The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 4 - Gone Abie Gone - full transcript

And here they are,
the Sofa Speedsters--

the Simpsons
on Brown Lightning!

The Piggly Wiggums!

The Bumble Buggy!

The Greed Hornet!

Dr. Groom!

Glasgow-A-Go-Go!

Hick Dastardly...

and the Franken-continental!

We'll be sitting pretty
at the finish line!

Beat ya!



D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 24x04 ♪
Gone Abie Gone
Original Air Date on November 11, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Pushy sign!
Don't tell me what to try!

Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you
to eat healthier!

I don't recall that.

Well, I do.

Eat healthier!

You too, Julius!

I heard you were
at Loretta's Diner

on "Catfish Friday"!

How do you know that?

You got your brother
following me?

Chester needs a job.



I paid him to build a shed!

Where is my shed,
Bernice?

One onion rings, please.

Can I borrow ten bucks
from the cash register?

I've gotta get drunk
before a party.

Excuse me.
A homeless man is

giving himself
a sink bath!

Karate class is here and hungry!

You got any scented candles?

Ow! This is the worst pain
imaginable!

This one's cold.

Mr. Simpson, your injury was
no accidénte,

it was... negligénce.

My burns have affected our...

intimacy...

because all night,
I talk about how much money

I'm going to make
from the lawsuit.

Money? What I am concerned
about is your burns.

They have healed
much too quickly.

Sit still while I give
your head the "third degree."

Oh, God!
It hurts worse than the burns!

Yes, these are
special acid markers.

Homer Simpson, you shall receive
$5,000 after legal fees.

Pay up, Krusty.

It wasn't even my place!

Man, I got a bad lawyer.

So, uh, what are you gonna do
with the money, Homer?

Well, thought bubble
Marge said we should

put it in a college
fund for Lisa.

So where's
the money now?

I put it in the bank.

That place is great!
On their wall, they had a photo

with an old couple walking on
the beach

with their pants rolled up.

Uh, Homer, we all
wanna walk on a beach

with our pants rolled up,

but, uh, banks are not as safe
as they used to be.

Yeah, when you give
the bank your money,

they lend it
to other people!

I saw a Sesame Street
about it!

Kermit was wearing his
trench coat and everything.

Wait, the frog in the trench
coat is Kermit, too?

All the frogs on
that show are Kermit.

Keeps all the other frog
actors out of work.

That settles it.
No banks for me.

I'll tell you where
you should put your money.

The one safe place left in this
world of woe:

What the...?

I'm not gonna gamble
with my daughter's future.

Nah, you don't have
to bet the money.

The poker website just keeps it
nice and safe,

where the FDIC can't get its
grubby little hands on it!

A poker site is now safer
than an American bank.

Has our nation-- built on people
suing because their onion rings

were too hot-- come to this?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Don't you badmouth this country.

Compared to the rest
of the Third World,

we're doin' great!

Open file, click and...

...invested!

Hey, Lisa, check out
your college fund!

You put my college fund
on a poker site?!

It's a classy operation.

See? The little dealer's
wearing a bow tie-- cute!

Well...at least I have
a college fund!

On a poker site!

More importantly,
it's a college fund.

On a poker site!

Dad, please!

Sorry. Check out
my new T-shirt.

Where did you get
that shirt?

I've had it
for a long time.

I was just about
to throw it out,

and then this happened.

Mwah!

That's one way
to avoid drunk driving.

Another way is
don't drink.

I'm not Superman.

Homie, do you know
what yesterday was?

Ha! Of course I do!

Happy anni...
birth... entine...

Shark week?

Yesterday's the day we were
supposed to visit Grampa!

What the...?!
Stupid calendar.

First you put the Fourth of July
on Sunday, and now this!

Oh, we're gonna discuss this
later!

Okay, remember the plan:
Apologize to Grampa.

Then when he wants us
to take him out to lunch,

point to the leftovers,

tell him we already did,
but he forgot.

I still feel guilty.

Your father's not going
to be around forever.

Marge, you take that back!

Fine, he'll be
around forever.

You take that back!

We're here to see Abe Simpson.

Abe Simpson?!
Uh, excuse me.

I'm very sorry
to tell you your father...

is missing.

Missing?! What kind of a prison
are you people running here?

If it's any consolation,
we'll probably find him

when the river thaws in
the spring.

A lot of bobbers then.

There's gotta be a clue
in here somewhere.

Spats, sock garters, the world's
hardest hard candy...

Oh, it's hopeless!

This room is like a museum
of meaningless old crap.

By which I mean
every museum.

Grampa's army footlocker!

I bet the most important things
in the world

to him are in this box!

So precious...

Look at that,
a man's whole life

being kicked around
on the floor.

"Spiro's...

The place that changed
my life..."

Flimsy lead,
take me away!

Okay, baby,
let's see the flop.

Damn it! Lost again.

Are you playing poker
with my college fund?

I'm only down $62.

Not counting my tips
to the waitresses.

Get your hands off
my future!

Fine, fine.

New low, even for this family.

College fund on a poker site.

I'm just gonna log right out.

Hm.

Get out of here!

Huh. Two queens.

That's a great start.

Well, maybe I can just win
the $62 back.

Four queens! Yes! Yes...!

Gambling, eh?

Satan's most potent
recruiting tool!

All due respect, Mr. Flanders,
could I have a little privacy?

Please?

Thank you.

Yeah! $50 up!

Time to play with house money!

Or time to walk away
from the table.

Shoo!

How did he...?

Can't let Lisa lose her
sense of wonder.

Excuse me,
have you seen this man?

We don't like
questions, man.

Yeah, but I'm just trying
to get information,

like a nosey reporter
or an undercover cop.

What'd he say
about a cop?

Or a spy from a rival gang?

Hey, what are you doing?

Abe Simpson...
used to work here.

Put him down!

Ow!

Welcome to Spiro's!

I am Spiro.

Not the Spiro on the sign.
That's my brother.

Did you say my dad
worked here?

Yes, in the old days.

When people ate steak, drank
champagne, and the music...

oh, the music!
I hated the music!

Hmm...

Simpson! I pay you
to clean tables,

not to write songs.

And you, Marvin Hamlisch,

I pay you to write songs,
not to clean tables!

What can I say?
I like to pitch in.

♪ My heart does
the two-step ♪

♪ When you waltz in the place

Wait a minute!

My dad was an aspiring
songwriter like Charles Manson?

I never knew that.

You know who would sound good
singing that song?

Me.

Rita Lafleur singing
one of my tunes?!

Can a 35-year-old busboy's
life get any better?

♪ My heart does the two-step

♪ When you waltz in the place

♪ Yeah, my ticker
beats quicker ♪

♪ When I look at your face

♪ Yeah, you'd better call the
doctor before we embrace... ♪

Busboy, that breadbasket
napkin's so opened up,

you can see everything!
Disgusting!

You're fired!

Hey, you can't
do that!

I just turned sweet on him!
Yeah!

Be sweet on him in
your own sweet time!

Why did I ever leave Greece?

Oh, that's right,
'cause it's a train wreck.

I never saw
either of them again.

If you find your Dad,
tell him sorry

from Spiro Papadapaconstanti-
kasgianopolop odopotopolis.

Got it.

Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolop
odopotopolis.

Now, what was that
singer's name again?

Rita Lafleur.

Rita La-what?

Lafleur.

One more time.

Ugh! I'll write it
down for you.

Thank you Mr. Papadapaconstanti-
kasgianopolop odopotopolis.

There's exactly
one Rita Lafleur

living in Springfield!

That's where we live!

Hello?
Rita Lafleur?

Did you know a man
named Abe Simpson?

Know him?

I'm married to him.

Homer, she's married
to your dad!

Whoo-hoo!
I get two Christmases!

I've read
every expert on poker,

and watched
Jennifer Tilly's DVD.

Start with your senses Marnie.

Use the little girl voice,

and take them
for everything they've got.

Now, I'm need on the set
of Bride of Chucky V.

Time is money.

Money is money.

And money is college,
which can lead to more money

someday, but who knows
anymore.

Tim, what are you doing?

Bible trivia.

You've been doing that
an awful lot lately.

The Bible is rich with trivia!

I can't believe my Dad never
told me he had another wife.

The man I looked up to
my whole life.

You never looked up to him.

Well, it's a good thing I didn't

because I'd be pretty
devastated right now.

I can't believe
you're here.

I'd finally gotten over
your father

just a week-and-a-half ago,
and then you two show up.

Well, we certainly don't want
to cause you any more pain.

But we need to know everything,
no matter how shameful.

And fast!

I understand,
but this is hard.

Yeah.

Well, just what attracted
you to my father?

Beneath his mediocrity
there was genius.

Then a layer of anger.

Then a beautiful soul.

Then some more anger!

A lot of layers.

After we were fired from
Spiro's, we teamed up...

for more than music.

Oh, Abe!

Yeah!

Mm, that kind of romance
leads to children.

Faster than you'd think.

I was alive when
my Dad knew you?

Alive, but very clueless.

So this was after
Homer's mother left?

I love men on the rebound.

They always think they've done
something wrong

and they usually come
with furniture.

My Dad had furniture?!

I don't know him at all!

One day, when we were
walking through Proposal Park,

Abe popped the question.

We got married
in the city hall,

across from the prettiest
church you ever seen.

Then tragedy struck.

Hey, I'm starting to remember
why I don't remember so much.

We celebrated in
your hospital room.

Our first night together
as a family.

We didn't know
it would be our last.

Hello?

Abe! They want to book us
on a European tour!

That's fine, doll.
Real fine.

Why, we'll...

You know, Europe's no place
for a six-year-old.

He can handle 110 volt,
but 220 would kill him.

But making music is
my dream, Abe.

Our dream.

I know, Sugar Tomato,

but I'm all the family
this boy's got.

If I don't take care
of him now,

he'll forget the day
he's supposed to come

and see me when I'm old.

Are you okay, Daddy?

Well of course I'm okay!
I'm with you!

Good-bye, Rita.

This is why "life" comes before
"love" in the dictionary.

Aw, thanks, son.

Now to make sure neither
of us ever remember this.

Oh, my God.

I never knew the sacrifices
my father made.

Move over, Fonzie.

I've got a new hero.

I never saw Abe again.

But I thought
you still loved him.

Life isn't all major chords.

Sometimes you gotta hit
the minor keys.

What does that mean?

I got super-addicted
to heroin.

Yeah.

Okay, education paid for,

with a gap year to find myself.

Every nerve
in my body is screaming

"Cash out now," and yet...

I've got a pair of aces!

Ha! Full house!

Aces over threes!

Take that, Rich Texan 001,

and Sideshow Bob @
Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah!

I'm going all in!

Aw, doggone it!

I give up!

It's like Kenny Rogers'
most famous line:

"This is a bad piece
of chicken."

He didn't fold?

But that's insane
unless he has...

Four threes?!

Oh, no!

No-no-no-no-no, no!

I've lost, I've lost everything.

We can all hear you.

Please log off.

Aw, come on, Lise.

No gambling story has
a happy ending

except Seabiscuit.

But you never hear about
the ruined lives

of the people
who bet against him.

Oh, God...

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me!

I was Ivy! Strong Ivy!

Oh, man, this is priceless,
but I can't keep it up.

You've still got a college fund.

What are you talking about?

I'm Sideshow Bob!

I've been using his
avatar to play poker

and trash his favorite
restaurants on Yelp.

And I saved your
vegetarian bacon.

Oh, my God!

You won the pot?

You must have
nearly a million dollars!

I can go to college
and live like a Kennedy!

Listen, after I won,
the website found out

we were both under 18,
so we're back

to the original $5,000.

Shame! Shame!

Did you give the money back
to the people who lost it?

Good-bye.

Well, back to square one
is a major victory

in this house,
but why did you help me?

Come on! Tell me!

Because I actually like you
and felt sorry for you.

What?! You did?

Forget I said anything!

Sure. I have the ending
for my memoir!

I'm sorry I couldn't
help you find your father.

If you find him, tell him
I can still do this.

Yeah.

Holy moley.

And tell him to put on
a splash of this.

That's Dad's cologne?

I always thought it
was his old-man stink.

When I knew him,
it was young-man musk.

Man, you're making me hot
for my Dad.

Only place in town
that still sells Chicory Mist.

After people found out
it's 98% squirrel sweat,

they sorta stopped buying.

Listen, do you
know this man?

Let me ask around.

Abe, you seen this guy?

Oh, I know him.

He's a man who has no son!

Dad!

Abe, we were
so worried!

Dad, promise me
you'll never wander off

and make us explore your
fascinating past again.

I didn't wander off,
ya big fat salami!

I ran away!

What?!

You think I'm boring,

and you never visit me,

and I got sick
of waitin' for ya!

So I got a job and found
a new dump to live in

and I didn't tell you
about it,

so at least that way I know
you're not coming!

Grampa, we will never
miss a visit again.

And there'll be
a lot more of them.

And I don't think
you're boring.

It's just that in today's
multichannel environment,

you have too many
great choices.

Look at Sunday night.

There's, like, eight
amazing shows.

None of them on Fox.

Well... when you put it
that way, all right.

I can't say all is forgiven,
but most is forgotten.

Aw...

I guess my honky-tonkin' days
are over.

What the...?!
Someone's playin' my tune!

Don't take Grampa's meds.

I'm payin' for 'em.

Hey, Abe.

Good to see you again.

Rita!

You look dynamite!

And you look like you could
use a good ironing,

but I still love you.

Take a seat. Yeah.

♪ My heart does the two-step
when you waltz in the place ♪

♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker
when I look at your face ♪

♪ Yeah, you'd better call
the doctor before we embrace! ♪

Yeah...

That's how wolves
die in the wild.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==