The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 8 - Paths of Glory - full transcript
Lisa tries to restore the reputation of a forgotten Springfield female inventor, while Bart takes full advantage of a diagnosis that he is a sociopath.
♪ The Simpsons 27x08 ♪
Paths of Glory
Original Air Date on December 6, 2015
HOMER: D'oh!
♪ ♪
(clears throat)
Yes, uh,
the students
of Springfield Elementary
have each created
an alternative energy vehicle.
One of which will ensure
the future of humanity
as determined by a short race
across the parking lot.
(mumbles):
Yeah, yeah.
And now, uh, what is
your car powered by, uh,
fat little boy?
Hydrogen-powered fuel cells.
Ah, hydrogen--
yeah, yes, wonderful.
My car is powered by the wind!
Oh, how it blows.
Mine is potato-powered.
I keep tell you
I'm not a potato.
Be quiet, hash browns!
Dad, I'm so excited!
I think--
Hey, please don't
stand so close.
In the world of solar power,
shadows are the arch-enemy.
I think I might win.
I believe in you
and that's a given.
But I don't know.
That kid's car has flames
painted on the side of it.
Why would he do it
if it wasn't fast?
Children, start your engines!
They're not engines!
That's the whole
point of this thing!
Yeah... just go.
(crowd cheering)
That never works.
Yahoo!
I'm sun-made racin'!
Duff Beer, the only way
to get fathers
through kids' events.
Huh?
What? No!
That shouldn't happen!
I should have stored energy!
You skimped on the cadmium
in your batteries,
just like a girl.
Stick to the liberal
arts, honey.
Uh, have fun going
to Oberlin! (laughs)
Maybe you can transfer
after a couple years...
to Bates! (laughing)
Enjoy Maine in the winter!
Hope you like
Division III basketball!
(boys laughing)
(crying)
Now, don't you worry, kid.
They also laughed
at Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(sniffling)
Amelia Vanderbuckle?
Who's she?
Ah, she was Springfield's
original lady inventor.
Ah...!
Why have I never
heard of her?
Well, totally nuts.
She made a mess of everything.
Oh!
Easy, girly, don't go
Vanderbuckle on us.
(grunting)
"Amelia Vanderbuckle
lived in Springfield
"in the 1800s.
"She was the middle child
of a family of 17.
"12 of whom died
from exposure to drafty windows.
Her father worked as a human
canary in the poison mines."
"Amelia was the first
female graduate
of Springfield Tech."
Do you have to
read out loud?
I'm trying to pour ants
in this doll.
(louder): "Among other things,
she was the proud inventor
of the steam-powered
barber chair."
(jaunty, tinny
piano music playing)
(both scream)
I want one!
"A medical board
diagnosed Amelia
"with acute feminine
overreachism and she was--
(gasps)
"She was committed
to the Springfield Home
for the Criminally Different."
Whoa, the banana cabana?
"But Amelia never gave up,
"continuing to work
as an inventor
within the confines
of the asylum."
BART: Ay, carumba!
Bart, if we find
those inventions,
we can prove that Amelia
was scientifically significant.
Pass.
Listen to me.
I need to prove
this woman was not a lunatic
so people will not giggle
when they hear the words
"woman scientist."
(chuckles)
"Woman scientist."
What's next--
boy cigarette girl?
(Grampa laughs in distance)
Let me ask again.
Will you help me break into
an abandoned insane asylum?
(wind gusting, whistling)
Abandoned asylum, where
have you been all my life?
How do we get in?
Well, I'd say
the best bet
is the sewer pipe.
Oh, gee.
(echoing):
Oh, come on, Bart.
Or this door.
Bart!
(laughs)
(moaning nearby)
The ghosts of a thousand
lunatics are making me hot.
Yeah, what doesn't
make you hot?
Alcoholic stepfathers.
(goofy grunting
and snorting)
Ew! Stop that!
You don't know who had
that in their mouth.
Sure I do--
some luno!
Mmm, that's good crazy.
Ew.
"Vanderbean, Vanderbottom,
Vanderbozo--"
ah, here we go--
"Vanderbuckle!
"Vanderbuckle, Alfred;
Vanderbuckle, Alice;
"Vanderbuckle, Allspice;
Vanderbuckle, Amelia"!
A wax cylinder!
Amelia recorded her voice!
(nonchalant):
Mm.
AMELIA: Though I have been locked up
in this sanitarium
for lo, these many years,
I have completed an invention
that will change the world!
Bart! Did you hear that?
(imitating Dracula):
Good evening.
Because I am not taken seriously
due to my gender,
a friendly guard
has hidden my invention
until a future time,
when some liberated young woman
has the permission
of her husband to look for it.
There's a whole closet
of these things!
How many magicians
do they have in this place?
Find my journal,
and it will lead you
to my greatest invention!
P.S. Nikola Tesla might have
told you he broke up with me,
but I broke up with him.
Aah!
We've got to find that journal.
Ooh!
"Dear Diary, today I watched
a neighbor's house burn down.
This will teach their dog
to laugh at me."
Whoa! Look at me!
I'm enjoying reading!
Guys, did you
ever read something
and think it was written
just for you?
Behold...
the diary of Nathan Little!
"I pushed a vagabond
under a trolley."
What's a trolley?
Old-timey subway.
What's a vagabond?
Homeless guy.
(sobbing, wailing)
What's a homeless guy?
Ralphie! Come on,
we got daddy-son tap class!
Tap class!
Hey, where is that kid?
We got a recital next week
and his timestep is terrible,
let alone flair.
Tap class!
Tuh... tap class?
(boys scream)
Ralphie, what is
going on here?
Bart made us read pages
from a scary diary.
I was so a-scared, sour juice
came out my front tail.
Bart wrote this?
This is bad.
Ooh, really bad.
I don't think we're
gonna make it to...
tap class.
(knocking on door)
Chief Wiggum?
Your son is dead...
(loud gasp)
...inside.
(quieter gasp)
That's bad, too.
Yeah, these are pages
from your son's diary.
I'm afraid they very
clearly show him to be...
a sociopath.
Hm. Well, I've never seen Bart
write in cursive,
so I'm a little proud of that,
but this is the worst thing
that's ever happened
to this family.
I-I'm sorry, Marge.
And... shuffle off,
shuffle off,
shuffle off.
(Homer humming cheerfully)
Homie, I've learned
something terrible about Bart.
You may want to have a drink.
Way ahead of ya.
Chief Wiggum found these pages
from our son's diary!
Oh, I've had a long day.
Bart might be
a sociopath.
Socio-what?
(groans) "Someone who
can't feel empathy or guilt.
They do terrible things
and don't care who it hurts."
(doorbell chiming
repeatedly)
Don't answer that!
It could be Bart!
Bart has a key.
What?! Who gave him a key!
Hey, Mrs. Simpson.
Can Bart come over
and see
my grandfather's collection
of Japanese swords
and throwing daggers?
Aah! Why don't you play
with Lisa instead, hmm?
(grunts)
Konnichi-whaaa...?!
Hey, Milhouse.
Wow, this is
a surprise.
I'm usually sweating when
we talk, but not this time.
It's amazing how you can charm
and disgust me at the same time.
That's just what happens
when I'm with the
prettiest girl in town.
Aw...
(cackles, snorts)
Ew.
Amelia's journal tells us
that her invention
is buried in the basement
of the Springfield
Suffragette Society.
(sighs): Ah...
anyone ever tell you
you're beautiful when
you're sleuthing?
Milhouse, did the Hardy Boys
ever hit on Nancy Drew?
Frank did, but Joe...
let's just say there's
a mystery about him.
The Suffragette Society
was right here.
Oh... here?
Hey, sweetie, you
looking for your mom?
I'll find her-- just, uh,
give me her cup size.
Actually, we're here
because your basement
is home to a landmark
of feminist history.
Do you mind
if we poke around?
The basement, eh?
Yeah, that's where
we wash the ketchup off
the old onion rings.
So no.
These guys want a children's menu?
Nah, they're just leavin'.
Seriously, kids, I got
to switch ten TV's
over to the fourth round of
the NBA draft, so get lost.
All right, Denver Nuggets
on the clock, people!
Okay, I found
a test online
that will tell us,
once and for all,
whether Bart is a...
you know.
HOMER:
Wait a minute!
We can't just give Bart
something labeled
"Sociopath Test"!
He might look it up and set
us on fire with his mind!
You're right!
We need Bart to think
the test is
for something else.
Finally! A use for
the label maker!
One of you betrayed me, and
snitches lose their stitches.
(high-pitched):
Sit on my banana!
(normal voice):
Why, you little...!
(grunting)
Where does he get this stuff?
Hey, son, your mom and I
just found this quiz
you'd really love to take.
"Are You a Jet Ski Dude
or a Motocross Maestro?"
Remember to answer the
questions honestly.
We want to know if you meet
the clinical definition
of "jet ski dude."
"I enjoy manipulating
other people."
"I believe I'm being followed."
"Sometimes I feel as if I must
injure myself or someone else."
Agree, agree, agree.
Hmm.
"Sociopath."
What's that?
Ay, carumba!
That's what they think I am?
Fine! I'll pretend to be the
biggest sociopath in the world!
And I only need to change
three answers.
Is he nuts?
I don't know.
What do you think?
I mean, he looks nuts,
that's for sure.
(clears throat)
So, here's your test.
Call me crazy,
but I enjoyed it.
(Bart whistling
"Pop Goes the Weasel")
Well, the good news
is that Bart just got
his first 100%
ever on a test.
Oh, my God.
What do we do?
Whatever Bart wants.
(snickers)
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ But that's how it goes ♪
♪ Millions of people ♪
♪ Living as foes ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ It's not too late ♪
(tires screeching)
♪ To learn how to love ♪
♪ And forget how to hate ♪
♪ Mental wounds not healing ♪
♪ Life's a bitter shame ♪
♪ I'm going off the rails ♪
♪ On a crazy train ♪
♪ I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train! ♪
Thanks.
(male voice, Scottish accent): My pleasure.
Anything to take down
Knockers.
I've always hated them,
because they wouldn't open up
at 4:00 a.m. to show the World
Caber Tossing Championships.
Okay, Willie, you can
only use the jackhammer
when there's lots
of noise upstairs.
No worries.
It is Monday Night
Football,
by which I mean
American football,
by which I mean
no football at all!
(muffled cheering and applause)
(jackhammering)
(gasps)
There's the box!
(muffled cheering and applause)
Ow! Medium spicy!
Ach! We've hit
the hot sauce supply line!
I'll have to neutralize it
with some signature blue cheese!
Ah...!
Look at me! I'm a sociopath!
Marge, it's time
we did something.
We can take him swimming.
That makes him sleepy.
Not good enough.
We have to call the number
at the bottom
of the test.
What number?
HOMER: Right there.
MARGE: "New Beginnings"?
We're gonna trust our son
to an 800 number?
It's 888.
Marge, this is
for his own good.
He failed an online test.
How much more
proof do you need?
Cue-abunga!
(bird squawks, Bart laughs)
Surprise!
Surprise!
Whoa, cool! But wait a minute,
my birthday's not
for another two months.
We know! But we wanted
to have your party now!
They were having a
sale on piñatas and...
one thing led to another
so we, you know,
had a thing,
mumble, mumble, mumble...
mumble...
Well, where are my friends?
Well, I was gonna
mail out invites,
but I was out of stamps and
the post office line was long,
(mumbling): and I didn't
know where all the little...
Well, more cake for me.
No, no, no, no.
Do the Moon Bounce first.
Yes! The Moon Bounce!
Don't want you throwing up
this delicious cake.
(clunking)
(grunting, laughing)
(laughing)
Huh.
Eh.
(laughing)
(engine revs, tires squeal)
BART: Whoa!
(Bart laughing)
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Is it an asylum?
No, it's a pizza parlor.
Please tell me, Dad,
is it really a pizza parlor?
No, son-- the pizza parlor
is where your mom and I
are going afterwards.
Now, you're gonna be fine.
I wouldn't be surprised if you
were the least messed-up kid
in the whole joint.
We love you!
(doors squeak and clang)
Wait, wait, wait! I didn't
even get to say good-bye.
Good-bye!
I'll never forgive you!
There. You happy?
Let me out!
I was just playing a joke!
A cruel joke on the people that
love me! That I don't regret!
That doesn't make me
a sociopath!
(door creaks open)
WOMAN: Children,
form a line
in order of medication
from Adderall to Zoloft.
You have been brought here
for a purpose.
You are fearless,
and no one can stop you.
Which means you'll be
of great use...
To the U.S. military.
I expected more
of a reaction.
I waited outside
the door and everything.
They don't react.
That's what we want.
Right.
We'll be using you
in the ultimate video game
to test these U.S. Air Force
drone simulators.
Man, that is
a tough crowd.
HOMER: Oh!
Mom, Dad, I've discovered
the most amazing thing!
I can't wait...
Um, where's Bart?
He's safe.
And more importantly, we're safe.
(sobs)
I miss him so much.
(panting)
Oh. Can I call him?
You can call his guard, Tico.
He picks up sometimes.
I see.
Okay, I'll do that.
Homie, where
did we go wrong?
I don't know, sweetie.
I don't know.
We did everything we could for
him during the commercials.
And we're live
as Lisa Simpson prepares
to prove
that Springfield embarrassment
Amelia Vanderbuckle
deserves to be
in the female scientific
pantheon,
along with Marie Curie and, uh,
you know, uh, um,
Velma from Scooby-Doo.
Thank you all for coming out
to support a woman's place
in history!
That's what this is?
I thought it was a
Green Bay Packers rally.
All right, you know what,
this ain't coming off.
Behold, the masterpiece
of Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(crowd murmurs)
A loom?!
That isn't science.
That's home economics.
Everyone, storm the stage!
(crowd clamoring)
Not so fast!
This is no ordinary loom!
Even an extraordinary loom
is the most boring thing
I could think of.
This is much, much more
than just a loom.
(clacking)
(squeaking, clicking;
Lisa grunts)
(whirring, clanking)
(puffing)
(crowd gasping in wonder)
It's alive!
And polite!
"Operand"? Looks like it wants
us to give it a math problem.
(grunting)
(whirring, thudding)
Oh, my God. Oh, God!
It's the first
computational device!
People, people,
don't you see?
The board acts
like punch cards
and the loom
like a computer,
with the Charles Babbage
and the John Von Neumann...
Let's have the square root
of nine cheers for Lisa!
(whirring, clanking)
ALL: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
You see that, Bart?
You see what your sister did?
Yeah, yeah, great.
Listen, I'm in a simulator,
so I can't really talk.
And you know I'm a sociopath,
so I'm just going through
the motions here.
I love you.
I was just saying that
to myself.
(beep)
Kaboom! Blam-blam-blam!
Have a smart bomb, stupid.
(imitates explosions)
Nice not knowin' ya.
MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
All targets destroyed.
Simulation complete.
You are impressive.
Even though I'm the only
real person in the world,
and, therefore, I created you
in my imagination.
Children, your empty souls
and flying fingers
are very impressive,
and I can tell you now
that was no simulation.
You mean
we were blowing up real stuff?
That's right-- convoys,
terrorist training camps,
suspicious weddings,
Kabul Starbucks.
Cool!
Awesome. - I knew it!
(voice breaking): No, I thought
it was a video game.
I don't want
to hurt real people.
Oh, I want to go home.
Please?
How disappointing.
Does anyone else share
the human boy's feelings?
Son, the truth is
the simulators we told you
weren't simulators
were simulators.
(all gasping)
Now, I'm sorry, Bart,
but you are a healthy,
normal boy.
We're sending you home.
Really? Oh, wow.
Dudes, it's been real.
Although, actually,
it was all a fake.
I'll never forget you,
Bart Simpson.
742 Evergreen Terrace.
Dog door in the back
that has no lock.
(knocking on door)
My little guy is back!
And I'm not bad!
I just made bad decisions.
(crying):
It's okay, boy.
You started out life
as a bad decision.
The best bad decision
I ever made.
(all crying)
(crying): And I restored
the reputation
of a scientist
from 100 years ago.
(crying): And Maggie tried
strawberries for the first time.
What a day!
What a day!
(sucking pacifier)
Okay, Lisa, go
ahead and say it.
Don't be ashamed.
I'm immortal!
(echoing): ...immortal!
Hey, Madam Docent,
want to come see?
DOCENT: Oh, I'd love to, but
there's a huge crowd here
at the Science
of Thor exhibit.
Hey, tour! Want to see a great
invention and its plaque?
We're just passing through
to the cafe.
Double-time, tour.
How 'bout you, sir?
Je Ne parle pas l'Anglais.
Pas de problème.
Je parle français!
Uh, leave me alone,
little girl!
Okay, pal, if you are
indeed a personal computer...
Oh, baby. Spin that yarn.
Now, that is a loom with a view.
MARGE: Homie! Come help
me carry the groceries!
(shouts)
Yeah!
Clear history, clear history.
Just working
on your anniversary present.
I know this looks like nothing,
but it's actually bad.
♪ ♪
Shh!
Paths of Glory
Original Air Date on December 6, 2015
HOMER: D'oh!
♪ ♪
(clears throat)
Yes, uh,
the students
of Springfield Elementary
have each created
an alternative energy vehicle.
One of which will ensure
the future of humanity
as determined by a short race
across the parking lot.
(mumbles):
Yeah, yeah.
And now, uh, what is
your car powered by, uh,
fat little boy?
Hydrogen-powered fuel cells.
Ah, hydrogen--
yeah, yes, wonderful.
My car is powered by the wind!
Oh, how it blows.
Mine is potato-powered.
I keep tell you
I'm not a potato.
Be quiet, hash browns!
Dad, I'm so excited!
I think--
Hey, please don't
stand so close.
In the world of solar power,
shadows are the arch-enemy.
I think I might win.
I believe in you
and that's a given.
But I don't know.
That kid's car has flames
painted on the side of it.
Why would he do it
if it wasn't fast?
Children, start your engines!
They're not engines!
That's the whole
point of this thing!
Yeah... just go.
(crowd cheering)
That never works.
Yahoo!
I'm sun-made racin'!
Duff Beer, the only way
to get fathers
through kids' events.
Huh?
What? No!
That shouldn't happen!
I should have stored energy!
You skimped on the cadmium
in your batteries,
just like a girl.
Stick to the liberal
arts, honey.
Uh, have fun going
to Oberlin! (laughs)
Maybe you can transfer
after a couple years...
to Bates! (laughing)
Enjoy Maine in the winter!
Hope you like
Division III basketball!
(boys laughing)
(crying)
Now, don't you worry, kid.
They also laughed
at Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(sniffling)
Amelia Vanderbuckle?
Who's she?
Ah, she was Springfield's
original lady inventor.
Ah...!
Why have I never
heard of her?
Well, totally nuts.
She made a mess of everything.
Oh!
Easy, girly, don't go
Vanderbuckle on us.
(grunting)
"Amelia Vanderbuckle
lived in Springfield
"in the 1800s.
"She was the middle child
of a family of 17.
"12 of whom died
from exposure to drafty windows.
Her father worked as a human
canary in the poison mines."
"Amelia was the first
female graduate
of Springfield Tech."
Do you have to
read out loud?
I'm trying to pour ants
in this doll.
(louder): "Among other things,
she was the proud inventor
of the steam-powered
barber chair."
(jaunty, tinny
piano music playing)
(both scream)
I want one!
"A medical board
diagnosed Amelia
"with acute feminine
overreachism and she was--
(gasps)
"She was committed
to the Springfield Home
for the Criminally Different."
Whoa, the banana cabana?
"But Amelia never gave up,
"continuing to work
as an inventor
within the confines
of the asylum."
BART: Ay, carumba!
Bart, if we find
those inventions,
we can prove that Amelia
was scientifically significant.
Pass.
Listen to me.
I need to prove
this woman was not a lunatic
so people will not giggle
when they hear the words
"woman scientist."
(chuckles)
"Woman scientist."
What's next--
boy cigarette girl?
(Grampa laughs in distance)
Let me ask again.
Will you help me break into
an abandoned insane asylum?
(wind gusting, whistling)
Abandoned asylum, where
have you been all my life?
How do we get in?
Well, I'd say
the best bet
is the sewer pipe.
Oh, gee.
(echoing):
Oh, come on, Bart.
Or this door.
Bart!
(laughs)
(moaning nearby)
The ghosts of a thousand
lunatics are making me hot.
Yeah, what doesn't
make you hot?
Alcoholic stepfathers.
(goofy grunting
and snorting)
Ew! Stop that!
You don't know who had
that in their mouth.
Sure I do--
some luno!
Mmm, that's good crazy.
Ew.
"Vanderbean, Vanderbottom,
Vanderbozo--"
ah, here we go--
"Vanderbuckle!
"Vanderbuckle, Alfred;
Vanderbuckle, Alice;
"Vanderbuckle, Allspice;
Vanderbuckle, Amelia"!
A wax cylinder!
Amelia recorded her voice!
(nonchalant):
Mm.
AMELIA: Though I have been locked up
in this sanitarium
for lo, these many years,
I have completed an invention
that will change the world!
Bart! Did you hear that?
(imitating Dracula):
Good evening.
Because I am not taken seriously
due to my gender,
a friendly guard
has hidden my invention
until a future time,
when some liberated young woman
has the permission
of her husband to look for it.
There's a whole closet
of these things!
How many magicians
do they have in this place?
Find my journal,
and it will lead you
to my greatest invention!
P.S. Nikola Tesla might have
told you he broke up with me,
but I broke up with him.
Aah!
We've got to find that journal.
Ooh!
"Dear Diary, today I watched
a neighbor's house burn down.
This will teach their dog
to laugh at me."
Whoa! Look at me!
I'm enjoying reading!
Guys, did you
ever read something
and think it was written
just for you?
Behold...
the diary of Nathan Little!
"I pushed a vagabond
under a trolley."
What's a trolley?
Old-timey subway.
What's a vagabond?
Homeless guy.
(sobbing, wailing)
What's a homeless guy?
Ralphie! Come on,
we got daddy-son tap class!
Tap class!
Hey, where is that kid?
We got a recital next week
and his timestep is terrible,
let alone flair.
Tap class!
Tuh... tap class?
(boys scream)
Ralphie, what is
going on here?
Bart made us read pages
from a scary diary.
I was so a-scared, sour juice
came out my front tail.
Bart wrote this?
This is bad.
Ooh, really bad.
I don't think we're
gonna make it to...
tap class.
(knocking on door)
Chief Wiggum?
Your son is dead...
(loud gasp)
...inside.
(quieter gasp)
That's bad, too.
Yeah, these are pages
from your son's diary.
I'm afraid they very
clearly show him to be...
a sociopath.
Hm. Well, I've never seen Bart
write in cursive,
so I'm a little proud of that,
but this is the worst thing
that's ever happened
to this family.
I-I'm sorry, Marge.
And... shuffle off,
shuffle off,
shuffle off.
(Homer humming cheerfully)
Homie, I've learned
something terrible about Bart.
You may want to have a drink.
Way ahead of ya.
Chief Wiggum found these pages
from our son's diary!
Oh, I've had a long day.
Bart might be
a sociopath.
Socio-what?
(groans) "Someone who
can't feel empathy or guilt.
They do terrible things
and don't care who it hurts."
(doorbell chiming
repeatedly)
Don't answer that!
It could be Bart!
Bart has a key.
What?! Who gave him a key!
Hey, Mrs. Simpson.
Can Bart come over
and see
my grandfather's collection
of Japanese swords
and throwing daggers?
Aah! Why don't you play
with Lisa instead, hmm?
(grunts)
Konnichi-whaaa...?!
Hey, Milhouse.
Wow, this is
a surprise.
I'm usually sweating when
we talk, but not this time.
It's amazing how you can charm
and disgust me at the same time.
That's just what happens
when I'm with the
prettiest girl in town.
Aw...
(cackles, snorts)
Ew.
Amelia's journal tells us
that her invention
is buried in the basement
of the Springfield
Suffragette Society.
(sighs): Ah...
anyone ever tell you
you're beautiful when
you're sleuthing?
Milhouse, did the Hardy Boys
ever hit on Nancy Drew?
Frank did, but Joe...
let's just say there's
a mystery about him.
The Suffragette Society
was right here.
Oh... here?
Hey, sweetie, you
looking for your mom?
I'll find her-- just, uh,
give me her cup size.
Actually, we're here
because your basement
is home to a landmark
of feminist history.
Do you mind
if we poke around?
The basement, eh?
Yeah, that's where
we wash the ketchup off
the old onion rings.
So no.
These guys want a children's menu?
Nah, they're just leavin'.
Seriously, kids, I got
to switch ten TV's
over to the fourth round of
the NBA draft, so get lost.
All right, Denver Nuggets
on the clock, people!
Okay, I found
a test online
that will tell us,
once and for all,
whether Bart is a...
you know.
HOMER:
Wait a minute!
We can't just give Bart
something labeled
"Sociopath Test"!
He might look it up and set
us on fire with his mind!
You're right!
We need Bart to think
the test is
for something else.
Finally! A use for
the label maker!
One of you betrayed me, and
snitches lose their stitches.
(high-pitched):
Sit on my banana!
(normal voice):
Why, you little...!
(grunting)
Where does he get this stuff?
Hey, son, your mom and I
just found this quiz
you'd really love to take.
"Are You a Jet Ski Dude
or a Motocross Maestro?"
Remember to answer the
questions honestly.
We want to know if you meet
the clinical definition
of "jet ski dude."
"I enjoy manipulating
other people."
"I believe I'm being followed."
"Sometimes I feel as if I must
injure myself or someone else."
Agree, agree, agree.
Hmm.
"Sociopath."
What's that?
Ay, carumba!
That's what they think I am?
Fine! I'll pretend to be the
biggest sociopath in the world!
And I only need to change
three answers.
Is he nuts?
I don't know.
What do you think?
I mean, he looks nuts,
that's for sure.
(clears throat)
So, here's your test.
Call me crazy,
but I enjoyed it.
(Bart whistling
"Pop Goes the Weasel")
Well, the good news
is that Bart just got
his first 100%
ever on a test.
Oh, my God.
What do we do?
Whatever Bart wants.
(snickers)
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ But that's how it goes ♪
♪ Millions of people ♪
♪ Living as foes ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ It's not too late ♪
(tires screeching)
♪ To learn how to love ♪
♪ And forget how to hate ♪
♪ Mental wounds not healing ♪
♪ Life's a bitter shame ♪
♪ I'm going off the rails ♪
♪ On a crazy train ♪
♪ I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train! ♪
Thanks.
(male voice, Scottish accent): My pleasure.
Anything to take down
Knockers.
I've always hated them,
because they wouldn't open up
at 4:00 a.m. to show the World
Caber Tossing Championships.
Okay, Willie, you can
only use the jackhammer
when there's lots
of noise upstairs.
No worries.
It is Monday Night
Football,
by which I mean
American football,
by which I mean
no football at all!
(muffled cheering and applause)
(jackhammering)
(gasps)
There's the box!
(muffled cheering and applause)
Ow! Medium spicy!
Ach! We've hit
the hot sauce supply line!
I'll have to neutralize it
with some signature blue cheese!
Ah...!
Look at me! I'm a sociopath!
Marge, it's time
we did something.
We can take him swimming.
That makes him sleepy.
Not good enough.
We have to call the number
at the bottom
of the test.
What number?
HOMER: Right there.
MARGE: "New Beginnings"?
We're gonna trust our son
to an 800 number?
It's 888.
Marge, this is
for his own good.
He failed an online test.
How much more
proof do you need?
Cue-abunga!
(bird squawks, Bart laughs)
Surprise!
Surprise!
Whoa, cool! But wait a minute,
my birthday's not
for another two months.
We know! But we wanted
to have your party now!
They were having a
sale on piñatas and...
one thing led to another
so we, you know,
had a thing,
mumble, mumble, mumble...
mumble...
Well, where are my friends?
Well, I was gonna
mail out invites,
but I was out of stamps and
the post office line was long,
(mumbling): and I didn't
know where all the little...
Well, more cake for me.
No, no, no, no.
Do the Moon Bounce first.
Yes! The Moon Bounce!
Don't want you throwing up
this delicious cake.
(clunking)
(grunting, laughing)
(laughing)
Huh.
Eh.
(laughing)
(engine revs, tires squeal)
BART: Whoa!
(Bart laughing)
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Is it an asylum?
No, it's a pizza parlor.
Please tell me, Dad,
is it really a pizza parlor?
No, son-- the pizza parlor
is where your mom and I
are going afterwards.
Now, you're gonna be fine.
I wouldn't be surprised if you
were the least messed-up kid
in the whole joint.
We love you!
(doors squeak and clang)
Wait, wait, wait! I didn't
even get to say good-bye.
Good-bye!
I'll never forgive you!
There. You happy?
Let me out!
I was just playing a joke!
A cruel joke on the people that
love me! That I don't regret!
That doesn't make me
a sociopath!
(door creaks open)
WOMAN: Children,
form a line
in order of medication
from Adderall to Zoloft.
You have been brought here
for a purpose.
You are fearless,
and no one can stop you.
Which means you'll be
of great use...
To the U.S. military.
I expected more
of a reaction.
I waited outside
the door and everything.
They don't react.
That's what we want.
Right.
We'll be using you
in the ultimate video game
to test these U.S. Air Force
drone simulators.
Man, that is
a tough crowd.
HOMER: Oh!
Mom, Dad, I've discovered
the most amazing thing!
I can't wait...
Um, where's Bart?
He's safe.
And more importantly, we're safe.
(sobs)
I miss him so much.
(panting)
Oh. Can I call him?
You can call his guard, Tico.
He picks up sometimes.
I see.
Okay, I'll do that.
Homie, where
did we go wrong?
I don't know, sweetie.
I don't know.
We did everything we could for
him during the commercials.
And we're live
as Lisa Simpson prepares
to prove
that Springfield embarrassment
Amelia Vanderbuckle
deserves to be
in the female scientific
pantheon,
along with Marie Curie and, uh,
you know, uh, um,
Velma from Scooby-Doo.
Thank you all for coming out
to support a woman's place
in history!
That's what this is?
I thought it was a
Green Bay Packers rally.
All right, you know what,
this ain't coming off.
Behold, the masterpiece
of Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(crowd murmurs)
A loom?!
That isn't science.
That's home economics.
Everyone, storm the stage!
(crowd clamoring)
Not so fast!
This is no ordinary loom!
Even an extraordinary loom
is the most boring thing
I could think of.
This is much, much more
than just a loom.
(clacking)
(squeaking, clicking;
Lisa grunts)
(whirring, clanking)
(puffing)
(crowd gasping in wonder)
It's alive!
And polite!
"Operand"? Looks like it wants
us to give it a math problem.
(grunting)
(whirring, thudding)
Oh, my God. Oh, God!
It's the first
computational device!
People, people,
don't you see?
The board acts
like punch cards
and the loom
like a computer,
with the Charles Babbage
and the John Von Neumann...
Let's have the square root
of nine cheers for Lisa!
(whirring, clanking)
ALL: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
You see that, Bart?
You see what your sister did?
Yeah, yeah, great.
Listen, I'm in a simulator,
so I can't really talk.
And you know I'm a sociopath,
so I'm just going through
the motions here.
I love you.
I was just saying that
to myself.
(beep)
Kaboom! Blam-blam-blam!
Have a smart bomb, stupid.
(imitates explosions)
Nice not knowin' ya.
MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
All targets destroyed.
Simulation complete.
You are impressive.
Even though I'm the only
real person in the world,
and, therefore, I created you
in my imagination.
Children, your empty souls
and flying fingers
are very impressive,
and I can tell you now
that was no simulation.
You mean
we were blowing up real stuff?
That's right-- convoys,
terrorist training camps,
suspicious weddings,
Kabul Starbucks.
Cool!
Awesome. - I knew it!
(voice breaking): No, I thought
it was a video game.
I don't want
to hurt real people.
Oh, I want to go home.
Please?
How disappointing.
Does anyone else share
the human boy's feelings?
Son, the truth is
the simulators we told you
weren't simulators
were simulators.
(all gasping)
Now, I'm sorry, Bart,
but you are a healthy,
normal boy.
We're sending you home.
Really? Oh, wow.
Dudes, it's been real.
Although, actually,
it was all a fake.
I'll never forget you,
Bart Simpson.
742 Evergreen Terrace.
Dog door in the back
that has no lock.
(knocking on door)
My little guy is back!
And I'm not bad!
I just made bad decisions.
(crying):
It's okay, boy.
You started out life
as a bad decision.
The best bad decision
I ever made.
(all crying)
(crying): And I restored
the reputation
of a scientist
from 100 years ago.
(crying): And Maggie tried
strawberries for the first time.
What a day!
What a day!
(sucking pacifier)
Okay, Lisa, go
ahead and say it.
Don't be ashamed.
I'm immortal!
(echoing): ...immortal!
Hey, Madam Docent,
want to come see?
DOCENT: Oh, I'd love to, but
there's a huge crowd here
at the Science
of Thor exhibit.
Hey, tour! Want to see a great
invention and its plaque?
We're just passing through
to the cafe.
Double-time, tour.
How 'bout you, sir?
Je Ne parle pas l'Anglais.
Pas de problème.
Je parle français!
Uh, leave me alone,
little girl!
Okay, pal, if you are
indeed a personal computer...
Oh, baby. Spin that yarn.
Now, that is a loom with a view.
MARGE: Homie! Come help
me carry the groceries!
(shouts)
Yeah!
Clear history, clear history.
Just working
on your anniversary present.
I know this looks like nothing,
but it's actually bad.
♪ ♪
Shh!