The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 3 - Puffless - full transcript
Patty and Selma try to quit smoking, but Patty moves in with the Simpsons when Selma takes it up again. Meanwhile, Maggie goes on an adventure with some local creatures.
You're watching The Simpsons.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(cackles)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(all groan)
ANNOUNCER:
Nocturnal cravings.
A positive ultrasound.
How could this woman's doctor
not know she was pregnant?
(gasps)
A baby.
An astronaut baby.
(baby laughs)
Hey. Oh, have you ever
turned on a TV?
It's my mother's
birthday.
And you only turn 80 once.
Or, in the case
of most people, no times.
Now, put your good clothes on.
I'm already in a dress and
pearls, and I'm eight years old.
Can't we go
to her 81st birthday?
That's the big one.
Why does visiting my family
always have to be so hard?
Because, face it, Marge,
your family doesn't like me.
Never did, not even
when I had hair and a future
and a bitchin' Pontiac GTO.
Where is that
car, Homer?
I went to a music festival,
and I couldn't remember
where I parked it.
(playing weakly):
♪ I'm a space cowboy.
Homie, I feel about my family
like you felt about that car.
No one loves a
person that much.
Please go, for me?
All right, but
remember the signal.
If I tug my ear,
it's time for us to leave.
I'm switching to my left ear
because of what happened
last time.
Uh-uh, no you don't.
Your grandmother
knit this for you,
so act like you wear
it all the time.
(groans)
She has a juice box.
Why can't I have
a juice box?
Because when she sticks
in the straw,
she doesn't slip
and hit an artery.
Oh, I'll never have juice.
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear...
♪ Mom
♪ Grandma
♪ All of the above
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you.
Thank you.
Jacqueline, I took the
money I usually give
to con artists and preachers
and bought you these flowers.
Oh, nothing tops
a simple romantic gesture.
Except a rich man
flaunting his wealth.
The one thing I can't beat--
competition.
(knee pops loudly)
Oh, Jacqueline, I
fell in love with you
the moment I came
down with dementia.
So to win your heart, I got you
an old-fashioned music player.
Meh.
(groaning)
Mr. Yo-Yo Ma.
(gasps)
No one said
there'd be music.
There's always room
for cello.
(plays Cello Suite
No. 1 by Bach)
I know when I'm
licked, Burns.
She's yours.
Um, not interested.
I just don't want
you to have her.
Wow, that's the meanest thing
I ever heard,
and I used to practice
cello on the subway.
D'oh!
I'm next!
Whee!
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
Hey, you two,
quit having fun.
Trust me, nothing I've done
today has been fun.
Hey, hey, the plastic's
here for a reason--
to keep the couch clean.
Watch and learn, boy.
Voilà, now I take
a simple napkin and...
(screams)
(all groan)
Who's ready to see some
slides of us as teenagers?
(groaning)
Here are the slides.
Oh, just one box.
Five terabytes.
That's over 50,000 carousels
of family fun.
(groans loudly)
Here's us walking up the steps
of Teotihuacán's
pyramid of the sun.
Walking, walking,
stopping, walking.
Walking, walking, walking.
(groans) Ooh.
Hmm.
Stopping, stopping.
Oh.
Walking, walking,
walking, walking,
blister-popping.
Huh?
Walking, walking.
(groans)
Stopping, walking,
walking...
Oh, I sure miss Dad.
We're here to watch
old photos, not reminisce.
Walking, walking...
How did Grampa Bouvier die?
No one's ever told us.
You know what, I
actually don't know.
Me neither.
Not a clue.
Girls, I'm afraid I didn't tell
any of you for a reason.
(gasping)
(plays dramatic tune)
The real story,
and it was something people were
ashamed to say at the time,
is that he died of lung cancer.
Mom, how could you know that
and still let us smoke?
I thought it made you
look cool.
Hey, Lis, do you think I can
climb walls like Spider-Man
with denture cream
on my hands?
(screams)
Nope.
Next time, you should
wait for my answer.
Knock it off! Your grandmother's
bathroom is not a toy chest.
Ooh, Vicodin.
I think it's time,
Selma dear.
Time we quit smoking.
Well, anyway,
happy birthday.
(meows)
Man, I can't believe your
sisters stopped smoking.
I just hope
they don't put on weight.
Hmm.
You're so fat!
(laughs)
You're even fatter.
Damn straight!
No one out-fats me.
Time for beddy-bye.
Now, don't sleep
on your stomach.
Or is it your back?
Can never remember.
Whichever is the comfortable
one, don't do that.
(tapping)
♪
(chatters)
(hoots)
(hisses)
(imitating Duffman):
Say hello to fun!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Hoppy!
In this house, Maggie is safe.
(Maggie babbles playfully)
(groans)
Excuse me, I'd like a license
to operate heavy machinery.
We don't do that here.
Please? To me,
everything is heavy.
(grunting):
No.
(groans)
Patty, what
are you doing?
Selma quit smoking, and
she's never been nicer.
Here's your new license.
Under "eyes,"
I put "red and dilated."
Ooh, thank you, sir.
Selma, not smoking
hasn't affected you at all.
How is that possible?
I even smell cigarette smoke
when it's not around.
(sniffs)
Like right now.
Maybe you're having a stroke.
Phantom smells are a symptom.
Eh, what's the penalty for
driving a tractor drunk
through a
Renaissance Faire?
Can't help you--
I might be having a stroke.
I have to consult a competent
medical professional.
Got that.
Got that.
(groans)
Who doesn't have that?
(groans)
Anyone here to get
an ambulance license?
That would be me.
Here you go.
I lied.
(growls)
Patty, all your
tests are positive.
I mean, negative.
Always get those
two confused.
You're fine.
(chuckles)
But I still smell smoke.
(sniffs)
That's odd.
So do I.
Do you smell
anything, Selma?
Hmm, uh-uh, nope.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking?
That's right, I am.
I quit for only ten minutes
before I relapsed.
And it was the best
cigarette of my life.
(scoffs) I have never
been angrier at you.
Me, too-- this
is a hospital.
If you want to smoke,
go do it in the stairwell
with the doctors.
I'll miss you so much.
Leave me Jub-Jub.
Fine.
At least you still smoke.
I hate it when
you and Selma fight.
Me, too. I also hate it
when they agree.
Homer, please be nice.
Patty's our guest.
For how long?
Where's she gonna sleep?
On our couch.
That's where we do
our couch gags!
See?
Oh, fine.
She'll stay with the baby.
Well, Magster,
it looks like
you and I are going to be
cellmates. (chuckles)
(buzzing)
(screams)
Nature!
Shoo! Shoo!
I've got a hot
curling iron!
Hold this.
(grunts)
Oh, Marge,
the kids are all asleep
and the dog's been walked.
There's only
one thing left to do.
(sexy purr)
Did you turn the
security alarm on?
It's still broken.
Ooh, well, then
come here, you.
(Patty snoring)
(shouts)
What the hell was that?!
It's just my sister snoring.
She has a very fatty septum.
But it doesn't have
to ruin our fun.
(snoring continues)
(both moaning)
(gasps, coughs)
(owl hooting)
(snoring)
(music playing intermittently)
Okay, which one of you kids
knows how to drive?
And which is sober?
Whew, thank God
for Designated Dorothy.
(engine starts, truck backfires)
All right, everybody
go to bed.
Those of you who got
to get up early,
sleep on top of the pile.
Hey, Brandine!
I caught us a possum!
You want to name it
before we eat it
or after?
During!
Beauregard,
you've been promoted
from guarding my family
to guarding this possum.
That's a good dog.
Hmm.
Hey, baby.
How about that rain check
for last night?
PATTY:
Aah!
Aah!
Aah, don't look at me!
But you're everywhere!
(gasping)
Freak!
(shouts)
Don't you ever knock?
(groans)
Get out of
here! Go away!
(sighs) Thank God I'm blind.
Yo, I'm next.
No!
Whoa! What the hell?
I did that
with love, boy.
What's all the hubbub?
Oh, thank you, Dad.
It's okay, son.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It's okay, it's okay.
No, really, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
All right, already!
Just take a shower.
I need someone to talk to.
Thank God I've got a past
full of lonely men to draw from.
Mm-hmm.
Disco Stu is over you.
Oh, Disco Stu
needs a Zoloft or two.
(grunts)
Who am I kidding?
The one I should be talking to
is the one who's always
been there for me...
my cigarette.
Forget about your sister.
You've got me.
For the rest of your life,
I'll be the first thing
you think about every morning.
And the last thing you do
every night.
Hmm, looks like I have
a choice to make.
(grunting)
Oh!
I'm in your hair!
(laughs)
Uh...
(clears throat)
Listen, about this morning,
I'm sorry I walked in on you!
(grumbling)
Oh! Oh, yeah.
I'm about to
say something
I never thought I'd say
to you-- something nice.
Hmm?
(sighs)
I only mock you
because I'm jealous
of what Marge
has in you.
I only have Selma.
And now I don't
even have that.
(sighs)
Oh, Patty,
I've waited so long
for you to open
a window of niceness.
(grunts)
That was it!
Window shut!
(doorbell rings)
Ah, what the heck!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Aah... (sighs)
What are you doing here?
Apologizing.
And I want you to know
I quit smoking for good.
You quit for me?
I quit for us.
Hmm, that's actually
more selfish,
but it sounds really nice.
(both grunting)
Okay, Maggie,
throw the ball to me.
Throw the ball.
Okay, how about
I throw the ball?
It's okay.
You'll learn to do things
after you're a baby.
(animals clamoring)
("When Johnny Comes
Marching Home" playing)
(Spider-Pig theme song playing)
♪ Spider-Pig
♪ Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig.
Let's see,
we got "possum pot pie,
"General Chang's possum
with cashews,
possum foam
with pouch reduction."
(hissing)
Hey, save your hissing
for the frying pan!
("When Johnny Comes
Marching Home" playing)
(barks)
(yelps, growls)
(birds cawing)
(growling)
(quacks)
(screeches)
(all chattering)
(birds chirping)
(dogs barking)
(howls, growls)
(babbling)
(laughing)
What the...?
It's a bunch of animals
acting like humans!
Oh, well, there goes our dinner.
And I had such a delightful
moonshine pairing for it, too.
Got 91 points
from Robert Trailerparker.
Dang.
Okay, well, uh, possum's gone.
But you got fingernails
to chew on.
Who knows what's under them?
Ooh, I got pizza!
I got poop.
It's nice to have
you back, Patty.
I had to do some things I
regretted 'cause you were gone.
You said it was
for real this time.
I said what you wanted to hear!
Disco Stu is back
on Tinder.
(door closes)
It's nice to be back.
Since I've stopped smoking,
my sense of smell
has really come back.
Uh-huh.
Who knew a small apartment
with two women,
a baby and an iguana
would smell so bad?
(both sniffing)
Cigarette?
Yes!
(sighs)
Here's to smoking
and you.
Two things that'll
always be in my heart.
Is this a happy ending?
It's edgy.
♪ Together forever
and never to part ♪
♪ Together forever, we two.
(squawks)
Hoppy, you're back!
(imitating Cletus):
Hey, Brandine!
Put out
the fancy possum china!
I've heard of wanting a cracker,
but becoming one-- oh, no!
("The Simpsons Theme"
by Yo-Yo Ma playing)
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(cackles)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(all groan)
ANNOUNCER:
Nocturnal cravings.
A positive ultrasound.
How could this woman's doctor
not know she was pregnant?
(gasps)
A baby.
An astronaut baby.
(baby laughs)
Hey. Oh, have you ever
turned on a TV?
It's my mother's
birthday.
And you only turn 80 once.
Or, in the case
of most people, no times.
Now, put your good clothes on.
I'm already in a dress and
pearls, and I'm eight years old.
Can't we go
to her 81st birthday?
That's the big one.
Why does visiting my family
always have to be so hard?
Because, face it, Marge,
your family doesn't like me.
Never did, not even
when I had hair and a future
and a bitchin' Pontiac GTO.
Where is that
car, Homer?
I went to a music festival,
and I couldn't remember
where I parked it.
(playing weakly):
♪ I'm a space cowboy.
Homie, I feel about my family
like you felt about that car.
No one loves a
person that much.
Please go, for me?
All right, but
remember the signal.
If I tug my ear,
it's time for us to leave.
I'm switching to my left ear
because of what happened
last time.
Uh-uh, no you don't.
Your grandmother
knit this for you,
so act like you wear
it all the time.
(groans)
She has a juice box.
Why can't I have
a juice box?
Because when she sticks
in the straw,
she doesn't slip
and hit an artery.
Oh, I'll never have juice.
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear...
♪ Mom
♪ Grandma
♪ All of the above
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you.
Thank you.
Jacqueline, I took the
money I usually give
to con artists and preachers
and bought you these flowers.
Oh, nothing tops
a simple romantic gesture.
Except a rich man
flaunting his wealth.
The one thing I can't beat--
competition.
(knee pops loudly)
Oh, Jacqueline, I
fell in love with you
the moment I came
down with dementia.
So to win your heart, I got you
an old-fashioned music player.
Meh.
(groaning)
Mr. Yo-Yo Ma.
(gasps)
No one said
there'd be music.
There's always room
for cello.
(plays Cello Suite
No. 1 by Bach)
I know when I'm
licked, Burns.
She's yours.
Um, not interested.
I just don't want
you to have her.
Wow, that's the meanest thing
I ever heard,
and I used to practice
cello on the subway.
D'oh!
I'm next!
Whee!
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
Hey, you two,
quit having fun.
Trust me, nothing I've done
today has been fun.
Hey, hey, the plastic's
here for a reason--
to keep the couch clean.
Watch and learn, boy.
Voilà, now I take
a simple napkin and...
(screams)
(all groan)
Who's ready to see some
slides of us as teenagers?
(groaning)
Here are the slides.
Oh, just one box.
Five terabytes.
That's over 50,000 carousels
of family fun.
(groans loudly)
Here's us walking up the steps
of Teotihuacán's
pyramid of the sun.
Walking, walking,
stopping, walking.
Walking, walking, walking.
(groans) Ooh.
Hmm.
Stopping, stopping.
Oh.
Walking, walking,
walking, walking,
blister-popping.
Huh?
Walking, walking.
(groans)
Stopping, walking,
walking...
Oh, I sure miss Dad.
We're here to watch
old photos, not reminisce.
Walking, walking...
How did Grampa Bouvier die?
No one's ever told us.
You know what, I
actually don't know.
Me neither.
Not a clue.
Girls, I'm afraid I didn't tell
any of you for a reason.
(gasping)
(plays dramatic tune)
The real story,
and it was something people were
ashamed to say at the time,
is that he died of lung cancer.
Mom, how could you know that
and still let us smoke?
I thought it made you
look cool.
Hey, Lis, do you think I can
climb walls like Spider-Man
with denture cream
on my hands?
(screams)
Nope.
Next time, you should
wait for my answer.
Knock it off! Your grandmother's
bathroom is not a toy chest.
Ooh, Vicodin.
I think it's time,
Selma dear.
Time we quit smoking.
Well, anyway,
happy birthday.
(meows)
Man, I can't believe your
sisters stopped smoking.
I just hope
they don't put on weight.
Hmm.
You're so fat!
(laughs)
You're even fatter.
Damn straight!
No one out-fats me.
Time for beddy-bye.
Now, don't sleep
on your stomach.
Or is it your back?
Can never remember.
Whichever is the comfortable
one, don't do that.
(tapping)
♪
(chatters)
(hoots)
(hisses)
(imitating Duffman):
Say hello to fun!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Hoppy!
In this house, Maggie is safe.
(Maggie babbles playfully)
(groans)
Excuse me, I'd like a license
to operate heavy machinery.
We don't do that here.
Please? To me,
everything is heavy.
(grunting):
No.
(groans)
Patty, what
are you doing?
Selma quit smoking, and
she's never been nicer.
Here's your new license.
Under "eyes,"
I put "red and dilated."
Ooh, thank you, sir.
Selma, not smoking
hasn't affected you at all.
How is that possible?
I even smell cigarette smoke
when it's not around.
(sniffs)
Like right now.
Maybe you're having a stroke.
Phantom smells are a symptom.
Eh, what's the penalty for
driving a tractor drunk
through a
Renaissance Faire?
Can't help you--
I might be having a stroke.
I have to consult a competent
medical professional.
Got that.
Got that.
(groans)
Who doesn't have that?
(groans)
Anyone here to get
an ambulance license?
That would be me.
Here you go.
I lied.
(growls)
Patty, all your
tests are positive.
I mean, negative.
Always get those
two confused.
You're fine.
(chuckles)
But I still smell smoke.
(sniffs)
That's odd.
So do I.
Do you smell
anything, Selma?
Hmm, uh-uh, nope.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking?
That's right, I am.
I quit for only ten minutes
before I relapsed.
And it was the best
cigarette of my life.
(scoffs) I have never
been angrier at you.
Me, too-- this
is a hospital.
If you want to smoke,
go do it in the stairwell
with the doctors.
I'll miss you so much.
Leave me Jub-Jub.
Fine.
At least you still smoke.
I hate it when
you and Selma fight.
Me, too. I also hate it
when they agree.
Homer, please be nice.
Patty's our guest.
For how long?
Where's she gonna sleep?
On our couch.
That's where we do
our couch gags!
See?
Oh, fine.
She'll stay with the baby.
Well, Magster,
it looks like
you and I are going to be
cellmates. (chuckles)
(buzzing)
(screams)
Nature!
Shoo! Shoo!
I've got a hot
curling iron!
Hold this.
(grunts)
Oh, Marge,
the kids are all asleep
and the dog's been walked.
There's only
one thing left to do.
(sexy purr)
Did you turn the
security alarm on?
It's still broken.
Ooh, well, then
come here, you.
(Patty snoring)
(shouts)
What the hell was that?!
It's just my sister snoring.
She has a very fatty septum.
But it doesn't have
to ruin our fun.
(snoring continues)
(both moaning)
(gasps, coughs)
(owl hooting)
(snoring)
(music playing intermittently)
Okay, which one of you kids
knows how to drive?
And which is sober?
Whew, thank God
for Designated Dorothy.
(engine starts, truck backfires)
All right, everybody
go to bed.
Those of you who got
to get up early,
sleep on top of the pile.
Hey, Brandine!
I caught us a possum!
You want to name it
before we eat it
or after?
During!
Beauregard,
you've been promoted
from guarding my family
to guarding this possum.
That's a good dog.
Hmm.
Hey, baby.
How about that rain check
for last night?
PATTY:
Aah!
Aah!
Aah, don't look at me!
But you're everywhere!
(gasping)
Freak!
(shouts)
Don't you ever knock?
(groans)
Get out of
here! Go away!
(sighs) Thank God I'm blind.
Yo, I'm next.
No!
Whoa! What the hell?
I did that
with love, boy.
What's all the hubbub?
Oh, thank you, Dad.
It's okay, son.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It's okay, it's okay.
No, really, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
All right, already!
Just take a shower.
I need someone to talk to.
Thank God I've got a past
full of lonely men to draw from.
Mm-hmm.
Disco Stu is over you.
Oh, Disco Stu
needs a Zoloft or two.
(grunts)
Who am I kidding?
The one I should be talking to
is the one who's always
been there for me...
my cigarette.
Forget about your sister.
You've got me.
For the rest of your life,
I'll be the first thing
you think about every morning.
And the last thing you do
every night.
Hmm, looks like I have
a choice to make.
(grunting)
Oh!
I'm in your hair!
(laughs)
Uh...
(clears throat)
Listen, about this morning,
I'm sorry I walked in on you!
(grumbling)
Oh! Oh, yeah.
I'm about to
say something
I never thought I'd say
to you-- something nice.
Hmm?
(sighs)
I only mock you
because I'm jealous
of what Marge
has in you.
I only have Selma.
And now I don't
even have that.
(sighs)
Oh, Patty,
I've waited so long
for you to open
a window of niceness.
(grunts)
That was it!
Window shut!
(doorbell rings)
Ah, what the heck!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Aah... (sighs)
What are you doing here?
Apologizing.
And I want you to know
I quit smoking for good.
You quit for me?
I quit for us.
Hmm, that's actually
more selfish,
but it sounds really nice.
(both grunting)
Okay, Maggie,
throw the ball to me.
Throw the ball.
Okay, how about
I throw the ball?
It's okay.
You'll learn to do things
after you're a baby.
(animals clamoring)
("When Johnny Comes
Marching Home" playing)
(Spider-Pig theme song playing)
♪ Spider-Pig
♪ Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig.
Let's see,
we got "possum pot pie,
"General Chang's possum
with cashews,
possum foam
with pouch reduction."
(hissing)
Hey, save your hissing
for the frying pan!
("When Johnny Comes
Marching Home" playing)
(barks)
(yelps, growls)
(birds cawing)
(growling)
(quacks)
(screeches)
(all chattering)
(birds chirping)
(dogs barking)
(howls, growls)
(babbling)
(laughing)
What the...?
It's a bunch of animals
acting like humans!
Oh, well, there goes our dinner.
And I had such a delightful
moonshine pairing for it, too.
Got 91 points
from Robert Trailerparker.
Dang.
Okay, well, uh, possum's gone.
But you got fingernails
to chew on.
Who knows what's under them?
Ooh, I got pizza!
I got poop.
It's nice to have
you back, Patty.
I had to do some things I
regretted 'cause you were gone.
You said it was
for real this time.
I said what you wanted to hear!
Disco Stu is back
on Tinder.
(door closes)
It's nice to be back.
Since I've stopped smoking,
my sense of smell
has really come back.
Uh-huh.
Who knew a small apartment
with two women,
a baby and an iguana
would smell so bad?
(both sniffing)
Cigarette?
Yes!
(sighs)
Here's to smoking
and you.
Two things that'll
always be in my heart.
Is this a happy ending?
It's edgy.
♪ Together forever
and never to part ♪
♪ Together forever, we two.
(squawks)
Hoppy, you're back!
(imitating Cletus):
Hey, Brandine!
Put out
the fancy possum china!
I've heard of wanting a cracker,
but becoming one-- oh, no!
("The Simpsons Theme"
by Yo-Yo Ma playing)
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH