The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 2 - 'Cue Detective - full transcript
A celebrity television chef challenges Homer to a barbecue cook-off. But before the competition, Homer's new, prized barbecue grill is stolen.
You're watching The Simpsons.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
Today's safety film Don't Wear
Jewelry During Sports
has been cancelled.
Instead we'll watch a movie
that made me fall in love
with showing movies
I've watched to other people.
(kids booing)
(exclaiming)
That's right,
the 1967 classic
Doctor Dolittle,
which answers the question:
what if an elderly
unmarried doctor
decided to focus
his practice on animals?
The running time
is 152 minutes!
The running time is now!
(grunts)
(horse neighing)
(neighing)
(neighing continues)
(groans)
He's been giving that horse
an eye exam forever.
(neighs)
MILHOUSE: It's a carrot, stupid!
Isn't it a pity you're a seal?
(seal grunts)
KIDS:
Ew!
That dude's making it
with a fish!
I kissed a light socket once,
and I woke up in a helicopter.
♪ This is the world
of Dr. Dolittle ♪
♪ The wonderful world
of Dr. Dolittle... ♪
This is Anthony Newley
at his worst.
(singing along):
♪ Where crocodiles talk
♪ And elephants sing
♪ And animals
do most any old thing. ♪
♪ My friend the doctor
♪ And me.
That movie was so bad,
it actually stinks.
(sniffing)
Whoa, it's not the movie.
It's Bart!
(kids sniffing)
(kids clamoring in disgust)
I don't stink.
You're just smelling
the old boogers in your noses.
You got to pick those things--
it's called hygiene.
If I may join
in the mockery,
Lisa Simpson also
has an appalling odor.
(kids sniffing)
What? (gasps)
I don't smell.
Girls don't smell!
(deep sniff)
Sorry, girl,
but you smell.
(singsongy):
Stink-sons! Stink-sons!
KIDS (singsongy):
Stink-sons! Stink-sons!
Children can be so cruel.
ALL (singsongy):
Stink-son! Stink-son!
Then they called me Stink-son.
That's not even my name.
What happened?
Our family's been
ostracized for lots of things,
but never our hygiene.
Rarely
our hygiene.
Never my hygiene!
(groans)
I think I know
where the smell
is coming from.
Mold.
(groans)
It's worse than a
Grampa hug in the summer.
I thought smelly
clothes only happened
to working mothers.
This is all the
money I've found
in Homer's pants
pockets over the years.
I was saving it
to buy a spice rack
instead of always renting one.
But I guess we'll have
to spend this money
on a new washing machine.
We cannot continue on
as the Stink-sons.
Oh, Stink-sons!
(laughing)
Hey!
When I return,
we will no longer
have to wear attic clothes.
♪
(humming)
(bell dings)
Mmm...
smoked meat.
Mmm!
(sniffing)
(horns blaring)
Move it, fat ass!
I'm trying to text!
Oh, I spilled my pee jar!
Watch it, Stink-son!
A roadside barbecue stand?
Everything tastes better
when it's near a road.
Try a taste.
Guaranteed to blow
your mouth's mind.
Mmm.
♪
(laughing)
Oh, look at 'em go!
(laughing deliriously)
(laughing)
Ooh, charred and moist!
Like Satan's burps.
The grill marks
are shaped like a honeycomb!
That's why I call
her the Hive.
She's been passed down through
my family for generations.
They say the Hive's
made from a meteor...
which burned off
my great-grandpappy's beard,
exposing his weak chin
to the entire township.
(laughter)
(grunts)
It was a gift from the heavens.
The perfect smoker.
The Hive has never
been cooled down,
never been cleaned.
Mixing meat, fat and smoke
into pure magic.
Mmm... smoked me.
You look like a man
who needs a smoker in his life.
It just so happens
that the Hive
is available for purchase.
(gasps)
But why would you give up
your most prized possession?
That'd be like Stephen Hawking
selling his talking motorcycle.
My old lady and I are
saving up to live our dream
of moving further away
from our grandchildren.
(moans)
But if I don't come home
with a washing machine,
my wife will be so mad.
Oh, should I do the thing
I'm supposed to do
or the thing
everybody knows I'm gonna do?
You bought a grill?!
It's not a grill.
It's a smoker.
That you can grill on.
That money was supposed
to de-stink our children,
and instead you bought
a... doo-hickey
to stuff your greedy face.
(groans angrily)
Don't worry, Homer.
Nothing fixes bad times
like good food.
Also, I died.
Hmm.
(groaning angrily)
(sniffing)
Huh?
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
I can't believe
you cooked this.
Well, the secret
to barbecue
is sitting around
doing nothing.
No wonder
I'm great at it.
Mmm... smoky carrot.
And, Maggie, this is for you.
(squeals)
Come on, just one bite.
Nah-uh!
Uh-huh.
Never!
Ever.
Forget it.
Remember it.
No way, Jose!
Sí way, Josefina.
Nothin' doing.
Everythin' undoing.
Oh, fine!
One bite.
(gasps)
Ooh!
(laughing excitedly)
Homie, I finally
understand gluttony.
Welcome to America, baby.
(all chewing loudly)
(barking)
Sorry for dropping by,
but we smelled your barbecue
and couldn't resist.
Here's some Carl-slaw
to go with it.
I call it "Carl-slaw,"
because I bought it.
(grunting)
(excited chattering)
Look how popular we are.
That smoker is the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Thank goodness for
your selfish choices.
I make them all for you.
(tires screeching,
people exclaiming)
(excited chattering)
Yeah, I'm looking for a barbecue
bozo name of Homer Simpson?
Whoa, that's Chew Network's
celebrity chef Scotty Boom!
He's the host
of Side Dish Impossible,
Master Prison Chef
and Kill It, Chill It, Grill.
Yeah, how you doing, everybody?
I'm Scotty Boom,
and I'm challenging
you to an Eat-down!
What's that--
some kind of eat-down?
It's my new show
where I use
my big-time New York
City chef skills
to obliterate amateur cooks.
Who would watch
such a one-sided farce?
I'm in.
This Eat-down's
gonna throw down
at the Springfield
Barbecue Festival.
And when I'm done, you're gonna
wish you never heard of food!
(people oohing)
Buy my cookware!
(gasps): I'm competing
against Scotty Boom!
He's got what
all great chefs have--
yelling.
ALL (chanting):
Homer! Homer! Homer!
You were right, greasy hobo.
Nothing fixes bad times
like good food.
Up here,
I can watch
anyone in the world
take a shower.
(grunting)
Okay, pork, I'm gonna throw you
in that magic smoker
for 24 hours
and win that cook-off.
I only wish you could be alive
to see it.
(British accent):
Then I suppose
this is my last chance to say
I love you.
Aw...
(gasps)
Oh, no!
Our smoker's been stolen!
Why?!
And when?!
You didn't lock it up?
You fat idiot!
I'm out of here.
(groans)
(moans)
You'll find the Hive, right?
Tell me you'll find my smoker!
Ah, don't you worry.
The Springfield PD
is on the case.
Ah, yeah.
Uh, well, I wouldn't
get your hopes up.
High-end barbeques like yours
are easy pickings.
Smokeheads grab them at night,
clean them up.
Next thing you know,
it's cooking
another family's hot dogs.
Humanity-- what a joke.
(spits)
So, it's gone.
It's really gone.
All that's left is
the smell of burning hickory
and three
tiny little wheel prints.
Good night, sweet prints.
So you lost your grill.
Snap out of it,
you big fat baby.
Son, this is so much more
than just losing
an outdoor cooking device.
How to explain this
to a child?
This is the death of hope.
What are you talking about?
Everything good
that comes into our lives,
the universe takes away.
So from now on,
I'm just gonna lie here
and never care again.
Come on, you know
your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
I don't want to.
(gasps)
(moans)
Look at him.
He's lying there
like a beached whale
waiting to explode.
Maybe we should try to
track down that smoker.
I don't know.
The whole barbequing scene
is pretty pro-meat.
And all that smoke
pollutes the environment.
This isn't about your
boyfriend, the planet.
I've never seen him
this beaten down.
Okay, look for clues.
Are there any mud
samples we can trace
to local heaths and moors?
Sorry, I've been watching
a lot of Sherlock.
(barking)
Knock it off, boy.
I don't have any meat for you.
Get down!
Wait!
Santa's Little Helper
was in the yard last night
when the smoker was stolen,
but he didn't make a peep.
Why?
(gasps)
"Natural Peanut Butter."
What if someone
gave this to the dog
so he'd be licking
instead of barking
while they took
the smoker?!
(gasps)
You got a clue, boy!
A clue! (laughs)
Who's a smart dog?
Who's
a smart dog?
(panting)
(barking)
(panting)
(bell clangs)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching
Eat-down with Scotty Boom.
Come on, Homie.
We can't let this
Empire State jabroni beat us.
This week I took on the Gilbert
family of Portland, Maine.
They've been making clam chowder
for generations.
How is that better than
something I spent a day on?
I win!
Manhattan chowder, baby!
NYC!
Greatest city,
greatest chowder!
The Gilbert family
has learned a valuable lesson--
screw everything.
Dad, we're gonna
find that smoker!
To try is to fail!
There's only
one store in town
that sells
all-natural peanut butter.
(bell dings)
Don't worry, I know how
to talk to these people.
Thank goodness
you have organic fennel.
The fennel at the farmer's
market is only transitional.
(groans)
Typical.
Small farmers ruining it
for the really small farmers.
So, could you maybe tell me
who bought this brand
of peanut butter?
Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
You want me to violate
my customers' privacy?
Who are you working for?
The NSA?
Big pharma?
Amazon Prime?
Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!
(moans)
My hoops!
(grunting)
My ridiculous flesh hoops!
There!
Someone's ringing
up peanut butter.
(both gasp)
Nelson!
What are you playing
there, Nelson?
Clash of Castles?
So what if it is?
Your castle's
pretty well-defended.
Level six catapults.
Level seven sorcerers.
Maxed-out trolls.
(whistles)
Uh, yeah, well.
(clears his throat)
Yeah, gets the job done.
I tell you, those are
some nice upgrades.
Expensive upgrades.
Upgrades like
that cost gems.
And gems cost cash.
Expensive cash.
Where'd you get
the cash, Nelson?
I don't use gems!
I'm a grinder!
A grinder!
(grunts)
(yelling)
(both moaning)
(moaning continues)
(gasps)
(whimpering)
(both scream)
What are they?
They're like televisions...
but they just keep going!
He's meeting
with someone.
That's always
a sign of guilt.
Hope you don't mind.
I cooked some dinner on it.
Mmm. (sniffs)
Ah, smell you later.
("Take the A Train" by Duke
Ellington ringtone plays)
(phone beeps)
This is our chance.
BOTH:
Hot! Hot!
Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
(gasps)
(tires squealing)
(crickets chirping)
(groans)
(both groan)
The universe
does hate us.
It feels good
to surrender.
(all groan)
Good girl, Maggie.
Give up young.
(panting, barking)
(all groaning)
Get up off that floor!
We are on
a head-to-head cook-off
that'll be shown on TV
and probably some planes.
We don't have the smoker.
Just let us forfeit
with dignity.
We still have to try.
This isn't a family of quitters.
Sure we are.
We always have been
and more so now.
I'm a quitter.
And I'll back down to anyone
who says I'm not.
Come on,
Buddhists aren't quitters.
Actually, Mom,
Buddhism is really
just quitting in yoga pants.
This is a Live Strong bracelet.
Lance Armstrong
never quit.
He never quit
the Tour de France.
He never quit lying
about his steroid use.
And he still hasn't
totally come clean.
Now get in the car!
(lively chatter)
MOE:
Eat-down! Eat-down! Eat-down!
Yee-haw!
I can handle this
barbeque competition.
All I need is a little
help from an old friend.
I'm Alton Brown
and welcome to Eat-down!
Today Scotty Boom
takes on the Simpsons in...
(bell clanging)
And I can tell you this--
it will be edited
to be dramatic.
Marge, do you
think your meat
has what it takes
to win this Eat-down?
It sure does.
Homer, what about you?
No way in hell.
What about you kids?
Are you pumped up
to beat Scotty Boom?
Happiness is an illusion.
What she said.
Looks like the Simpsons
are playing
mind games with you,
Scotty.
Are you feeling
the pressure?
No pressure.
I'm throwing down
the taste of New York.
My recipe's infused with
Times Square, the Bronx Zoo
and the Sex and the City
walking tour.
The Simpsons better
bring their A game.
HOMER:
F! F game!
I call this my
Never-Give-Up Brisket.
The secret ingredient
is hope.
Mm?
(spits)
How many spices
did you put in this?
All of them.
(all groaning)
(audience oohing)
I've never seen such
unusual grill marks.
This pattern looks
like a honeycomb.
What?
That meat was cooked
on the Hive!
This garlic-sucking tunnel trash
stole our smoker!
Ah, this little
flyover's crazy.
I cooked that meat myself
right here over here.
The grill marks don't match.
Dead meat doesn't lie.
(audience gasping)
(gasping)
Scotty Boom, you are
hereby banned
from the Chew Network.
You are no longer
a celebrity chef.
You're just a chef.
Take him away, Chief.
Grand theft smoker.
Sounds like a crime to me.
Apparently,
the winner of the Eat-down
is the Simpsons.
(cheering)
Isn't this a
little too easy?
Why would a professional
chef cheat?
And how does Nelson fit in?
And where the heck
is our smoker?
("Take the A Train" by Duke
Ellington ringtone plays)
(phone beeps)
That's the ringtone
from the scrapyard!
LISA:
Get him!
Bones! Bones!
I'm covered in death!
(gasps)
My hoops!
Dad, stop him!
I'm done trying.
Dad, please!
No one's asking you to care.
Just trip a stranger!
(grumbles)
A kid?
Why'd you steal
our smoker?
Why'd you frame
Scotty Boom?
'Cause he's my dad.
I'm Tyler Boom.
Huh?
My dad is so busy
shooting his TV shows
and going to the openings
and closings
of his restaurants...
I never see him.
You destroyed
your Dad's career
so he'd spend
more time with you?
Aw...
I met this kid Nelson
playing Clash of Castles
online.
You know, I knew my dad
was coming to your town,
so I hired Nelson
to take your smoker.
And then my nanny
cooked some meat on it
and switched it so it looked
like my dad cheated.
This was the only way.
The only way
I thought of.
Son, why didn't you tell me
I was a terrible father?
Because I'm from New York.
We don't talk about
our feelings, huh?
Yeah, I understand, son.
I'm from New York, too.
FDR Drive.
The West Side Highway.
Investment banking.
The gallery scene.
Knicks suck.
(crying):
Oh, Papa!
They suck so hard!
One more thing, Tyler.
Where's the Hive?
(gasping)
Oh...
(sizzling)
You're always so much hotter
than I think you're gonna be.
Thanks, guys, for not giving up,
then giving up,
then not giving up again,
then I forget.
BBQ is like family--
the cheap cuts of meat
that nobody wants.
But if you treat them right,
they turn into
the best thing in the world.
Yeah, barbecue's yummy.
Chinese is pretty good, too.
Meh, it depends
on the place.
♪ From the dusty mesa
♪ Her looming shadow grows
♪ Hidden in the branches
♪ Of the poison creosote
♪ She twines
her spines up slowly ♪
♪ Towards the boiling sun
♪ And when I touched her skin
♪ My fingers ran with blood.
PIT MASTER:
I'm out of here.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
Today's safety film Don't Wear
Jewelry During Sports
has been cancelled.
Instead we'll watch a movie
that made me fall in love
with showing movies
I've watched to other people.
(kids booing)
(exclaiming)
That's right,
the 1967 classic
Doctor Dolittle,
which answers the question:
what if an elderly
unmarried doctor
decided to focus
his practice on animals?
The running time
is 152 minutes!
The running time is now!
(grunts)
(horse neighing)
(neighing)
(neighing continues)
(groans)
He's been giving that horse
an eye exam forever.
(neighs)
MILHOUSE: It's a carrot, stupid!
Isn't it a pity you're a seal?
(seal grunts)
KIDS:
Ew!
That dude's making it
with a fish!
I kissed a light socket once,
and I woke up in a helicopter.
♪ This is the world
of Dr. Dolittle ♪
♪ The wonderful world
of Dr. Dolittle... ♪
This is Anthony Newley
at his worst.
(singing along):
♪ Where crocodiles talk
♪ And elephants sing
♪ And animals
do most any old thing. ♪
♪ My friend the doctor
♪ And me.
That movie was so bad,
it actually stinks.
(sniffing)
Whoa, it's not the movie.
It's Bart!
(kids sniffing)
(kids clamoring in disgust)
I don't stink.
You're just smelling
the old boogers in your noses.
You got to pick those things--
it's called hygiene.
If I may join
in the mockery,
Lisa Simpson also
has an appalling odor.
(kids sniffing)
What? (gasps)
I don't smell.
Girls don't smell!
(deep sniff)
Sorry, girl,
but you smell.
(singsongy):
Stink-sons! Stink-sons!
KIDS (singsongy):
Stink-sons! Stink-sons!
Children can be so cruel.
ALL (singsongy):
Stink-son! Stink-son!
Then they called me Stink-son.
That's not even my name.
What happened?
Our family's been
ostracized for lots of things,
but never our hygiene.
Rarely
our hygiene.
Never my hygiene!
(groans)
I think I know
where the smell
is coming from.
Mold.
(groans)
It's worse than a
Grampa hug in the summer.
I thought smelly
clothes only happened
to working mothers.
This is all the
money I've found
in Homer's pants
pockets over the years.
I was saving it
to buy a spice rack
instead of always renting one.
But I guess we'll have
to spend this money
on a new washing machine.
We cannot continue on
as the Stink-sons.
Oh, Stink-sons!
(laughing)
Hey!
When I return,
we will no longer
have to wear attic clothes.
♪
(humming)
(bell dings)
Mmm...
smoked meat.
Mmm!
(sniffing)
(horns blaring)
Move it, fat ass!
I'm trying to text!
Oh, I spilled my pee jar!
Watch it, Stink-son!
A roadside barbecue stand?
Everything tastes better
when it's near a road.
Try a taste.
Guaranteed to blow
your mouth's mind.
Mmm.
♪
(laughing)
Oh, look at 'em go!
(laughing deliriously)
(laughing)
Ooh, charred and moist!
Like Satan's burps.
The grill marks
are shaped like a honeycomb!
That's why I call
her the Hive.
She's been passed down through
my family for generations.
They say the Hive's
made from a meteor...
which burned off
my great-grandpappy's beard,
exposing his weak chin
to the entire township.
(laughter)
(grunts)
It was a gift from the heavens.
The perfect smoker.
The Hive has never
been cooled down,
never been cleaned.
Mixing meat, fat and smoke
into pure magic.
Mmm... smoked me.
You look like a man
who needs a smoker in his life.
It just so happens
that the Hive
is available for purchase.
(gasps)
But why would you give up
your most prized possession?
That'd be like Stephen Hawking
selling his talking motorcycle.
My old lady and I are
saving up to live our dream
of moving further away
from our grandchildren.
(moans)
But if I don't come home
with a washing machine,
my wife will be so mad.
Oh, should I do the thing
I'm supposed to do
or the thing
everybody knows I'm gonna do?
You bought a grill?!
It's not a grill.
It's a smoker.
That you can grill on.
That money was supposed
to de-stink our children,
and instead you bought
a... doo-hickey
to stuff your greedy face.
(groans angrily)
Don't worry, Homer.
Nothing fixes bad times
like good food.
Also, I died.
Hmm.
(groaning angrily)
(sniffing)
Huh?
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
I can't believe
you cooked this.
Well, the secret
to barbecue
is sitting around
doing nothing.
No wonder
I'm great at it.
Mmm... smoky carrot.
And, Maggie, this is for you.
(squeals)
Come on, just one bite.
Nah-uh!
Uh-huh.
Never!
Ever.
Forget it.
Remember it.
No way, Jose!
Sí way, Josefina.
Nothin' doing.
Everythin' undoing.
Oh, fine!
One bite.
(gasps)
Ooh!
(laughing excitedly)
Homie, I finally
understand gluttony.
Welcome to America, baby.
(all chewing loudly)
(barking)
Sorry for dropping by,
but we smelled your barbecue
and couldn't resist.
Here's some Carl-slaw
to go with it.
I call it "Carl-slaw,"
because I bought it.
(grunting)
(excited chattering)
Look how popular we are.
That smoker is the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Thank goodness for
your selfish choices.
I make them all for you.
(tires screeching,
people exclaiming)
(excited chattering)
Yeah, I'm looking for a barbecue
bozo name of Homer Simpson?
Whoa, that's Chew Network's
celebrity chef Scotty Boom!
He's the host
of Side Dish Impossible,
Master Prison Chef
and Kill It, Chill It, Grill.
Yeah, how you doing, everybody?
I'm Scotty Boom,
and I'm challenging
you to an Eat-down!
What's that--
some kind of eat-down?
It's my new show
where I use
my big-time New York
City chef skills
to obliterate amateur cooks.
Who would watch
such a one-sided farce?
I'm in.
This Eat-down's
gonna throw down
at the Springfield
Barbecue Festival.
And when I'm done, you're gonna
wish you never heard of food!
(people oohing)
Buy my cookware!
(gasps): I'm competing
against Scotty Boom!
He's got what
all great chefs have--
yelling.
ALL (chanting):
Homer! Homer! Homer!
You were right, greasy hobo.
Nothing fixes bad times
like good food.
Up here,
I can watch
anyone in the world
take a shower.
(grunting)
Okay, pork, I'm gonna throw you
in that magic smoker
for 24 hours
and win that cook-off.
I only wish you could be alive
to see it.
(British accent):
Then I suppose
this is my last chance to say
I love you.
Aw...
(gasps)
Oh, no!
Our smoker's been stolen!
Why?!
And when?!
You didn't lock it up?
You fat idiot!
I'm out of here.
(groans)
(moans)
You'll find the Hive, right?
Tell me you'll find my smoker!
Ah, don't you worry.
The Springfield PD
is on the case.
Ah, yeah.
Uh, well, I wouldn't
get your hopes up.
High-end barbeques like yours
are easy pickings.
Smokeheads grab them at night,
clean them up.
Next thing you know,
it's cooking
another family's hot dogs.
Humanity-- what a joke.
(spits)
So, it's gone.
It's really gone.
All that's left is
the smell of burning hickory
and three
tiny little wheel prints.
Good night, sweet prints.
So you lost your grill.
Snap out of it,
you big fat baby.
Son, this is so much more
than just losing
an outdoor cooking device.
How to explain this
to a child?
This is the death of hope.
What are you talking about?
Everything good
that comes into our lives,
the universe takes away.
So from now on,
I'm just gonna lie here
and never care again.
Come on, you know
your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
I don't want to.
(gasps)
(moans)
Look at him.
He's lying there
like a beached whale
waiting to explode.
Maybe we should try to
track down that smoker.
I don't know.
The whole barbequing scene
is pretty pro-meat.
And all that smoke
pollutes the environment.
This isn't about your
boyfriend, the planet.
I've never seen him
this beaten down.
Okay, look for clues.
Are there any mud
samples we can trace
to local heaths and moors?
Sorry, I've been watching
a lot of Sherlock.
(barking)
Knock it off, boy.
I don't have any meat for you.
Get down!
Wait!
Santa's Little Helper
was in the yard last night
when the smoker was stolen,
but he didn't make a peep.
Why?
(gasps)
"Natural Peanut Butter."
What if someone
gave this to the dog
so he'd be licking
instead of barking
while they took
the smoker?!
(gasps)
You got a clue, boy!
A clue! (laughs)
Who's a smart dog?
Who's
a smart dog?
(panting)
(barking)
(panting)
(bell clangs)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching
Eat-down with Scotty Boom.
Come on, Homie.
We can't let this
Empire State jabroni beat us.
This week I took on the Gilbert
family of Portland, Maine.
They've been making clam chowder
for generations.
How is that better than
something I spent a day on?
I win!
Manhattan chowder, baby!
NYC!
Greatest city,
greatest chowder!
The Gilbert family
has learned a valuable lesson--
screw everything.
Dad, we're gonna
find that smoker!
To try is to fail!
There's only
one store in town
that sells
all-natural peanut butter.
(bell dings)
Don't worry, I know how
to talk to these people.
Thank goodness
you have organic fennel.
The fennel at the farmer's
market is only transitional.
(groans)
Typical.
Small farmers ruining it
for the really small farmers.
So, could you maybe tell me
who bought this brand
of peanut butter?
Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
You want me to violate
my customers' privacy?
Who are you working for?
The NSA?
Big pharma?
Amazon Prime?
Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!
(moans)
My hoops!
(grunting)
My ridiculous flesh hoops!
There!
Someone's ringing
up peanut butter.
(both gasp)
Nelson!
What are you playing
there, Nelson?
Clash of Castles?
So what if it is?
Your castle's
pretty well-defended.
Level six catapults.
Level seven sorcerers.
Maxed-out trolls.
(whistles)
Uh, yeah, well.
(clears his throat)
Yeah, gets the job done.
I tell you, those are
some nice upgrades.
Expensive upgrades.
Upgrades like
that cost gems.
And gems cost cash.
Expensive cash.
Where'd you get
the cash, Nelson?
I don't use gems!
I'm a grinder!
A grinder!
(grunts)
(yelling)
(both moaning)
(moaning continues)
(gasps)
(whimpering)
(both scream)
What are they?
They're like televisions...
but they just keep going!
He's meeting
with someone.
That's always
a sign of guilt.
Hope you don't mind.
I cooked some dinner on it.
Mmm. (sniffs)
Ah, smell you later.
("Take the A Train" by Duke
Ellington ringtone plays)
(phone beeps)
This is our chance.
BOTH:
Hot! Hot!
Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
(gasps)
(tires squealing)
(crickets chirping)
(groans)
(both groan)
The universe
does hate us.
It feels good
to surrender.
(all groan)
Good girl, Maggie.
Give up young.
(panting, barking)
(all groaning)
Get up off that floor!
We are on
a head-to-head cook-off
that'll be shown on TV
and probably some planes.
We don't have the smoker.
Just let us forfeit
with dignity.
We still have to try.
This isn't a family of quitters.
Sure we are.
We always have been
and more so now.
I'm a quitter.
And I'll back down to anyone
who says I'm not.
Come on,
Buddhists aren't quitters.
Actually, Mom,
Buddhism is really
just quitting in yoga pants.
This is a Live Strong bracelet.
Lance Armstrong
never quit.
He never quit
the Tour de France.
He never quit lying
about his steroid use.
And he still hasn't
totally come clean.
Now get in the car!
(lively chatter)
MOE:
Eat-down! Eat-down! Eat-down!
Yee-haw!
I can handle this
barbeque competition.
All I need is a little
help from an old friend.
I'm Alton Brown
and welcome to Eat-down!
Today Scotty Boom
takes on the Simpsons in...
(bell clanging)
And I can tell you this--
it will be edited
to be dramatic.
Marge, do you
think your meat
has what it takes
to win this Eat-down?
It sure does.
Homer, what about you?
No way in hell.
What about you kids?
Are you pumped up
to beat Scotty Boom?
Happiness is an illusion.
What she said.
Looks like the Simpsons
are playing
mind games with you,
Scotty.
Are you feeling
the pressure?
No pressure.
I'm throwing down
the taste of New York.
My recipe's infused with
Times Square, the Bronx Zoo
and the Sex and the City
walking tour.
The Simpsons better
bring their A game.
HOMER:
F! F game!
I call this my
Never-Give-Up Brisket.
The secret ingredient
is hope.
Mm?
(spits)
How many spices
did you put in this?
All of them.
(all groaning)
(audience oohing)
I've never seen such
unusual grill marks.
This pattern looks
like a honeycomb.
What?
That meat was cooked
on the Hive!
This garlic-sucking tunnel trash
stole our smoker!
Ah, this little
flyover's crazy.
I cooked that meat myself
right here over here.
The grill marks don't match.
Dead meat doesn't lie.
(audience gasping)
(gasping)
Scotty Boom, you are
hereby banned
from the Chew Network.
You are no longer
a celebrity chef.
You're just a chef.
Take him away, Chief.
Grand theft smoker.
Sounds like a crime to me.
Apparently,
the winner of the Eat-down
is the Simpsons.
(cheering)
Isn't this a
little too easy?
Why would a professional
chef cheat?
And how does Nelson fit in?
And where the heck
is our smoker?
("Take the A Train" by Duke
Ellington ringtone plays)
(phone beeps)
That's the ringtone
from the scrapyard!
LISA:
Get him!
Bones! Bones!
I'm covered in death!
(gasps)
My hoops!
Dad, stop him!
I'm done trying.
Dad, please!
No one's asking you to care.
Just trip a stranger!
(grumbles)
A kid?
Why'd you steal
our smoker?
Why'd you frame
Scotty Boom?
'Cause he's my dad.
I'm Tyler Boom.
Huh?
My dad is so busy
shooting his TV shows
and going to the openings
and closings
of his restaurants...
I never see him.
You destroyed
your Dad's career
so he'd spend
more time with you?
Aw...
I met this kid Nelson
playing Clash of Castles
online.
You know, I knew my dad
was coming to your town,
so I hired Nelson
to take your smoker.
And then my nanny
cooked some meat on it
and switched it so it looked
like my dad cheated.
This was the only way.
The only way
I thought of.
Son, why didn't you tell me
I was a terrible father?
Because I'm from New York.
We don't talk about
our feelings, huh?
Yeah, I understand, son.
I'm from New York, too.
FDR Drive.
The West Side Highway.
Investment banking.
The gallery scene.
Knicks suck.
(crying):
Oh, Papa!
They suck so hard!
One more thing, Tyler.
Where's the Hive?
(gasping)
Oh...
(sizzling)
You're always so much hotter
than I think you're gonna be.
Thanks, guys, for not giving up,
then giving up,
then not giving up again,
then I forget.
BBQ is like family--
the cheap cuts of meat
that nobody wants.
But if you treat them right,
they turn into
the best thing in the world.
Yeah, barbecue's yummy.
Chinese is pretty good, too.
Meh, it depends
on the place.
♪ From the dusty mesa
♪ Her looming shadow grows
♪ Hidden in the branches
♪ Of the poison creosote
♪ She twines
her spines up slowly ♪
♪ Towards the boiling sun
♪ And when I touched her skin
♪ My fingers ran with blood.
PIT MASTER:
I'm out of here.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH