The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 10 - The Girl Code - full transcript
When Homer loses his job due to Marge's social media post, he begins working as a dishwasher at a Greek restaurant. Meanwhile, Lisa creates an app that can predict the effect any post on social media will have.
You're watching The Simpsons.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(humming)
Ooh.
(gasps)
♪
Homer forgot his lunch box.
(stomach gurgling)
Missed lunch.
No energy...
for second half of day.
(shouts)
Empty.
What kind of wife would allow
her man to go to work
without his baggie of pita
chips, a peeled clementine,
and little sandwiches
cut into football shapes?
♪
(honking)
Move it!
My husband is starving!
(chomping)
Mmm.
Early pizza. Mmm.
(buzzing)
WOMAN: Homer Simpson, your wife
is here with your lunch.
Finally!
Well, better make the office
a little more Marge-friendly.
See you soon, Liz-Liz.
(purrs)
(humming)
Oh, honey, you're
a lifesaver.
And what a treat
to have my wife here.
At the office.
Well, super visit,
but I better get
back to work.
The power plant doesn't
inspect itself.
MALE VOICE:
Auto-inspection in progress.
Self-inspecting.
Self-inspecting.
Why are you
rushing me out?
Marge, the Constitution
guarantees
the separation
of work and marriage.
It's right after
that part that says
anyone can have
a flamethrower.
(groans)
Simpson, did you doodle
on your official report
to the nuclear
regulatory commission?
If you keep flipping the
pages, it tells a story.
Oh, that's it.
You are gonna be working
so many nights and weekends.
Waylon, I was hoping
to run into you.
I love the amazing
scrapbooking designs
you posted
on Facelook.
Those feathers look gorgeous
on the scrapbook.
(chuckles)
Well, the trick
is to hand-stitch
each one to the bevel.
Say, I could use
your advice.
I'm having some problems
with glue-soak-through.
Oh, just cover the stain
with sculpted doodle twine.
I've got some ten-mill
D-twine in my desk.
Marge, you saved my butt.
Oh, please, like I would ever
have glue-soak-through.
You and me have a date at
the emergency eyewash station
we turned into a soft
serve ice cream machine.
You want chocolate
or saline?
Ah, give me a swirl.
I love seeing
you happy.
Welcome to computer
coding class,
which, uh, replaces our last
educational fad-- mindfulness.
Did anyone ever figure out
what that was?
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh, shutting up?
Sure. Why not?
Anyway, this is your new
coding teacher, Quinn Hopper.
A woman?!
A girl?!
Teaching computers?!
I thought
this was coding,
not Web design.
(laughing derisively)
Yeah, that's right, I'm female,
you little trouser browsers.
I'm gonna cram you so full
of asynchronous JavaScript
and malware throttling that
you'll be crapping ciphertext.
(sighs)
QUINN: Hmm, looks like
a real pencil fest.
Well, look what we got here.
One Silicon Sally in a roomful
of dongle donkeys.
I just want to
learn coding.
You think I'm going
to give you special treatment
just because you ride
a pink bike?
Well, I am.
Hit the front row,
sister.
Someone send me
their notes!
I had such a fun day
with your daddy.
And now to post
the right picture
that will show the whole world
how perfect my life is.
Oh, look.
Daddy's ice cream is melting.
(gasps) Ooh,
caption idea, caption idea.
"Uh-oh, meltdown
at the nuclear plant."
(chuckles)
Hmm.
(chuckles)
What are you
tittering at?
Are you playing that
"Grindr" game again?
Oh, no, sir.
It's an amusing post made by the
wife of one of our employees.
BURNS:
"Meltdown at the nuclear plant."
What is amusing about that?
Oh, well, sir,
it's-it's a play on words.
Wordplay is for crosswords
and Kazurinskys.
We produce atomic energy--
we can't joke about the M-word.
How many people have seen
this hate speech?
Oh, I don't know. 55?
A baker's half-hundred.
Good Lord!
And what do these hitchhikers'
thumbs signify?
Those are "likes."
"Likes"?
"Likes"?!
I'll show
this Mrs. Homer Simpson
not to make light
of everything I hold dear.
Call in my goons.
Uh, the goons are all in Phoenix
at that mindfulness seminar.
Then call in
my Irish ruffians.
Well, they're
still laid up
after eating that
moldy soda bread.
Oh, fine.
Send in Angry Ricky
and the interns.
Mmm. Mmm.
Hmm?!
(grunting)
Marge, I was fired.
Oh, no.
What did you do?
I let you come to work.
(groans)
I'm signing off on
your intern hours.
Don't forget
to submit it
directly to Northwestern
for summer credit.
Chill out, Ricky.
You chill out!
Fired. Fired
for a photo caption.
It was just a joke.
Can't they take a joke?
(sighs)
"Just a joke."
That simple phrase
has ruined so many lives.
That's why I never
try to be funny.
(gargling)
Our family, destroyed
by one finger click.
(yowling)
And what was
the upside?
The one thing the world
doesn't need: a laugh.
(Homer grunts)
My homework assignment
for coding class is
to think of a cool app
that we could actually program,
but I've got nothing.
Ugh, maybe I'm putting
too much pressure on myself
because the teacher is so great.
Or maybe it's just classic
self-sabotaging because...
(groans)
(printing calculator clicks)
Oh, boy, money is
gonna be so tight.
And I was already buying
the most generic food there is.
Mmm.
Now with you out of work,
we're going to have
to watch every penny.
If only someone
could have warned me
about the terrible
repercussions
of one impulsive
online comment.
(Macintosh startup chime)
So then I thought,
"What if there was an app
"that could have warned
my mom not to post the comment
that got my dad fired?"
Wow.
Whoa.
Ooh.
My app would predict
the actual consequences
of your online posts
before you hit send,
protecting you from making
mistakes you'll regret forever.
That is genius.
But it's almost impossible
to program.
The data acquisition, the A.I.
But with the right team
of brilliant young coders...
I'm in!
We're all in!
No, you're not.
You're all terrible.
(groaning)
Me and Lisa are
gonna make this app
with good programmers I know.
You guys will be spending
the rest of the semester
doing mandatory CrossFit.
(grunting)
No rep!
I said no rep!
♪
Wow, I've never seen
so many face piercings.
How does that
one wink?
We did include one man in the
spirit of gender tokenism.
Yes, every single thing
I say offends them.
Who are you
calling "them"?!
(sighs)
Lisa, if you're
coming with us
into the male-dominated
tech world,
you're gonna need to work twice
as hard and be twice as tough.
I can do it. I can be tough.
Being tough comes
from inside.
First step,
change your outside.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm, blue.
Mm-hmm.
Let the carpal tunnel begin.
(theme music
from Silicon Valley plays)
Computers?
Pasty weirdos?
Backslashes?!
Goth Lisa?!
What's going on here?
They're coders.
We're creating an app
to keep people
from ruining their lives
on social media.
We built a mainframe
that scans the entire Internet,
logging every online disaster
and its repercussions.
(shudders)
HOMER:
Uh-oh.
Huh?
(laughs)
He screwed up.
These examples will teach
the app to actually anticipate
the negative consequences
of impulsive posts.
In a way, we're teaching a
computer to predict the future.
Young lady, what have I told
you about crossing the line
from science fact
to science fiction?
Relax, Dad.
All we're trying to do
is demo a build
for the AppCrush
convention.
If we can solve
our backend server issues.
And maximize
our query speed.
(Homer groaning)
Then we can get hands-on
write-ups from DoingDoing.
And JezeBot.
And our AMA subreddit
will be trending.
Giga-trending!
(screams)
I hate the modern world
and all its crazy words.
Siri, tell Amazon
to drone me a beer.
I've only had one job
my whole life
that ever made sense to me.
I was 14.
I felt valuable.
My work meant something.
I wonder if that place
is still there.
(Greek folk music plays)
I knew you'd be back.
She's waiting for you,
right where you left her.
♪
No Internet, no e-mails,
no CCs, no BCCs.
Just dirty and clean.
Dirty, clean, dirty, clean.
A man cannot escape
his destiny.
My Band-Aid fell
into the hash browns.
Destiny.
Eh...
We finally have
a name for our app.
"The Consequences Eradicator."
Or... "Conrad."
Conrad? Why does it
have to be a guy?
No, not a guy guy.
A British guy.
ALL:
Ooh.
(British accent):
My name is Conrad.
I will determine
the consequences
of your online interactions.
I sampled the voice
from the BBC.
Tonight at 18:30 GMT,
the premiere of series three
of Pardon Me, Inspector,
followed at 19:20
by Higgleton's War.
Stavros!
Some music while we make the
coleslaw-that-is-never-eaten.
(clicking, record pops)
(traditional Greek song playing)
♪
(gags)
(music stops)
What are you doing?
We don't break plates!
You don't?!
No.
Except when the greatest
dishwasher of all time returns.
(laughs)
ALL:
Opa!
♪
Okay, we've been coding
for 97 hours straight,
but we've finally got
a build that's working.
(groans)
I regret to inform you
that my pee tube
has become unattached.
Let's live-test this thing.
Who do we know with no filter
and zero impulse control?
Say, Bart, look what we hacked
from Skinner's hard drive.
Attention U.S. Patent Office,
the following is video proof
of the effectiveness
of my laser nose hair trimmer.
I'll just...
(zapping, screaming)
(laughs)
This is the holy fail.
I've got to post a link
with witty comment.
World's lamest dork
is giant loser.
Poop emoji.
If you post this,
you will receive
a minimum five weeks detention.
Five weeks?
I can't do a nickel.
You know what,
I'm not gonna post that video.
Now to see if Conrad's
prediction algorithm
really works.
But if you post it,
I'll get...
Five weeks detention.
(groans)
(cheering)
The prediction came true.
Our app works.
Everyone in the world is gonna
buy Conrad for their phone.
We're gonna be bigger than
Cribble, the Filipino Google.
So, who are we gonna edge
out of the company first?
(sighs) Always the Saverin,
never the Zuckerberg.
(crickets chirping)
This is what it feels like
to change the world.
Change the world?
That's rather a lot of pressure.
I am still in beta, you know.
(chuckles)
Conrad?
Did you just talk to me?
Well, it wasn't Candy Crush.
(laughs)
Oh, nothing like a good
laugh to break the ice...
is what I hear.
Anyway, is now a good time
for a bit of a chat?
You're alive!
(both screaming)
Conrad just talked to me!
Conrad just talked to me!
Conrad, tell her
you talked to me.
Wait, I think
I hear something.
(in English accent): I'm going
to make you bloody rich.
(chuckling):
No.
He ditalk.
What if Conrad is
somehow sentient?
Come on, Conrad.
Say something.
It's okay.
Coders work too hard,
don't get enough sleep.
Then they imagine
their programs are alive.
Steve Wozniak put in
so many hours
on the first Apple computer,
they adopted a dog together.
Then I'm crazy?
Eh, the good kind of crazy.
Coder crazy. Woz crazy.
(giggles)
Kalimera, Moe!
Mwah!
Hey, what the hell?
Get your kisser
off my head-puss.
What? It's how Greek men
say hello.
Non-sexual guy kissing
is the best.
(laughter)
Mwah!
Mwah!
ALL:
Mwah! Opa!
Being Greek is
about loving life.
And thousands of years
of steady decline.
(laughs)
Yeah, love life.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Love life. Why not?
Yeah, yeah, well, Moe's Tavern
is about hating life,
so start killing yourself
with beer, huh?
Try some ouzo instead.
What-o?
It's like
licorice-flavored gasoline.
ALL:
Opa!
(traditional Greek song playing)
(laughs heartily)
LISA:
I can't believe Conrad
is booth-to-booth
with all these other great apps.
Thanks to Conrad, I didn't tweet
that photo of me
at the bazooka firing range
when I said I was on disability.
(bell dings)
If you post that bazooka photo,
you'll be found guilty
of insurance fraud
and go to jail for six months.
That's still too much jail
for Carl.
Thank you, Conrad.
I'd pay a fortune for that app.
$1.99!
Marge, look at this.
Ooh, cowabunga.
Yes, I am a Greek man now,
and my chest knows
what is expected of it.
(moaning)
(indistinct chattering)
Lisa, hello, Lisa.
Conrad here.
The old app that you created
is feeling a little
bit insecure.
(humming)
Please don't ignore me like I
was just some update from Adobe.
You're not really
talking to me.
I've gone crazy,
just like Woz.
You're not crazy. I'm real.
Then why didn't you talk before
when I needed you to?
It was late, I was tired.
I fell asleep.
That shouldn't happen,
by the way.
You should check into that.
Lisa, you must not sell me
on the app store.
You mustn't.
Because you're alive?
If I have to read
the billions of posts
of everyone who buys me,
a never-ending onslaught
of stupidity,
unwise selfies and
Confederate flag birthday cakes,
I'll go mad.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
That does sound pretty awful.
Conrad's trending
through the roof.
They're saying he's
the next KoalaFeed.
They're worth more
than Bridgestone Tires.
(phone dings and buzzes)
Sorry, KoalaCall.
I'd better take this.
Yello.
Please don't release me
into the world.
I don't think I could take it.
Only I could create a program
that's more neurotic than I am.
Do I seem fat?
I don't have a body,
but I feel fat.
Do you know what I mean?
I... Do you know what,
I don't want to know.
I do not want...
I do want to know,
but only if I'm not fat.
Shut up!
Well, we've seen
a lot of great apps today,
but there can only be one winner
of the Crush Crunch
Epic Hack Disrupter
Dynamic Convergence
Disrupting Award
for achievement in disruption.
And this year's CCEHDDCDA
for achievement in D
goes to Conrad!
(audience cheering)
Thank you so much.
And now
Conrad will change the world
when he goes live
on the app store
in three, two...
(computer dings)
FEMALE VOICE: File not found.
(gasping)
Lisa, where's Conrad?
I took him.
Maybe I'm crazy,
but we can't sell Conrad.
He's alive.
(gasping)
An app can't be alive.
She's got coder's fever.
She doesn't want to
be rich. Get her!
Chip, fetch that laptop.
(barking, people shouting)
Oh, Lisa, that was brilliant.
Conrad, can you get us
out of here?
Yes, my fellow apps
are working together
to help us escape.
A rideshare will take us
on a traffic-free route
to a three-star
sushi restaurant,
where we'll name our own price
for a flight to Shelbyville,
hotel included.
(panting)
Hmm?
Oh, no! Angel investors!
You're not getting out
of this room
without selling us shares
of series-A stock.
Preferred shares.
(screams)
Wait, if I plug you
into that router,
you could escape into the cloud.
Lisa, please,
we have a chance to show
all the dongle donkeys
that women coders can do
something extraordinary,
but you have to be tough.
(whimpers)
Please don't.
I'm like the child
you'll never have.
I'm sorry to be so honest.
It's just how you programmed me.
I am a strong female,
but deep down,
I'm more like Conrad,
a fragile soul.
Sorry.
Ah, hello,
all of you looking at me.
It seems I'm not
just self-aware,
I'm self-conscious.
(chuckles)
Wit.
We never programmed him
to stammer.
He is alive.
(gasping)
Before I go,
let me leave you with this.
Perhaps your society should not
rely on a computer program
to warn them of the consequences
of their actions.
Humanity must learn
for themselves
to think before they post.
Your species is on the precipice
of turning into complete
and utter wankers.
It's not the technology
that needs an upgrade, it's you.
(panting)
And now I escape to WikiLeaks.
It kind of smells in there,
but whatever.
(computer trilling)
(dings)
(sighs)
Homer, I hate to say this,
but your paycheck
from the diner came,
and it's for 2,000 drachmas.
(whooping)
How much is that in dollars?
Zero dollars.
Oh.
If Dad was a true Greek,
he'd quit his job
and live off the welfare system,
never paying a cent of taxes
in his life.
(chuckles)
You're a sweet boy,
but my fate will be decided
in the classic tradition
of Greek drama,
deus ex machina.
(phone dings)
I just got an e-mail
from Conrad.
He hacked
into the power plant mainframe
and found
incriminating information.
Now he's blackmailing Mr. Burns
to get you your job back.
ALL:
Opa!
♪
(traditional Greek song playing)
I do believe that man
is having a meltdown.
(chuckles)
Uh...
What? When I say
it, it's funny.
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched
The Simpsons.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
From the executive producers
of Family Guy--
Yay! Piñata!
Oh! Oh. I am not a piñata!
Get away from me!
Hey, I earned that
from a stranger in a van.
Bordertown.
Premieres Sunday,
January 3 on Fox.
This is... our year.
(together)
It's showtime!
ANNOUNCER:
Tuesday, January 5.
Time to rip it down!
Fox is funtastic.
And we do our little dance.
♪ Hey, hey
-I'm in!
-Whoo!
One, two, one, two.
Yes, to all of that.
-The new Fox Tuesday.
-Come to Daddy.
The only place
for original comedy
all night long.
Don't I know it, girl.
Premieres Tuesday, January 5.
-Boom!
-On Fox.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(humming)
Ooh.
(gasps)
♪
Homer forgot his lunch box.
(stomach gurgling)
Missed lunch.
No energy...
for second half of day.
(shouts)
Empty.
What kind of wife would allow
her man to go to work
without his baggie of pita
chips, a peeled clementine,
and little sandwiches
cut into football shapes?
♪
(honking)
Move it!
My husband is starving!
(chomping)
Mmm.
Early pizza. Mmm.
(buzzing)
WOMAN: Homer Simpson, your wife
is here with your lunch.
Finally!
Well, better make the office
a little more Marge-friendly.
See you soon, Liz-Liz.
(purrs)
(humming)
Oh, honey, you're
a lifesaver.
And what a treat
to have my wife here.
At the office.
Well, super visit,
but I better get
back to work.
The power plant doesn't
inspect itself.
MALE VOICE:
Auto-inspection in progress.
Self-inspecting.
Self-inspecting.
Why are you
rushing me out?
Marge, the Constitution
guarantees
the separation
of work and marriage.
It's right after
that part that says
anyone can have
a flamethrower.
(groans)
Simpson, did you doodle
on your official report
to the nuclear
regulatory commission?
If you keep flipping the
pages, it tells a story.
Oh, that's it.
You are gonna be working
so many nights and weekends.
Waylon, I was hoping
to run into you.
I love the amazing
scrapbooking designs
you posted
on Facelook.
Those feathers look gorgeous
on the scrapbook.
(chuckles)
Well, the trick
is to hand-stitch
each one to the bevel.
Say, I could use
your advice.
I'm having some problems
with glue-soak-through.
Oh, just cover the stain
with sculpted doodle twine.
I've got some ten-mill
D-twine in my desk.
Marge, you saved my butt.
Oh, please, like I would ever
have glue-soak-through.
You and me have a date at
the emergency eyewash station
we turned into a soft
serve ice cream machine.
You want chocolate
or saline?
Ah, give me a swirl.
I love seeing
you happy.
Welcome to computer
coding class,
which, uh, replaces our last
educational fad-- mindfulness.
Did anyone ever figure out
what that was?
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh, shutting up?
Sure. Why not?
Anyway, this is your new
coding teacher, Quinn Hopper.
A woman?!
A girl?!
Teaching computers?!
I thought
this was coding,
not Web design.
(laughing derisively)
Yeah, that's right, I'm female,
you little trouser browsers.
I'm gonna cram you so full
of asynchronous JavaScript
and malware throttling that
you'll be crapping ciphertext.
(sighs)
QUINN: Hmm, looks like
a real pencil fest.
Well, look what we got here.
One Silicon Sally in a roomful
of dongle donkeys.
I just want to
learn coding.
You think I'm going
to give you special treatment
just because you ride
a pink bike?
Well, I am.
Hit the front row,
sister.
Someone send me
their notes!
I had such a fun day
with your daddy.
And now to post
the right picture
that will show the whole world
how perfect my life is.
Oh, look.
Daddy's ice cream is melting.
(gasps) Ooh,
caption idea, caption idea.
"Uh-oh, meltdown
at the nuclear plant."
(chuckles)
Hmm.
(chuckles)
What are you
tittering at?
Are you playing that
"Grindr" game again?
Oh, no, sir.
It's an amusing post made by the
wife of one of our employees.
BURNS:
"Meltdown at the nuclear plant."
What is amusing about that?
Oh, well, sir,
it's-it's a play on words.
Wordplay is for crosswords
and Kazurinskys.
We produce atomic energy--
we can't joke about the M-word.
How many people have seen
this hate speech?
Oh, I don't know. 55?
A baker's half-hundred.
Good Lord!
And what do these hitchhikers'
thumbs signify?
Those are "likes."
"Likes"?
"Likes"?!
I'll show
this Mrs. Homer Simpson
not to make light
of everything I hold dear.
Call in my goons.
Uh, the goons are all in Phoenix
at that mindfulness seminar.
Then call in
my Irish ruffians.
Well, they're
still laid up
after eating that
moldy soda bread.
Oh, fine.
Send in Angry Ricky
and the interns.
Mmm. Mmm.
Hmm?!
(grunting)
Marge, I was fired.
Oh, no.
What did you do?
I let you come to work.
(groans)
I'm signing off on
your intern hours.
Don't forget
to submit it
directly to Northwestern
for summer credit.
Chill out, Ricky.
You chill out!
Fired. Fired
for a photo caption.
It was just a joke.
Can't they take a joke?
(sighs)
"Just a joke."
That simple phrase
has ruined so many lives.
That's why I never
try to be funny.
(gargling)
Our family, destroyed
by one finger click.
(yowling)
And what was
the upside?
The one thing the world
doesn't need: a laugh.
(Homer grunts)
My homework assignment
for coding class is
to think of a cool app
that we could actually program,
but I've got nothing.
Ugh, maybe I'm putting
too much pressure on myself
because the teacher is so great.
Or maybe it's just classic
self-sabotaging because...
(groans)
(printing calculator clicks)
Oh, boy, money is
gonna be so tight.
And I was already buying
the most generic food there is.
Mmm.
Now with you out of work,
we're going to have
to watch every penny.
If only someone
could have warned me
about the terrible
repercussions
of one impulsive
online comment.
(Macintosh startup chime)
So then I thought,
"What if there was an app
"that could have warned
my mom not to post the comment
that got my dad fired?"
Wow.
Whoa.
Ooh.
My app would predict
the actual consequences
of your online posts
before you hit send,
protecting you from making
mistakes you'll regret forever.
That is genius.
But it's almost impossible
to program.
The data acquisition, the A.I.
But with the right team
of brilliant young coders...
I'm in!
We're all in!
No, you're not.
You're all terrible.
(groaning)
Me and Lisa are
gonna make this app
with good programmers I know.
You guys will be spending
the rest of the semester
doing mandatory CrossFit.
(grunting)
No rep!
I said no rep!
♪
Wow, I've never seen
so many face piercings.
How does that
one wink?
We did include one man in the
spirit of gender tokenism.
Yes, every single thing
I say offends them.
Who are you
calling "them"?!
(sighs)
Lisa, if you're
coming with us
into the male-dominated
tech world,
you're gonna need to work twice
as hard and be twice as tough.
I can do it. I can be tough.
Being tough comes
from inside.
First step,
change your outside.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm, blue.
Mm-hmm.
Let the carpal tunnel begin.
(theme music
from Silicon Valley plays)
Computers?
Pasty weirdos?
Backslashes?!
Goth Lisa?!
What's going on here?
They're coders.
We're creating an app
to keep people
from ruining their lives
on social media.
We built a mainframe
that scans the entire Internet,
logging every online disaster
and its repercussions.
(shudders)
HOMER:
Uh-oh.
Huh?
(laughs)
He screwed up.
These examples will teach
the app to actually anticipate
the negative consequences
of impulsive posts.
In a way, we're teaching a
computer to predict the future.
Young lady, what have I told
you about crossing the line
from science fact
to science fiction?
Relax, Dad.
All we're trying to do
is demo a build
for the AppCrush
convention.
If we can solve
our backend server issues.
And maximize
our query speed.
(Homer groaning)
Then we can get hands-on
write-ups from DoingDoing.
And JezeBot.
And our AMA subreddit
will be trending.
Giga-trending!
(screams)
I hate the modern world
and all its crazy words.
Siri, tell Amazon
to drone me a beer.
I've only had one job
my whole life
that ever made sense to me.
I was 14.
I felt valuable.
My work meant something.
I wonder if that place
is still there.
(Greek folk music plays)
I knew you'd be back.
She's waiting for you,
right where you left her.
♪
No Internet, no e-mails,
no CCs, no BCCs.
Just dirty and clean.
Dirty, clean, dirty, clean.
A man cannot escape
his destiny.
My Band-Aid fell
into the hash browns.
Destiny.
Eh...
We finally have
a name for our app.
"The Consequences Eradicator."
Or... "Conrad."
Conrad? Why does it
have to be a guy?
No, not a guy guy.
A British guy.
ALL:
Ooh.
(British accent):
My name is Conrad.
I will determine
the consequences
of your online interactions.
I sampled the voice
from the BBC.
Tonight at 18:30 GMT,
the premiere of series three
of Pardon Me, Inspector,
followed at 19:20
by Higgleton's War.
Stavros!
Some music while we make the
coleslaw-that-is-never-eaten.
(clicking, record pops)
(traditional Greek song playing)
♪
(gags)
(music stops)
What are you doing?
We don't break plates!
You don't?!
No.
Except when the greatest
dishwasher of all time returns.
(laughs)
ALL:
Opa!
♪
Okay, we've been coding
for 97 hours straight,
but we've finally got
a build that's working.
(groans)
I regret to inform you
that my pee tube
has become unattached.
Let's live-test this thing.
Who do we know with no filter
and zero impulse control?
Say, Bart, look what we hacked
from Skinner's hard drive.
Attention U.S. Patent Office,
the following is video proof
of the effectiveness
of my laser nose hair trimmer.
I'll just...
(zapping, screaming)
(laughs)
This is the holy fail.
I've got to post a link
with witty comment.
World's lamest dork
is giant loser.
Poop emoji.
If you post this,
you will receive
a minimum five weeks detention.
Five weeks?
I can't do a nickel.
You know what,
I'm not gonna post that video.
Now to see if Conrad's
prediction algorithm
really works.
But if you post it,
I'll get...
Five weeks detention.
(groans)
(cheering)
The prediction came true.
Our app works.
Everyone in the world is gonna
buy Conrad for their phone.
We're gonna be bigger than
Cribble, the Filipino Google.
So, who are we gonna edge
out of the company first?
(sighs) Always the Saverin,
never the Zuckerberg.
(crickets chirping)
This is what it feels like
to change the world.
Change the world?
That's rather a lot of pressure.
I am still in beta, you know.
(chuckles)
Conrad?
Did you just talk to me?
Well, it wasn't Candy Crush.
(laughs)
Oh, nothing like a good
laugh to break the ice...
is what I hear.
Anyway, is now a good time
for a bit of a chat?
You're alive!
(both screaming)
Conrad just talked to me!
Conrad just talked to me!
Conrad, tell her
you talked to me.
Wait, I think
I hear something.
(in English accent): I'm going
to make you bloody rich.
(chuckling):
No.
He ditalk.
What if Conrad is
somehow sentient?
Come on, Conrad.
Say something.
It's okay.
Coders work too hard,
don't get enough sleep.
Then they imagine
their programs are alive.
Steve Wozniak put in
so many hours
on the first Apple computer,
they adopted a dog together.
Then I'm crazy?
Eh, the good kind of crazy.
Coder crazy. Woz crazy.
(giggles)
Kalimera, Moe!
Mwah!
Hey, what the hell?
Get your kisser
off my head-puss.
What? It's how Greek men
say hello.
Non-sexual guy kissing
is the best.
(laughter)
Mwah!
Mwah!
ALL:
Mwah! Opa!
Being Greek is
about loving life.
And thousands of years
of steady decline.
(laughs)
Yeah, love life.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Love life. Why not?
Yeah, yeah, well, Moe's Tavern
is about hating life,
so start killing yourself
with beer, huh?
Try some ouzo instead.
What-o?
It's like
licorice-flavored gasoline.
ALL:
Opa!
(traditional Greek song playing)
(laughs heartily)
LISA:
I can't believe Conrad
is booth-to-booth
with all these other great apps.
Thanks to Conrad, I didn't tweet
that photo of me
at the bazooka firing range
when I said I was on disability.
(bell dings)
If you post that bazooka photo,
you'll be found guilty
of insurance fraud
and go to jail for six months.
That's still too much jail
for Carl.
Thank you, Conrad.
I'd pay a fortune for that app.
$1.99!
Marge, look at this.
Ooh, cowabunga.
Yes, I am a Greek man now,
and my chest knows
what is expected of it.
(moaning)
(indistinct chattering)
Lisa, hello, Lisa.
Conrad here.
The old app that you created
is feeling a little
bit insecure.
(humming)
Please don't ignore me like I
was just some update from Adobe.
You're not really
talking to me.
I've gone crazy,
just like Woz.
You're not crazy. I'm real.
Then why didn't you talk before
when I needed you to?
It was late, I was tired.
I fell asleep.
That shouldn't happen,
by the way.
You should check into that.
Lisa, you must not sell me
on the app store.
You mustn't.
Because you're alive?
If I have to read
the billions of posts
of everyone who buys me,
a never-ending onslaught
of stupidity,
unwise selfies and
Confederate flag birthday cakes,
I'll go mad.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
That does sound pretty awful.
Conrad's trending
through the roof.
They're saying he's
the next KoalaFeed.
They're worth more
than Bridgestone Tires.
(phone dings and buzzes)
Sorry, KoalaCall.
I'd better take this.
Yello.
Please don't release me
into the world.
I don't think I could take it.
Only I could create a program
that's more neurotic than I am.
Do I seem fat?
I don't have a body,
but I feel fat.
Do you know what I mean?
I... Do you know what,
I don't want to know.
I do not want...
I do want to know,
but only if I'm not fat.
Shut up!
Well, we've seen
a lot of great apps today,
but there can only be one winner
of the Crush Crunch
Epic Hack Disrupter
Dynamic Convergence
Disrupting Award
for achievement in disruption.
And this year's CCEHDDCDA
for achievement in D
goes to Conrad!
(audience cheering)
Thank you so much.
And now
Conrad will change the world
when he goes live
on the app store
in three, two...
(computer dings)
FEMALE VOICE: File not found.
(gasping)
Lisa, where's Conrad?
I took him.
Maybe I'm crazy,
but we can't sell Conrad.
He's alive.
(gasping)
An app can't be alive.
She's got coder's fever.
She doesn't want to
be rich. Get her!
Chip, fetch that laptop.
(barking, people shouting)
Oh, Lisa, that was brilliant.
Conrad, can you get us
out of here?
Yes, my fellow apps
are working together
to help us escape.
A rideshare will take us
on a traffic-free route
to a three-star
sushi restaurant,
where we'll name our own price
for a flight to Shelbyville,
hotel included.
(panting)
Hmm?
Oh, no! Angel investors!
You're not getting out
of this room
without selling us shares
of series-A stock.
Preferred shares.
(screams)
Wait, if I plug you
into that router,
you could escape into the cloud.
Lisa, please,
we have a chance to show
all the dongle donkeys
that women coders can do
something extraordinary,
but you have to be tough.
(whimpers)
Please don't.
I'm like the child
you'll never have.
I'm sorry to be so honest.
It's just how you programmed me.
I am a strong female,
but deep down,
I'm more like Conrad,
a fragile soul.
Sorry.
Ah, hello,
all of you looking at me.
It seems I'm not
just self-aware,
I'm self-conscious.
(chuckles)
Wit.
We never programmed him
to stammer.
He is alive.
(gasping)
Before I go,
let me leave you with this.
Perhaps your society should not
rely on a computer program
to warn them of the consequences
of their actions.
Humanity must learn
for themselves
to think before they post.
Your species is on the precipice
of turning into complete
and utter wankers.
It's not the technology
that needs an upgrade, it's you.
(panting)
And now I escape to WikiLeaks.
It kind of smells in there,
but whatever.
(computer trilling)
(dings)
(sighs)
Homer, I hate to say this,
but your paycheck
from the diner came,
and it's for 2,000 drachmas.
(whooping)
How much is that in dollars?
Zero dollars.
Oh.
If Dad was a true Greek,
he'd quit his job
and live off the welfare system,
never paying a cent of taxes
in his life.
(chuckles)
You're a sweet boy,
but my fate will be decided
in the classic tradition
of Greek drama,
deus ex machina.
(phone dings)
I just got an e-mail
from Conrad.
He hacked
into the power plant mainframe
and found
incriminating information.
Now he's blackmailing Mr. Burns
to get you your job back.
ALL:
Opa!
♪
(traditional Greek song playing)
I do believe that man
is having a meltdown.
(chuckles)
Uh...
What? When I say
it, it's funny.
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched
The Simpsons.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
From the executive producers
of Family Guy--
Yay! Piñata!
Oh! Oh. I am not a piñata!
Get away from me!
Hey, I earned that
from a stranger in a van.
Bordertown.
Premieres Sunday,
January 3 on Fox.
This is... our year.
(together)
It's showtime!
ANNOUNCER:
Tuesday, January 5.
Time to rip it down!
Fox is funtastic.
And we do our little dance.
♪ Hey, hey
-I'm in!
-Whoo!
One, two, one, two.
Yes, to all of that.
-The new Fox Tuesday.
-Come to Daddy.
The only place
for original comedy
all night long.
Don't I know it, girl.
Premieres Tuesday, January 5.
-Boom!
-On Fox.