The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Homer Alone - full transcript
After a stressful day, Marge has a nervous breakdown and parks her car in the middle of a bridge. Marge decides to take a vacation by herself. Bart and Lisa are sent to stay with Patty and Selma, while Homer is left at home to take care of Maggie. When Maggie goes missing, Homer only just manages to find her before Marge gets home.
## The Simpsons ##
D'oh!
I am not cleaning that.
Mmm, who am I kidding?
Now, Maggie...
when you grow up...
you can suck your pacifier
all you want.
Extra mustard for Bart's...
sliced diagonally.
Light mayo for Lisa,
cut off the crust.
Double bologna for Homer...
- Mom--
- Mom--
Can you sign my--
Where's my lucky red cap?
I hate those pimento things--
I split my pants again.
Ooh! Can I have
two sandwiches?
I got a test today--
I can't eat those--
One at a time!
One at a time!
- Double bologna!
- No pimentos!
- Don't forget to make it--
- Mom, where's my--
That's enough!
There you go, Lisa--
no pimentos.
Bart, your hat's
behind the toilet.
Homer, I'll sew your pants,
but I'm out of bologna.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
D'oh!
Videos to return...
grocery list,
flea dip for the cat...
dry cleaning--
I think that's everything.
Marge, can you take...
my ball to Nick's?
A bottle cap got lodged
in the finger hole.
I'm running late.
Can't you use a ball at the alley?
Ohh, alley balls?
All right. Don't whine.
Just put it in my left hand.
Kids, hurry up or you're
going to miss your bus.
- No way.
- Never happen.
Well, I'll be damned.
Bart's making faces at me.
It's a nervous twitch,
and I'm sensitive about it...
if you don't mind.
Get... out!
Fruit leather...
Tree Fresh
imitation orange drink...
Krusty brand
duck sausage pizza--
You've got the wrong Nick's.
You want Nick's...
on the other side of town.
I don't know what
Nicky's telling you.
I haven't flushed a ball
in years.
Oh, this miserable stress headache.
Feels like there's a rat
in my brain!
It's time for
another Bill and Marty...
classic crank call.
Hello, Mr.Justin Sherman?
Yes.
Your wife is dead.
Oh, God, no!
That's right.
She just walked through
a plate glass window.
There's blood everywhere.
I just talked to her.
Bart's making faces.
Where's my red cap?
Alley balls?
Your wife is dead.
I haven't flushed a ball
in years.
Noooo!!
Lady, this better be good.
This is Arnie Pie
with Arnie in the Sky.
We've got big problems...
on the Springfield
Memorial Bridge.
Traffic going waaay back
in both directions.
And look out at 1 4th and Elm.
I just dropped my bagel.
She's locked in the car
and refuses to move.
Did you flash your lights?
Yes.
Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
All right!
A chance to catch some rays.
Come on! Come on!
I got a body in the trunk.
Mr. Genie, stop fiddling
with the buttons.
Oh! You've gotten chocolate
all over everything.
This is Kent Brockman...
reporting from Arnie Pie's
traffic 'copter...
but this is no mere
traffic report.
Hey!
Face the facts.
An overworked
and underappreciated housewife...
has parked on the bridge,
refusing to budge.
This reporter will be lowered
in the sky harness...
for an exclusive interview.
Huh?
Ow!
Hey!
Ow!
Sweetheart, what's the matter?
Not getting enough
of the good stuff?
D'oh!
Let me through.
I'm her husband.
That explains a lot.
Try to talk her
out of there...
but don't put
your lips on it.
Hello.
Hello!
Is this thing on?
Hello?!
Homer, is that you?
What should I say?
How about, ''Yes, it's me''?
Yes, it's me.
Tell her you love her.
I love you very much.
Awww.
And, uh...
later tonight,
I think you and I should, uh...
snuggle?
Ha, ha!
Uh, why don't you
just wrap it up?
I can tell something's
bothering you...
but if you come out
of that car...
I promise to do
whatever it takes...
to make it better.
Please, honey?
Okay.
Cuff her, boys!
Off the record, ma'am...
all the gals on the force...
knew just how you felt.
That's nice.
Could you loosen my cuffs?
No.
Don't worry.
She'll be cracking rocks
by the end of the week.
You glorified night watchman...
let her go!
But she broke the law.
Thanks for the civics lesson.
If Marge Simpson goes to jail...
I can kiss the chick vote
good-bye...
and if I go down,
you're breaking my fall!
Quimby, don't write checks
your butt can't cash.
Hear me, Wiggum,
you bite me, I'll bite back.
You talk the talk, Quimby,
but do you walk the walk?
I hereby declare today
to be Marge Simpson day...
in the city of Springfield.
They're like seals--
toss 'em a fish...
and watch 'em slap
their fins together.
Well, all's well
that ends well.
Good night, Marge.
Many years ago...
the Spanish explorers discovered
their piece of heaven...
nestled
in the Springfield Mountains.
They called it Rancho Relaxo...
and so do we.
Today, it's Springfield's
only two-star health spa.
Swim, play tennis...
or just sit
and stare at the walls.
At Rancho Relaxo,
you're the boss.
Remember, you can't spell Relaxo
without relax.
Homer?
- Homer!
- What?
I need a vacation.
What?!
But, Marge,
we just had a vacation.
Remember Mystic Caverns?
I need to unwind.
I know you do, Marge...
but you know what
our vacations are like.
Those three monsters
in the backseat--
''Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?''
And I'm no day
at the beach either.
'' Marge, can I have
another sandwich?
Marge, can I have
another sandwich?''
No, I mean...
a vacation by myself.
What?!
You mean we're getting
a divorce?
Marge, I can change.
No, Homie, no.
I still love you.
A lot of couples
take separate vacations.
Well, okay...
but you have to swear
you're coming back.
I swear.
All right, then.
Thanks for taking
the children while I'm away.
Don't worry yourself.
We've got six months
of maternity leave...
we'll never use anyway.
Homer, bring Maggie out.
Wish I'd thought of that.
She's starting to give.
Homer, if Maggie...
doesn't want to leave the house...
maybe she should just stay with you.
Are you sure that's wise?
He'll probably trade her...
for a beer and a nudie magazine.
For your information,
I can take care of my--
See? Got her on the first bounce.
All aboard for Shelbyville,
Badwater...
Cattle Skull Testing Grounds,
and Rancho Relaxo.
Good-bye, Homie.
Good-bye?
Where's my clean underwear?
Check the dryer.
How often should I change Maggie?
Whenever she needs it.
Marge, how do I use
the pressure cooker?
Don't!
Restful, easy listening.
Coming up next...
a super-set of songs about clouds.
Hmm?
Hello, Maggie.
Sorry, honey.
Mommy went crazy...
and went far, far away...
so it's going to be
just you and me for a while.
Just you and me.
You haven't touched
your tongue sandwiches.
Are you thirsty?
We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb,
and soy milk.
That's all right.
I think I'll just hit the hay.
It's 1 2:30 in the afternoon.
I'm aware of the time.
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.
Bart, you'll sleep with Aunt Patty.
- In your bed?
- Uh-huh.
And I should warn you...
I'm told I snore.
Ooh, Divorce Court is on
in 1 5 minutes!
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear?
Well, I've seen them naked.
Oh, hello...
and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.
I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me
from such films as...
Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die,
and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.
But today you'll see me
in my greatest role--
your video tour guide
to Rancho Relaxo.
Our tour starts in your own room...
where Relaxo-vision offers you
the latest Hollywood hits...
and after midnight...
the finest '' R'' rated movies
Europe has to offer.
Ooh-la-la!
Today's selections are:
Chef Roderigo,
what are you up to?
Taste for yourself, Troy.
Mm-mm-mmm!
That can't be good for me.
It tastes too good.
That's where you're wrong.
This whole pot is only 1 4 calories.
Oh, Gregory...
where have you been all my life?
Feeling tense?
Uh-huh.
Then just push nine...
on your phone...
then the pound sign,
then 4-8-3.
We'll do the rest.
Come on, Maggie.
Nummy-nummy-num.
Mmm-mm!
Mmm. Strained peas.
[ To Tune Of'' Rule Brittania'' ]
# Shakespeare's fried chicken #
# Come gorge yourself today... #
# Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah,
la, la, la... #
D'oh! Let go!
Mmmmm...
ohh... ahh...
Marge, it's times like this...
I'm glad I flunked out
of that Mexican med school.
Hi, Barney.
Thanks for keeping me company.
No problem.
Well, well.
If it isn't little Bart.
Remember your Uncle Barney?
Hey, Homer, let me hold him.
All right,
but just be careful.
Whoa! Someone smells stinky.
Oh, it's me.
Bart...
you shouldn't be looking...
through other people's things.
Find anything good?
I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Ay, caramba.!
Hey, Lis, bang, bang!
Aw, Bart...
that's a blackhead gun!
Eww!
Best MacGyver ever.
Mm-hmm.
Richard Dean Anderson
will be in my dreams tonight.
## Go to sleep ##
#And good night #
# La-da-da-da, da-da-da #
# Dee-dee-dee #
# Dee-dee-dee #
# May your Christmas days be nice #
Good night, my little pork chop.
Oh, Maggie?
Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding.
Heh, heh, heh.
Maggie?
Maggie?
Maggie?!
Oh... hoo...
Maggie!
Oh, man.
You want a bad night?
Try sleeping...
on one of these.
I've lost a baby.
It's the worst thing
I've ever done.
Don't worry.
You know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going to make you an omelet.
Just help me look.
Are you sure?
I make them
with two kinds of cheese.
Homer, I think I've got her.
Come on!
Barney, you'll pull her arm off!.
The sooner I get her out...
the sooner we can have omelets.
Hmm, so, what's the verdict?
Oh, dear God.
I can't even put a bag
over my head.
Yes, you can.
I'd like the Department
of Missing Babies.
Please hold.
Hmm, I guess
I've done everything.
By now you've seen
what Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
but remember, we...
can't tell you
how to have a good time.
You have to tell us.
Oh.
As I said...
to Delores Montenegro
in Calling All Quakers...
'' Have it your way, baby.''
Hello, room service?
This is Marge Simpson.
I'd like a hot fudge sundae
with whipped cream...
and some
chocolate chip cheesecake...
and a bottle of tequila.
Let's get out of here, Thelma.
Okay, Louise.
What do you want?
I came to see the kids.
Wait here...
and don't steal any light bulbs.
Hmm...
- Dad!
- Dad!
Hey, kids.
You haven't seen Maggie
around, have you?
- Hmm-mm.
- Hmm-mm.
Oh! Well, I got to go.
Come on, kids.
It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
Hello, gov'nor.
Lube job while you wait?
Don't touch me.
Yello.
Hi, Homie.
I feel much better.
Listen, Marge... uh...
how would you feel
if I told you the dog ran away?
Homer, that's awful.
Oh. Well, I got good news.
The dog didn't run away.
Well, good.
I'm coming home, honey.
You can pick me up in an hour...
and bring the kids.
Bye.
D'oh!
Please, don't jump.
I know you're going through
some tough times...
but you have your whole life
ahead of you.
Well, Marge...
Maggie was very young.
It's not like we got
so attached to her.
No.
Marge, isn't life funny?
One day, they're babies...
the next thing you know,
they're off on their own.
Did you report a lost baby?
Yes.
Describe her.
Uh, she's small...
she's a girl--
Bingo!
Oh, Maggie!
Not so fast.
You're wanted on three counts
of criminal neglect.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Shucks.
Just don't do it again,
you big lug.
You're not going anywhere.
Hi! Did you miss me?
Never leave again! Never leave again!
Never leave again.
I missed you too.
From now on,
I hope you'll help me out.
You got it, sweetheart.
You have enough blanket?
Well, I could use a little more.
And sometimes,
I want a little time to myself...
and I expect you--
Mom...
I think I speak...
for everyone in this bed...
when I say you have
nothing to worry about.
Now, let's just try and get...
a little shut-eye.
Shh!
D'oh!
I am not cleaning that.
Mmm, who am I kidding?
Now, Maggie...
when you grow up...
you can suck your pacifier
all you want.
Extra mustard for Bart's...
sliced diagonally.
Light mayo for Lisa,
cut off the crust.
Double bologna for Homer...
- Mom--
- Mom--
Can you sign my--
Where's my lucky red cap?
I hate those pimento things--
I split my pants again.
Ooh! Can I have
two sandwiches?
I got a test today--
I can't eat those--
One at a time!
One at a time!
- Double bologna!
- No pimentos!
- Don't forget to make it--
- Mom, where's my--
That's enough!
There you go, Lisa--
no pimentos.
Bart, your hat's
behind the toilet.
Homer, I'll sew your pants,
but I'm out of bologna.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
D'oh!
Videos to return...
grocery list,
flea dip for the cat...
dry cleaning--
I think that's everything.
Marge, can you take...
my ball to Nick's?
A bottle cap got lodged
in the finger hole.
I'm running late.
Can't you use a ball at the alley?
Ohh, alley balls?
All right. Don't whine.
Just put it in my left hand.
Kids, hurry up or you're
going to miss your bus.
- No way.
- Never happen.
Well, I'll be damned.
Bart's making faces at me.
It's a nervous twitch,
and I'm sensitive about it...
if you don't mind.
Get... out!
Fruit leather...
Tree Fresh
imitation orange drink...
Krusty brand
duck sausage pizza--
You've got the wrong Nick's.
You want Nick's...
on the other side of town.
I don't know what
Nicky's telling you.
I haven't flushed a ball
in years.
Oh, this miserable stress headache.
Feels like there's a rat
in my brain!
It's time for
another Bill and Marty...
classic crank call.
Hello, Mr.Justin Sherman?
Yes.
Your wife is dead.
Oh, God, no!
That's right.
She just walked through
a plate glass window.
There's blood everywhere.
I just talked to her.
Bart's making faces.
Where's my red cap?
Alley balls?
Your wife is dead.
I haven't flushed a ball
in years.
Noooo!!
Lady, this better be good.
This is Arnie Pie
with Arnie in the Sky.
We've got big problems...
on the Springfield
Memorial Bridge.
Traffic going waaay back
in both directions.
And look out at 1 4th and Elm.
I just dropped my bagel.
She's locked in the car
and refuses to move.
Did you flash your lights?
Yes.
Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
All right!
A chance to catch some rays.
Come on! Come on!
I got a body in the trunk.
Mr. Genie, stop fiddling
with the buttons.
Oh! You've gotten chocolate
all over everything.
This is Kent Brockman...
reporting from Arnie Pie's
traffic 'copter...
but this is no mere
traffic report.
Hey!
Face the facts.
An overworked
and underappreciated housewife...
has parked on the bridge,
refusing to budge.
This reporter will be lowered
in the sky harness...
for an exclusive interview.
Huh?
Ow!
Hey!
Ow!
Sweetheart, what's the matter?
Not getting enough
of the good stuff?
D'oh!
Let me through.
I'm her husband.
That explains a lot.
Try to talk her
out of there...
but don't put
your lips on it.
Hello.
Hello!
Is this thing on?
Hello?!
Homer, is that you?
What should I say?
How about, ''Yes, it's me''?
Yes, it's me.
Tell her you love her.
I love you very much.
Awww.
And, uh...
later tonight,
I think you and I should, uh...
snuggle?
Ha, ha!
Uh, why don't you
just wrap it up?
I can tell something's
bothering you...
but if you come out
of that car...
I promise to do
whatever it takes...
to make it better.
Please, honey?
Okay.
Cuff her, boys!
Off the record, ma'am...
all the gals on the force...
knew just how you felt.
That's nice.
Could you loosen my cuffs?
No.
Don't worry.
She'll be cracking rocks
by the end of the week.
You glorified night watchman...
let her go!
But she broke the law.
Thanks for the civics lesson.
If Marge Simpson goes to jail...
I can kiss the chick vote
good-bye...
and if I go down,
you're breaking my fall!
Quimby, don't write checks
your butt can't cash.
Hear me, Wiggum,
you bite me, I'll bite back.
You talk the talk, Quimby,
but do you walk the walk?
I hereby declare today
to be Marge Simpson day...
in the city of Springfield.
They're like seals--
toss 'em a fish...
and watch 'em slap
their fins together.
Well, all's well
that ends well.
Good night, Marge.
Many years ago...
the Spanish explorers discovered
their piece of heaven...
nestled
in the Springfield Mountains.
They called it Rancho Relaxo...
and so do we.
Today, it's Springfield's
only two-star health spa.
Swim, play tennis...
or just sit
and stare at the walls.
At Rancho Relaxo,
you're the boss.
Remember, you can't spell Relaxo
without relax.
Homer?
- Homer!
- What?
I need a vacation.
What?!
But, Marge,
we just had a vacation.
Remember Mystic Caverns?
I need to unwind.
I know you do, Marge...
but you know what
our vacations are like.
Those three monsters
in the backseat--
''Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?''
And I'm no day
at the beach either.
'' Marge, can I have
another sandwich?
Marge, can I have
another sandwich?''
No, I mean...
a vacation by myself.
What?!
You mean we're getting
a divorce?
Marge, I can change.
No, Homie, no.
I still love you.
A lot of couples
take separate vacations.
Well, okay...
but you have to swear
you're coming back.
I swear.
All right, then.
Thanks for taking
the children while I'm away.
Don't worry yourself.
We've got six months
of maternity leave...
we'll never use anyway.
Homer, bring Maggie out.
Wish I'd thought of that.
She's starting to give.
Homer, if Maggie...
doesn't want to leave the house...
maybe she should just stay with you.
Are you sure that's wise?
He'll probably trade her...
for a beer and a nudie magazine.
For your information,
I can take care of my--
See? Got her on the first bounce.
All aboard for Shelbyville,
Badwater...
Cattle Skull Testing Grounds,
and Rancho Relaxo.
Good-bye, Homie.
Good-bye?
Where's my clean underwear?
Check the dryer.
How often should I change Maggie?
Whenever she needs it.
Marge, how do I use
the pressure cooker?
Don't!
Restful, easy listening.
Coming up next...
a super-set of songs about clouds.
Hmm?
Hello, Maggie.
Sorry, honey.
Mommy went crazy...
and went far, far away...
so it's going to be
just you and me for a while.
Just you and me.
You haven't touched
your tongue sandwiches.
Are you thirsty?
We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb,
and soy milk.
That's all right.
I think I'll just hit the hay.
It's 1 2:30 in the afternoon.
I'm aware of the time.
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.
Bart, you'll sleep with Aunt Patty.
- In your bed?
- Uh-huh.
And I should warn you...
I'm told I snore.
Ooh, Divorce Court is on
in 1 5 minutes!
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear?
Well, I've seen them naked.
Oh, hello...
and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.
I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me
from such films as...
Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die,
and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.
But today you'll see me
in my greatest role--
your video tour guide
to Rancho Relaxo.
Our tour starts in your own room...
where Relaxo-vision offers you
the latest Hollywood hits...
and after midnight...
the finest '' R'' rated movies
Europe has to offer.
Ooh-la-la!
Today's selections are:
Chef Roderigo,
what are you up to?
Taste for yourself, Troy.
Mm-mm-mmm!
That can't be good for me.
It tastes too good.
That's where you're wrong.
This whole pot is only 1 4 calories.
Oh, Gregory...
where have you been all my life?
Feeling tense?
Uh-huh.
Then just push nine...
on your phone...
then the pound sign,
then 4-8-3.
We'll do the rest.
Come on, Maggie.
Nummy-nummy-num.
Mmm-mm!
Mmm. Strained peas.
[ To Tune Of'' Rule Brittania'' ]
# Shakespeare's fried chicken #
# Come gorge yourself today... #
# Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah,
la, la, la... #
D'oh! Let go!
Mmmmm...
ohh... ahh...
Marge, it's times like this...
I'm glad I flunked out
of that Mexican med school.
Hi, Barney.
Thanks for keeping me company.
No problem.
Well, well.
If it isn't little Bart.
Remember your Uncle Barney?
Hey, Homer, let me hold him.
All right,
but just be careful.
Whoa! Someone smells stinky.
Oh, it's me.
Bart...
you shouldn't be looking...
through other people's things.
Find anything good?
I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Ay, caramba.!
Hey, Lis, bang, bang!
Aw, Bart...
that's a blackhead gun!
Eww!
Best MacGyver ever.
Mm-hmm.
Richard Dean Anderson
will be in my dreams tonight.
## Go to sleep ##
#And good night #
# La-da-da-da, da-da-da #
# Dee-dee-dee #
# Dee-dee-dee #
# May your Christmas days be nice #
Good night, my little pork chop.
Oh, Maggie?
Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding.
Heh, heh, heh.
Maggie?
Maggie?
Maggie?!
Oh... hoo...
Maggie!
Oh, man.
You want a bad night?
Try sleeping...
on one of these.
I've lost a baby.
It's the worst thing
I've ever done.
Don't worry.
You know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going to make you an omelet.
Just help me look.
Are you sure?
I make them
with two kinds of cheese.
Homer, I think I've got her.
Come on!
Barney, you'll pull her arm off!.
The sooner I get her out...
the sooner we can have omelets.
Hmm, so, what's the verdict?
Oh, dear God.
I can't even put a bag
over my head.
Yes, you can.
I'd like the Department
of Missing Babies.
Please hold.
Hmm, I guess
I've done everything.
By now you've seen
what Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
but remember, we...
can't tell you
how to have a good time.
You have to tell us.
Oh.
As I said...
to Delores Montenegro
in Calling All Quakers...
'' Have it your way, baby.''
Hello, room service?
This is Marge Simpson.
I'd like a hot fudge sundae
with whipped cream...
and some
chocolate chip cheesecake...
and a bottle of tequila.
Let's get out of here, Thelma.
Okay, Louise.
What do you want?
I came to see the kids.
Wait here...
and don't steal any light bulbs.
Hmm...
- Dad!
- Dad!
Hey, kids.
You haven't seen Maggie
around, have you?
- Hmm-mm.
- Hmm-mm.
Oh! Well, I got to go.
Come on, kids.
It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
Hello, gov'nor.
Lube job while you wait?
Don't touch me.
Yello.
Hi, Homie.
I feel much better.
Listen, Marge... uh...
how would you feel
if I told you the dog ran away?
Homer, that's awful.
Oh. Well, I got good news.
The dog didn't run away.
Well, good.
I'm coming home, honey.
You can pick me up in an hour...
and bring the kids.
Bye.
D'oh!
Please, don't jump.
I know you're going through
some tough times...
but you have your whole life
ahead of you.
Well, Marge...
Maggie was very young.
It's not like we got
so attached to her.
No.
Marge, isn't life funny?
One day, they're babies...
the next thing you know,
they're off on their own.
Did you report a lost baby?
Yes.
Describe her.
Uh, she's small...
she's a girl--
Bingo!
Oh, Maggie!
Not so fast.
You're wanted on three counts
of criminal neglect.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Shucks.
Just don't do it again,
you big lug.
You're not going anywhere.
Hi! Did you miss me?
Never leave again! Never leave again!
Never leave again.
I missed you too.
From now on,
I hope you'll help me out.
You got it, sweetheart.
You have enough blanket?
Well, I could use a little more.
And sometimes,
I want a little time to myself...
and I expect you--
Mom...
I think I speak...
for everyone in this bed...
when I say you have
nothing to worry about.
Now, let's just try and get...
a little shut-eye.
Shh!