The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Bart the Lover - full transcript

After Mrs. Krabappel gives Bart a month of detention, he gets his revenge by responding to her newspaper singles ad. Meanwhile, Marge suggests Homer to start a swear jar to stop him cursing.

## The Simpsons ##

D'oh!

Hey, what gives?

You said you wanted
a world without zinc,Jimmy.

Well, now your car
has no battery.

I'm supposed to pick Betty up.

I better give her a call.

Sorry,Jimmy.

Without zinc
for the rotary mechanism

there are no telephones.

Dear God.



What have I done?

Think again,Jimmy.

The firing pin
in your gun was made of...

yup... zinc.

Come back, zinc.

Come back.

Come back.

Zinc, come back.

Zinc!

Zinc, zinc!

What?

Oh, it was all a dream.

Thank goodness I still live
in a world of telephones

car batteries, handguns,
and many things



made of zinc.

Gross! He's picking his nose.

Hmph!

If anyone wants to learn
more about zinc

they're welcome to stay.

We can talk about anything.

I'll do your homework
for you.

''Chef Lonely Heart's

soup for one.''

One scratch and win,
Apu.

I haven't seen you

since we doubled
our prices.

Still teaching?

Let's see.

One more day at least.

Bingo, bango,
sugar in the gas tank.

Your ex-husband
strikes again.

Mm...

Mm...

Hmm?

Apersonal ad?

Why not?

It might be fun.

Kind of a lark.

Come on, come on.

Answer the phone.

I need a man!

Ow, my eyeball!

Enough, people.

People?

All right.

You know, I can wait
just as long as you.

Knock it off!.

Now, boys and girls

let's welcome
our very special guest

Ted Carpenter from
the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company.

Kids, this is a yo-yo.

Kind of dull, huh?

Not much competition
for a video game...

or is it?

Presenting

the Twirl King champions!

Mr. Amazing!...

Sparkle!...

She's beautiful.

Zero Gravity!...

The Cobra!

These guys must be millionaires.

I'll bet they get
all kinds of girls.

I question the value
of this assembly.

It will be
a pleasant memory

when they're pumping gas
for a living.

Now, for our next stunt,
what do you say

we get your principal
up here?

Ooh... careful now.

That one grazed my ear.

Don't move.

You could really get hurt.

Oh.

How much do those cost?

I don't care.

Wow!

Thanks, Sparkle.

Wait.

This isn't you.

That's the old Sparkle.

Get your worthless butts
in the van.

We got three more schools.

Let's go, go, go!

That's your trick?

No. Here's my trick.
Hoowah!

Whoa!
Whoa!

Thank you.

Marge, come here.

Can you believe it?

Soon, I'll be able
to quit my job

and live off the boy.

Name me one person

who's gotten rich
by doing yo-yo tricks.

Donald Trump? No.

Arnold Palmer? No.

Bill Cosby? No.

D'oh!

''After two months at sea

the Pilgrims were running out
of food and water.''

Did they have yo-yos?

No, they did not have yo-yos.

''When they landed

they were greeted
by the Wompanog Indians.''

Did the Indians have yo-yos?

No, they did not have yo-yos!

I am sick and tired

of talking about yo-yos.

I will not accept
any book reports

science projects, dioramas

or anything else on yo-yos.

Am I making myself
clear?

Yo.

Hey, Bart

got any new tricks
for us today?

Just one.

A little something I call
''Plucking the Pickle.''

I build up a little steam,
and...

I didn't do it.

Don't worry
about your wee fish, lass.

They're going to a better place.

That's one month's
detention.

Mrs. Krabappel, we're all upset

by the untimely deaths
of Stinky and Wrinkles

but life goes on.

So, if I could have
my yo-yo back...

If you were me

would you give back
the yo-yo?

Here you go...
Just kidding.

Here you go...

Just kidding.

Well, would you?

Absolutely.

P-hih!

What's eating you,
woman?

Your ad said
you wanted a man.

You got yourself
a hummm-dinger.

I guess I expected

something different
from your photo.

Just because there's
a little snow on the roof...

I forget how the rest
of that goes.

One month's detention.

She'll pay for this.

Yup, there's your problem.

Someone jammed
a Malibu Stacy head down here.

Edna, happy hour
in the teachers' lounge.

Just a sec.

Hmm.

Huh?

''One plus one equals two?''

''Write Edna K. Box 402.''

Hmm.

Dear Edna...

I never answered
a personal ad before

but I found yours irresistible.

My name is...

... Woodrow.

I like holding hands

and dinner by candlelight

and oh,yes,
I really hate yo-yos.

Oh, Woodrow!

Maybe we should
let the dog in.

Marge, dogs love the outdoors.

I think he needs a doghouse.

What can you do?

I bet we could buy
a nice doghouse for $50.

Marge, you're a tool
of the doghouse makers.

I am not.

Yes, you are.

You've been brainwashed

by all those doghouse
commercials on TV.

I know. I'll build
him a doghouse.

Oh, I don't know.

Don't worry.

I drew up a little blueprint.

Let me walk you through it.

This is a door.

He goes through that.

This is a roof.

And this happy character here
is the sun.

He shines down on the house.

How was detention today?

Oh, not bad.

I'm starting to get the hang
of the floor waxer.

Yes!

''Dear Woodrow,you're not like

the other men I've met. ''

I'm the 28th president
of the United States.

''I've had some bad experiences
with these ads.

I'd like to learn more
about you, so write soon.

Here's a photo that will
get your pencil moving. ''

You've got a date
with the Xerox machine.

Stupid lumber.

Damn it!

D'oh! I--

Oh, the hell
with this!

A fellow came in asking
for change for a dollar.

I gave him three quarters
by mistake.

Took me the whole afternoon
to find him.

Todd, would you like
mixed vegetables?

Hell no.

What did you say?

I don't want
any damn vegetables.

All right. No Bible stories
for you tonight.

Weren't you
a little hard on him?

Well, you knew
I had a temper

when you married me.

Ned Flanders
is on the phone.

Oh, if this is about
that stupid quarter again, I--

Hello, Ned.

Sorry to bother you,
Reverend Lovejoy.

Our son Todd just told us

he didn't want to eat
his damn vegetables.

You know kids and vegetables.

Was it asparagus?

No, no, Reverend.

The point is he said a bad word.

Oh. Oh, right.

Well, kids usually pick
these things up from someplace.

Find out who's doing it,
and direct them to the Bible.

Where in the Bible?

Uh... page 900.

But, Reverend...

Damn Flanders.

Hey, Lise,
a moment of your time.

Yeah?

Suppose I was writing
a second letter to a girl

and I already used up
my ''A'' material.

Ooh, could it be
there's a special someone

you're not
telling me about?

Is it Teri?

No.

Sheri?

No!

That girl

with the lazy eye?

No.

That exchange student Mix!pa?

No! It's not for me.

It's... homework.

Sure it is.

Hey, Bart,
let's do some homework.

Golly, Sergeant Carter,
I can't fix yourjeep

but maybe this
will make it up to you.

[ Deep Baritone ]
## Galveston, oh, Galveston ##

Is this all he watches?

He used to watch
Davy and Goliath

but he thought the idea
of a talking dog

was blasphemous.

Mom, did you save
Dad's love letters?

Of course I saved them.

Well, actually,
there's only one

and it's more

of a love postcard
from some brewery he visited.

''Maybe it's the beer talking

but you've got a butt
that won't quit.

They got these big,
chewy pretzels here... ''

''...Five dollars?.!
Get outta here. ''

Wow, a side of Dad
I've never seen!

Penny for your thoughts,
Miss K.

I was just thinking...

You wouldn't
be interested.

Try me.
It helps to talk.

Well, I was just wishing
I could meet a man

who likes the way I look
first thing in the morning.

- Laughs at my jokes.
- Uh-huh.

- Can fix my car.
- Oh, yeah.

''Dear Edna,your photo
took my breath away.

Truly,yours is a butt
that won't quit.

Yesterday morning

I put your picture up
in my garage

to inspire me while I
gapped my spark plugs. ''

At last,
we've built the mission.

Finally, the villagers
have a place to pray.

# Bringing in the sheaves #

# Bringing in the sheaves #

#We shall come rejoicing ##

Well, he's not getting it
from his brother

that's for darn sure.

Damn crappy nails.!

Super glue, my butt.!

D'oh! You bas..!

Hit it..! Shot..! D'oh!

Homer?

What is it, Flanders?

I'm afraid I have a bone
to pick with you.

If it's about your camcorder,
I lost it, okay?

No, I came to talk to you
about your... potty mouth.

What the hell

are you talking about?

All of us pull a few boners
now and then--

Go off half-cocked,
make asses of ourselves.

I don't want
to be hard on you

but I wish you wouldn't curse
in front of my boys.

Oh, come on now, Flanders.

I don't complain about your...

moustache.

What's wrong with my moustache?

Uh, it makes you look like
you got something to hide.

What?

People are talking.

Lots of people.

Okay, mister

you've got a deal.

I'll shave off
the soup-strainer

if you give the sailor talk
the old heave-ho.

Aye, aye... Admiral Butthead.

We now return to Two for Tunisia
on Colorization Theater.

Ah, my love.

A million poets could try
for a million years

and still describe but
three-eighths of your beauty.

Whoa, slow down, Frenchy.

This stuff is gold.

''A million poets working
for a million years...''

You're so lucky.

When are you
going to meet him?

First, I ask him
to send a photo.

If he's got everything
where it should be

I'm reeling him in.

Strap on your skates, Gordie.

You're going in.

Hey, Marge, do you want to hear

something funny?

Flanders thinks
I swear too much.

Marge, you're not laughing.

Well, maybe he's right.

Well, what a surprise.

Marge sticks up
for Flanders.

Can we have
a conversation

where you don't bring up
your hero Ned Flanders?

Homer, you brought up
Ned Flanders.

Maybe I do curse a little

but that's the way God made me,
and I'm too old to stop now.

No, you're not.

After the navy, my father
used to curse a blue streak.

It almost cost him his job
as a baby photographer

so my mom put a swear jar
in the kitchen.

Every time he said
a bad word

he put in a quarter.

Well, Marge

self-improvement has always
been a passion of mine.

Bring on the swear jar.

Do I have to pay if I
hit my hand with a hammer?

Yes, Homer.

If I catch fire?

No, Homer.

If I see something weird?

Yes, Homer.

What about when we snuggle?

Hmm...
That's okay.

''Dear Woodrow,
it's time for us to meet.

Why don't we go out to dinner?

After, we'll go to my apartment
for some home cookin'. ''

Huh?

Ay, caramba.!

''Hungrily yours, Edna. ''

Well, she's dangled

on the line long enough.

It's time to boat this bass.

''When I read your letters,
I feel as if you are right here

watching me. ''

Bart! Eyes down.

Yes, ma'am.

''Every second until we meet

stabs me
like a thousand needles.

Join me at the Gilded Truffle
Saturday at 8::00.

Perhaps later
we will smooch up a storm.

Sexily yours, Woody. ''

Huh?

Oh, I can't help but feel
partly responsible.

Homer,
that was a 20.

Da..!

Oh, you son..!

Homer, I owe you one, buddy.

No sooner had I shaved off
the old cookie duster

than a lady cast me
in a commercial.

These checks keep coming--
It's criminal.

You dirty bast..!

What do you think,
Lisa?

How's the dog
supposed to get in?

Well, he just goes...

Ohh!

Oh, Woodrow,
how could you stand me up?

Mrs. K.,
you don't need him.

There are plenty
of good men around.

Name one.

What's wrong
with Principal Skinner?

Seymour? Hmph.

Let's just say his mommy
won't let him out to play.

What about Coach Fortner?

Glug, glug, glug, glug...

Wow.

What about groundskeeper Willy?

Ugh! I won't even tell you
what that guy's into.

Bart, you are the closest
thing to a man in my life

and that's so depressing
I think I'm to cry.

Aah..!

Oh, fudge... That's broken.

Fiddle-dee-dee.

That will require
a tetanus shot.

I'm not going to swear

but I am going

to kick this doghouse down!

Dad, this is not
a commentary on your skills

but we bought you
a new doghouse.

With what money?

There was plenty
in the swear jar

and inside the doghouse,
there's a little surprise.

Maggie.

Oh, cute.

No, behind her.

Beer!

How did you know?

Where's Maggie?

Where's Maggie?

There's Maggie!

Mom, this is a little
ahead of schedule

but I need help
with my love life.

Oh, my special little guy
has a sweetheart.

I knew it!

Who's your girlfriend?

Mrs. Krabappel.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Bart, this is your teacher?

I'll start going
to parents' night.

Homer!

You did a cruel thing.

Boy, you've got to go
to your teacher

and tell her
the truth.

No, that would
humiliate her.

I thought that's what you
wanted to hear.

Let's write her
another letter

that says good-bye,
but let's her feel loved.

Step aside, everyone.

Sensitive love letters
are my specialty.

''Dear baby,
Welcome to Dumpville.

Population: You.''

We'll all help.

''Though I'll be inoculating
babies in Kampuchea

my heart is with you.''

That sucks.

How about ''Crocodiles
bit off my face''?

That's disgusting,
and besides

when a woman loves a man,
that wouldn't matter.

I may hold you
to that, Marge.

''I cannot see you
for the next five years

for I will be farming
the ocean floor.''

''I must finish
this letter quickly

for I have only
four minutes to live.''

Three simple worlds:
''I am gay.''

Homer, for the last time,
I am not putting that.

''And anytime I hear
the wind blow

it will whisper
the name... Edna. ''

Oh, that's
very good, Lisa.

''P.S.: I am gay.''

How shall we end it?

How about, ''With a love that
will echo through the ages.''

Aww.
Ooh!

That's sweet.

Homer, you old
honey dripper.

Why, you little...
Hee, hee.

Huh?

Wait!

Wait!

''Dearest Edna,
I must leave you.

Why? I cannot say.

Where? You cannot know.

How I will get there

I haven't decided yet.

But one thing I can tell you

any time I hear the wind blow

it will whisper
the name... Edna. ''

Ohh..!

Bart, it's such
a nice day today.

Let's have detention
outside.

It's a date.

- Shh!