The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 13 - Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4 - full transcript

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like you always do.

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GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE:
I can't see!

(engine sputtering)

♪

(grunts)

(bell ringing)



(belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

♪

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(grunts)

(sad music plays)

♪

(dramatic music plays)

♪

(gunfire)

(groans, gasps)



(whimpers)

(chuckles)

Hmm?

(sad music plays)

(gasps)

Uh... (clears throat)

Sir?
Yes?

Uh, well, tomorrow
is Valentine's Day.

Ah, yes, the day of the great
Chicago massacre.

Uh, and our employees have
requested to leave early

to be with
their loved ones.

Of course, uh,
I'll be with you.

(coughs)

Ooh, Smithers.
More face hardener.

(skin squeaks)

Never!

Well, if you want to tamp down
a potential rebellion,

might I suggest
a party after work.

A sweethearts dance,
if you will.

Sweet... hearts?

Mmm... tasty.

Excellent.

(hearts beating)

No, I don't want candy.

It's not candy,
it's baby hearts.

Ah...

A sweet hearts dance it is.

(arrows whooshing)

(gunshot)

Hey, Brandine!

You know how to shake
and bake cherub?

Cletus, you know I can fry up
whatever you can shoot down.

Oh, Brandine, of all
the cousins I coulda married,

you was my sister.
(chuckles)

(dance music plays)

Carl, this is Mandy.

Mandy, isn't Carl
everything I said he was?

Okay, Lenny, time to stop
talking about Carl.

Why don't you to ask me
to stop breathing?

Oh, Marge, it's so great

to combine the two loves of my
life: goofing off and you.

Hey, listen,
there's one fantasy

I've always wanted
to indulge in.

If you're willing.

(moaning, kissing)

(Homer moaning)

(Marge gasps)

What are those frisky
hounds up to now?

(shrieks)

(yells, grunts)

Wait a minute.

That contractor said this
was a bottomless pit!

I'll have
his license!

Hey, Professor!

I didn't know you worked
here at the plant.

I consult.

Sometimes they listen,
sometimes not.

People have died.
You didn't hear that from me.

So, who are you here with?

Well, no one as yet.

But I haven't turned on
the old Frink charm.

Hello there, vo-ivy.

Well, there's, uh,
no mistaking that message.

(cell phone ringing)

GRAMPA:
Hello, Homer!

D'oh!

What is it, Dad?

It's Valentine's Day.

I'm alone.

And that cat who can smell if
you're dying is staring at me.

What are you looking at?!

(meows)

Son, I'm scared.

This cat has taken
five this year.

People in their 90s don't just
suddenly die for no reason.

Please come.

Okay, Dad.
We'll come over.

Can you pick me up
a pack of diapers?

Oh, for-- They always
think they're for me.

Fine. I'll just take
a large drum of butt ointment.

(meows)
Hurry!

(screeches)
Uh-oh.

Happy Valentine's Day,
everybody.

I don't see why, unless you
found that missing puzzle piece.

How 'bout I put on some music?

♪ I... never...

♪ Smiled again...

Oh, I used to dance with my
Auggie to that tune.

Yeah, me and my Bubbeleh
made love to that song.

Creating a kid
who never visits.

ANNOUNCER: And now back
to Prairie Home Companion.

(screaming)
MAN: Pull the plug!

No, on me.

Okay, time for some Valentine's
candy for our swinging seniors.

Don't patronize us,
we know it's pills.

But it's a new brand and they're
oh so pretty-- look, green.

Like M&M'S with hope.

Oh, it's starting to kick in.

Much... better.

Suddenly,
I don't want to kvetch.

I want to kvell!

I can feel all the tension
going out of my beard.

Oh...
(relaxed moans)

Oh...

♪

(barking)

Mona?
I thought you were gone.

Nonsense, Abe.

I didn't leave you and I am
never going to leave you.

That doesn't sound
like the Mona I knew.

I'm the Mona
that lives in your memory,

with all the anger turned
to honey by nostalgia.

So what you're
saying is,

this is really
happening.

(laughs)

(big band music playing)

(no music playing)

Do you think it's okay
to leave them here?

Marge, all we ever do
is leave them here.

(scoffs) I just think
there's more we should do.

We could visit
your mother.

No. No, you're right.
Let's go home.

HOMER:
Check it out, guys.

CVS stands for Cheap
Valentines' Surplus.

You get a box!
You get a box!

Haven't forgotten about you,
suspicious Iranian coworker.

(Iranian accent):
Please, call me Dennis.

(Frink groaning)

Oh, my gurvy
is muh.

Oi...
Professor?

Professor, come on,
this is a workplace.

Ooh, dregs!

Oh, wow.

Oh, my egg head
is pickled, muh-oyvic.

Did you sleep here
all night?

Yes, you are
right, I did.

Valentine's Day, you see,
is quite difficult for me.

I saw that Stephen Hawking movie
and all I could think is,

"He's got a girl?"
Give me a frickin' break.

Two girls.

Oh, I'll never win

and I'll always have
to only be looking.

Listen, pal, I've had plenty of
experience with one woman.

And I can tell you,

relationships are
just trial and error.

Like anniversaries.

First I tried "don't remember,"

then "remember too late,"

then I happily settled on
"make Lisa remember."

And my relationship with Lisa
has never been better.

Yes, you say
trial and error, eh?

My good man, that is nothing
more than the scientific method.

(bell dings)

Well, now,
that's a little wasteful.

(bell dings)

Ah, much better.

I shall use science to uncover
the secret to women.

Homer, scientific research

can solve anything
except for cold fusion, quasars,

the interior of black holes
and what preceded the big bang.

But everything else can be
solved, including love.

Pish-posh,
Professor.

What makes a guy and a girl
click isn't science.

It's chemistry!

Which is science.
What?!

See, I have asked an enormous
cross-section of women

one single question--

what attracts you
to a man?

Let us listen and learn
and have some lemonade,

which I just
squeezed nicely.

(overlapping voices)

...the most important
thing that I look for...

I like it when
they're tall.

Blue eyes!
Definitely
wants kids.

Hmm, I didn't hear
the last one.

First I'll replace
these Coke bottle glasses

with invisible blue contacts.

Mm-hmm.

Next, of course,
is shoe lifts for height.

Make you much taller,
look down upon people.

It's wonderful.
Whoa, whoa...

Hey, look at me.
I'm Herman Munster!

Actually, he had Lily,
who was quite a dish.

So, do you, uh,
find me attractive?

Sorry, but no.

Oh, curse the luck!

And this is an android

that I programmed to say
nothing but "yes."

(electronic whooshing)

Why? Why? Why?

What am I over-look-ing?

Uh, Professor...
don't be offended.

Do you think it might
be your voice?

Why, what's wrong
with my voice,

with the up and down
and the extra words

and the terminal nonsense
in the hoyven clyven wayen.

Oh, my God, it's the voice.

Duh.

MARGE:
Hello.

We're here to see Abe Simpson.

I brought him a homemade card!

I brought me.
That's enough.

Oh... what the...?
(woman humming)

Gee, I thought they'd
be over this by now.

(humming)

Wow, they are really out of it.

There must be some way
to take advantage of them.

You're telling me!

Eh.

This little device,
which fits under the tongue,

will change everything.

(deep, sexy voice):
This voice is an amalgam of
great voices

(like Clark Gable):
from Clark Gable...

(like Walter Cronkite):
to Walter Cronkite...

(like Rush Limbaugh):
to Rush Limbaugh!

(deep, sexy voice):
I don't agree with his politics,

but his body
is a natural echo chamber.

Wow. That does
change everything.

You turned me on.

Oh, it's time for
a little field test, I see.

Any other advice, Homer?

Yep-- hang out
at yoga classes.

That's where
the ladies are.

(normal voice): How would
you know about yoga class?

Uh, I thought
it was yogurt class.

Twenty-one!
Dealer wins again.

Now, here's
our headliner, Dolly Parton.

(banjo plays)

Oh, she's good.

Bart!

Ay, caramba!

You're taking advantage
of these people

who don't know
where they are.

I'm taking them back
where they belong.

Oh, no, you don't.

He just comped me a suite!

Fantastic!

(clattering, thud)

(meows)

(gasps)

You can't keep
pumping powerful drugs

into people who can't
even bite into a peach.

Mrs. Simpson,
it's a fact.

If these seniors
aren't medicated,

I can't binge-watch
Boardwalk Empire.

Nucky dies at the end!

Yeah, well, screw you.

I'm going to report you
to the state.

I really don't care.

(groans)

Wha...?

You broke me.

I'm going to say something
I've never said.

How can I help you?

Um, I'll wait outside

'cause they might
make me do something.

I've changed my height,
I've changed my eyes,

my relationship status--

I-I don't know why I put
"unavailable" there.

That certainly
did not help matters.

But now it is time
to change my voice...

(clears throat):
Oyce... Voy...

(deep, sexy voice):
And the hoyvin and the flayvin

are now "hasta
la vista, Frinky."

Ooh.
(hums)

Mm...

(chuckles softly)

(scoffs)
I'm always next to the jerk

who comes here
to meet women.

Hey, look, I get you.

You broke up with a long-
time high school boyfriend

'cause he just wasn't
going anywhere.

Then you play the field,
but it's all losers

who just want
to take from you.

Now you're just
hoping beyond hope

for a man you can hug

who'll organize
the wires behind your TV.

And believe you me,
sweetheart,

I can organize every
wire you have.

Now I'd like to show you
a picture of my new puppy.

Yeah, his name's...
(sneezes)

(normal voice):
Logarithm.

(clears throat)

(deep, sexy voice):
I mean Larry.

Aw...
Here's my number.

And to prove
it's not a lie...

(cell phone ringing)

Yeah, baby.

(both giggling)

Call me!

Man, you're reading
page three

and the next
thing you know,

you're finishing
the last article, hmm.

(normal voice):
I got all their numbers!

Boy, you are smooth.

Carl smooth.

Now I'd better
get home.

And in case Marge is mad,
can I borrow that chip?

Oh, sure thing, pal.
I have extras.

(sniffing)

(low voice):
Chitter, chitter, baby.

(chittering)

I was so worried.

Where have you been?

No, don't tell me.

I don't want to hear
one of your stupid lies.

(deep voice):
Marge, my dear,

you are the pork chop
with gravy on top.

And I'm the applesauce that
brings out your flavor.

Oh, Homie.

(Homer coughs)

(deep voice):
What the hell was that?

(normal voice):
What the...?

You're not my wife.

Which I find intriguing.

Suit yourself.
(laughs)

So, Professor, tell me
all about last night.

Dish-dish-dish!

Uh, yes, well, I can't talk now.
I'm on a date.

And then I have a date.

And then another date.

Is there such a thing as too
much of a good thing?

This is my cousin,
Nookie Kwan.

I'm number one on the east side.

(quietly):
Oh, gah-layvin.

Have any of you seen John Frink?

He ain't here.

But his hover-tronic

Frink-a-ma-car
is parked outside.

Hey, if I say he ain't
here, he ain't here.

Hey, Moe, there's
a rat floating in my beer.

It ain't there.

(door closes)

Thank you,
my good man,

but, uh, I saw some
terrible things down there.

Like for one,
Moe is pantsless.

Hey, it's apron-only Tuesday.

Oi...

You're a lucky
guy, Frinky.

Got all the chicks
you want

while I can't find
a single woman

to put up with me and my
domesticated wolverine.

Lucky Frink.
I got nothin'.

Some guys get
all the breaks.

Let me see here.

Uh, needy men...

plus lonely women...

I-I just bring them together!

Hey, that's some
nice thinkin' there.

Now, how 'bout a beer
and a baked potato.

Ah, that sounds nice.

We don't serve
baked potatoes.

What happened?

Everyone is incredibly
depressed.

(groans)

(sighs)

(electronic sigh)

I admit the hallucinations
were getting out of hand,

so I stopped the meds.

And hid them in the one place
they'll never look: the library.

Well, there's one thing you
didn't count on--

I go there because it's the only
room in this building with heat.

(Marge gasps)

Grampa, you're not allowed
to take dangerous drugs

unless they're in
a little paper cup.

Listen here.

Every night I watch my roommate
cry himself to sleep.

Yesterday I found out
it was a mirror!

I'm gonna find my Mona!

(grunting)

There's a lesson here--
never visit Grampa.

(gasps)

My old car.

Oh, that's some fine
hallucinatin'.

To the good ol' days
before polio was cured!

♪

Hot diggity!

It's America the way I liked it,

before we went to the moon and
discovered how boring it was.

(laughing)

I found the one happy moment
in 80 years of life

and I ain't leavin' it.

Oh, this ain't right.

(snaps)

That's better!

This ends right now!

She's not real.
None of this is real.

Imaginary cigarettes?
Nonexistent candy?

(stammering)

Get outta here, Marge!

Unescorted women like you
aren't allowed in this era!

I'm not getting out,
I'm cutting in.

You can't live here.

You have people in the real
world who love you.

Two are standing
right over here.

If you live in the past,
you'll never have us.

And what's more precious to a
grampa than his grandchildren?

Particularly
his grandson.

Aw, your sexist argument
has won me over.

We women will have our day.

Attaboy.

(groans)

Good-bye, Mona.

And good-bye, pack of
cigarettes for a quarter.

I think I'll miss
you the most.

(gasps)

So what, uh...

all that dancin' around
with me meant nothin'?

(chuckles): Oh, I'll be back
to steal a kiss later.

And as for you...

I've got more
involved plans.

(groans)

So, Frink is finally going
to announce which woman

he's chosen to be with at
the Springfield Planetarium.

It's like an episode
of The Bachelor,

but you drive there and pay
six dollars for parking.

Why are we both explaining it
if we all know what's happening?

I like talking to you.

(normal voice): Ladies,
please pay attention here.

(groaning, murmuring)

You see, I, uh... I thought I
was the only one who was lonely.

But I have learned
that loneliness is everywhere,

like superhero movies.

How many times can Batman begin?

I have reworked
my algorithms

to make you not like me,

but to find the man that will
make each of you happiest, yes.

Uh, release the bachelors!

I hope they enjoy it.

(gasping)

(impressed murmuring)

Duffman would love
to be taught

how to speak
in the first-person.

(chuckling)

Everyone's paired up.

Almost everyone's
paired up.

Professor,
what about you?

Where's your match?

For me, my true love
is intellectual conquest,

the-the music of the spheres.

(owl hooting)

Well, sometimes it's good
just to be alone.

♪ And now the purple dusk
of twilight time ♪

♪ Steals across the meadows
of my heart ♪

("Stardust" continues)

♪ High up in the sky

♪ The little stars climb...

ELDERLY WOMAN:
What are you doing
with my daughter?!

Why did I build a mother?
Oi, goy-vick.

Wait a minute, how come
we're all back here?

I flushed the rest of the pills
down the toilet.

Looks like they made their way
to the reservoir.

We should really try to wake up.

Are you kidding?
There's a full buffet

and Dean Martin's here.

Eh, that's
right, pally.

Here, try the shrimp.

Some have gone bad,
but, uh, most are fine.

(slurps)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!