The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 28, Episode 1 - Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus - full transcript
Mr. Burns puts on a variety show at the Springfield Bowl.
_
_
D'oh!
Ow.
Hola.
♪ Run, don't walk ♪
♪ You might even hear ♪
♪ Maggie talk ♪
♪ Bart the Boy and a dog named Homer ♪
♪ And jokes written on signs ♪
- ♪ It's Simpsons Time. ♪
- Yay!
What a beautiful day
for a family stroll.
Tell that to my aching back!
It's not a family stroll...
Homer forgot where
he parked his car last night,
and now we have to find it.
What a beautiful day to be in denial.
Yeah, Bart. Who cares?
The sun is shining, birds are singing...
people are staring up
at the sky in terror?
Do you see it, Lisa?
There's... nothing... there.
And that's where Lard Lad used to be!
Oh, looks like we better file a report
with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Yeah. Be like that time that
Rodin statue got stolen.
What was the name of
that statue again? Eh...
Ah, let me think. Um...
Thinkin'.
Yeah, still thinkin'.
Still thinkin'.
Uh, either we can fan out and search,
or bunch up and riot.
Oh, balderdash and poppycock.
I say we do not riot.
Riot!
Don't!
Riot!
Don't!
Riot!
And thanks to the equal
number of nonrioters,
the total cost of the
damage is zero dollars.
Homer, were you in that riot?
Marge, please.
I'm a leader in this community.
In response to the outcry,
Lard Lad's parent company,
Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts,
has issued the following statement:
"We are rebranding Lard Lad
with an updated statue."
Ooh, rebranding.
That just means admitting failure, Dad.
Ooh, admitting failure.
People of Springfield,
please welcome Mr....
I know I'm gonna mangle this...
Lee Fong.
Uh, actually, it's
pronounced Robert Chan.
And now, please welcome the model
for the original Lard Lad,
Mr. Laird Lad.
A lot of crazy names today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Lard Lad's bold,
focus-grouped, new look!
That doesn't say donuts!
That says management overthink!
The Thinker!
That statue's called The Thinker.
What? What are we on now?
What?
People, let's give the
new statue a chance.
When the Eiffel Tower was first built,
many said it was a steel monstrosity.
It still is.
Fine, but maybe this will grow on you.
Aw, this thing sucks. I don't think so.
Well, at-at-at a certain angle...
It's beautiful.
- We love it.
- That's beautiful.
You fools!
You've erected a massive
concave reflective surface.
It will focus the sun's
beam in a deadly ray.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
- Uh.
Hey!
First off, I'd like
to thank the good people
at Tianjin Smelting and
Mining and Donuts and Tarps
for neutralizing our wonderful,
deadly, new Lard Lad.
Yeah, that's great.
They'll grow back.
The time for mourning and
blaming our mayors hasassed.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild!
We will rebuild!
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
I guess there's only one
man we can turn to.
Supergirl?!
So... you'd like me to save the town.
Well, you've got gumption,
I'll give you that.
And such an adorable baby,
it really restores my... my faith in...
in the, uh...
Smithers, where is the
damn trapdoor button?
Mr. Burns, you already trap-doored us
from your upstairs office.
Yes.
And how was your fall?
Painful? Unexpected?
- Oh, yeah.
- Worst I've ever had.
- Oh! Really...
- Really...
- Pulled something.
- Totally painful.
Did not see it coming.
Excellent.
So... remind me what I was saying no to.
Funding repairs to the town.
But if you could do even
one little project.
Reducking the duck pond
or fixing up the Springfield Bowl.
The Springfield Bowl.
Very well.
I will rebuild this
town on one condition.
Forget it.
Our desperate plea is nonnegotiable.
I want to put on a variety
show at the Bowl.
A celebration of everything
wonderful about... um,
what's the name of this town again?
Springfield, sir.
Yes, I will destroy Springfield.
Celebrate, sir.
Springfield has risen from
the ashes like a phoenix.
That's phoenix, the mythical bird,
not Phoenix, the cultureless,
Mars-scape of the Southwest.
Our unlikely angel,
the devil himself, C. Montgomery Burns.
Thank you, Kent.
And don't forget the open auditions
for my Springfield Follies.
This year women may audition, too,
with permission of husband,
father and pastor in writing.
Next.
♪ Un bel di, vedremo ♪
♪ Levarsi un fil di fumo... ♪
Puccini's a little
well-trod, don't you think?
This isn't right.
This isn't how it was at all.
I remember that night so vividly.
Monty, time to go on stage.
Yes, Mama.
Your little butterscotch
drop won't let you down.
Aw, who's candy?
You's candy.
Oh, I'm gonna lick you,
my sweet little lolly.
Who likes Mommy's licks?
Monty likes Mommy's licks.
Lickity, lickity, lick.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh. Oh, ho, ho.
But the butterscotch soon
turned to bitter squelch.
I want everything just
as it was back then.
The stage filled with children
like those from 1913.
High-spirited, snaggletoothed,
and willing to work 18 hours a day.
Attention.
An old man is prowling the school,
looking for young children.
Please, perform for him.
Watch me make this nerd disappear.
Ta-da!
Also, haw-haw!
Excellent villain.
And my cast is complete.
I'll just save the list and...
Samson himself could not
pry open these jaws.
Can I help you, sir?
Oh, women aren't meant
for clasp opening.
Young lady, if there's one thing I know
about show business, it's that
there are a lot of clipboards.
How would you like to be
my assistant director?
Hmm.
And I'll be perfectly positioned
to find out exactly what Mr.
Burns is really up to.
I'm in.
And if you need another act,
I also play this.
There's no room in my show
for Adolphe Sax's vile-sounding o-phone.
Do you ever say anything
in a simple way?
Shut up.
Well, that was clear.
Hey, Homer, are you sure we haven't let
the plant slip with Mr. Burns gone?
Smitty, as a wise, old man once said,
"Out with the old...
and in with the brew."
That's enough.
But I haven't started my act.
Muntz, what have you got?
A rabbit in a bag.
Ooh, a promising magic trick.
No, it's my lunch.
Bah! You're all incompetent.
I won't go through this a second time.
Second time?
Is there something
you're not telling us?
A vast amount.
And what part of "What I've never
told you" don't you understand?
Mother, what is that
sound they're making?
Well, it's called laughter.
You're a laughingstock, Charles.
Oh, oh, it's awful.
This show isn't good enough.
No show could be good enough.
It's not?
What are you doing?
Da-da-do-doo! Getting ready for Monday.
I'm gonna fill a Super
Soaker full of lemonade,
Carl's gonna fill one with iced tea,
and we're gonna Arnold Palmer
Lenny when he walks in.
Arnold Palmer Lenny.
You're going to Arnold Palmer Lenny.
Yeah, you see, Arnold
Palmer was a golfer
and he made up this drink
where it's not a full glass of lemonade
or a full glass of iced tea.
Instead...
Homie, I'm worried about all
this silliness at work.
You're the safety inspector.
I'm a safety inspector.
Not the.
I've never seen another.
What... wait, one safety inspector?
For the whole nuclear plant?
That's insane.
Put everything in the car
and get out of town.
I'll find you, if there are still roads!
Sweetie, sweetie, all you've
got to do is be responsible.
Your friends consider you the leader
because you're a little taller.
Hmm. Wow.
Wow!
With above-average height comes
above-average responsibility.
Marge, thank you for
setting me straight.
You're welcome.
Okay, I want to open this show
with someone being shot into a cannon.
You're joking, right?
Well, because, see, that's impossible.
Gah! Oh.
Everyone, little miss
nitpick hates the show,
so I'm shutting it down.
This was an act.
Now it's just bullying.
Thanks a lot, Lisa.
We were getting out of school for this.
Well if isn't the little girl
that made a billionaire cry.
May I please speak with Mr. Burns?
No, he's very busy.
Won't you please come
back and do the show?
Shan't.
Oh, that bell has quite the recoil.
Oh, what is bothering him?
And what were those weird
lines around his eyes?
I know.
It's such a tragedy on
that beautiful face.
Come here.
Well, there's only one explanation
for those lines, Lisa.
He's been watching something
on the Mutoscope.
So, if I play this,
I'll know the answer.
Mm-hmm.
It, uh, costs a nickel.
So this is what made Mr.
Burns the monster he is.
Within days
half of America was
cranking to my bottom.
I think you're trying to make up
for what happened to you then
by putting on a perfect Bowl show now.
Spare me you
amateur psychology.
"Ooh, I saw my father decapitated
by a grain harvester
"and now I can't enjoy wheat. Boohoo."
Mr. Burns, I want you to
listen to that crowd.
Do you really want to let those
happy, joyous people win?
Smithers, locate my dickey.
We've got a show to do.
Springfield Nuclear.
Yes, yes, sir, I'll alert the workers...
that the pizzas are here!
Oh, yeah, here he comes.
The life of this party!
Who wants to get back to work?
What?
We are a public trust.
We bring power to people's homes.
Lightbulbs, toasters, and
that's all I can think of.
Now let's buckle down!
Okay, Homer, just let us
get our microwave popcorn
out of the core.
You're only supposed to do that
when we're watching a movie in the core.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, that's the easiest time
anyone's had parking at
the Springfield Bowl.
Don't you laugh at me!
Now, enjoy the show.
God always liked you best.
No, God loves everyone equally.
That's wonderful news.
Enough of your tomfoolery, Todd.
Let's sing.
BOTH: ♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪
♪ Hallelu... ♪
Say, Sockie, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
That was no lady.
That was your mother.
Oh, she'll date anyone.
Why won't she give me a stable home?
Haw-haw!
Um, this is just a simple twins trick.
They pulled the other
twin out of the tank
behind the curtain.
Wait, that wasn't part of the show.
No. No, it's not fair!
I was good!
Arnold.
Palmer!
Fantastic.
What a finale, eh, Mr. Burns?
Childhood trauma cured, huh, huh?
That wasn't the finale.
Maestro, "Golden
Slippers," if you please.
Ooh, boy.
We can't let him make a
fool of himself again.
No, no, Mr. Burns needs to do this.
♪ Oh, dem golden slippers ♪
♪ Oh, dem gold... ♪
Ow, the burn. Ooh!
Mr. Burns can't take the
impact of that many photons.
Those light-shining fools!
Ow! Ah!
Oh, for a murder of crows
to pluck out mine eyes!
You.
This show was your fault.
Well, you'd better know this, mister.
This town has my back.
And... hey.
Where did they go?
How did 15,000 people leave so fast?
Um... hey!
Want to see me do a cartwheel?
Always had trouble with those.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
At my age, I can't stay
anything at anybody.
Oh, and you know what?
The laughter in my head is gone.
Go ahead, blow your German kazoo.
Yes, sir!
Smithers, tap my foot for me.
With impatience.
Now, lift my arm so I
can check my watch.
Oh, you really should start doing
some of these things yourself.
Dad, why do Simpsons always fail?
Oh, sweetie pie, it's a terrible
curse that goes back centuries.
No, no!
Don't answer that.
We just need a place
to stay for the night.
Oh, shouldn't we help them?
Hey, in Zero BC, you
can't trust anybody.
Curse them, Mary!
You curse them, my water just broke!
Please?
You're telling me that really happened?
They looked just like us, didn't they?
Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!
Shh!
_
D'oh!
Ow.
Hola.
♪ Run, don't walk ♪
♪ You might even hear ♪
♪ Maggie talk ♪
♪ Bart the Boy and a dog named Homer ♪
♪ And jokes written on signs ♪
- ♪ It's Simpsons Time. ♪
- Yay!
What a beautiful day
for a family stroll.
Tell that to my aching back!
It's not a family stroll...
Homer forgot where
he parked his car last night,
and now we have to find it.
What a beautiful day to be in denial.
Yeah, Bart. Who cares?
The sun is shining, birds are singing...
people are staring up
at the sky in terror?
Do you see it, Lisa?
There's... nothing... there.
And that's where Lard Lad used to be!
Oh, looks like we better file a report
with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Yeah. Be like that time that
Rodin statue got stolen.
What was the name of
that statue again? Eh...
Ah, let me think. Um...
Thinkin'.
Yeah, still thinkin'.
Still thinkin'.
Uh, either we can fan out and search,
or bunch up and riot.
Oh, balderdash and poppycock.
I say we do not riot.
Riot!
Don't!
Riot!
Don't!
Riot!
And thanks to the equal
number of nonrioters,
the total cost of the
damage is zero dollars.
Homer, were you in that riot?
Marge, please.
I'm a leader in this community.
In response to the outcry,
Lard Lad's parent company,
Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts,
has issued the following statement:
"We are rebranding Lard Lad
with an updated statue."
Ooh, rebranding.
That just means admitting failure, Dad.
Ooh, admitting failure.
People of Springfield,
please welcome Mr....
I know I'm gonna mangle this...
Lee Fong.
Uh, actually, it's
pronounced Robert Chan.
And now, please welcome the model
for the original Lard Lad,
Mr. Laird Lad.
A lot of crazy names today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Lard Lad's bold,
focus-grouped, new look!
That doesn't say donuts!
That says management overthink!
The Thinker!
That statue's called The Thinker.
What? What are we on now?
What?
People, let's give the
new statue a chance.
When the Eiffel Tower was first built,
many said it was a steel monstrosity.
It still is.
Fine, but maybe this will grow on you.
Aw, this thing sucks. I don't think so.
Well, at-at-at a certain angle...
It's beautiful.
- We love it.
- That's beautiful.
You fools!
You've erected a massive
concave reflective surface.
It will focus the sun's
beam in a deadly ray.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
- Uh.
Hey!
First off, I'd like
to thank the good people
at Tianjin Smelting and
Mining and Donuts and Tarps
for neutralizing our wonderful,
deadly, new Lard Lad.
Yeah, that's great.
They'll grow back.
The time for mourning and
blaming our mayors hasassed.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild!
We will rebuild!
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
I guess there's only one
man we can turn to.
Supergirl?!
So... you'd like me to save the town.
Well, you've got gumption,
I'll give you that.
And such an adorable baby,
it really restores my... my faith in...
in the, uh...
Smithers, where is the
damn trapdoor button?
Mr. Burns, you already trap-doored us
from your upstairs office.
Yes.
And how was your fall?
Painful? Unexpected?
- Oh, yeah.
- Worst I've ever had.
- Oh! Really...
- Really...
- Pulled something.
- Totally painful.
Did not see it coming.
Excellent.
So... remind me what I was saying no to.
Funding repairs to the town.
But if you could do even
one little project.
Reducking the duck pond
or fixing up the Springfield Bowl.
The Springfield Bowl.
Very well.
I will rebuild this
town on one condition.
Forget it.
Our desperate plea is nonnegotiable.
I want to put on a variety
show at the Bowl.
A celebration of everything
wonderful about... um,
what's the name of this town again?
Springfield, sir.
Yes, I will destroy Springfield.
Celebrate, sir.
Springfield has risen from
the ashes like a phoenix.
That's phoenix, the mythical bird,
not Phoenix, the cultureless,
Mars-scape of the Southwest.
Our unlikely angel,
the devil himself, C. Montgomery Burns.
Thank you, Kent.
And don't forget the open auditions
for my Springfield Follies.
This year women may audition, too,
with permission of husband,
father and pastor in writing.
Next.
♪ Un bel di, vedremo ♪
♪ Levarsi un fil di fumo... ♪
Puccini's a little
well-trod, don't you think?
This isn't right.
This isn't how it was at all.
I remember that night so vividly.
Monty, time to go on stage.
Yes, Mama.
Your little butterscotch
drop won't let you down.
Aw, who's candy?
You's candy.
Oh, I'm gonna lick you,
my sweet little lolly.
Who likes Mommy's licks?
Monty likes Mommy's licks.
Lickity, lickity, lick.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh. Oh, ho, ho.
But the butterscotch soon
turned to bitter squelch.
I want everything just
as it was back then.
The stage filled with children
like those from 1913.
High-spirited, snaggletoothed,
and willing to work 18 hours a day.
Attention.
An old man is prowling the school,
looking for young children.
Please, perform for him.
Watch me make this nerd disappear.
Ta-da!
Also, haw-haw!
Excellent villain.
And my cast is complete.
I'll just save the list and...
Samson himself could not
pry open these jaws.
Can I help you, sir?
Oh, women aren't meant
for clasp opening.
Young lady, if there's one thing I know
about show business, it's that
there are a lot of clipboards.
How would you like to be
my assistant director?
Hmm.
And I'll be perfectly positioned
to find out exactly what Mr.
Burns is really up to.
I'm in.
And if you need another act,
I also play this.
There's no room in my show
for Adolphe Sax's vile-sounding o-phone.
Do you ever say anything
in a simple way?
Shut up.
Well, that was clear.
Hey, Homer, are you sure we haven't let
the plant slip with Mr. Burns gone?
Smitty, as a wise, old man once said,
"Out with the old...
and in with the brew."
That's enough.
But I haven't started my act.
Muntz, what have you got?
A rabbit in a bag.
Ooh, a promising magic trick.
No, it's my lunch.
Bah! You're all incompetent.
I won't go through this a second time.
Second time?
Is there something
you're not telling us?
A vast amount.
And what part of "What I've never
told you" don't you understand?
Mother, what is that
sound they're making?
Well, it's called laughter.
You're a laughingstock, Charles.
Oh, oh, it's awful.
This show isn't good enough.
No show could be good enough.
It's not?
What are you doing?
Da-da-do-doo! Getting ready for Monday.
I'm gonna fill a Super
Soaker full of lemonade,
Carl's gonna fill one with iced tea,
and we're gonna Arnold Palmer
Lenny when he walks in.
Arnold Palmer Lenny.
You're going to Arnold Palmer Lenny.
Yeah, you see, Arnold
Palmer was a golfer
and he made up this drink
where it's not a full glass of lemonade
or a full glass of iced tea.
Instead...
Homie, I'm worried about all
this silliness at work.
You're the safety inspector.
I'm a safety inspector.
Not the.
I've never seen another.
What... wait, one safety inspector?
For the whole nuclear plant?
That's insane.
Put everything in the car
and get out of town.
I'll find you, if there are still roads!
Sweetie, sweetie, all you've
got to do is be responsible.
Your friends consider you the leader
because you're a little taller.
Hmm. Wow.
Wow!
With above-average height comes
above-average responsibility.
Marge, thank you for
setting me straight.
You're welcome.
Okay, I want to open this show
with someone being shot into a cannon.
You're joking, right?
Well, because, see, that's impossible.
Gah! Oh.
Everyone, little miss
nitpick hates the show,
so I'm shutting it down.
This was an act.
Now it's just bullying.
Thanks a lot, Lisa.
We were getting out of school for this.
Well if isn't the little girl
that made a billionaire cry.
May I please speak with Mr. Burns?
No, he's very busy.
Won't you please come
back and do the show?
Shan't.
Oh, that bell has quite the recoil.
Oh, what is bothering him?
And what were those weird
lines around his eyes?
I know.
It's such a tragedy on
that beautiful face.
Come here.
Well, there's only one explanation
for those lines, Lisa.
He's been watching something
on the Mutoscope.
So, if I play this,
I'll know the answer.
Mm-hmm.
It, uh, costs a nickel.
So this is what made Mr.
Burns the monster he is.
Within days
half of America was
cranking to my bottom.
I think you're trying to make up
for what happened to you then
by putting on a perfect Bowl show now.
Spare me you
amateur psychology.
"Ooh, I saw my father decapitated
by a grain harvester
"and now I can't enjoy wheat. Boohoo."
Mr. Burns, I want you to
listen to that crowd.
Do you really want to let those
happy, joyous people win?
Smithers, locate my dickey.
We've got a show to do.
Springfield Nuclear.
Yes, yes, sir, I'll alert the workers...
that the pizzas are here!
Oh, yeah, here he comes.
The life of this party!
Who wants to get back to work?
What?
We are a public trust.
We bring power to people's homes.
Lightbulbs, toasters, and
that's all I can think of.
Now let's buckle down!
Okay, Homer, just let us
get our microwave popcorn
out of the core.
You're only supposed to do that
when we're watching a movie in the core.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, that's the easiest time
anyone's had parking at
the Springfield Bowl.
Don't you laugh at me!
Now, enjoy the show.
God always liked you best.
No, God loves everyone equally.
That's wonderful news.
Enough of your tomfoolery, Todd.
Let's sing.
BOTH: ♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪
♪ Hallelu... ♪
Say, Sockie, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
That was no lady.
That was your mother.
Oh, she'll date anyone.
Why won't she give me a stable home?
Haw-haw!
Um, this is just a simple twins trick.
They pulled the other
twin out of the tank
behind the curtain.
Wait, that wasn't part of the show.
No. No, it's not fair!
I was good!
Arnold.
Palmer!
Fantastic.
What a finale, eh, Mr. Burns?
Childhood trauma cured, huh, huh?
That wasn't the finale.
Maestro, "Golden
Slippers," if you please.
Ooh, boy.
We can't let him make a
fool of himself again.
No, no, Mr. Burns needs to do this.
♪ Oh, dem golden slippers ♪
♪ Oh, dem gold... ♪
Ow, the burn. Ooh!
Mr. Burns can't take the
impact of that many photons.
Those light-shining fools!
Ow! Ah!
Oh, for a murder of crows
to pluck out mine eyes!
You.
This show was your fault.
Well, you'd better know this, mister.
This town has my back.
And... hey.
Where did they go?
How did 15,000 people leave so fast?
Um... hey!
Want to see me do a cartwheel?
Always had trouble with those.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
At my age, I can't stay
anything at anybody.
Oh, and you know what?
The laughter in my head is gone.
Go ahead, blow your German kazoo.
Yes, sir!
Smithers, tap my foot for me.
With impatience.
Now, lift my arm so I
can check my watch.
Oh, you really should start doing
some of these things yourself.
Dad, why do Simpsons always fail?
Oh, sweetie pie, it's a terrible
curse that goes back centuries.
No, no!
Don't answer that.
We just need a place
to stay for the night.
Oh, shouldn't we help them?
Hey, in Zero BC, you
can't trust anybody.
Curse them, Mary!
You curse them, my water just broke!
Please?
You're telling me that really happened?
They looked just like us, didn't they?
Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!
Shh!