The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 1 - Every Man's Dream - full transcript

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You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.
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LISA: Aah! MARGE: Whoo!
BART: Wha...!
(Homer grunts)
D'oh!
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
♪ I don't believe it
♪ When you tell me
♪ That it's all gone bad
♪ It's true
♪ To... you...
Whoa!
(tires screech)
(alarm sounding, birds squawking)
(alarm continues)
(soft groaning, snoring) Huh?
Where's the snooze button?
Ah, that's better.
Hey, what? I gotta get out of here!
(alarm blaring) It's... (yawns)
After just five more minutes.
(yawns)
(alarm blaring)
(laughing): Oh... Marge...
On a Tuesday?
DR. HIBBERT: Yet again,
Homer will be fine.
Mm. He's been sleeping an awful lot.
Look at these vacation photos.
DR. HIBBERT: Oh, my!
(chuckling)
Man, you people sure take a lot of vacations.
MARGE: That's just to remind me where I parked.
Hmm. I think I have an idea of what might be going on.
(gasps) Huh? What?
First, you're gonna need a spinal tap.
Please be the band. Please be the band.
Oh!
Aren't you supposed to give him anesthetic?
Oh, I knew I forgot something.
(screaming): Ow!
(printer whirring)
Oof. Very low levels of hypocretin.
I'm afraid Homer has... narcolepsy.
Doctor, is it time to pull the plug on my father?
No, wait. I'll spare you that painful decision.
HOMER: No, Bart! That's the TV!
Ha-ha! That's the other guy.
Stop that!
(laughs)
Narcolepsy's merely sleeping sickness,
and many narcoleptics do lead normal lives
by avoiding stressful triggers
like, uh, oh, let's say...
Helping with the laundry? Exactly.
Having to pay my doctor's bill?
Don't play with me, man.
I will mess you up.
Here's a signed certification of your condition.
This is a bona fide medical excuse
from doing anything you find taxing.
But you only use that
when absolutely necessary, right, Homie?
Marge, please!
I'll probably never use it.
Dad, can you drive me to Milhouse's?
Narcolepsy.
There's a spider in my room!
Narcolepsy.
Dr. Hibbert called in a prescription for you to pick up.
Narcolepsy.
Yes, for narcolepsy,
which you should get now.
You can't spend half your life napping.
Maggie does, and you think she's adorable.
Yes, because babies are always cute.
(snoring)
(coughing)
(sniffs) Oh, that baby needs a diaper change.
Nar-co-lep-sy.
(groans)
Homie, you have no idea what it's like
being married to you.
Me being married to me, eh?
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
HOMER: Stop the wedding!
What about our child?
(baby whimpers)
(dog barks)
Don't forget me.
Now I've seen everything.
A window that talks?!
Okay, can you explain again how I take this medication?
One a day with food.
Yeah, but what kind of food, girly?
Stuffed cabbage, a nice bowl of soup?
(sighs) Any idea when you'll get to me?
Well, there's four old people ahead of you,
so how's Thursday at 1:00?
Oh, you know it's funny that you should say one,
'cause that's how many grandchildren that I have.
I'm gonna have grandchildren
by the time I get through this line.
Oh, that's so nice. Isn't that interesting?
Oh, well, congratulations.
(giggles)
Narcolepsy, take me away!
Oh! (grunts)
(groans) (toy squeaks)
(sniffing)
I smell beer.
Did you go to Moe's?
Every time I have beer on my breath,
you assume I've been drinking.
(groans loudly)
Oh, that's a long one.
Did you at least get the medicine?
I tried, and I failed. Miserably.
But I'm willing to work this out in counseling.
(groans) We've been to every counselor
from Avery to Zabinsky.
But not Zilowitz.
HOMER: And that's why there'll never be
another golfer as good as Chi-Chi Rodríguez.
The name and the game, he had it all.
Okay, I think we got a little off-track here.
I know this marriage isn't perfect,
or even great, but now I treasure the moments
where it's just so-so.
(snoring) I'd kill for "okay."
Please, please, just tell me what to do.
I've never said this--
and I don't even know if I'm supposed to say this--
but this marriage is rotting with the stench of death.
Oh, that seems a little strong.
How about reeking like a trashcan in a dog park?
Does my marriage have to be something you can smell?
(snoring)
You see, Marge? You see?
The only way you and Homer will ever be happy
is to spend a little time apart,
followed by more time apart,
followed by a divorce.
What?!
What is... What, what's going on?
Wait, no, no, no, I remember.
Happy anniversary.
Homer, Homer, listen to me.
There's just so much I can take.
No, we can save this.
We'll go to a therapist.
We're at a therapist!
How you doin'?
What's going on here?
(sobbing)
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
See? (sobbing continues)
I'll love you forever.
Kids, a professional felt
the best way for your father and me
to work on our relationship
was to give up on it.
But after a while, Dad's coming back?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Maybe not.
Oh, Marge,
after all my divorce-worthy statements and actions,
many of which you don't know about,
how can you kick me out now that I'm sick?
Narcolepsy is a serious thing.
Maybe because you didn't take it seriously enough.
I pity you!
(Homer sobbing)
(Homer wailing)
(crying): Why is Daddy going away?
Is it my fault?
(crying stops) Just kidding.
I have been waiting for this.
All my problems are my parents' fault!
Mr. Flanders, can I cry on your shoulder?
Boys, get my tear dickey.
BOTH: Yay!
(snoring) (alarm beeping)
Five more minutes.
(snoring resumes)
Poor guy, living at the plant.
And yet he's still late.
(crickets chirping)
♪
(crow cawing)
Smithers, come up through my rear and grab me.
Yes, sir.
(humming)
(blow dryer whirrs, stops)
(humming happily)
I don't get it, Homer.
You and your wife may be calling it quits.
How can you be happy?
Oh, you guys missed a very sad montage,
but then I remembered that after every fight we ever had,
Marge takes me back.
I wouldn't be so cocky, Homer.
Marge has changed her relationship status
to "It's complicated."
(whistles) Not good.
Complicated? What's complicated?
We're not together, but we're not legally apart,
and I have to fight for the right to see the children
I spent my life avoiding.
What's complicated about that?
Simpson, where are your shoes?
Narcolepsy. Oh, sorry, sorry.
Now, to prove everything is fine,
I'm just going to give Marge a call.
MARGE: Hello, you've reached the voicemail for Marge Bouvier.
(beeps)
Oh, my God.
She switched to her maiden name.
She must be serious.
She's gonna have to order new checks.
♪ ...fight, The Itchy & Scratchy Show! ♪
(doorbell rings)
Eh? Mm!
(cackling)
Use a coaster.
Oh, the pigeon sisters!
(Pigeon Sisters cooing)
Wish my head was filled with guacamole.
Now, on the bright side, Homer,
guys get in much better shape when they get divorced.
Not me. I will not become a cliché.
Well, consider yourself lucky.
Most guys never even get a chance
to lose an amazing woman like Marge.
If Marge is in play,
I'm cleaning up.
♪ Got a date with an angel
♪ Got to meet her at 7:00.
(belches)
Hey, guys, knock it off, huh?
I'm sure Homer and Midge just need to talk things out there.
(phone rings)
And there she is now.
Hello, baby.
Y... Oh, it's the pharmacy.
They want me to pick up my prescription. (sighs)
Well, that man just won
the Saddest Man in the Bar competition.
I was so damn close!
Whoa, nice fill.
You've got amphetamines, anticataplectics and GHB,
also known as Georgia Homeboy or Liquid Ecstasy.
Do not take these with alcohol.
What if I've already been drinking,
and I don't plan to stop?
Are you asking me out?
I mean, you're not,
but it seems like you'd be fun to hang with,
and I'm pretty fascinating myself; I'm an author.
I thought you worked in a drugstore?
Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.
Boy, you're pretty fast with that fact.
You want to go out or not?
Well, I don't know what you see in me.
I'm just a lonely guy with a bag full of drugs.
Huh! Come with moi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're moving way too fast for me.
I get that a lot. (sighs)
No, what I'm saying is
you're walking faster than I can walk.
How fast can you go?
Pretend you're walking a very slow old dog.
(both growling, barking)
(rock music playing)
No autographs.
I just need you to sign your bill.
The monkey made the reservation.
He pays.
I think it's cool how you owned your own baldness
by shaving your head.
Well, I saw a picture of Jeffrey Katzenberg once,
and said, "Yes, that's for me."
Okay, listen, I'm just floating this,
but have you ever thought
that it might be a good thing Marge dumped you?
What are you saying?
You guys were so young when you met.
She was your first girlfriend.
I've dated more girls than you,
but now you're free to try something new.
Uh...
it's... getting late.
I should go.
The donut shop will be...
throwing out their...
unsold donuts.
You can buy them... cheap.
Don't you want to finish your drink?
Eh, you're the pharmacist.
Whoa...
♪ Big city
♪ Bright lights
♪ Cool, cool people
♪ Big city...
♪
(Homer laughing, heads laughing)
(Patty and Selma chuckle)
(gagging)
(grunting)
♪
Mm!
(laughing groggily)
Hey...
What? Candles?
Clean sheets.
Did I pass out at Urban Outfitters?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I've just committed the one drunken mistake
I've never made.
Well, Bart.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
What am I gonna tell Marge?
(gasps) Don't move!
There's a snake on your butt.
That's a tattoo.
Why would you do that to your body?
I thought you had one, too.
Those are stretch marks, young lady.
I've had three children.
I got to call my wife.
I thought you guys were separated.
I'm the kind of man who never gives up hope.
I own property in Detroit,
every Christmas I ask for size 36 pants,
and I still buy Beanie Babies.
(phone beeps, line rings)
Hello, Homer.
Marge is getting ready for a date.
Marge? On a date?
Yep, but I'll make you a deal.
I will try to save your marriage
if you can guess which one I am.
Patty? Wrong!
(dial tone)
(sobbing)
I'm gonna get one, two, three, four, five scones.
You guys want anything?
We're fine. No, thanks.
We're all right.
Candice, what is his deal?
(gasps) Is he paying your rent? No.
Is he giving a kidney to your mother? No.
Is he good at sitting on suitcases that are too full?
Yes, but no.
Is he your guest at a dinner for schmucks? No.
(gasps) Are you a Humpty Dumpty catcher?
Be honest.
All no.
Does her remind you of a childhood snowman?
Yes, that's it!
And the great thing is he will never melt.
Man, I would love to get back into snowman shape.
I can't even fit in my scarf anymore.
Whoa, this is serious.
Complimentary tattoos.
Yeah, I've always been looking for the very special lady
who would match up with this.
(whinnying)
All right, very funny.
You two celebrating or what?
Two Scorpinos, Moe.
Scorpinos, you got it.
And those are served in, uh...
Champagne flute.
Champagne flute, got it.
And that is a...
Glass! A clean glass.
Ah, coming right up there, Your Highness.
Nut case.
(engine revs, tires squeal)
Wow, Homer, you really stuck the landing
after your separation.
Yeah, it's great.
Except her friends are always over.
I've been there for three weeks, and I can't find the TV.
And no one has any problems,
except they talk about them endlessly.
Kind of like you're doing now?
And the weirdest thing of all is
now she wants me to meet her dad.
Wow, who pays for that dinner?
I plan to pretend there's a bug in my food
and get the meal for free.
Smooth.
H-Hello, sir.
Thank you for inviting me to dinner, sir.
Homer, relax.
I have no problem with the age difference
between you and my daughter.
In fact, I've been dating a much younger woman myself.
Oh, here she comes now.
(humming happily)
(gasping)
Okay, okay, we can be adults about this.
Waiter, champagne?
(sputtering)
So I can't date an older man,
but your girlfriend can?
She's not my girlfriend.
Candice and I don't use labels.
Mm, doesn't look like she uses that much shampoo, either.
Lay off my girlfriend!
Roger is great with the kids.
He even taught Bart how to bunt.
Oh, so now you're super dad?
When I was a kid, you were never around.
You missed my high school play.
You told me not to come.
You're supposed to fight me on that!
Well, Marge,
your Roger's not so perfect now.
He's got a screwed up daughter with a pathetic boyfriend.
Candice, dear, I apologize.
I'm trying so hard to set my life right.
Oh, speaking of which.
Marge, I am going to do something I should've done
three weeks ago when I met you.
Will you marry me, Marge?
Yes.
As soon as my divorce is final.
Then you can put a ring on my finger, Homer.
I'm already pregnant.
You're pregnant?!
But I kept my shirt on!
(echoing): No!
(snoring)
Huh? What am I doing here?
Sleeping through our therapy session.
Dreaming only about you.
So none of it happened?
We're still together?
Somehow. Whoo-hoo!
And you thought our only option was to break up.
I never said that.
If I told people that didn't belong together
they shouldn't be together, I'd be out of a job.
Huh, I must have dreamed that, too.
Okay, why don't you tell us more about this dream?
All you need to know about my dream
is that Marge and I have been completely turned around by it,
and like Scrooge, I will demonstrate
I have learned my lesson
by making a boy run to the store
and buy me a goose.
I think you're going to have to do a little more, Homer.
Oh, I'll do a lot more than a little more!
I'll do some.
If you could just be good for a month,
that would really show me something.
Absolutely.
Can the month be February?
Okay, March.
(groans)
You did it, Homie!
And what a March it was.
A beautiful Easter,
a sober St. Patrick's Day,
and impeccable behavior
watching the NCAA basketball tournament.
Mm-hmm!
And with your love, Dad,
I'm eating meat and Maggie's talking.
♪ I see trees of green
♪ Red roses, too...
What the...?
MALE SINGER (rock beat): ♪ I see them bloom
♪ For me and you
♪ And I say to my...
Aah! Huh? Huh? Huh?
I got you one of those beers you enjoy unironically.
This won a blue ribbon in 1890?
What does that mean?
Wait, so this is reality?
That other dream was just a dream?
Noooooooo!
But you forgot to pay!
(distant): Oh!
(whimpering)
(gasps)
(sobbing)
I've lost everything.
My wife, my family...
(sobbing)
You didn't lose me, Dad.
(chuckles) Lisa?
You can never lose me.
We share the same blood,
the same mixed feelings towards Bart,
and you know I'll need support in my teenage war with Mom.
(sobbing, laughing): Oh, Lisa...
(both laughing)
Oh, Dad.
Dad!
Aw, sweetie... Nothing could ever come between us.
...we'll be together forever.
ROGER: Lisa, where are you, dear?
I thought we'd get in a game of chess
before we go pony shopping.
Gotta go.
Lisa!
I'll Skype you at Christmas!
(echoing): Noooo!
(Homer snoring)
Huh, so it was all my dream.
I better find out what this all means.
It means, like all married women,
sometimes you're sick of your husband,
but sometimes you're afraid of losing him.
And like all married men,
I didn't hear that first thing,
and I'm overconfident of the second.
So what do we do?
I need some kind of guidance to take away from all of this.
Put your finger on it so I can tie it in a bow.
Please?
Well, one thing we therapists can give
is concise, simple solutions,
and yours is...
Hannah, what does that one mean?
It means don't get drunk in Brooklyn.
♪ I see babies cry
♪ I watch them grow
♪ They'll learn much more
♪ Than I'll ever know
♪ And I think to myself
♪ What a wonderful world
♪ Yes, I think to myself
♪ What a wonderful world
♪ A wonderful, wonderful...
♪ A wonderful, wonderful world ♪
♪ A wonderful, wonderful
♪ Wonderful world!
Shh!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
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