The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror XXVI - full transcript

BART:
Trick-or-treat!

♪ On this filthy night of evil

♪ Little gaudy beggars stroll

♪ As they lure ghouls,
ghosts and goblins ♪

♪ Hungry for
their innocent souls ♪

♪ There is a hellish breeze
a-groanin' ♪

♪ As the children they pursue
(witch cackling)

♪ You can hear
their bellies moanin' ♪

♪ They might even gnaw on you

♪ But ruler
of this sordid host ♪

♪ More ghastly than them all



♪ Lurks a ravenous
beastly monster ♪

♪ More than 25 feet tall

(screaming)

♪ He's dirty and he's hairy

♪ And his mouth tastes
just like crap ♪

♪ Like you,
he's trick-or-treating for ♪

♪ Some candies to unwrap

♪ The Lord abhors
your foul disguise ♪

♪ You thought
to cloak your skin ♪

♪ But now you've lured
this fiend from hell ♪

♪ Who craves your soul within

♪ He's hungry for your vitals ♪

♪ He likes you moist and ripe ♪

♪ And should he find you
spiced with sin ♪



♪ Then you're
his favorite type ♪

♪ He'll chew
your juicy insides ♪

♪ Masticate you
till you're pulp ♪

♪ Every little soul
he'll swallow ♪

♪ With a stinky-ass gulp.

Ow!

♪

(laughs)

There's no such thing as ghosts,
you dumb kids!

(gasps)

(bellowing)

(screaming)

And now it's time
for the cartoon.

STUDENTS:
13!

14!

(retching)

We have a winner!

14 spins, and Wendell threw up!

I didn't throw up, I held it in.

(retches)

No winner!

House keeps the money!

(phone chimes)

Oh, man, I got to see this.

(groans)

(violin playing sad song)

Huh.

Mr. Largo?

Hmm, something's wrong.

That music is in tune.

Hello, Bart.

(screams) Sideshow Bob!

'Twas I who texted you!

Using Milhouse's phone.

Did you know his wallpaper
is American Girl doll?

Now let me put this in terms
any young boy would understand:

you and I have danced
a grand pas de deux

worthy of Nijinsky.

But this is the final plié!

Yawn. You couldn't kill me
with that thing

if I drew an "X" on my forehead.

♪ Bob and his spear gun

♪ Sittin' in a tree

♪ S-U-C-K-I-N...

(chuckles) Nice try, Bob,

but I'm sure you made
some stupid...

(weakly): mistake.

Not this time.

Tell my father...

he's fat.

The deed is done.

24 years of trying
to kill a ten-year-old child

have finally paid off.

(opera music playing)

♪ I did it, I did it, I did it

♪ I killed Bart dead

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Lots of blood

♪ I did what could not be done

♪ To Bugs Bunny by Elmer Fudd.

(chuckles): Fortunately,
it's after school hours.

Good-bye!

(tires screeching)

(whistling)

A votre santé!

You wouldn't know,
but that means "to your health,"

of which you have none!

(laughs)

(doorbell ringing)

(groans)

(theme song playing over TV)

♪ They fight and fight

♪ They fight and fight
and fight ♪

♪ Fight-fight-fight,
fight-fight-fight... ♪

(growling)

Bart's father!

Bart's dog!

Where's Bart?

I don't know
who you're talking about.

This Bart!

Well, I suppose
that does look damning,

but have you seen this?

Ooh! Ah.

He's cool.

Let's move on to
the next suspect.

(screams)

Well, I'd better check it out.

(sighs)

Not to complain,
but your stomach acids

are smoothing the dimples
off my balls.

It's time I moved
to my post-Bartum phase.

I've accepted
an Associate Professorship

at Springfield University.

(chuckles)

(deflated wheezing)

(groans)

"I should have been
a pair of ragged claws,

scuttling across the floors
of silent seas."

What do Eliot's
ragged claws represent?

Yeah, um...

this Web site says
the claws aren't a metaphor,

but, like,
an insight to a state of mind.

Crushed it!

What Web site?
Forward the link.

Text me.
Tweet the link.

Where is it?

I didn't think
the author of Cats

could be insulted further.

Class dismissed.

(groaning)

Rubbish!

Drivel!

What is this Game of Thrones

they're referencing?

I was a fool to think
I'd find solace

amongst these moronic,
Snapchatting, gap-yearing...

Hello, Bart.

It seems the only thing
that made me happy

in my accursed life
was killing you.

Well, if White Zinfandel
can make a comeback,

so can you.

(chuckles):
Ooh.

Those bastards
know how to party!

(chuckles)

I feel like
a bad New Yorker cartoon.

(angry shouting)

And now, Bart, let's
bring the old "spark"

back to our special
relationship.

You couldn't kill me

if I came in with pneumonia
and a knife in my back.

(groaning)

I didn't care for the "thwock"
the sledgehammer made.

No worries,
I'll just kill him again.

That's why
I'm the un-killable kid.

(screams) Still not dead.

(groans) Psych!

(groaning)

Ay, caramba!

We're both going
to be sore tomorrow.

(laughs)

♪ Accidents will happen,
they only hit and run ♪

♪ You used to be a victim,
now you're not the only one ♪

♪ Accidents will happen

♪ They only hit and run

♪ I don't want to hear it

♪ 'Cause I know
what I've done. ♪

How much power
is this thing using?

♪ There's so many fish
in the sea ♪

♪ That only rise up in the sweat
and smoke of mercury ♪

♪ But they keep you hangin' on

♪ They say you're so young...

(Santa's Little Helper barking)

What is it, boy?

What have you found?

(gasps) I knew it was Bob!

Even when they tried
and executed Jailbird,

I knew it was Bob.

Reanimate?

This animation looks
good enough to me.

Homer, pull the lever!

(groans) I've been
pulling levers all day.

Now!

Wow, for once,
I was sober at Bart's birth.

Yes, that's right, Officer.

There are intruders
in my basement.

Have I the right to shoot?

Oh, yeah.

And you can wear blue jeans
to a Broadway show.

Everything's different now.

(phone beeps)

(groans)

Wait, Dad!

(grunting, groaning)

That's for trying
to frame Krusty!

What about all the times
he tried to kill me?!

Eh.

As the one who suffered
the most, Mom,

may I have custody
of Bob's body?

Normally I'd say no,

but you have been showing
responsibility

with the dog lately.

So, fine.

(humming)

(cackles)

SIDESHOW BOB:
"By Sea-Girls wreathed
with seaweed red and brown,

"till human voices wake us

and we drown."

Any questions?

Yes. What are you
supposed to be again?

A full professor!

But the tenure committee
is excruciatingly slow.

(groaning)

(squawks)

♪

Hmm.

(humming)

Look at that foolish old man.

Every day, he drops a perfectly
good donut into the ocean.

Let us mock him
for his foolish beliefs!

Yes! Yes!

Let us show disrespect

with poorly-dubbed laughter.

(delayed laughter)

Children,
go with your grandfather.

Can't we go with
dead Grandfather?

He cannot leave.

He is the spirit
of my tea kettle.

Lucky me.

(whistling)

Grampa, everyone in town
thinks you are foolish.

Who is more foolish,

the fool or the fool who
thinks the fool a fool?

What the hell
does that mean, Grampa-san?

For centuries, our family
has made a daily offering

of a special donut
to a slumbering

underwater sea creature,

so that he does not rise
and destroy us all.

(both laughing)

He is foolish!

So foolish!
(laughs)

Doesn't mean
you are not special.

(groans)

(humming a tune)

(gasps)

(gurgling)

(shouts)

Now I have all eternity
to talk to you.

Oh.

Now we will
no longer have anyone

uselessly floating donuts
in the ocean.

They have made
our fish fat and ugly.

Pathetic.

(roaring)

(distant roaring)

All right, calm down, children.

Probably just excitement
over the cherry blossoms.

Of course, the cherry blossoms!

They're so beautiful, and yet...

(roaring)

(people screaming)

I still refuse to admit
the old man was right!

Legitimate
difference of opinion.

Professor,
how do we stop him?

Fear not!

Without the
buoyancy of water,

it is physically impossible
for any creature that large

not to collapse under
its own weight.

It's a simple matter of--

gloy!

D'oh!

Jo!

(tires screech)

Scared by the monster?

What monster?

(roaring)

♪ Yellow ribbon 'round...

Huh? (screams)

(grunts)

(screams)

(roaring)

Why do you have to stomp
on our buildings?

This land is 98% rural.

So much farmland you can walk on
without hurting your feet.

(roaring)

Right, right.

The city's
the only place you can get

tuna rolls at 5:00
in the morning.

Because you do have
fishy breath.

I'm just telling you.

(roaring)

(grunts)

Ah, thank you.

(roars)

So, the key to this movie is
it's so cheap it's funny.

Then just think how
popular it would be

if we spent a fortune
remaking it.

We'll make millions!

After spending
hundreds of millions!

(all clamoring in agreement)

We're here live
at the premiere of 'Zilla!

And this time, the stars
have come out at night!

Lurleen Lumpkin,
Drederick Tatum,

and my ex-husband,
the Grumple.

(both groaning)

As a tie-in to this movie,

Krustyburgers will be made
from only reptile meat.

And don't worry, PETA,
we only buy the sick ones!

(roaring)

(gasps)

(roaring)

Buzz Cola!

(roaring)

We can't stop him.

We can't!

All we can do
is avoid him easily!

(crying)

He's 2,000 miles away,

moving at two miles a day!

What do I do? What do I do?!

(both roaring)

It's a total bomb.

We only sold one ticket.

Oh, I didn't buy
my ticket for this.

I just wanted to get a good seat
for the next Star Wars.

Which will stink
to high heaven.

There's only one thing
we can do.

Dump everything at sea

and say we lost it
for insurance purposes.

Aw, yeah, that's
moviemaking, Steve.

That's why we all
report to you.

Toss them overboard,
then kill the navigator.

(roaring)

(Homerzilla roaring)

LISA:
I see a Yellow Monarch,

a Woodland Skipper.

I see...
(both grunting, laughing)

You know, we have
been hiking for hours

and you two haven't spotted
a single butterfly.

I thought we were
hunting owls.

Well, you haven't
done that, either!

Uh-huh!
(Lisa screams)

(groaning)

(screams)

MILHOUSE: Don't worry,
the hole isn't very deep.

Oh, wait, I'm on a ledge.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(thud)

Oh, God, everything
is moist and moving!

LISA:
Bart?

What? I'm going home.

to my toy chest,
to get my barrel of monkeys,

to lower them down.

At least I'm pitching.

We got to save him!

Fine, but you'll follow me
with the camera, right?

'Cause the important thing
these days

is everything must be on film.

(grunts)

Okay, guys.

My cell phone is somewhere
in that pulsing ooze.

Now each grab one ankle
while I dive in.

We have to be careful, Milhouse.

There's no telling
what that stu...

Bart, what are you doing?!

Madam, how do you do?

You don't know what that
stuff is doing to you!

Oh, it's just the same junk
Dad brings us home from work.

To us Simpsons, this
green goop is mother's...

(gasps)
Where are my owls?

(grunting)

Oh, man, am I looking
at a nosebleed.

(gasps) Somehow,
the radioactive explosion

gave us the power to move things
with our intellect.

Flowers for the lady?

(gasps, laughs)

Bart, what powers did
your brain give you?

Look, you're talking
to the guy that got demoted

from the Tadpoles
reading group, okay?

Do not make me pity fly.

Dignity restored.

You know, we can't
tell anyone about this.

There are going to be
lab tests and scientists...

Do we get to wear
those paper gowns?

BART:
Ow!

It's a dress that
boys can wear.

♪

Wedgie!

This is not
a proportional punishment...!

(grunts)

Hmm, somebody
misspelled "wiener."

♪

(gasps)
Lisa Simpson!

The Musicians Union
does not allow this!

You know this is
an ASCAP household.

God gave you this
power for good,

not jazz, and...
(rumbling)

The 'House always wins!

I even got my parents
back together.

Even now I don't
feel close to you.

(groans)

Ah, finally I can
diaper all my children.

Yo, hands up.
(groans)

Hmm. Milhouse has
gone mad with power.

Frankly, I thought
it wouldn't take this long.

Everything's coming
up Milhouse!

Nicely done, Lis.

I didn't do it.

Then I want to
know who did!

But not that badly.

(giggles, coos)

("Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Star" playing)

Excuse me, uh,
Ou est le Eiffel Tower?

I appreciate that you are
trying to learn our language.

(yawns)

Once again, we just
have a cameo.

Don't complain or they'll put us
in four by three.

Oh, they're doing it! No!

Just 'cause it looks
like season four

doesn't make it
season four!

(Homerzilla roaring)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH