a great bounty hunter,

why is his armor all banged up?

It's a look,
like distressed denim.

You shouldn't be
part of a protest

if you don't care
about the cause.

Well, you care.
Why don't you come with?

Maybe I will.

Great. Bring black gloves
and no ID.

You've been Tasered
before, right?

It only hurts
until you pass out.

I'm excited;
I want to, I do, but...

there's a part of me
that's scared,

and that part is my body
and my head.

It's okay, I get it.

There's nothing wrong
with being all talk.

Us feminists need
cheerleaders, too.

So, what's up, my fellow
Ruthless Bader Ginsburgs?

What's on the a-gender
for the evening?

Your friends in the so-called
"Boys Rights Association"

have been protesting
The Krusty Show.

I told you
not to light the toys yet.

I didn't,
they just burst into flames.

Krusty caved.
He said he'd never show

another all-girl
Itchy & Scratchy ever again.

So we're gonna destroy
the master tapes

of every Itchy & Scratchy.

Wait, what? No.

I love those cartoons.

I can't let you do it.

Oh, you can't "let" us?

Don't have a lady cow.

All cows are ladies.

That thing you said about me
being all talk?

Well, I have prepared
two comebacks,

and I will now give you both.

Those girls are gonna destroy
every Itchy & Scratchy, forever!

Hey, hey, boys and boys!

Well, congratulations,

I'm never gonna air the girl
Itchy & Scratchy again.

You hit me where it hurts
the most: right in the sponsors.

Buy 'em all.

We're too late.

They're going to destroy
the tapes on live TV.

Let's get him
out of those bras and go.

Uh, no, you can leave me
like this. I'm good.

We are Bossy Riot,

and we're gonna drop all
the original Itchy & Scratchys

into a pool
of nail polish remover.

That's crazy. We have those
backed up a thousand times.

Right, Howard?

What do you do?!

Don't do it.
Those shows are funny.

Mice killing cats,
guts everywhere.

It doesn't matter
if it's boy guts or girl guts.

Guts are guts.

See, the thing
about comedy is...

Bart, stop mansplaining!

No, no, no, no,
if I keep talking,

they'll get it eventually.

The fumes are burning my eyes.

Look, they're crying,
on live TV.

Glitterize their tears.

Mama!

Don't worry, sir,
your brothers are united

in blaming this on you.

Hey, hey! Come back here!

You there, sweet innocent girls,

did you see three crazed
man-haters run through here?

Gee, Officer,
they went that way.

Thanks, princess. Thank you.

Wait a second.

Do any of you babysit?

Great. Be at my house
Saturday at 7:00.

And if Ralph asks you
to give him a bath,

do not give him a bath.

So I guess I'm not
in the group anymore.

You were never in the group.

We just kept you around
for fingerprints and DNA.

But making those boys cry
was hardcore.

You, uh, ever think
about wearing the yarn?

Me? Join you?

Can I do it?
Can I push my beliefs further

than they've ever gone?

Well, let us know.

Mask me.

So spill it, Simpson.
You were on the inside.

What's the deal with girls?

Well, check this out:
they also burp.

No way. From where?

Is that even allowed?

Let's see, what else?

They're always telling
each other they're pretty,

their bathroom candy
tastes really weird,

but there's one thing
that really crushed me.

I almost don't want
to say it out loud.

They don't envy us.

♪ Oh... ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Shh!