The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 11 - Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles - full transcript

Bart and Principal Skinner battle over the affection of Bart's new teacher, and a new milk-based product that Homer buys from the Kwik-E-Mart causes big changes in Bart and Lisa.

(groans)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(alarm blaring)

(Paul Engemann's "Push It
to the Limit" playing)

♪ Push it to the limit

♪ Walk along the razor's edge

♪ But don't look down,
just keep your head ♪

♪ Or you'll be finished





♪ Open up the limit

♪ Past the point of no return

♪ You've reached the top
but still you gotta learn ♪

♪ How to keep it

♪ Welcome to the limit

♪ The limit ♪

♪ Take it maybe one step more

♪ The power game's
still playing ♪

♪ So you better push it
to the limit... ♪
♪ The limit ♪

♪ The limit, the limit,
the limit. ♪

Damn reruns.

(music stops)

(squeaking)

(theme music playing)



(indistinct shouting)

"Even then, a wish,
I mind its pow'r,

"A wish that to my latest hour

"Shall strongly heave my breast,

That I for poor
auld Scotland's sake..."

(shouts)

All right, you little monsters!

You've awakened
Scotland's shame!

(screaming)

(grunting)

Willie, you know you can't play
that torture trumpet to kids.

I'll just use it to vape, then.

(laughs)

Class, I would like you
to meet your new teacher,

retired Air Force Sergeant
Ms. Berrera.

BART:
Ay, caramba!

Air Force?
Sergeant?

A woman?

(Spanish accent):
Good morning, crew.

I am proud to be here
educating my country.

(students gasping)

For you, teacher.

Because if there's one thing
I learned in combat,

it's that the most powerful
weapon is knowledge.

What's
the second most powerful weapon?

Shoulder-mounted
anti-tank missile. Duh.

Did you ever American Sniper
someone?

Uh, that's really
not appropriate for me to say.

How many hospitals
did you help build?

Negative three.

BART: Oh, my God,
I've got a cool teacher.

What am I doing?
I'm sitting up straight,

and my hands are folded
like a nerd.

I've got to fix that.

Yes?

(gasps)

Now one's up in the air.

Okay, let's show
this innocent young veteran

what happens when you call
on Bart Simpson.

Ma'am, my name is Bart,

and I just want to say how
delighted I am that you're here.

What the hell?

Thank you, Bart.

(gasps)

A neck tat?

Milhouse, have you ever
thought a teacher was cute?

Oh, yeah. I thought
Krabappel was smokin'.

I kept every issue of
the Fourth Gradishe was in.

Great lady.

(to tune of "Easy Lover"):
♪ Pretty sober

♪ I've only got one beer
inside me ♪

♪ Pull me over

♪ My blood alcohol is .03

Oh, I like it when the drivers
sing their blood alcohol level.

♪ Not so sober

♪ So drunk
I'll eat gas station sushi. ♪

Homer, don't forget
to pick up milk.

Oh.
And not just any milk--

healthy milk,
without any hormones.

I won't forget.

Aw, they sell ads in
thought bubbles now?

(whoops)

I'm running a basic errand.

Homer Simpson buying
a healthy product?

Now I have seen all of the
things that there are to see.

(beep)

That will be $16.

And can I interest you in
any, uh, milk insurance?

$16?! Oof,

another case of the rich cows
stickin' it to the little guy.

Okay, don't worry. We're going
to get you into a milk today.

Hmm. I like it's
in a plastic bottle

that'll be around for
millions of years.

But is it good
for my kids?

I know you have concerns.

But this video will gloss over
all of your questions.

It'd better.

Hmm.

How's that milk, Jimmy?
Boring.

Now, we could engineer a new
Jimmy who is less of a brat,

but we'll just use science
to jazz things up.

(jazz playing)

We used to feed
boring old grass to cows.

That might have been fine
for Farmer Brown.

But we brought in a next-gen
blend of phenyl ketamine,

ketyl phenamine,
and a healthy sprinkling

of transuranic elements.
But don't worry,

we still get the milk
from good old-fashioned cows.

That's the best
milk I've ever had.

(chuckles)
You said "milk."

We can't, legally.

I'm not the kind of guy
advertising works on,

but I'll take 20,
no questions asked.

(Marge humming)

Hmm?

(humming)

Bart, you're up already?

Don't want to be late
for school.

Hair combed,
face washed?

I thought I'd shake things up.

(humming)
Morning, Marge.

Morning, Bart.
What the? Ooh, la, la.

Is it a court day today?
Hmm, let's see.

(muttering)
Nope, today we're off.

The courthouse is closed because
the judge is becoming a citizen.

What gives, boy?

Nothing's going on.

Some days a boy
just wants to look

like he's going to church, okay?

I'm the last one
to breakfast?

(gasps)
You guys are planning
my birthday, right?

'Cause last year's
was kind of lonely.

Boy, that's when I realized
just how big

a bowling alley really is.

Can we please get a move on? I
do not want to miss any school.

Ooh, could this punctual
Bart possibly be connected

to your cute
new teacher?

Oh, do I have a cute new
sexy teacher? I hadn't noticed.

♪ Bart likes
his teacher ♪

♪ Bart likes his
teacher. ♪

Hey, nothing can turn a boy's
life around like a cute teacher.

Like what Michelle
Pfeiffer did for Coolio.

In fact, to be supportive,
I'll drive Bart to school.

Are you just trying to see
how cute the teacher is?

Or how handsome
he is, Marge.

(quietly):
Not a he, right, boy?

No.
(whoops softly)

Hmm?

Even my dad came back
for this!

That's right, son.
But, uh, right after this,

I have to go get
some cigarettes.

Last time,
you never came back. (sobs)

Oh, don't cry, Norman.

That's not my name!

Oh, right. That's my
other abandoned son.

I have a brother!

And just what
are you doing?

Putting the first new coat
of paint on this school

in 30 years.

(chuckles)
It's always good

to have a joker
in the platoon.

Bart, according to your folder,

you need some extra help.

Can you meet me after class?

No problemo. I can move
my 3:30 freeze tag.

Ugh,
just cancel.

Bart, I'm glad
that you're trying,

but I am worried that
you're starting from a place

far behind most students.

It's because I am so troubled,
ma'am.

Vulnerable. I need a firm
but pretty hand.

Oh. Would you like Martin Prince
to tutor you?

No! Last time
he was at my house,

he talked about bird-watching
all day.

Even my mom got bored,
and she loves boredom.

Well, I guess I could see you
Tuesdays after school.

(sighs)

♪ Tuesday

♪ Afternoon

♪ I'm just beginning

♪ To see
(gunfire)

♪ Now I'm on my way

(boom)

♪ It doesn't matter to me

♪ Chasing the clouds away.

SKINNER:
Uh, Ms. Berrera?
(clears throat)

I was, uh, wondering
if you needed any help,

uh, pulling
your maps.

You have to
give 'em a snap.

Otherwise, they just
get longer and longer.

BART:
Oh, my God, he loves her, too.

SKINNER:
Oh, my God, he loves her, too.

HERRERA (American accent):
Oh, my God, they love me, too!

That's right.
In my head, I sound like this.

LISA:
No! No, no, no, no!

BART:
What happened? Did jazz die?

Look at me!

Acne? But she's
only eight.

Somehow I'm becoming
a squeaky-voiced teen!

(voice cracking):
Do you want fries with that?

What am I saying?!

BART: I, too, was visited
by the Ghost of Puberty Present.

I've got a starter 'stache.
Next, I'm a loser,

then I'm a creep,
then I'm a perv.

I've got to buy a van.

(crying)
This isn't fair.

I'm not ready for
my awkward years.

This is my happy childhood,
for crying out loud!

Aw. Beep, bop, boop.

Dialing for pizza.

(grunts)
Ow!

Somewhere, another mustache is
in tremendous pain.

It must be precocious puberty.

It's a thing. I just read
about it in Thing Magazine.

Homer, I'll fix Lisa up,
and you teach Bart to shave.

You got it.
But there will be blood.

And there,

there, and there.

The cream looks delicious,
but don't eat too much.

And there. See how
it's done, boy?

Dad, aren't you supposed

to take the little plastic
thing off the blade?

Really? I always
wondered about that.

Hmm.

(humming)

(gasps)
Well, hello, Billy Zane.

(purring)

Sweetie, every kid
goes through this.

That's why
proms are dark.

Just stick some carrots in there
three times a day.

So we won't see your sweet
little face for ten more years?

(crying)

Mom, the inside of this hoodie
is covered in tears.

Let me try
some makeup.

(whimpering)

Cruelty-free?
Oh, yes.

I'll be very gentle.

Marge? Marge,
you got to see this!

Oh, what is it?

D'oh!

I actually have two
different PTSDs.

The kind we combat
veterans know.

And also parent-
teacher-student dilemmas.

No!

(squeaking, grunts)

(gasps)
Bart!

Do not worry.

I am certified
as a paramedic.

Oh! Teacher,
could you kiss my owie?

Boy, owies can only
be kissed by Willie.

(panting)

Where's the owie?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.

Whoa, Lisa,
you look great!

Beautiful and mature.

Like a sideline
reporter.

Oh. R-Really?

Didn't know you
were so cool.

Well, um, uh,
well, duh.

LISA:
Oh, my God, I'm popular!

Hope this doesn't go
to my head.

It went right to my head! Aah!

So when you're done with
this page, you will learn

how tectonic plates
rub against each other

till something
gives deep down.

(laughs)
You do not have
to tutor this boy

under the new One
Child Left Behind law.

But he needs help, and he's not
going to be a child much longer.

He's got a mustache
coming in.

Yeah, so beat it,
bald lip.

Oh, my God, I just got invited
to my first third-grade party!

Are the parents
gonna be home?

Yes.
(scoffs)
Lame.

Guys, I need to
sharpen my mustaches.

Which is better--

A or B?

A... or B?

A or B?

A... or B?

B.
A.
N.

Ugh! I'm tired of my son

having a mustache
like a pool boy.

Hey, those pool boys pull
in some sweet jingle.

Plus, they get to
work in flip-flops.

Homie, it's time
we figured this out.

Maybe milk will
help us think.

How would milk do that?

It's from cows
who are smart enough

not to get turned
into hamburger.

Hmm.

Oh. I never looked closely
at this milk before.

Is it made by a soda company?

They don't just make soda,
Marge.

They also make industrial foam.

(belches loudly)

Homer, it's the milk!

Oh.
Hey.

I'll call the help hotline
on the carton.

(touch tones sounding)

(phone ringing)

Talk to me.

Yes, I need a milk refund.

Right. Um, address, please?

Wait, wait. Hold on.

742 Nevergreen...
Oh, Evergreen Terrace.

Sorry. Our system's
a little slow.

(indistinct chatter)

(whistling)

Aw!

(both moaning)

Ew! I mean, cool!

I just turned a
big corner, Bart.

(humming)

(laughing):
Oh, Simpson,

I called you here to gloat.

(scoffs) Yeah, yeah, I know
about you and Berrera.

You know about me and Carol?

(gasps)
You know her name?

Oh, first and middle,
and I know more.

Her favorite salad bar item
is little shredded cheese.

(scoffs)
Everyone likes that.

Oh, I know a lot
more than that.

She's never seen
an episode of Friends.

Not even "The
One with..."?

No, not one.

And she has a cat
with different color eyes.

His name is Bowie.

No!

Face it, Simpson,
you can't compete with me.

I can rent a car.

How can I derail
his happiness?

I got a delivery
of live class pets here.

Interesting. Excuse me.
I have one question.

Yes.

When you're in the shower,
do you shampoo your mustache?

Of course.
It's a must-stache,

not an
if-you-feel-like-it-stache.

All right,
have a good day.

Dickory doo.

(both moaning)

I brought you
some candy, Carol.

Not from CVS,
not from Walgreens.

From the airport.

And I wasn't even
going anywhere.

Oh!
Ah.

Your candy's filled
with chupacabras.

We've been pranked
or possibly punked.

I know who
your prankster is.

The Simpson lad.

Were you watching us make out?

I was watching you try.

Mom, could you please,
please, please

stay within the lip liner?

A week ago, you'd never
even worn makeup.

Now you're an expert
like Ace Frehley.

Aah!

Sherri. Terri. (laughs)

I usually don't see double
until an hour into the party.

(giggles)

(thunder rumbling)

It's going to rain,

and rain washes off makeup,

and then they will see me
as I truly am--

imperfect, blemished,

a social mess
in a lampshade dress.

(thunderclaps)

Okay, all right.

Lisa, you were never popular,

so you're playing
with the house's money.

Attention, party!

I'm not like you.

What I'm saying is, I gave
my Christmas money to NPR.

I have a chemistry set...
that I've used!

MAN:
Is there a point to this?

And beneath all this makeup,

I have... problem skin.

KIDS:
Ew!

What are you
talking about?

Your skin
is fine.

Really? The bad milk wore off.

So, uh, admitting
you're not cool is probably

the coolest thing
you can do, right? (laughs)

(kids murmuring)

I will see myself out.

(groans)

You look
ba-lonely.

I feel ba-lonely.

You want to be friends?
I do.

Um, how clean
is that hand?

Mmm... mah!

Cleaner now.

Okay.

A fish says, "Moo!"

(quietly):
This isn't gonna
last long.

I still take baths
in the sink.

Okay, it's over.
Sorry, Ralph.

I'll be eating crayons for one.

(hissing)

(explosion)

Oh, the plan is perfect!

I just have to get Skinner
to hold still

while I slip a firecracker
in his butt.

LISA:
Come on, give it up.

Bart, I realized
what's been going on.

We've been operating under
the influence of hormones.

Hormones? Sounds far-fetched.

(in deep voice):
Very far-fetched.

Well, it's true, so
give Skinner a shot.

Everyone deserves happiness.

Even wieners.

Hey, Dad, how much
does the Mustache Fairy pay?

Hmm, three bucks.

When you asked me to go skating,
I really thought you knew how.

Uh, I thought I could learn by
watching YouTubes this morning.

All right, Simpson, I'm here.

Do what you do best--
your worst.

Look, Seymour,
I'm not gonna do a thing.

Carol, he's all yours.

Wow. The first
war I've won.

Uh, Carol, all that's left is
for you to meet my mother,

and, uh, up
she skates now.

My son, I just want to say, I
wish the four of you the best.

Four of us?

You, her, your model
planes and nudie books.

Sorry, Seymour.

Now I can't look at you
without picturing it.

Oh, my room's
not that bad.

I'm talking
about your mother.

(cackling)

Hey, listen,
want to roast marshmallows?

I'd like that.
Great, man, great.

You're buying.

(saxophone playing)

Thank you, Simpson.

That does
feel better.

Fire looks
like it's dying down.

BART:
Thanks, man.

Well, I guess a lot of
women leave their men

to go back and serve
in Afghanistan.

No one drives 'em away
like you, Seymour.

(saxophone playing)

Well, no more
makeup for me. Ever!

What about when

you're blowing your stupid horn
at Carnegie Hall?

(gasps)
If you say it out loud,
it won't come true!

Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.

(both grunting)

Looks like someone's
still drinking the milk.

(both grunting)

(saxophone playing)

(jazz playing)

Shh!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH