The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 1 - Every Man's Dream - full transcript

You're watching The Simpsons.

You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.

Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--

Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.

What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

LISA: Aah!
MARGE: Whoo!

BART:
Wha...!

(Homer grunts)

D'oh!

D'oh!



(tires screeching)

♪ I don't believe it

♪ When you tell me

♪ That it's all gone bad

♪ It's true

♪ To... you...

Whoa!

(tires screech)

(alarm sounding,
birds squawking)

(alarm continues)

(soft groaning, snoring)
Huh?

Where's the snooze button?

Ah, that's better.

Hey, what?
I gotta get out of here!



(alarm blaring)
It's... (yawns)

After just five more minutes.

(yawns)

(alarm blaring)

(laughing):
Oh... Marge...

On a Tuesday?

DR. HIBBERT:
Yet again,

Homer will be fine.

Mm. He's been sleeping
an awful lot.

Look at these
vacation photos.

DR. HIBBERT: Oh, my!

(chuckling)

Man, you people sure
take a lot of vacations.

MARGE: That's just to remind me
where I parked.

Hmm. I think I have an idea
of what might be going on.

(gasps)
Huh? What?

First, you're gonna
need a spinal tap.

Please be the band.
Please be the band.

Oh!

Aren't you supposed
to give him anesthetic?

Oh, I knew I forgot something.

(screaming): Ow!

(printer whirring)

Oof. Very low levels
of hypocretin.

I'm afraid Homer has...
narcolepsy.

Doctor, is it time
to pull the plug on my father?

No, wait. I'll spare you
that painful decision.

HOMER: No, Bart!
That's the TV!

Ha-ha!
That's the other guy.

Stop that!

(laughs)

Narcolepsy's merely
sleeping sickness,

and many narcoleptics
do lead normal lives

by avoiding
stressful triggers

like, uh, oh, let's say...

Helping with the laundry?
Exactly.

Having to pay my doctor's bill?

Don't play with me, man.

I will mess you up.

Here's a signed certification
of your condition.

This is a bona fide
medical excuse

from doing anything
you find taxing.

But you only use that

when absolutely necessary,
right, Homie?

Marge, please!

I'll probably never use it.

Dad, can you drive me
to Milhouse's?

Narcolepsy.

There's a spider
in my room!

Narcolepsy.

Dr. Hibbert called in a
prescription for you to pick up.

Narcolepsy.

Yes, for narcolepsy,

which you should get now.

You can't spend
half your life napping.

Maggie does, and you
think she's adorable.

Yes, because babies
are always cute.

(snoring)

(coughing)

(sniffs) Oh, that baby
needs a diaper change.

Nar-co-lep-sy.

(groans)

Homie, you have no idea
what it's like

being married to you.

Me being married to me, eh?

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

HOMER:
Stop the wedding!

What about our child?

(baby whimpers)

(dog barks)

Don't forget me.

Now I've seen everything.

A window that talks?!

Okay, can you explain again
how I take this medication?

One a day with food.

Yeah, but what kind
of food, girly?

Stuffed cabbage,
a nice bowl of soup?

(sighs) Any idea
when you'll get to me?

Well, there's four
old people ahead of you,

so how's Thursday at 1:00?

Oh, you know it's funny
that you should say one,

'cause that's how many
grandchildren that I have.

I'm gonna have grandchildren

by the time I get
through this line.

Oh, that's so nice.
Isn't that interesting?

Oh, well,
congratulations.

(giggles)

Narcolepsy, take me away!

Oh! (grunts)

(groans)
(toy squeaks)

(sniffing)

I smell beer.

Did you go to Moe's?

Every time I have beer
on my breath,

you assume I've been drinking.

(groans loudly)

Oh, that's a long one.

Did you at least get
the medicine?

I tried, and I failed.
Miserably.

But I'm willing to work
this out in counseling.

(groans) We've been
to every counselor

from Avery to Zabinsky.

But not Zilowitz.

HOMER: And that's why
there'll never be

another golfer as good
as Chi-Chi Rodríguez.

The name and the game,
he had it all.

Okay, I think we got
a little off-track here.

I know this marriage
isn't perfect,

or even great,
but now I treasure the moments

where it's just so-so.

(snoring)
I'd kill for "okay."

Please, please,
just tell me what to do.

I've never said this--

and I don't even know
if I'm supposed to say this--

but this marriage is rotting
with the stench of death.

Oh, that seems a little strong.

How about reeking like
a trashcan in a dog park?

Does my marriage have to be
something you can smell?

(snoring)

You see, Marge? You see?

The only way you and Homer
will ever be happy

is to spend a little time apart,

followed by more time apart,

followed by a divorce.

What?!

What is... What,
what's going on?

Wait, no, no, no,
I remember.

Happy anniversary.

Homer, Homer, listen to me.

There's just so much
I can take.

No, we can save this.

We'll go to a therapist.

We're at a therapist!

How you doin'?

What's going on here?

(sobbing)

Nothing.

Everything's fine.

See? (sobbing continues)

I'll love you forever.

Kids, a professional felt

the best way
for your father and me

to work on our relationship

was to give up on it.

But after a while,
Dad's coming back?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Maybe not.

Oh, Marge,

after all my divorce-worthy
statements and actions,

many of which
you don't know about,

how can you kick me out
now that I'm sick?

Narcolepsy is a serious thing.

Maybe because you didn't take it
seriously enough.

I pity you!

(Homer sobbing)

(Homer wailing)

(crying):
Why is Daddy going away?

Is it my fault?

(crying stops)
Just kidding.

I have been waiting for this.

All my problems
are my parents' fault!

Mr. Flanders,
can I cry on your shoulder?

Boys, get my tear dickey.

BOTH: Yay!

(snoring)
(alarm beeping)

Five more minutes.

(snoring resumes)

Poor guy,
living at the plant.

And yet he's still late.

(crickets chirping)

♪

(crow cawing)

Smithers, come up
through my rear and grab me.

Yes, sir.

(humming)

(blow dryer whirrs, stops)

(humming happily)

I don't get it, Homer.

You and your wife may
be calling it quits.

How can you be happy?

Oh, you guys missed
a very sad montage,

but then I remembered that
after every fight we ever had,

Marge takes me back.

I wouldn't be so cocky, Homer.

Marge has changed
her relationship status

to "It's complicated."

(whistles)
Not good.

Complicated?
What's complicated?

We're not together,
but we're not legally apart,

and I have to fight for
the right to see the children

I spent my life avoiding.

What's complicated about that?

Simpson, where
are your shoes?

Narcolepsy.
Oh, sorry, sorry.

Now, to prove
everything is fine,

I'm just going
to give Marge a call.

MARGE: Hello, you've reached
the voicemail for Marge Bouvier.

(beeps)

Oh, my God.

She switched to her maiden name.

She must be serious.

She's gonna have to
order new checks.

♪ ...fight, The Itchy
& Scratchy Show! ♪

(doorbell rings)

Eh? Mm!

(cackling)

Use a coaster.

Oh, the pigeon sisters!

(Pigeon Sisters cooing)

Wish my head was filled
with guacamole.

Now, on the
bright side, Homer,

guys get in much better shape
when they get divorced.

Not me.
I will not become a cliché.

Well, consider
yourself lucky.

Most guys never
even get a chance

to lose an amazing
woman like Marge.

If Marge is in play,

I'm cleaning up.

♪ Got a date with an angel

♪ Got to meet her at 7:00.

(belches)

Hey, guys, knock it off, huh?

I'm sure Homer and Midge just
need to talk things out there.

(phone rings)

And there she is now.

Hello, baby.

Y... Oh, it's the pharmacy.

They want me to pick up
my prescription. (sighs)

Well, that man just won

the Saddest Man
in the Bar competition.

I was so damn close!

Whoa, nice fill.

You've got amphetamines,
anticataplectics and GHB,

also known as Georgia Homeboy
or Liquid Ecstasy.

Do not take these with alcohol.

What if I've already
been drinking,

and I don't plan to stop?

Are you asking me out?

I mean, you're not,

but it seems like
you'd be fun to hang with,

and I'm pretty fascinating
myself; I'm an author.

I thought you worked
in a drugstore?

Tennessee Williams worked
in a shoe factory.

Boy, you're pretty
fast with that fact.

You want to go out or not?

Well, I don't know
what you see in me.

I'm just a lonely guy
with a bag full of drugs.

Huh! Come with moi.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're moving way
too fast for me.

I get that a lot.
(sighs)

No, what I'm saying is

you're walking faster
than I can walk.

How fast can you go?

Pretend you're walking
a very slow old dog.

(both growling, barking)

(rock music playing)

No autographs.

I just need you
to sign your bill.

The monkey
made the reservation.

He pays.

I think it's cool
how you owned your own baldness

by shaving your head.

Well, I saw a picture of
Jeffrey Katzenberg once,

and said,
"Yes, that's for me."

Okay, listen,
I'm just floating this,

but have you ever thought

that it might be a good thing
Marge dumped you?

What are you saying?

You guys were so young
when you met.

She was your first girlfriend.

I've dated
more girls than you,

but now you're free
to try something new.

Uh...

it's... getting late.

I should go.

The donut shop
will be...

throwing out their...

unsold donuts.

You can buy them... cheap.

Don't you want
to finish your drink?

Eh, you're the pharmacist.

Whoa...

♪ Big city

♪ Bright lights

♪ Cool, cool people

♪ Big city...

♪

(Homer laughing,
heads laughing)

(Patty and Selma chuckle)

(gagging)

(grunting)

♪

Mm!

(laughing groggily)

Hey...

What? Candles?

Clean sheets.

Did I pass out
at Urban Outfitters?

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I've just committed
the one drunken mistake

I've never made.

Well, Bart.

Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God.

What am I gonna tell Marge?

(gasps)
Don't move!

There's a snake on your butt.

That's a tattoo.

Why would you do
that to your body?

I thought you had one, too.

Those are stretch
marks, young lady.

I've had three children.

I got to call my wife.

I thought you guys
were separated.

I'm the kind of man who
never gives up hope.

I own property in Detroit,

every Christmas I ask
for size 36 pants,

and I still buy Beanie Babies.

(phone beeps, line rings)

Hello, Homer.

Marge is getting ready
for a date.

Marge? On a date?

Yep, but I'll make you a deal.

I will try to save your marriage

if you can guess which one I am.

Patty?
Wrong!

(dial tone)

(sobbing)

I'm gonna get one, two, three,
four, five scones.

You guys want anything?

We're fine.
No, thanks.

We're all right.

Candice, what is his deal?

(gasps)
Is he paying your rent?
No.

Is he giving a kidney
to your mother?
No.

Is he good at sitting on
suitcases that are too full?

Yes, but no.

Is he your guest
at a dinner for schmucks?
No.

(gasps) Are you a
Humpty Dumpty catcher?

Be honest.

All no.

Does her remind you
of a childhood snowman?

Yes, that's it!

And the great thing is
he will never melt.

Man, I would love to get back
into snowman shape.

I can't even fit
in my scarf anymore.

Whoa, this is serious.

Complimentary tattoos.

Yeah, I've always been looking
for the very special lady

who would match up with this.

(whinnying)

All right, very funny.

You two celebrating or what?

Two Scorpinos, Moe.

Scorpinos, you got it.

And those are served in, uh...

Champagne flute.

Champagne flute, got it.

And that is a...

Glass! A clean glass.

Ah, coming right up there,
Your Highness.

Nut case.

(engine revs, tires squeal)

Wow, Homer,
you really stuck the landing

after your separation.

Yeah, it's great.

Except her friends
are always over.

I've been there for three weeks,
and I can't find the TV.

And no one has any problems,

except they talk
about them endlessly.

Kind of like
you're doing now?

And the weirdest
thing of all is

now she wants me
to meet her dad.

Wow, who pays for that dinner?

I plan to pretend
there's a bug in my food

and get the meal for free.

Smooth.

H-Hello, sir.

Thank you for inviting me
to dinner, sir.

Homer, relax.

I have no problem
with the age difference

between you and my daughter.

In fact, I've been dating a
much younger woman myself.

Oh, here she comes now.

(humming happily)

(gasping)

Okay, okay,
we can be adults about this.

Waiter, champagne?

(sputtering)

So I can't date
an older man,

but your girlfriend can?

She's not my girlfriend.

Candice and I don't use labels.

Mm, doesn't look like she uses
that much shampoo, either.

Lay off my girlfriend!

Roger is great
with the kids.

He even taught
Bart how to bunt.

Oh, so now you're super dad?

When I was a kid,
you were never around.

You missed
my high school play.

You told me not to come.

You're supposed
to fight me on that!

Well, Marge,

your Roger's
not so perfect now.

He's got a screwed up daughter
with a pathetic boyfriend.

Candice, dear, I apologize.

I'm trying so hard
to set my life right.

Oh, speaking of which.

Marge, I am going to do
something I should've done

three weeks ago
when I met you.

Will you marry me, Marge?

Yes.

As soon as my divorce is final.

Then you can put a ring
on my finger, Homer.

I'm already pregnant.

You're pregnant?!

But I kept my shirt on!

(echoing):
No!

(snoring)

Huh?
What am I doing here?

Sleeping through
our therapy session.

Dreaming only about you.

So none of it happened?

We're still together?

Somehow.
Whoo-hoo!

And you thought our only
option was to break up.

I never said that.

If I told people
that didn't belong together

they shouldn't be together,
I'd be out of a job.

Huh, I must have
dreamed that, too.

Okay, why don't you tell us more
about this dream?

All you need to know
about my dream

is that Marge and I have been
completely turned around by it,

and like Scrooge,
I will demonstrate

I have learned my lesson

by making a boy run to the store

and buy me a goose.

I think you're going to have
to do a little more, Homer.

Oh, I'll do a lot more
than a little more!

I'll do some.

If you could just be good
for a month,

that would really
show me something.

Absolutely.

Can the month be February?

Okay, March.

(groans)

You did it, Homie!

And what a March it was.

A beautiful Easter,

a sober St. Patrick's Day,

and impeccable behavior

watching the NCAA
basketball tournament.

Mm-hmm!

And with your love, Dad,

I'm eating meat
and Maggie's talking.

♪ I see trees of green

♪ Red roses, too...

What the...?

MALE SINGER (rock beat):
♪ I see them bloom

♪ For me and you

♪ And I say to my...

Aah! Huh? Huh? Huh?

I got you one of those beers
you enjoy unironically.

This won
a blue ribbon in 1890?

What does that mean?

Wait, so this is reality?

That other dream
was just a dream?

Noooooooo!

But you forgot to pay!

(distant):
Oh!

(whimpering)

(gasps)

(sobbing)

I've lost everything.

My wife, my family...

(sobbing)

You didn't lose me, Dad.

(chuckles) Lisa?

You can never lose me.

We share the same blood,

the same mixed feelings
towards Bart,

and you know I'll need support
in my teenage war with Mom.

(sobbing, laughing):
Oh, Lisa...

(both laughing)

Oh, Dad.

Dad!

Aw, sweetie...
Nothing could ever
come between us.

...we'll be together forever.

ROGER:
Lisa, where are you, dear?

I thought we'd get in
a game of chess

before we go pony shopping.

Gotta go.

Lisa!

I'll Skype you
at Christmas!

(echoing):
Noooo!

(Homer snoring)

Huh, so it was all
my dream.

I better find out
what this all means.

It means,
like all married women,

sometimes you're sick
of your husband,

but sometimes you're afraid
of losing him.

And like all married men,

I didn't hear that first thing,

and I'm overconfident
of the second.

So what do we do?

I need some kind of guidance
to take away from all of this.

Put your finger on it
so I can tie it in a bow.

Please?

Well, one thing
we therapists can give

is concise, simple solutions,

and yours is...

Hannah, what does
that one mean?

It means don't get
drunk in Brooklyn.

♪ I see babies cry

♪ I watch them grow

♪ They'll learn much more

♪ Than I'll ever know

♪ And I think to myself

♪ What a wonderful world

♪ Yes, I think to myself

♪ What a wonderful world

♪ A wonderful, wonderful...

♪ A wonderful, wonderful
world ♪

♪ A wonderful, wonderful

♪ Wonderful world!

Shh!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

You've just watched
The Simpsons.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

The ultimate single guy--

How's it feel
to be the prettiest girl
in the room?

- is going
from mac daddy--
- Jimmy!

- to new daddy--
- I'm your son.

- to granddaddy.
- This is Edie,
your granddaughter.

[ Whispers ]
Congratulations.

We have a son?
How could you do this to me?

Have you met you?

The only thing that you ever
cared about was your career
and your sex life.

- Speaking of which, girlfriend?
- Employee. Lesbian.

- Smart.
- Job requirement.

- Get back in the car.
- John Stamos.

Josh Peck. Paget Brewster.

Grandfathered.
Premieres Tuesday,
September 29 on Fox.

Dean is an actor
who played a lawyer on TV.

- Don't settle!
- His brother is a lawyer
in real life.

- It seem truthful to you guys?
- It felt as real as--
as all the other ones.

But now--
I should be a lawyer
for real.

- This is a terrible idea.
- show business--

- Are you Grinder?
- Once upon a time.

What are you looking at?
What's up there?

...meets the family business.

We're all a team,
working together,

fighting for the people,
because that's the oath
we took.

Th-That's not an oath
that anybody takes.
Whoo!

Rob Lowe is The Grinder.

Premieres Tuesday,
September 29 on Fox.

Even the last man on Earth
deserves a second chance--

(tires squealing)
(woman screams)
Bill!

to mess things up.

Sorry, little traffic.
WOMAN:
Hardy har har.

ANNOUNCER:
"Kristen Schaal
is a comic life force."

Jackie O, no, you didn't.

-And Will Forte is "excellent."
-Bingo.

It's the return of the
"ridiculously entertaining
breakout hit."

He's gonna be fine!
He just got the wind
knocked out of him!

The Emmy-nominated
Last Man On Earth

returns this Sunday on Fox.

The Family Guy
season premiere--

It's locked!
We're gonna die!

(screams)
is a real scream!

Gary, somebody e-mailed me
a video of a sheep screaming.

(screams)
Sunday
on Fox.