The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 28, Episode 2 - Friends and Family - full transcript
Homer finds a new friend in a woman who acts just like him when Mr. Burns hires the other Simpsons as his live-in virtual reality family.
(Patty and Selma cackling)
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(tires screech)
Ugh!
I'm too fat!
Still too fat!
Ugh!
(groans)
¶ ¶
(tires screech)
Come on, sir. You'll be late
for your appointment.
Hush! No one must know I'm not
in perfect mental health.
The Kaiser would
be furious!
¶ ¶
(coin clanks)
Hip joints!
Who wants a hip joint?
Eyeballs! Can't see
without your eyeballs!
Euthanasia!
Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
Ooh. Can I buy it as a gift?
No!
Mm.
Hmm.
(groans)
Come on in, Monty.
I believe last week we were
discussing your anger issues.
Anger issues?
Anger issues?!
Anger issues?
Anger issues?!
Yeah, all right, I'm afraid
our 50 minutes are almost up.
Sorry. You were saying?
(sighs) Monty, I give up.
After only 70 years of therapy?
You're never gonna change.
You-you will never have this.
A cheap piece of plastic
with photos of ugly people?
That is my family--
people who love me.
Yes, you're right.
I should consider
encasing people in plastic.
Then I could always see
the look of fear in their faces.
(chuckles)
Yeah, we're finished
here. Get out.
May I remind you I'm paying you
five dollars an hour?
Oi! Why did I lock in
at that rate?
(door buzzes)
(groans)
(thud)
What? (gasps)
Hmm. No pulse.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Dead. So sad.
He was a true friend.
Mm-hmm. Excellent.
(trumpet playing taps)
I can't believe
Dr. Nussbaum's dead.
Um, we've had
a lot of therapists.
Which one was he again?
He was the one who
helped us communicate.
You never listen
to a word I say!
I have to listen
all day at work.
You're not listening now.
I'm listened out!
What? "Listened out."
Not listening,
not listening...
What does that even mean?
Let's hear what the children
have to say.
I'm gonna wet the bed
to get their attention.
HOMER: Not listening...
You're the one
sleeping in it.
I didn't say
I'd wet my bed.
Please, Marge!
Do we have to burden
Dr. Nussbaum
with our problems?
(all arguing)
Maggie talk!
The man has
problems of his own!
Maggie talk!
(arguing continues)
No one listen?
Maggie never talk again.
That's not what happened.
That's exactly what happened.
I believe I remember
what happened, Marge.
How could you remember?
You were looking at your
phone half the time.
When you have four bar
Wi-Fi, you use it!
Oh, look. It's the ugly
people from the cube.
(gasps)
RABBI: Uh, if
we can begin.
Oh, of course.
Oh, this man meant
a great deal to me.
And helping out
with the cost of this service
was the least I could do.
(crowd murmurs)
Very sweet.
Smithers?
(crowd booing loudly)
For shame! (grunts)
(tires screech)
(sighs) Stoned at a funeral.
Ooh, wow!
Where's the funeral?
(chuckles):
Oh! Just what I wanted.
Just get me home quickly.
("Pomp and Circumstance"
playing)
And this year's Nobel Prize
for Physics goes to...
Professor John Frink.
(crowd cheering)
(horn honks)
FRINK:
Ah, thank you, Queen Sonya,
and all the people at HBO--
the, uh, Higgs Boson
Observatory.
You'll see there.
(tires screech, car crashes)
Oi! Oiven!
I-I didn't mean
to hit him, sir.
Well, how could a man
in his right mind
miss a car heading
right towards him?
(truck horn blares)
MAN:
Idiot!
I think it's this headpiece
he's wearing, sir.
If I may ask, what makes
this device so enchanting
that you ignore
the real world?
Is there a milkmaid
skipping rope?
Oi! Gloivick!
The Oculus Frink--
or Froculus--
provides you with a complete
virtual reality experience.
(groans) Letting you live
in a world of your dreams.
Goi!
(mutters)
To adjust the focus, turn
the dial on the side. Oi.
Now for the after-party!
(lively orchestral music
playing)
I must have it!
Oh, uh, can you
drop me off first?
¶ ¶
Hmm, not bad. Next?
This is still a new
technology, sir.
At the moment, it's really
just lots of pornography,
a roller coaster,
pornography, pornography,
Burger King ad,
pornography,
and... and this one.
¶ ¶
(dragon squawks)
(roaring)
(squawks)
Dragon porn.
(both moaning)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Oh, flame on, baby.
Flame on!
Hot! Hot!
Don't tell
my wife, okay?
SMITHERS:
Oh, sorry, sir.
This one is also pornography.
Oh, so boring.
(fabric rips)
Trim those nails, Smithers.
Uh, sir,
if I might suggest,
the last thing
your therapist said was,
"You need a family."
(chuckles):
I don't need anyone.
We could program
a virtual family for you, sir.
A virtual family. Yes.
Meanwhile, let me
see the one again
where I shoot the
beloved lion in Africa.
That was reality, sir.
Mm. I've lived
quite the life.
Quite the life.
Ooh!
(crow caws)
Uh, we only need three
children, thanks.
Oh, what kind of coal mine
you runnin'?
You, wife, look at me lovingly,
as if I'm your husband.
Eh, can you ask for a
look of indifference?
I think she can do that.
Luann, pretend
it's my birthday.
Next.
You promised me a job, Dad!
I was gonna buy a fat Barbie.
It's Curvy Barbie.
And that would mean
you have to buy all new clothes.
(crow caws)
Uh, this thing says
all families in the plant
are required to try out.
So far, so good.
Two-and-a-half children,
wife with current hairstyle.
You're all hired.
Except you, fatso.
We don't need a father.
I'll be the rooster
in this henhouse.
That is so disappointing.
I've always wanted
to work for Mr. Burns.
Okay, family scene.
And... action.
(steam hissing)
(sucking noises)
This isn't a word I use
lightly, but... excellent.
Oh, Smithers, one favor:
make the children
look like they're mine.
No, no, no!
It's too beautiful.
Like a Supreme Court
full of Scalias.
Switch to something else.
BURNS:
That's good.
What's the matter, Homer?
Last night,
Marge and the kids
didn't get home
till 11:00 at night.
When I came back from
Moe's at 11:05,
they were still taking
off their coats!
I hear old man Burns is just
living in a fantasy world now.
En garde! (laughs)
Mm, must be nice.
Hey, there he is.
Wonder what he's watching now.
Home movies.
¶ Happy birthday, dear Burnsie ¶
¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
¶ And maybe more. ¶
(chuckles)
Thank you, thank you.
Now, your mother's
going to take me upstairs
to give me... her present.
(Marge moaning suggestively)
BURNS: Oh, Smithers,
could you remove the ankle bar?
More. More. More.
(moans)
Oh...
(chuckles):
Oh, that was wonderful.
I'm picking up
your ten-year options.
Ten years?!
Oh, now, now, no discussion.
We're a family now.
Ugh! What is that?
A river otter?
(dog howls)
(groans)
We're not coming home, Homie.
What? What do I do
without you here?
You can do what you did
with me there: go to Moe's.
Aw, it's not the same
if I'm not trying to avoid
some unpleasant chore.
Oh. You could
clean out the attic.
Going to Moe's!
(line clicks, dial tone)
Eh, no one
to go home to, huh?
Yeah, take it from me,
that's rough.
Yeah.
Heading back to an empty house.
No one there
to tell you what to do,
no kids fighting all the time.
Wait a minute.
I can eat dinner
in any room of the house!
And not the scary ones like
the basement and Bart's bedroom.
And I can drink at home!
Whoa, whoa!
You're twisting my words there.
That would be cheaper!
And I wouldn't have to drive!
And you are kind of mean.
No one calls me mean.
Moe, you're
proving my point.
Here we are talking, and
you pull a shotgun on me.
But there's never
any bullets in this. Watch.
Ha! Good gag, huh?
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp,
bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
(muffled explosion)
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Feel when I dance with you ¶
¶ We move like the sea ¶
¶ You, you're all
I want to know ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ I feel free. ¶
Mmm, does that turn you on?
Oh, yes. That's hot.
(handles creak)
(laughs)
The perfect temperature.
(owl hooting)
Ah, Snoopy knew what
he was doing, all right.
WOMAN: How you doing?
Aah!
Don't worry, I've
seen you naked
plenty of times.
I live in the house
behind yours.
I don't think my wife
would like this.
Hey, I got a boyfriend,
and you're not my type.
FLANDERS:
Could you both keep it down?
I'm trying
to count pennies.
(scoffs) Stupid Flanders.
FLANDERS:
Oh! You made me lose count.
(both laughing)
Homer, it looks like
you're out of beer, pal.
(grunts)
Wow, can a man just be friends
with a woman?
Here are some pretzels.
Yes, he can!
(fence squeaks)
Aw, don't worry.
I'll fix that.
Have one.
I'm celebrating.
My boyfriend proposed.
Wow! You'll get to enjoy
the most magical part
of married life:
the beginning.
Mmm...
(slurping)
So, uh, where's
the lucky guy?
(sighs)
Gone for the weekend.
He's an airline pilot.
Maybe he and I can
go out for beers
before a flight.
Mm.
Where's your wife?
Uh, she's staying at
this billionaire's house,
working as
a virtual reality actress.
You know, the usual.
Oh, Homer?
Something's going on
with Homer.
My spousal sense is tingling.
Mom, you blew the take!
Okay, that's it.
I'll direct.
And I'll show you
how a pro does it.
You, daughter character,
say you love me.
(flatly):
I love you.
Like you mean it.
(flatly):
I really love you.
Once more, with feeling.
(flatly):
I... really...
love... you.
Blech.
This girl has
no chops whatsoever.
(a la Katherine Hepburn):
The existence of my chops
is not for the likes
of you to ascertain,
my good sir.
(shudders)
Would you like some eggs
with that ham?
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Looks like the old
make-out king's
got a new queen, huh?
Guys, we're just friends.
It's purely catatonic.
"Platonic."
That means
she's into me,
but I'm
keeping it cool.
I like you, but that's
not what it means.
Sure, right.
(Italian accent):
Here you go, the antipasto,
to share.
BOTH:
Ooh...!
Would you fellas like
to join us?
(nervous stammers)
(sophisticated accent):
When did salad get so awful?
(sophisticated accent):
Kale ruined everything.
(mock sophisticated laughter)
(normal voice):
You're just like a guy.
You're funny,
you like to eat crap.
If I may get personal,
what's your
bowling average?
212.
Oh, my God, you're
my best friend!
And that's all.
Just friends.
Eh, we shall see.
There is one test
for a-romance
that never fails.
Enjoy it.
That is not a-love!
This is the best--
we're friends,
no one has any reason
to get upset,
and no one gets hurt.
To no one getting hurt.
SMITHERS:
Smash-cut to Marge!
"Look, Monty, our daughter,
the president,
is delivering her speech."
Excuse me,
do I ever get a joke?
Keep rolling.
"Mr. Vice President,
Madam Speaker,
"Chinese Overlords,
years ago, our forefathers,
and foremothers..."
BURNS:
Stick to the script!
Oh, you try to
give direction
to a bunch
of land apes
who aren't worth
the ping-pong balls
stuck to their
untalented asses!
Idiots!
Mountebanks!
Featherwits!
Poltroons!
(furniture crashes)
Saint Francis himself
would vomit with rage!
Okay, you heard him,
people.
That was great,
just a little more energy.
Sir, I know you're
getting frustrated,
so we recorded some
future scenarios.
Yes, let's see what life
will be like when I'm old.
I'm going to build homes
for the homeless
with my boyfriend Sean,
then it's off to Vassar
in the fall.
Irish boyfriend?
Helping the homeless?
Well, every family has
one black sheep.
Let's move on.
How did this happen?
(pacifier pops twice)
Don't you take
that tone with me.
A Harvard man?
I was warned
there'd be nausea.
I don't need them.
My life is perfect.
My life is perfect.
49, 50.
My life is perfect!
Have you seen my
Canadian penny?
Oh, darn it,
darn it, darn it!
Everyone out!
You're all fired!
Having a family is the most
meaningless experience
I could imagine.
Try acting.
Mm...
Come on, kids.
I'm taking
my bathrobe.
There's a dye pack
stitched in.
(loud pop)
Joke's on you.
I like this better.
Oh, go ahead,
take your robe.
But you'll never work
in single-viewer
virtual reality
family melodrama again.
Did you see
the guitar lessons sign
on the telephone pole?
I took a tab.
No, I'm not
gonna take the lessons,
I just needed
to blow my nose.
Ooh, my family's here.
Gotta go.
Hey, guys!
It's good to see you.
Hmm. Good to see you.
Who were you talking to?
My friend Julia.
Julia? Like a girl?
She's not a girl.
She's three years younger
than your mother.
(irritated murmur)
Now, Marge,
it's cool.
All we do is share
our deepest thoughts
and feelings.
Mm-hmm.
Kids, could you
leave the room, please?
Faster!
Geronimo!
(retreating footsteps)
Marge, it's nothing.
She's just
my new best friend.
(groans angrily)
What the-- Why--
Why are you mad
at those eggs?!
They didn't do anything!
Homer Simpson!
(whimpering)
After all I've put up with
for all these years,
if I'm not
your best friend,
what is this marriage about?!
Okay, okay, you're
my best friend.
She's just somebody I call
when I'm mad at you.
(screams)
(grumbling)
I mean, I'm never
mad at you.
Well, sometimes
I'm mad at you.
A little bit!
But I shouldn't call her.
I should just
drink it off at Moe's.
(growling)
You'll never hear
the name Julia again.
Hi, I'm Julia.
Neh!
I just wanted
to introduce myself
and tell you you've got
a great husband.
I've got a nice
bicycle, too,
but I keep a lock on it.
I have no interest
in... riding your bike.
But I want you to know
that your bike loves you
as truly as a bike can.
And, Marge, I love you
as much as that bike.
You are the bike.
(gasps) Wha...?!
(door creaks)
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Apparently, you didn't
do anything wrong.
But I'm not wrong for
getting mad at you either.
Marge, Julia taught me lots
of stuff that could help us.
For example, I realize
that when you see me
doing something stupid
and you don't
say anything about it,
you do know,
and you're just
being nice.
That's true.
And when something's
bothering you,
sometimes I should just say,
"I understand,"
instead of trying
to fix it.
Because all you
really need is
someone to know
what you're feeling.
That is really,
really lovely.
(both moaning)
I have to confess, I did
see him naked on the roof.
I did, too,
and I was at 10,000 feet.
Now for the final fantasy.
(crying)
(gasps)
Oh, my love, my love,
losing you so young,
so beautiful.
Still no jokes.
(flatly):
I love you, and how.
(sobs) You're too
good for heaven, man.
(chuckles)
Excellent.
(creatures squawking)
(eerie shriek)
Welcome, Monty.
I'd like to take
a selfie with you.
All right, but just one.
Hmm, it's not
plugged in.
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp,
bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
(screams)
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free. ¶
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(tires screech)
Ugh!
I'm too fat!
Still too fat!
Ugh!
(groans)
¶ ¶
(tires screech)
Come on, sir. You'll be late
for your appointment.
Hush! No one must know I'm not
in perfect mental health.
The Kaiser would
be furious!
¶ ¶
(coin clanks)
Hip joints!
Who wants a hip joint?
Eyeballs! Can't see
without your eyeballs!
Euthanasia!
Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
Ooh. Can I buy it as a gift?
No!
Mm.
Hmm.
(groans)
Come on in, Monty.
I believe last week we were
discussing your anger issues.
Anger issues?
Anger issues?!
Anger issues?
Anger issues?!
Yeah, all right, I'm afraid
our 50 minutes are almost up.
Sorry. You were saying?
(sighs) Monty, I give up.
After only 70 years of therapy?
You're never gonna change.
You-you will never have this.
A cheap piece of plastic
with photos of ugly people?
That is my family--
people who love me.
Yes, you're right.
I should consider
encasing people in plastic.
Then I could always see
the look of fear in their faces.
(chuckles)
Yeah, we're finished
here. Get out.
May I remind you I'm paying you
five dollars an hour?
Oi! Why did I lock in
at that rate?
(door buzzes)
(groans)
(thud)
What? (gasps)
Hmm. No pulse.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Dead. So sad.
He was a true friend.
Mm-hmm. Excellent.
(trumpet playing taps)
I can't believe
Dr. Nussbaum's dead.
Um, we've had
a lot of therapists.
Which one was he again?
He was the one who
helped us communicate.
You never listen
to a word I say!
I have to listen
all day at work.
You're not listening now.
I'm listened out!
What? "Listened out."
Not listening,
not listening...
What does that even mean?
Let's hear what the children
have to say.
I'm gonna wet the bed
to get their attention.
HOMER: Not listening...
You're the one
sleeping in it.
I didn't say
I'd wet my bed.
Please, Marge!
Do we have to burden
Dr. Nussbaum
with our problems?
(all arguing)
Maggie talk!
The man has
problems of his own!
Maggie talk!
(arguing continues)
No one listen?
Maggie never talk again.
That's not what happened.
That's exactly what happened.
I believe I remember
what happened, Marge.
How could you remember?
You were looking at your
phone half the time.
When you have four bar
Wi-Fi, you use it!
Oh, look. It's the ugly
people from the cube.
(gasps)
RABBI: Uh, if
we can begin.
Oh, of course.
Oh, this man meant
a great deal to me.
And helping out
with the cost of this service
was the least I could do.
(crowd murmurs)
Very sweet.
Smithers?
(crowd booing loudly)
For shame! (grunts)
(tires screech)
(sighs) Stoned at a funeral.
Ooh, wow!
Where's the funeral?
(chuckles):
Oh! Just what I wanted.
Just get me home quickly.
("Pomp and Circumstance"
playing)
And this year's Nobel Prize
for Physics goes to...
Professor John Frink.
(crowd cheering)
(horn honks)
FRINK:
Ah, thank you, Queen Sonya,
and all the people at HBO--
the, uh, Higgs Boson
Observatory.
You'll see there.
(tires screech, car crashes)
Oi! Oiven!
I-I didn't mean
to hit him, sir.
Well, how could a man
in his right mind
miss a car heading
right towards him?
(truck horn blares)
MAN:
Idiot!
I think it's this headpiece
he's wearing, sir.
If I may ask, what makes
this device so enchanting
that you ignore
the real world?
Is there a milkmaid
skipping rope?
Oi! Gloivick!
The Oculus Frink--
or Froculus--
provides you with a complete
virtual reality experience.
(groans) Letting you live
in a world of your dreams.
Goi!
(mutters)
To adjust the focus, turn
the dial on the side. Oi.
Now for the after-party!
(lively orchestral music
playing)
I must have it!
Oh, uh, can you
drop me off first?
¶ ¶
Hmm, not bad. Next?
This is still a new
technology, sir.
At the moment, it's really
just lots of pornography,
a roller coaster,
pornography, pornography,
Burger King ad,
pornography,
and... and this one.
¶ ¶
(dragon squawks)
(roaring)
(squawks)
Dragon porn.
(both moaning)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Oh, flame on, baby.
Flame on!
Hot! Hot!
Don't tell
my wife, okay?
SMITHERS:
Oh, sorry, sir.
This one is also pornography.
Oh, so boring.
(fabric rips)
Trim those nails, Smithers.
Uh, sir,
if I might suggest,
the last thing
your therapist said was,
"You need a family."
(chuckles):
I don't need anyone.
We could program
a virtual family for you, sir.
A virtual family. Yes.
Meanwhile, let me
see the one again
where I shoot the
beloved lion in Africa.
That was reality, sir.
Mm. I've lived
quite the life.
Quite the life.
Ooh!
(crow caws)
Uh, we only need three
children, thanks.
Oh, what kind of coal mine
you runnin'?
You, wife, look at me lovingly,
as if I'm your husband.
Eh, can you ask for a
look of indifference?
I think she can do that.
Luann, pretend
it's my birthday.
Next.
You promised me a job, Dad!
I was gonna buy a fat Barbie.
It's Curvy Barbie.
And that would mean
you have to buy all new clothes.
(crow caws)
Uh, this thing says
all families in the plant
are required to try out.
So far, so good.
Two-and-a-half children,
wife with current hairstyle.
You're all hired.
Except you, fatso.
We don't need a father.
I'll be the rooster
in this henhouse.
That is so disappointing.
I've always wanted
to work for Mr. Burns.
Okay, family scene.
And... action.
(steam hissing)
(sucking noises)
This isn't a word I use
lightly, but... excellent.
Oh, Smithers, one favor:
make the children
look like they're mine.
No, no, no!
It's too beautiful.
Like a Supreme Court
full of Scalias.
Switch to something else.
BURNS:
That's good.
What's the matter, Homer?
Last night,
Marge and the kids
didn't get home
till 11:00 at night.
When I came back from
Moe's at 11:05,
they were still taking
off their coats!
I hear old man Burns is just
living in a fantasy world now.
En garde! (laughs)
Mm, must be nice.
Hey, there he is.
Wonder what he's watching now.
Home movies.
¶ Happy birthday, dear Burnsie ¶
¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
¶ And maybe more. ¶
(chuckles)
Thank you, thank you.
Now, your mother's
going to take me upstairs
to give me... her present.
(Marge moaning suggestively)
BURNS: Oh, Smithers,
could you remove the ankle bar?
More. More. More.
(moans)
Oh...
(chuckles):
Oh, that was wonderful.
I'm picking up
your ten-year options.
Ten years?!
Oh, now, now, no discussion.
We're a family now.
Ugh! What is that?
A river otter?
(dog howls)
(groans)
We're not coming home, Homie.
What? What do I do
without you here?
You can do what you did
with me there: go to Moe's.
Aw, it's not the same
if I'm not trying to avoid
some unpleasant chore.
Oh. You could
clean out the attic.
Going to Moe's!
(line clicks, dial tone)
Eh, no one
to go home to, huh?
Yeah, take it from me,
that's rough.
Yeah.
Heading back to an empty house.
No one there
to tell you what to do,
no kids fighting all the time.
Wait a minute.
I can eat dinner
in any room of the house!
And not the scary ones like
the basement and Bart's bedroom.
And I can drink at home!
Whoa, whoa!
You're twisting my words there.
That would be cheaper!
And I wouldn't have to drive!
And you are kind of mean.
No one calls me mean.
Moe, you're
proving my point.
Here we are talking, and
you pull a shotgun on me.
But there's never
any bullets in this. Watch.
Ha! Good gag, huh?
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp,
bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
(muffled explosion)
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Feel when I dance with you ¶
¶ We move like the sea ¶
¶ You, you're all
I want to know ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ I feel free. ¶
Mmm, does that turn you on?
Oh, yes. That's hot.
(handles creak)
(laughs)
The perfect temperature.
(owl hooting)
Ah, Snoopy knew what
he was doing, all right.
WOMAN: How you doing?
Aah!
Don't worry, I've
seen you naked
plenty of times.
I live in the house
behind yours.
I don't think my wife
would like this.
Hey, I got a boyfriend,
and you're not my type.
FLANDERS:
Could you both keep it down?
I'm trying
to count pennies.
(scoffs) Stupid Flanders.
FLANDERS:
Oh! You made me lose count.
(both laughing)
Homer, it looks like
you're out of beer, pal.
(grunts)
Wow, can a man just be friends
with a woman?
Here are some pretzels.
Yes, he can!
(fence squeaks)
Aw, don't worry.
I'll fix that.
Have one.
I'm celebrating.
My boyfriend proposed.
Wow! You'll get to enjoy
the most magical part
of married life:
the beginning.
Mmm...
(slurping)
So, uh, where's
the lucky guy?
(sighs)
Gone for the weekend.
He's an airline pilot.
Maybe he and I can
go out for beers
before a flight.
Mm.
Where's your wife?
Uh, she's staying at
this billionaire's house,
working as
a virtual reality actress.
You know, the usual.
Oh, Homer?
Something's going on
with Homer.
My spousal sense is tingling.
Mom, you blew the take!
Okay, that's it.
I'll direct.
And I'll show you
how a pro does it.
You, daughter character,
say you love me.
(flatly):
I love you.
Like you mean it.
(flatly):
I really love you.
Once more, with feeling.
(flatly):
I... really...
love... you.
Blech.
This girl has
no chops whatsoever.
(a la Katherine Hepburn):
The existence of my chops
is not for the likes
of you to ascertain,
my good sir.
(shudders)
Would you like some eggs
with that ham?
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Looks like the old
make-out king's
got a new queen, huh?
Guys, we're just friends.
It's purely catatonic.
"Platonic."
That means
she's into me,
but I'm
keeping it cool.
I like you, but that's
not what it means.
Sure, right.
(Italian accent):
Here you go, the antipasto,
to share.
BOTH:
Ooh...!
Would you fellas like
to join us?
(nervous stammers)
(sophisticated accent):
When did salad get so awful?
(sophisticated accent):
Kale ruined everything.
(mock sophisticated laughter)
(normal voice):
You're just like a guy.
You're funny,
you like to eat crap.
If I may get personal,
what's your
bowling average?
212.
Oh, my God, you're
my best friend!
And that's all.
Just friends.
Eh, we shall see.
There is one test
for a-romance
that never fails.
Enjoy it.
That is not a-love!
This is the best--
we're friends,
no one has any reason
to get upset,
and no one gets hurt.
To no one getting hurt.
SMITHERS:
Smash-cut to Marge!
"Look, Monty, our daughter,
the president,
is delivering her speech."
Excuse me,
do I ever get a joke?
Keep rolling.
"Mr. Vice President,
Madam Speaker,
"Chinese Overlords,
years ago, our forefathers,
and foremothers..."
BURNS:
Stick to the script!
Oh, you try to
give direction
to a bunch
of land apes
who aren't worth
the ping-pong balls
stuck to their
untalented asses!
Idiots!
Mountebanks!
Featherwits!
Poltroons!
(furniture crashes)
Saint Francis himself
would vomit with rage!
Okay, you heard him,
people.
That was great,
just a little more energy.
Sir, I know you're
getting frustrated,
so we recorded some
future scenarios.
Yes, let's see what life
will be like when I'm old.
I'm going to build homes
for the homeless
with my boyfriend Sean,
then it's off to Vassar
in the fall.
Irish boyfriend?
Helping the homeless?
Well, every family has
one black sheep.
Let's move on.
How did this happen?
(pacifier pops twice)
Don't you take
that tone with me.
A Harvard man?
I was warned
there'd be nausea.
I don't need them.
My life is perfect.
My life is perfect.
49, 50.
My life is perfect!
Have you seen my
Canadian penny?
Oh, darn it,
darn it, darn it!
Everyone out!
You're all fired!
Having a family is the most
meaningless experience
I could imagine.
Try acting.
Mm...
Come on, kids.
I'm taking
my bathrobe.
There's a dye pack
stitched in.
(loud pop)
Joke's on you.
I like this better.
Oh, go ahead,
take your robe.
But you'll never work
in single-viewer
virtual reality
family melodrama again.
Did you see
the guitar lessons sign
on the telephone pole?
I took a tab.
No, I'm not
gonna take the lessons,
I just needed
to blow my nose.
Ooh, my family's here.
Gotta go.
Hey, guys!
It's good to see you.
Hmm. Good to see you.
Who were you talking to?
My friend Julia.
Julia? Like a girl?
She's not a girl.
She's three years younger
than your mother.
(irritated murmur)
Now, Marge,
it's cool.
All we do is share
our deepest thoughts
and feelings.
Mm-hmm.
Kids, could you
leave the room, please?
Faster!
Geronimo!
(retreating footsteps)
Marge, it's nothing.
She's just
my new best friend.
(groans angrily)
What the-- Why--
Why are you mad
at those eggs?!
They didn't do anything!
Homer Simpson!
(whimpering)
After all I've put up with
for all these years,
if I'm not
your best friend,
what is this marriage about?!
Okay, okay, you're
my best friend.
She's just somebody I call
when I'm mad at you.
(screams)
(grumbling)
I mean, I'm never
mad at you.
Well, sometimes
I'm mad at you.
A little bit!
But I shouldn't call her.
I should just
drink it off at Moe's.
(growling)
You'll never hear
the name Julia again.
Hi, I'm Julia.
Neh!
I just wanted
to introduce myself
and tell you you've got
a great husband.
I've got a nice
bicycle, too,
but I keep a lock on it.
I have no interest
in... riding your bike.
But I want you to know
that your bike loves you
as truly as a bike can.
And, Marge, I love you
as much as that bike.
You are the bike.
(gasps) Wha...?!
(door creaks)
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Apparently, you didn't
do anything wrong.
But I'm not wrong for
getting mad at you either.
Marge, Julia taught me lots
of stuff that could help us.
For example, I realize
that when you see me
doing something stupid
and you don't
say anything about it,
you do know,
and you're just
being nice.
That's true.
And when something's
bothering you,
sometimes I should just say,
"I understand,"
instead of trying
to fix it.
Because all you
really need is
someone to know
what you're feeling.
That is really,
really lovely.
(both moaning)
I have to confess, I did
see him naked on the roof.
I did, too,
and I was at 10,000 feet.
Now for the final fantasy.
(crying)
(gasps)
Oh, my love, my love,
losing you so young,
so beautiful.
Still no jokes.
(flatly):
I love you, and how.
(sobs) You're too
good for heaven, man.
(chuckles)
Excellent.
(creatures squawking)
(eerie shriek)
Welcome, Monty.
I'd like to take
a selfie with you.
All right, but just one.
Hmm, it's not
plugged in.
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp,
bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
(screams)
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free ¶
¶ Bomp, bomp, bomp,
bomp-bomp-bomp ¶
¶ I feel free. ¶
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!