The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Lisa the Greek - full transcript
Homer uses Lisa (and her prognostic skills) to help him bet on football games.
####Ahh, the Simpsons
D'oh!
Bret Councilman here...
on week eight
of the N.F.L. season.
Now stay tuned for six hours
of exciting football action.
Well, bye-bye belt.
Homer, all those fatty...
deep-fried,
heavily-salted snacks...
can't be good
for your heart.
My heart is just fine.
A little beer
will put out that fire.
Now with the specs
for today's games...
the man who's right...
52% of the time,
Smooth Jimmy Apollo.
Our first game today,
Denver and New England...
is too close to call.
Oh...
But if you're
the compulsive type...
who just has to bet...
Well, I don't know.
Mmm... Denver!
Woo-whoo!
Denver! Yeah!
Moe's Tavern...
where the peanut bowl
is freshened hourly.
Moe, I'd like to bet $20
on Denver.
I think I can provide
that service.
Chief Wiggum,
could you hand me...
that little black book?
Sure thing, Moe.
I was using it
as a coaster.
$20 on Denver.
Pleasure doing business...
H.S.
All right, Denver,
justify my love.
At the end of 1 3 seconds...
it's New England seven,
Denver nothing.
D'oh!
Look, Dad.
I made an apartment...
for my Malibu Stacy doll.
This is a kitchen.
This is where she prints
her feminist newsletter.
Dad, you're not listening to me!
Lousy, stupid Denver.
Mmm!
Oh, look at that,
a shoe box house.
Lisa, you're so clever.
Why isn't Dad
interested...
in anything I do?
Do you ever take an interest
in anything he does?
No... Well, we used
to have burping contests...
but I outgrew it.
If you want to get closer
to him...
maybe you should bridge the gap.
I do it all the time.
I pretend
I'm interested in power tools...
going to silly
car-chase movies...
and things I'll tell you
when you're older.
Do you understand?
I think so.
- Bart!
- What?
Oh, look at that.
Why did you do that?
Wouldn't it be fun...
if we watched the game
together?
Uh...
okay.
Just don't say anything,
and sit down over there.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Lisa, I can't hear
the announcer.
He said
Denver fumbled.
D'oh!
See you in hell, soldier boy.
- Bart?
- Yeah, Mom?
While your father and Lisa
watch the game...
it might be fun
if we went clothes shopping.
Mom, I'd love to,
but I don't need new clothes.
Oh, really?
Even though
I'd love to spend...
this sunny afternoon
trying on clothes, it's not...
Folks, when you're right
52% of the time...
you're wrong 48% of the time.
Why didn't you
say that before?!
Okay, you're off the hook.
Any thoughts
on Miami-Cincinnati?
I certainly do, Bret.
I hereby declare Miami...
to be Smooth Jimmy's
'Lock of the Week.'
Ooh, that's a big lock.
I just don't trust that guy.
In the Cincinnati-Miami game...
I declare Cincinnati
my 'Shoe-in of the Week.'
They both make a good case.
After evaluating
millions of pieces of data...
in the blink of an eye...
the Gamble-Tron 2000 says
the winner is... Cincinnati...
by 200 points?!
Why, you worthless hunk of junk!
- You want this, don't you?
- Yeah!
You need the winners,
and I know them.
So call me now.
$5 for the first minute,
$2 for additional minutes.
You... have reached...
the Coach's...
Hot...
Line.
line.
Lay it on me, Coach.
In the game of...
Mi-am-i...
Mm-hmm.
versus Cin...
Cincinnati.
- cin...
- Cincinnati.
- na...
- Cincinnati.
- ti...
- Come on!
Don't you realize
this is costing me money?
we must consider... many things.
The wind...
D'oh, not the wind!
is blowing out of the...
west...
at five...
Miles per hour.
knots.
This is ridiculous!
Lisa, who do you think
will win--
the Bengals or the Dolphins?
I don't know.
The Dolphins?
Good, good.
Moe, $50
on the Miami Dolphins.
50 beans on Miami.
Homer, I got a call
on the other line.
It's me, Mr. K.
What will it be?
Put me down for $7 00
on the Rams.
Put Sideshow down
for two grand.
Mom, I'm tired.
I want to go home.
Can't I just lie down
for a minute?
Bart, I think
you'd look very sharp...
in this shirt.
Fine. Get it. Let's go.
No, no, no.
You have to try it on.
Ooh, this one's 50% off.
That's because people
who wear them get beaten up.
Well, anyone who would do that
isn't your friend.
This looks good...
and this one
is very, very cute...
and these...
Oh, look, little bow ties!
And don't make
that face at me.
How did you know?
Touchdown, Dolphins!
All right, Dolphins!
All right, Dolphins!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
50 big ones!
50 big ones?
Uh-oh.
Daddy's friend Moe promised...
to give him $50
if the Dolphins won.
You made a bet?
I wouldn't call it a bet.
It's a little thing
daddies do...
to make football
more exciting.
What could
be more exciting...
than the savage ballet
of pro football?
Well, you know.
You like ice cream,
don't you?
Don't you like
ice cream better...
when it's covered
with hot fudge...
and mounds of whipped cream,
chopped nuts...
and those crumbled-up
cookie things they mash up?
Mmm...
crumbled-up cookie things.
So gambling makes a good thing
even better?
That's right!
My God...
it's like there's
some kind of bond between us.
Hmm?
Mm-hmm.
We've got a troublemaker
in booth eight.
There's a code red
in booth three.
My God!
Those aren't the socks...
she came in with.
Let's move.
- Bart?
- In here, Mom.
Don't open...
You could use
some new underwear too.
Look at that stupid kid!
- Three!
- Three!
- Two!
- Two!
- One!
- One!
And the final
from Riverfront Stadium:
Miami 2 4, Cincinnati 1 0.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Mom sure will be happy
you won $50.
You'd think that...
but your mother
has this crazy idea...
that gambling is wrong...
even though they say it's okay
in the Bible.
Really? Where?
Uh... somewhere in the back.
The point is,
we had a great time today.
To keep it that way...
let's not tell your mother
about our little wager, okay?
Okay, Dad.
Did you two
have fun?
You bet.
We had fun too.
Bart is modeling
his new clothes...
for his friends.
Ooh...
You got to come out sometime,
Simpson.
- Good night, Dad.
I had a nice time today.
- Me too, honey.
Can I watch football
with you again next Sunday?
Sure. It gets rid...
of the unpleasant aftertaste
of church.
See how good things happen...
if you make
a little effort?
Point well taken.
Could you loosen my blanket a little?
Dad tucked me in too tight,
and it's cutting off...
the circulation
in my arms and legs.
This team is fired up.
- All right!
- He'll lose.
What? Didn't you hear
what he said?
The fear in his eyes,
the quiver in his voice.
He's a little boy
lost in a game of men.
Should we bet
against them?
I'd bet my entire
college fund on it.
Moe, $23 on New York.
Start spreading
the news.
It's New York
over Philadelphia, 3 5 to 1 0.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Dad, I hate
to break the mood...
but I'm
getting nauseous.
Oh, sorry.
So, who do you like
in the afternoon games?
The 49ers
because they're pure of heart...
Seattle because they got
something to prove...
and the Raiders
because they cheat.
In an extremely suspicious play...
the Raiders win!
Three for three!
Hey, the new sign's
really working.
It's been
a madhouse, Lisa.
Let's see...
football... football...
Homoeroticism in...
Oddball Canadian Rules...
Phyllis George in...
Oh, doctor,
what a finish!
The final score--
Atlanta 1 7, Houston 1 3.
The lowly Falcons
are flying high.
Who would have thunk it?
My daughter, that's who.
Yeah, me.
You pick the winner
every time.
You must have some kind
of special gift.
It doesn't take a genius...
to realize Houston's failed
to cover their last ten outings...
the week after scoring
three touchdowns...
in a game.
My little girl
says the cutest things.
Dad, Sunday
is fast becoming...
my favorite day
of the week.
Not Sunday--
Daddy-Daughter Day.
The usual, Moe--
a beer...
and a wad of bills!
Okay...
you lucky moron.
Here you go, Homer, $1 3 5.
I used to hate the smell
of your sweaty feet.
Now it's the smell
of victory.
Oh, shut up.
Look at these prices!
We could finally get rid...
of those termites
for the cost of this meal.
Tut-tut,
only the best for my family.
I wonder where
you're getting the money.
Can't a man do something
nice for his loved ones?
I guess so.
Hello, I'm Marco,
I'll be your waiter.
I'm Homer,
I'll be your customer.
Never heard that one before.
Would you care
to select the wine?
I'll do the honors.
No, no, no, no.
My God!
What passes for a wine list
these days?
Just bring us your freshest
bottle of wine.
Chop, chop.
Charming lad.
Oh, violin guy.
What's your favorite song,
Lisa?
''The Broken Neck Blues.''
Play on.
It is the play-offs.
It's five below.
One fan's wearing
a G-string...
and the team colors on his body.
Maybe the paint has shut off
his pores...
and he's slowly suffocating.
That is a real fan.
It's Daddy-Daughter Day...
and Daddy needs
daughter's picks.
The Chiefs are my five star,
silver bullet special.
With your blessing, I'd like
to tie it to the Cowboys...
plus five at Chicago.
You call Moe.
Moe, this is L.S.
calling for H.S.
Just bet, Lisa.
1 1 0, 1 20...
You lucky son of a...
Want to go bowling
Sunday?
Are you nuts?
That's the Super Bowl.
How about the Sunday
after that?
Ma's coming in
from Norway...
but what the hell.
When the doctor said...
I didn't have worms anymore,
that was the happiest day...
of my life.
Thank you, Ralph,
very graphic.
Lisa Simpson, would you like
to read your essay?
The happiest day of my life
was three Sundays ago...
when the Saints--
four and a half point favorites...
only up by three--
kicked a meaningless field goal...
at the last second
to cover the spread.
Dear God!
You must have bought me...
every Malibu Stacy accessory.
Not quite.
They were out
of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
Ooh, perfume!
'' Meryl Streep's Versatility.''
I know you're going
to like your present.
Shut up! Shut up!
Kiss my butt!
Go to hell!
Dad, I promise...
I will never get tired of this.
Those were
very thoughtful presents...
but you have to tell me
where you got the money.
You have to promise
you won't get mad.
I promise I will.
I always do when you
make me promise I won't.
Lisa and I have been gambling
on pro football.
Homer!
You promised
you wouldn't get mad.
I promised I would!
She's eight years old!
Marge, she's got a gift.
Aren't parents supposed
to encourage their kids...
whenever they show talent?
Gambling is illegal.
Only in 48 states.
Besides,
it's a victimless crime.
The only victim is Moe...
and it's brought
Lisa and me together.
I just don't know.
What's the problem?
The kids are happy,
you smell like Meryl Streep...
and I got that foot massager
I've always wanted.
Believe me, Marge, nothing bad
could possibly come of this.
You know, Dad...
we've been watching
a lot ofTV lately.
Maybe the Sunday
after the Super Bowl...
we could climb
Mt. Springfield.
The fires in the tire yards
make beautiful sunsets.
Next Sunday
I'm going bowling with Barney.
What about
Daddy-Daughter Day?!
The new football season
is only seven months away.
So that's it.
You just wanted me
to help you gamble.
You never wanted
to be with me at all.
You're a very selfish man.
Go to hell!
Go to hell!
Hey, once again,
great present, Dad.
Uh... uh...
My third husband bought me this.
Give me some chips for it.
Are you sure?
Don't tell me what to do.
I've been gambling
since I was eight...
and hocking jewelry
since I was 1 2.
Give me chips.
Look around you, Malibu Stacy.
All this was bought
with dirty money.
Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo,
your collagen-injection clinic.
Back into the box.
It may not be pretty...
but damn it, it's honest.
I, Lisa Simpson...
am hereby giving away...
all my ill-gotten
Malibu Stacy accessories!
Ahh!
Look, I bought you...
a Malibu Stacy
chinchilla coat.
Huh?
You've come to buy
my forgiveness.
Sorry, Homer.
Lisa, honey,
I'm sorry...
but I really had a good time
watching football with you...
and I think you had
a good time with me.
Yeah, I did.
We can still watch
the Super Bowl together...
can't we?
Well, I would like to see
what the fuss is about.
It's a date.
So...
do you think the Redskins...
will beat the spread?
Put me down.
I'll tell you
who's going to win...
but it will just
validate my theory...
that you cared more
about winning money...
than you did about me.
Okay.
I think Washington
is a mortal lock.
Washington!
Whoo-hoo!
However...
What however?
However what?
However, I may also be
so clouded with rage...
that subconsciously...
I want you to lose.
In which case,
I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.
Do me a favor.
Complete this sentence:
Daddy should bet
all his money on...
I don't know.
D'oh!
If I still love you...
Washington.
If I don't, Buffalo.
Homer, I think that chip's
got enough dip on it.
We're live from
the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome...
and Super Bowl 26.
Today we're going to be seen...
by people in 1 50 countries
all over the world...
including our newest affiliate,
W-Gimel-Aleph-Nun...
in Tel Aviv.
Stupid!
Formidable.
Every note is a dagger
in my heart.
I got to get out of here.
Moe's Tavern...
home of the Super Sunday
Brunch Spectacular.
Ohh! Baloney.
Bread!
Got you down for 40 bucks.
Good luck, Your Eminence.
You can't take
more of my money.
I'm out
of the bookie business.
But Moe,
you've been taking bets all...
Barney, have a free beer.
Wow!
Don't worry, I'm not betting.
What?
- Give me that.
- Aw.
I had the greatest gift
of all--
a little girl who
could pick football...
and I ruined it.
We're two hours and 45 minutes
through the pregame show.
Our guest is Troy McClure...
whose new sitcom
premiers tonight...
right after the game!
Thanks, Bret.
My new show's called
Handle With Care.
I playJack Handle,
a retired cop...
who shares an apartment
with a retired criminal.
The original odd couple.
I fell in love
with the script, Bret...
and my recent trouble
with the I RS sealed the deal.
That's great, Troy.
Ooh! Looks like...
we're almost ready
for the kickoff.
Washington kicks.
Oh, it's a bad kick,
way too short.
Buffalo starts
in excellent position.
Buffalo's going to win.
Lisa hates me.
What did you bet?
My daughter.
What a gambler.
And with the score at the half
Buffalo 1 4, Washington 7...
it's time for the never-tedious
Super Bowl halftime show.
People of Earth, we've come
ten billion light-years...
to bring you this
halftime message of peace.
Oh, this sucks.
Come on, snipers,
where are you?
Bart, who's winning?
You-Hate-Dad
by a touchdown.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Yay!!
Announcer:
...for halfback Dan Beerdorf.
Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl.
They wanted it more.
Homer, didn't you say
if Duff Dry wins...
your daughter loves you?
Not Duff Dry,
Washington.
Okay, okay, they're
both great teams.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Huh?
Touchdown, Redskins.
All right,
we're back in business.
Well, I'm glad some people...
could resist the lures
of the big game.
I forgot the game!
It all comes down
to this one play.
If Washington scores,
happy fans will be looting...
and turning over cars
in our nation's capital tonight.
Please, please, please.
Touchdown!
It is done.
The Washington Redskins
win Super Bowl 26!
You love Dad.
I suspected as much.
Yes! She loves me,
she loves me.
Why are you so happy?
You didn't win money.
Money comes and goes,
but my daughter and I...
can go on
for eight more years!
Come on, Dad!
It's... beautiful.
Isn't it, though?
After I... catch my...
breath...
can we...
go... home?
D'oh!
Bret Councilman here...
on week eight
of the N.F.L. season.
Now stay tuned for six hours
of exciting football action.
Well, bye-bye belt.
Homer, all those fatty...
deep-fried,
heavily-salted snacks...
can't be good
for your heart.
My heart is just fine.
A little beer
will put out that fire.
Now with the specs
for today's games...
the man who's right...
52% of the time,
Smooth Jimmy Apollo.
Our first game today,
Denver and New England...
is too close to call.
Oh...
But if you're
the compulsive type...
who just has to bet...
Well, I don't know.
Mmm... Denver!
Woo-whoo!
Denver! Yeah!
Moe's Tavern...
where the peanut bowl
is freshened hourly.
Moe, I'd like to bet $20
on Denver.
I think I can provide
that service.
Chief Wiggum,
could you hand me...
that little black book?
Sure thing, Moe.
I was using it
as a coaster.
$20 on Denver.
Pleasure doing business...
H.S.
All right, Denver,
justify my love.
At the end of 1 3 seconds...
it's New England seven,
Denver nothing.
D'oh!
Look, Dad.
I made an apartment...
for my Malibu Stacy doll.
This is a kitchen.
This is where she prints
her feminist newsletter.
Dad, you're not listening to me!
Lousy, stupid Denver.
Mmm!
Oh, look at that,
a shoe box house.
Lisa, you're so clever.
Why isn't Dad
interested...
in anything I do?
Do you ever take an interest
in anything he does?
No... Well, we used
to have burping contests...
but I outgrew it.
If you want to get closer
to him...
maybe you should bridge the gap.
I do it all the time.
I pretend
I'm interested in power tools...
going to silly
car-chase movies...
and things I'll tell you
when you're older.
Do you understand?
I think so.
- Bart!
- What?
Oh, look at that.
Why did you do that?
Wouldn't it be fun...
if we watched the game
together?
Uh...
okay.
Just don't say anything,
and sit down over there.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Lisa, I can't hear
the announcer.
He said
Denver fumbled.
D'oh!
See you in hell, soldier boy.
- Bart?
- Yeah, Mom?
While your father and Lisa
watch the game...
it might be fun
if we went clothes shopping.
Mom, I'd love to,
but I don't need new clothes.
Oh, really?
Even though
I'd love to spend...
this sunny afternoon
trying on clothes, it's not...
Folks, when you're right
52% of the time...
you're wrong 48% of the time.
Why didn't you
say that before?!
Okay, you're off the hook.
Any thoughts
on Miami-Cincinnati?
I certainly do, Bret.
I hereby declare Miami...
to be Smooth Jimmy's
'Lock of the Week.'
Ooh, that's a big lock.
I just don't trust that guy.
In the Cincinnati-Miami game...
I declare Cincinnati
my 'Shoe-in of the Week.'
They both make a good case.
After evaluating
millions of pieces of data...
in the blink of an eye...
the Gamble-Tron 2000 says
the winner is... Cincinnati...
by 200 points?!
Why, you worthless hunk of junk!
- You want this, don't you?
- Yeah!
You need the winners,
and I know them.
So call me now.
$5 for the first minute,
$2 for additional minutes.
You... have reached...
the Coach's...
Hot...
Line.
line.
Lay it on me, Coach.
In the game of...
Mi-am-i...
Mm-hmm.
versus Cin...
Cincinnati.
- cin...
- Cincinnati.
- na...
- Cincinnati.
- ti...
- Come on!
Don't you realize
this is costing me money?
we must consider... many things.
The wind...
D'oh, not the wind!
is blowing out of the...
west...
at five...
Miles per hour.
knots.
This is ridiculous!
Lisa, who do you think
will win--
the Bengals or the Dolphins?
I don't know.
The Dolphins?
Good, good.
Moe, $50
on the Miami Dolphins.
50 beans on Miami.
Homer, I got a call
on the other line.
It's me, Mr. K.
What will it be?
Put me down for $7 00
on the Rams.
Put Sideshow down
for two grand.
Mom, I'm tired.
I want to go home.
Can't I just lie down
for a minute?
Bart, I think
you'd look very sharp...
in this shirt.
Fine. Get it. Let's go.
No, no, no.
You have to try it on.
Ooh, this one's 50% off.
That's because people
who wear them get beaten up.
Well, anyone who would do that
isn't your friend.
This looks good...
and this one
is very, very cute...
and these...
Oh, look, little bow ties!
And don't make
that face at me.
How did you know?
Touchdown, Dolphins!
All right, Dolphins!
All right, Dolphins!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
50 big ones!
50 big ones?
Uh-oh.
Daddy's friend Moe promised...
to give him $50
if the Dolphins won.
You made a bet?
I wouldn't call it a bet.
It's a little thing
daddies do...
to make football
more exciting.
What could
be more exciting...
than the savage ballet
of pro football?
Well, you know.
You like ice cream,
don't you?
Don't you like
ice cream better...
when it's covered
with hot fudge...
and mounds of whipped cream,
chopped nuts...
and those crumbled-up
cookie things they mash up?
Mmm...
crumbled-up cookie things.
So gambling makes a good thing
even better?
That's right!
My God...
it's like there's
some kind of bond between us.
Hmm?
Mm-hmm.
We've got a troublemaker
in booth eight.
There's a code red
in booth three.
My God!
Those aren't the socks...
she came in with.
Let's move.
- Bart?
- In here, Mom.
Don't open...
You could use
some new underwear too.
Look at that stupid kid!
- Three!
- Three!
- Two!
- Two!
- One!
- One!
And the final
from Riverfront Stadium:
Miami 2 4, Cincinnati 1 0.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Mom sure will be happy
you won $50.
You'd think that...
but your mother
has this crazy idea...
that gambling is wrong...
even though they say it's okay
in the Bible.
Really? Where?
Uh... somewhere in the back.
The point is,
we had a great time today.
To keep it that way...
let's not tell your mother
about our little wager, okay?
Okay, Dad.
Did you two
have fun?
You bet.
We had fun too.
Bart is modeling
his new clothes...
for his friends.
Ooh...
You got to come out sometime,
Simpson.
- Good night, Dad.
I had a nice time today.
- Me too, honey.
Can I watch football
with you again next Sunday?
Sure. It gets rid...
of the unpleasant aftertaste
of church.
See how good things happen...
if you make
a little effort?
Point well taken.
Could you loosen my blanket a little?
Dad tucked me in too tight,
and it's cutting off...
the circulation
in my arms and legs.
This team is fired up.
- All right!
- He'll lose.
What? Didn't you hear
what he said?
The fear in his eyes,
the quiver in his voice.
He's a little boy
lost in a game of men.
Should we bet
against them?
I'd bet my entire
college fund on it.
Moe, $23 on New York.
Start spreading
the news.
It's New York
over Philadelphia, 3 5 to 1 0.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Dad, I hate
to break the mood...
but I'm
getting nauseous.
Oh, sorry.
So, who do you like
in the afternoon games?
The 49ers
because they're pure of heart...
Seattle because they got
something to prove...
and the Raiders
because they cheat.
In an extremely suspicious play...
the Raiders win!
Three for three!
Hey, the new sign's
really working.
It's been
a madhouse, Lisa.
Let's see...
football... football...
Homoeroticism in...
Oddball Canadian Rules...
Phyllis George in...
Oh, doctor,
what a finish!
The final score--
Atlanta 1 7, Houston 1 3.
The lowly Falcons
are flying high.
Who would have thunk it?
My daughter, that's who.
Yeah, me.
You pick the winner
every time.
You must have some kind
of special gift.
It doesn't take a genius...
to realize Houston's failed
to cover their last ten outings...
the week after scoring
three touchdowns...
in a game.
My little girl
says the cutest things.
Dad, Sunday
is fast becoming...
my favorite day
of the week.
Not Sunday--
Daddy-Daughter Day.
The usual, Moe--
a beer...
and a wad of bills!
Okay...
you lucky moron.
Here you go, Homer, $1 3 5.
I used to hate the smell
of your sweaty feet.
Now it's the smell
of victory.
Oh, shut up.
Look at these prices!
We could finally get rid...
of those termites
for the cost of this meal.
Tut-tut,
only the best for my family.
I wonder where
you're getting the money.
Can't a man do something
nice for his loved ones?
I guess so.
Hello, I'm Marco,
I'll be your waiter.
I'm Homer,
I'll be your customer.
Never heard that one before.
Would you care
to select the wine?
I'll do the honors.
No, no, no, no.
My God!
What passes for a wine list
these days?
Just bring us your freshest
bottle of wine.
Chop, chop.
Charming lad.
Oh, violin guy.
What's your favorite song,
Lisa?
''The Broken Neck Blues.''
Play on.
It is the play-offs.
It's five below.
One fan's wearing
a G-string...
and the team colors on his body.
Maybe the paint has shut off
his pores...
and he's slowly suffocating.
That is a real fan.
It's Daddy-Daughter Day...
and Daddy needs
daughter's picks.
The Chiefs are my five star,
silver bullet special.
With your blessing, I'd like
to tie it to the Cowboys...
plus five at Chicago.
You call Moe.
Moe, this is L.S.
calling for H.S.
Just bet, Lisa.
1 1 0, 1 20...
You lucky son of a...
Want to go bowling
Sunday?
Are you nuts?
That's the Super Bowl.
How about the Sunday
after that?
Ma's coming in
from Norway...
but what the hell.
When the doctor said...
I didn't have worms anymore,
that was the happiest day...
of my life.
Thank you, Ralph,
very graphic.
Lisa Simpson, would you like
to read your essay?
The happiest day of my life
was three Sundays ago...
when the Saints--
four and a half point favorites...
only up by three--
kicked a meaningless field goal...
at the last second
to cover the spread.
Dear God!
You must have bought me...
every Malibu Stacy accessory.
Not quite.
They were out
of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
Ooh, perfume!
'' Meryl Streep's Versatility.''
I know you're going
to like your present.
Shut up! Shut up!
Kiss my butt!
Go to hell!
Dad, I promise...
I will never get tired of this.
Those were
very thoughtful presents...
but you have to tell me
where you got the money.
You have to promise
you won't get mad.
I promise I will.
I always do when you
make me promise I won't.
Lisa and I have been gambling
on pro football.
Homer!
You promised
you wouldn't get mad.
I promised I would!
She's eight years old!
Marge, she's got a gift.
Aren't parents supposed
to encourage their kids...
whenever they show talent?
Gambling is illegal.
Only in 48 states.
Besides,
it's a victimless crime.
The only victim is Moe...
and it's brought
Lisa and me together.
I just don't know.
What's the problem?
The kids are happy,
you smell like Meryl Streep...
and I got that foot massager
I've always wanted.
Believe me, Marge, nothing bad
could possibly come of this.
You know, Dad...
we've been watching
a lot ofTV lately.
Maybe the Sunday
after the Super Bowl...
we could climb
Mt. Springfield.
The fires in the tire yards
make beautiful sunsets.
Next Sunday
I'm going bowling with Barney.
What about
Daddy-Daughter Day?!
The new football season
is only seven months away.
So that's it.
You just wanted me
to help you gamble.
You never wanted
to be with me at all.
You're a very selfish man.
Go to hell!
Go to hell!
Hey, once again,
great present, Dad.
Uh... uh...
My third husband bought me this.
Give me some chips for it.
Are you sure?
Don't tell me what to do.
I've been gambling
since I was eight...
and hocking jewelry
since I was 1 2.
Give me chips.
Look around you, Malibu Stacy.
All this was bought
with dirty money.
Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo,
your collagen-injection clinic.
Back into the box.
It may not be pretty...
but damn it, it's honest.
I, Lisa Simpson...
am hereby giving away...
all my ill-gotten
Malibu Stacy accessories!
Ahh!
Look, I bought you...
a Malibu Stacy
chinchilla coat.
Huh?
You've come to buy
my forgiveness.
Sorry, Homer.
Lisa, honey,
I'm sorry...
but I really had a good time
watching football with you...
and I think you had
a good time with me.
Yeah, I did.
We can still watch
the Super Bowl together...
can't we?
Well, I would like to see
what the fuss is about.
It's a date.
So...
do you think the Redskins...
will beat the spread?
Put me down.
I'll tell you
who's going to win...
but it will just
validate my theory...
that you cared more
about winning money...
than you did about me.
Okay.
I think Washington
is a mortal lock.
Washington!
Whoo-hoo!
However...
What however?
However what?
However, I may also be
so clouded with rage...
that subconsciously...
I want you to lose.
In which case,
I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.
Do me a favor.
Complete this sentence:
Daddy should bet
all his money on...
I don't know.
D'oh!
If I still love you...
Washington.
If I don't, Buffalo.
Homer, I think that chip's
got enough dip on it.
We're live from
the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome...
and Super Bowl 26.
Today we're going to be seen...
by people in 1 50 countries
all over the world...
including our newest affiliate,
W-Gimel-Aleph-Nun...
in Tel Aviv.
Stupid!
Formidable.
Every note is a dagger
in my heart.
I got to get out of here.
Moe's Tavern...
home of the Super Sunday
Brunch Spectacular.
Ohh! Baloney.
Bread!
Got you down for 40 bucks.
Good luck, Your Eminence.
You can't take
more of my money.
I'm out
of the bookie business.
But Moe,
you've been taking bets all...
Barney, have a free beer.
Wow!
Don't worry, I'm not betting.
What?
- Give me that.
- Aw.
I had the greatest gift
of all--
a little girl who
could pick football...
and I ruined it.
We're two hours and 45 minutes
through the pregame show.
Our guest is Troy McClure...
whose new sitcom
premiers tonight...
right after the game!
Thanks, Bret.
My new show's called
Handle With Care.
I playJack Handle,
a retired cop...
who shares an apartment
with a retired criminal.
The original odd couple.
I fell in love
with the script, Bret...
and my recent trouble
with the I RS sealed the deal.
That's great, Troy.
Ooh! Looks like...
we're almost ready
for the kickoff.
Washington kicks.
Oh, it's a bad kick,
way too short.
Buffalo starts
in excellent position.
Buffalo's going to win.
Lisa hates me.
What did you bet?
My daughter.
What a gambler.
And with the score at the half
Buffalo 1 4, Washington 7...
it's time for the never-tedious
Super Bowl halftime show.
People of Earth, we've come
ten billion light-years...
to bring you this
halftime message of peace.
Oh, this sucks.
Come on, snipers,
where are you?
Bart, who's winning?
You-Hate-Dad
by a touchdown.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Yay!!
Announcer:
...for halfback Dan Beerdorf.
Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl.
They wanted it more.
Homer, didn't you say
if Duff Dry wins...
your daughter loves you?
Not Duff Dry,
Washington.
Okay, okay, they're
both great teams.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Huh?
Touchdown, Redskins.
All right,
we're back in business.
Well, I'm glad some people...
could resist the lures
of the big game.
I forgot the game!
It all comes down
to this one play.
If Washington scores,
happy fans will be looting...
and turning over cars
in our nation's capital tonight.
Please, please, please.
Touchdown!
It is done.
The Washington Redskins
win Super Bowl 26!
You love Dad.
I suspected as much.
Yes! She loves me,
she loves me.
Why are you so happy?
You didn't win money.
Money comes and goes,
but my daughter and I...
can go on
for eight more years!
Come on, Dad!
It's... beautiful.
Isn't it, though?
After I... catch my...
breath...
can we...
go... home?