The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 28, Episode 3 - The Town - full transcript

Homer takes the family on a "hate-cation" to Boston after he catches Bart rooting for a rival football team.

Announcer:
You're watching the simpsons.

You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.

Catch all-new episodes sundays,

And check out our other fox
programs, brooklyn nine-nine,

Bob's burgers and family guy.

What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?

Only on fox.

Homer:
Come on, marge, where's dinner?

What's the holdup
in there?

(to "charge" fanfare):
♪ pot-pop-pot-pot pot pies!

A pie for bart...



Come on,
put them down already.

...A veggie pie
for lisa...

Why do you have
to describe everything?

...A baby pie for maggie.

The pies know
who they're for.

A dog pie for
santa's little helper.
What? The dog...

The dog before me?

Now, be sure to
cut it open first

So the pie has time to cool.

(screams) I'm done.

I know you're in a hurry to go
to the bar to watch football,

But first I want you
to put the kids to bed.

(groans loudly)

(strains, grunts)



"everything after the tornado
was a dream. The end."

(tires screech)

Announcer:
Going into halftime,

It's springfield atoms 7,
boston americans 10.

Oh, come on,
we cannot lose again

To those no-good
boston cheaters!

I-I can't stand that
pretty-boy quarterback.

Thinks he's so handsome,

Just 'cause he's
drop-dead gorgeous.

The only boston wins
is because they cheat!

Listening in
on our teams' headsets,

Fattening our cheerleaders.

You know,
for three games last year,

Boston used a volleyball
painted brown.

(boston accent):
That was never proven,

You springfield screw-job.

Ugh, boston fans.

In town for the
dennis lehane book tour.

Go kiss a kennedy, you rule-
breaking cranberry squeezers!

We don't cheat.

We won 12 division
titles in ten years,

Fair and square.

You dorks are just jealous
of all our championship rings.

All:
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

You're the one
who's jealous.

I only wish I could be
as jealous as you.

Geez, jay, this place has got

More knobs
than a hardware store.

I hate this town.

So don't I.
Friggin' doorknobs.

(laughter)
automatic.

Both:
Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Announcer:
It's fourth and long,

The americans' last chance

For a miracle.

Come on, springfield,
put it away!

We're gonna win one.
We're finally gonna win one!

Announcer: The qb handsomely
takes the snap,

Sexily steps back to pass,

And with god-given good looks,
fires it downfield!

But there's no one there
to receive it!

(groaning)

(scoffs)
nice pass.

What a first-ballot
hall-of-fame loser.

Announcer: But the ball is
caught by the americans' mascot,

Flappy the flag!

Flappy running unopposed
into the end zone

For a surely illegal touchdown.

Throwing to the mascot?

After further review,
flappy the flag is listed

On the americans' 53-man roster
and reported eligible.

The result of the play
is a touchdown.

(crowd cheering)

Announcer:
Once again, the americans

Found a way to win.

(chuckles)
oh, that'll put a smile

On coach bonderchuck's face.

(crowd cheering)

(cheering)
oh, not again!

They cheated! You cheated!

Did not. You got to
cover the mascot.

Use your noggin. Play smart.

Flappy's on the roster.

(chanting):
On the roster!

On the roster!
On the roster!

On the roster, my butt.

Once again,
those boston cheaters

Think the rules
don't apply to them.

And they're so smug
about winning.

If I ever won anything,
I wouldn't be smug about it.

I'd be class
all the way,

Like mark harmon--
pure american elegance.

I tell ya, the next
boston fan I see,

I'm just gonna lose it.

Lose it so hard.

And... What the...

What is... How could...

That hat! Your head!

That team.

My son!

Hey, dad, caught
the game last night.

Tough loss
for your guys.

Guess we just
wanted it more.

(sarcastically):
Oh, am I in the right house?

Because no one
in my house

Would ever be caught dead
wearing boston americans gear.

Dead!

I feel ya, homer.

Sucks to be a loser.

Unlike the six-time
mega-bowl champion

Boston americans.

Mwah! (smooches)

Ring, ring, ring.

(frustrated grunts)

Give me that hat.

(growls)

(grunting, snorting)

Olé!

(sighs) your father never
could resist an "olé."

Eh, he'll run out
of steam soon.

(homer groaning)

(laughter)

Get in.

(milhouse and nelson scream)

(gulps)

Look around, son.

This is your hometown.

And the springfield atoms
are your hometown team--

Since 2003, when we stole them

In the middle of the night
from portland.

What kind of life
can you have here

As a boston fan?

See?

Why are you wearing
that boston hat?

This is
atoms country, bro!

I would pluck out my own eyes
if I did not have a call-back

For a web-only
olive garden commercial.

They're just trying
to hat shame me.

Face it, dad, boston is
the bart simpson of cities.

All those awesome southies
in the departed,

(chuckles)
those are my people.

People? The dog and the
baby are your people.

(sighs) it all goes back
to the boston tea party,

A prank so kick-ass
it started a country.

(tires screech)

Come on, pal, what do you say?

Just lose the hat,
for your old man.

Nope, I think I'll stick
with the bad boys.

Get it off before god sees.

(whimpering)

(groans):
Oh!

And the people from boston
are so obnoxious.

They think their stupid city
has the best everything:

Bands, comedians, chowder,

Their so-called cream pies,
which are actually cakes.

And there's...
Why don't you let me

Take your mind off
your problems?

And what's
with aerosmith?

That's not how
you spell "arrow."

The... Oh.

(both moaning)

(confused grunting)

(whimpering)

Do your job, homer.

(homer screams)

Bart, you're my son.

There's no neck
tattoo so crass,

No gender reassignment
too ambiguous

That I would not love you.

Which is why I must show you
the error of your ways,

Even if it means dragging
this family all the way to hell.

A vacation to boston?

No, not a vay-cation,

A hate-cation!

Where you experience
the worst a place has to offer,

And then say, "told ya!"

Hate-watching, hate-voting
and now a hate-cation?

Why can't everyone just
enjoy things they like?

Because things you like
don't fill you

With delicious,
delicious rage.

Hmm, I'm gonna
love this trip.

I'm gonna love it
right in your face.

That's it,
build it up in your head.

High hopes just make
the hate-cation stronger.

You're crazy.

Boston can't
be that bad.

(horns honking)

I've never loved
hating anything so much!

Move your
garbage car!

I got to get to the packy
before the b's drop puck!

Told ya!

See, boy? Notice how bostonians
aren't exactly ugly,

But they're not
sexy either.

Homer, your negative attitude
is ruining this hate-cation.

So, what to hate first?

The freedom trail?

The touch tank
at the new England aquarium?

Ooh, that could blow.

I want to go to southie.

That part of town has the
towniest townies of any town.

(scoffs) you think your
bostonians are so great?

Watch as your
beloved hooligans

Tear your innocent father
limb from limb

With just
the slightest provocation.

Listen up, you clam-gargling
tea-tossers!

Fenway is a terrible ballpark!

Dad, don't!

Out of my way, ladies.
You're blocking my shot.

The seats at fenway park
are too narrow,

And many of them
face center field!

It's not charming,
it's a teardown!

(boston accent):
The bobbleheads!

They're tippin'!

(boston accent):
Kid, mind the cart!

The what?
The cart!

The cot?

Cot!

(grunting)

No, don't struggle!

It only makes them
bobble harder.

They keep coming.
Bobblehead steven wright,

Bobblehead aimee mann,
bobblehead bell biv devoe!

The vibrations are killing him!

Don't worry, sweetheart,

I'm a doctor.

I'm also a doctor, kid.

(groaning)

Mm, so many doctors.

He's got a pedro
lodged in his airway.

(homer gasps)

He'll be fine, ma'am.

And because of our state's
super-socialized health care,

No matter how much your husband
abuses his body,

Someone else will pay for it.

What a relief for women
with hot-tempered,

Accident-prone husbands.

Oh, yeah, we got
a whole surgical center

For injuries from falling off
icy roofs and gutters.

Both:
Ooh.

While the doctors pull tiny
bruins helmets out of your skin,

Lisa and I are going to
explore the hub on our own.

Remember, this is
a hate-cation.

You better go
someplace bad.

Isn't mayor quimby from
somewhere around here?

(all muttering
with thick accents)

People are so fit here.

Everyone looks like they're
in a financial services ad.

Free sunscreen?
So progressive.

Do you vaccinate
your children?

Of course.

But not stupid
progressive.

(low buzzing)
what's that buzzing noise?

(gasps)
it's-it's nerds!

They've got every
recognized species of nerd!

A jester-hatted
ferret preener!

A wild west-afarian!

A magic: The gathering
gathering!

Oculus rifters!

Yo-yo guys.
Yo-yo girls!

A chain mail ping pong player.

(giggles, squeals)

So much education.

If they did
a real housewiveshere,

It would be a total snooze.

Ah, it's like
heaven for people

Who don't believe
in heaven.

Homer:
What the crap is this bs?

What? I thought you'd want
to try candlepin bowling.

Hey, mccarthy,
nice half-worcester.

Get bent, mcdonald.

A lot of wood
to work with out there.

(sputters)
boston.

They even found a way
to mess up bowling.

Just try it.

(groans)

Eh, all right.

(grunts)

None of the usual pain
in my knees, back,

Wrist, shoulder,
neck, and chest.

(grunts)

(groans)
one pin standing.

Story of my life.

Whoa there, pal.

Don't forget
your third ball.

Hold on, wait.

Wait. Hold on.

Wait.

What?

This is candlepin bowling.

You get three.

Hmm? Hmm.

(grunts)

(gasps)
three balls.

I see it all so clearly now.

What, dad? What is it?

This regional bowling
with its one extra roll

Has knocked my misguided hate
into the gutter.

Mwah!

I like boston!

Dad, you and me are real
father-son southies, now.

Just like ben and casey affleck.

Son, show me everything
this town has to offer.

("the man in me" by bob dylan
playing)

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la

♪ ooh ♪

♪ la la la la la

♪ la la la la

♪ la la la la la la la

♪ la la la la

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ la la la

♪ ooh ♪
♪ la la la la la la la la...

(gulps)

You know, for a cake,

This boston cream pie
isn't so bad.

Look at them. So innocent.

Not bart, but go on.

I never dared dream
about living somewhere

That values education,
with great health care,

And everyone's outdoorsy

But still pallid.

If it weren't crazy,

I'd say we should be
raising our kids here.

But no. No, no. That's crazy!

Is it?

(gasps) but I never thought
you, of all people...

Honey, this could be the chance
we never thought we'd get.

The chance to knock down
all of life's pins.

Are you saying what I think
you're saying?

I am. Fate is offering us
a third ball.

Do you mean it?
Are we going to move to boston?

I knew I didn't pay this
month's mortgage for a reason.

(both sigh)

(kisses)

(st. Elsewhere theme playing)

We did it!
We really did it!

We made a life change.

I love these colonial quilts
on the wall.

Now, I can take a nap
standing up.

Check it out, kid.

This movie's my life now.

You want to rob
the harvard coop?

Why don't we just
break into fort knox?

These snobs think mass ave.
Belongs to them.

It's our ave.

Whoa! I got to get one of those
"x" necklaces to kiss.

This is all happening so fast.

Can we really afford
to live in a city

With a symphony and a pops?

(laughing):
Don't worry, baby.

I have a line on a sweet
safety inspector gig.

Very sweet.

Homer:
Can I get a test on batch six?

I'm finally living my dream

Of never not being around
batches of candy.

And unlike the nuclear plant,

If I screw up, no one gets hurt.

(screaming)

Are you sure we have
to go to school here?

I sort of thought I'd go
straight to running numbers

For the irish mob.

Our school is in the heart
of what they once called

The combat zone.

The combat zone! Yes!

Combat rules!

Bart:
Charter what?

Here's my classroom.

The teacher is
doris kearns goodwin.

Today, we explore lincoln's 1861
suspension of habeas corpus,

Using dried macaroni
and pipe cleaners.

(gasps excitedly)

Huh, now to get sent
to detention.

That's where I'll meet
my future bank-robbing crew.

(all gasping)

Ha! How do you like
them marbles?

Bart, we have a place
for kids like you.

Bring it on.

(choir humming
"I'm shipping up to boston")

Bart:
Kids singing?

(humming continues)

What the hell?

Like you, these kids are gifted
with exceptional energy.

Which they've channeled
into a cappella.

♪ I'm shipping up to boston

♪ whoa!

(softly):
Departed.

These are the bad kids?

There's not a wahlberg
in the bunch.

I've never felt
more like I fit in.

People think boston's all
southies and hooligans.

But it's really teachers,
ph.D. Students,

Doctors, innovators,
philanthropists.

It's like living in
a giant classroom.

And every day
is a new test.

(groaning)

(thunder claps)

Theater?

Colleges?

Culture?

Oh, pauly,

If you could have known that

Boston was gonna turn out
so wussy,

You never would have
warned anybody.

Listen, my brother,
and you shall see,

This is a town not for you,
but for me.

(screaming)

Hey, but what about grampa?

He lives a thousand
miles away.

Great point.

Nobody tell him where we went.

Bart, you haven't touched
your clambake.

What's wrong?

This place is all p.C.
Brainiacs and subaru owners

Wearing fleece vests.

It's nothing at all
like the departed.

Oh, honey, I know
it's a big change.

But someday you'll understand
that providing our family

With a better life...

Something I've never
been able to do.

...Is the most important thing
in the world.

We've been given
a third ball.

Let's not throw it away.

(groans)

Same to you.

No one likes feeling
out of place.

That's how I felt
back in springfield.

But I sucked it up
for eight years.

Now it's your turn.

(grunts)

(gasps)

Yes! Finally.

A southie crew pulling a job.

I finally took that
spin class with miranda.

I was sweatin'
so friggin' hard.

Hey, try
this pressed juice, kid.

Ginger, cayenne...
Wicked cleanse, pal.

Come on. Donny, tommy,

These solar laptops for rwandans

Ain't gonna donate themselves.

It's time for me to ship
out of boston.

What a gorgeous day.

I hope it never ends.

So don't I.

You know, guys, I've picked out
the perfect boston activity

To help celebrate our move.

(marching band playing)

Ooh, a parade.

Not just any parade.

Homer:
The boston americans?

Crowd (chanting):
Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!

It's a state holiday
because the league

Overturned the coach's
suspension

For using magnets
to affect the coin toss.

Pretty cool way to celebrate
our new hometown.

Right, dad?

(forced): As a bostonian,
I definitely support my team.

Hey, bonk!
Can we get a picture?

Hell to the derrr, little bro!

(grunting)

Come on, homer, put on the hat.

I can support my hometown team
without putting on a hat.

Hats go on your head!

If you're gonna live in boston,
you got to wear the hat.

(winces)

Okay.

(grunting, blowing)

You did this on purpose.

My future is at stake.

So don't is mine.

(struggling):
Just... A... Hat.

You can do it, homie.

Think of the candlepins.

This is our extra ball!

A... Better... Life.

(yells)

(all gasping)

(quacking)

Derrr!

Stupid cheaters!

You cheat,

You flip out when people
say you cheat,

And everybody knows

You're nothing but a big bunch
of cheaters!

(chuckling)

You made us leave
that lovely city

Rather than just
put on a stupid hat.

It wasn't even fitted.

(sighs)
I just couldn't wear the hat.

Well, I'm still mad at you.

I never even got to experience
one of those boston winters

Everyone raves about.

Come on, baby, we could
never escape our problems

By moving somewhere else.

Our problems are who we
are, not where we are.

Well... Maybe.

The traffic was
pretty annoying.

Not to mention
the unspoken racism.

It wasn't that unspoken.

At least someone
in this family

Is happy about
where they came from.

Oh, don't worry, lisa.

You'll get back
to boston someday.

What are you
talking about?

I never left.

I'm in boston now.

Welcome home, lisa.

Class is about to start.

(classical music playing)

Eh.

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

(choir humming
"I'm shipping up to boston")

♪ I'm shipping up to boston

♪ shipping up, shipping up ♪

♪ I'm shipping up to boston

♪ shipping up to boston, whoa ♪

♪ I'm shipping up to boston

♪ yeah ♪

♪ shipping up to boston

♪ whoa! ♪

Departed!