The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 7 - Lisa with an "S" - full transcript

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

♪ ♪

♪ The Simpsons 27x07 ♪
Lisa With an 'S'
Original Air Date on November 22, 20

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

HOMER:
D'oh!

♪ ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ I'll win at cards tonight ♪

♪ My flushes will be ♪



♪ Straight tonight ♪

♪ Lenny's gonna
dominate tonight ♪

♪ Carl's gonna be
a little late tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ I'll cheat them all tonight ♪

♪ When they're drunk ♪

♪ They don't play cards
quite right ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ I won't get
drunk tonight ♪

♪ Without a beer,
my head will clear ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ It's fun to trick a rummy ♪

♪ To put liquor in his tummy ♪

♪ Your friendship's
a delight ♪



♪ And you may
lose your sight ♪

ALL:
♪ Tonight ♪

(burps)

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Band camp calls tonight ♪

♪ My demo goes online ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ My dreams come true tonight ♪

♪ Deposit's due tonight ♪
♪ I'll take the pot tonight ♪

♪ I'll eat fondue tonight ♪
♪ I'll spike your brew tonight ♪

ALL:
♪ Tonight! ♪

Moe, what the
hell is that?!

Sorry. I missed
rehearsal.

Damn it.

Marge, I'm heading out!
Poker night!

I don't want you losing
all our scrimpings!

Don't worry, Marge.

The real excitement for me
is staying within a budget.

(snickers)

This is just
a friendly game, right?

Oh, super friendly.

Suckers.

Dad, Dad, Dad.

I need two things: a
good-night hug and a favor.

Mm.
To save time,

I'll start
describing the favor.

I've just been accepted
to the best band camp

this side of
the Mississippi!

Which side are we again?

Doesn't matter!
It's a great camp.

Notable graduates include
Pete Barbutti.

Pete Barbutti?!

Yes! Anyway, it's
a little pricey.

So, if you win
big tonight,

maybe you could help make
a little girl really happy.

Don't worry, sweetie,
I'm gonna win.

And you know why?

I'm wearing my lucky T-shirt.

(sighs)
It was such a shame

he lost to
President Garfield.

Oh, I'll fix this.

There.

(hums a tune)

The maestro is here.

(screams, crashes)

Hey, who's the lady?

What, are you kidding?

This is Laney Fontaine,
Broadway legend.

She starred
opposite Al Pacino

in Does a Tiger
Wear A Necktie?

Ooh!

Now I date Moe.

He's got everything
I look for in a man:

a current
liquor license.

(chuckles)
Well, it and you

are the two most precious
wrinkled yellow things I know.

♪ ♪

WOMAN (over headphones):
Three of a kind beats two pair.

Straight beats three of a kind.

Three beats two.

Four beats three.

HOMER:
Oh, my God.

Full house.

We're gonna win! That means
Lisa goes to band camp.

As long as Homer
doesn't let them know

how good his hand is.

Then he'll blow the whole
damn thing to hell!

That would
be terrible.

Worst jammed-in
movie parody ever.

Come on, Homer. Poker face.

Aah! Stupid git!

I raise, no calls,
pot goes to me.

Hold on, Fat Folds Five.

(stammers)

I see your raise,
and I raise this.

Is that real?

Won it for cinematography.

Invented a new kind of Steadicam
that's mounted on a dog.

That's five grand to you.

So, are you in, or are you...

(groans)

While I'm out, no one
look at my cards or my boobs.

(groans)

Aw. Don't she black out
like an angel?

Queens beat jacks.

No one heard
that. I'm in.

(hums a tune)

Okay, Homer.
Moment of truth.

Oh, four of a kind!
Hey, honey, you won!

Huh?

I lost.

I lost everything.

We're gonna
celebrate, Moe.

What's Springfield's
version of Sardi's?

Uh, Hardee's.

I know a nice booth
under a picture of a hamburger.

Aw, come on, Homer.
I'll drive you home.

(imitates engine revving)

Hey, off we go!

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

(imitates engine chugging)

(door closes)

WOMAN: You've completed
Poker: A Beginner's Guide.

Now go out there and win.

I bid two bucks.

(floor creaking softly)

(belt cracks)
(gasps) What was that?

Those aren't the tiptoes
of a successful gambler.

How much did you lose?

$5,000.

(high-pitched chirping)

Whoa, I never heard that noise.

(sobbing)

(Marge continues sobbing)

I'm just sayin',
doesn't look like

band camp is
in the cards.

(playing jazz music)

Hey, this is
my thing now.

So easy.

Guys, I help with a plan.

Hey, what about
a reverse mortgage?

I saw a commercial for one where
an old lady gave a thumbs-up

and it turned into money,
which filled up the screen.

The entire screen?

Swear to God.

Hey, Homer, here's a thought:
invite Laney over for dinner.

Show her your crummy home,
your unhappy kids.

Anyone with a heart
would take pity.

Finally, my sucky life pays off.

Do you guys
think she'll buy it?

Oh, yeah. Your whole house,
uh, it smells like a basement.

I've always
hated your rugs.

Yeah... Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why you have to go there, man?

He has such
beautiful floors.

Why must he
hide them? Why?

LANEY:
There I am,

on the main stage at Caesar's,

about to sing
"Do You Love Me,"

when who do I see
sitting in the wings?

Your boyfriend King Tut?

No. Jack Jones.

High on his success from
"Wives and Lovers"

with eyes for yours truly.

But you'd just accepted
a proposal from Mike Connors.

Which I broke off.

Let's just say
Mannix was the one man

I had to nix.

(laughs):
Oh!

Oh, that's rich!

Oh, my God.

That's going in your book.

Please tell me
you're writing a book.

(choking)

(grunts)
Sit down, boy.

We're trying
to show this dame

that we're deserving
of her pity.

Where's that crutch I gave you?

There's nothing wrong
with my leg.

There will be.

D'oh!

Ow! Ow, my leg!

(sobbing):
Oh! Oh, my leg.

Oh!

Who would take $5,000
from such a miserable creature?

(sobbing)

Laney, I know
it's your night off,

but would you like to
sing a song for us?

You don't have to ask me twice.

♪ I'm just a
Broadway lady ♪

♪ Dancing on my aching feet ♪

♪ Avoiding any foods
with wheat ♪

♪ And no drinking pre-show ♪

It's okay if the
producer don't

♪ Know. ♪

(playing jazz music)

Wow. You know your way
around a horn, kid.

Oh, listen,
I don't want to gush,

but I have all your albums.

Laney Sings The Blues,

Electric Laney Land,

Laney Butchers The Beatles.

Ooh, and my favorite,

Rehab Yourself
A Merry Little Christmas.

I'll tell you
what, Marge.

I'll wipe the slate
clean on one condition.

I want you to
give Lisa to me.

(grumbles)

Uh, for a month or so.

I see.

Get out. I never
want to see you again.

Let me explain.

Listen, lady,
you can't take a daughter

from a mother
unless you're a bigger star

and this is
a third-world country.

Marge,

I know this sounds nuts, but
I never had the joy you have.

A child to hug me
at the end of the day

or-or a chance
to pass along what I know.

I'm going out on tour, and she's
got all the makings of a star:

talent, smarts and
a star-shaped head.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Here's your coat.

Mom, Mom.

Mom, please. You were gonna let
me go to band camp for a month,

where people break curfew
and exchange reeds.

But this? This is the
opportunity to live my dream.

Come on, how many chances
in life do you get for that?

GRAMPA:
None!

I've been here,
I've just been quiet.

♪ ♪

(sighs)
I guess I can't deny you this.

All right.
(gasps)

Oh, thanks, Mom!

And, Mom, if you have any doubts
how a showbiz kid will turn out,

just look at
all of them!

(groans)

(tires screech)

Mom, I appreciate this
so much.

You'll be the first person
I thank at the Tonys

after the great Angela Lansbury.

Bye.

(smoke hisses)

(tires screech)

(tires screech)

Good night, kid.

Would you read to me
before I go to bed?

Anne of Green Gables?

I did the
audiobook on this.

If chapter ten sounds
like it was Peter Falk,

it's because it was.

So I guess you don't want
to read it again.

How 'bout I give you
some showbiz advice?

Every piece of advice
someone gives you

will turn out to be wrong.

Particularly wrong are people
like me who seem knowledgeable.

Aw, she's already out.

(phone rings)

MOE: You watching Channel Six
right now?

Hurry up! Hurry up! Aw!

Nah, too late.
The cops cleaned it up.

(piano playing)

Chazz Busby.
My director.

The man who's ruined more
productions than flu season.

Laney! My star, my muse,

my God, what have you
done to your face?

(Laney and Chazz laugh)

Who's the lampshade?

This is Lisa Simpson,

the sax prodigy who's gonna
blow life into my act.

Show him, kid.

(plays three notes)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! I wanted an audition,

not a recital.
You're in, kid.

I made it in Hartford.

MARGE:
Are you sure

you set it up right?
Yes!

Then why aren't
we Skyping?

I don't know.
Maybe Lisa's drugged-out.

My daughter is not drugged-out.

Maybe she's just sleeping late
after partying at discotheques.

How do you know about
all-night discotheques?

We have Disco Stu
in this town, Mom.

He's a resource.
Use him.

(Skype ringtone plays)

How are you,
sweetie?

(gravelly):
I'm good, I'm good.

What happened to your voice?

I don't know.

Late rehearsals,
cheap root beer.

(coughing)

(normal voice): But I'm great!
We're heading to New York!

(blows)

Who's watching you?

Sonny and Stix.

(playing jazz music)

Do I hear syncopation?

Lisa, Lisa, I was thinking
maybe you could

come home a little early and...

I'm sorry. I got to go.
Our take five is over,

and jazz is all about
following the rules, you know.

Come on, guys.
Don't I get a puff?

(gasps)

I really have
the munchies.

(crunching)

Bye!

We've got to
get her back.

Pack your things. We're
heading for New York.

We should get a place there.
We go so often.

I can't believe
I'm gonna be performing here.

(dramatic music playing)

I already got my ticket!

LISA (nervously):
Ah, so many seats.

(car sputtering)
Damn it!

Lousy electric car.

Dad, just 'cause it got
hit by lightning that time

doesn't make it
electric.

Shut up, boy.

How may I help thee,
friends?

Our car... broketh down.

(gasps) Springfield
Englisher accent?

You must know my ultra-liberal
cousin Ned Flanders.

Oh, he's brought such shame
to our family

with his lip hair
and two marriages.

And do you know
he's left-handed?

(wheels creaking)

Um, can I please
use the, uh,

little bearded
boys' room?

(horse neighs)

♪ ♪

(humming)

How deep
did thou diggest?

30 hands.

With God's grace,
it will be enough.

♪ Don't know why ♪

♪ There's no sun up ♪

♪ In the... ♪

♪ In the... in the... ♪

How about "in the sky"?!

The sky!

You ought to
know, sweetheart.

You were there when
God created it.

Eh, go shave a coconut.

(gasping)

I turned down Transformers
on Broadway for this?

I was a Megatron-sized fool!

Kristen Chenoweth was set
to play Sam Witwicky's mother.

This is how mad I am!
Fade to black!

You can't be serious!

I said fade!

Everyone, meet me back here
in however long it takes

to wake up
from five Valium.

On the dot!

(horns honking)

Hey, man, how'd
you get that seat?

They thought
I was pregnant.

(indistinct chatter)

It's showtime, Laney.
Time to see if there's still

a spark left in that smoldering
Duraflame log you call a career.

Hey, Laney.

Moe, I need you.

To make me feel confident,
strong and beautiful.

Boy, I'm not real good at
boosting self-esteem there.

But, uh, if you make a
mistake, I can fire my gun.

And that's what the critics
will be yappin' about tomorrow.

(chuckles)

That's not
encouragement!

Those are
your lyrics!

(applause, piano playing)
♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ A dream about you, baby ♪

♪ It's gonna come true, baby ♪

♪ They think
that we're through ♪

♪ But, baby... ♪

♪ You'll be swell ♪

♪ You'll be great ♪

♪ Gonna have the whole world
on a... ♪

♪ On a... ♪

Plate!

(crowd cheering)

Cheering for someone
getting a word right.

That is a low bar.

(panting)

Four tickets, please.

I'm sorry, ma'am.
The show is sold out

for reasons
that elude me.

My daughter's in there.

Eh, we all got
our problems.

I'm a ticket seller
for a dying art form.

Hey, uh, you're a
union man, right?

Brother?

Why didn't you say so?

I have no choice now
but to be corrupt.

In you go.

LANEY:
♪ Everything's gonna be ♪

♪ Bright lights and lollipops ♪

(playing jazz solo)

(crowd cheering)

Come on, let's
sneak her out.

Under the guise of soliciting
for Broadway Cares.

(coins jingling)

Wait. Wait, Homer.

Look at our little girl.

She's got chops.

Honest-to-goodness chops.

Yeah. Letting our daughter
go on the road

with an 80-year-old diva
and some sketchy jazz guys

was the best decision
we ever made.

♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪

♪ For me and for you! ♪

(crowd cheering)

(whoops)

Mom, that was the greatest
night of my life!

MILHOUSE:
Hey!

When does the
show start?

It did, and it was wonderful.

Eh, she's been bitten
by the showbiz bug.

And when that happens,
only working with Bruce Willis

can extinguish it.

(giggles)

(sighs) Okay. Just
finish out the tour.

We'll see you
in Pittsfield.

No way!

Pittsfield ain't happening
for this little scene stealer.

I love you, Lisa, but you got
a bigger ovation than me.

So we can never share
the same stage again.

What? How can you say that?

Showbiz lesson
number seven:

just when things
are going great,

they pull the rug out
from under you.

Bad news, Laney.
We're shutting down.

Never cleared the rights to
"Everything's Coming Up Roses."

See what I mean?

Also, we're gonna need
that rug.

(grunts)
(shouts)

(sniffles)

Mom, suddenly
I really want to go home.

Oh. Mm.

If you go, let me give you
one huge piece of advice:

take the Eighth Avenue side,

then catch a cab
and circle back.

And away... I... go!

(scatting)
Pow!

Well, Laney, youse, uh...
you still got me.

♪ ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

♪ ♪

See how gaudy his house is?

A brass doorknocker?

Who lives here, Caligula?

'Tis troubling.

Cousin Jacob! All the way
from Pennsyl-diddly-vania!

I see thou art still using
the Devil's "diddly."

Well, I must confess,
I-I do over-diddly.

And I see your house is lit
by Edison's witch lights.

(chuckles)
Who's holier than thou now, Ned?

Homer, you've shown me that
I'm guilty of the sin of pride,

and that just makes me
love you more.

Oh, God,
I'm stuck in a Flandwich.

With side orders
of love and forgiveness!

D'oh!

Shh!