The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 9 - Barthood - full transcript
A tale of Bart's journey from youth to adulthood, where he is constantly in search of approval from his father and in the shadow of his more-successful younger sister.
Ho, ho, ho!
D'oh!
Oh, are we gonna stay
Roto-Rootered like this
the whole show?
It's rotoscoped, Dad.
Whatever it is,
it's making me sick.
A noble experiment that failed.
♪ The Simpsons 27x09 ♪
Barthood
Original Air Date on December 13, 2015
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Why is the sky blue?
Hmm...
I don't know.
Just is.
Why are clouds white?
No clue.
Why are people yellow?
It's the way
God made them.
Why is grass green?
So you can find
your damn golf ball.
Now I have
a question for you.
Why did you leave your
toy car on the stairs?
Why is blood red?
Why do you ask?
It's coming out your ear.
D'oh!
So you'll be staying with Grampa
while your father
is on the mend.
Don't let him
near me!
Ah!
Ow!
Do it again, boy.
I bet he can't control it.
Ow!
Aah! Ow...
Bart, you shouldn't...
Maybe one more.
Aah! Ow!
Want to play cars?
Oh, boy, if I go down there,
I ain't coming up.
My dad won't play
cars with me, either.
Calm down,
Melvin Q. Mopenheimer.
There's other ways
of playing cars.
Feast your eyes
on the most beautiful
machine ever made:
the 1954 Studebaker
Starliner Commander!
I bought it
brand-new
and forgot about
it till today.
Can I sit in it?
Well, I don't know
how you expect to drive it
if you ain't sitting in it.
Grampa! I can't drive.
Neither can I, legally.
Now let's get going!
♪ ♪
You know you can
season these things
with pepper spray,
don't you?
Aah! Aah!
I need water
in my eyes.
Let's open her up a little.
Homer never showed such spirit.
You got gumption, boy.
I wish this day
would never end.
Aw, sorry, Bart.
Time don't stop.
The years go by
and you don't
even realize it.
♪ ♪
Grampa, I told you
to get him home by 5:00.
His tutor's here
to teach him to read.
When I was a boy,
I ain't never did not need
no tutor either no how!
Yes, sirree, ain't!
"S-See... the...
m-m-mou... m-m-m..."
"See the mouse.
"Mouse hits cat.
Cat goes splat."
Very good, Lisa.
Very, very good!
And with barely
any knowledge
of diphthongs,
sibilants and phonemes.
How come she can read
and I can't?
All right,
calm down, young man.
Not to worry,
you won't need to read.
You see, customers will
just point to a picture
of the burger that
they want you to flip.
Because you're not
gonna have anything going.
Very nice painting, Lisa.
We're putting it
right over the couch.
I made a drawing, too!
It's on the refrigerator!
And the wall.
And the curtains.
Boy, you've ruined our kitchen!
Do you understand?
This is a place
of pork chops.
But... do you like my drawing?
Homer, please,
please.
Just say
something positive.
Well, it's a...
colorful example of...
something that...
ruined our kitchen!
I can't even find the fridge!
You're not beer.
Where is it?
And who are you?
We're playing
hide and seek.
I'm Milhouse.
Milhouse? What kind of
a wiener name is that?
A very bad one, sir.
That boy is so much trouble.
Never should have
had a firstborn.
Should've skipped
right to the second.
There's one thing
I can do better than you.
I've finished painting the wall
and it's better than new.
In some ways,
this was kind of a bless...
Ha! I got gumption!
Bart's disruptive
behavior
is probably caused
by his feeling
that you think
other children
are more deserving
of attention.
Mm, I see.
And how can we help
these other children?
We're here for Bart.
In a boy like Bart...
Yeah?
...the attention he craves
most is from his father.
Pfft. Good luck
with that.
Take him camping!
I do want to
help him, I do.
And your son is just
looking for your love.
Geez.
For a psychologist,
you sure know how to get
into people's heads.
♪ ♪
And I brought
my flashlight
so we can find our
way in the dark,
and my scissors
to cut wood into kindling,
and an air horn
to scare away bears.
Wh... why are we stopping?
This is where
we're camping, son.
I thought we were
going to stay
in a tent in the woods.
Like the kids that got killed
in that movie you took me to.
Son, the woods this time
of year are very outdoorsy.
But we'll do
fun things.
Oh, listen!
Do you hear that?
It's the sound
of an ice machine.
Great.
Come on, let's go hunt...
for the registration desk.
Andreychuk passes
ahead to Hamilton...
it's too far in front...
and the ref waves off the icing.
The TV is north
of the bed.
Better hit the hay, son.
Learning this new remote
really took something out of me.
Never saw a menu button
colored green before.
Whew!
Crazy buttons.
So, how was
your camping trip
with your father?
Okay.
We got lots of Starwood points
at the hotel.
Oh, my thrifty pioneers.
Lisa, how was school?
The teacher gave me this.
"Student of
the month"! Wow.
How long have you been
in that school?
A month.
I've been there two years
and no one ever
gave me anything!
Aw, poor kid.
Are you taking
his dessert?
Yes, I am.
Up to him.
Are you eating that cake?
What? No.
Son, I know it may
not seem like it now,
but you're gonna be glad
to have a sister
when you grow up.
You're always gonna
like her better than me.
That's not true.
I love you both
the same amount: 40%.
Gotta leave room
in the budget.
Then will you put
this on your car?
I'll be proud to.
Hmm...
Ooh, both those bumper stickers
mean so much to me.
Oh...
Happy birthday!
Well, thanks.
But you know I'm not
into Krusty anymore.
You've outgrown Krusty?
First no more
"ay, caramba," now this?
Mom, don't have...
Have a cow, man?
I was gonna say
"don't have a foolish
attachment to the past."
Come on, boy.
Humor your mother.
Oh, fine.
Don't have a cow. Man.
Yeah...
Oh, my God!
I'm Student of the Month
for 48 consecutive months!
Great, honey, great!
But, you know,
it is Bart's birthday.
No, no, no,
this is fine.
Just let me fix this.
There.
Now it's all about you.
Happy?
I'll go get him.
Oh, it's no use.
He's walking kind of fast.
Blam!
Blam!
Blam! Blam!
Hey, you missed one.
Nope, can't do it,
my Grampa lives there.
Stop! Stop right there!
Well, looks like we
finally put an end
to this light-mare
on Elm Street.
Actually, it's
Maple Street, Chief.
Thank you, joke police.
Please don't
arrest me.
It's a victimless
crime!
Oh, I can't see!
Looks like a case of
Molemanslaughter.
Did that sound
right to you, Lou?
I like it.
Thanks for letting me
hide here, Grampa.
Hiding?
This is the best visit
I've had in months!
Aah!
Now, come get
your birthday present.
Whoa!
I've been asking my
parents for this,
but they said
I'd break my neck.
Hey, you're gonna break
your neck sometime.
It's important you do it
when you're young.
Like chicken pox.
Now get out before I say
something else preposterous.
♪ ♪
Mom, it's just the Mayo Clinic
Pre-Medical Summer Camp.
I would've been
totally fine on my own.
No more discussion.
Our cab's here.
Ooh, it's one of
those new Apple cars.
Really think they should've
stuck with computers.
Have a great trip.
Don't you worry.
I'll take good care
of our little guy.
I'm 15!
Oh, our big boy's
getting cranky.
Homer, this summer
may be your last chance
to have a close relationship
with your son.
Don't blow it.
So, boy, look at this.
Just us guys, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Glad we've got
the whole summer,
'cause we got a lot
to talk about.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see.
Um... oh!
When you replace
windshield wipers,
you only need to switch out
the rubber part,
not the whole blade.
Huh, where can you buy
just the rubber part?
I don't know.
Well, I'm glad I told you
that before I died.
So, uh, I'll go to Moe's
while you sort it out, huh?
♪ ♪
Yes!
Hey, thanks for coming.
After washing dishes for a year
they bumped me to prep,
which means I draw up
the schedule, babe.
Wow, no more
Mr. Minimum Wage.
I didn't say that.
So I just got out of juvie
for the streetlight thing.
But I'm not mad.
I've learned that the
greatest crime of all
is a life without faith.
What's wrong?
Is the cross not big enough?!
Wow, you make out just
like Terri said you do.
Wait, you're not Terri?
No, I'm Sherri.
But the further we go,
the more you'll
know the difference.
Oh, weed.
That can get me
into a lot of trouble.
Hey, idiots, the bong
stays in the tree house!
Hey, boy.
Are you crazy?
What if the cops come?
You're here, too?
Yeah, must be weird for you.
And-and think about this, man--
the whole world
is happening right now.
I mean, India, China.
It's crazy.
Can you just leave me here
with my dad?
All right, sure.
I can fly!
No, no, I can't!
I can't!
Dad, why is it you and I
are never on the same page?
Officer down, man.
Boy, when you arrived,
I was terrified.
Because it meant
I wasn't a kid anymore.
I had responsibilities.
Truth is, I'm just like you.
A misunderstood guy who wants
his family to love him.
And maybe we could
start with a hug?
Aw, I'm so glad
we're sharing this.
And I'm glad I have
one kid who's never
gonna go anywhere
or do anything.
Damn it, Homer!
You ruin everything!
Grampa, got to talk to Grampa.
Grampa, I sure miss you, man.
What would you say
if you were here right now?
If you ever get a chance to
pitch woo at Myrna Loy, take it!
She has eyes
like a Persian cat.
Of course in my day,
Persia extended
from Algiers
to Constantinople.
Till the revolt
of the eunuchs in 1916 when...
Ooh, you got gumption, kid.
Find what you love
and follow it to glory.
Yes.
So, we're headed
into the final round
of the Duff Extreme BMX
vert competition.
Let's check the scoreboard
while the half-pipe is being
cleaned by the Blood-Zoni.
Dad, one more
round and I win!
First achievement
I can call my own.
Thank God whatever
this thing is
is considered a sport.
Bart Simpson
to the gate, please.
Oh, good, we're just in time.
Hmm.
It's not the size
of the pennant.
It's what you do with it.
All right, nobody
likes a showoff.
D'oh!
Oh, man, I love to see this.
Simpson's setting up
for his signature
suicide no-hander
540 crank-flip!
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
Finally, I'm me.
Finally out of Lisa's shadow.
No!
Yes! Yes!
Thank God I aced
chest compressions
at Mayo pre-med camp!
And Bart's okay!
The real star of this
BMX tournament is
Lisa Simpson!
Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
You've ruined everything
I've ever done!
Move, quick!
No!
Warned you.
Biker, huh?
I used to bike.
I used to have dreams.
I used to think disco
was coming back.
Now I'm just Stu.
Nothing Stu.
Hey, Bart, you are coming
to my graduation party tonight?
I don't know, man.
It's humiliating.
My little sister's graduating
the same year as me.
Haw-haw!
Nelson, how can you say that
with what's happened to you?
Yeah, well, I bought
a totally bitching car
with the money I got
selling my pituitary gland.
So cool.
I knew I'd break down
when Kearney Jr. graduated.
It's okay, Dad.
We still got K-3.
Right.
Ralph, you joined the army?
Yes, because I needed
a costume for this party.
At college I'm gonna
reinvent myself.
I'll pretend I have
a girlfriend in Canada.
I'll say she lives in Alberta
and her name is Alberta,
so I don't have
to remember two lies.
Bart!
I was getting worried.
I'm your oldest buddy.
I was there when you
got your nose done,
then I was there when you
had your nose undone.
Friends, family, and
a few people we hired
to make our son
look more popular...
I love Milton!
Dad, you're embarrassing me!
As usual.
Yes, it's the only thing
your father does well.
Can't you two put it aside
for one night in honor of me?
No!
No!
Oh.
Ah, what the heck?
Congratulations, Milhouse.
You made it through adolescence
and you're cuter than ever.
Oh, sweet Lisa!
You know I had
a rocky childhood
with all the rocks
they threw at me.
You're the most amazing
thing at this party.
Well, excuse me!
I'm not even the best Simpson
at my best friend's party!
Do you know what it's like to
be second-best at anything?
Yeah, I do!
I'm going to Yale!
Listen here, Bart Simpson!
I am sick and tired
of you blaming me
for every setback
you have ever had!
And you have talents, too,
you idiot.
You're a hell of an artist,
even though you don't
do anything with it.
You think I'm an artist?
And you already have a true
artist's most important asset.
A miserable life.
So if that's all my fault,
you're welcome.
Hey, man.
You're looking good.
Thank God Lisa invented
the artificial pituitary.
Sorry, didn't mean
to use the "L" word.
Listen, man,
a certain someone convinced me
to go around giving back
the lunch money I took.
Here's the first $5,000.
Wow.
Thanks.
What got into you?
Nelson, come on!
We'll miss day six
of the Bolivian Film Festival.
You guys are dating?
Is there any other reason
I'd be going
to a Bolivian Film Festival?
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you, Bart.
I don't really know
how you feel about me.
Well, you told me I was
an artist, and you were right.
I am, and
I get to write on the walls.
Wow, that's beautiful.
I do notice
there's no me.
Ah, those are the breaks.
Why don't I buy you and your
boyfriend a couple beers?
Just let me close up.
That would be nice.
We'll see you at the car.
Aw!
You weren't supposed to see.
Well, I'm glad I did.
Hmm?
You're El Barto?
How is that possible?
Why are clouds brown?
Pollution.
Why is the grass green?
'Cause it's artificial.
Then why are
the sprinklers coming on?
'Cause I was too
lazy to unhook them.
Why aren't we moving?
Because you're drunk
and I'm stoned.
Why does beer
taste so good?
'Cause you've
just had seven.
Did you like the movie Boyhood?
Oh, is that what this was?
How many years
of hair do I have left?
It disappears as soon
as girls like you.
What's the secret of life?
You can avoid
a lot of awkward situations
by pretending
to be on the phone.
Like what?
Hold on,
I got to take this call.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
D'oh!
Oh, are we gonna stay
Roto-Rootered like this
the whole show?
It's rotoscoped, Dad.
Whatever it is,
it's making me sick.
A noble experiment that failed.
♪ The Simpsons 27x09 ♪
Barthood
Original Air Date on December 13, 2015
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Why is the sky blue?
Hmm...
I don't know.
Just is.
Why are clouds white?
No clue.
Why are people yellow?
It's the way
God made them.
Why is grass green?
So you can find
your damn golf ball.
Now I have
a question for you.
Why did you leave your
toy car on the stairs?
Why is blood red?
Why do you ask?
It's coming out your ear.
D'oh!
So you'll be staying with Grampa
while your father
is on the mend.
Don't let him
near me!
Ah!
Ow!
Do it again, boy.
I bet he can't control it.
Ow!
Aah! Ow...
Bart, you shouldn't...
Maybe one more.
Aah! Ow!
Want to play cars?
Oh, boy, if I go down there,
I ain't coming up.
My dad won't play
cars with me, either.
Calm down,
Melvin Q. Mopenheimer.
There's other ways
of playing cars.
Feast your eyes
on the most beautiful
machine ever made:
the 1954 Studebaker
Starliner Commander!
I bought it
brand-new
and forgot about
it till today.
Can I sit in it?
Well, I don't know
how you expect to drive it
if you ain't sitting in it.
Grampa! I can't drive.
Neither can I, legally.
Now let's get going!
♪ ♪
You know you can
season these things
with pepper spray,
don't you?
Aah! Aah!
I need water
in my eyes.
Let's open her up a little.
Homer never showed such spirit.
You got gumption, boy.
I wish this day
would never end.
Aw, sorry, Bart.
Time don't stop.
The years go by
and you don't
even realize it.
♪ ♪
Grampa, I told you
to get him home by 5:00.
His tutor's here
to teach him to read.
When I was a boy,
I ain't never did not need
no tutor either no how!
Yes, sirree, ain't!
"S-See... the...
m-m-mou... m-m-m..."
"See the mouse.
"Mouse hits cat.
Cat goes splat."
Very good, Lisa.
Very, very good!
And with barely
any knowledge
of diphthongs,
sibilants and phonemes.
How come she can read
and I can't?
All right,
calm down, young man.
Not to worry,
you won't need to read.
You see, customers will
just point to a picture
of the burger that
they want you to flip.
Because you're not
gonna have anything going.
Very nice painting, Lisa.
We're putting it
right over the couch.
I made a drawing, too!
It's on the refrigerator!
And the wall.
And the curtains.
Boy, you've ruined our kitchen!
Do you understand?
This is a place
of pork chops.
But... do you like my drawing?
Homer, please,
please.
Just say
something positive.
Well, it's a...
colorful example of...
something that...
ruined our kitchen!
I can't even find the fridge!
You're not beer.
Where is it?
And who are you?
We're playing
hide and seek.
I'm Milhouse.
Milhouse? What kind of
a wiener name is that?
A very bad one, sir.
That boy is so much trouble.
Never should have
had a firstborn.
Should've skipped
right to the second.
There's one thing
I can do better than you.
I've finished painting the wall
and it's better than new.
In some ways,
this was kind of a bless...
Ha! I got gumption!
Bart's disruptive
behavior
is probably caused
by his feeling
that you think
other children
are more deserving
of attention.
Mm, I see.
And how can we help
these other children?
We're here for Bart.
In a boy like Bart...
Yeah?
...the attention he craves
most is from his father.
Pfft. Good luck
with that.
Take him camping!
I do want to
help him, I do.
And your son is just
looking for your love.
Geez.
For a psychologist,
you sure know how to get
into people's heads.
♪ ♪
And I brought
my flashlight
so we can find our
way in the dark,
and my scissors
to cut wood into kindling,
and an air horn
to scare away bears.
Wh... why are we stopping?
This is where
we're camping, son.
I thought we were
going to stay
in a tent in the woods.
Like the kids that got killed
in that movie you took me to.
Son, the woods this time
of year are very outdoorsy.
But we'll do
fun things.
Oh, listen!
Do you hear that?
It's the sound
of an ice machine.
Great.
Come on, let's go hunt...
for the registration desk.
Andreychuk passes
ahead to Hamilton...
it's too far in front...
and the ref waves off the icing.
The TV is north
of the bed.
Better hit the hay, son.
Learning this new remote
really took something out of me.
Never saw a menu button
colored green before.
Whew!
Crazy buttons.
So, how was
your camping trip
with your father?
Okay.
We got lots of Starwood points
at the hotel.
Oh, my thrifty pioneers.
Lisa, how was school?
The teacher gave me this.
"Student of
the month"! Wow.
How long have you been
in that school?
A month.
I've been there two years
and no one ever
gave me anything!
Aw, poor kid.
Are you taking
his dessert?
Yes, I am.
Up to him.
Are you eating that cake?
What? No.
Son, I know it may
not seem like it now,
but you're gonna be glad
to have a sister
when you grow up.
You're always gonna
like her better than me.
That's not true.
I love you both
the same amount: 40%.
Gotta leave room
in the budget.
Then will you put
this on your car?
I'll be proud to.
Hmm...
Ooh, both those bumper stickers
mean so much to me.
Oh...
Happy birthday!
Well, thanks.
But you know I'm not
into Krusty anymore.
You've outgrown Krusty?
First no more
"ay, caramba," now this?
Mom, don't have...
Have a cow, man?
I was gonna say
"don't have a foolish
attachment to the past."
Come on, boy.
Humor your mother.
Oh, fine.
Don't have a cow. Man.
Yeah...
Oh, my God!
I'm Student of the Month
for 48 consecutive months!
Great, honey, great!
But, you know,
it is Bart's birthday.
No, no, no,
this is fine.
Just let me fix this.
There.
Now it's all about you.
Happy?
I'll go get him.
Oh, it's no use.
He's walking kind of fast.
Blam!
Blam!
Blam! Blam!
Hey, you missed one.
Nope, can't do it,
my Grampa lives there.
Stop! Stop right there!
Well, looks like we
finally put an end
to this light-mare
on Elm Street.
Actually, it's
Maple Street, Chief.
Thank you, joke police.
Please don't
arrest me.
It's a victimless
crime!
Oh, I can't see!
Looks like a case of
Molemanslaughter.
Did that sound
right to you, Lou?
I like it.
Thanks for letting me
hide here, Grampa.
Hiding?
This is the best visit
I've had in months!
Aah!
Now, come get
your birthday present.
Whoa!
I've been asking my
parents for this,
but they said
I'd break my neck.
Hey, you're gonna break
your neck sometime.
It's important you do it
when you're young.
Like chicken pox.
Now get out before I say
something else preposterous.
♪ ♪
Mom, it's just the Mayo Clinic
Pre-Medical Summer Camp.
I would've been
totally fine on my own.
No more discussion.
Our cab's here.
Ooh, it's one of
those new Apple cars.
Really think they should've
stuck with computers.
Have a great trip.
Don't you worry.
I'll take good care
of our little guy.
I'm 15!
Oh, our big boy's
getting cranky.
Homer, this summer
may be your last chance
to have a close relationship
with your son.
Don't blow it.
So, boy, look at this.
Just us guys, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Glad we've got
the whole summer,
'cause we got a lot
to talk about.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see.
Um... oh!
When you replace
windshield wipers,
you only need to switch out
the rubber part,
not the whole blade.
Huh, where can you buy
just the rubber part?
I don't know.
Well, I'm glad I told you
that before I died.
So, uh, I'll go to Moe's
while you sort it out, huh?
♪ ♪
Yes!
Hey, thanks for coming.
After washing dishes for a year
they bumped me to prep,
which means I draw up
the schedule, babe.
Wow, no more
Mr. Minimum Wage.
I didn't say that.
So I just got out of juvie
for the streetlight thing.
But I'm not mad.
I've learned that the
greatest crime of all
is a life without faith.
What's wrong?
Is the cross not big enough?!
Wow, you make out just
like Terri said you do.
Wait, you're not Terri?
No, I'm Sherri.
But the further we go,
the more you'll
know the difference.
Oh, weed.
That can get me
into a lot of trouble.
Hey, idiots, the bong
stays in the tree house!
Hey, boy.
Are you crazy?
What if the cops come?
You're here, too?
Yeah, must be weird for you.
And-and think about this, man--
the whole world
is happening right now.
I mean, India, China.
It's crazy.
Can you just leave me here
with my dad?
All right, sure.
I can fly!
No, no, I can't!
I can't!
Dad, why is it you and I
are never on the same page?
Officer down, man.
Boy, when you arrived,
I was terrified.
Because it meant
I wasn't a kid anymore.
I had responsibilities.
Truth is, I'm just like you.
A misunderstood guy who wants
his family to love him.
And maybe we could
start with a hug?
Aw, I'm so glad
we're sharing this.
And I'm glad I have
one kid who's never
gonna go anywhere
or do anything.
Damn it, Homer!
You ruin everything!
Grampa, got to talk to Grampa.
Grampa, I sure miss you, man.
What would you say
if you were here right now?
If you ever get a chance to
pitch woo at Myrna Loy, take it!
She has eyes
like a Persian cat.
Of course in my day,
Persia extended
from Algiers
to Constantinople.
Till the revolt
of the eunuchs in 1916 when...
Ooh, you got gumption, kid.
Find what you love
and follow it to glory.
Yes.
So, we're headed
into the final round
of the Duff Extreme BMX
vert competition.
Let's check the scoreboard
while the half-pipe is being
cleaned by the Blood-Zoni.
Dad, one more
round and I win!
First achievement
I can call my own.
Thank God whatever
this thing is
is considered a sport.
Bart Simpson
to the gate, please.
Oh, good, we're just in time.
Hmm.
It's not the size
of the pennant.
It's what you do with it.
All right, nobody
likes a showoff.
D'oh!
Oh, man, I love to see this.
Simpson's setting up
for his signature
suicide no-hander
540 crank-flip!
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
Finally, I'm me.
Finally out of Lisa's shadow.
No!
Yes! Yes!
Thank God I aced
chest compressions
at Mayo pre-med camp!
And Bart's okay!
The real star of this
BMX tournament is
Lisa Simpson!
Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
You've ruined everything
I've ever done!
Move, quick!
No!
Warned you.
Biker, huh?
I used to bike.
I used to have dreams.
I used to think disco
was coming back.
Now I'm just Stu.
Nothing Stu.
Hey, Bart, you are coming
to my graduation party tonight?
I don't know, man.
It's humiliating.
My little sister's graduating
the same year as me.
Haw-haw!
Nelson, how can you say that
with what's happened to you?
Yeah, well, I bought
a totally bitching car
with the money I got
selling my pituitary gland.
So cool.
I knew I'd break down
when Kearney Jr. graduated.
It's okay, Dad.
We still got K-3.
Right.
Ralph, you joined the army?
Yes, because I needed
a costume for this party.
At college I'm gonna
reinvent myself.
I'll pretend I have
a girlfriend in Canada.
I'll say she lives in Alberta
and her name is Alberta,
so I don't have
to remember two lies.
Bart!
I was getting worried.
I'm your oldest buddy.
I was there when you
got your nose done,
then I was there when you
had your nose undone.
Friends, family, and
a few people we hired
to make our son
look more popular...
I love Milton!
Dad, you're embarrassing me!
As usual.
Yes, it's the only thing
your father does well.
Can't you two put it aside
for one night in honor of me?
No!
No!
Oh.
Ah, what the heck?
Congratulations, Milhouse.
You made it through adolescence
and you're cuter than ever.
Oh, sweet Lisa!
You know I had
a rocky childhood
with all the rocks
they threw at me.
You're the most amazing
thing at this party.
Well, excuse me!
I'm not even the best Simpson
at my best friend's party!
Do you know what it's like to
be second-best at anything?
Yeah, I do!
I'm going to Yale!
Listen here, Bart Simpson!
I am sick and tired
of you blaming me
for every setback
you have ever had!
And you have talents, too,
you idiot.
You're a hell of an artist,
even though you don't
do anything with it.
You think I'm an artist?
And you already have a true
artist's most important asset.
A miserable life.
So if that's all my fault,
you're welcome.
Hey, man.
You're looking good.
Thank God Lisa invented
the artificial pituitary.
Sorry, didn't mean
to use the "L" word.
Listen, man,
a certain someone convinced me
to go around giving back
the lunch money I took.
Here's the first $5,000.
Wow.
Thanks.
What got into you?
Nelson, come on!
We'll miss day six
of the Bolivian Film Festival.
You guys are dating?
Is there any other reason
I'd be going
to a Bolivian Film Festival?
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you, Bart.
I don't really know
how you feel about me.
Well, you told me I was
an artist, and you were right.
I am, and
I get to write on the walls.
Wow, that's beautiful.
I do notice
there's no me.
Ah, those are the breaks.
Why don't I buy you and your
boyfriend a couple beers?
Just let me close up.
That would be nice.
We'll see you at the car.
Aw!
You weren't supposed to see.
Well, I'm glad I did.
Hmm?
You're El Barto?
How is that possible?
Why are clouds brown?
Pollution.
Why is the grass green?
'Cause it's artificial.
Then why are
the sprinklers coming on?
'Cause I was too
lazy to unhook them.
Why aren't we moving?
Because you're drunk
and I'm stoned.
Why does beer
taste so good?
'Cause you've
just had seven.
Did you like the movie Boyhood?
Oh, is that what this was?
How many years
of hair do I have left?
It disappears as soon
as girls like you.
What's the secret of life?
You can avoid
a lot of awkward situations
by pretending
to be on the phone.
Like what?
Hold on,
I got to take this call.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man