The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 5 - Penny-Wiseguys - full transcript

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 24x05 ♪
Penny-Wiseguys
Original Air Date on November 18, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Diddily...

diddily, diddily, diddily...

Asterisk, pound sign,
at sign, exclamation point!

Don't worry,
the Holy Rollers

are still up by one
on the Pin Pals.

Gentlemen,
prepare to meet

your various makers, there.

'Cause we got one last frame by
our new anchorman, Dan Gillick.



Thank God Otto had
that psychotic break

and quit the team.

Is this the
Bridge to Terabithia?

It's beautiful.

The day my Frisbee
landed in your yard

was the luckiest day
of my life.

And when you threw
your son after it,

I enjoyed meeting him, too.

He's a good boy.

Sorry, guys.
Emergency meeting at work.

Oh, please, I am missing eight
birthday parties for this!

Just granny-throw it!

Keep my ball.

Well, looks like
the faithful have defeated



a hedonist,
a Hindu and a...

What are you?

You know when your dog's
having a bad dream?

That's who I pray to.

Boys, I'm afraid the government
has finally caught up with me

and my appeals are exhausted.

Tomorrow,
I begin serving jury duty.

That's a tough
break, boss.

Don't sign petitions

outside the grocery store
no more!

I felt bad for the guy,

sitting there
at his little card table.

Anyway, I must name
a temporary replacement.

Your temporary don is...

our accountant, Dan.

Fat Tony, a word?

How about "meringue"?
That's a great word, but...

I'm just a numbers guy,
and the only reason

I say "numbers guy"
instead of "Wharton MBA"

is 'cause I want
to blend in.

I know what I'm doing.

We are bleeding red ink,

which is the only thing
we should not be bleeding.

Hey, listen, everyone,

I know a good
ice-breaking exercise.

Let's all say something
that we are afraid of.

For me, it's you guys.

I'm afraid I might
kill this guy right now.

Ring, ring.
Is that my phone?

I think it is.
Hello?

Yes, sweetie, it's Daddy.

Listen, how would you feel

if I just disappeared?

Sad, right? Sad?

Okay, you know what?
I'll tell the guys.

She's crying, guys.
Cassidy is crying.

Well, I hope you feel
proud of yourself.

Cassidy is
a girl's name now?

I know this music.

It was a Bugs Bunny!

Oh, what I wouldn't give
for an anvil to fall on me.

D'oh!

Shh! Here comes
Lisa's solo.

♪

This is why
I'm a season subscriber.

Lisa!

When I prayed for this
concert to be over,

I didn't mean like this!

I did.

Where's the school nurse?

Here I am.

Budget cuts.

Lisa, I suspect you fainted
because you thought

Justin Bieber was in
the audience.

Well, once again, laughter
is the worst medicine.

Young lady, you're not
getting enough iron.

Please say it's
the vegetarianism.

It's not
the vegetarianism.

It's a little bit
the vegetarianism.

Lisa, if you must forgo meat,
I advise you to take

these iron supplements.

It's like swallowing
dollhouse furniture.

Gentlemen,
look at what we are spending

every month
just on olive oil.

We love our bread-dipping.

Okay, can't touch
the bread-dipping.

Here's what Joey the Arsonist
thinks of your spreadsheet. Heh?

Ha-ha-ha!
This is fun.

But you know what?
There is a cost-cutting measure

If you put

a horse's head in someone's bed,

don't let the rest
of the animal go to waste.

For the next guy,
use the horse's leg.

Or... a couple of hooves.

Believe me, there is
no part of a dead horse

that's not gonna scare someone.

Okay, good stopping point.

Aah!

Okay...
Was that real?

A kid's never lonely
when he has bologna.

Except me.

You're that Simpson
kid, Bart, right?

Lisa.

I just see mouths.
Can't handle the iron pills?

All day I have vitamin burps.

Try this-- it's
what keeps me young.

Mmm, tasty.
Love the texture.

What is it?
Beetle mush.

But I'm a vegetarian!

So am I. Lots of committed
vegetarians eat insects.

Really?
Get real.

There's bug parts
in peanut butter.

And every year,
the average American eats

eight spiders in his sleep.

It's all here in this book.

This is such a big step.

Better decide soon, kid.

The union said I can't talk
to a student this long.

Mmm, that is good grub.

But I promised Paul McCartney
I wouldn't eat meat.

And I promised Paul McCartney
I wouldn't sleep with John.

So, you're saying you'd
rather do the prettiest dude

in the world
than the ugliest broad?

Absolutely.
But how did we get here

from discussing
Aristotle's Poetics?

Well, well,

if it isn't Mr. Work
Comes Before Bowling.

I am turning my back
because I can't stand

to look you in the face.

Ooh!

You.

Part of my new

rice wine promotion.

So, now you think you can
just waltz in here

and buy everybody a beer?

I didn't say that I...

Too late.
I already poured.

Oh, sorry, guys.

I got the kind of job that

you just can't play hooky from.

Well, I have no idea what
you do or who you work with,

but I am sure if you put
your foot down on their throats

and grind until
you hear a crunch,

they'll sit up straight.

Really? You're
sure about this?

Oh, hey, listen, I learned
a lot about human nature

by watching things
through secret cameras.

Uh-huh.
All right, then. Okay.

We'll see about
that bread-dipping.

Thank you. Thank you
for giving me an attitude.

Thank you for
giving me an edge.

Or maybe it's groveling
that works.

Hmm. Eh, six of one.

Attention, Gourmands

of All Things Creepy
and Crawly.

Please welcome long-time
squisher, first-time eater,

Lisa Simpson.
Delighted.

Hey, waiter,
there's no fly in my soup.

Sorry.

Little more.
Little more.

Perfect.

Just-a once, why can't
they go to Applebee's?

Okay, fellas.

This time, why don't
I do the cutting?

What are you doing?
I talk with that hand.

Well, you're
gonna lose it

if you keep charging
your manicures to us.

If you don't like it,
tough tortellini!

And while we're at it,
no more tortellini!

I'm dominating you!

Anyone got a problem? Huh?!

Kenny the Problem?
I'm good.

What's this I hear
about no more tortellini?

Only for Christmas and funerals.

No, please, please,
I need-a the money.

She's-a pay for my-- how
you say?-- English lessons.

My name-a Luigi.

I live at a-one, a-two,
a-three, Main-a Street.

So, if I'm growing
grasshoppers to eat,

am I farmer or a rancher?

There are going to be a lot
of heated blogs on this topic.

Lisa, dinnertime!

Lisa eats bugs!

Bart! This is America.

Anyone can eat
what they want

as long as they
eat too much.

Lisa, would you
like some shrimp?

Hmm.

You know... shrimp aren't all
that removed from grasshoppers.

They're both arthropods.

Oh, you did that to help me out.

Not sure what
your motivation for that is.

Lunch break.

Make this quick.

I finally got
a chair by the window.

I'm afraid the little
Bulgarian lady will take it.

Bottom line, Tone,

I cut expenses 12%.

As my more ruthless cousin
on Wall Street would say,

cut another 12.

But the only other cuts left
are personnel.

There are
redundancies.

Like Shotgun Pete,
Shotgun Mike,

Ronnie the Rifle,
Shotgun the Rifle...

All good men,
but some must go.

I agree.

I will announce the layoffs.

Welcome to
the dole, boys.

You jedrool, in our business,
you don't lay them off,

you lay them out.

Right.

What?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, you mean,
kill them?

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to shout.

Damn, she eats a quick lunch.

Got to go.

Nice breeze, huh?

You have breasts like woman,
but cannot give suck.

Quit saying that!

Get along, little buggies.

If I may,
just one question.

Why are you eating us?

You don't feel any pain.

Wha...?!
Who told you that?

Um... I just assumed.

This is what you've
been dipping in chocolate.

Nooo!

I'm afraid sooo!

Nooo!

Sooo!

Oh, thank God.

Just a dream.

I've been meat-walking.

Bart, I can't
eat bugs anymore.

Please, please
take my grasshoppers

as far away as you can
and release them into the wild.

Okay, but when I grow up
and I'm living on your couch,

and I drink all your booze,
and sell your jewelry,

you got to be cool.

I'll be cool.

But I will not be sharing
my mini-fridge with Homer.

He's there too?

Almost...

Eh, free is free.

He wants me
to kill them!

Sorry, sorry.

First of all, hi.
Hi, Dan.

Secondly, remember when
you asked who I worked for

and I wouldn't say

I'm a mob boss.

I'm running Fat Tony's gang
while he's on jury duty.

Doodie.

Homer, that's not the shocking part.
Oh?

He wants me to kill
a bunch of guys.

I've got a gun.
Look.

Oh, my God!

You want me to help you escape?
No!

I want you to stop me
from doing it.

You wha...?!
I want to do it, Homer.

It's the ultimate
business model.

In my business,
I try not to be seen.

I'm scary good at it.

Homer!
Mmm.

Everything's
led to this.

I remember,
the first time

I fired someone
face-to-face, I cried.

I cried.

Saved the tear.

Please stop.

I just wanted my Frisbee back
from your yard.

They fired me
for not being tough.

I had learned that
in order to succeed,

you must disregard
the dangerous distraction

of being human.

And it brought me here.

You scratch a businessman and
you get a coldblooded killer.

Well, I've been scratched!

This is how I get out
of doing the dishes.

Come on, buddy, why would
you want to be a murderer?

I don't know.

My training, this
opportunity, it's like...

A perfect storm?

I hate that expression!

So overused!

Okay, I don't... I don't
know why I said it.

I was scared.
I needed a response.

It was a perfect storm!

Say something original!

Uh, Greek thing, uh,
grand b-banana of...

far-na... of f-forever
thing, bleeks blah-blah,

a comma... a com...

a commonality
beret burrito.

Oh, it looks like
a kidnapping in progress, Chief.

You always
frame everything

in the worst
possible light.

Chief, can I ask-- why do you
want to be a policeman?

Adrenaline junkie.

My dad used to tie me up when
the ice cream truck went by.

And now there's
no amount of ice cream

that will make me feel full,
so this should work.

Yeah.
That's right.

Tie them tighter.
Mmm!

Oh, that's good.
Oh, that burns.

Could you please not sound
like you like it so much?

Sorry.

I'm into a lot of weird stuff.

Now stay down here
and I'll be back

every hour with food.

And every six hours
with food for you.

Thanks, man.
'Preciate it!

Ah, look.
I have company.

Hello.

Hello to you and your friend.

It's a party.

I'm going to call you Buggy,

and I'll call you--
please don't go in my mouth.

All right, you can go
in my mouth.

Just don't lay egg...

We now return to AFI Presents

The 100 Greatest Movie Screams.

Number 60,
from Teen Wolf Too...

Classic.

Someone must be
watching on another TV.

The bug!

I really think that's
coming from our house.

Will you stop
saying things

that'll make me
have to do something?

Next, we've got three screams

from Scream 3.

That was four screams.
Stupid AFI.

Boy, never go into their
directors training program.

How about the Disney
Minority Program?

Now, how would you
qualify for that?

I'm the son
of an oaf.

Have fun getting coffee

for Roy Disney the Third.

Dinnertime.

I know you're hungry.

I can hear you rubbing
your legs together and...

Oh, my God!

I never thought Homer Simpson

would be a part
of the Day of the Locust.

Thanks.

Now, turn around and
get on your knees.

Are you gonna shoot me
in the back of the head?

No, I just know it takes you
so long to get up

I'll have plenty
of time to escape.

I'll fix that later.

Your Honor, we have
reached a verdict.

Johnny Tightlips.

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't
kill you right now.

There's a great one, but you'll
never get it out of me.

On vacation, he digs
wells in Darfur!

Damn it!

We find the defendant...

And now it's time
for Final Jeopardy.

Pay attention, players.
The category is...

You think you're
so smart, Alex Trebek.

I remember when you
were Alphonse Trebagoogoo.

Stop!

Make me!

Come on!

You said we were gonna
see somebody get shot.

...not guilty.

I'll have your money
in an hour.

Dan!

How do you keep
finding me?

You really should
tweet less.

But everyone
deserves to know

what I'm thinking
all the time.

Just listen, if you
kill those guys,

you'll be as bad
as they are.

I don't think so.

They've killed
a lot of people,

and they tell their wives
they're working,

but they're really
just hanging out.

Look, just give me the gun
before you hurt somebody.

Give it to me.

Oh, I can't kill you.

I knew you were weak.

If you think I'm so weak,
give me back the gun.

You are weak, but no.

Let's see how weak I am
with the gun.

No, I don't want to.
Give me the gun.

I don't want
to see it.

You're making my mad and
I want to shoot you now.

I don't have to see it.

Huh?!

Give it to me!
I can imagine it.

Give me the gun.
No.

Come on, weakling,
get it from me.

I'm not... You want...
I'm not weak with the gun.

Yeah, well, yeah,
but see who's got it now.

When I have a gun,
I'm not weak at all.

Yeah, well,
you ain't so...

Clean-up on aisle me.

Okay, Mom,
I think that's far enough.

Finally, a place where you
can spread your wings and hop.

We're free!

No, no, I'm still
gonna figure this out.

There was
a corner here.

David...

Damn it, Judy,
let me have this!

So, Tone, you're
sure you didn't

order those fiduciary-
related whacks?

The important thing is
we have severely cut costs

by reducing the number
of our guns to one.

And I have it.

Any further questions?

Can I have the gun?
No.

What happened to our
friend Mr. Gillick?

I don't know.

But once your finger has felt
the itch of a trigger,

there is no relief till
said trigger has been squeezed.

Sometimes late in life
you find your calling.

The heft of the gun,
the trigger in your hand...

Can you hurry
this up, please?

My daughter's got
cheerleading practice.

Oh, I-I can go fast.

Ba-da boom!

Could you please
not do that?

Is there some kind
of problem here?

And if not, can you
do my belly button?

Need some place to hang
my badge at the sauna.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh!