The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 14 - Gal of Constant Sorrow - full transcript

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

ANNOUNCER:
It's fourth and nine
for the Simpsons.

Homer takes the snap,
looking for a receiver.

They're all covered.

He's gonna sneak it in!

(crowd cheering)

Oh, man, that is why
he gets to control the remote.

♪

(Simpsons eating)



Mmm.
Oh, this tile is loose.

I'll have to call a handy man.

Why'd you say it like that?

With a pause between the words.
Are you saying I'm not handy?

That's how you
say it: handy man.

It's handyman.

That's what I said:
handy... man.

(exclaims)
Marjorie,

there is the profession:
handyman,

and there are men who are handy.

Which are you saying I'm not?

Tell me.

A handy...

man.



(exclaims)
Face it, homeboy,

you ain't handy.

Unless we need
a big fat paperweight.

I'll paperweight you!

Oh! (groaning)
(grunting)

(grumbles)
Homie, sweetie,

replacing a tile
is something

you really need a
professional for.

I know how to replace a tile.

All guys do.

We talk about it all the time.

Grout?

There's no stopping
what I've started here.

Here's your tile.
Have fun.

Handy... man.

Lisa, honey, do you have any
idea how to replace a floor...?

Here's a video tutorial
on replacing a tile.

I don't know if I need a
whole tutorial to teach me...

You're tapping.
You have to swipe.
I'm-I'm swiping, I'm swiping.

Pretend you're swiping
chocolate icing off a cake.

All right, how's that?
Ah, see? There.

There it is, yeah. Perfect.
There really is
icing on here.

All right, then.

Hi there. If you're
watching this video,

you've got a job
that needs doing

but you're too cheap
to pay for it.

Man, this guy's inside my head.

Now, replacing a tile
is a simple task.

As long as the substrate
beneath the tile isn't rotted.

If there is rot
in your substrate,

we will now play loud music
so you can curse.

(salsa music playing,
Homer shouting)

Stupid floor! Why...

Why was I born a homeowner?

On your marks.
On your marks.

Get set.
Get set.

Twins!
Twins!

Loser!

Oh, boy.

(Ralph giggling)

Oh. Why is everyone passing us?

You know how scared I am
of going on a slant.

Oh.
(grunts)

Ow!

Latchkey kids rule!

I can't die now.

I actually did my homework.

(grunts)

(groans)
I'm sorry, ma'am.

Come spring, I'll go
get that for you.

Dang good-for-nothin' cart.

Always fighting to go left
when I wanted to go right.

It was my only friend.
(crying)

Now take your sponge,
wipe away the excess grout

and you're done.

Oh, my God,

it looks like
what it's supposed to look like.

I did man work!

My hero.

I'm happy to say I was wrong.

I'll put Maggie down
and make you a snack.

Something bacon-y.

(whoops)

A bacon apology sandwich.

(meowing)

What? No.

No. No.

(meow)
(scratching)

Oh, I sealed in the cat.

If it dies,
it'll stink up the whole house.

Also, the kids like it.

(meowing)

Stupid genius cat.

She went from under the floor
to inside the wall.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty.

MARGE:
More repairs?

Aah! Marge, I should
tell you something.

I knew it.
You're not a handy...

No. You did not know it.

I was going to say I'm not
stopping with the tile.

Oh, no. Once
you've been bitten

by the repair bug,
you can't quit.

How would you like hot water
in the bathtub again?

(gasps) I'll go get the "H" knob
out of my jewelry box.

Mmm. Don't take long,
handy man.

Handyman.

(giggles)

Okay, cat, I'll get you out
tomorrow, but here's dinner.

Lasagna, which I know cats like.

(door opens)
Oh!

Nothing to see here.
Just kneeling

in front of the
electric outlet,

appreciating Edison's miracle.

Look, Hettie, you
got two choices.

Under the bed
or in the closet.

I suppose I will take

the closet.

Oh, my goodness.
This is like my heyday

when I was livin' in that car.

You know, you get enough
parking tickets on the front,

they act like curtains.

(sniffs)
Mmm.

Hey, mornin', boss.

Hey, what you take
in your coffee?

'Cause I got sugar
and I got something called

"Not for individual sale."

Listen. I don't think you should
get too comfortable here.

Okay, okay.
Thought you might say that,

but, uh, what if
I make it amenable to you?

If you hide me here,
I'll give you a dollar a day.

Here's one week in advance.

Yes, I'm a slumlord.

DRAKE:
♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now the whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now the whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now my whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now my whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from
the bottom, now we're here ♪

♪ I done kept it real
from the jump ♪

♪ Living at my mama house,
we'd argue every mornin' ♪

♪ I was-- I was trying
to get it on my own ♪

♪ Working all night,
traffic on the way home ♪

♪ And my uncle calling me
like "Where ya at? ♪

♪ I gave you the keys,
told you bring it right back" ♪

♪ I just-- I just think
it's funny how it goes ♪

♪ Now I'm on the road,
half a million for a show ♪

♪ And we started from the...

Hmm.

Sorry, cat.
Had to go to work.

Then there was a freeway chase
on the news.

Had to watch it till the end.

The guy got arrested
in a cul-de-sac.

They never do
what I yell at them to do.

(meowing, scratching)

Oh, you're in the ceiling?

"Do not use top step"?

Stupid government,
trying to keep us down.

(grunting)

Where is Bart
getting this money?

(exclaims) Lisa?

Just what do you
think you're up to?

Mm...

Come on. You can
tell Dr. Tuna.

Okay, I admit it. I think
Bart's up to something funny,

so I'm snooping in his room.

No snooping. You know what
they say about curiosity.

It killed the cat?
The cat's fine!

Stop asking
about the cat!

MAN: Lose a Kewpie doll
in front of your gal.

(tuning guitar)

Hey, boss.
(clears throat)

We have a situation here.

You owe me three
weeks' back rent.

Aha!

Bart Simpson,
you are cruelly exploiting

a poor,
unfortunate woman.

So, you're gonna tell Mom
and she's gonna kick Hettie out.

Girlie, ain't you got a heart?

Nope. All brain,
no heart.

Yeah. She looks like
a little bitty railroad bull.

Now I got to sing for my supper.

I wrote this one a few days ago.

This is a song about loss.

♪ It was a cart

♪ Meant for shopping

♪ It came to mean

♪ Much more to me

♪ It held the pan

♪ I cook my slop in

♪ And my old PlayStation 3

♪ It was my home

♪ And my place of worship

♪ It was my home

♪ And it was kinda my car

♪ Now you're just rolling
underwater ♪

♪ While Safeway wonders

♪ Where you are.

Whoa! My roommate
is talented!

If I know
my Smithsonian Folkways,

that was
an Appalachian folk song.

Well, I'm from
Lickskillet, Kentucky,

just shy of the
Appalachia Trail.

Really? Oh, I love, love, love
indigenous mountain music.

(chuckles)
Well, isn't
that fascinatin'?

I'm glad you
liked the song.

Yes. I liked it
very, very, very m...

Oh! You want money.

I'm sorry. I don't have any.
(chuckles)

I'm also a musician.

(chuckles)
But you can stay in our house.

Ha-ha! It's a deal!
Back in the boy's closet.

No, Hettie.
You're a human being.

You can sleep in my closet.

Hmm. Well, la-di-da.

How much you charge?

Nothing. Maybe we can
talk a little music.

Ugh. Boy, what's
your price again?

Okay, we'll only talk about it
if you want to!

But it would be an honor.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, you've hurt
yourself.

Uh, nope, that's syrup.

Oh, let me find you
a Wet-Nap.

I just woke up
from a wet nap.

Okay.
Conversation's over.

LISA: Check, one, two.

All right... No, no, no,

leave the windows open.

I like crickets and
night breeze in my music.

They do go well together.
Have you always been musical?

You know, first sound I ever
heard was my daddy fiddlin'.

His name was Bascom Lee Boggs.

(gasps)
Bascom Lee Boggs?!

He played with
some seminal Appalachian bands,

like Snug
and the Cousin Huggers,

Lead Paint Larry
and the Drooly Boys,

Howlin' Sue
and Her Vestigial Organ,

and Bloody Mary
and the Coalmine Canaries.

(inhales) Did your daddy
teach you to fiddle?
No.

He was gonna start me out
on the cigar box "banjer,"

but, uh, 'fore he could,
he-he lost his sight.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Yeah, he got shot
in the face.

(gasps)
You know them puzzles
where you slide the tiles?

He looks a little
like that now.

My mother was an amazing
"banjer" player. Mmm.

Unfortunately, she
did also go blind.
Really?

Yeah, it was winter
and she was runnin' a fever

and, um, then she got shot
in the face.

Oh, wow. Hettie,
you've had such a sad life.

But you know what?
That's gonna turn around

when I show the world
what it's missing in you.

Well, I don't know if
the world's gonna get me,

but, child, it sure feels
good to know that you do.

Mmm.
Mmm.

You're having a moment
with someone

who has so few moments.

This will never be forgotten.

Oh, baby girl, I feel like I'm
back home in poorest Appalachia.

Thank you.

Okay. And three, two, one...

(playing guitar)

♪ Oh, Barnes & Noble

♪ Oh, I am sorry to see

♪ That your store

♪ Has been shuttered

♪ I miss your
bathroom policy ♪

♪ I would sleep
in your stalls ♪

♪ For many a long day...

It's lovely,
but I want you to know

I've-I've truly come
to hate music.

That is so sad.

I wanted to arrange a concert
in Springfield Park.

We needed the school's lights
and sound system.

Lights? Sweetie, you don't know
a Fresnel from a gobo.

Well, I think you'll help me
every way you can.

And why, pray tell, is that?

Because deep down, there's
still a part of you

that remembers music
can be magical.

(chuckles)
You're right.

I can't bear
to kill your passion.

It will live at least
until third grade,

when you get Mrs. Ortner.

So, I got back together
with Jeff.

Then, of course, I realized
there was a reason we broke up.

(playing tuba)

That sounds awful,
and you look stupid doing it.

(guitar playing)

(grumbling)

(knocking)

Hettie, Hettie, I have
a surprise for you!

(gasps) Oh, well,
barbecue my bedbugs.

That is glorious.

(chuckles) To pay for it,
I sold my Malibu Stacys.

Which, from a feminist
perspective, was long overdue.

But I have a Ken that I'm
transitioning to a Stacy.

Try it on, try it on,
try it on!

I heard you the second time!

Mmm, mmm. Why,
thank you, Your Majesty,

I will have
another cup of soda.

Lise, Lise, Lise.
(grunting) What?!

I've seen you like this
before, and it ends badly.

She is gonna
break your heart.

And your heart's as
tough as a soap bubble.

Remember how upset you got
over that dead plant?

Oh. It's the seven-month
anniversary of that.

(crying)

Oh, geez, here
we go again.

Ugh. You know what, Bart?
Just get out!

And get Dad's keys and
drive us to the radio station.

And then get out!
Wait until we're done.

Then drive us back.
Then get out!

(hammering, sawing)

(crash)
HOMER:
Damn it!

(knocking)
(footsteps approaching)

Hey.

Hello, Homer.
I need to do the laundry.

Uh, uh,
I'll do it!
Oh.

HOMER:
You idiot. Now we'll always
have to do the laundry!

(laughs)

I'll do it wrong
so she'll never ask again.

Homer, you're a genius!

Thanks, brain!

Oh, I'm not your brain.
I'm a blood clot.

Okay. I'm goin' in.

Thank God I never put in
that insulation.

(grunting)

Whoo-hoo!

I glide silently
through the wall.

Silently, ever silently.

(Snowball II mewing)

(grunting)

Aah! Ooh, rogue nails! Oh.

(hissing)
Hot pipe!

(panting)
(meowing)

(purring)

Gah. It's... Oh!

Rough tongue! Aah!

Oh, that's just...

(Santa's Little Helper howling)

Aw, crap.

(barking)

Sure am glad
we don't have a horse.

♪

Welcome back to Mountain Trax.

I'm here today with the one
and only Miss Hettie Mae Boggs,

the baby of the Boggs Family.

(laughing): Well, I'm a little
big for a baby.

Although my mother did have
a 21-pounder.

Charming.
Does anyone on this station talk

like they're not at a funeral?

No. I'm afraid we all do.

So, Hettie, you're doing
a concert tonight.

Yes, she is.

Could you tell our listeners

why you didn't perform with your
older brothers and sisters?

I mean, they would ask
me to. They would...

They'd say,
"Hettie, come over here,

pick up a banjo
and play a song with us."

And, um, I don't know.

I'd say, "No, I'm happy just
to sit down by the creek

and do my heroin." You know?

Wait. What?

Is it also true
you've been discovered by,

and then turned your back on,

well-meaning supporters
time and time again?

Uh, yes, yeah,
that is a pattern I adhere to,

and do you have any OxyContin?

Now, if you got some,
you don't have to say yes.

You just got to blink.

Maybe we should take a break.

For the record,
I'm not blinking.

He's holding.
He just won't share.

No, no, Hettie, please tell me
that you're rehabilitated.

Please tell me that
you're talking about heroin

so that no one else will follow
in your footsteps.

Please reassure me
because I am frightened.

Oh, baby girl, I
wouldn't let you down.

You and me-- we get
each other, yeah?

But if I don't get
something sweet,

I might shoot
someone in the face.
(gasps)

Are you saying that you shot
your parents in the face?

I don't know.

That's not really the
kind of thing you remember.

You know what I mean?

All right,
I'm gonna go now. Bye.

Lise, if she shoots
your face off tomorrow,

just remember
this is what it looks like.

(high-pitched squeak)

She is not going
to let me down!

She is not!

I am saving her.

Okay, you've convinced me.

You're out of your mind.

So, how'd it go at the co-ed
kickball championship?
All a lie!

Lisa's been hiding a dangerous
heroin addict in her closet!

(gasps) You were hiding her
in your closet, too!

I was renting
week-to-week!

(grumbling)
Homer, do you know what

was going on in our house?

Why are you asking meow--
I mean, me now?

Homer, I know about the cat.

I also know about the dog.
He's fine.

(whistles)
(panting)

I've been taking
care of everything.
You knew?

It was pretty sexy
pretending you were toolsy.

But Lisa let a strange
Kentucky lady live in our house

without our permission.

Well, now I don't know where
she is, and I believed in her,

and we have a concert
in 30 minutes.

Oh, honey, we'll find her.

You entertain the audience
till we get there.

Okay, I'll play my sax!

Well, that'll turn
a disappointed crowd

into a lynch mob.

Shut up.

Okay, if you want
to find this woman,

and I recommend you don't,
here's a little clue.

Hettie usually smells
like radiator booze.

To Cletus country!

♪

Hettie, we need
to get you up,

run you through a car wash
and get you to that concert.

(slurred):
You hush up now!

Fortunately for you,
I'm fluent in drunk.

(slurring his words):
Now, come on, get up.

(speaking gibberish)

You're gonna
get up and...

(both speaking gibberish)

And backtalk.

(both speaking gibberish)

Nobody tell me what to do.

Not you, not the po-lice.

Not even the police.

Cletus, why did you
give her a shotgun?

Hey, I do not give
anyone firearms.

Now, she must've taken that
out the umbrella stand.

Oh, your little girl's
been so good to me.

I can't shoot you
in the face.

I'll just make you deaf
for a week.

Oh! I have church tomorrow.

Can you do the other?

Thank you!

(playing lively jazz)

Give it up!
She isn't coming!

(song ends)

You've just made
a very powerful enemy-- NPR.

Our revenge is made possible
by listeners like you.

Hello, Springfield!

They're gone, and I am never,
ever gonna forgive you.

♪ As I went down
in the river to pray ♪

♪ Slipped in the mud
and lost my way ♪

♪ Found a bag of chips
and half a Twix ♪

♪ Thank you, Lord,
for this day ♪

♪ Oh, honey, I've been down

♪ Bread bag shoes
and a Burger King crown ♪

♪ Oh, honey, I've been down

♪ And down is where
I think I'm gonna stay. ♪

(crying)

Ugh. Okay, you can sleep
it off on our couch.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, what time do you
do your couch gags?

Around 11:00 in the
morning. You'll be fine.

(to "Big Rock Candy Mountain"):
♪ In the house
next door to Flanders ♪

♪ There's a devil boy
named Bart ♪

♪ Fatso's lost his catso

♪ And the girl has
a great big heart ♪

♪ The curtains
all have corncobs ♪

♪ There's a sailboat
on the wall ♪

♪ There's Selma and a Patty
and a grampa who is batty ♪

♪ Apu and his Squishy,
the three-eyed fishie ♪

♪ And they ain't aware
that I took the silverware ♪

♪ From the house
next door to Flanders... ♪

Okay, everyone
into the tunnel.

♪ In the house
next door to Flanders ♪

♪ Mom's hairdo scrapes the sky

♪ The baby don't say nothin'

♪ And no one wonders why...

Oh, this place is dirtier
than the tunnel.

Shh!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH