The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 6 - Friend with Benefit - full transcript

♪ ♪

♪ The Simpsons 27x06 ♪
Friend With Benefit
Original Air Date on November 8, 20

Hmm?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

♪ ♪

Coming up on Undercover CEO,

Krusty the clown learns what
it's like to work for himself.

Pass.

There comes a time
in everyone's life

when you need
a little extra help

getting up from your chair.



That's why we invented
the Seat-to-Feet Lift Chair,

which makes getting up
by yourself...

A thing of the past?

...a thing of the past!

Whoo-hoo!

Wha...? He's... he's up!

He's up.

Eleventy-hundred?

I can't afford that.

But that chair
would be a lot better

than the way I get up now.

Come on...

Yeah!

Magic Club!



Join the Magic Club!

Want to cut up a banana
without peeling it?

Join and...

I'll tell you how.

It's with a needle and thread!

I like magic!

I'm going to take
one of your cards.

Or did I take 52?

Do you want to join?

You could be president!

Just man the booth.

I need to go
to the bathroom.

I'd love to join.

Honestly, this is the only booth
that doesn't creep me out.

Hug me! Hug me!

Hug me!

I'm Harper.
Just moved here.

Trying to make friends.

Lisa.
Always been here.

Trying to make
friends.

Well, I've got news
for all of your clubs:

it's 3:00 p.m., so Willie's
turnin' on the sprinklers!

Guys,

I need your advice.

Season three of anything
is the best.

Agreed.

But I wanted advice
for something else.

It's something I really
need for my well-being,

but I just don't
have the bucks.

The thing everyone's
doing these days,

uh, by which I mean
a couple of years ago,

is to get money
through crowdfunding.

You thought about that?

Yes, but what is it?

Crowdfunding is when
lots of people

give you small amounts of money

to help your passion project
come to life.

Thanks to crowdfunding,
we have Makey Makey computers,

the 3Doodler pen,

and Zach Braff's
generation-defining dud

"Wish I Was Here."

Well, if there's anything

that has true wisdom,
it's crowds.

Hmm.

Hello, friends.

Are you sick of "Big Charity"
asking you for money,

with its free return envelopes

and annoying black tie dinners?

Well, I'm here to ask you

for something different.

Something simple.

You can help a man
get back on his feet.

Dad, what are
you recording?

Ooh, Lisa.

Turn to camera and
quickly say "please give."

Please give.

Give what?

Uh, Lisa... eh, well,
we'll fix that in post.

He didn't even have the money
to fix that in post.

That is the saddest thing
I've ever seen.

Well, I suppose
I could spare a little

for my neighboreeno.

Will you shut up,
Flanders?!

Lip zipped.

I don't give handouts

to poor people.

It's not in the spirit
of self-made Americanism,

as espoused
by Russian weirdo Ayn Rand.

Dang it!

We did it, friends.

Made our goal.

And now, to reveal the miracle

that you all made happen...

That's right.

You bought me this chair.

My ass was just lifted

by a thousand angels.

We bought him
a chair?

That lazy lump!

After I finish this beer
and have a nap,

I may just call him.

You gave money
to this idiot?

It was from my
separate bank account.

What separate
account?

Uh... I only use it to pay
for my separate phone.

You have
a separate phone?

Um... um... uh...

Up, down,

up, down.

Up, down...

up, down.

Good!

You feel the burning
in your core?

Oh, yes, I do.

Mmm.

Homie, answer the door!

For the first time in my life,

I'd be happy to!

Spend my money on a chair, sir?

You're a lazy, bald monster.

Don't be alarmed,
there, Homer.

We're just gonna
calmly and gently

destroy that chair!

No way.

My chair is now protected
by a human shield.

Take that, you idiot!

Lisa...

the crowdfunding video
you costarred in

is causing a lot of problems.

The what-what
I what-whatted in?

Burn that chair!

Burn that chair!

Burn that chair!
Wait a minute.

That's not the chair.

What?
Oh. Oh.

No tip!

Guess a guy like me

is never gonna get
the finer things in life.

What's the point?

Aw, you poor thing.

I've never seen you
this unhappy lying down.

Dad?

Can you take me to a concert
with my new friend Harper?

Her dad got us
the seats.

Sure, why not?

It'll be nosebleed
or obstructed view seats.

That's all a self-pitying guy
like me ever gets.

Who's the band?

They're an adorable
Australian boy band,

and you can't really understand
what they're saying.

But who cares?

I understand.

That's how I felt
about Crocodile Dundee.

I will never
forgive you

for making us see
that third movie.

♪ ♪

Music in a sports arena.

The acoustics are
gonna be a joke.

Two tickets
for Homer Simpson.

Here you go...

and here are your platinum
V.I.P. wristbands.

What the...? V.I.P.?

Oh, this is never coming off!

Just like the one

from the last great day
in my life.

Oh, those muffins.

And it's all thanks
to Harper's dad.

Who is this guy?

Mm.

Ooh.

Mi hijo queria ver esto,

pero no puedo
arrastrarla a mi show.

Yes, yes, yes.

Whoa!

The only platinum
band I have

is the one that's holding
my skull together.

Um, through that door.

Remember when we
were A-list?

It all went south for me
when I got that D.U.I.

and said all those things
I secretly believe.

Doe-eyed Boys!

Where? Where?

Maybe one of these four
little wimps will tell me.

Answer me, wimps!

That's them.

The band.

Hi. I'm Bindi,

and this is Boz,
McQuarrie and Wodonga.

Wodonga.

I'm afraid you
don't belong here.

Your wristbands are
platinum with stripes.

You belong...

in there, braddah!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, I wish I could
tell you guys

what's in there,
but you know...

no stripes.

Lisa! You made it!

♪ ♪

Homer Simpson?

I'm Harper's dad.

And I am so stoked
to meet you!

My entire life

has been a journey
toward these seats.

Who are you?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the new owner
of the Springfield Arena,

the CEO of J-Cloud
Digital Storage Solutions...

Mike Jambowski!

I love this venue!

Ven-ue! Ven-ue! Ven-ue!

Venue...

Venue!

Hey, you want to fire
a confetti gun, Homer?

That's the only kind
of gun I've never fired.

Come on, just point
and squeeze.

I know that guy.

Yeah, sure you do,
Uncle Lenny.

No, he works at
the plant with me.

Homer something.

♪ When we harmonize ♪

♪ And you look in our eyes ♪

♪ You'll see it's no surprise ♪

♪ That we're your Nobel Prize ♪

♪ 'Cause, girl,
you know it's true ♪

♪ All four of us love you ♪

♪ Yeah, we do,
yeah, we do, yeah, we do ♪

♪ Monday I love you ♪

♪ Tuesday I do, too ♪

♪ Wednesday that's for me ♪

♪ Thursday I love thee ♪

♪ Friday is your day... ♪

Is this heaven?

Not quite,
'cause I hate the music.

Maybe we're not close
enough to the band, huh?

♪ How about we all just... ♪

Fantastic!

The future of music, man!

Wow!

Hey, Homer, you want to get
out of here, get a beer?

♪ Girl, you know it's true ♪

♪ All four of us love you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

And now a special guest.

From the Hasbro Channel's
hit sitcom

Recycle Michael
and the Tin Can Crew,

inoffensive robot superstar,
Der Zip Zorp.

Hi, I'm Gus, and I'll be
happy to serve you.

A friendly bartender?

This is like being
from North Korea

and finding out
there's a South Korea.

Homer, a toast to two
single dads doing their best.

I'm not a single dad.

Well, this will just be
a toast to me, then.

Ooh, whoa,
are you okay?

Be careful.

I love you.

I'm great!

When I'm happy,
I make holes.

And when I'm sad,
I buy a hockey team.

They cost like nothing, man.

And I made $80 million today.

Bam-bam-bam!

You try.
Whoo-hoo!

Bam!

Did I make $80 million?

No, but you made a fool of
the doctor who said you'd die.

Well, he still might!

Not today.

Wow, Mike's daughter
seems really great.

Yeah, but it was weird.

First she was nice to me,

but then when the band came,
she wouldn't let me say a word.

Uh, listen, sweetie.

Let me tell you
a fact of life.

The world is full of wonderful,
priceless experiences,

and I can't give
you any of them.

But this girl can.

So it doesn't matter
if she talks to you,

looks at you

or is disrespectful
to your father.

She is your best friend.

Mm, I don't know.

Huh, Harper just invited us
to go see David Copperfield.

Oh, my God!

That's something only
tourists in Vegas get to do!

Did you ever sit
in the back of anything?

Just the space shuttle, man.

My one regret is
I was too drunk to drive.

Oh-oh, oh-oh, bam!

Bam on that one.

Okay, ladies, would
each of you tell me

your favorite TV
show and dessert.

Certainly, my favorites are
The Happy Little Elves...

Krusty
and cotton candy.

I was gonna say
what my...

Sorry, that's too long
without me talking.

So what do I do now?!

Don't worry.
Harper?

What's your favorite
starving wild animal?

Crocodile?

What's the trick here?!

I'm so happy.

Marge, do you know
what it's like

to have a man take care
of your every need?

I've thought about it a lot,
but no.

How come you're so quiet?

Did he switch your brain
with a rabbit's?

'Cause that means somewhere
there is one annoying rabbit.

Shut up.

I just keep thinking about
the way Harper cut me off.

It's kind of weird.

Yeah, that was
kind of weird.

I'd have said
something for sure,

but my mouth was full
of truffle popcorn.

Mike just invited our family

to spend next week
on their private island!

Wow, a whole week.

Too bad the kids
have school.

Marge, please.

Lisa's not gonna fall behind

and Bart's not gonna catch up.

We do not want
our kids spoiled.

Yeah, okay.

Maybe this is where
this thing should stop.

Hello?

This is Principal
Seymour Skinner.

We're calling parents,
starting with you,

to let them know that school
has been canceled next week.

Hmm, did that rich dad
buy you off?

Seymour Skinner is not for sale.

The bread is in the oven.

Lisa, Lisa, wait!

I'm so glad you guys
are coming with us.

So...

I got you a friendship present.

A new bike?

Uh, that's so nice of you.

35 gears,
Tiffany crystal bell.

And the latest
anti-theft device.

You're not Lisa Simpson.

Okay, what's the story?

This we show up for.

Harper, this bike is wonderful.

Too wonderful.

It just wouldn't be right
for me to accept it.

You'd rather have
your crappy bike?

Look, Harper, this may be
crappy, but it's my bike.

My dad assembled it
on Christmas day.

Which is why I have to pedal
backwards to go forwards.

But still, I love this!

Uh, I didn't realize
getting you the best bike

you ever saw
would make you so mad.

I'm not mad,
I just think this is...

Just what?

Don't appreciate
what I did for you?

Why do you always
interrupt me like that?

That's not how friends...
Uh, I think I know how friends are.

How would you like it if I
interrupted you all the time?

I could've been friends
with anybody--

Janey, Sherri, Terri,
You wouldn't like it all, would you?

Hubert Wong, Wendy Wang.
No, you wouldn't.

Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt, interrupt!
That girl with freckles

only on one side of her face.

Could you please,
just for once, not interrupt me?!

Whoa, sweet bike.

You can have it!

Even sweeter.

As soon as I put some
training wheels on this,

I'll be the coolest kid ever.

Oh! Too fast!

You can put that stuff away,
'cause the trip is off.

Well, where are we going
with Harper?

Nowhere, 'cause we're
not friends anymore.

D'oh!

♪ ♪

You owe me
a Caribbean vacation, Lisa!

St. Croix or better.

Lisa, sweetie,
I just want to understand.

You got in a fight with her

because she tried
to give you a new bike?!

But she was so
condescending!

Yeah, she was "kinda sending"
you a new bike.

Can you all please
get out of my room?

♪ ♪

Let's not let our little girls'

not liking each other

stand in the way of
their being friends.

Come to the island, man.

We have everything there,

except for trunks
your size-- ha!

You still want us to come?

Oh, kids fight
all the time.

They're not in control
of themselves like we are.

Damn, that is
a beautiful sunset!

Damn! Damn! Aah!

Whew, now we'll meet
you on the island

and the only problem will
be the sand in our whatevers.

Sweetie, we really
appreciate this.

And your brother,
well, he's...

Where is your brother?

Hey, a whale.

Oh, it's Homer.

Oh, I'll show you!

Hey, sharks,
here's some chum!

Welcome to Jambowski Island.

Formerly Haiti.

I'm really glad
you came, Lisa.

Thanks for having us.

Now, Homer, I got you
a special surprise.

A beach lift chair!

The laziest thing there is.

Aw.

♪ ♪

Suckers!

♪ Underneath the mango tree ♪

♪ Me honey and me
can watch for the moon ♪

♪ Underneath the mango tree ♪

♪ Me honey and me
make boolooloop soon. ♪

Harper flipped a sea
turtle on its back!

My beach,
my turtle!

Why is everything
yours?!

Oh, why do you kids have
to argue all the time?

'Cause she wants things
her way

instead of the right way.

Homer, help me out here.

No, no, with the girls.

Just tell your kid to let
my kid have her way this time.

And every other time.

Dad...

I think you have a
choice to make here.

It's time I stood up
for myself.

Harper, I know I shouldn't say
this on your private island,

but you're kind of spoiled.

That's right.

You don't deserve Lisa.

There's nothing I
love more than her.

She's the sun, the moon
and the other thing to me.

Thank you.

And we don't have to
be on the same island

with people who push
my little girl around.

Let's go, Marge.

Now? I just got up.

Now, please!

If you leave this island,

you're not taking the yacht.

Oh, no.

You're taking a limo
to the private jet,

which is flying you
straight home.

Then so be it.
Hmph.

I know how you feel, buddy.

Oh, I better sit down.
Where can I sit?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Dad, what you said
was really nice.

And believe me, we're much
better off, off that island.

I know.

Good-bye, crystal-clear lagoon.

Good riddance, pink sand beach.

Good-bye, swim-up movie theater

that was going to show
Back to the Future.

Good-bye, sweet liquors

that didn't let Marge
know I was drunk.

Good-bye, snorkeling

and Jet-Skiing

and other things I never tried.

Good-bye, obese natives

that made me feel fit.

Good-bye, Bart. Bart?!

Shh!