The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 3 - Puffless - full transcript

You're watching The Simpsons.
You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays and check out our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(cackles)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(all groan)
ANNOUNCER: Nocturnal cravings.
A positive ultrasound.
How could this woman's doctor not know she was pregnant?
(gasps) A baby.
An astronaut baby.
(baby laughs)
Hey. Oh, have you ever turned on a TV?
It's my mother's birthday.
And you only turn 80 once.
Or, in the case of most people, no times.
Now, put your good clothes on.
I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm eight years old.
Can't we go to her 81st birthday?
That's the big one.
Why does visiting my family always have to be so hard?
Because, face it, Marge, your family doesn't like me.
Never did, not even when I had hair and a future
and a bitchin' Pontiac GTO.
Where is that car, Homer?
I went to a music festival,
and I couldn't remember where I parked it.
(playing weakly): ♪ I'm a space cowboy.
Homie, I feel about my family like you felt about that car.
No one loves a person that much.
Please go, for me?
All right, but remember the signal.
If I tug my ear, it's time for us to leave.
I'm switching to my left ear
because of what happened last time.
Uh-uh, no you don't.
Your grandmother knit this for you,
so act like you wear it all the time.
(groans)
She has a juice box.
Why can't I have a juice box?
Because when she sticks in the straw,
she doesn't slip and hit an artery.
Oh, I'll never have juice.
ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear...
♪ Mom ♪ Grandma
♪ All of the above
ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you.
Thank you.
Jacqueline, I took the money I usually give
to con artists and preachers and bought you these flowers.
Oh, nothing tops a simple romantic gesture.
Except a rich man flaunting his wealth.
The one thing I can't beat-- competition.
(knee pops loudly)
Oh, Jacqueline, I fell in love with you
the moment I came down with dementia.
So to win your heart, I got you an old-fashioned music player.
Meh. (groaning)
Mr. Yo-Yo Ma.
(gasps)
No one said there'd be music.
There's always room for cello.
(plays Cello Suite No. 1 by Bach)
I know when I'm licked, Burns.
She's yours.
Um, not interested.
I just don't want you to have her.
Wow, that's the meanest thing I ever heard,
and I used to practice cello on the subway.
D'oh! I'm next!
Whee!
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
Hey, you two, quit having fun.
Trust me, nothing I've done today has been fun.
Hey, hey, the plastic's here for a reason--
to keep the couch clean.
Watch and learn, boy.
Voilà, now I take a simple napkin and...
(screams)
(all groan)
Who's ready to see some slides of us as teenagers?
(groaning)
Here are the slides.
Oh, just one box.
Five terabytes.
That's over 50,000 carousels of family fun.
(groans loudly)
Here's us walking up the steps
of Teotihuacán's pyramid of the sun.
Walking, walking, stopping, walking.
Walking, walking, walking. (groans) Ooh.
Hmm. Stopping, stopping.
Oh. Walking, walking,
walking, walking, blister-popping.
Huh? Walking, walking.
(groans)
Stopping, walking, walking...
Oh, I sure miss Dad.
We're here to watch old photos, not reminisce.
Walking, walking...
How did Grampa Bouvier die?
No one's ever told us.
You know what, I actually don't know.
Me neither. Not a clue.
Girls, I'm afraid I didn't tell any of you for a reason.
(gasping)
(plays dramatic tune)
The real story,
and it was something people were ashamed to say at the time,
is that he died of lung cancer.
Mom, how could you know that and still let us smoke?
I thought it made you look cool.
Hey, Lis, do you think I can climb walls like Spider-Man
with denture cream on my hands?
(screams) Nope.
Next time, you should wait for my answer.
Knock it off! Your grandmother's bathroom is not a toy chest.
Ooh, Vicodin.
I think it's time, Selma dear.
Time we quit smoking.
Well, anyway, happy birthday.
(meows)
Man, I can't believe your sisters stopped smoking.
I just hope they don't put on weight.
Hmm.
You're so fat!
(laughs)
You're even fatter.
Damn straight!
No one out-fats me.
Time for beddy-bye.
Now, don't sleep on your stomach.
Or is it your back?
Can never remember.
Whichever is the comfortable one, don't do that.
(tapping)
♪
(chatters)
(hoots)
(hisses)
(imitating Duffman): Say hello to fun!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Hoppy!
In this house, Maggie is safe.
(Maggie babbles playfully)
(groans)
Excuse me, I'd like a license to operate heavy machinery.
We don't do that here.
Please? To me, everything is heavy.
(grunting): No. (groans)
Patty, what are you doing?
Selma quit smoking, and she's never been nicer.
Here's your new license.
Under "eyes," I put "red and dilated."
Ooh, thank you, sir.
Selma, not smoking hasn't affected you at all.
How is that possible?
I even smell cigarette smoke when it's not around.
(sniffs)
Like right now.
Maybe you're having a stroke.
Phantom smells are a symptom.
Eh, what's the penalty for driving a tractor drunk
through a Renaissance Faire?
Can't help you-- I might be having a stroke.
I have to consult a competent medical professional.
Got that.
Got that. (groans)
Who doesn't have that?
(groans)
Anyone here to get an ambulance license?
That would be me.
Here you go.
I lied.
(growls)
Patty, all your tests are positive.
I mean, negative.
Always get those two confused.
You're fine. (chuckles)
But I still smell smoke.
(sniffs) That's odd.
So do I.
Do you smell anything, Selma?
Hmm, uh-uh, nope.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking?
That's right, I am.
I quit for only ten minutes before I relapsed.
And it was the best cigarette of my life.
(scoffs) I have never been angrier at you.
Me, too-- this is a hospital.
If you want to smoke,
go do it in the stairwell with the doctors.
I'll miss you so much.
Leave me Jub-Jub.
Fine.
At least you still smoke.
I hate it when you and Selma fight.
Me, too. I also hate it when they agree.
Homer, please be nice.
Patty's our guest.
For how long?
Where's she gonna sleep?
On our couch.
That's where we do our couch gags!
See?
Oh, fine.
She'll stay with the baby.
Well, Magster, it looks like
you and I are going to be cellmates. (chuckles)
(buzzing)
(screams) Nature!
Shoo! Shoo!
I've got a hot curling iron!
Hold this. (grunts)
Oh, Marge, the kids are all asleep
and the dog's been walked.
There's only one thing left to do.
(sexy purr)
Did you turn the security alarm on?
It's still broken.
Ooh, well, then come here, you.
(Patty snoring)
(shouts) What the hell was that?!
It's just my sister snoring.
She has a very fatty septum.
But it doesn't have to ruin our fun.
(snoring continues)
(both moaning)
(gasps, coughs)
(owl hooting)
(snoring) (music playing intermittently)
Okay, which one of you kids knows how to drive?
And which is sober?
Whew, thank God for Designated Dorothy.
(engine starts, truck backfires)
All right, everybody go to bed.
Those of you who got to get up early,
sleep on top of the pile.
Hey, Brandine!
I caught us a possum!
You want to name it
before we eat it or after?
During!
Beauregard, you've been promoted
from guarding my family to guarding this possum.
That's a good dog.
Hmm.
Hey, baby.
How about that rain check for last night?
PATTY: Aah! Aah!
Aah, don't look at me!
But you're everywhere! (gasping) Freak!
(shouts) Don't you ever knock?
(groans) Get out of here! Go away!
(sighs) Thank God I'm blind.
Yo, I'm next.
No!
Whoa! What the hell?
I did that with love, boy.
What's all the hubbub?
Oh, thank you, Dad. It's okay, son.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's okay, it's okay.
No, really, thank you, thank you, thank you!
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
All right, already!
Just take a shower.
I need someone to talk to.
Thank God I've got a past full of lonely men to draw from.
Mm-hmm.
Disco Stu is over you.
Oh, Disco Stu needs a Zoloft or two.
(grunts)
Who am I kidding?
The one I should be talking to
is the one who's always been there for me...
my cigarette.
Forget about your sister.
You've got me.
For the rest of your life, I'll be the first thing
you think about every morning.
And the last thing you do every night.
Hmm, looks like I have a choice to make.
(grunting) Oh!
I'm in your hair! (laughs)
Uh... (clears throat)
Listen, about this morning,
I'm sorry I walked in on you!
(grumbling)
Oh! Oh, yeah.
I'm about to say something
I never thought I'd say to you-- something nice.
Hmm? (sighs)
I only mock you because I'm jealous
of what Marge has in you.
I only have Selma.
And now I don't even have that.
(sighs)
Oh, Patty, I've waited so long
for you to open a window of niceness.
(grunts) That was it!
Window shut!
(doorbell rings)
Ah, what the heck!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Aah... (sighs)
What are you doing here?
Apologizing.
And I want you to know I quit smoking for good.
You quit for me?
I quit for us.
Hmm, that's actually more selfish,
but it sounds really nice.
(both grunting)
Okay, Maggie, throw the ball to me.
Throw the ball.
Okay, how about I throw the ball?
It's okay.
You'll learn to do things after you're a baby.
(animals clamoring)
("When Johnny Comes Marching Home" playing)
(Spider-Pig theme song playing)
♪ Spider-Pig
♪ Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig.
Let's see, we got "possum pot pie,
"General Chang's possum with cashews,
possum foam with pouch reduction."
(hissing)
Hey, save your hissing for the frying pan!
("When Johnny Comes Marching Home" playing)
(barks)
(yelps, growls)
(birds cawing)
(growling)
(quacks)
(screeches)
(all chattering)
(birds chirping)
(dogs barking)
(howls, growls)
(babbling)
(laughing)
What the...?
It's a bunch of animals acting like humans!
Oh, well, there goes our dinner.
And I had such a delightful moonshine pairing for it, too.
Got 91 points from Robert Trailerparker.
Dang.
Okay, well, uh, possum's gone.
But you got fingernails to chew on.
Who knows what's under them?
Ooh, I got pizza!
I got poop.
It's nice to have you back, Patty.
I had to do some things I regretted 'cause you were gone.
You said it was for real this time.
I said what you wanted to hear!
Disco Stu is back on Tinder.
(door closes)
It's nice to be back.
Since I've stopped smoking,
my sense of smell has really come back.
Uh-huh.
Who knew a small apartment with two women,
a baby and an iguana would smell so bad?
(both sniffing)
Cigarette? Yes!
(sighs)
Here's to smoking and you.
Two things that'll always be in my heart.
Is this a happy ending?
It's edgy.
♪ Together forever and never to part ♪
♪ Together forever, we two.
(squawks)
Hoppy, you're back!
(imitating Cletus): Hey, Brandine!
Put out the fancy possum china!
I've heard of wanting a cracker, but becoming one-- oh, no!
("The Simpsons Theme" by Yo-Yo Ma playing)
Shh!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH